let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

sitting here at my favorite picture window in the office area of our dining room... it's my favorite window in the world cause it looks out on the arroyo & mountains, always a beautiful view. the snow's been falling off & on for 3 days now, all types of it: big & sloshy; icy pellets; soft & gentle; plump flakes; dancing, steady, cascading, plummeting, frolicking, disappearing into the ground, sugaring the trees & earth, forming icy packs; & more. right now, it's falling like movie snow, blanketing the sky & land with quiet white calm. :) except for blizzards (only been thru one since moving here: yecch!! i had cabin fever after four hours!!!), i love the pretty

i am very, very, very, very, very lucky.

snow, & who wouldn't, if not besieged by it, as is happening in the eastern u.s. these days? snow brings cleansing, comfort, contemplation & beauty.
the wide & parched san joaquin valley's been getting rain as part of this weather pattern, & it needs it badly. so happy my dried-out, too-often dirty home area is being washed & quenched by the rains!
back where i lived from 2012-2014, they had a freak snowfall on the beach this a.m., but upon closer reading, turns out it was hail. i'm just glad i'm here now, that we're here, that life is unfolding as it is!!

the universe has been very good to us.

and how are you? i'm just swell, blabbing on a bit in the warm house looking out on the lovely snow cause i'm a little trapped today. couldn't hike in it today cause it never let up enough, but i did a few other times in the past week, always such an experience for which my heart fills w/gratitude & happiness: steps crunching, muscles warm & straining, lungs & heart pumping, breath pluming, inhaling the fragrance of wet pine & sage, enjoying the cool sting on my face, stooping to hydrate w/handfuls of the clean cold white stuff, just standing there, elevation-dizzy & dazed by the gorgeousness all around. wow! on the penultimate hike of the past week, i found a big chunk of deer skeleton for james, a bone collector, the biggest specimen i've brought home to him yet! the poor creature, no doubt coyote-killed, was reduced to meaty ribcase & spine as well as hip to hoof still encased in delicate, nubby fur: macabre, fascinating. james was delighted!
on another front, the other night we recorded 17 songs in 6 hours w/young producer nick, who got everything down w/adept speed & skill! after i laid down all my vocals, i visited my dear friend donna, just around the corner from nick's little studio, for a bit & we had one of our big, gigantic laughs & ate some delicious food she'd made for her daughter's party (& sent home for us -- yumyum!) & we watched a show about the dead sea scrolls before i returned to pick up dear james & we hit the late-late-night road for home... we goofed here & there on instruments, as would happen when going live at such a pace, but the only thing that needs work is the guitar sound:  james is confident he & nick'll get it beefed up just fine. yes, we went live, instruments 1st, then vocals; nick captured the very best piano sound i've ever gotten in a studio setting, really pumping & mighty & rich, as well as terrific vocals from james, who happens to be one of the greatest vocalists on this planet!!... we can't use all songs for a demo or to sell at shows, but we will have more than plenty once the mixing is done!
that reminds me: james's shows start back up march 14 w/a birthday show at LB's shenanigan's & i need to make a poster; he & i start up weekly in taft at the bank this thursday. music music music: we're jumping back in the mighty stream!

donna & i having one of our big snorting gasping guffaws

ooh, it's falling harder & starting to blanket the hills... what another lovely day, i pronounce unironically. i will put up posters for shows as well as more on our recordings as all shapes together... the snow's really falling now as night approaches, but the quail are bobbing & pecking around on the 2nd driveway so cutely, joined now by two new babies!, none of them deterred at all by the cold... meanwhile, peewee the genius cat jumps adorably, trying to catch snowflakes thru the picture window... wish everyone could see it, or something equally heartwarming.

happy thanksgiving tomorrow!

s.n. goenka, 1924-2013: who human could not love this face??

like you, maybe, i've long not believed the traditional thanksgiving lore, but still, this year i choose to celebrate it as a time for family & love & gratitude (& great food!!), not as the beginning of a genocide... there is so, so, so much for which to be thankful, both good, bad, & medium or mediocre! here is to "anicca, anicca, anicca," to equanimity & awareness.
a wise & wonderful human, r.i.p.
a beautiful & grueling experience that can change you for the better, if you take it seriously
i got to make a new friend in my roommate joyce; hike a 1/4 mile uphill repeatedly each day; experience searing, excruciatingly knife-like pain that gradually abated while sitting "with firm determination" for one hour over & over & over; turn over life stones & have ah-ha's while in deep meditation after listening to audios of wonderful goenkaji, who at times sounded to me like a grandfatherly bela lugosi; enjoy nightly "dhamma talks" delivered by wise goenka; eat delicious nutrient-packed food; see a glimmer of enlightenment... & write 10 songs clandestinely, on rolls of paper towels! what joy i experienced, to realize i could both bust out new tunes & then re-submerge into the deep stream of vipassana... thank you, good universe!!

do not ignore the hand... the hand of fate... mwahahahahaha!!!

(the video i mention below was too long & i fear pretty boring, so i deleted it to redo later... in the vid, i talked about fun things we've done lately, being blown away by phil alvin's voice at the music goes bang! festival, seeing dear donna, then meeting james's eccentric & fascinating friend stanley... also mentioned the upcoming rockin blues festival in kernville, ca & showed a bunch of books as well as paper mache skull head, metal pugilist toy, james's black clay hand sculpture,  casper the friendly ghost lamp he got me, & played song of mine i wrote in '12 based on something really cool he told me at that time... well, now no need to redo video! :D )
typing this on james's computer as a video uploads... james's computer is so much nicer than mine, which is a real viejo! really should get another, but change, tho the only constant, is such a mudda, not to mention i'm a luddite as well as my dad's daughter: a tightwad!...
what's up? all here is well, swell, copacetic, peachy, sometimes crappy, mostly happy, yes, geez, life is nice! (now picturing kermit thee frog).. i've been getting to teach english at the local library! i love love love it! i love the people who show up to learn english! i'm getting to know the other teacher, & we've got the same positive philosophy about doing this! my spanish is about as good as the students' english, so that makes it doubly fun! it's free, so if you know any adult who wants to learn english, contact the library! next i'm trying to get some actual-dinero work w/the library, practicing my dewey, hoping for a place to show up regularly so i can use my brain more as well as get some dough here & there... been trying to cook some, be more domestic: yes, we're having some success in the happy home department, i think, me & him! mom & dad visited today: nice meal, smiley visit; they oohed over how much work we've done in the yard; james beamed proudly & gigged mama hilariously (she loved it)... we've been vegging out a lot w/the roku: little rascals, andy griffith, old movies... the other night we watched sling blade... why didn't bbt ever make anything else of worth???... reminded me how likeable john ritter was... james, of course, came away from the viewing w/a killer impression of carl (bbt's character)... we also've been getting a kick outta watching the office, which james's never seen... and that reminds me of two great movies we saw about voice acting, which we both still hold hopes of pursuing: in a world (comedy, available on redbox) & i know that voice (documentary, available on netflix)... blablablablablablablablablablabla
wish this thing would upload.
and now, a little song (you'll have to imagine the melody):
chingachinga, chingachinga, chingachingachingachingachingachinga
(no, not the mexican nasty chinga, but imagine a little streetcar or a small hammer hitting a tiny bell before a liliputian fight)

we'll drink a cup of kindness yet for auld lang syne...

- this new year's eve carried an unprecedented barge of myriad emotion. someone whom many love was taken suddenly, seriously ill yesterday &, hospitalized, had to be replaced last-second. sadness pervaded the evening, & continues! a couple whom we love dearly reunited, but rome wasn't built in a day, & repairs & renovations, undergoing, take time. yes, at times like these, of sadness, confusion, tragedy, it's easy maybe, or old habit, to just check out. but we can't ever give up! never! think of the 1000 poems, metaphors, aphorisms that urge thusly: always keep trying, for who wants the alternative? not me! at least not right now! the grave certainly awaits us all… why court its cold comfort now?
- the elliots showed up last night, full of sober cheer, two happy peas in a pod.
me: how are you guys?
james e: not dead yet!
me: not pushing up daisies!
(we all laugh cause we all have known hell, especially james & james, i think, & none of us live there these days 'cept when those bad chemicals flood our brains or we choose to…)
- yes, the whole month of december, good riddance to you! as for january, this was the time of yr when we first met, at the elvis show in 2010, when james looked in my eyes & said, "do you feel it, too? is it just ME?" & something in my heart when ker-FLUNK! this also is the time of yr when we found each other again. i pronounce, declare, & fervently hope that this is the time of year when the sadness of winter can turn toward new promise. solstice has passed; we're heading now into a new light. what do you say? :D
- last night at eclectic & mysterious house of hayden, where james played for NY eve, i got to sit with marshall, the gentlemanly tough-guy & james's dear & devoted friend, & friendly, bubbly tessie, of whom james always delights, "she kissed eddie!" (his beloved & long-gone brother). i was so touched to receive a book, signed by tom shadyac, from beautiful bobbi, nicholas, donna, & rick. wow! such thoughtful kindness: thank you to you all! ... john b & i  laughed & yelled out swears of joy as james honked out thrilling & amazing, rip-roaring harmonica & singing; the whole while, his gal monique never missed a step in her smiling dance reverie, dressed to the 9s, an amazonian marilyn who is one part snoopy… we heard that a huge show with heavy cover nearby was pretty empty that night, so we were happy that house of hayden was pretty full to packed all night long! dave & jackie had to be pretty happy with the way the show turned out, & at midnight, the establishment graciously passed out champagne flutes to all (tho i didn't get to drink mine, oh well; i got to stay sober one more new year's!) & dropped a net of multicolored balloons & sparkly things at the stroke of 12. yes, dave hayden knows how to make a thing beautiful, for sure, with his keen artsy eye and attention to details…
- today has turned into a promising beginning for a new year: we have been ultra slugs with no worry of rushing off to do anything, jamesjr showed me his new ginormous television, we all had pizza, i've been reading my book, & that's about it except for posting this blog. here are some pix from last night; i'm going back to bed now to finish this one (better off by eric brende) before starting that one (life's operating manual by tom shadyac). :)

james's favorite pic of us from new year's eve (from billy f)

thank you, tessie, for capturing this moment!

a moment later, billy folsom took this one. his photos, on Facebook under the page called "dumb biker visions," are worth looking up!

gratitude -> revelation -> restoration -> thanksgiving

just found these on a website. like them all, & may you, too... Thoughts about Thanksgiving: Who does not thank for little will not thank for much. (- Estonian Proverb)... Do not get tired of doing what is good. Don't get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time. (- Galatians 6:9)... We give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. (- Ritual Native American/Pagan Chant)... for what today do you give thanks? mine: 1. mostly sound mind; 2. sound body; 3. sobriety & the ability in it to learn from mistakes; 4. love philial, filial, storgic, platonic, &, now being married, of eros (don't wanna write erotic; must be the prude in me); 5. awareness of/appreciation of/desire for agapic love (tho am more pantheist than deist, agape -- backed by selfless action-- would be the most worthy goal of humankind); 6. my husband's & my deep love for american music (as musicians & fans); 7. intellectual curiosity & creativity, instilled in us by our folks; 8. my good little truck, running like a top, all registered & insured, w/money to fuel it & time & opportunity to go places in it; 9. today at thanksgiving, watching angie's ex-husband chat w/her new husband, & then watching my ex-husband chat w/my new husband james, & all were friendly & generous, real men acting honorably, w/o fear, pettiness, selfishness, just interacting w/class & dignity; 10. our 1st family thanksgiving at which more family of choice were present than family of blood, including my new, darling, shining little black-haired, bright-eyed niece (now i have two nieces!) & her beautiful parents (my new brother & sister-in-law), & everyone got along just swell... for what today do you give thanks?

new leaf, new life, gemutlich, gemutlichkeit

i subscribe, as maybe do you, to "word a day" (www.wordsmith.org), & today's word well-describes the feeling these past wks around here: gemutlichkeit, or "warm friendliness; comfortableness; coziness." the wedding? how could we ever've known eloping to vegas would've become such a sweet, sincere, &, as james said, spiritual experience? he often has a seeming-6th sense, able to size up situations succinctly & accurately & pronounced, perfectly, "the whole thing was magical." reeling from the kind minister's biblical pronouncement "my people are your people," we've since approached all our loved ones thusly, w/such pleasing results: his family, his true friends, i feel now are mine, too, & vice-versa. we grow closer, more trusting, more intimate w/each day, & that includes trusting of & loving toward deserving outsiders. yes, most people've been so, so happy for us; for instance, our friend/sister kaykay announced from the stage at the gaslamp our marriage just an hr after we got hitched & then texted us that the audience had "erupted in cheers." not that we are much influenced by what others think or say, but we both felt pretty good hearing that... for the most part, tho james is in the public eye & has been sort of a notorious character & sought-after bachelor, only a few folks've continued trying to insinuate themselves between us, gossip, meddle, or as he has said, been "creepy" toward or about us. i've watched james appropriately eliminate these people from his life, as i've already eliminated, at his behest, the ones from my life who were like that (i didn't realize they were not really my friends, but had "ulterior motives"! just knew i felt uneasy around some "friends"! have you had that experience? quite unsettling, in retrospect!). yes, james is better than i am w/boundaries, & he's making sure i learn to put 'em up, as i should, as an adult!, but his whole outlook on life lately? happier all the time, he says: he says i've saved his life! that gives me way too much credit, i think, tho we ARE in love, now husband & wife, & people in such a blessed life-place SHOULD compliment their beloved... but i've definitely seen james's spirit brighten, & many people've commented he looks happier than he's ever been, & so i'd call him lately "sehr gemutlich," to use today's word... & what about me? well, i've never been happier! i hope that is evident from this blog lately!... onward, what about the election? the men in this house say "eh," that the results make no difference, but i, not a cynic, am comforted.... my dear sister angie's happy punk-rock ultra-religious wedding to friendly pastor doug? so delightfully silly, creative, sweet, gemutlich. there, james met my 1st husband, brian, for the 1st time, & both were, of course, perfect gentlemen. again, it is a gemutlich life lately; that was yet another proof-point... our visit w/the gias pre & post wedding? so comforting, warm, inviting, w/ delicious left-overs, cuddly cat, generous loving folks (james pronounced them "beautiful," & i nearly cried w/gratitude), so gemutlich, as was last night's cozy impromptu dinner at a tiny pizzeria near the beach, a pretty place w/glowing stained glass window, laughing baby dining w/young family, tasty bread dipped in balsamic vinegar, mysterious carnivalesque italian music, intimate, kind conversation between my handsome husband & i, & again this evening, a walk at the nearby wetlands w/sweeping sunset hushing across the seaside & birds soaring & floating gracefully, dipping beaks in tidepools, ducks chugging gently thru the water as we strolled arm in arm, & then a movie, & then exploring, & then grocery shopping, even THAT these days being gemutlich!... tonight we set up our bedroom "recording studio" & tomorrow more adventure awaits, even if we go no place at all, & as the holiday season approaches, may you find as many days & moments as possible to be filled w/a spirit of gemutlichkeit...

halt, miel de lune, well my baby & i got happy at the halloween haunt

(we are singing a song off the cuff right now about the other night's fun at knott's scary farm. "you're writing something f**ked up about me, aren't you?" he chuckles, clutching homer & willie, then laughing, "you suck!") in the secret society, people talk about "halt"ing sometimes, tho it's no place in the book. the idea is, don't let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. up til a few mins ago, i'd let myself get too "h" & w/typical worry was thinking something was seriously wrong til james's son james (james the younger or, as his dad calls him, w/usual humorous scorn, & in this case, w/historical reference, too, "the lesser") remarked, "you probably just need to eat." james sr (the greater?) cooked up a huge pot of what dad always called "three-way," a dish i believe he learned to make in the navy, & well, i feel much sweller after a big bowl of the tasty mix of chili, spaghetti noodles, bell peppers onions, & cheese... back to "halt," i've thought it should instead be called "shalt," w/the initial "s" meaning sick since i've allowed myself to get sick a lot in many ways, just out of bad habit... anyways, it's a lovely day here near the beach w/lazy eve approaching; i was horridly surprised by the heat upon arriving here near-2 wks ago, tho was told it at that time was anomalously humid... then a few days ago we all were wakened by flashes in the sky & rolling blasts of thunder. i was glad to know such storms from living in the mtns the past few yrs cause otherwise it might've been a little scary; afterward, showers crashed down & tepid still turned to fragrant cool, sending different perfumes than do the mtns: eucalptus, mainly, & even sea smell... anyways, the weather's been balmy but comfortable since, & i even got in a run on the cool evening streets, & now we all sit & loll around, digesting & contemplating a movie this eve, maybe, or sweet nothing... here are a few pix from recent days: james & i after practicing w/bassman robbie, photo by james jr; then us at the halloween haunt on the day of our miel de lune or lunes de miel, of sorts. no, we didn't get hitched yet, but it was during that long morning storm & thereafter, throughout that day, that he remembered me & i, him, & then we spent the evening celebrating, really celebrating the spirit of holiday & halloween & spirits & playing w/monsters & fear & festivity. it was a wonderful, even unforgettable 10-11-12, for sure... today brought practice w/scott abeyta & next wk, a special gig combining james's & my bands. to share music, on top of everything else, even w/the certain tough times & growth periods, well, it makes me pause & look over at him, so strong & sweet & silly, & say, w/sincerity, "i couldn't be happier," & he smiles back & agrees. i hope that you are the same, whomever & wherever you are. (yes, i mean you.)

...

row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...

-> thank you, everybody, for being my friend. tomorrow, july 4th, i will celebrate 17 years of sobriety. i am overwhelmed this yr w/the feeling that i have lived a whole 2nd life as a sober person, & i know at this moment i'll strive to continue to do so, for this life, bumps, bruises, & all, is a life, rather than the too-often futile-seeming existence i have led... my life's changed significantly in the past few months, & as i've written here, i feel so grateful & amazed, but at this moment, after meditating over the moonrise, also a tad melancholy: i've shared sober birthdays w/people whom i may not see again. i just will have to hold them in my heart & believe that everyone is better this way, that the stream of destiny is carrying me so steadily & gently lately bc i am no longer fighting against its current... events are unfolding so easily now, i can't help feeling that i am beginning to "fulfill my destiny," even tho voicing that idea brings me some intellectual discord... i shall CHOOSE to believe! magic, spirit, beauty, transcendence are so much more captivating than cold hard seeming-fact (what truly is "objective," anyways?), so following my apparently supernatural leanings, perhaps there is purpose, direction, meaning i am to fulfill, even as tiny as i am in this universe. yes, in this moment i shall have faith in this fate, accept it, glory in & be grateful for it. and if it turns out to be coincidence, randomness, chaos, i'll find out eventually bc my life will take a different course (even that phrase, however, suggests intention)... for now, i will chance the notion that "right now" evidences the unfolding of some purpose & scheme i cannot understand. and i am very, very happy for it. and i have the feeling lately that i "must've done something right" to be getting this apparent reward...
-> i just sat outside at my mountain house & watched the beautiful maizey-full moon rise as the hushed sky darkened to indigo & quail chirped & clucked to one another & little bats & birds flew overhead & i remembered, suddenly remembered what a sad mess my life was 17 yrs ago on this very night & how it is now... truly i don't recall ever feeling this peaceful, happy, & grateful as i have approached a sobriety birthday. i have no anxiety, no worry, no what-ifs in my mind... only calmness & a sweet sense of serenity.
-> yes, somehow, from the absolute worst has come an incredible (for me) life. :) thank you again, so, so much; even if you don't know it, you help me & we are & always will remain connected.
"that man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest." (thoreau)
"thank you for all You have given me, for all You have taken away from me, for all You have left me." (anonymous)
love to you & yours, j

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you,

mom and dad...
- how generous are they? how kind? my bd gift from them: a new piano/keyboard... i am bowled over with gratitude & happiness. it's a korg sp-250, not a top-of-the-line model, & kind of homely-looking, compared to some of the sleek, even flashy stage pianos out there, but heck, it's more than enough for me. it replaces my 8-or-9-yr old korg sp-200; i have busted two keys in the left hand register, so w/more sure to perish, i can now retire the old beast before she becomes too, too decrepit.
- thank you, old beast. you've served me well, & we traveled many many miles together.
- i deeply love my new piano/keyboard, maybe more than a person should an object, so caution's in order. the piano, after all, was my first real true friend, so this is a relationship that goes way back. don't know how the korg people with this model so-well electronically mimicked the resonance of a real piano. every electric keyboard has piano patches, of course, but this one is quite outstanding compared to my others; it has a richness, fullness i've not heard in any electric keyboard i've allowed myself to even consider having... what a pleasure! yes, one can really luxuriate in the sp-250's authentic tones... nothing, of course, can compare to a real piano, an instrument of great soul & humanity, but the sound of my new korg is more pleasing than the other keyboards i have. (and all i care about's the piano sounds... other effects are confusing & seem superfluous...)
- this is crazy: at this point, i have four keyboards: two yamahas, two korgs! thank you, thank you, japan. yes, a small family has developed. i shall call them "the 88s"... tho i spose my smaller yamaha only has 61...
- well, better get to bed so i can play some more tomorrow. much beloved & life-giving music to you, dear person reading this, truly truly truly truly truly whoever you may be. :)

happy holidays, happy holidays, the merry bells are ringing, happy holidays to you!

tho mind's running faster than fingers, will try to write a bit... how are you? how are your holidays? mine have been wunderbar, wunderbar... dad had his 1st book published & it's now listed on amazon; angie's now going steady w/her guy; good news all-around for the family... (ok -- now what?) ummmm... uhhh.... went for a wonderful christmas run yesterday morn up here in NE bako. the winter low-sun was warm on my back & the sky a blue-enough to suffuse the morn w/happy hue. as i jogged along the hilly streets, people came in & out of houses & cars bearing armloads of gifts, & what a nice thing it was to call christmas greetings to strangers & smile & share holiday cheer... then back at our folks' house, we had a feast of enchilada-, corn-, & chile relleno casseroles, rice & beans, tamales & flan... the rest of the day was a blur as i passed out from caloric overload... this morning brings pix from the christmas show the other night w/karling abbeygate. it was the most satisfying musical experience i've EVER had, playing a dusk devils set that went so, so bright & happy-well, then getting back up to do a set w/karling's LA band (& me!). we'd "practiced" a few hrs earlier, karling w/no mike, the bar full of patrons & horrid piped music, trying to hear what we were doing but not too able to do so, but then when we did the actual set, my fingers seemed to know where to go, for the most pt, & it was my 1st time doing a basically unprepared set & having success! karling kept throwing me solos & bob the guitarist would nod w/approval... i felt i belonged! then we took a break & karling's bakersfield band went up -- brian p, cesareo, AJ & i (&, of course, donnie, karling's partner). we SLAMMED that set. we rocked! people cheered & hooted & yelled! karling whooped & laughed & her eyes shone. she liked what i & we did! :) all eve, i got so many compliments on my playing. after i told dad, he commented, "you discovered competence you didn't know you had." i think that was it! grateful, i realized it was a real merry christmas present to me, to be pt of the music thru-out the night, playing well, & discovering i could go beyond what i've done & maybe can be a musician, not just an entertainer. what a happy experience. thank you!
can't wait to play again, next wk w/becky, then again w/karling, & soon after w/dusk devils, now w/super-nice drummer stevo, w/back-ups ready to go... from karling, i realize i don't have to have ONE line-up; from becky, i realized i MUST, however, play w/people who are not just well-adjusted enough to get along w/others, but enjoy the music. i know fabulous musicians who play this stuff w/ardor & gusto; there's no room for those who claim to be bored by it. they must go, & from now on, they will, immediately. now i know there are plenty who will take their places! life's too short to play music w/people who don't get this...
that's enough for now. :) happy holidays to all!

showshowshowshowshowshowshows

man, i've had some serious writer's block! life has been busy, busy, busy! i am an official itinerant now, by my definition, tho not a vagabond or migrant. too much to elaborate upon! birds, mountains, road trips, gas stops, yard art, "new" brat from oregon, hotels, restaurants, meetings, hot springs, candye, james, karling, becky, brian paxton, new music, new drummers, friendly dd lineup, family, fans (!), musicians musicians musicians!, fellowship on the mountain & in the valley, yoga, coffee, wonderful christmas "gig" yesterday at st vincent de paul (where my family & i volunteer)... the following shows have beautiful flyers, but i can't get my act together enough to post them! if you're at all interested, please google or facebook them... xoxo to all!
Come see Jenny Angel playing on the following dates:
with The Dusk Devils (Brian Paxton, Scott Deaton, Stevo) and Karling Abbeygate, Fri. Dec. 23 at B. Ryder's Bakersfield, 8 pm, $5
- with Cattie Ness and the Revenge (Rebecca Caraveo, John Bruce, Johnny Rage Wedrall, Fabi Dean, Adam Lee) Wed. Dec. 28 at Big's, Fullerton
- with Karling Abbeygate, Sat. Dec. 31 at Big's, Fullerton
- with the Dusk Devils and Karling Abbeygate at Art Fein's Elvis Birthday Bash, Sun. Jan. 8 at The Echo, Los Angeles, 4pm-midnight
that's the best i can do for now. maybe the muse will return; for now, the wheels are spinning... feliz navidad y prospero ano!

life! life! life!

still near-dead from the NM-CA drive, i was wakened by a knock on the door yesterday, beginning a day of seven visitors!! food, laughs, bawdiness, smoking, griping, loving, camaraderie... the eve ended w/a movie marathon: "jesus christ superstar" followed by "orgazmo." i was grateful this morning when i woke & realize the house hadn't been struck by lightning. :) at NM we hiked to a mtn top w/a woman who turned out to be a healer possessing much historical knowledge & alternative medicine wisdom -- she led us to a gigantic medicine wheel made entirely of quartz!, perched atop a sheer, red cliff! my travel bud kim, a strong & potty-mouthed & kind southern beauty, took me on many steep & treacherous hikes on said trip, for the higher we went, the more exotic rocks we could find -- so i came home w/a number of gorgeous pieces.
this morn beneath a lovely, breezy, cool sky & to the melody of birds, wind, & chimes, i worked on my shrine, adding bits of treasure i'd found in a few abandoned areas along old rt 66: broken cookery & tile, an old coke bottle, a vintage tail light, even some carnival glass & an old toy horse! then i used my quartz specimens to fashion a mini medicine wheel on the stump of an old oak the former resident of this place inexplicably had torn out... stood back to examine my work (it sparkles! like my labyrinth, it radiates ancientness, calm, if pondered...), looked over, & saw a tiny lizard -- but what a lizard! just one inch long, it looked like a fat mini-dinosaur! i never catch the little guys, but this i did, & after taking a few shots of what looked to be a liliputian triceratops & posting it on facebook, adam from cattie ness shot back that it was a horny toad! looking it up further, i discovered it was the california variety (natch); they're endangered in many places; they're loners & so are best left to survive on their own; can be a federal crime to take, even! (ex-hubby b commented, "good thing you didn't pick it up in the oilfield! they'd fine ya a million dollars!"); & eat red ants!... i knew just where to release him -- the beautiful exotic baby went right to a rock in the backyard, near the steps, on which is a red ant highway. i sat for a few minutes &, w/some satisfaction, watched him feast. now it's time to prepare to go practice w/becky & her band, then get the dog boys & visit loved ones.
"love attracts love," wrote st therese, the little flower, as well as, "i would like to fly as the eagle does, but i can only flutter my wings" -- i am, you are, we are the horny toad, the ant, the lonely climber, the red rock: let me be complete in the tininess & weakness of my ephemeral living form, be more compassionate & patient w/earth's creatures -- we are all so delicately small! -- & find comfort in the vastness, amazing beauty, & temporality of this. pay attention! do not take for granted one single thing!
yes, life! life! life! what a blessing! what a constant surprise! what a fragile gift! may you feel blessed & happy today...
ps - here's one more pic, just cause i love it so...

"two pees [sic] in a pod," wrote my cousin... & "unto such a torment the... malefactors were condemned, who reason subjugate to appetite."

what a nice tx trip i had, w/its sultry heat, fecund country roads, flat flat land, fried feasts, scrapping & funny & kind & ribald family interactions, endless air-conditioned drives, & farmland filled w/animals, most lovely for me the jerusalem donkeys jazzy & rosie & the old dog max. yes, we've so much family love out there in tx. i left for the kids a pair of my platform shoes so they can play runway model. in this pic, thomas had given me a tattoo. after that, he, bebe  & i had a wii dance contest (i lost). then my friend, the amazing fireball whiteboy james, invited us to open for his band this wkend. but bass player scotty says he'll be out out of town. then "love" again was agony, agony, agony. the rollercoaster soars, then plunges plunges plunges. i've gone as low as the 5th circle but usually when in h*ll am stuck in the 2nd, blowing around in its violent storm w/no hope of rest or ballast & no virgil to lead the way out... am so grateful to have my folks, for w/o them, i'd never remember the love, the wonderful moments, this precious, fleeting life... all bets would be off.

concidence, fortuity: you made me life so rich, you know you should've been some money, baby, you're so sweet you know you should've been some honey

- just glanced out the window while typing here on a beautiful spring-break mountain morn & saw andy noise from bk hiking up the hill! i knew he was planning to bring a group up here sometime to hike, so talk about coincidence! they might swing back by, if time allows before the bus back to bk. it's the best deal around - $3.50 one-way, $1.75 for seniors/disabled... a huge savings compared to driving it!
- oh, to type while looking out pic window @ pine- & oak-covered mtn topped by baby-blue sky, heavenly clouds wafting along their journey... wow! for the 100th time, i'll say it's difficult to get discombobulated up here, not just cause of lack of poisonous air (was sick last wk & up til yesterday bc of too much bkfld time), but bc of the calming beauty & ever-changing weather. who needs tv? the nature show's unbeatable!
- what's on your gratitude list? here's some for me on this lovely morn:
1. dogs curled up @ my ft; 2. pb&j sandwich w/coffee; 3. good fri dd rehearsal, tho al hendrix did not make it; 4. trip to trout's to see brian lonbeck w/the blackboard playboys, a rock-solid country band w/fabulous banny bannister on piano! this is top-notch "country" musicianship, people, every fri-sat nite, just $5 to two-step or study the pros on their instruments all night long! brian did a cool version of "16 tons" & i got to yak a little w/rockwell about how to turn bk into the next branson & then have a heart-throbbing slow dance that thrilled me to the bone! i realized i haven't had a slow-dance like that in a public place in over 20 yrs!!! sad? mebbe. i was just glad to have it at all. then i took a moonlit drive & had a late-nite super-nosh on the edges of town & my heavens, what a nice time!
5. visited my folks, who, like i hope you feel about yours, are the best; 6. had very short practice w/al @ scotty's cool NE pad; 7. then really fun show w/family, many, many friends, & laughing, dancing ppl!; 8. met super-nice geri boyd, musician w/friendly drawl & twinkling eyes, who is not just a) female; b) keyboard player; but c) a professional in a helping profession; & d) athletic (tho geri does team sports & i pretty much eschew competition)... however, geri trumps me in cool bc she plays SAXOPHONE!! wow!!! i was flattered on break when she came up & wanted to know how i played some piano pts. she said, "when you kicked that messaround off, i jumped to mah feet!"
9. the dusk devils kicked butt! highlights: phil's blistering guitar, creative, spot-on genre melodies, & good-natured hip-shaking during "whole lotta shakin'"; rick, in fine form, catching every beat, that tho he never even got to practice w/al!; scotty adding two tunes, his nice stage thing adding more humanity to dds. western-swing hall of famer, drummer jimmy phillips (late of the go-daddies) sat in for some songs, & original dd's guitarist brian paxton even came in & did a set! his lovely wife lisa provided these pix, from which i learned i need to burn these light-reflecting, unflattering pantyhose!! (oh well.) lastly, @ end of ea set, rockabilly hall-of-famer al hendrix, a fun, friendly senior, came up & sang... "georgia kate," one of al's originals, naturally soars, but it really did as we played & i looked over @ phil & he @ me & i knew we were sharing a hair-raising moment of happy musical thrill! (congrats to phil, too, who AT THE SHOW found out he is a grandfather. what a nice, nice moment for p & his family.) :)
10. a long-time friend, csub prof, emailed to say she's lost 30 POUNDS listening to "let it roll" while on her treadmill. wow!! she showed up, slim & smiling, w/hubby & friends. i didn't see alicia & doug, nor sincere & soulful, devoted-to-the-band john k & lovely wife susan, dance, but the beams from their tables really lit up my heart, as did smiles from gita, danny, aunty rita, mom & dad, vita, eric, hoss, henry, kim, franky, kirby, & so many others whose names i might not know, but whose friendly faces definitely are familiar... if i didn't list you, well, thank you so much for being @ this quite-special show, as well as thanks to al & ethel's for having us. :)
11. tho i was ill sunday & missed lunch w/the hendrixes due to lingering valley allergies, the day was nice, allowing rest & a gorgeous sunset walk on bluffs. friends watched tv basketball & i did not have to get uncorked bc competition & spectator sports -- like chuck berry, like hotdogs, like road trips, old motels, labor unions, honky-tonk & the blues -- are simply pt of our american culture.
(actually, tho, probably roman culture.)
- & when one basketball team represents NOLA, the lovely lovely crescent city where i hope to one day lay my head & also put fingers to keys, well, i sure can back that.
- spring is here! easter is near! happy season of rebirth & possibility to all! "a fonte puro pura defluit aqua!!!"

really cool people

two sides of my place dump onto national forest land, & w/all these storms & also ppl who hike thru, the trash builds up. haven't seen any NFS staff w/trash cans any time lately, so i slid down & cleaned out the arroyo as well as a large area behind my house that goes up into the mountains... good, exhausting work! found some cool stuff, bricks & metal bars & even an old tin can & pair of bifocals! - also, of course, lots of junk, like a disintegrated tent & pieces of a rusted bed, like maybe someone wasn't just camping out there, but maybe had set up home. makes me wonder where this person or these people went...
how are you? me, too much energy. discombobulated! lots of cleaning & exercise & pumping piano is the remedy. plus daily duty to the universe inside, from whence all comes... such practice helps keep that little demon down, the one that tells me go, go, go. that little trickster's fine @ times, like for creative spark & nerve, but @ others, she must be banished to her room!!!!
ok, it's about pasta time, then back to the boogie-woogie marathon... to have 10 moving fingers; to have a somewhat working mind; to have breath & a modicum of sanity: tho perhaps it take different shapes, we've all lots to celebrate while on this short trip of life, doncha think? :)

here i is, i is here

the hostel clerk is online listening to dervishy sitar music... feel a little swoony, but it might be the abq nm altitude... i opted here @ the rt 66 hostel for the $35 rm instead of $20 dorm bed & my place upstairs (am sitting in common rm/kitchen area to do the net thing) is HUGE!!! - sitting rm w/futon, arched entry leading to bedrm w/2 beds, bay windows, private bath (unusual in a hostel, you know)... it's old & funky. like me. oh; having just finished trauma camp, i know i shouldn't speak of myself in such ways. no more cheap jokes! not for tonight, anyhow. but that one was too good to avoid. :)
what to say about life healing center, santa fe, nm? if you know someone in serious distress, wanting to check out of this life, & can make it happen financially, send them! LHC treats mind-body-spirit, no pill-pushing -- just compassion, education, camaraderie, love, uncovering of core reasons for crippling life problems. from it, i feel new, w/internal partner i never realized was there, skills to be a grown-up w/integrity & dignity, the ability to be genuine & realistic... if i use what i learned & do not magnify, but instead recognize & integrate the dark side.
there's some chance now my insides can match my outsides. obviously, this is a very, very good deal, much more than reprieve from desire to check out, which is all i asked for. this morning i said goodbye to dear stacy (she is commemorated near the women's smoke pit, where she would've been the life of the party), walked the grounds labyrinth for the last time (walked it most days i was there). it's been snowing like crazy, arctic weather in nm unprecedented in 40 yrs. sun-lit ice crystals wafted all around like magic celestial jewels, reminders of the eternal spirit of sky & land... i looked up just as a flock of rose-bellied birds flew over, beautiful brothers & sisters. said bye thru tears to wonderful women. even the men said bye, tho we're not sposed to talk. the true love, not lust or fear-based desire for clinging, was palpable more & more each day. we rooted for each other. i grew to love & respect so many. mama said i was courageous to see i needed help, but i didn't see courage til i met the other ppl @ LHC, staff & clients. self-actualization, authenticity: what a task! achievable, but such hard work! besides gratitude, my middle name now must be vigilance, for to have these skills now is a miracle, & it could be an ephemeral one if i'm not careful...
i could blab on & on, obviously; if you read this & want to know more about LHC, please email me. would love to share more.
being off the grounds felt surreal: walking freely, getting my own meals, window shopping, exploring. the train ride to abq was pleasant, sleepy. checked in to hostel, explored on ft the old downtown abq, saw true grit, ate pizza & drank soda & read the free papers (ken's LHC cooking was good, but oh, to eat non-LHC food!!! wow!!!!) i'll miss my new sisters... but will see them soon. more true friends! more love! amazing.
"when you turn toward the light, the shadows fall away."
as pasha would say, "warmth & kindness to you."

bless-ed.

in the old days, the word "blessed" or anything resembling it would've made me puke. but over the holidays, i rented my house thru the site airb&b, & i do feel blessed w/the way things went down.
"strangers? aren't you worried they might trash your house?" an aunt of mine asked. no, i wasn't; i was forthright in describing my house: nothing fancy, but w/beautiful vws & wonderful other perks, i feel, that wouldn't appeal to insincere ppl, mebbe. no real amenities except star-gazing, hiking, mountains, clean air, fireplace, cozy cabin-like ambience, etc. i sensed anyone who'd choose my place would appreciate it as a humble & friendly place... or maybe i'd be wrong & they'd trash it. we'd see how it would go, but i had a feeling all would be ok.
never realized how messy my place was til a young family reserved it for christmas. yipes!! i started scrubbing. for 3 days. :) then a darling young girl & her cute, bubbly mom showed up @ the door. their story sounded sadly too-typical of what's up today in the usa: dad lost job, family had to separate for economic reasons, mom & daughter stay w/grandma while mom finishes school, dad lives in entirely separate town. a young family wrenched apart. "i've been looking for a place i could afford so we could all be together for the holidays," smiled mom. "i'm so grateful; i can't even tell you!" she enthused in 10 different ways how much she loved my house & hugged her little girl. "she's been so brave," she said. the little girl smiled & hugged me when i left. "have fun, sweety!" i said. my heart swelled & i sniffled & smiled w/gratitude down the hill to bako. what a christmas, to be renting my place so that i might have a little dough, but then for THIS family to get to be together bc of it!
then someone i know asked, "did you meet the father?" no, replied i.
worry temporarily set in. what if he's just out of prison, unrepentant? outlaw biker? mean drunk? what if mom & girl were just waiting for me to leave so they could bring in bad papa?
good sense returned. bah - nonsense. as mama said, "it's CHRISTMAS!" (this translates as, "all are welcome, we love everyone, we trust everyone." this is sort of mama's credo all the time, tho.)
my christmas was even better than i'd thought it could be. astoundingly nice. & yesterday i called the dad to give all the heads-up i'd be coming home that next day. a humble voice answered; w/in secs i knew there'd been no need for worry. "we are so blessed to have been able to stay together in your house for the holidays." how was your christmas? i asked. great, he said. "& it was the neatest thing. we were having dinner & looking out the window & it started to snow." snow at christmas for a family reunited, a little girl surrounded by loving mom & dad. i ran sniffling & smiling w/gratitude to my beaming family, all of us wondering @ the christmasy spirit of the whole thing.
today i got home. the daughter was waiting in the window & when i pulled up, she jumped off the couch. the family came right out: beautiful, beaming mom, handsome, clear-eyed dad, smiling child, doggies. we chatted for a few minutes. they smiled & enthused about what a wonderful time they'd had. i went in my house, so happy to be home. they'd left me a huge, cheerful bouquet of flowers, a box of cookies, food in the fridge, a handwritten note & a beautiful card from all containing words like "magical," "amazing," "enchanting," "cozy," & "wonderful." THEY thanked ME. my heart sang, as would yours, i'd think! i sniffled & smiled w/gratitude, then called & told mama & wrote about it here bc i must not ever forget this! don't know why such a nice experience happened to me, but it did, & all i can say is i feel so happy to have had this house that allowed that young family to be together & have such a nice time.
& i do feel blessed; there's not really another word i can think of that better describes it.
happy, happy holidays. :)

moving

arrrrrrgggghhhh!!! my fingers!!!!!!!!
i think i reherniated myself. i look like my sister, lover of mosh pits & martial arts: bruised bow to stern. how did i ever amass so many gd LPs, CDs, music equipment, movies, &, most of all, books??? (&, reminds randy, big shoes.) i should have been collecting granite all these yrs. it'd've be less agonizing to move. however, despite my pain & fatigue, & the possible pain/fatigue of all the loved ones who helped me, the home in the mountains is shaping up cozily (tho the outside still resembles a haunted house). waking up to a window full of national forest & robin's egg-blue sky, with cool clean breezes wafting thru the curtains, fills me with an even happier feeling than i ever imagined... ahhh; to be able to breathe is a wonderful thing.
i hope grandma mary's spirit doesn't take this as blasphemy: peace be with you.

in loco parentis; amor tussisque non celantur

-> not much can be better than being at teacher -- or in my case, teacher-librarian -- at the holidays. in the staff lounge, the special ed teacher smiled peacefully as he carefully cut up pumpkin pies for his students. a wan-looking boy stood w/our tall jovial dutch cafeteria manager; while here, the boy had only patches of hair while he recovered from cancer, but now that his hair’s grown back, he’s razored it off. his hands worried his sweatshirt pockets. “how are you, j?” i asked, & he tucked his head & replied, “oh, ok, i guess. i overslept & missed the bus.” “looking forward to the holidays?” i asked, & he replied, yeah, i guess so. “get to sleep late, don’t have to go to school,” said i, & he grinned a little. “things aren’t so bad, are they?” said i, & he said, “no, i guess they’re not,” & smiled.
-> today i brought cranberry sauce & chicken, since my students said they’d never had the former… i continue to be amazed by what many of these kids have never experienced! skinny little v, toothy & spiky-haired, poked his head in and wished me a happy thanksgiving. my students, “the low class,” roll into the library here little by little, being normally as a group late for school, carrying their bags of goodies for our class thanksgiving. “put them by the president,” i say, & they set their bags by the two framed pictures of youthful, beaming president obama i have there, one a letter to our school thanking us for our congratulations to him upon his election, the other emblazoned with the words “at the moment that we persuade a child, any child, to cross that threshold, that magic threshold into a library, we change their lives forever, for the better. it is an enormous force for good.”
yesterday, although awfully sick still w/hives & now swollen gums, i got to have quality time w/two powerful, loving women, then w/3 of my favorite men, my band. today i leave here, stop off at the grocery store, then it’s home to attempt to make memphis mike’s famous gumbo (please pray for me, whose fridge bears the motto “i kiss better than i cook,” purchased for me by my family). these dang cortisone pills are really making me feel weak & weird, but tomorrow if i’m at all better, i’ll drive out to hart park for the 6 am phantom pie run. you run as far as you like, sez andy noise, & admission’s a mere pumpkin pie (on sale 2/$5 at foodmaxx). you can’t miss it, if you drive out to hart pk. 100s of happy, hale folks participate & there’s lots of breakfast grub available! (btw, if you’re looking for a tasty, tiny sweet potato pie just for you, try louisiana chicken & chinese down on union near the welfare office.)
-> in class, we wrote about being thankful & i put on charlie brown thanksgiving (barely audible above their keyed up clamor) & the ones who’d brought food served from a line of desks w/little a., smart but a space cadet, to my side cheerfully serving pumpkin pie, & my wild, restless, often confused & angry class got fed & got to talk & gentled down just a little, not by my definition of “good manners,” of course, but i could tell they were happy, so that was what was most important today.
-> around my teaching time, the library teemed all day w/loud, excited, happy middle schoolers. after the last bell, a score or so stayed to play on the computers & to practice w/me for next wk’s spelling bee. i limited their study to 3 language families so that they wouldn’t be too overwhelmed, & to look into their innocent, discerning faces as they strained to find the next letter of that next latin, arabic, or “asian language” word was priceless & precious & i got that happy waft. these kids, our future, trust us w/their lives & we willingly act “in loco parentis,” sometimes more so than their own birth folks. of course they need every one of us, not just teachers, to help shepherd them to happy adulthood.
-> a few days ago here at school, they had a turkey trot. today, boys & girls from grades 6-8 took home to families free birds, donated by the teachers. yes, there is much for which to give thanks. kindness, charity, friendship, love, music: the air is palpable with the goodness of humankind & the life process &, many would say, god.
-> may your holidays be filled w/contemplation, gratitude, love, & all that is good.

"you're the coolest librarian i've ever seen!!!"

:)
a little boy named v, who checks out lots of fantastic four graphic novels from our school library, enthused the above. he & his mom danced while we played (along w/others). he also added, "it's like i have a rock star for a librarian" (&, again), "you're the COOLEST!!" having never seen such a reaction from this boy, i was very pleased!!! little s, who comes to the library every single day on every single break, stood motionless, right by the speakers, & stared w/saucer-like blue eyes, transfixed. "jenny," said mama. "that little girl was mesmerized!!"
so our little show at my school went quite well. :) student j ran sound, & the little guy did better than most soundpeople we've had!! angie & mama came up afterward & exclaimed how good it all sounded. "we should hire the kid!" everyone agreed. it was great to see my family there, too, & a few friends here & there in the crowd...
it was funny, kind of weird, & ultimately really nice to play before all these kids i know as "student" (as well as their families). my bandmates were wholly cool thruout, too: mark danced around & was sillier than usual while performing; phil patiently explained about all his gear to the kids; randy smiled & smiled. before, philbert brought over these gigantic cupcakes his daughter had made, & afterward, we hung out a little @ my houselet & my cooler broke & the guys fixed it & then marko & i grabbed a burger & caravanned to a house party where the wichitas played & i got to see the tidwells & chris goodsell & remember what an awesome frontman olllllllen taylor is. the band was tight, & bruce jones is the best. we all squeezed on the couch to watch the band &, sardined between randy & mark, i got such a kick out of randy, who can be one of the most genuinely happy-seeming & generous-spirited fellows i've ever met. he smiled & smiled & cheered for his friends as they played & complimented everyone around him, too.
time for a cup of joe & then to go for a run before readying for today's show at the kern river inn. the weather's lovely! a happy day to anyone reading this...