DUSK DEVILS' Upcoming shows listed at www.myspace.com/theduskdevils (not!)... CONTACT: rule 62 jen at yahoo dot com or the dusk devils at yahoo dot com; www.myspace.com/THEduskdevils (music); www.youtube.com (search "Dusk Devils"); a page exists on facebook, as well...

Thursday, July 17, 2014

jennycast uno

critique & addendum one day after posting the above: wish i'd combed my hair. wish i'd cut my hair! wish i'd smiled more. wish the song had higher volume. overall, tho, this is what i'll do, i think, riffing from general idea. corrections: i was going to post the poems to this blog (not video) & williams is mama's favorite PLAYWRIGHT.... onward, here's a terrific article about maria bamford -- my highly-recommended quick read: the weird, scary & ingenious brain of maria bamford ... in the '80s, many humans receiving mental health support had the rugs ripped out from under them. in the past decade, an increasingly interracial culture as well as gender advocacy efforts have greatly de-stigmatized issues of race & sex -- compare it to when i was in high school in the '80s: gays were "bashed" by the football team & the races at school were strictly delineated, causing my biracial sister & i considerable alienation.... i remember w/delight when as a teacher i started noticing the student rosters morphing as interracial kids appeared more & more: brittany rodriguez; shenieka schwartz; cody gonzales; etc... anyways, back to the point: i'm hopeful that increasing acceptance now is happening on the mental health front. 30 years ago, andy kaufman was considered brilliant, but also a train wreck:  hollywood didn't know what to do w/him. 30 years later, maria bamford is breaking out into stardom, better understood & therefore receiving the recognition her unusual talent deserves. groups like NAMI, WWP, media attention to TBI & acceptance & even adoration of performers like bamford, i hope, all evidence a movement of healing.
i watched the documentary last night of two minds, about bipolar "disorder": to paraphrase, "that ['crazy'] person is your sister. that person is your mother. that person is your husband, your friend." that person is you. that person deserves to be accepted, not rejected, supported, not abandoned.
(she now steps down from soapbox to go do the dishes.)

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Sunday, July 13, 2014

bad dreams, sore back, bit of crumbcake

- i woke this morning to a stupid bad dream brought on, i'm sure, by pain from stupid hurt back & maybe that 1/4 bag of salt-&-pepper popcorn i ate last night while passing out to the smithsonian channel... reminded me of a very weird short film by winsor mccay (creator of little nemo in slumberland, so visually strange & brilliant, please, if you've never read or seen them, look them up -- not the animated movie, but the beautiful & bizarre strips by mccay!) -- the short is about a monster created from nightmare brought on by dyspepsia... let me see if i can find it...
- great jumping jehoshaphat! here it is! the internet is ever-astounding; so much for the hours, days, months, years of research it once took to locate a rare fact or eureka of information: here is that film, & hope you will watch it! dreams of the rarebit fiend... i spose in cases of more intense, high level, or arcane academic research, like the kind dad or alicia do, one still has to dig & dig & dig & maybe ever-dig to get answers that maybe never come... never give up, noble research nerds!! never surrender!!
- anyways, i'm just taking a break from yardwork cause tho i so love to be out in the clean air & breeze under the happy sunlight in the gigantic yard raking & hoeing & hacking & whacking & smacking (just kidding; little roy brown ref, you know), my back's been hurting, so have to measure my fuel expenditure so the engine doesn't crack... nothing much more except as i worked & enjoyed the breeze, pausing for a sec to look up & see someone from the fellowship drive by, look up, then keep driving w/o a flicker of recognition, i thought, it's almost like i'm in disguise when i'm not in makeup & a dress. then i thought of the other night at james's show when a nice man said, "i love your hair... but what do you call your makeup? is that goth?" his girlfriend slapped him lightly & laughed, "no, stupid, she's not GOTH!" and i mumbled something, & he reiterated, "but i really love your HAIR!" and when i had walked away, i remembered: bride of frankenstein.

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Saturday, July 12, 2014

the shepherd, the boatman & the king

 here's the pic of us i mentioned below... just for balance's sake, here's a pic of the delightful cake my friends on the mountain made me for my sobriety birthday! it reminded me of when i was a teacher & would get student drawings, lovingly wrought, of each child artist's envisioning of me. all are such gifts, to be treasured for as long as my memory can hold them. :)
just was stretching my tweaked back & listening to an audio on roku buddhist channel from sakya trizin. what moved me was a different way of looking at compassion i'd never considered, the concept of boddhicittra -- found this page online w/elaboration, & hope you'll find it interesting:  six causes for one effect ... a wonderful event tonight will be whiteboy james & the blues express at shenanigan's in long beach, ca -- the last show of his i enjoyed there was so neat -- many strollers by, tourists & europeans, stopped to gawk & laugh & revel in james's amazing showmanship, singing, playing, & overall star power! don't miss it, if you're in the area... shenanigan's, 423 shoreline village dr, long beach, ca 90802

Thursday, July 10, 2014


Oh, I am exhausted, listening to drunken voices on city street below. So grateful to be supine. Thought we were all done moving, but noooooo...oh, my aching feeeeet!!!..
 I know this: am done w bargain hunting for a while! So much stuff... too many possessions... such a golden problem, maybe a western problem... maybe a hoarder problem!!! My 19th sobriety bd went so nicely from the moment I woke til I hit the bed that nite. So grateful to be clean & sober cause i'd be doomed otherwise. At the large, happy family party, we took a great bathing suit pic, triple photobombed most hilariously by cheeky family. Brother Doug says he will put it on their Christmas card, but 1st he has to Photoshop black bars over James's impressive pecs & physique. As bawdy as he is onstage, my husband is very private personally, as am I, tho I'm not bawdy (just like short hems). We took this pic facing ultra-bright flash tonight, the final wbjbe Wed at Harvelle's. All were delighted when Max Bangwell showed up to play a set. Scarecrow-gaunt, Max still is the most entertaining, creative & solid drummer I've ever watched or seen. It was wonderful to see him in action as well as witness the love radiating between these friends. Well, hubby is back, so time to sign off for now . (Picture later - too confusing, puzzling how to add it from phone using hunt-peck method. Where is a teenager at times like this?)

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

together again...

-> taking a break from unpacking... this whole moving week's been an exhausting blur of backbreaking labor, mental strain, frustration, sitting around waiting, fatigue-induced blubbering spells, & the payoff -- exploring & hanging out w/my husband last night, a time of fun, elation, freedom, romance & possibility. what a mix! what a rollercoaster! and we're coming off this ride worn-out but just fine, even exhilarated & ready to ride more. stronger, safer, & more alive! thank you, james... (refer to ike & tina song)
-> a song keeps waltzing around my brain & it brought up memories... i wonder if the older i get, the more memory takes over til if i'm not watchful, i'm permanently lost in it, not present cause the mental hard drive's so filled up w/data? hope not; hope to stay awake & alive; hope the ever-thickening panoply of remembrances will add layers of life-experiences allowing ever-deepening wisdom & appreciation rather than drooling absent-mindedness... please tell me you think about this stuff, too???
-> anyways, many lives ago in bakersfield, i was in the employ of a country-western tv star-singer who called me up to his office cause he heard thru his son i played piano. he asked if i wrote songs & at that time i had a grand total of two -- didn't start songwriting much til a few yrs after i sobered up. i was too intimidated to play anything in front of the old man -- even tho the beautiful grand in the office did provoke in me a longing, i was a crappy musician in those days & knew it. i was way more interested in getting loaded than playing piano, & while i've always been able to plunk out melodies & could even then, blind drunk or high, i couldn't coordinate my hands to do anything even a bit more technical, tho i would try sometimes. how embarrassing to recall the faces of puzzled friends trying to be polite, no doubt thinking to themselves, i thought she said she could play piano? and maybe even, oh g*d, she sucks!! she must be cracked to have said she knew how to play!! ...ah, my delusional, idiotic youth!  :D
-> anyways, back to the story, years later i was told that the old man's office was bugged so he could steal songs, which now that i type it, sounds kinda paranoid, but the old man was both a really good & really terrible guy, from my experience & understanding, both philanthropic & downright mean, so maybe it was true... i've heard stories since about other artists of high repute, some of my musical heroes, even, who rip off songs from others. so disappointing, but i guess laziness & greed (& possibly desperation from creative drought) of this kind is part of some human's nature... even if that human's a million-record seller!
-> my old friend ruben, late of east la's the blazers, told me to do a poor man's copyright after i finally put out my 1st batch of songs in the early '00s -- "then if someone steals one of your tunes & makes money on it, you go after 'em!" he said, grinning. what you do is, you record your compositions, seal them in an envelope, then mail them back to yourself, leaving the package unopened. i did it, & one tune DID get recorded... my payment? i got a CD containing the guy's version of the song. the rest of the songs i've written, hundreds of them, sit in drawers & boxes around here. yeah, i'm sure not getting rich off songwriting, but on the other hand i still've got the creative satisfaction of having written them as well as the considerable pleasure & gratitude of knowing this desire lives in me & continues to produce... do what you love, love what you do...
-> anyways, i keep thinking of one of buck owens' lovelier songs as i unpack, wondering now if he even wrote it, & if he didn't, who did? did someone someplace write these lyrics, then get ripped off by mister o? if so, i hope their pride in having written something beautiful soothes the what-must-be horrible pain of having a baby stolen...
-> together again / my tears have stopped falling / the lone, lonely nights / are now at an end / the key to my heart / you hold in your hand / and nothing else matters / we're together again / together again / my gray skies are gone / you're back in my arms / back where you belong / the love that we knew / is living again / and nothing else matters / we're together again
-> ok, back to unpacking... may you have a day, & then another, & then another... :)

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Saturday, June 28, 2014

well, look there: it's a well!

look what dad & james found yesterday, day one of the Big Move! we were so happy to see mom & dad, & vice-versa. dad loves to work outdoors, like i do now, too: he relishes every chance to dig holes, climb hills, pull down branches, plant & cultivate gardens & landscaping, chop, hammer, saw, drill, get his hands in the soil, work on vehicles, build things, etc., & james, being from the city but w/lots of rural hard-work experience in his youth, seems to, also:  i was happy they found this well/cistern & together got it opened up. how mysterious, i think! a well! such a thing, seemingly out of nowhere! wonder if we'll ever discover its story?

traffic from so-cal was just absolute garbage-crap, so i was so grateful to get here on the mountain to not just beautiful, peaceful skies & scenery, but mom & dad w/table of picnic gourmet meal, courtesy of mama. we're about 40% toward starting this new life-chapter at this point, & it's been a buttload of work!, so i'm doing what i did when a teacher nearing each school-year-end: projecting my brain ahead one week to the end of this move, when it will all be in the past, merely a grueling memory of bruises, bumps, sore muscles & tired cranky thoughts. my  hoped-for outcome? a relaxing Home of creativity, peace, fun & growth, away from the city, which is great to visit, but also great to depart! .. speaking of cool cities, unable to sleep well, i watched  another episode of anthony bourdain's travel show, this one about tangier, which looks like the quintessence of the intriguing, mysterious escape! i couldn't sleep due to a stupid fire ant bite that kept me up near-all night. how could something so small hurt so badly?? look up schmidt ant bite pain scale for humorous description of such excruciating experiences...
well, the computer crashed & erased the rest of what i had written, so guess it wasn't that important... may your home be where your heart is, & may you avoid fire ants, wherever the dastardly, infernal, blasted, angry little bast*rds may may be! (ps - tonight, don't miss whiteboy james & the blues express at the regal inn in lakewood, ca... all good people are invited... heck! everyone's invited: good, bad, & ugly! come out & enjoy some great music doled out by the best front man on this planet...)

Sunday, June 22, 2014


- (i was going to post this yesterday, the longest day of the year, but i fell asleep.)
- how about a short essay about physical attraction? after all, this is the longest day of the year, marking the beginning of summer, season of fecundity (or, wait, that's spring: oh well; i don't want to rewrite this entire post)...
- here's a pic of my legs. james bought me the designer gold shoes.
- i'd rather have my sister's legs -- slimmer, longer. but mine are strong & muscular & have served me well. yes, i post here my legs, self-objectifying / self-centered, maybe, but you know what? i'm proud of them. many 100s of thousands of squats, lunges, burpees, calisthenics, asanas, hikes, & jogs have formed these legs (plus genetics)...
- the gams are in part what attracted my husband to me, he has said. in my experience, males generally are more (i don't use this word pejoratively, please know) fetishistic than females, drawn by body parts -- some say men in general are more "visual," but i've read it's due to the straight male's instinctual link to Mother. all human creatures have that bond-instinct, of course, but hetero women are less apt to objectify men physically because their initial survival attachment to mother is same-sex, therefore not eroticized. (yech - don't know why i don't like that word except my family always has been so very, very proper, meaning close-mouthed about issues of sexuality.) in straight men, when the comfort of Mother is removed, especially if prematurely, physical longing can result. for instance, i knew a guy in bakersfield who actually would say, his wife standing there chuckling, he was a "boob guy" cause "my mom's stacked." yech! but at least he was being honest... yes, talking just of straight males, some are chest men, some like long hair, some like rear ends. some -- like james -- are classier when describing what they find attractive while others are grosser, even degenerate, even scary. all women know it happens: as you go through life as a female person, you meet creeps. i relate it to how here & there, you can't help it, you step in dog poop.
- james said he liked my smile, too, the happy & sincere smile i know i got from my folks. (not the joker smile i use to keep my personal space protected.) i thought that was sweet of him, to be drawn to that. even though james can be foul-mouthed & tough as bullets, his comment reminded me of my dad & what a gentlemanly not-pig, a noble man, dad's always been...
- i have my definite "type," too, so maybe i'm a little like a dude that way. it can be a hazard, though: i've  been in several major car crashes due to being overwhelmed by initial attraction -- my friend denise decades ago described  it as "toxic chemicals," so in addition to looks, there's the pheromone thing, too.  it's always disturbed me that, once i like how a fellow looks, i can be drawn even more by the smell of booze radiating from his pores -- however, i AM an alcoholic, even if in arrest for now-almost 19 years. please know i'm not swooning in the wake of every drunk male wafting past -- far from it. and i'm aware of the nature of the allure of that smell: it's just me being a drooling drunk. even after all these years. my body still wants a drink -- further proof that, today, i must not imbibe.
- in general, when women point out a guy as being "hot" or attractive, i don't get it. it's especially weird when a woman my age points out a younger man -- probably cause i was a teacher for so many years; young men (generally anyone under late-30s) look to me like students. and males attracted to young women? yes, youth can be aesthetically appealing, but any attraction beyond that is revolting & probably indicating pedophile tendencies... yech. go away, pervert.
- yes, i recognize that many human forms are artistically pleasing or "attractive" by societal standards, but definitely i am not in general attracted to 99.9% of humans "in that way." the human form can be as beautiful as a sunset, mountain, work of art (the first known sculpture was of "the lovers," two figures in embrace, from neolithic times). but that certainly does not mean that any human should be treated like or mounted like an object. no way.
- all of this blabbing doesn't even get in to personality. how many attractive people have YOU encountered who, once you started talking to them, were dumb as dirt, boring, arrogant, pretentious, presumptuous, superficial, crazy in a not-fun way, mean, prejudiced, or otherwise lacking in the human being department? -- so finding that one person who has the right combination of physical appeal & personality, well, if you love such a person, consider yourself blessed. and hold on tight, though not so tight that you choke the life out of the poor sucker. (if you have this tendency, go to al-anon!)
- i have been very, very, very comforted these past two years that i am attracted to & devoted to james only, & no one else even makes a blip on my radar. and i'm not even keeping my eyes downturned, fighting to avoid temptation: there IS no temptation. truly this is sign of the goodness of the universe, in my opinion, & encouragement that a person (even me) can move toward moral improvement... it's healthy progress for me, even if i'm still a nutbag in many other ways.
- i'm thinking my job & yours (should you undertake it) is to look honestly at those nutbag/shadow parts & learn to love them so they can stop rearing their horrid heads, may be transformed into something positive, &, best scenario, may be used to help another human feel less alone & dreadful. ("oh, haha! you think YOU were jealous? get a load of THIS!" or  "oh, you think YOU were a bad partner? well -- whew! -- wait til you hear what EYE did one time!")
- the key: "awareness, acceptance, action" -- thank you, carla.