what i assume you shall assume, for every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you...

I have perceiv’d that to be with those I like is enough,
To stop in company with the rest at evening is enough,
To be surrounded by beautiful, curious, breathing, laughing flesh is enough,
To pass among them, or touch any one,
or rest my arm ever so lightly round his or her neck for a moment—what is this, then?
I do not ask any more delight—I swim in it, as in a sea.
There is something in staying close to men and women, and looking on them,
and in the contact and odor of them, that pleases the soul well;
All things please the soul—but these please the soul well.

here is is, i is here (for now, that is)

photo by brian paxton (top), karling & the atomics (bottom) by mikee lee... boy, that 2nd one's quite a beefy shot of me; them big thighs, tho, can squat over 200 lbs. i have the hernia scar to prove it.
we had a good set, i thought, both these nights. the more karling twirls & smiles, the better i know we're doing. i so enjoy watching her enjoy a set, as i do becky & all the others in the three bands i get to play in. (conversely, there's little worse than looking over @ at "bandmate" who's not getting it.) :) later the latter night, i picked up a friend & we went up to the mtns & it became my friend's last trip. friendships end, but music is everlasting. life is everlasting. maybe not mine or yours individually on this plane, but on an energetic, cellular, stardust, atomic, neutrino level, yes, we're no more transient than are the rocks or universes... *sigh*

menmenmenmenmenmenmenmenaaaaaahhhh

- lucky in life, unlucky in love am i. a very talented friend of mine today wrote me that her dear mom "had a lot of men problems," & i think that's just how it always will be for me. that's not me being a victim, just stating the truth as it's manifested in this life: i must be a volunteer in the big mess i always make of love relationships, right?, or i'd do them better.
- dear marcel -- handsome, introverted, & unhappy, compared to me, which i saw out the gate & should've heeded --, here is a quote for you from your namesake: "in a separation it is the one who is not really in love who says the more tender things" (proust). i have spoken similarly kind & loving words when kicking someone to the curb -- kind of like offering a parachute to a falling man after already having pushed him out of the airplane. i understand, tho; i really do.
- marcel will never find another as troubled, earthy, eccentric, mercurial, passionate, cheery, & loyal, despite the way events went down, & he might be relieved by that... i think such folks need someone subdued, someone more, i hate to say it, what w/my self-image problemos, "ladylike." it takes a confident man -- even if he also is a troubled man -- to be willing & able to support a trifling, traveling, terrific but troubled woman. i suppose such a female could be too much for a male who doesn't know how to gentle her down with the appropriately concise, friendly, firm reassurance. but maybe it's not a matter of volatile vs shy. maybe one has to be the ballast, if the other is the gale, even if the two have to agree to take turns...
- some more good quotes: "i'd like to run away from you, but if you didn't come and find me ... i would die" (shirley bassey)
- "we are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love" (freud)
- "the pain of love is the pain of being alive. it is a perpetual wound" (maureen duffy)
- i have so much love in my life. but this variety, the romantic kind, will kill me as certainly as day follows night. what i know intellectually i hope eventually will penetrate my heart: the marcels, the milksops, the ghosts, the liars, the whirlwinds, the demons, & all in-between deserve peace & love that lasts beyond the honeymoon. growing together into trust & support is a product of true love, & if no growth occurs, if, in fact, a relationship degrades, it isn't love, but obsession or selfishness, or even, to sound a bit superstitious, possibly evil (shudder). what will be the outcome of this & similar situations certain on the road ahead? only the oracle knows... or the shadow...
- to my 10 readers worldwide i write, i love you, & thank goodness for friendship & the kind beauty & promise of evolution. "men are like buses," someone like mae west said; "if you miss one, another will be coming around in 5 minutes." oh! what would it be to have that attitude? w/scarlett o'hara, however, i can agree: "tomorrow is another day." now, so i'll feel better in the moment, some cheap laughs: quotes about men (don't read if you are an easily-offended male)

laissez les bon temps roulet!!!!

how you, baybee? my mardi gras started from the couch (i'm always physically sober, but passed out around 4 am from sheer exhaustion, movie on being the generally not-worth-it-unless-you-like-feeling-slimy "dogtooth"). awoke to a phone call from my recuperating friend who once lived in new orleans & now look out on "my" mountains as visiting cat friend happily grooms herself, perched on the window... am celebrating this last-hurrah before lent w/a pot of community coffee & wonderful nola sounds such as these, both so, so thrilling (particularly the unison singing at end of "i'm gone"!), & all i can think of as i listen is warmth, friendship, smiles, affection, happiness, romance, travel, cool music, love... dang!
cat just jumped on the keyboard! "kitten on the keys"! :) she's reminding me to stop being mushy, maybe...
fabi dean's right that it'd be better to be at mardi gras today, but, as we discussed yesterday at breakfast at affordable, delicious cafe casse croute, it's great to be anyplace...
yes, we're not pushing up daisies... surely that's something to be happy about!
a smile on this mug, i wish you a lovely day. :) :) :)

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, where is you?

can't sleep. clowns won't eat me, just can't sleep. man, life's been busy!
some thoughts:
1) a certain rather full-of-himself rockabilly hipster -- really, anyone w/good sense -- should not plomp smugly down & start putting the movidas on rockabilly betties right after departing a bar crapper, accompanied by the waft of his own poop (pepe le pew is cute to us viewers, but he not only never gets the girl, but repulses her!); yes, i feel sorry for him, too, that this happened, but not that sorry! really: get a clue, fella!
2) road trips can be wonderful; hotels & diners are fun; gigs are gigs, some terrific, some good, some horrid; friends (amazingly) ever-grow in number & run true & deep; but the freeways of LA & orange county certainly reside in a lower circle of hell, & there's no place like home (lisa p reminded me to click my ruby slippers 3x when reciting that)...
3) during this latest swell, fun, exciting, exhausting week/end, i got to play music w/a very talented young man from up here on the mtn; w/karling & the atomics; & w/becky & my revenge friends (dearer to me all the time, as are the paxtons & karling & co), & eat at many great joints, most memorably a delicious anaheim french-vietname place. one of the best pts of traveling always is when i can drop in at my gym at some new place, but today i exercised so hard, i was reminded i'm probably getting a little long in the tooth to be kicking, squatting, punching, & burpying alongside the lithe 20-somethings... but MAN, it's fun! (not to mention the ego high of being able to keep up & even best many of them strength-wise);
4) then i read in runners' world about a 100-yr old marathoner (his time, 8:11; his training tip, "i watch where i am going") & remember if you don't use it, you lose it (feels like rigor mortis sets in when i skip working out for more than 2-3 days)... still, modification of form is in order to avoid the injuries that so commonly beset us middle-ageds. i need to ramp it down before i hurt myself AGAIN;
5) each of us have our opinions, & we live in a society that allows us the luxury of self-expression (refer to recent "louie" episode to laugh ruefully at us americans, so, so spoiled, relative to most everyplace else on earth). one of my fervent opinions (in the "who gives a crap" dept), for instance, is that men w/receding hairlines, extra girth, & strong hands are hot stuff. it's a face thing, too: angie & i were raised w/the most handsome father in the world, & unfortunately, we think therefore that handsome=solicitous & kind, since our father is, & "handsome but not soliticous & kind" men are not appropriately honoring their god-given gift of handsomeness & therefore, in my primitive book, are evil & to be punished (yikes! hope my attitude is softening as i age)... anyways, back to the pt: it's all relative!
a guy i know whom i find to be quite attractive flattered the crap out of me & told me, "you're so pretty," to which i replied, w/o thinking, "to YOU," & he shot back, "well, who else matters, dumbbell???" & i had to pause. yes, he was the one complimenting me... who else's opinion DID matter in that moment? and who was i to denigrate his kindness like that? i cannot deem his opinion to be wrong, even if i think i'd be prettier if i were taller, slimmer, younger, more anglo, more glamorous, whatever...
beauty is in the eye of the beholder. i must not insult the beholder, nor question his/her motives or sincerity... such things, yes, can't help but be broadly societal, but really are very personal, special, idiosyncratic, even sacred... i like what i like. you like what you like. we mustn't tell each other what to like or dislike. it's just disrespectful!
6) lastly, synchronicity just smacked me upside the melon. a friend asked what i thought of his new band's name. ignorant of the historical, local phrase he had chosen, i suggested other, similar names, thinking the name he'd picked sounded like a kids' band. i'm so smart. (didn't even think to look it up. what a scholar i am.)
yesterday as she drove w/me partway to the doll hut gig, cattie ness (aka "beaky") out of the blue starts telling me a story about the migrant workers in this valley, the ones who followed the harvests, naming them by the very phrase that will be my friend's band's name.
clonk! all of a sudden, it made sense: americana & bakersfield fetishists will go ape over this obscure reference. olen, i was ignorant when you kindly emailed me. you're a genius!

your blinded hand (tennessee williams)

Suppose that
everything that greens and grows
should blacken in one moment, flower and branch.
I think that I would find your blinded hand.
Suppose that your cry and mine were lost among numberless cries
in a city of fire when the earth is afire,
I must still believe that somehow I would find your blinded hand.
Through flames everywhere
consuming earth and air
I must believe that somehow, if only one moment were offered,
I would
find your hand.
I know as, of course, you know
the immeasurable wilderness that would exist
in the moment of fire.
But I would hear your cry and you’d hear mine and each of us
would find
the other’s hand.
We know
that it might not be so.
But for this quiet moment, if only for this
moment,
And against all reason,
let us believe, and believe in our hearts,
that somehow it would be so.
I’d hear your cry, you mine –

And each of us would find a blinded hand.

congratulations to angie & doug!!!!; music; my ex, my friend; blabbity blabbity blab blab

- art fein posted the pic (below on this blog) of ruby friedman & i on his site, calling us "femmes flagrant," which i only can translate as "obviously females." i take this as compliment (ruby is ultra-glamorous &, like i do, favors short dresses/long hair/platforms/makeup); thanks, @!... that led me to poke around art's site & find again this pic, which i love & repost here not just cause it's funny & shows two eccentric, ultra-talented cuties, but because of what i think to be a strange phenomena: their physical resemblance extends also somehow to their musical interests, lifestyle habits, & vocal chords (structural similarity = similar physiognomy? do women whom i resemble lean toward thyroid & mood imbalance, addictions, athletic & musical tendencies, mad magazines & monsters?)... it makes sense two throats similar in shape & size possibly also could emit similar singing voices, tho in phil's & james's cases, that voice is so unusual! the similarity just interests me, as if this truly were a case of "brothers from another mother"...
- it has snowed & stuck here today, the hillside outside still gleaming faintly in the dark, & earlier flakes flitted & danced & swirled while the dogs played outside, their thick dark coats sugared icy white (brian brought them up; we had a nice lunch & he told me about the "old man motorcycle" he's built as well as that his former job wants him back, which doesn't surprise me bc brian is a well-liked genius). too bad it didn't snow yesterday when cattie ness & the revenge were here! they stayed for the weekend, another "band sleepover," as becky calls them; she outlined for fabi & i our upcoming trip to france in spring (to be tourists & to play @ the blue monday rockabilly festival in lyon). we played a lot of music, recorded by friendly drummer johnny. in a stupor of food & 2nd-hand band smoke, i sat rather than stood as we played & played & played, barely able to keep my eyes open most of the weekend!... this wkend we'll be pt of a rockabilly show at anaheim's doll hut (contact me, if interested), & friday i hope to see petunia & the vipers, the canadian band of whom fabi & james've spoken highly, along w/phil alvin & exene cervenka. but we'll see.
- today i'm thankful that friends having major life events are making good progress, it sounds like, but best news of all is that my sister was proposed to today by her preacher boyfriend, a rough-hewn, friendly bear of a man who works hard to help others & has never tried to proselytize my family, which i very much appreciate. anyone w/sense, which he has, would look @ my family & see, tho they are not specifically religious, they are moral, upstanding people of generous spirit, not in need of "saving." "i guess i have to be good now," mama said on the phone, but the joke is, she already is. personally, i know i could afford to gossip & swear less, to live more the way that my conscience knows that i should (to quote one of my favorite books, marcus aurelius' meditations, "if it is not right do not do it; if it is not true do not say it"), so i'm happy for the potentially positive influence of this "christian man" in our family. plus, i just like the guy!
- my sister has been so much happier since meeting this man, which makes me so happy for her. little angie is kind, smart, talented, loyal, hard-working, & so many other things positive; she deserves a good fellow! i hope & wish she & her husband-to-be will enjoy the rests of their lives together as a team, through the good & the bad... for there always is bad along w/the good, as any sensible person knows. nunca te rindas!! the trick w/any relationship is to commit to growing together, as brian & i did for many yrs before we grew so much, we got too independent of one another & grew apart!... despite this, i am thankful today to have such warm feelings toward my ex-husband, who is quite a fine man. this might sound weird, but i hope he finds love again w/a woman worthy of him (& that anyone unworthy will be sunk in the kern river). of course, i hope, too, that when i am ready (i'm not) i will find love again w/a dependable someone w/whom i will commit & grow. this liminal life-stage i've been in for the past couple of yrs can't last forever... can it? :)
- still, i gotta be happy w/what i have, which is a life more filled w/love & friendship than i've ever known. tomorrow, for instance, we'll celebrate the women's meeting here @ my home, & i can't wait to get my place all cleaned up & welcome my friends here to share valentines, food, drink, laughter, & hearts w/each other (boy, THAT didn't sound corny!). :)
- "love is an offspring of spiritual affinity," wrote kahlil gibran.
happy valentine's day to anybody who has read this far :) here's some more cool stuff to read, if you're interested: quotes from marcus aurelius love to all. :)

idiots; i never learn...

whoever wrote this is not an idiot: what wit!... people who purport to be writers should know their stuff, tho, i feel, & right now i'm angry about a situation in which i am looking down at "writers" who don't know their comma & pronoun usage, using that as an excuse to feel superior, which is a bad place for me to be...
of language, twain commented, "anyone who can only think of one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination." my dad, whose name bears six letters total, is one of the brightest fellows i've ever known, but has always had trouble w/spelling... i am all over the place, p.o.ed about having been asked to become involved in something that really is none of my biz, a petty little turd i could've not stepped in, but smoosh, there i went... "we step on the toes of others & they retaliate, seemingly w/o provocation"... it's my fault i'm disturbed; still, can't help looking down my nose @ the retaliator, whose music is crap, i've always thought; who is known for writing blogs yet doesn't well-enough-for-me use basic american english mechanics (hence the graphic here); who is an associate of an arrogant & untalented local writer whom i to-this-day dislike (can you tell?); & who also, it seems from a quick online search, possesses what-i-think-are smug, provincial attitudes... so of course this dunce would have started the sh*tstorm she did.
but i didn't need to become involved.
i need to not do things just cause people ask me to, or even worse, just suggest that i do; why do i still want so to please people when they wouldn't care one bit if i were to stay out of frays? dad certainly would not have gotten involved; he is the mushroom, & i'm sure better off when i am, as well.
"don't borrow trouble," donna wisely would say. when i borrow trouble, most ppl seem pretty damned stupid, & i don't mean just bc they don't know basic punctuation or usage... i become the judge & they become greedy, venal, ugly, useless, detestable, hypocrites; then i snarl & pant & feel like a sap... if i mind my own business, i don't get on my high horse; i don't despair; i ignore dunces as well as decisions made by friends w/which i disagree. when i tend my own garden, i delight in my wonderful life & am appropriately supportive of others... but once again, i forgot, & once again, i'm the dumbbell, the one to pay... lessons come so slowly when you've a head of rocks & marbles.
that's all for now.

outside in & inside out, you're my meat... you're fat & forty, but lordy, you're my meat

heck, what they got away w/lyrically in the pre-no-holds-barred musical era!... for me, clever & humorous euphemism & metaphor's so much more fun than let-it-all-hang-out lyrics. to express salacious affection this way, w/a smile & a poke, is much more thrilling, i think, since comprehension's embedded w/delight & surprise. :)
the other night, nuts from the incessant, battering wind up here, i jumped in the truck & headed down for music in the southland (if my new dress fit, i would go; if it did not, i'd stay home & watch larry sanders to drown out the teeth-grinding wind), then tagged along to norm's for eggs & jam-slathered toast w/some bakersfield gals & friends, then checked in at a swell little motel off the long beach circle, a place i love but will keep to my greedy self cause it's cheap & vintagey & humble, but you can email me & i'll tell you about it... w/o the distraction of my ipod (which ran away last wk), i hit the bed by 4 am, which enabled me to next day hit the swap meet!! i found great treasures, best of which was a piano-shaped jewelry box, as well as an i-hope-appropriate gig dress & some juicy red & orange bell peppers & a girl scout shirt & some millet for my birds!! i drove around long beach for quite some time (cause i was lost) & found envy prickling me, as it does not when i go to other beach towns, but LB seems to have that desirable combo (for me) of funky & fun & pretty & rough... i just started to get an attitude, so sought comfort at one dollar bookstore in an old barnes & noble @ LB's pike shopping center, an overwhelming assembly, tons upon tons of tomes! my biggest score was a learn-japanese-using-manga title for my niece; there was a whole lotta junk, but for every $1 you spend, the bookstore donates a book to the local school district, which is a terrific idea! too bad more communities don't have this kind of place (one dollar bookstore locations)... obsessed w/locating a restaurant i'd read about, i drove & drove in long, long ovals & angles for an hr before resorting to old-time navigation: the thomas guide, which took me happily to a gigantic booth at king's hawaiian on w sepulveda near the 91/107, a wonderful place!! languid, swooning hawaiian tunes played as i gazed upon a giant aquarium & ate sweet rolls, rice, kim-chee, potato salad, & various juicy-sweet bbq... delicious! the place also has a lovely bakery w/cakes fecund w/fruits & creams, but i was about to bust, so headed for home, a fat smile on my face. http://www.kingshawaiianrestaurants.com/
then i hit the gaseous parking lot known as the 405.
the only good thing about the "drive," if you could call the interminable inching progress i made that, is it took so dang long, i hit my area in time to view the frazier mountain sunset filled w/sighing clouds out of maxfield parrish...
now the wind's still blowing... wonder what escape will present itself next?
a good day to you. may the wind not blow your skirt up.
unless you wish it to do so.