DUSK DEVILS' Upcoming shows listed at www.myspace.com/theduskdevils (maybe)... CONTACT: rule 62 jen at yahoo dot com or the dusk devils at yahoo dot com; www.itunes.com (search "Dusk Devils"); www.myspace.com/THEduskdevils (music); www.youtube.com (search "Dusk Devils");

Thursday, April 17, 2014

i'm thinkin'

yesterday i spent a lot of time watching videos of animals. the evening was siphoned away! no meeting, no exercise, no reading... just lots of kittens playing with baby monkeys; colts playing with exercise ball; and my favorites: the dog videos -- lovely, warm-eyed, happily-panting retrievers playing music & posing in prayer & putting away their own bowls, waiting patiently, so eager to please, so beautiful & intelligent.  then i decided to make a few videos for james when he came home. he gets a kick out of them. anyways, today i'm supposed to run many errands but am again distracted by the infernalnet.  i added a few of the newer videos to james's youtube channel, one featuring one of my characters. i have a lot of characters, too, but james is really the only one who knows about them cause, well, he's whiteboy james w/his roaring past & 70 mm personality & i am a polite sometimes-educator, so no one really knows or cares i'm many times just a few steps from the bat factory myself & that's just fine with me...  it's funny how much james as batman looks like the old mad magazine batman. it's funny how easily i can recall & feel being drunk, after nearly 19 years without. it's funny i get to be the organized & nice one while i don't have both my oars in the water a lot of the time... maybe that's just humankindness, our infernal blessed state. don't matter what you think of me, but what i think of you. that's what francis of assisi said, anyways. if that weren't plenty non-sequitors for you, i got more.
here's the channel: whiteboy james's youtube channel NOW WITH NEW CONTENT!
this post sounds really disjointed & erratic, maybe, but i think i'm just hungry. here's wishing us on this day a good place to eat & rest & make waste, but not haste, & of course i mean waste only in the bodily-functionable sense.... (sing to tune of hank ballard): it's peanut-butter tiiiiime / peanut-butter eating tiiiiiiiime....

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

it says here...

"the average unmarried female 
Basically insecure 
Due to some long frustration may react 
With psychosomatic symptoms 
Difficult to endure 
Affecting the upper resperatory tract." (frank loesser, guys & dolls)
wow - while looking up  those lyrics, which apply, too, to the female/male of any marital status whose "long frustration" is the effort of living in one's own brain, i found this website: www.rhymebrain.com 
james & i have respective conditions that are at times -- gee: how to put it? -- a bit troubling, an inconvenience, a pain, yes; horrible, tragic, horrifying, perhaps; a test of one's mettle, surely; our crosses to bear, i could describe them, what w/easter upcoming (gee, that sounded crass, maybe); but why write a book about it all now?... the upswing is lots of creativity, so there's always two sides to the coin.
how many more cliches can i pack in these paragraphs?
just an hour ago i was braced very poorly against the tsunami of emotion that hits me like it's my last breath on earth, feeling these churning, roiling waves of despair, futility, hopelessness, helplessness, the same waves that have hit me since i was a child, when james suddenly said, you could be happy about this.
why? i asked.
well at least i'm happy, he says, when people think i'm pretending to have my condition, when they say i'm faking it. i stopped sniffling and listened. "that means they think i'm better than i really am. they think i'm more ok than i am. so maybe i am more ok than i think i am.
"think about it that way," he said.
i heard a touching doggerel at a meeting monday & as i jogged the other night, it served as a quite-nice mantra:
"two inmates looked out from the prison window bars
one looked down & saw mud,
the other up & saw stars." all this stuff, once cynicism & arrogance have been mowed aside by Life, help to retrain the blackened mind... let's keep them coming.

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Monday, April 14, 2014

happy as a clam & full bulla

been playing piano all day. james asked me to practice his repertoire, so i'm finally up to bat, maybe, or at least in the box. yes, i've heard the songs so many, many times, my brain's filled w/them; i got the changes for the most part tho did need to review a few augmentations & not-as-standard turnarounds & will continue to practice cause it's a whole load of fun!... then he'll give a listen & suggest what kinds of parts he'd rather hear than others, like have me go here instead of there & so on... i'm so happy getting to pull out the piano licks i've heard over the many yrs, trying to make them fit w/the recordings. scott's guitar parts and james's harmonica & vocals already are in place, so i just gotta find my space & rather than clutter things up, augment what's already there. i feel pleased that the piano will add even more oomph! ... in practicing today, i'm glad that for decades my american music diet has been pretty clean. it's not fogged & filtered & f***ed up by sounds that came much later, sounds, i believe,  messed up melodically by psychedelics. that's long been my opinion -- around the time the beatles debuted,  melodies changed & got uglier as psychedelics hit the streets in a major way... i have a theory about the bakersfield sound, too: the original electrified "country" music of the late '50s to mid-60s was pricklier & faster than that coming out of nashville bc a lot of bakersfield honky-tonkers were not just working hard in the fields  & living in the hellish summer heat, which'd drive most anyone kinda nuts, but were on bop pills; the sound now coming from bakersfield is still hard-edged, tho now not honky-tonk but ugly rock & country-rock, to my ears, & similarly influenced by a population still suffering & sweltering as well as doing a lot of speed... and of course the melodies got uglier & less melodious & i blame hard drugs, yes i do.
anyways, these are just some of my theories. with that and $3, you can get a six-inch sub from subway.
here's the origin of the title of this post. don't you just love idioms? http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/as-happy-as-a-clam.html
well, off to the gym for me... may you be clam-happy but not crappy or even clammy...

Friday, April 11, 2014


 angie posted this delightful video on our facebook page & entitled it "james & jenny page." what a dream it would be to have this kind of fun in our old age! my sister is always kind & thoughtful... if this doesn't warm your heart, you have no pulse, i think, or maybe are an a**hole, possibly, but i'll bet not...

last week when i went w/dear donna to a pow-wow over at the beautiful claremont colleges, a wildly laughing bunch of ragamuffins ran in & provided such a happy moment as we cooled our heels in a kiva. one  child in particular stood out; she insisted that we take from her handfuls of cucumber seeds, & then:
Can I take your picture? I asked. Yes! she yelled, and jumped on the table. I am the leader of all the explorers! she announced, then jumped down, raised her little stick sword and, yelling as if going into battle, led all the children out into the garden.
i recounted this to mom & dad & they were so tickled, & then dad told a great story about a smart, sassy little kid he spoke w/when he & mama were volunteering recently, then i told them about a wonderful documentary james showed me, http://www.hbo.com/documentaries/i-can-be-president-a-kids-eye-view#/ & then we remembered art linkletter & i'm so grateful to've grown into a person who so loves so much about life's everyday wonders, like kids & animals, skies & mountains, the outdoors, flowers, digging in the yard, driving on open roads, etc... so glad to no longer be the smarmy know-it-all i was once, but i guess she got me to here, so thanks, younger jenny. you can rest now. no one hates you anymore. you did the best you could w/the uncomfortable combination you then had of excessive brain power, fear, arrogance, & considerable lack of experience & social skills. life is better now, even w/its hard times, so thanks for keeping the container alive in the face of all your mistakes & sufferings.

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

how shall we live today? change is the only constant.

saw a very compassionate & knowledgable person today who gave me good, kindly advice as well as a questionnaire to fill out (i already did it cause i am kind of ocd) & then gifted me with a book this elderly man had written. i read a few pages and realized how vastly a person can change, not just in circumstance, but in character, when launched into & making true commitment to sobriety, be it emotional or from a physical addiction or addictive process... wow! this fellow had quite a hard, sad, even disturbing growing-up & adulthood, yet today sat there & gave me wise, kindly, polite, attentive witness during our session. he seems to have been transformed from his old ways of pain & suffering & was able to devote full attention to the moment, undistracted by any fear of the future or regret of the past...
i hope i can continue to grow up. the goal is to stay child-like, but be rid of childishness.
i know i am not a zen master nor ever will be a great spiritual leader -- not that i wish to be such. i do much better being part of a machine, particularly a well-oiled, well-functioning one. for instance, i loved being in the teachers' union, but resisted being groomed to "move up." i love being in meetings & soaking it up; i don't have to be in charge, nor should i try. 12 steppers are supposed to be democratic (not in the political sense, tho, y'know, since there are no affiliations of such in true 12 step recovery), & anyone who tries to take over or pontificate is violating that generous tradition. i love fronting a band, but i've also loved being part of the engine, supporting the front person. i know that will be my future as my physical body ages & my piano chops improve; it's quite an appealing dream...
 i just want to grow. as mud, who died w/52 yrs' sobriety in bakersfield/oildale, used to say, "keep me green so i may grow."
another: "i gotta grow or i gotta go."
man, i know "all that stuff" is just an arm's length away... i do NOT wanna go!
our neighbors suffered a terrible tragedy the other night, likely due at least indirectly to drugs/alcohol. i hate to say had i lived 80-90 yrs ago, i might've been a prohibitionist. i know i'm not supposed to vilify the institution of intoxication, but i can't seem to help it, more & more: too many of us humans, just wanting relief from pain, to be part of the herd, or to have fun, step, then stumble over the invisible line & ruin not just our own lives, but the lives of all who love us. yes, so much what-i-see-to-be unnecessary evil appears to stem from the seemingly basic desire to transcend & feel thrill... it's a sacred instinct, is what i think, that gets violated by the lure of booze, dope, bad habit, & other external, false gods... i am not giving up. i know i have that god-feeling within, w/o trying to induce it via poisons, be they substances or ideas from seemingly-innocuous to putrid & vile...
given that change is the only constant, that insanity is doing the same thing & expecting different results, that we only can control what lies within our own hula hoops, how shall we live today? shakyamuni buddha said/wrote we are here to live with ease & comfort; i like the idea, but all know also that "into each life, some rain must fall" etc. etc.
don't you wanna live, not merely exist? i do.
either way, it all won't last long....

Sunday, April 06, 2014

show 'em yer guns, baby

i had a really nice time yesterday doing some recovery stuff as well as visiting my dear friend & then driving through the night to catch my husband's triumphant return to the eldorado in LBC w/nice people spilling out the doors dancing & having a great time, but rather than go into all that, i'm gonna post this cause we worked on it today... and it's long but quite representative of what it can be like around here :)

Thursday, April 03, 2014

Bird Playing With Dog

i was so sincerely touched by the kind people who showed up last night to watch me play. it was fun to play again w/the blues express. james looked so very handsome in his all-black suit. and this video will bring you a smile, if you have any pulse at all.