james arthur page sr., age 58; neeli, rip; sicksicksicksick, so often sick

my cuckoo, my fine man, was sick on his bd at his bd show in long beach, so i ended up singing a lot more than i wanted to (ppl had come to see james, not me) & we tried our best without hurricane james at the helm. there were many ppl; the place was packed. the photos are me earlier that day trying to see the rip in my fishnets (i lifted the wrong leg) & watching james run out of the room in his bd suit. i post the pix bc am continually shocked, throughout this life, when i see images of me that resemble a "normal" woman instead of what the sworling maelstrom in my mind, in those darkest moments, thinks i be... james is better today & off to another show, & i have been very ill. this is the second day i have missed work... my dear boss complains of ppl being absent on weds, when we have staff mtgs, but i am barred from today's. i tried to get someone to call me so i could listen in, but she said no. i know that i tried, & my side of the street is swept, but just hope colleagues fill me in so i'm not totally out of the loop, as so often i be.... found out i have a new student. i called her mother to apologize for my absences; the young woman replied, gallantly, "it's more important that you get well! she'll be ok! take tomorrow off, too!" it sounds like the child is gifted & has been bullied. am eager to meet her & help her. i remember my long-past life being young, gifted, & bullied. gifted or not, no child should feel afraid to go to school... i work in a petrie dish (public school), & the poor kids have been "dropping like flies," said boss corey. the latest something is a vicious one, a covid-variant, mebbe. mama said, you need to wear a mask!, & i fear that she is right!... an opportunity to change careers arose recently. it would allow me more time w/mom & dad, james, time to help teacher candidates go forth & serve students... but also to not get sick so often. historically it has been rough for me to work in schools with all the wee disease vectors swarming about. i love them, but my immune system doesn't... in sad news, one of my new college teachers, neeli cherkowski, passed "into the next realm" yesterday. he had been an acolyte of bukowski's in the '60s. a hirsute, chubby, brainy man from LA who ended up in SF & made his life there, he became that city's poet laureate one year. he resembled buddy hackett, poor man, but was beautiful in the way he spoke: about how all humans are the same, since humankind rose from the muck, all having the same brainpan as well as the needs for love, connectio, & meaning. that hit me, & it still does. "we're all red meat & white bone underneath," said carl lee perkins. rest in peace, dear teacher.

ps, the last pic is me & "AC," ebullient, fiery, forever-boyish blues express guitarist & friend of us both.