yardworkathon & geargeargear

we have 1/3 acre. in the days before james was here, that was A LOT of yard to do by myself!! with two, it's merely a large job. fire clearance citations start going out on june 1, and we are not gonna get one this time! :)
i just heard a crash downstairs. sometimes this place is like the house in you can't take it with you, in which the bros downstairs would build, invent, & often blow things up. it's a wonderful movie... we played a memorial day party yesterday for the hot rod trio, & aside from playing on wobbly grass, all went well except i never really woke up. yesterday was a super-sleepy day for me from top to bottom; james, too. my "new" amp is already ready for the crapper; it's blown out after only four shows, so i need to amp shop. oh, golden problems: what a wonderful predicalament.  the hot rod trio are a rockabilly act, together now over 20 years; james was in his first band w/HRT frontman buddy dughi, so there's the connection. both men also bear the same tattoo, which at that time james made everyone get or be kicked out of the band. ha! that's one of the funniest james stories, i think... buddy is a machinist by trade, so he helped james assemble my new stand, or stanzilla. i think it will last forever, with its hearty construction. :) some weeks back at shenanigans, the old stand went into critical mass failure mid-song, & no duck tape or bungee was gonna prolong its life. i finished the tune with one hand, holding the swaying stand with the other.
we both have to get new amps, too.
yesterday on the ride home, our pockets filled with gig monies, james got me a new amazon tablet for a good price. i don't know if i mentioned this, but while borrowing mine (w/o permission, i add), he somehow dropped it off the porch & down into a wheelbarrow filled with water (from melted snow), so that was adios to that one. in its place, i've had a lower-end product which hasn't really cut it, tho once again, i just realized, with the death of that last one two days ago (i dropped it; it was crappy; it died), i've again lost about 5-6 song ideas.
drat!
he's calling me; he's singing his version of a song i wrote years ago, "mysterious." i saw a list on this computer of songs that look like they're for a new album. yay!
james is many, many things, but prompt, he's not. if the album is getting closer, well, wow!
ok, back to yardwork now.

"holy sh*t! play it, baby!"

(a comment someone left about this awesome video, "capturing the spirit of the show," james said. i love when he steps so iconically & confidently into the frame. it just makes the whole video that much more bada** cool!!)
whiteboy james blues express at doheny by james elliott

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

marcie, me, donna.  so nice to see my dear friend & her sister.
one person asked if i'd put purple in my hair, another, silver!
my gray hair looks much grayer in daylight!

the busiest part of the past 10 days is over. thursday was shenanigan's, at which i found out i need a new amp; then saturday was doheny, which was over in a whirl! there were tons of people there. 75 feet behind us, an aging major music star was playing, loudly, so i was bent the whole time on trying to hear what we were doing. hi, donna & marcie! yay! they're here! easiest sound check ever, then whoosh! three songs pass... look up, daylight's turned to night. whoosh!! three more songs. i'm singing one. am i on the right notes? can't hear. whoosh! wow! look at james go! listen to anthony! blake & steve, smiling & pounding away. whoosh!! drunk women are climbing the stage, taking their clothes off!! james is insulting them!! whoosh, whoosh, anthony & james are playing & dancing on the table! whoosh, show's over, home. zzzzzzzzzzzz
ps, here is a really cool pic of willie lee "piano red" perryman & one of his line-ups. we listened to piano red all the way to get "stage manager" stan. what a joy! what romping, stomping songs! what beauty!

blablablablablablablabla

-last night i dreamed i called james, & my former mother-in-law answered. "i've been wondering when you were going to call me," she drawled accusingly. my heart lept into my throat w/panic & i hit the end button.
-i woke up with a start.
-this woman has been gone now several yrs, so i guess that part of my subconscious just purged.
- come see us tomorrow at shenanigans, if you'll be in the long beach, ca, usa, shoreline village area. we'll be on 7-11 pm. admission is free, it's all ages, & parking is only nine thousand dollars. unless you park at the next lot over, & then it's free.
-testing is nearly over. i told mom & dad how well my "low" class has been doing, really buckling down,  & dad sighed, "i'm always moved by how much there is to admire about children." i told them that i'm proud of them for trying so hard, the little dickenses, so i'll add dad's line to the reassuring patter...
-tomorrow before the show, james'll come to school to do marching & boot camp with the kids. being the most loud & verbally gifted person i've ever met, he of course used to lead his company (or whatever it's called) when it was time to call cadence. this was in the army some years back.
-i've been telling the kids about james a lot, like i used to do with mom & dad when they'd come visit school (easier for them when we all lived in the same town). the other day, we watched the blizzcon video he did for starcraft 2 video game. three or four who knew that old game gasped! i've told him he was in the army, a boxer, a freight-hopper... kids see through & know the real heart of a person. to them, james is a super hero, the dark knight, mister awesome.
-"is he gonna CUSS?" the boys asked excitedly...
-"oh, i dunno," i answer skeptically; "he could drop the 'f' bomb..."
-"yeah!" they yell. "mister page is COOL!!"
-"but probably not," i finish. "he's intelligent, so y'know that means he adjusts his behavior & speech around different people. like, you know, how you boys talk different to me than when you're around your buddies."
-"yeah," they chuckle, their smartness reinforced, "when we're around just the guys, we talk different."

happy mama's day!!!!! & various "allures"

yaayyyy!!! we had a very nice day with mama in bakersfield: chicken, beans, rice, ice cream cake, then i slept next to james on living room floor under piles of blankets while dad, mama, angie, maddy, doug, & james all watched one of the latest star wars movies on the apple tv thingy... we got home at 4:30 am from last night's gig because someone kept having to go #1 & we also had to return scott lambert's pa head & we also had 3 am breakfast in wilmington along an industrial strip at an all-night diner, spire's, advertising itself to be, in quiet early-morn neon, "the pinnacle of eating." the  friendly signage allured [sic] like a beacon at that hour of night...
ok, i just registered for the 50th bd half-marathon i'll do in long beach, so think we're gonna watch a little tv before my bedtime. this has been a super-busy week & weekend, with underwhelming dana point overnight school field trip; school carnival (james helped so tremendously, in mary pritchard's straw hat, his spectator "clown shoes," burgundy tux coat, & his friendly-scary-demented-charismatic shtick, playing "guess your weight" so humorously & broadly, drawing ticket-givers & wide-eyed kids like bees to honey)... then was last night's shenanigan's show, which went off like gangbusters.
at many points last night, we were cooking so hard, james & i'd just look at each other  from across the "stage" with grimacing smiles & just yell "yaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!" we are so different in so many ways, but in some, like being gutbucket visceral performers, we really, really sync... krystal took these awesome shots: thank you so much!!!

aaaaaaahhhh!!!!

pingponging around online, just made mistake of looking up my old "junk" email to see what would come up on google. pix of me "young"! aaaahh!!! didn't need to see that! me slim, in tiny skirts, no wrinkles, no bloating (tho of course at that time i thought i was fat & looked like a man)! drat! curiously, my "young" years were pretty chronologically old: 35 to early 40s... anyways, i had a wild life back then, i now realize. i was happy, however, that amongst the shots was a collage i made of dear friend stacy, who took her life many years ago, as well as elements of my old life i DO want to remember, for tho we're no longer married, my 1st husband was a good man, & we had travels & wonderful dog children... anyways, i type quickly to post about show tonight at shenanigan's, shoreline village, long beach ca, 8 pm-midnight.  poster is attached to this post... james will kill, like he most-always does, & he listed me on poster he made as "special guest." wow! damn postermywalls... they watermark now "free" download version of poster. i realized too late, this time, a way around that, but we decided to just run with it this way for time's sake.. the pic is dramatic, but haunts me: that was the first time out in public for james & i, july 4 2012, & he was very ill, which we didn't know at that time... things are so much better health- & life-wise for us both now! :D
just mapped out a near-5k up in the hills around the house: to the water tower, back down, up west end road, around the tree., then the fast rocky descent back to the house.. gonna get my shoes on & go. have decided for my half-century bd i will do a half-marathon, since i did my 1st one at age 40... been reading about how much running increases something called "compression of morbidity," which means the amount of years you can live healthily (able to dress self, make own meals) before death. ideally, one lives fairly mobilely to age 90 or so, then goes peacefully in sleep... our family friend don, ww2 vet, james's combat-vet buddy, dad's close friend, age 92, will likely experience that departure. i hope the same for me & all my loved ones, tho very few of us actually exercise enough to meet that fate, likely... and i drink too much diet soda, which means exercise all i want, but i'll likely get dementia unless i stop... anyways, gonna go potty then shoe up to head out. lotsa coffee this a.m.; maybe that will curtail possibility of dementia...
next weekend: doheny blues fest! this week: standardized testing at school, thursday night show at shenanigans for combo... this month is killer busy for me. i have my sights set on the outcome, last day of school. after that, summer! the busy times drop off! music & travel, one month away. yayy!!
hope to see you tonight, if you read this & will be near long beach.

i don't float.

good heavens, this sinus headache is a horror... please abate, please go way, please be flattened by the otc i just took; wow -- what pain: reminds me of when i lived in bakersfield (blablabla)... tomorrow i go on an overnight field trip to the ocean institute with our students. three hours on the school bus through my least favorite part of the western world, orange county, then i sleep on the floor because we have so many parent volunteers (which is nice... except i SLEEP ON THE FLOOR!!)... then back on the school bus... aaaaaaaaahhH!!!!! AAAHAHAHAHAHHH!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!
but seriously, i'm sure i'll experience moments of enjoyment amongst the cat herding & lion taming that make up a lot of my work. plus it's supposed to be a rilly neat place to visit.
i hope my pledge of "in loco parentis" will not be tested by some of our more wingnutty darlings, tho. one in particular, i love him, but i braced myself as if it were happening, picturing his mad little spaced-out face & imagining him impulsively jumping off the boat into the ocean, then me dutifully following him, for i must, i must, i must do all i can to keep them kids safe, & i will, even if i die in the process....
running is going well with my teacher bud christy.  my hamstring injury is healing. the other day i did my own informal 5k in bakersfield, & it was super enjoyable! the skies were huge! i got into the groove. so fun to run again!! after running today, i got to have a "farewell" dinner w/james (since we'll be apart for a whole two days). at this particular restaurant, THREE of the waitresses are parents of students i have. i chatted with them all about their kids & assured them i will keep all safe. (and i WILL. just please, great pumpkin, let the group behave!!) one particularly earnest, chatty, & friendly mother, with whom i always talk at great length about her handsome son, sweetly comped us our dinner. wow! ... ah, headache is lessening; thank you, universe that my small mind must personify...

james finally came in the room (he's been cleaning up his mud room, a major chore, & you should see it! he has a million projects going! so creative & kooky & inspired is james...) so i'm gonna stop. just wanted to post these pix from dad's birthday in bakersfield the other day. dad passed out lyric sheets to "king of the road," "franky & johnny" (all 10 verses), & "hello ma baby" &, as i plunked piano, all sang. james stood alongside dad & mama, & it's been a great many moons since i've seen our dad smile so large.... james is a real blessing to me & the family. :)

sadsadsadsadsad, waah! waah! waaah!

- so sad. so so so so sad!!! hate feeling this way. hate feeling like i'm on the outside looking in!! this is how i spent most of my life til i started drinking. then i was filled with liquid courage & a feeling of being better than everyone, tho secretly i knew i was much much worse.
- i've been vetting my blog of gross people i've known, & saw how after my first marriage ended, i went into an extended nervous breakdown, carrying on, (mostly) working, but nearly out of my mind with grief, guilt-driven mania, & sadness. the guy i was seeing had really convinced me i was crazy & inherently wrong. i believed it!! that was evil behavior, just evil.
- i'm emotional, not crazy. but dang it, i've always been so sensitive. mama always has told me to toughen up... it's never happened!! still get my feelings hurt so deeply. i hate it!!
- this morn after yoga i picked us up a box from the post office. it contained two fisher-price toys: james's was a see'n'say; he pulled its string & it began to spin: "the cow says moo!" we both smiled, then he rolled over & went back to sleep. mine? my favorite babyhood toy, the music-box record player. you activated it by turning the yellow plastic crank, then sliding the chunky arm on to the colorful plastic record disc, which bore raised rectangular grooves. you turned it off with a plastic toggle on top of the player, storing the multi-colored "records" in a slot (they always fell out & i remember them laying amongst all the toys on the floor in our room). this set-up was all so much more charming than the everyday battery operation the little device now relies upon. however, i desperately wanted to hear it, so james got me a tiny screwdriver & i inserted batteries. the little song started to play, & i couldn't help it: i burst into tears. i hadn't heard those little songs in at least 45 years! the sense memory that poured out was accompanied by no details. i just suddenly felt  overwhelmingly sad, confused, & joyful. maybe hearing those songs took me back to the emotions i felt as a baby!
- was supposed to have an event today for the kids at fort tejon. cancelled it. james said, "look at the weather. you need to cancel!" and i did! i shouldn't have. i thought i was going to have a full evening; that influenced me cancelling. then it never rained!! and now i'm not having a full evening!! i feel guilty. i should've been there for the kids. most all of them weren't going to be there, but mama said i should be there for the ones that would. and i didn't. and now i'm home. i feel like a failure, like i let them down, even tho everyone i called sounded not one bit disappointed or surprised. the weather had turned bad... but it never rained. i feel like an idiot. :(
- tonight's anthony's birthday. i love anthony!! tonight the band has a super-fun show. here i am at home. james & i had a misunderstanding & i got my feelings hurt. not a fight, no marriage troubles, we have been getting along very well... but we had talked about tonight. he didn't remember. and i cancelled my school event.. and now i'm home... i could've gone anyway, but too many baby feelings welled up: frustration, sadness, so sad, so frustrated, waawaaawaaa!
- no one to blame but myself.
- a rabbit just hopped down a game trail across the arroyo. this morn when i woke, i saw more animals than ever out the beautiful window: flocks of birds streaming north; two chestnut-black-&-white chipmunks, so cute, jumping here & there; a dumb-looking little gopher scooting earth out in toothy mouthfuls as he burrowed; a lovely rabbit loping along, stopping to nibble grass; then the quail!, the lookout male, regal & funny & beautiful, keeping a watch as the covey waddled through the backyard.... a little cat has appeared. he is as sweetly friendly as peewee is antisocial. peewee, saved by james when pee was only about a week old, never has been socialized in feline ways. this little cat is different, so lovable, even needy, in a "normal" cat way. we named him peeps due to his squeaky mew. so there is much animal life around here for which to be grateful.
- this past week was teacher appreciation week, so two of our  high-power teachers spearheaded a really nice daily thank-you for us all, decorating the lounge, nice treats daily, friday, a taco bar & "awards" for us all (their students colored them). the awards i received were these: cheesy jokes award; stageworthy award (for encouraging students to be ready to be in the spotlight); and (my favorite) lights up the room award. i am thankful for these kind recognitions. they remind me that i am appreciated, even loved, at my school. and damn me for cancelling today's event at fort tejon... there's not much i can do now except not wallow. and next time, just do it.
- james just called near tears. "i'm so sorry," he said, "now i remember us talking about you playing tonight. please forgive me." and i do. how can i not? i love him so much.
- tomorrow is dad's birthday. he wants us all to "sing songs." i have a plant for him, too. it's nearly perished under my care, but i know dad will make it grow lush & happy.
- i will read. i will rest. someday again i'll play lots of music, ike i used to in my "crazy" days.  i might not play as much as i used to, but i like the person i am better now, & that's much more important.
- have a fun evening, if you're still reading.