blablablablablablablabla

-last night i dreamed i called james, & my former mother-in-law answered. "i've been wondering when you were going to call me," she drawled accusingly. my heart lept into my throat w/panic & i hit the end button.
-i woke up with a start.
-this woman has been gone now several yrs, so i guess that part of my subconscious just purged.
- come see us tomorrow at shenanigans, if you'll be in the long beach, ca, usa, shoreline village area. we'll be on 7-11 pm. admission is free, it's all ages, & parking is only nine thousand dollars. unless you park at the next lot over, & then it's free.
-testing is nearly over. i told mom & dad how well my "low" class has been doing, really buckling down,  & dad sighed, "i'm always moved by how much there is to admire about children." i told them that i'm proud of them for trying so hard, the little dickenses, so i'll add dad's line to the reassuring patter...
-tomorrow before the show, james'll come to school to do marching & boot camp with the kids. being the most loud & verbally gifted person i've ever met, he of course used to lead his company (or whatever it's called) when it was time to call cadence. this was in the army some years back.
-i've been telling the kids about james a lot, like i used to do with mom & dad when they'd come visit school (easier for them when we all lived in the same town). the other day, we watched the blizzcon video he did for starcraft 2 video game. three or four who knew that old game gasped! i've told him he was in the army, a boxer, a freight-hopper... kids see through & know the real heart of a person. to them, james is a super hero, the dark knight, mister awesome.
-"is he gonna CUSS?" the boys asked excitedly...
-"oh, i dunno," i answer skeptically; "he could drop the 'f' bomb..."
-"yeah!" they yell. "mister page is COOL!!"
-"but probably not," i finish. "he's intelligent, so y'know that means he adjusts his behavior & speech around different people. like, you know, how you boys talk different to me than when you're around your buddies."
-"yeah," they chuckle, their smartness reinforced, "when we're around just the guys, we talk different."

bad dreams, sore back, bit of crumbcake

- i woke this morning to a stupid bad dream brought on, i'm sure, by pain from stupid hurt back & maybe that 1/4 bag of salt-&-pepper popcorn i ate last night while passing out to the smithsonian channel... reminded me of a very weird short film by winsor mccay (creator of little nemo in slumberland, so visually strange & brilliant, please, if you've never read or seen them, look them up -- not the animated movie, but the beautiful & bizarre strips by mccay!) -- the short is about a monster created from nightmare brought on by dyspepsia... let me see if i can find it...
- great jumping jehoshaphat! here it is! the internet is ever-astounding; so much for the hours, days, months, years of research it once took to locate a rare fact or eureka of information: here is that film, & hope you will watch it! dreams of the rarebit fiend... i spose in cases of more intense, high level, or arcane academic research, like the kind dad or alicia do, one still has to dig & dig & dig & maybe ever-dig to get answers that maybe never come... never give up, noble research nerds!! never surrender!!
- anyways, i'm just taking a break from yardwork cause tho i so love to be out in the clean air & breeze under the happy sunlight in the gigantic yard raking & hoeing & hacking & whacking & smacking (just kidding; little roy brown ref, you know), my back's been hurting, so have to measure my fuel expenditure so the engine doesn't crack... nothing much more except as i worked & enjoyed the breeze, pausing for a sec to look up & see someone from the fellowship drive by, look up, then keep driving w/o a flicker of recognition, i thought, it's almost like i'm in disguise when i'm not in makeup & a dress. then i thought of the other night at james's show when a nice man said, "i love your hair... but what do you call your makeup? is that goth?" his girlfriend slapped him lightly & laughed, "no, stupid, she's not GOTH!" and i mumbled something, & he reiterated, "but i really love your HAIR!" and when i had walked away, i remembered: bride of frankenstein.

oh, i wish i was an oscar meyer weiner, that is what i'd truly like to be, for if i were an oscar meyer weiner, everyone would be in love with me...

that was a test. if you knew that song, you are of A Certain Age. it taught all us kids at that time use of the subjunctive, even if we didn't know that's what it was called (& who needs to know nowadays, anyways? except that the subjunctive is the coolest of all tenses, i think!: the "what if?")... i was dreaming about being in a car with my family & james & a big, big wave was crashing over the car as we kept driving, probably related to beautiful surfing videos we watched in eatery yesterday when our conversation went frm hawaii to hell. then he & i were driving right to the edge of a deep, deep canyon & i was saying, "look, honey, look!" & we both were scared & vertiginous (i just wanna use that word!!), but we were gonna go down in that deep, deep canyon to see what we could see! then i was following exene into a bookstore... i didn't talk to her, but she was talking about honky-tonk music & then there i sat at a piano, playing some moon mullican... obviously i'm no lucid dreamer cause i only ever get snippets like i just wrote down, but the next thought is this: how DID a weenie like me marry such a tough man? that man is tough as nails, w/a mouth that'd make a sailor cry & the sometimes ferocious pugnacity of a fighter (which he was). but he's also sweet as a puppy. sincerely! i relate cause i'm either gidget/mary poppins or a blubbering lump of want-to-die. the moods shift like earthquakes, like tsunamis! yesterday, i just LOST IT! i was all alone, so i could really let it rip, let those demons fly! but from that particularly violent mental crash came sweet release & calm & then we had an afternoon & eve of total love & adventure... we headed out for a benefit/tribute up north, but had mechanical failure & our plans were dashed. we were disappointed, but mama said, you can only do what you can do, & you can't do everything... yes, i feel different today. do you ever need to really lose it to gain it back even stronger? a weenie's gotta get cooked & burst some before it's really good eating. i know that metaphor makes little sense, but james is real good at them, & i'm working on it by osmosis. ok, now that i'm ready to serve, time to go for a run. yes, this weenie likes to run. good day or eve, sir or ma'am.