imprinted

sebastian cabot as mister french. i loved mr french. our family
doctor was similarly large, rotund, with gigantic blue eyes
& friendly, comforting manner. despite that, he also scared me!

i was 20 yrs old on a train in europe when this good-looking white guy, older & square-looking,  started making eyes at me, so i walked with him to the back car (i had no boundaries) (i remember being at the very end of the train, outside the back door with the track rattling beneath & the cool air blowing, with this stranger!). turns out it wasn't hanky-panky he wanted, but for me to become a scientologist...

mister green jeans & captain kangaroo: round, silly comfort.
you could know you were safe with these people.

it made me think about the idea of engrams -- not jungian, but scientologian -- which unlike jung's are  negative & only removable via auditing or whatever those wingnuts call it. i might not have this right; i was talking with angie sister yesterday about her MA program in which she's currently reading jung.
i just was mooning & dreaming over pix of capybaras & wondering why animals like them or wombats or bears (the fatter the better) are so appealing to me & always have been, like, inherently.
why do we like what we like?
sick two weeks now; overdid it yesterday in the yard. building a dog run. so i'm stalling, on the blog...  these are images that i saw between infancy & age six that stuck inside me, that may have been uncanny due to their power upon me, or that maybe imprinted upon me... (for james, it was raquel welch in fantastic voyage as well as some other, more eccentric celebrity crushes...)

when depressed, i go dumb watching videos of innocent, round,
adorable caveys, which we  had as pets when i was a kid. capy-
baras, wombats, round-nosed, soft-gazed: who can't love them?

the gia family saw oliver! when angie & i were tiny,
say 3-5 years old. i wanted to be jack wild, who played
the wily, confident artful dodger, but oliver
reed as bill sykes has remained in my psyche
always: his handsome bulk & sinister glower
were so scary, but also troublingly exciting...

after this i gotta go to ace & get fencing. tomorrow's a class i anticipate, in bakersland: socratic circles. i'm just all over the place in this post.

we walked into bakersfield's tejon theatre & there was
john amos without a shirt1  i was six, but the broad 
muscularity of his chest stretched across the big screen has
been cemented in my mind ever since!

... so to blablabla a bit more, have you heard of a book called the old ways? it's a lunatic-fringe publication i read about in mother earth news, but w/some most-excellent & useful info, like how to make pain meds from backyard weeds... and last night i saw an odd, stunning movie called buster's mal heart featuring a pint-sized heartthrob version of michael shannon, a charming-creepy egyptian cutey named rami malek... i really liked the film, tho it disturbed me... so that's enough stalling... happy sunday.

no yoga!!! aaaaah!!!!... and cool photos

photo by casey reagan

thought yoga teacher debbie was still in costa rica, didn't go. she's here. aaaaaaahhhh!!! i missed awesome saturday morning yoga at the library!!!! crap!!!!
just added a new free yoga channel on roku, so guess will do that today. and "run." i put that in quotes bc my pace has become snail-like after reading the book the world at my feet, a boring book about an amazing accomplishment: aussie guy my age or beyond runs AROUND THE WORLD using "attrition running" method, which means slowwwww & steady, the way ancient humans used to wear out prey. our physiology reflects this basic purpose, from steadying tendon behind skull (so we don't head-bob like a chicken when ambulating) to gigantic gluteus maximus (shock absorber) to arch of foot (same). i've been sometimes running w/my cheerful science teacher friend christy, who noted my BP & resting heart rate will drop if i will run more.
I LOVE TO RUN!!! I NEED TO DO THIS FOR MY HEALTH & HAPPINESS!!!!
anyways, we didn't go see gene & phil yesterday. james has been sick w/cold. so here are pix from last wkend's shows, which both were really awesome except oildale people AGAIN stole from james (time-before-last, his t-shirts; this time, his harmonicas), so next visit to oildale will likely bring major ass-whuppin' upon some rat coward thieves & disrespecters... except for the top, these great pix are from kaykay & krystal. i feature more pix of me bc this is my blog. top pic of james is one that casey r photoed: james is one super-photogenic awesome stud of a frontman. :)
oh! and now i can say: he & band (he says including me) will play at this year's bayou blues festival AND doheny blues festival. :) whoo-hooo!!!
one more fest is pending. more later. time to go "run." :)

photo by kaykay jagger

photo by kaykay jagger

photo by krystal kozak

photo by kaykay jagger

photo by krystal kozak

photo by kaykay jagger

photo by krystal kozak

photo by krystal kozak

photo by krystal kozak

"forget it, jake. it's chinatown."

Marseilles isn't a city for tourists. There's nothing to see. Its beauty can't be photographed. It can only be shared. It's a place where you have to take sides, be passionately for or against. Only then can you see what there is to see. And you realize, too late, that you're in the middle of a tragedy. An ancient tragedy in which the hero is death. In Marseilles, even to lose you have to know how to fight.

Jean-Claude Izzo

i've been watching the netflix french potboiler marseille (a sleazy-fun view: dallas for francophiles), starring gerard depardieu, my favorite crazy actor. he might be a nut, but can he emote more with his nostril & small wince of porcine eye than can most any other actor? certainement! and his voice: i've fallen in love w/various males largely because of their pipes (well, & large frontal lobes). only twice did i have boyfriends (ha!) of uninteresting, even annoying vox, & each time it was fubar enormous... it's always fascinated me -- maybe you, too? -- great &/or gorgeous men who go to pot: orson welles, elvis, marlon brando, oliver reed, even: maybe being that spectacular is too much for the human flesh bag to contain. no one since brando has puffed up & weirded out quite like depardieu, i don't think, but yet he allures...

then there's the experience that resembles depardieu: something ugly in which one must root out beauty, like an easter egg or junk store jaunt or exploring abandoned places or doing seemingly unending research... these experiences can be so much more rewarding than the new & "perfect," in my opinion, when they reveal beauty/revelation/discovery. and that's why i always will love bakersfield, which long ago i realized is like a bad relationship, so often dissatisfying, disappointing, even heartbreaking, but the moments when it is beautiful shine brighter than sunlight because of their rarity.

james tells me most places are "bakersfields," like even the places i used to think "if only i were THERE..." i think he's right. i can't demonize bakersfield anymore: nearly every place is bakersfield. there IS that thing called the bell curve, yknow, which, while not applicable, i don't think, to racial or SES matters, IS pertinent in our human cultural world, which maddeningly seems to slide toward the mundane, even stupid.

oh heck, i forgot why i got on here. oh yeah; something beautiful in bakersfield: 

shhhhhnow!

- now i know why james's childhood friend lisa, a very successful reality-tv producer, opted NOT to  create a reality show based on james. i read this article in the NYer (my fave mag, yknow, cause i get free copies & can read & read & read for hours & hours, plus the cartoons are great). the article was about a female reality-tv producer, likely someone lisa knows bc the article's subject was a co-producer on one of lisa's shows, the bachelorette. the business sounds soul-sucking, requiring one to resort to calculating, brutal, immoral tactics. lisa said at the time, i can't subject james to that. the article's subject (no, i don't remember her name) eventually quit & produced a parody of the reality-tv biz, the name of which i can't remember, either. ah-so.
this comes up bc this pic came from the cartoon part of the "pitch" i created for lisa for james's prospective show. i used the image for tomorrow's music show at shenanigan's.
- we celebrated an anniversary, kind of, on jan 8, what would've been elvis's 85th birthday. jan 8 2010 was the first time i saw james in the flesh. he remembers me as having birds & flowers tweeting & flying around my head, like snow white, he says, & an entourage of guys flocking around me, he likes to say. and that's the eve he told his former guitar player, "i'm gonna marry that girl." wow! i remember a tough-looking boy-man with large forehead & determined, fixed gaze who tho bald & obviously middle-aged was boisterously friendly & cute as a big kid. then he kept laying kisses on me, & tho wet, they were very romantic, not lecherous. i'd never had anyone do that! i was wobbling, confused, seeing stars as my former guitar player & i got in his car to drive off & he said, "i think someone LIIIKES you!" here are some pix from jan 8 2017, in front of the gias' beautiful door, & one from later that day at o'henning's in bakersfield/ oildale, where james played some & i got up to sing one w/him. we'll be there this sunday, too, to support kaykay, after saturday's show at shenanigan's, where i'll be bass for the day. with steve at his place in hawaii right now, i'm looking fwd to seeing little anthony & playing some music. old fart who don't like me, be danged. ha!
ok, so to be more linear, here's where we'll be:
-fri, snowed in, no blasters show in ventura
-sat, shenanigan's, LBC, 2-6 pm
-sun, o'hennings, oildale/bakersfield, kaykay jagger benefit, 3 pm

the snow is doing 100 different dances outside,  & here is what i posted on facebook. bye for now. :)

Snow day! Originally we were on 2 hr school delay, & in a moment of miracle, our bad cat sat in my lap (only the 2nd time he's done this) & went to sleep as I drank my morn coffee & admired the (then) light snowfall. Now it's really coming down: lovely! Yesterday at school, the kids were lunatics toward end of day!! What is going on with you guys?!? I implored. We're gonna have a snow day tomorrow!! they cheered. How can you tell? I said. We just know! the little barometers cried. But the snow bunnies! they whined. We don't want them to come up here! They make a mess & we cant go anywhere!! Yes, on NY Day, get this: an estimated 168,000 people came up to this mountain to see the snow. 168,000!!!! The entire greater mtn population is less than 15,000! In attempt to better regulate things, signs coming up the mountain now read Chains Required & 2 Hours to Snow Play. It was taking 2 to 4 hours on NY to drive 15 miles! Tons & tons of garbage, too, were left by the roadsides. I hope this time will be better! 

molto transpirations & mental emissions

1) a great show you shouldn't miss if you're nearby!

1) here's the first, a show just added for thursday with some of our favorite friends in taft, ca. if you're nearby, stop by!
2) next is this terrific photo of mister handsome from line nine blues review, the fellows who host the thursday blues shows at cirivello's in LBC where james played his 50th bd show. tho the pic's on facebook already, i place it here bc it's such a good shot of dashing james, also featuring my friends steve & antknee. :) whether it's blake or lambert or anyone else on bass, i'm happy since all the bassists i've met of james's have been good fellows.
lastly, i went to the video store here (yes! we have one! an advantage of living in a dinky town) & i just commented that i was thirsty & the nice owner tammy gave me a bottle of water! as i left, the heavyset owner of the local yummylicious pizza parlor waved hello. i love this little town! but then as i drove by our 2nd driveway (our property is long and has two), my heart sank.

this small creature was on the far driveway when I got home. it didn't appear to have been hit by car or injured & still had grass blades in its mouth. I moved the beautiful animal to the mound in our yard & decorated the funeral area. this pic is so I can remember how pretty it is right now in deathly repose, before it returns to the earth. jny

2) he's just so dang handsome... wow!

3) requiescat en pace, bellus lupus.

reflection...

life is short. and horrible. or beautiful. or something in the middle, the wide, wide middle. and one extreme can veer to the other, depending on the split of your pendulum's walnut. like my good-starting life went horrible for years, then beautiful, then horrible, then back again cause my walnut's kinda cracked. seems to've stabilized somewhat in past years, knock wood...
just feeling reflective (not like a bicycle reflector or a disco bulb or a wading pool, as lightning-minded james would maybe quip...)
james's friend, musician joe houston, recently passed on, & also a few wks back the world lost bakersfield sound pioneer red simpson, who lived to the ripe age of 81. tough for musicians to make it to their 80s, i think, w/the wearying lifestyle of weird hours, smoky places, booze, pep & other substances, crappy pay for most, stress & violence, promoters & club owners, & lonely, lonely

mr handsome, tony lopez & some gray-haired woman

nights. the exhilaration & godly embrace of stage time's mighty brief compared to all the other hours in the day... loved ones save. red & joyce had many, many -- true, deep, forever friends & loved ones, like james does, not just hangers-on & glad-handers, of which there've been & will be many.
rest in peace, joe houston as well as red "suitcase" simpson, a decent man, prolific songwriter, friend to so many, & hard-working musician til the end.
i worked at a different library in the south valley yesterday, a gladdening time. it's not a fancy library like the one on the mountain, but has more volumes, & i got to do lots of heart-warming & soul-bolstering librarian tasks with patrons & rub elbows with cute little latte-colored black-haired tykes & hushed but earnest parents. i love that part of library work best, the helping humans part, information-seeking 2nd. my spanish will get much better at this position, & i'm happy now to get to both play music & work in these knowledge repositories, bolstering literacy & community & safety...
we've had some gigs lately, me & james along with tony lopez on drums, & especially taft -- TAFT!, the once-sundown town i used to be skeerd of! (as late as in my teenaged yrs, i seriously thought me & mama might get hanged if we went there) -- has the warmest, friendliest folks. like i felt when i lived in backwardsville, many of the ppl of taft feel they have to apologize for their down-home town, but there's a lot of good going on there as well as the dumbness &/or violence, which everyplace has... a few wks back we drove out to taft college so i could talk to its english dept staff about online teaching & i discovered taft college recently was rated #5 in the CCC system! that's a huge WOW!
i hear sleepyhead stirring in the other room, so i'll sign off now except to say i hope joyce simpson will have comfort & peace in these first weeks w/o her beloved husband. extra prayers for my friend candice, the widely-admired & adored "toughest woman alive," & my wild aunty rita, who just won't take care of herself, but we all love her anyways... & reflecting on ppl i've known who are ill or just wondering how they are these days... may all be well. (except you. yes, you.) :)

an important message...

(EXCESSIVE EXCLAMATION POINTS AHEAD)
if you're reading this, you are alive. stay that way!!! it ain't gonna last forever!!  life might not have gone or be going how you wish it would, but know you have a reason to be here. what is it? i don't know: i'm not you!!! -- probably something to do with helping other living creatures!!
our meeting tonight was about the difficulty of living in the middle. so many of us "first world" human folks have trouble just living. not only is our commodity culture immoral & corrupt, built to make us all feel bad if not on the treadmill of consumption, but not everyday's fireworks! or a parade! or lollipops & laughter! or hahaha, lalala!
things don't always go my way or yours!!
it's not so bad to sit in the modest, humble, homely middle way. most of life is like that, in fact. it's ok to be ok. i don't have to be either exceptional or a piece of dogsh*t. i don't have to act like a teenager or try to cling to immature dramatics. most hues in the palette of creation aren't black or white. the prudent way is to get to "the middle of the herd," as steve c used to say. the other elephants can't hold me up when i'm low if i'm out at the edge or off by myself. "no man is an island." etc etc etc etc etc. blablablablabla. you get da picktcha.
go forward & live.

mama mia, papa pia, potato chip

just saw this dazzling pic that kaykay posted of james, to which i commented he was the handsomest man i've ever seen, then joked in postcript, "except for johnny weissmuller." so then i had to look up weissmuller on google &... good gravy!!!!

the weissmuller shots (below) are such obvious beefcake, but some people like me are obvious in what twists their twinkie, as cousin tushi would say (another of her exclamations comprises the title of this post). dad & mom are the same way: he, always so gentlemanly, has only ever commented (politely) on women's physical appearance when they are as beautifully, intoxicatingly shapely as, say, dark-eyed sophia loren; mama's favorite has long-been big manly sean connery... me & james have had talks about the 1st time we felt "funny" seeing a celeb. i've known men who were most thrilled physically by women who looked more like teenagers or even were childlike (yeccch), or feminine caricatures, like bette davis, who really were more like drag queens or had masculine characteristics, but my husband & i have always been attracted, really attracted, by strapping uber-men (me) & -women (him), hunky (me) & healthily curvaceous (him) endomorphs, their visages maybe displaying high testosterone & estrogen levels. he recalls his first realization that there was something special about the female specie the first time he viewed raquel welch, in 10, 000 BC. good heavens! that must be one of the top-10 ultra-toned beautiful-bombshell images ever recorded! for me, it was walking into the tejon theatre in bakersfield & being stopped in my tracks by the sight of john amos (yes, good times 70s tv-dad john amos) shirtless in the world's greatest athlete: the strong chin, wide forehead, handsome, masculine face, & broad broad chest clicked something on in my 7-year old being.

- there's nothing wrong with androgyny or any other legal physical attraction (we're not fatty-haters, & if you are, go suck an egg). why write about this? well, it's my damn blablablog.

anyways, this is what i think about on this wintry day, the 1st snow having nestled the mountain these early morning hours. the house is quiet & calm & we had coffee, pyrenee's rolls from bakersfield, provolone & meats from generous mama, lingonberry jam, & now he's retired to rest & i'm on to reading in a few... he said this early morn he was out watching the sunrise & falling snow & cavorting wildlife & laughed happily, "this is my HOME!" i feel that way so often... no high-paying career would take the place of the simple & pretty life of today. to repeat thoreau for the 100th time, "that man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest."

anyways, back to my mundane, everyday, but fun-to-consider-for-the-moment topic, the pics here  give me that john amos feeling (tho the one of james additionally stirs my heart with many other kinds of love, which is what happens in marriage, as love deepens & broadens), & also remind me of the 1st time i saw my husband sans-shirt. that image will never be posted here or anyplace else, but i'll say, just to be polite, oh my, hubba hubba, mama mia, papa pia, potato chip.

shallow talk & for your consideration...

i think we'll always be photogenic, being a coupla real characters! james is my movie star, my hero, my friend, my love! he gets more handsome all the time, i know & believe. as for me, don't know how long my looks will last...
intellectually, i know & appreciate beauty & "cute" come from within... immaturely, i know & sort of lament that i'm no longer the girlish waif i was when james & i met! (my slimmer figure, however, i must remember was due to the desperate & rattled & unhinged & manic state i lived in during that time as well as the lot more jogging i did while in bakersfield with its lovely jogging/bike path!) yes, i miss my relative-to-now skinniness, but i know i'd rather be chubbier, older, centered, & much much happier these days! :D since i stopped dying my hair last year, too, i'm no longer mistaken for a younger person, which always was scary & creepy to me... i'm so fortunate that james is not creepy that way, desiring youth in the unsavory, even deviant manner of some... yeccccch!!!! i used to play music with a nice man with a nice wife (tho politically we were far opposites) & when he expressed lecherous feelings for a famous young female singer, i said, "isn't she the same age is YOUR STEPDAUGHTER???" he just shrugged & said, "yeah, so what?"
yeeeecccccccccccccchhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! blllleghhgggghgghghg!!!! anyways...
just ordered some vibram 5-fingers off ebay... can't wait! that will be fun, to finally try some out... natural running, here we come! :D
be sure to read the code book by simon singh as well as watch the lovely 1990 flick green card, one of my faves, which we viewed together the other night, transforming a listless evening into a warm & romantic one. (i really liked chappie last night, too as well as the doc lost souls.) right now i'm reading from our library (interlibrary loans are the best!) the life of christ by papini (1923 edition!), the urban homestead, & island of dr moreau by h.g. wells. if you are bored today, go to the public library! go for a walk or run or hike! sing a song! watch a movie! call or visit your loved ones! contemplate the sky & nature & how lucky we all are to be alive! that reminds me: please, please read this highly worthwhile piece by recently departed oliver sacks, r.i.p.: sabbath ... it builds nicely, then the last lines, BOOM! it really got me, to sound holden caufieldish.
 time for more coffee. have a lovely juan! that is all for now. over & out.

blablblablablablablablablablablabla

i learned the other night that hotdogs are made up of 25% total mystery "meat". yes, 1/4 of the ingredients in american brats don't have to be reported at all!! yech. offal!!! then i learned two celebs i really like, andrew zimmern of bizarre foods & dave attell of foul-mouthed drunk humor, don't drink anymore, tho i don't know if either are "one of us" ("gooba-gooble, gooba-gobble") (i wonder if anyone will get that reference?) (who cares...) it's inspiring to learn people in the public eye whom i already kinda like & admire for their irreverence & decency could be "one of us"...
just drank too much coffee while editing dad's latest history article (dad's page). people from the bakersfield paper have been trolling dad's articles & siphoning off, not always attributing him. fyi, you supposed "reporters," that is called plagiarism!!! but dad's such a gent, he doesn't say much. HEEEE knows he's doing the original rooting out of story, not the rats that take from him... anyways, dad researches history cause he loves it so, which is why we do things: out of love, not for glory. cause we must!!
that reminds me that i just read about someone who seemingly does everything for greedy, selfish "glory," the billionaire dipsh*t donald *rump, whose asinine comments about veterans, hispanics, other repub presidentio contendores pretty much ensures that eventually someone's gonna kick his butt, or at least slap the wig off his head. can't wait!! hahahahahahah!!!!
well, that's about it except for a million other things... james has a show tonight in smellayland, & that should be big fun! oh, and the storm dumped 3.45 inches of rain over 2 days last week. whew! oh, and i'm reading about 50 different things right now, and oh well, that's about it...have a gneiss wan.

Big head & big head all sweaty after musically slamming the crap out of the place.

very excited very excited very excited very excited!!!

so much fun coming up... have to take a break from computer bc am getting too manic thinking about it all.

"whiteboy" james page photographed by jenny page (shpoush)

this week: a consolidating, positive change that also will save us moolah. after that, freedom! freedom! freedom & music! (and peewee...) don't mean to be coy or covert here, but shouldn't write about specifics til they're over &/or on so i don't jinx anything... but am so thrilled, must mention a bit that good things are afoot! yes, invigorating, pleasing, adventurous things are afoot for james & me, & we'll share that spirit w/others, to be sho!!

if i stay this mellow & happy...

- i will turn into dad. or a monk. or a guru. or something from pixar or disney.
or... just a happy human. i'm so grateful. :)
- i thought we had a lot of crap when we moved, but after 26 years? mom & dad, in process of moving, have waaaaaaaaaaay more crap! :D their new house is beautiful! they deserve it, too. we were poor growing up! their scrimping & saving & sacrificing has paid off in the comfortable, secure life they have now & so generously share! talk about good people... even if they weren't our parents! this world really is filled w/so, so many good, great humans, even if the focus too much is on bad, crappy, horrid, stupid ones... seek out the good!
- so anyways, we just filled up another trailerload & truckload, & i'm again so grateful to have the green hornet, my ugly reliable old faithful! (when i met james, he drove the mach 5 & i drove the green hornet & the blue demon -- which since has died, but still is super ugly-cute, sitting on the driveway waiting to be brought back to life. i thought it was funny we both named our cars after cartoons! technically, blue demon is a luchador, but  certainly those brawny masked fighters are cartoonish!) now we're gonna nap for a while before delivering this load. the new house is surrounded by hills to jog in & explore & from the house, you can view the elementary school playground. "i can go over & read to the kids once a week," mama said, smiling, & i added, "& when you're 90, mama, they can send kids over to walk with you to class!" what a nice thought. :) dad finally is ditching his arch-nemesis, the swimming pool, in favor of a spanish-style courtyard w/lovely fountain. he plans to plant xeriscape & even is taking a class. college at 73: i'm inspired! meanwhile, we've gotten lots & lots of good stuff from this move that will make our house not just prettier, but much, much more comfy... all are muy satisfecho.
- can't wait to finish helping here, then get home to thin out the house & yard so it doesn't look quite so much like sanford & son! it'll be a busy week back & forth helping the final days of the move, then next weekend, a fun event, a big music fest where james & i get to have a booth. i think whomever in that roots-punk-american music scene don't know of james will go ape over him: the modern man of a 1000 faces! i hope we can cobble some cool junk to sell & hear some great music... weekend after that's the kernville music fest; james & blues express play two times on saturday! i hope we sell 1,000,000 t-shirts this month!
- well, naptime for me... glücklick sonntag!

i am so disappointed.... whinewhinewhine blablablablablablablablabla

how disappointed?
i am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo disappointed. and dumbfounded. and confused. and offended. and nervous, whereas before i felt happy, even hopeful and content.
i also feel somewhat heartbroken. and angry, tho that's hard to admit.
this, too, shall pass.
the only constant is change.
tonight over dinner, aunty rita, on a different topic, summed it up (the topic had been someone who has been judgmental): "he oughta look in a mirror."
"let he who is without sin cast the first stone." that's sure true. and you're certainly casting a stone my way if you dug around for one to begin with. as my husband would say, "KNOW THAT."
so on to nice things: the house in the mountains is getting all cleaned up to make room for future permanent residence for two; i did hours of much-needed yardwork today (i love doing yardwork! the sun beamed down so beautifully! the air was so crisp, so fresh! somehow, the rosemary lives on!); skinny the cat showed up & was her old, friendly self, bumping & bustling about, more canine than feline, i think; i dropped belated, appreciated yuletide gifts to a happy friend bursting w/good news; i was greeted here at the family home & had that warm, christmas-carolish feeling i get sometimes when here, like there's never too much love or good cheer or warm-hearted generosity of spirit.. & now i'm swathed in borrowed bundlery (is that a word? who cares) in a loving household of which i'm lucky to be a part."you're a good egg," said brother-in-law doug (who'd certainly know cause he's one big ole good egg, for sure) over delicious mama-cooked-with-love dinner of enchiladas, chile relleno casserole, beans, rice, salad, "in a family of good eggs..."
yes, everyone in this family is welcomed to take part in the good eggery. better good than rotten. that just seems obvious, doesn't it?

is this real? does it matter?

- well, crap, the picture i really wish to display here won't upload! -- so here's a link to similar images: undulus asperatus ... they ARE real! amazing! check these out: even more seemingly-fantastic! undulating beautiful seemingly-fantastic but completely real cloud images
- today i finally got over to the MOLAA (museum of latin american art) in long beach, which has free admission on sundays. wow! what a great museum! (here's the website) on the walls surrounding the artwork were many whimsical, thought-provoking quotes about reality vs imagination/fantasy. that combined w/quotes i read today from rabindranath tagore have got my brain plonking a bit... at the dollar store yesterday, i bought a calendar that had a quote from tagore on cover. it seemed somewhat slangy/maybe anachronistic, so, thought i, hmmm: more internet bs mis-attribution, perhaps? then i read up on tagore a bit (thank you, wikipedia!) & learned he became known for bringing the colloquial to bengali poetry, & on www.etymonline.com that "terrific," the word that called me to question the quote's veracity, came into its current meaning around 1888, dead in the middle of tagore's writing career. all very interesting! here is some spiritually pleasing & lovely mental food from RT: quotes
- i'm trying to upload the museum pix to my laptop, & if i succeed, i'll plop some here. meantime, hope you enjoy the cloud images & tagore quotes.
- in more mundane news, today's events included two meetings, two restaurant meals, no exercise... implict in all of this is much love, i hope is apparent. happy almost-new year!

oh, i wish i was an oscar meyer weiner, that is what i'd truly like to be, for if i were an oscar meyer weiner, everyone would be in love with me...

that was a test. if you knew that song, you are of A Certain Age. it taught all us kids at that time use of the subjunctive, even if we didn't know that's what it was called (& who needs to know nowadays, anyways? except that the subjunctive is the coolest of all tenses, i think!: the "what if?")... i was dreaming about being in a car with my family & james & a big, big wave was crashing over the car as we kept driving, probably related to beautiful surfing videos we watched in eatery yesterday when our conversation went frm hawaii to hell. then he & i were driving right to the edge of a deep, deep canyon & i was saying, "look, honey, look!" & we both were scared & vertiginous (i just wanna use that word!!), but we were gonna go down in that deep, deep canyon to see what we could see! then i was following exene into a bookstore... i didn't talk to her, but she was talking about honky-tonk music & then there i sat at a piano, playing some moon mullican... obviously i'm no lucid dreamer cause i only ever get snippets like i just wrote down, but the next thought is this: how DID a weenie like me marry such a tough man? that man is tough as nails, w/a mouth that'd make a sailor cry & the sometimes ferocious pugnacity of a fighter (which he was). but he's also sweet as a puppy. sincerely! i relate cause i'm either gidget/mary poppins or a blubbering lump of want-to-die. the moods shift like earthquakes, like tsunamis! yesterday, i just LOST IT! i was all alone, so i could really let it rip, let those demons fly! but from that particularly violent mental crash came sweet release & calm & then we had an afternoon & eve of total love & adventure... we headed out for a benefit/tribute up north, but had mechanical failure & our plans were dashed. we were disappointed, but mama said, you can only do what you can do, & you can't do everything... yes, i feel different today. do you ever need to really lose it to gain it back even stronger? a weenie's gotta get cooked & burst some before it's really good eating. i know that metaphor makes little sense, but james is real good at them, & i'm working on it by osmosis. ok, now that i'm ready to serve, time to go for a run. yes, this weenie likes to run. good day or eve, sir or ma'am.

blablablablablablablablablablablabla, music, men, freed to grow up, who cares, my blog, mwahahahah

- water's running down the stream again: i've been writing songs, averaging 1 decent one/wk lately! recently i reworked one called "tarzan" i'd written for my old guitar player phil but now realize better explains where i'm at these days, tho w/"artistic license," of course... no song's a straight-arrow truth; that's part of the fun of writing them: freedom to play w/reality. anyways, i hope we do it in dusk devils: we'll see!
- how are you? in addition to frequent travel & practice & gigs, lately i've been experiencing the most happy semi-retired bum days, enjoying the breezes up here on the mountain, listening to the wind chimes, gazing at the birds & trees, enjoying visits from vagabond kitty & black-dog buford (traveling neighborhood animals content to plop down @ my pad for a bit, then move on), writing songs, writing journal, playing piano, taking the BRAT out for a little 4-wheeling (haha!), reading, going to meetings, hiking, supping w/friends, doing yoga, enjoying summer foods & coffee, cleaning house (i love keeping my house clean w/the exception of doing dishes, which i hate w/passion!)... don't see how life could be any better, really, as it stands. :)
- ... just spoke to ronnie mack & DDs will be doing the buddy holly/patsy cline barndance in september. yay!! thursday's a radio show w/karling in bakersfield & friday's a gig w/DDs and KA at b ryder's (flyer someplace; i'll try to post it here)... like i said, life is just singing these days. don't wanna think too much about possibly why that would be; will just feel fortunate & hope that your life, too, sings! :)
- i tend to be an emotional chickensh*t where the tough stuff's concerned, but at mama's behest, i gave news of a huge life-change to my ex-husband & -beau the other day. it was tough for me cause i'm not used to being straight w/people when i know it'll potentially make them uncomfortable/sad; i want to smooth everything over, make everyone ok, not look like the bad guy (that last one's probably the real truth). this means i'll lie & fudge in the moment, which only temporarily soothes situations & also ultimately makes me feel like a weasel... however, now w/all in open, i feel freer! it's premature to say, but i might be on the road to growing up (it's about time!!), forging a big, friendly, powerful pact w/a human who seems to want the same. whatever happens, i know the situation i'm in right now is healing, already having brought me much self-revelation &, maybe for us both ultimately, personality integration, at least as much as possible... (middle-class, american, semi-retired: i'm reminded of george carlin's quote. "some people see things that are and ask, why? some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.") anyways, i'm not gonna feel guilty that i have the luxury of time to write about all this -- will just feel grateful. i mean, just to feel understood in "that way" right now is quite a blessing... wow! someone understands me, all of me, & wants to learn more, & doesn't want to change me, nor me, him? unprecedented.
- after speaking to one of the exes, & last nite as i wallowed for a bit in longing & loneliness (briefly, tho, cause my friend called & snapped me out of it), i started thinking about the power & delusion of fantasy life. in real life, it will happen when one person idealizes the other in her/his absence; the reality can never compare. in my case, until i found booze (allowing me to then find bad men), i lived, luxuriated, sequestered myself in fantasy, being obsessed w/famous people... & i still will do it when i am lonely, musing about "if only" or just looking at pictures of, for instance, johnny weismuller or some other incredibly attractive famous male... it was & is like that "mitote" spoken of in that book "the four agreements," an evil fog, really, so much safer than dealing w/real people, especially real boys/men, but keeping me from growing emotionally, keeping me from really living & loving!
- even w/the vision of a mole, i was quite an artistic young person, so i'd gaze, pine, just zone out looking at famous men's faces, spending countless hours drawing them, listening to their music, imagining being w/them, them holding me, kissing me, saving me like knight in shining armor (if our dad's reading this, he probably just vomited. sorry, dad! even being brought up in the gia intellectual tradition, i drank just enough of society's koolaid to be sickened, apparently!)... since, i've been in real-life relationships that were extensions of that youthful delusion. i have "loved" musicians, actors, handsome men, brilliant men, lonely tho bigger-than-life types. i worshiped them as objects, then vilified them. i picked emotionally/geographically unavailable men, dreaming of that someday when they would do what i want, act the way "i know he can," fulfill my script, & then we'd live happily ever after. wow! pretty immature, huh? of course, then the relationships would suck, my "love" for them being conditional. the one i had that went the best, my marriage, went well enough, but there were secrets & sadnesses, tho we today are dear, loving friends...
- what i'm entering into now is no game, no contest, no cover-up, but a triple-L event. i'm not having to manipulate to try to ferret out attentions, nor flirt w/others or reciprocate their interests to fill up the hole in my soul, nor wonder: is he thinking of me? does he love me? does he have my best interest in mind? and i care about his well-being. that one is huge. i've usually felt, shameful to admit, every man for himself. selfish fear makes people do weird things, doesn't it? my dear ex, when we made amends, asked me to be kinder to men. well, b is easy to be kind to -- but w/this person of whom i write now, our shared feelings are humanizing me, softening & making more generous my attitude toward men in general... i feel safe. i know he won't calculatedly ambush me. and i know, cause it's already happened, if we have a wreck, we'll fix it together. he's not gonna just abandon me, bloodied by the roadside, nor will i, him.... heck! if this continues, i'll be a genuinely good human being, able to treat all persons as persons instead of puppets! :)
- if anyone on earth has reason to be a victim, a bad monster, ruined by what life's handed him, it's this human. instead, he's a success, a wiseguy, a smarta*s, a friend, a kind, funny, sage, talented, brave, fiercely intelligent survivor, & together we've started making lemonade from lemons, or as aunty rita has said is impossible, chicken salad from chicken sh*t...
- i've blabbed far too much already... in summation, were this to end today, i'd be destroyed likely for quite some time, but in the end i'd have to be thankful cause it's unprecedented, magical, & changing me for the better. it may be what people throughout the ages have called true love.
- do you relate to any of this? i hope that you do. and i hope that you feel it, too. wish me luck. may you have it, as well.

loose lips sink ships; mememememememememe, blablablablablablabla

if you don't wanna read about me, go on to another site. but here are some thoughts as i attempt to digest burger & fries:
1. growth & learning always are painful -- sometimes fleeting ("2+2=4," "i should never again touch that hot stove"), sometimes seemingly interminable (me learning to grow up & have an appropriate & kind relationship w/a man)... educators learn about cognitive dissonance. i remember how much my legs ached at night when as a kid i had growing pains. i moaned & suffered stoically as my bones stretched, anticipating reward: i was gonna be a basketball player. then in 7th grade, i stopped growing, my career as a professional athlete, literally, stunted.
2. today's been hot hot hot for the mountain (over 90)... i sat inside all day & wrote songs, & wrote, & did networking, & slept... this eve, all cooled & i set out to lake of the woods to the market there, serving backpacker/hiker/star watchers en route to mt pinos, which means the place has great grub! i piled up on pudding cups, tortillas, drinks, oatmeal cookies (WITHOUT raisins!! raisins in cookies are gross!!) while waiting for my burger & fries, then sat outside in the crisp night with mountains looming all around & full moon rising in indigo sky... my neighbor's told me bats come out in the eve, but this was the first time i'd seen any; i grabbed my ipod & tried to snap some pictures... a thin, grizzled man in ball cap staggered (truly!) out of the moose lodge next to the market. "trying to take pitchers of the bats?" he called. "watch this" -- he scooped up small rocks & began hurling them in the night sky; each time, a bat would swoop. "they think they're bugs!" said the man. i thanked him for helping my photographic attempts; however, it'd been too dark to get a shot, so now i write about it here, hoping i won't forget...
3. on another cool eve, my friend & i stood outside an immaculate & imaginatively-decorated watering hole & spied movement in an office window across the street. we loped over arm in arm & what i had thought to be a dog & cat playing together inside the office instead was... a dog & BUNNY playing together! bunny, tan & white, hopped & leaped & jumped on patient little weener pup; the animals circled & danced & even tumbled at one pt. the watering hole's pretty, sad-eyed bartender, between downing shots w/bar regulars, explained that bunny always is there, that she goes & visits it sometimes after closing up... what a sweet image, this kind-hearted, scratchy-piped gal walking over to say hi to her bunny friend thru the late-night glass... we watched the animals scamper & play until the dog abruptly & obediently turned tail & waddled to his human mother, who, done with the night's business, was gathering her purse to head home... bunny & puppy, frolicking for our enjoyment: if you've ever seen anything this adorable, count yourself lucky. i sure do. :)
4. mama cooked for my 45th birthday. i didn't end up doing the 45-mile walk after all, being too immersed in my new life, music, & all the travel that goes w/both. dad joked that maybe i should have just planned to walk 45 yards. instead, my family met my love, all going better than i could've imagined. i could tell my father was quite impressed by him & that mama & angie liked him quite a lot; i was so pleased when i spied him & my future brother-in-law, a fellow rubber-face who's too led at times a rough life, making faces at each other quietly from across the table... "ok," he grinned, announcing the match to be over, "you pass," & they shook hands. :)
5. this is gross to write, but years ago one male sent me text photos of his private parts. (some women have indicated this is common... how distressing!) my love sends me pictures of his long & strong & talented hands. he is a tough & worldly soul, yet has demonstrated tremendous class & romantic spirit when it comes to matters of the heart...
6. when i had to get sober, forced by a self-imposed crisis" i could "neither evade or postpone," i sat in a mental hospital's waiting room for about 36 hours, waiting & waiting to see the doctor, the only one who could spring me. i knew what i'd tell him: i've realized i'm an alcoholic; when i get home, i'm going straight to a meeting. the doctor kept walking by, ignoring me. all eve. all the next morning. all the next afternoon. he was to leave at 6 pm. "can you help me?" i asked my friend, who 12-stepped me later that eve, who was working at the hospital, who was on to the whole gig. "i'll have to stay here all weekend, if he won't see me today!" at 5 til 6, doc called me in. "i just have one question for you," he somberly intoned. "what?" i replied anxiously. "why do you keep f**king your life up?" ... i was reminded of this recently. a friend's been sick; the docs ran all kinds of tests. they called a week later & told him he was ok. he & all who love him jumped for joy! ...then they called back. he needed to come back in. they made his appointment... for five days later. make him contemplate the worst. make him sweat. in my case, the waiting, waiting, waiting caused me to really think & sink in: i'd been doing it to myself, hurting not just me, but my loved ones. they'd become ill with worry. i'd been selfish. and, in my case, i learned, sick, too, slave to a physical allergy & obsession. i can't safely touch it again... ever. and i can't control it on my own power; i've got to surrender to something bigger & better than me (the rest of this i'll save for a speaker meeting)... the enormity of it loomed larger & larger as hours passed. i was done; i had to be! i wanted to live. never again must i break my mother's heart, nor scare those who love me. people love me!! in my case, if they'd released me immediately, i don't think i would've ever reached this moment of clarity...
7. i'm building boundaries. it's tough cause, like many, i'm a people-pleaser w/a bit of a "coda" problem, & love to write, & reveal, & communicate but obfuscate... then part of "what's wrong w/me" means when stressed i melt down & blab & sob & ooze all over others in an emotional omelet. balance long's been a challenge: how to be moral & responsible, a good role model in an a-bit eccentric package, yet possess these wild black moods that feel like death when they strike? expressing them's part of exorcising them; how to do so appropriately? yes, it's vital to reconcile all, i think... i've told myself "no one reads my blog" & "i'm a nobody" (i'm fine w/both these notions) cause i have no ambitions of fame, only to play music & create & experience life. but i'm told people ARE watching (the rose maddox/buck owens duet "loose talk" might become the abiding theme song), that i have to be more careful of what i write & how i comport myself... so i'm called lately to become more circumspect, less flirty. (dang it! i don't flirt sexually... i like people! i've been told i'm charming & playful, for pete's sake! plus i'm kind of a prude, really, not to mention rather afraid of men; i flirt w/guys AND gals w/usually the purpose of making everyone laugh, think, feel happy & comforted [i save usually in writing, while my friend swoops in like superman; we both maybe could stand to let people have the dignity of their own experiences, meaning at times, let them fall, & then if it's our place, pick them up & dust them off]... ... the problem can be, i gotta admit, "usually." sometimes i have fallen short & have overstepped boundaries w/men when i'm lonely, wound-up, craving attention... the cavern of loneliness can swell so huge, it agonizes, feels so lethal, bringing such desperation... ah, stupid fallible human fears & foibles...) to be more private, grown-up, yet still true to self: to combine no-nonsense toughness (my friends) w/genteel politesse (my family): well, i'd have it made. "just be yourself," he said. but who is that? "oneself," i guess, is ideally an ever-evolving creature, & the evolving soul must be brave, for, to return to the original thought, growth, change is painful, even messy. i'm rising to this new challenge. i can, i will, i am, i must. i want to be brave & good & better, more loyal & worthy, more useful all the time. don't you? :) should you still be reading, & should you desire it, know that you, too, can rise to any challenge.
have a lovely day or night; have a lovely life, for that matter... and may we all stay green so that we may grow...
yes, i was gonna analyze & parse that, too, but heck, you've got a brain: please interpret as you will... :)

please send me to charm school

... or wherever they teach you to pose like a girl (i.e., 50s pinup, in this genre, i spose). i know i'm not doing bad for a "middle-aged broad," but it's embarrassing to play/have played in bands w/women who are quite glamorous & yet come off (me, that is) this consistently dorky in photos (yet, i post them)... and why in heck was i smoking? i really do look "wrong" smoking, as some people've told me... argh.
- intellectually i know there's nothing wrong w/just being a human in photos, wrinkles, squints, fat rolls, dippiness, ugliness, imperfections, HUMANITY & all... but man, it can be tough, esp in this social media age, plus being a performer & kinda reliant on projecting a physical image... what's the effect of the former, i wonder, on kids? it seems to me more youngsters than not are a bit too pose-perfect & always ready for their closeup, having grown up w/noses in media devices... google "duck face" -- not just teenaged girls do it -- adults aside (on which duck face or its cousin contrivances can look rather pathetic, doncha think?), i recently saw a slew of photos of a little boy now about 8 yrs old, brother of a former student, mugging it up in that goofy-yet-glamorous way kids who've grown up photographing themselves to post to social media sites all seem to have... it's kinda weird, isn't it? do you recall when kids -- or any of us, except maybe actors & models -- had no preconceived idea or anxiety, really, about how they looked in photos? (i had a free-floating, amorphous anxiety, but it was that i was ugly -- it never occurred to me that a particular pose or angle would fix that ugliness...) hmm... that last pt makes me wonder: is the constant visual diary most kids keep of themselves these days boosting their confidence or making them feel more self-conscious? (recently i saw a woman had posted her daughter's pic, to this response from daughter: "OMG!!! MOM!!!! you know that's my bad side!! i hate this picture!!!") are we getting more narcissistic? realistic? calculating? neurotic? a little of all? i mean, w/in a culture's (mostly unspoken) dictates, each of us has a gendered & performative role... maybe these kids who've grown up self-photoing for instant upload are better able to fit into this game called american society...
guess all this musing just makes me sound old... oh well.
karling is supposed to come up & stay (we might make a comic book, i hope, but probably just will watch "spider baby," which she, a monster movie fan, somehow's never seen). maybe i can get pointers from karling, who is extraordinarily glamorous, as well as kind & very talented... at the hike i took a few wks ago, one of the gals, stephanie, is a photographer, & before we got our photo taken, she told me to do something w/one foot, then pull out & tuck my chin. that is a start, i spose...
i like our young rhythm section right now. they are not just cuties, but good musicians. overall, i am  happy musically, & i know our folks gave me good genes, so can't complain too, too much. :)

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, where is you?

can't sleep. clowns won't eat me, just can't sleep. man, life's been busy!
some thoughts:
1) a certain rather full-of-himself rockabilly hipster -- really, anyone w/good sense -- should not plomp smugly down & start putting the movidas on rockabilly betties right after departing a bar crapper, accompanied by the waft of his own poop (pepe le pew is cute to us viewers, but he not only never gets the girl, but repulses her!); yes, i feel sorry for him, too, that this happened, but not that sorry! really: get a clue, fella!
2) road trips can be wonderful; hotels & diners are fun; gigs are gigs, some terrific, some good, some horrid; friends (amazingly) ever-grow in number & run true & deep; but the freeways of LA & orange county certainly reside in a lower circle of hell, & there's no place like home (lisa p reminded me to click my ruby slippers 3x when reciting that)...
3) during this latest swell, fun, exciting, exhausting week/end, i got to play music w/a talented young man from up here on the mtn; w/karling & the atomics; & w/becky & my revenge friends, & eat at many great joints, most memorably a delicious anaheim french-vietnamese place. one of the best pts of traveling always is when i can drop in at my gym at some new place, but today i exercised so hard, i was reminded i'm probably getting a little long in the tooth to be kicking, squatting, punching, & burpying alongside the lithe 20-somethings... but MAN, it's fun! (not to mention the ego high of being able to keep up & even best many of them strength-wise);
4) then i read in runners' world about a 100-yr old marathoner (his time, 8:11; his training tip, "i watch where i am going") & remember if you don't use it, you lose it (feels like rigor mortis sets in when i skip working out for more than 2-3 days)... still, modification of form is in order to avoid the injuries that so commonly beset us middle-ageds. i need to ramp it down before i hurt myself AGAIN;
5) each of us have our opinions, & we live in a society that allows us the luxury of self-expression (refer to recent "louie" episode to laugh ruefully at us americans, so, so spoiled, relative to most everyplace else on earth). one of my fervent opinions (in the "who gives a crap" dept), for instance, is that men w/receding hairlines, extra girth, & strong hands are hot stuff. it's a face thing, too: angie & i were raised w/the most handsome father in the world, & unfortunately, we think therefore that handsome=solicitous & kind, since our father is, & "handsome but not soliticous & kind" men are not appropriately honoring their god-given gift of handsomeness & therefore, in my primitive book, are evil & to be punished (yikes! hope my attitude is softening as i age)... anyways, back to the pt: it's all relative!
a guy i know whom i find to be quite attractive flattered the crap out of me & told me, "you're so pretty," to which i replied, w/o thinking, "to YOU," & he shot back, "well, who else matters, dumbbell???" & i had to pause. yes, he was the one complimenting me... who else's opinion DID matter in that moment? and who was i to denigrate his kindness like that? i cannot deem his opinion to be wrong, even if i think i'd be prettier if i were taller, slimmer, younger, more anglo, more glamorous, whatever...
beauty is in the eye of the beholder. i must not insult the beholder, nor question his/her motives or sincerity... such things, yes, can't help but be broadly societal, but really are very personal, special, idiosyncratic, even sacred... i like what i like. you like what you like. we mustn't tell each other what to like or dislike. it's just disrespectful!
6) lastly, synchronicity just smacked me upside the melon. a friend asked what i thought of his new band's name. ignorant of the historical, local phrase he had chosen, i suggested other, similar names, thinking the name he'd picked sounded like a kids' band. i'm so smart. (didn't even think to look it up. what a scholar i am.)
yesterday as she drove w/me partway to the doll hut gig, cattie ness (aka "beaky") out of the blue starts telling me a story about the migrant workers in this valley, the ones who followed the harvests, naming them by the very phrase that will be my friend's band's name.
clonk! all of a sudden, it made sense: americana & bakersfield fetishists will go ape over this obscure reference. olen, i was ignorant when you kindly emailed me. you're a genius!

idiots; i never learn...

whoever wrote this is not an idiot: what wit!... people who purport to be writers should know their stuff, tho, i feel, & right now i'm angry about a situation in which i am looking down at "writers" who don't know their comma & pronoun usage, using that as an excuse to feel superior, which is a bad place for me to be (especially since, sue to laziness, i never capitalize when blogging)...
of language, twain commented, "anyone who can only think of one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination." my dad, whose name bears six letters total, is one of the brightest fellows i've ever known, but has always had trouble w/spelling... i am all over the place, p.o.ed about having been asked to become involved in something that really is none of my biz, a petty little turd i could've not stepped in, but smoosh, there i went... "we step on the toes of others & they retaliate, seemingly w/o provocation"... it's my fault i'm disturbed; still, can't help looking down my nose @ the retaliator, whose music is crap, i've always thought; who is known for writing blogs yet doesn't well-enough-for-me use basic american english mechanics (hence the graphic here); who is an associate of an arrogant & untalented local writer whom i to-this-day dislike (can you tell?); & who also, it seems from a quick online search, possesses what-i-think-are smug, provincial attitudes... so of course this dunce would have started the sh*tstorm she did.
but i didn't need to become involved.
i need to not do things just cause people ask me to, or even worse, just suggest that i do; why do i still want so to please people when they wouldn't care one bit if i were to stay out of frays? dad certainly would not have gotten involved; he is the mushroom, & i'm sure better off when i am, as well.
"don't borrow trouble," donna wisely would say. when i borrow trouble, most ppl seem pretty damned stupid, & i don't mean just bc they don't know basic punctuation or usage... i become the judge & they become greedy, venal, ugly, useless, detestable, hypocrites; then i snarl & pant & feel like a sap... if i mind my own business, i don't get on my high horse; i don't despair; i ignore dunces as well as decisions made by friends w/which i disagree. when i tend my own garden, i delight in my wonderful life & am appropriately supportive of others... but once again, i forgot, & once again, i'm the dumbbell, the one to pay... lessons come so slowly when you've a head of rocks & marbles.
that's all for now.