Monday, December 29, 2014


blablablablablablabla, blablablablablablabla, blablablablablablabla! blablablablablablabla: blablablablablablabla blablablablablablabla blablablablablablabla blablablablablablabla? blablablablablablabla blablablablablablabla; blablablablablablabla blablablablablablabla...
that is all. :)

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Santa Claus - an odd & innocent film

this low-budget mexican-made flick was parodied on MST3K: i recently watched & enjoyed it minus smarmy hilarious asides via one of our roku channels ... it gives santa's setting & the whole christmas story a real twist: at his outer space hideout, st nick is aided by tykes of different nations who monitor earth's kiddies using devices apparently from pee wee's playhouse. they focus mainly is on little lupita as she struggles against mean old scratch because "i don't want to be evil;" the tiny child is sincerely adorable, her story moving. this cult movie is to me a pleasing combination of weird, sweet, boring, & touching. maybe you'll get a kick out of it, too. (for some reason, i was trying originally to post a link to in the electric mist, tho it's not a holiday movie: look for & watch it, if you can!)
merry christmas to all... we ran out of the photo christmas card you see here, so i will post one here for anyone who wants to see one but didn't get one from us in the mail as well as a picture sister angie sent me. my heart soars that, tho she has become so firmly religious, angie retains her demented humor. she is a true gia... to paraphrase elvis, let's make "everyday be like christmas..."

Monday, December 22, 2014

A Christmas Carol (1984 Full Film)

you gotta watch this, if you haven't... he makes the best scrooge ever, i think. also, please read the novella, if you've not. what a beautiful piece of literature! here it is!

you better watch out, you better not cry...

i volunteer at the local thrift store, "name your price," the brainchild of dave, r.i.p., a hardworking man resembling a jolly old elf who hinted he had been a bad man in another life & was doing his scavenging/junking/thrifting as life amends (the store benefits the kern county boys & girls club). a drawing of dave beams from the store's sign & the 1st time i saw it, i kinda choked up: i didn't know dave well, but enough to know he'd helped lots & lots of ppl on & off the mtn here when he could've just decided to stay bad. i get to organize the books there, which i just love, & jaw w/friends who amble in to shop, & find great bargains, too... anyways, just cooling my heels here waiting to make the next move. last weekend was fun, 1st heading out to my own gig (IT HAS BEEN FAR TOO LONG!!) w/the big manny band at a big party in east LA. i haven't seen so many beer can empties in a long while! - also, so many friendly faces i hadn't seen in decades, since the old days of the blazers & shows at the palomino in north hollywood. my former dance partner, rudy, was jovial & burly as ever, & tho in those days i carried on like a drunken underclothed mark-waiting-to-get-hit, the males who remembered me from that time were gentlemanly to the one. "manuel attracts a nice crowd," james commented, "so that makes sense." manuel beamed ear to ear a lot that night, & i was so happy & warmed by the kindness & enthusiasm we band members seem to have for one another, hoping to get more gigs together in 2015... we'll see!
that night james played gallaghers in LBC, arriving back to the mtn late that night, then next we traipsed to bakoland for a show in oildale. james played the pants off the place, & his rhythm section pretty much killed it for most of the night! john clifton of fresno's mofo party band showed up to visit his friend james & sat in on several numbers; he brought james a special coin, then i traded necklaces w/steve james's wife, who goes by "roadie" &'s been ill for many yrs. i don't know her well, but enough to know she's a real survivor; the trade & gifts touched us... we got to mom & dad's & dad greeted james at the gate like EYEgore; we sat, them in their robes, eating a late night snack & chatting a bit before they tucked into bed & i realized i'd never come home from a gig to the folks like that, waiting up, cheerful & sleepy & happy to see us & us to see them. quite special. :)
almost done w/holiday shopping. it's the wrapping task that brings me dread. gift mountain just sits there day after day, but i know i'll get it all done. both niece maddy & son-in-law james jr are home from college, we've been watching christmas movies & singing holiday songs, today we mailed off over 60 christmas cards (better late than never!), & i expect this will be as nice a christmas as ever... may your days be merry & bright...

Sunday, December 07, 2014


just watched a very cute & of course naughty video of james & band today playing at the vietnam vets & legacy vets mc toy run... our friend alice was up there dancing & the video brought me a big grin bc her husband turtle filmed it, so most of the video focused proudly on cheerful alice & her shapely derriere :D ... hope james has been having a great weekend gigging up a storm while i have chosen to stay back w/hell kitty & our beautiful mountain & home. :)
big day tomorrow. checking here so i actually go to bed & get some zz's before hitting the road in the a.m. changed the sheets for james's return; put on the flannels cause tho there's been yet no snow, it's been brrrrrr cold! at tonight's mtg, ppls' shares reminded me how lucky we all is, now clean/sober, to no longer have that terrible heart-breaking loneliness & awful yucky crappy feeling one has when living in lies... my friends have two little cherubs & during the mtg one slept in the corner pink-cheeked & angelic while the other, cute as shirley temple, curls & all, in her little fringy suede boots, pushed a toy cart around, offering us coffee (the kid, only 3 1/2 yrs old, already knows her 12 step meeting decorum!), then hot chocolate, then "chicken with butter," then "snow flake cookies & santa cookies." yes, so cute, we all were grinning our faces off. how nice to have ditched cynicism. how nice to be sober & able to do dumb fun irritating boring sweet things like play w/hell kitty, not wash dish mountain, clean the house, then surf the internet like a braindead dumbhead, living the life i've always wanted, a whole & wholesome one that feels increasingly peaceful. so nice to peek back & see "high maintenance" receding -- dear donna, always one to pull covers mercilessly but necessarily, reminded me how it used to be for me & rather than get my little feelings hurt, i thought, yeah, she's right! but i'm not that way anymore... yay!!
so nice to start to find & feel equanimity. :) me & sweet marjorie talked about that the other night at another mtg. marjorie is a bright, bright spirit &, the more i know her, the more i'm happy to know her. what a fun friend! in fact, the more ppl i meet on the mountain, the more i appreciate living here...
today i found out our friend a.m. passed away after months of terrible sickness. rest in peace, kind lady, in her last moments protected by the lovingest person i know, my dear friend  j.c., as well as by a's son. a.m. was immersed in recovery & was never alone in her 7 months of illness; friends in the program took shifts along w/family to do all they could to comfort her... i contrast this w/all the ppl i've heard of who've died alone, lonely, bitter, regretful, or in other negative conditions; we who choose to live in the light don't ever have to be alone, & there's no one path to the light except to point one's face toward it, be it via church, recovery, spirituality, mysticism, exercise, psychology, education, meditation, service, renunciation, juggling, kindly guffaws, or whatever means of positive inspiration twists your twinkie, as cousin tushi would say...
happy sober bd, cheerful, garrulous brahma, surrounded tonight by 25 loving friends... both a.m. & brahma were & continue to be (respectively) such shining examples of carrying the message & service to others.
so thankful to be clean & sober, as surrounded by love as i choose to be, long as i stay "in the middle of the herd" & give back the love & support so freely given... bhavatu sabba mangalam... :)

Friday, November 28, 2014

buuurrrrrrrrp :-D

...not very genteel, but that's my response after thanksgiving. we had plenty of tasty food stuffs, tho it all wreaked havoc on my vipassana'ed stomach, accustomed from that experience [see below] to macrobiotic, water-rich foods! "maybe you need to stop eating meat," little mary france cousin sweetly said. she might be right, tho i will continue to eat what is fixed for me -- that is the only polite way, i think, even before having seen anthony bourdain's tv show in which he argues, rightly, i think, that (if not due to illness) it's rude & spoiled to refuse food one is offered, no matter how "gross" or "inappropriate" or ((shudder)) "low class" it might seem!... i came upon a bottle of tums while rummaging in the family medicine cabinet & mused how much it'd sell if instead named "bellys" or "guts" or something less coy & diminutive... james returned peewee man to the mountain home in the green hornet & then was off to so-cal to hook up w/his son, back from the centennial state on school break; i stayed back here w/the family & soon'll take rural transit home. am overhearing the fellow installing mom & dad's new dishwasher & thinking how each time i've had a repair or installation person around, he/she cautions how the last person did it wrong or a shoddy job & "good thing i caught this [problem]" & the fellow here is doing just that... here's a pic of james & i from yesterday; it was a very happy time, as you can see; our seattle-area family, bright, funny, humble, socially dedicated, & successful, were here, so that was an extra-nice bonus... unassuming uncle ralphy, who talks to congress about "the indians," was my partner for bocce against dad & doug & w/his first dead-accurate toss, james yelled out, "ringer! we gotta ringer!" he kept throwing bulls-eyes, all right!... aunt pam told me they'd gone to spain recently to see gaudi architecture & showed me a pic of a spanish castle, commenting, "it looks like bavaria, don't you think?" just now, cleaning out mama's computer, i found this pic from last year's trip to europe w/james & his sidemen, from the bavarian burg of aldorf, DE. after his show that night at jimmy's cafe, we stayed in a gingerbread-castle style hotel; james & i had our own giant suite w/giant bed & bathroom, & next morn breakfasted on the most delicious jams, butter, breads, yogurts, muesli, & coffee in a beautiful, airy dining area w/windows looking out on dark lovely forest. later (earlier? can't remember) that morn, james & i walked around the village & bought face creams (me) & christmas ornaments & thick socks & scarves & then before we pulled out of town, the band stopped at a pastry window & i grabbed this pic, which i love since it shows james's handsome, heroic profile & scott abeyta's distinctly beak-like one as well as a sampling of scrumptious breads & sweets the place sold... ok, that's enough for now.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

happy thanksgiving tomorrow!

s.n. goenka, 1924-2013: who human could not love this face??
like you, maybe, i've long not believed the traditional thanksgiving lore, but still, this year i choose to celebrate it as a time for family & love & gratitude (& great food!!), not as the beginning of a genocide... there is so, so, so much for which to be thankful, both good, bad, & medium or mediocre! here is to "anicca, anicca, anicca," to equanimity & awareness.
a wise & wonderful human, r.i.p.
a beautiful & grueling experience that can change you for the better, if you take it seriously
i got to make a new friend in my roommate joyce; hike a 1/4 mile uphill repeatedly each day; experience searing, excruciatingly knife-like pain that gradually abated while sitting "with firm determination" for one hour over & over & over; turn over life stones & have ah-ha's while in deep meditation after listening to audios of wonderful goenkaji, who at times sounded to me like a grandfatherly bela lugosi; enjoy nightly "dhamma talks" delivered by wise goenka; eat delicious nutrient-packed food; see a glimmer of enlightenment... & write 10 songs clandestinely, on rolls of paper towels! what joy i experienced, to realize i could both bust out new tunes & then re-submerge into the deep stream of vipassana... thank you, good universe!!

Sunday, November 09, 2014


this halloween, sitting around so cozily w/family, giving out gift BAGS (for mrs gia can't give children merely ONE treat, or even a small handful: each must receive an entire bag!) to adorable & funny trick-or-treaters, i reflected on last halloween. we were in switzerland, & james played a strange gig at a place in zurich, strange bc in switzerland, bands must stay below 97 decibels... and anyone who's heard james & the blues express knows they are not a low-volume band! the venue was a very nice combination stage/restaurant, a dinner theatre, i guess, w/audience so politely staid, it seemed stoic... at james's more heavily-attended american shows, fans tend to lose composure so much, you could worry a riot might break out, or at the least, that you're gonna go blind watching the excessively licentious female fans do their thang -- james is "a bacchanalian," as my friend gita aptly said, a sorcerer of sorts: he can whip a crowd into a real froth! so the polite clapping between songs was, well, kinda unnerving, even frightening. there was not one adoring scream, raunchy, boozy swear, belching insult, cackling laugh, leering dancer, bottle breaking: nothin!... 
 but then on breaks, fans approached james in awe, widening their own eyes, pointing to theirs then his, astounding, "die AUGEN!!" once again, james had wowwed the people, low decibels, cultural & language differences be darned. shoulda known they'd loved him the whole time. anyone with a pulse MUST, unless overwhelmed by jealousy or appalling lack of ability to appreciate god-given talent.
afterward, we walked back in the brisk night to the hotel (what a room! so very sophisticatedly european, posh yet utilitarian!), stopping at a gleaming hotel snack shop to spend our few swiss francs on candy & munchies, milling amongst throngs of young revelers, all dressed in traditional garb (to me resembling robin hood). yes, it had been an evening exotic, cool, quiet, rewarding while this year's was warm, relaxing, mischievous, & loving... after 56 trick-or-treaters arrived in 45 minutes, we closed up shop & drove down the street to deliver goodies to angie & doug's house. mama walked up the front walkway as  james & i rolled out of the car wearing monster masks, slithering across the dark lawn like ninjas, snaking around the fence to the backyard (we planned to scare the sh*t out of niece madeline & her troop of friends), then waiting in the shadows, our creepy visages somber & spooky... unfortunately, the first youth out the door was charley, the most unstartlable [sic] of the whole pack. "hi!" she smiled, waving at us calmly. crap! our dastardly plan had been foiled by the most unflappable of madeline's friends!
this past weekend we traveled south for hubby's shows & friday night i had a fun nighttime stroll to gallagher's where got to witness james again at his maximum powers, the most amazing frontman there is, running a tight ship that night, kicking butt w/such fun & high-octane ferocity, his own band even was rode hard & hung up wet by the end. i was so proud of him, & he of himself! saturday i stayed back on kitty duty while james attended his 2nd show & i got to have the nicest stroll around long beach that day, finding a few street treasures as well as some bargain holiday gifts. i love the neighborhoods & architecture of the homes in long beach as well as the variety of people & experiences in that city...  i'm prepping now to attend a 10-day silent meditation seminar (NOT retreat!) i've been trying to get in to for over 8 years. people i know who put their everything into it while in attendance have come back new & renewed as well as wiser & stronger... i'm resolved to put my everything into learning all i can. we know thusly this will be life-changing not just for me, but for us, the pages, as well as for him, holding down the fort, working on endless projects as well as The Next Big Step, then reuniting, the both of us bettered by our separate positive growing experiences... i already miss him, & kitty, & our family, & our friends; i am trepidatious but also happy, nervous, excited & ready to be stripped down & rebuilt.
that's all i can muster for now; we have been passing infection back & forth in this late-autumn time of year, so it's time to go rest some more with senyor peewee, adorable little trilogy-of-terror hellspawn kitten.
we agree 2015, fast approaching, is going to be amazing for us, & maybe it'll be so for you, as well.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

rushrushrushrushrushrushrush... awwooooooo!

helping folks, need to take a little breather, then big grocery shopping/entertainment time, home to hubby, reunion time for him & me (we've been busy), & halloween tomorrow! yayy!! here are some pix while my pulse slows...
 this is dad, ray, mama, angie, & baby me at hart park in bakersfield in early 1968. angie's not yet pictured, still being at that time inside mama. ray was mama's best friend in college; he went to vietnam, came back haunted, disappeared, & when she next found out about him, he had passed away in NYC, a happy buddhist. she gave me some of his buddhist lit & i was hooked. :)
 we have had a visitor this past week in the person of eddie nichols. he's doing super-swell & so is james. we  spent a lot of time eating, playing music, learning theory from eddie, watching the dumb box, & (them) sleeping, doing art, eating more, & having long, happy/heavy powwows while i worked in the yard, which i absolutely love doing...
 we celebrated two years married & had a great & fun day tripping around the santa clarita area, which when you get out toward the rugged hills to the east, is more interesting & funky than you'd think when you just glance the I-5 corridor orange county-like parts, mile after mile of mall shopping & box stores... teaching yesterday was so very fun & rewarding; i love the people who come each week to learn english as well as thinking up & delivering lessons & the interaction & awakening my spanish skills; i love volunteering at the thrift store, & organizing hundreds & hundreds of books & finding treasures each time; mama got me a lovely sparkly ring today, just because she's so mama sweet like that, & i was able to find one 1/2 the price of the one she initially picked out, which made me feel much better about accepting her generous gift, something i did not need but that she wanted to give me & how lucky i am (we are, all four of us, angie, doug, james & me) to have such a mama (& dad) right now; yes,so much for which to give thanks, & now it's time to hit the road again to shop the gigantic grocerystoreland at bakersfield's south edge to replenish comida supplies that were wiped out this past week... happy howloween!!!

 ps - this is peewee. he was rescued by james & eddie, & while he's no dog, or skinny, the world's most awesome feline, i think you'd agree, he's pretty darned cute. :)

Tuesday, October 14, 2014


i've had too much coffee.
was wrestling w/infernal ebay trying to upload pix of junk--i mean, precious treasures--to try to auction & my phone started whining wheee!!wheee!!!wheeee!!! in a scary emergency manner, like a guinea pig gone banshee. the screen flashed, "warning: high winds and dust storm approaching." aaaah!! those can get downright terrible in the central valley, stirring up valley fever, causing even more respiratory sickness! so i called bakersfield, but they already had all windows sealed up & it was blowing big time brown down there, said family. here it's just been high winds all day, cool & kinda creepy... well, geez, that's about it except it's countdown one week to two years' wedded bliss. :D things these days are shwell & i couldn't be happier, like i feel less anxious & neurotic than i can ever remember... i'm finally realizing that being rich in ways other than dollars, & sharing that w/the one i love, is so so far superior to worrying all the time... getting free, after all these years... thank you, great pumpkin/buddha spirit/good orderly direction/grandfather/grandmother/lord!
oh crap!! gotta run!! rats!! stupid time!!
have a nice wan

Saturday, October 11, 2014


i'm glad i take pix or i'd remember even less of this day-to-day blur called life. just dumped some pix into facebook so could grab most-easily this one of my sister & i when we were wee as well as the one of james as a fierce-looking young pop warner football player (what a game face!) & while looking at photos, i remembered all kinds of other neat things i've gotten to do lately which had immediately slipped out of my head til triggered by pix... to keep it short, right now there are great photographs by mexican artists at both the bakersfield museum of art & the latin american museum of art in long beach. some of the same photos appear in both exhibits, in fact! of the two exhibits, i think the bakersfield one actually is better, which makes me proud of my friendly smoggy dumb-headed hometown. it has its pleasantries, for sure. go see either or both exhibits while you can! also, the LAMOA or however it's abbreviated is free on sundays. :)
wanted to post the pic of angie & i cause it's her birthday weekend & i just love her so very much: she really is such a wonderful human. this picture for me captures what a lovable darling little sprite she was as a child (this reminds me: you should check out the gentle french film TOMBOY on netflix to see adorable children w/all their beautiful funny honest awkward intelligent touching ways)... looking at these photos, i can see that my hair's the same still, but my face sure is different now!; james, on the other hand, tho his hairline be now receded in a very striking & manly manner, still has that same face!
the other day we were talking about photos. only one or two remain of me from ages 11-12 to 16-17 or so. i just hated the way i looked in those blooming years of body dysmorphia, a condition that would stain my life from my teens up to my early 40s!! i'd look in the mirror & get a sinking sense of doom. i wanted to die when i looked in the mirror!! i would run from the camera as well as try to hide my awkward bulk behind anything: a placemat, a wall, another person, a book...
yes, i remember deeply the horror of puberty, realizing i'd never look like my favorite actors did (life would be much easier if i were a boy, i thought for years), that instead i was morphing from a rather athletic kid in 6th grade into a what-i-just-knew-to-be-homely beast, that the way i was changing was some cruel cosmic joke.
in meetings, people say here & there that booze saved their lives for many years. it was thus for me. drinking/etc decreased substantially my self-consciousness & inhibition. i took that drink, &, like a magic elixir, it granted me a sense of ease & comfort for a time, but then the drink took me... anyways... i write about this all the time, & it gets boring, but it was a big deal for me & still is & maybe someone reading this will relate & not waste decades of life in self-hatred due to something as ephemeral as the meatbag called a body. onward,turns out james didn't like his pic taken when he was a teen, either. he even destroyed most all his pictures, like i did! this caused me pause cause james is physically attractive. but he thought he was not. he, too, thought that he looked monstrous. imagine!!
knowing now my handsome husband also thought he was ugly makes me think maybe i was wrong all along. maybe i was just a teenaged girl, even if not a pretty one. i didn't deserve all that self-loathing & would be a fool to indulge any such thinking today.
yes, people go thru this & come out the other side. if you're going through it, drop the rock. you're ok just as you are. you are one human in billions. you've got this one life. get right-sized & carpe diem! and if you can't/won't accept yourself as-is, do something healthy to change your fate. "fall down seven times, stand up eight."
ok, off to organize books now, then hit the highway once again! :D

Wednesday, October 08, 2014


was messaging on facebook w/a friend who also is my piano mentor, a world-renowned master of boogie-woogie!, then talking w/james as he painted the porch about how immersed this fellow is in piano... what our friend said is true: the more focus one has, the more may be produced, the more may be created, the more one can improve, develop, flourish, blossom. (that excepts those who become SO immersed, nothing can ever be produced due to getting gummed up in detail, like a fly in a web, like happens during those OCD times...)
I LOVE TEACHING ENGLISH TO ADULTS!!! they want to be there, they like to have fun, they open up more & more with each session, we laugh & laugh, they ask more & more questions, they're learning a lot already, my spanish is reawakening, it's so gratifying & fun for me, i love teaching & have missed it so much... today is little angie sister's birthday; she's a teacher, too. my whole family: teachers! james said he'll come into class sometime.. he'd be a natural teacher, i think! all the dorky CLAD/BCLAD stuff i was forced to learn when a public school educator is now coming in handy, as well as stage performing skills... the more animated i am, the more they respond. james will blow their minds!
to empower myself so that i may help empower others: that is the life goal; to seek ever-elusive truth, but to continue seeking!: that is the goal! to ever-keep learning, developing greater patience, wisdom, accurate perspective: that is the goal. as james reminds me constantly, from hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, DON'T PANIC: THAT is the goal...
i love our lives. may you love yours.
(picture to come of me in front of American flag w/beautiful student marisol & her beautiful sister raquel, on vacation from mexico city, whom marisol brought to class because SHE THINKS IT'S SO MUCH FUN!! isn't that awesome?) nunca te rindas... que tenga un buen dia...

Sunday, September 28, 2014

bwhahhahahahaha!! yaaaaaay!!! hack sputter cough... s&%t!!

geez, the last 4 nights or so, SOMETHING keeps waking me up in the mid-morn between 3-4:30 -- the wind, the cat, an animal yowling, a loud car -- & then the hacking & retching & coughing & spewing starts... bah! phlegm! (what an accurately crappy yucky onomatopoeic word, huh?!) i think i've used 2 boxes of kleenex since thursday...  wasn't well enough to go with james this weekend, but got to help mom & dad clean their new house & yard today & eat the most delicious food. yesterday i noted that moderate exercise seemed to break up my cold some, so this eve i went for my 1st run in the open spaces around here & it was PERFECT!! the terrain, the hills, the quiet, the breeze, the sky, the colors of the land, the wide, wide sunset... PERFECT!! came back & logged it on u.s. track & field's map it feature, which if you don't know about, is AWESOME. mama called, "why are you being so silly?" and i realized i was singing corny country-western songs way too loud & laughing to myself like a nut... "endorphins!" i called back... hubby's on his way back from music festival & we are going to do MAJOR grocery shopping, i guess tomorrow... hope to get to the kern county fair before it closes -- tonight, friend tammy l was celebrating her "27th" birthday at the fair, at the joan jett concert -- happy birthday!; bummed the LA fair closes tonight & i didn't get to go this year... county fairs are the best!
yes, all is well -- if you don't think so, go out for a little jog, run, or stroll! :D :D :D :D

Friday, September 26, 2014


jenny page reading doctorow
james page being awesome
 don't mean to make anyone vomit, but last weekend he took this pic of me & then i took the one of him & i want to post them.  then i was on his computer mixing music & making videos & found pix of a fun trip we took to burbank many months back, so i'm gonna post those below, too cause heck, i wanna remember this stuff. we like places like burbank w/all its junk & antique stores, places to eat, streets to walk, plus "industry" stores...
yeppers, the best days are now, & lie ahead...

(ok, what else can i do to stall so i don't have to get dressed & go to town?)

point of no return, jenny & the phantoms

the vagabond kitty just woke me up... crash!! but did she catch a mouse? oh, noooo! anyways, so here are 5 songs to listen to, recorded aug 15, the best i do on my own w/no patience, no guitarist, & no professional playing/production. great pumpkin bless online video converter programs for enabling me to compress & upload this mac-created beast, which in original form was an enormous file! (btw, james wrote one verse of "21 days"!)
earlier i got my behind up from the sick bed to go to the post office, where saw my 1st jerusalem beetle -- a fat shiny shelled monster! -- parked hissingly (tho they really don't hiss) right by our box! their name also is "nino de la tierra" or child of the earth insect... weird! creepy! my sister gulped in text, sent a pic, "what is THAT?!?"... james & friends from socal readily identified it -- guess they're common there, tho i don't think in the central valley... yech... glad i didn't step on it. not only wouldn't i have, just cause it was such an unusual sight for me, but bc it would've made an enormous squish, plus i read they emit a smell like a diaper, PLUS james said they deliver a nasty bite!
well, that's the huge excitement of today (yesterday); hoping tomorrow (today) to feel weller [sic]...

Thursday, September 25, 2014

the truth!!

- the video from yesterday got lopped off so all that's left is the part i was supposed to do, anyways! hahaa! thank you, universe! :D my recounting of phil alvin's magnificent, moving singing at the music goes bang! festival, which inspired us near-to tears, as well as hype for this weekend's rockin' blues fest in kernville, will just have to go unseen cause ah! i got sick! not well enough to do much big talking, not to mention cannot! rats! stupid wind! stupid cold, painful earache, runny chafed nose, scratchy throat!
- had a bunch of good fun dreams in the new ultra-comfy football-field sized bed, on the up side... and don't have to punch a clock so have time to get better. yay! early retirement is boring at times, but then at times is jess right.
- talked w/hubby; all went well at his last-night gig. was so pleased to read line nine blues review's promo for that show, calling james "...the best blues entertainer in the world!... We all know it! It's just a fact!" as well as to see their silhouette poster of james's iconic physical figure... seriously, how many other entertainers of any renown/fame of any era/genre of whom you know can be identified so readily by mere silhouette? (mama noted bob hope; pretty darned good company, tho, phil alvin, james does NOT look like bob hope!!!). here's the poster so you can see it for yourself.... ok, gonna mix some music/songs i wrote/recorded & hope that the laundry somehow will disappear & the winds die down! merci beaucoux a vous! *coughcoughcough*

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

do not ignore the hand... the hand of fate... mwahahahahaha!!!

(the video i mention below was too long & i fear pretty boring, so i deleted it to redo later... in the vid, i talked about fun things we've done lately, being blown away by phil alvin's voice at the music goes bang! festival, seeing dear donna, then meeting james's eccentric & fascinating friend stanley... also mentioned the upcoming rockin blues festival in kernville, ca & showed a bunch of books as well as paper mache skull head, metal pugilist toy, james's black clay hand sculpture,  casper the friendly ghost lamp he got me, & played song of mine i wrote in '12 based on something really cool he told me at that time... well, now no need to redo video! :D )
typing this on james's computer as a video uploads... james's computer is so much nicer than mine, which is a real viejo! really should get another, but change, tho the only constant, is such a mudda, not to mention i'm a luddite as well as my dad's daughter: a tightwad!...
what's up? all here is well, swell, copacetic, peachy, sometimes crappy, mostly happy, yes, geez, life is nice! (now picturing kermit thee frog).. i've been getting to teach english at the local library! i love love love it! i love the people who show up to learn english! i'm getting to know the other teacher, & we've got the same positive philosophy about doing this! my spanish is about as good as the students' english, so that makes it doubly fun! it's free, so if you know any adult who wants to learn english, contact the library! next i'm trying to get some actual-dinero work w/the library, practicing my dewey, hoping for a place to show up regularly so i can use my brain more as well as get some dough here & there... been trying to cook some, be more domestic: yes, we're having some success in the happy home department, i think, me & him! mom & dad visited today: nice meal, smiley visit; they oohed over how much work we've done in the yard; james beamed proudly & gigged mama hilariously (she loved it)... we've been vegging out a lot w/the roku: little rascals, andy griffith, old movies... the other night we watched sling blade... why didn't bbt ever make anything else of worth???... reminded me how likeable john ritter was... james, of course, came away from the viewing w/a killer impression of carl (bbt's character)... we also've been getting a kick outta watching the office, which james's never seen... and that reminds me of two great movies we saw about voice acting, which we both still hold hopes of pursuing: in a world (comedy, available on redbox) & i know that voice (documentary, available on netflix)... blablablablablablablablablablabla
wish this thing would upload.
and now, a little song (you'll have to imagine the melody):
chingachinga, chingachinga, chingachingachingachingachingachinga
(no, not the mexican nasty chinga, but imagine a little streetcar or a small hammer hitting a tiny bell before a liliputian fight)

Wednesday, September 17, 2014


i don't have a great voice, but it's really fun to sing. james is in his own category, being one of the best vocalists i've ever heard but also my husband, so i can't be impartial. but here are some other singers i like, in no particular order, in case you don't know about some & might want to look him/her up:
wanda jackson, lorrie & larry collins, little richard, hank ballard, carl perkins, chuck berry, lowman pauling, johnny tanner & eugene tanner, howlin' wolf, phil alvin, etta james, big maybelle, sister rosetta tharpe, tina turner, billie holliday, james brown, big mama thornton, charlie feathers, charlie rich, roy brown, big joe turner, little walter, clifton chenier, fats domino, rose maddox, smiley lewis, louis prima & keely smith, lux interior, slim harpo, sonny boy williamson, ray price, ruth brown, & professor longhair!

Sunday, September 14, 2014

if i stay this mellow & happy...

- i will turn into dad. or a monk. or a guru. or something from pixar or disney.
or... just a happy human. i'm so grateful. :)
- i thought we had a lot of crap when we moved, but after 26 years? mom & dad, in process of moving, have waaaaaaaaaaay more crap! :D their new house is beautiful! they deserve it, too. we were poor growing up! their scrimping & saving & sacrificing has paid off in the comfortable, secure life they have now & so generously share! talk about good people... even if they weren't our parents! this world really is filled w/so, so many good, great humans, even if the focus too much is on bad, crappy, horrid, stupid ones... seek out the good!
- so anyways, we just filled up another trailerload & truckload, & i'm again so grateful to have the green hornet, my ugly reliable old faithful! (when i met james, he drove the mach 5 & i drove the green hornet & the blue demon -- which since has died, but still is super ugly-cute, sitting on the driveway waiting to be brought back to life. i thought it was funny we both named our cars after cartoons! technically, blue demon is a luchador, but  certainly those brawny masked fighters are cartoonish!) now we're gonna nap for a while before delivering this load. the new house is surrounded by hills to jog in & explore & from the house, you can view the elementary school playground. "i can go over & read to the kids once a week," mama said, smiling, & i added, "& when you're 90, mama, they can send kids over to walk with you to class!" what a nice thought. :) dad finally is ditching his arch-nemesis, the swimming pool, in favor of a spanish-style courtyard w/lovely fountain. he plans to plant xeriscape & even is taking a class. college at 73: i'm inspired! meanwhile, we've gotten lots & lots of good stuff from this move that will make our house not just prettier, but much, much more comfy... all are muy satisfecho.
- can't wait to finish helping here, then get home to thin out the house & yard so it doesn't look quite so much like sanford & son! it'll be a busy week back & forth helping the final days of the move, then next weekend, a fun event, a big music fest where james & i get to have a booth. i think whomever in that roots-punk-american music scene don't know of james will go ape over him: the modern man of a 1000 faces! i hope we can cobble some cool junk to sell & hear some great music... weekend after that's the kernville music fest; james & blues express play two times on saturday! i hope we sell 1,000,000 t-shirts this month!
- well, naptime for me... gl├╝cklick sonntag!

Friday, September 05, 2014

t-shirts! getcher t-shirts!

- we got the greatest t-shirt service right here on the mountain from a company right on our tiny main street! they are the good people who make the "i love fp" bumper stickers (on the back, they read "love god. love people." - both sentiments i can agree with cause why not?) i told the kindly owner/ screenprinter jerry that some batches in past have bled out some on the face & blues express lettering & he printed the image just-darker-enough that the shirts came out perfect, a much better representation of my original drawing! he also reduced the image size so it's a much better fit on most human torsos. in addition, he charged no set-up fee, a big savings! lastly, the turn-around on the order was just TWO DAYS! WOW! we were just all-around so pleased w/our treatment by "your t-shirt man," right here on the mountain. jerry says he does most of his jobs via online sales, so here's the link for you:
james was very, very happy, too, needless to say. at last weekend's festival, the shirts sold like hotcakes, so we're ready soon to order even more!
we rested earlier & i had 20-30 minutes of the most blissful peace in my heart! i was in the moment, no worries, no fears, no nothing except a beautiful feeling of rest & calm & happiness! that is such a big deal for a monkey brain like me... the refreshing lovely wind blew its blessed soul through the windows, in larger gusts sighing & whistling some, & james murmured in his sleep, reminding me of w.c. fields, "tell that man to stop blowing his horn..." :)
he's going to kick butt & take names tonight (friday) in long beach city at gallagher's, tomorrow at the regal in lakewood, just a little north. go to for the scoop/poop/whoopdeedoop on the greatest living frontman (since little richard is retired, that is...).
and now it's time for me to go read books & play some joplin & later, when the sun wanes some, pull weeds in the lovely luster of eve. :D
(ps - when i was a young person, i had great interest in things morbid & little interest in animals & poetry. so glad the poles have flipped! here are some poems i read yesterday, some new to me, some not. hope you love them, too! invictus IF the thousandth man a prayer a psalm of life )

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

just don't feel like writing lately!

feeling very mellow.
in the distance down in the holler across the way a person is singing, or rather, howling an impassioned song in spanish. :)
the cat came to visit this morn, silky, long-bodied, tawny thing, & lapped up a little milk. yesterday, my favorite visiting black dog wiggled & leaped & wagged his way into the house; i cobbled together some grub for him, he slurped it up hungrily, then actually jumped up on the couch, the sweet wild thing, finally bolting out the door on to more adventures.
that's about it except i wish you could hear this guy yowling. it's kind of funny & wonderful.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

el viento encantado y blablablablabla

- the most enchanted breeze is emanating through the window, too magical even to be well-described! few things to me are as transcending as a clean cool current of air...
- it's a lazy, calm day up here, as are many up here. such a nice contrast to the busy, beautiful, invigorating, maddening city!
- last night i became bothered & preoccupied remembering a linguistics class i took many lifetimes ago, taught by an african woman i remember as having cast many a stern glance my way (probably cause i rarely went to class & when did, was always loaded)... i can recall through the fog of time & the fog i then lived in that the class was interesting. dammit! why did i have to be intoxicated all the time back then so that i didn't actually learn more??? after a lot of poking around online, i found this rather neat overview: articulatory phonetics ... i love how the physical mechanisms of speech are described in terms that actually seem to equate my human utterances w/the works of an engine. makes me feel kinda like the terminator -- all of us hairless apes who speak, for that matter. then i think of the cgi-heavy latest planet of the apes movie, so expensive, like so many bloated hollywood films, that entire countries could be fed & rescued w/commensurate budget. huge fans of the heston originals, we were coolest by the latest one & me, bothered, thinking how youngsters now are seemingly being indoctrinated into identifying w/avatars, w/commercial objects/products...  it's an old madison avenue strategy, sure, but the increasing phenomenon morphing the human self/gaze & inhuman phantasm, commodity: what kind of humans ultimately will be produced by this?
- then i think of... well, you know how the magical magnifying mind can weave & meander, so i'll stop right there.
- yesterday two very nice buddhist ladies drove all the way up here from smoggyland for a chant & a visit & our medical cards arrived in the mail & i went to a good meeting w/kind, earnest ppl & overall, my still-wont is to complain, but do i want to be right or happy? this morn we started reading a book together that used a lot of psychological terms & it just reminded me that if i want to see my life's problems, all i need to do is look in a mirror. same with the solutions. argh!
- i took this pic in the city the other afternoon & it came out artsy-nice, so here i post it. i've never seen anyone who sleeps so handsomely, as anyone who's seen him sleep likely will corroborate... next, a little piano, check my online sales, exercise, read some more, keep doing what i must to keep the infernal coconut from cracking til some magical next career pops up. I AM DONE BEING RETIRED!! I MISS MEANINGFUL WORK!!
- ok, that's all for now, unless you want a nutty but very nice person (me) to come work with you in the areas of music, art, writing, physical/emotional/spiritual work out, or teaching... when i am productively busy, i can almost move mountains! :D

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

don't go, jenny & the phantoms

whoo hoo! i finally found an online video converter could use to upload public domain video footage into windows movie maker! my computer is ancient, so it's taken some doing... so happy! now i can make crude actual videos, instead of the mere "slide shows" (said madeline) i used to be stuck with making due to lack of video footage... i wrote this song about a year ago, if i remember, then recorded it when we lived in southern cal, using sticks & tambourine, book & hand palm for drums. the rhythm's rickety here & there, but this is one of james's favorite songs i've written & it does have a certain visceral oomph, so here it is & hope you enjoy.
here's the video program i found -- it has some creepy pop-ups, but just close them & it won't mess up your computer (least it hasn't this dinosaur -- keeping fingers crossed!) may you have fun w/it, as i just did for the past few hrs! online video converter

what a sad & scary day

- prayers to loved ones of robin williams, as well as us millions, delighted, astounded, moved by his shocking, lightning talent & long-time courage in the face of depression, madness, addictions... he made statements about how much he loved his family, & i relate to love of family keeping one alive. how much pain must he've been in to yet end it all?
- many brilliants live with the comorbid cousins mental illness & addiction, yet live long, full lives. some learn to transmute trauma, sadness, madness into creative passion; positive, productive lust for life; a mission to help others who struggle! if you are brilliantly creative (or, like me, merely average) & also nuts &/or down-down-down, you can make it to the end of this life in one piece... moreover, you can survive & even thrive, showing those who also suffer how to want to go on living. you have a purpose, even when life hurts... maybe especially when it does!! you can be uniquely helpful to people who get the blues, whose brains are on fire, who don't fit in.
- we must never, never, never give up, even when role models like williams might seem to have!!!!
- requiescat en pace, bright flame.

Monday, August 11, 2014

jennycast two

am filming these w/ancient equipment in a language style opposite of how i write this blog. i edit & revise the blog obsessively quite often, trying to mow it down to EXACTLY what i mean, a lot of times trying to figure out what the crap i DO mean -- for the vodcasts, i'm just practicing talking off the cuff. between now & the next one, i must look up synonyms for "intriguing," i think!... anyways, hope you glean some reading or other good ideas from this.

Friday, August 08, 2014


in the pixar animation classic UP, is dug the greatest screen depiction ever of a dog? i think so... helping sister clean her office the other day, i stumbled on a photo of one of my former dog-children as an innocently adorable sleeping pup & a sob caught in my throat... at a meeting, a young man last night shared how he knows he must stay sober cause of his little son, how he can't go more than a few days w/o him or he just misses him too much & he knows he needs to be a good dad for the boy & our friend brahma wagged, "yeah, i feel that way about lakshmi [his dog]" to which the young man replied, "f**k you, brahma!" & all laughed... what i'm getting at is, yes, i miss my dogs very much, but they are DOGS, & if i turn my eyes away from this screen for only a moment, i can watch a dumb little squirrel booking it up the mountainside, fat tail spinning, & basically remember that fundamentally i have nothing to complain about or feel sorry for myself about... just went thru the grueling process of updating my resume, which always makes me feel both frustrated & proud. externally, i've accomplished a lot of good & solid work in This World, & i hope to accomplish more... while in google drive adding a backup copy, i found a recording i'd made of meade lux lewis's "honky-tonk train." it was my phone message for a blink until i heard it was blasting out people's ears & took it off. hearing it made me think how i'll get chagrined by my (to me)  plodding, all-thumbs playing (james says i'm cursed to know some of the world's greatest boogie-woogie pianists, then unrealistic cause i compare myself to them!)... but then sometimes i love being a sort-of pedestrian left-handed barrelhouse pianist, for tho i lack the finesse & licks of many a righty, i can steamroll the rhythm-boogie hand, which feels great, like a beautiful grueling endurance sport -- like a very fast & elegant runner versus a steadily-chugging long-distance jogger. yes, my playing's not fancy, but i can rock that 12 bar honky-tonk rockabilly-boogie thing for quite a long while before i'm worn out! and again, it feels swell... know what i mean, jellybean?: riding yourself to the edge, then driving further, onward, upward, no stopping, til the end & past... i'm sure james'd have a succinctly colorful & obscene way of putting it, but he's napping, so that's what i got for now... when you think you're done, maybe there's more: keep on pushing!
- well, that's more than enough... gotta finish reading those books so can make another blablapodcast... HAPPY FRIDAY!

Thursday, August 07, 2014

"it was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."

(bet this is a repost... but i like this pic of us reading together)
pains me to say i know nothing more from the above classic, tho dickens' christmas carol is one of my top 10 most favorite novels ever (well, actually it's a novella). tale of two cities is not among them, but i do have a pile of no less than 30 books am reading/should read; will report next on this blog w/an updated jennycast once have gotten thru the two am working on currently.
was gonna write about the sheers, cliffs, plateaus, ascents, soars, swoops, plunges, & sweeping joys of this past week but am too tired, so blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla
that just will have to suffice for now.
may you all who be reading be well.
anyone reading anything, for that matter: readers, be well.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

"therrrrr goanna put me in the movies..."

no, not me, but someone the other night told james, "you could be a movie character!" he had just met karling's beau johnny tong & they were scrapping & circling around the parking lot like jets & sharks, if jets & sharks were fun-loving maniacs who talked trash & rumbled to entertain themselves & everyone around... james, johnny & karling ALL could be movie characters, i think. johnny is an unusual person for us to get to meet: an accomplished performer (magician in the sideshow tradition, featured on ripley's, for instance, sticking a snake up his nose), wingnut (firing up his eyes & laughing wildly to match james), & productive member of society somehow (he & karling do magic shows for children every morning!). "johnny is just so crazy & wild," she said, "people either get him or they don't -- they either love him or hate him!" i smiled; i do know this one. :)  her johnny, of whom we used to perform a song i didn't know was about HIM, is about our age but looks much younger -- he's chimpanzee strong & lean, & karling's lovelier than ever, i thought, seeming much happier. yes, they were so nice & fun to hang out with, a strikingly attractive match as i write reminding me of one time when art fein described seeing lux & ivy walking out of the movies in so-cal: "they cut quite a figure."
 i quit karling's band back in '12, when james's & my romance was in its initial roaring bonfire (now a steady, hearty hearth, thank you, good universe), but i've missed her & regretted having had to quit, hoping all along her new love & life were a comforting fit for her. there were parallels, i thought, between what happened romantically in her life & mine, so i'm very happy for her, & for me & james, too! :D
omnia vincit amor! ... et amor gignit amorem!
here are some pictures of my british friend & me as well as my handsome husband & his "new brother," who apparently is in the giant head club with james & me. (mom & dad always consoled me this way: "big head, big brain." since angie & karling have normal-sized heads but are both very intelligent, i don't know if i buy this, tho i appreciate the love behind the sentiment.) one thing i know: a big head, better seen from the back row, is the head of a performer, so i'm glad we have them! :D well, i'm nearly 47 years old today... good gravy! time to go get ready for visiting family.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

superior, inferior: there's plenty in between, wouldn't you know...

... have been doing a lot of step work writing this a.m. on how superiority & perfectionism are basically just the addict mind's way of seeking immediate gratification (actually, the thought came from a hazelden title, the presence at the center)... such determinations are easy to make, where products are concerned, & james's computer definitely is superior to mine! i use it now as he's in his last moments of slumber to quickly update this blablablog. soon it'll be time to get up & hit the road!
mama had the perfect 70th birthday party. i could just tell, as it transpired, from her smiling face as well as the ease & happiness of events, it was exactly what she wished for! (-- tho 20 degrees cooler would've been nice for all...) yesterday eve, we had such a fun trip home, meandering & exploring, like i used to when i first moved to the mountain. so much to see in the smoggy south valley!, if at the least the expansive order of lovely agricultural fields: the beautiful darkly dancing grapevines, stalwart armies of corn, burstingly, cheerfully green alfalfa, mysterious soft fields of flowers resembling roses, except stinky (james hopped out on a lonely road to pluck one for our investigation; mom & dad soon will tell us what is the variety; we figure they're planting them in abundance lately bc they must drink little water... we in california are in severe drought, you know!) add to all this a grocery emporium entertaining as an amusement park (really!), an ice cream cone, a truck stop spilling w/american roadside culture, ranch homes & farm homes & barns, silos, dairy cows, cactus & palm fields, melancholy old trees, grand golden mountains, well, there was so much to experience & enjoy on that trip home, & don't you find yourself so often happily surprised by the small beauties this life has to offer?
- some pix: two joyous veterans (oh, how would it be to be 89 years old if one could be as mentally agile & well-preserved as family friend don?); mama, lovely on her special birthday, surrounded by loved ones galore; james sampling tortillas heck a mano; & how i wish i'd bought myself one of these aprons when we took a family trip to paris many years back... angie said i got one for her & mama at that time, but i don't remember a thing, typically, except know now i sure like the apron: it made me feel like i belonged & not think as much about the piano, how i wasn't sitting at it playing, as we spent all a.m. in the kitchen in tortilla & enchilada assembly lines...
who'd think that cooking could be fun?? life: a continuing journey of revelation, i tell ya...
well, there's plenty more to blab about, but i'm just hoping i'll be able to stick to the personal plan i just wore out my hand writing about: compassionate detachment, remembering we all are boddhisattvas of the earth, that i control this world no more than a flea on a log captains the log along a river; to be aware, accepting, take contrary action, blablablablabla, etc etc etc (ps - tonight, sat. july 26, is benefit for candye kane at don the beachcomber on pch in sunset/huntington beach, ca, 7:30-11:30 pm, hosted by whiteboy james & barry g... come on out, if you'll be in the neighborhood! my old bandleader karling will be there, & i look forward to saying hello to her as well as to laura chavez, guitar wunderkind, & my old friend candye, the most dedicated stone-cold womb-to-tomb woman purveyor of song that i ever have had the pleasure of knowing!)

Thursday, July 17, 2014

jennycast uno

critique & addendum one day after posting the above: wish i'd combed my hair. wish i'd cut my hair! wish i'd smiled more. wish the song had higher volume. overall, tho, this is what i'll do, i think, riffing from general idea. corrections: i was going to post the poems to this blog (not video) & williams is mama's favorite PLAYWRIGHT.... onward, here's a terrific article about maria bamford -- my highly-recommended quick read: the weird, scary & ingenious brain of maria bamford ... in the '80s, many humans receiving mental health support had the rugs ripped out from under them. in the past decade, an increasingly interracial culture as well as gender advocacy efforts have greatly de-stigmatized issues of race & sex -- compare it to when i was in high school in the '80s: gays were "bashed" by the football team & the races at school were strictly delineated, causing my biracial sister & i considerable alienation.... i remember w/delight when as a teacher i started noticing the student rosters morphing as interracial kids appeared more & more: brittany rodriguez; shenieka schwartz; cody gonzales; etc... anyways, back to the point: i'm hopeful that increasing acceptance now is happening on the mental health front. 30 years ago, andy kaufman was considered brilliant, but also a train wreck:  hollywood didn't know what to do w/him. 30 years later, maria bamford is breaking out into stardom, better understood & therefore receiving the recognition her unusual talent deserves. groups like NAMI, WWP, media attention to TBI & acceptance & even adoration of performers like bamford, i hope, all evidence a movement of healing.
i watched the documentary last night of two minds, about bipolar "disorder": to paraphrase, "that ['crazy'] person is your sister. that person is your mother. that person is your husband, your friend." that person is you. that person deserves to be accepted, not rejected, supported, not abandoned.
(she now steps down from soapbox to go do the dishes.)

Sunday, July 13, 2014

bad dreams, sore back, bit of crumbcake

- i woke this morning to a stupid bad dream brought on, i'm sure, by pain from stupid hurt back & maybe that 1/4 bag of salt-&-pepper popcorn i ate last night while passing out to the smithsonian channel... reminded me of a very weird short film by winsor mccay (creator of little nemo in slumberland, so visually strange & brilliant, please, if you've never read or seen them, look them up -- not the animated movie, but the beautiful & bizarre strips by mccay!) -- the short is about a monster created from nightmare brought on by dyspepsia... let me see if i can find it...
- great jumping jehoshaphat! here it is! the internet is ever-astounding; so much for the hours, days, months, years of research it once took to locate a rare fact or eureka of information: here is that film, & hope you will watch it! dreams of the rarebit fiend... i spose in cases of more intense, high level, or arcane academic research, like the kind dad or alicia do, one still has to dig & dig & dig & maybe ever-dig to get answers that maybe never come... never give up, noble research nerds!! never surrender!!
- anyways, i'm just taking a break from yardwork cause tho i so love to be out in the clean air & breeze under the happy sunlight in the gigantic yard raking & hoeing & hacking & whacking & smacking (just kidding; little roy brown ref, you know), my back's been hurting, so have to measure my fuel expenditure so the engine doesn't crack... nothing much more except as i worked & enjoyed the breeze, pausing for a sec to look up & see someone from the fellowship drive by, look up, then keep driving w/o a flicker of recognition, i thought, it's almost like i'm in disguise when i'm not in makeup & a dress. then i thought of the other night at james's show when a nice man said, "i love your hair... but what do you call your makeup? is that goth?" his girlfriend slapped him lightly & laughed, "no, stupid, she's not GOTH!" and i mumbled something, & he reiterated, "but i really love your HAIR!" and when i had walked away, i remembered: bride of frankenstein.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

the shepherd, the boatman & the king

 here's the pic of us i mentioned below... just for balance's sake, here's a pic of the delightful cake my friends on the mountain made me for my sobriety birthday! it reminded me of when i was a teacher & would get student drawings, lovingly wrought, of each child artist's envisioning of me. all are such gifts, to be treasured for as long as my memory can hold them. :)
just was stretching my tweaked back & listening to an audio on roku buddhist channel from sakya trizin. what moved me was a different way of looking at compassion i'd never considered, the concept of boddhicittra -- found this page online w/elaboration, & hope you'll find it interesting:  six causes for one effect ... a wonderful event tonight will be whiteboy james & the blues express at shenanigan's in long beach, ca -- the last show of his i enjoyed there was so neat -- many strollers by, tourists & europeans, stopped to gawk & laugh & revel in james's amazing showmanship, singing, playing, & overall star power! don't miss it, if you're in the area... shenanigan's, 423 shoreline village dr, long beach, ca 90802

Thursday, July 10, 2014


Oh, I am exhausted, listening to drunken voices on city street below. So grateful to be supine. Thought we were all done moving, but noooooo...oh, my aching feeeeet!!!..
 I know this: am done w bargain hunting for a while! So much stuff... too many possessions... such a golden problem, maybe a western problem... maybe a hoarder problem!!! My 19th sobriety bd went so nicely from the moment I woke til I hit the bed that nite. So grateful to be clean & sober cause i'd be doomed otherwise. At the large, happy family party, we took a great bathing suit pic, triple photobombed most hilariously by cheeky family. Brother Doug says he will put it on their Christmas card, but 1st he has to Photoshop black bars over James's impressive pecs & physique. As bawdy as he is onstage, my husband is very private personally, as am I, tho I'm not bawdy (just like short hems). We took this pic facing ultra-bright flash tonight, the final wbjbe Wed at Harvelle's. All were delighted when Max Bangwell showed up to play a set. Scarecrow-gaunt, Max still is the most entertaining, creative & solid drummer I've ever watched or seen. It was wonderful to see him in action as well as witness the love radiating between these friends. Well, hubby is back, so time to sign off for now . (Picture later - too confusing, puzzling how to add it from phone using hunt-peck method. Where is a teenager at times like this?)

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

together again...

-> taking a break from unpacking... this whole moving week's been an exhausting blur of backbreaking labor, mental strain, frustration, sitting around waiting, fatigue-induced blubbering spells, & the payoff -- exploring & hanging out w/my husband last night, a time of fun, elation, freedom, romance & possibility. what a mix! what a rollercoaster! and we're coming off this ride worn-out but just fine, even exhilarated & ready to ride more. stronger, safer, & more alive! thank you, james... (refer to ike & tina song)
-> a song keeps waltzing around my brain & it brought up memories... i wonder if the older i get, the more memory takes over til if i'm not watchful, i'm permanently lost in it, not present cause the mental hard drive's so filled up w/data? hope not; hope to stay awake & alive; hope the ever-thickening panoply of remembrances will add layers of life-experiences allowing ever-deepening wisdom & appreciation rather than drooling absent-mindedness... please tell me you think about this stuff, too???
-> anyways, many lives ago in bakersfield, i was in the employ of a country-western tv star-singer who called me up to his office cause he heard thru his son i played piano. he asked if i wrote songs & at that time i had a grand total of two -- didn't start songwriting much til a few yrs after i sobered up. i was too intimidated to play anything in front of the old man -- even tho the beautiful grand in the office did provoke in me a longing, i was a crappy musician in those days & knew it. i was way more interested in getting loaded than playing piano, & while i've always been able to plunk out melodies & could even then, blind drunk or high, i couldn't coordinate my hands to do anything even a bit more technical, tho i would try sometimes. how embarrassing to recall the faces of puzzled friends trying to be polite, no doubt thinking to themselves, i thought she said she could play piano? and maybe even, oh g*d, she sucks!! she must be cracked to have said she knew how to play!! ...ah, my delusional, idiotic youth!  :D
-> anyways, back to the story, years later i was told that the old man's office was bugged so he could steal songs, which now that i type it, sounds kinda paranoid, but the old man was both a really good & really terrible guy, from my experience & understanding, both philanthropic & downright mean, so maybe it was true... i've heard stories since about other artists of high repute, some of my musical heroes, even, who rip off songs from others. so disappointing, but i guess laziness & greed (& possibly desperation from creative drought) of this kind is part of some human's nature... even if that human's a million-record seller!
-> my old friend ruben, late of east la's the blazers, told me to do a poor man's copyright after i finally put out my 1st batch of songs in the early '00s -- "then if someone steals one of your tunes & makes money on it, you go after 'em!" he said, grinning. what you do is, you record your compositions, seal them in an envelope, then mail them back to yourself, leaving the package unopened. i did it, & one tune DID get recorded... my payment? i got a CD containing the guy's version of the song. the rest of the songs i've written, hundreds of them, sit in drawers & boxes around here. yeah, i'm sure not getting rich off songwriting, but on the other hand i still've got the creative satisfaction of having written them as well as the considerable pleasure & gratitude of knowing this desire lives in me & continues to produce... do what you love, love what you do...
-> anyways, i keep thinking of one of buck owens' lovelier songs as i unpack, wondering now if he even wrote it, & if he didn't, who did? did someone someplace write these lyrics, then get ripped off by mister o? if so, i hope their pride in having written something beautiful soothes the what-must-be horrible pain of having a baby stolen...
-> together again / my tears have stopped falling / the lone, lonely nights / are now at an end / the key to my heart / you hold in your hand / and nothing else matters / we're together again / together again / my gray skies are gone / you're back in my arms / back where you belong / the love that we knew / is living again / and nothing else matters / we're together again
-> ok, back to unpacking... may you have a day, & then another, & then another... :)

Saturday, June 28, 2014

well, look there: it's a well!

look what dad & james found yesterday, day one of the Big Move! we were so happy to see mom & dad, & vice-versa. dad loves to work outdoors, like i do now, too: he relishes every chance to dig holes, climb hills, pull down branches, plant & cultivate gardens & landscaping, chop, hammer, saw, drill, get his hands in the soil, work on vehicles, build things, etc., & james, being from the city but w/lots of rural hard-work experience in his youth, seems to, also:  i was happy they found this well/cistern & together got it opened up. how mysterious, i think! a well! such a thing, seemingly out of nowhere! wonder if we'll ever discover its story?

traffic from so-cal was just absolute garbage-crap, so i was so grateful to get here on the mountain to not just beautiful, peaceful skies & scenery, but mom & dad w/table of picnic gourmet meal, courtesy of mama. we're about 40% toward starting this new life-chapter at this point, & it's been a buttload of work!, so i'm doing what i did when a teacher nearing each school-year-end: projecting my brain ahead one week to the end of this move, when it will all be in the past, merely a grueling memory of bruises, bumps, sore muscles & tired cranky thoughts. my  hoped-for outcome? a relaxing Home of creativity, peace, fun & growth, away from the city, which is great to visit, but also great to depart! .. speaking of cool cities, unable to sleep well, i watched  another episode of anthony bourdain's travel show, this one about tangier, which looks like the quintessence of the intriguing, mysterious escape! i couldn't sleep due to a stupid fire ant bite that kept me up near-all night. how could something so small hurt so badly?? look up schmidt ant bite pain scale for humorous description of such excruciating experiences...
well, the computer crashed & erased the rest of what i had written, so guess it wasn't that important... may your home be where your heart is, & may you avoid fire ants, wherever the dastardly, infernal, blasted, angry little bast*rds may may be! (ps - tonight, don't miss whiteboy james & the blues express at the regal inn in lakewood, ca... all good people are invited... heck! everyone's invited: good, bad, & ugly! come out & enjoy some great music doled out by the best front man on this planet...)

Sunday, June 22, 2014


- (i was going to post this yesterday, the longest day of the year, but i fell asleep.)
- how about a short essay about physical attraction? after all, this is the longest day of the year, marking the beginning of summer, season of fecundity (or, wait, that's spring: oh well; i don't want to rewrite this entire post)...
- here's a pic of my legs. james bought me the designer gold shoes.
- i'd rather have my sister's legs -- slimmer, longer. but mine are strong & muscular & have served me well. yes, i post here my legs, self-objectifying / self-centered, maybe, but you know what? i'm proud of them. many 100s of thousands of squats, lunges, burpees, calisthenics, asanas, hikes, & jogs have formed these legs (plus genetics)...
- the gams are in part what attracted my husband to me, he has said. in my experience, males generally are more (i don't use this word pejoratively, please know) fetishistic than females, drawn by body parts -- some say men in general are more "visual," but i've read it's due to the straight male's instinctual link to Mother. all human creatures have that bond-instinct, of course, but hetero women are less apt to objectify men physically because their initial survival attachment to mother is same-sex, therefore not eroticized. (yech - don't know why i don't like that word except my family always has been so very, very proper, meaning close-mouthed about issues of sexuality.) in straight men, when the comfort of Mother is removed, especially if prematurely, physical longing can result. for instance, i knew a guy in bakersfield who actually would say, his wife standing there chuckling, he was a "boob guy" cause "my mom's stacked." yech! but at least he was being honest... yes, talking just of straight males, some are chest men, some like long hair, some like rear ends. some -- like james -- are classier when describing what they find attractive while others are grosser, even degenerate, even scary. all women know it happens: as you go through life as a female person, you meet creeps. i relate it to how here & there, you can't help it, you step in dog poop.
- james said he liked my smile, too, the happy & sincere smile i know i got from my folks. (not the joker smile i use to keep my personal space protected.) i thought that was sweet of him, to be drawn to that. even though james can be foul-mouthed & tough as bullets, his comment reminded me of my dad & what a gentlemanly not-pig, a noble man, dad's always been...
- i have my definite "type," too, so maybe i'm a little like a dude that way. it can be a hazard, though: i've  been in several major car crashes due to being overwhelmed by initial attraction -- my friend denise decades ago described  it as "toxic chemicals," so in addition to looks, there's the pheromone thing, too.  it's always disturbed me that, once i like how a fellow looks, i can be drawn even more by the smell of booze radiating from his pores -- however, i AM an alcoholic, even if in arrest for now-almost 19 years. please know i'm not swooning in the wake of every drunk male wafting past -- far from it. and i'm aware of the nature of the allure of that smell: it's just me being a drooling drunk. even after all these years. my body still wants a drink -- further proof that, today, i must not imbibe.
- in general, when women point out a guy as being "hot" or attractive, i don't get it. it's especially weird when a woman my age points out a younger man -- probably cause i was a teacher for so many years; young men (generally anyone under late-30s) look to me like students. and males attracted to young women? yes, youth can be aesthetically appealing, but any attraction beyond that is revolting & probably indicating pedophile tendencies... yech. go away, pervert.
- yes, i recognize that many human forms are artistically pleasing or "attractive" by societal standards, but definitely i am not in general attracted to 99.9% of humans "in that way." the human form can be as beautiful as a sunset, mountain, work of art (the first known sculpture was of "the lovers," two figures in embrace, from neolithic times). but that certainly does not mean that any human should be treated like or mounted like an object. no way.
- all of this blabbing doesn't even get in to personality. how many attractive people have YOU encountered who, once you started talking to them, were dumb as dirt, boring, arrogant, pretentious, presumptuous, superficial, crazy in a not-fun way, mean, prejudiced, or otherwise lacking in the human being department? -- so finding that one person who has the right combination of physical appeal & personality, well, if you love such a person, consider yourself blessed. and hold on tight, though not so tight that you choke the life out of the poor sucker. (if you have this tendency, go to al-anon!)
- i have been very, very, very comforted these past two years that i am attracted to & devoted to james only, & no one else even makes a blip on my radar. and i'm not even keeping my eyes downturned, fighting to avoid temptation: there IS no temptation. truly this is sign of the goodness of the universe, in my opinion, & encouragement that a person (even me) can move toward moral improvement... it's healthy progress for me, even if i'm still a nutbag in many other ways.
- i'm thinking my job & yours (should you undertake it) is to look honestly at those nutbag/shadow parts & learn to love them so they can stop rearing their horrid heads, may be transformed into something positive, &, best scenario, may be used to help another human feel less alone & dreadful. ("oh, haha! you think YOU were jealous? get a load of THIS!" or  "oh, you think YOU were a bad partner? well -- whew! -- wait til you hear what EYE did one time!")
- the key: "awareness, acceptance, action" -- thank you, carla.