an important message...

(EXCESSIVE EXCLAMATION POINTS AHEAD)
if you're reading this, you are alive. stay that way!!! it ain't gonna last forever!!  life might not have gone or be going how you wish it would, but know you have a reason to be here. what is it? i don't know: i'm not you!!! -- probably something to do with helping other living creatures!!
our meeting tonight was about the difficulty of living in the middle. so many of us "first world" human folks have trouble just living. not only is our commodity culture immoral & corrupt, built to make us all feel bad if not on the treadmill of consumption, but not everyday's fireworks! or a parade! or lollipops & laughter! or hahaha, lalala!
things don't always go my way or yours!!
it's not so bad to sit in the modest, humble, homely middle way. most of life is like that, in fact. it's ok to be ok. i don't have to be either exceptional or a piece of dogsh*t. i don't have to act like a teenager or try to cling to immature dramatics. most hues in the palette of creation aren't black or white. the prudent way is to get to "the middle of the herd," as steve c used to say. the other elephants can't hold me up when i'm low if i'm out at the edge or off by myself. "no man is an island." etc etc etc etc etc. blablablablabla. you get da picktcha.
go forward & live.

what a sad & scary day

- prayers to loved ones of robin williams, as well as us millions, delighted, astounded, moved by his shocking, lightning talent & long-time courage in the face of depression, madness, addictions... he made statements about how much he loved his family, & i relate to love of family keeping one alive. how much pain must he've been in to yet end it all?

- many brilliants live with the comorbid cousins mental illness & addiction, yet live long, full lives. some learn to transmute trauma, sadness, madness into creative passion; positive, productive lust for life; a mission to help others who struggle! if you are brilliantly creative (or, like me, merely average) & also nuts &/or down-down-down, you can make it to the end of this life in one piece... moreover, you can survive & even thrive, showing those who also suffer how to want to go on living. you have a purpose, even when life hurts... maybe especially when it does!! you can be uniquely helpful to people who get the blues, whose brains are on fire, who don't fit in.

- we must never, never, never give up, even when role models like williams might seem to have!!!!

- requiescat en pace, bright flame.

 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............

- i'm back on the mountain, breathing an  exhalation of relaxation... what a week! graduation congratulations to james page jr, soon off to college in colorado! so many things happened while i was gone, hard to keep em straight. i don't know when i've ever seen so many cool places on such a short trip w/such a mind full of crap! oh well; long as we're not pushing up daisies, we always can revisit those places, & long as we get to be highly creative & talented & intelligent ( yeah, that might sound stuck-up, but it's TRUE!! - maybe of you, too, eh? :D ), i guess the flipside is mood swings, which i'm learning to deal w/better, thanks to garnering new & improved tools & my husband's help (i believe i help him, too)... tho they still hit, blast it!!... we visited el cariso village near lake elsinore, then one of my favorite spots in one of my favorite towns, the desert hot springs spa hotel, plus DHS's gypsyland & cabot pueblo museum (which was closed, dang it!). under a full moon, we motored up to westerny pioneertown, ca to catch phil & dave alvin's big bill broonzy show at the rustic & happening nightspot pappy & harriet's, & i couldn't believe it: as we drove in, people were streaming out. we'd just missed the whole show!! argh!! anyways, we got to say hi to phil, then walk the cool grounds under beautiful night sky  before hitting the road back to DHS; it was important that we'd shown up, since phil'd been nice enough to put james+1 on the list, & we did, so that's just how it all went down... next day james took us to a terrific spot i'd never been called tio's tacos in riverside, ca, w/delicious food & the most eye-popping collection of vernacular art i've ever seen in one place. i told james, through my depressed fog (which i guess will always hit, long as i'm in this life!), i was amazed cause i've spent decades traveling all over the country to see art like that, & there it was all in one spot, even more than at the primitive & folk art museum in DC. "that's why i brought you here," james said plainly... the food was quite good, too, & the vibe at 1st reminded me of austin, but even austin's got no place w/that volume of bizarre, beautiful, grotesque artwork. we have to go back sometime soon when we're both firing on all cylinders... back at the OC apt, i did all the cleaning i could before needing to get back here to prep to leave again for father's day in kern county tomorrow...
- if you're in the LA area, tomorrow will be a benefit for james's blues express drummer, max bangwell, who is ill but in high spirits, still tripping the lights fantastic, always photographed w/a big smile... the venue changed, so check online for details... speaking of big smiles, above's a pic i took of us at P&H's, using my new fancyshmancy bargain-of-a-phone. my arm is getting to be a seasoned photo feature, i'll tell you!
- happy father's day tomorrow to our dear, sweet, smart, strange, wonderful dad as well as to james,  brother-in-law doug, & all/any of you worthy of the title "father"...oh my gosh!!! a beautiful deer just trod gently by, walking on the side of the hill opposite this window, only about 25 feet away!! so grateful for moments like this!! and now, due to new F-S phone, i can show you a facsimile of what i just saw... :D

it says here...

"the average unmarried female 
Basically insecure 
Due to some long frustration may react 
With psychosomatic symptoms 
Difficult to endure 
Affecting the upper resperatory tract." (frank loesser, guys & dolls)
wow - while looking up  those lyrics, which apply, too, to the female/male of any marital status whose "long frustration" is the effort of living in one's own brain, i found this website: www.rhymebrain.com 
james & i have respective conditions that are at times -- gee: how to put it? -- a bit troubling, an inconvenience, a pain, yes; horrible, tragic, horrifying, perhaps; a test of one's mettle, surely; our crosses to bear, i could describe them, what w/easter upcoming (gee, that sounded crass, maybe); but why write a book about it all now?... the upswing is lots of creativity, so there's always two sides to the coin.
how many more cliches can i pack in these paragraphs?
just an hour ago i was braced very poorly against the tsunami of emotion that hits me like it's my last breath on earth, feeling these churning, roiling waves of despair, futility, hopelessness, helplessness, the same waves that have hit me since i was a child, when james suddenly said, you could be happy about this.
why? i asked.

well at least i'm happy, he says, when people think i'm pretending to have my condition, when they say i'm faking it. i stopped sniffling and listened. "that means they think i'm better than i really am. they think i'm more ok than i am. so maybe i am more ok than i think i am.
"think about it that way," he said.
i heard a touching doggerel at a meeting monday & as i jogged the other night, it served as a quite-nice mantra:
"two inmates looked out from the prison window bars
one looked down & saw mud,
the other up & saw stars." all this stuff, once cynicism & arrogance have been mowed aside by Life, help to retrain the blackened mind... let's keep them coming.

myoho is in you

i found out one of my friends wrote a book for children by the above title. very cool. "myoho," if you don't know, is part of a buddhist chant...
other than that, i'm just trying to keep respirating & remembering there's purpose in this life-thing, which i guess one view of is summed up above...
how bout you?
tomorrow night is to be my return to opening for james & the blues express... at least for now cause tony lopez will be drumming & he knows my baby set. i hope someday to get back to playing lots of songs, furiously, til i can't stand up & could well-die from the exhilaration fury beauty of pounding, slamming, unstoppable, unsinkable, gorgeous american music.
i spoke to manuel today (big manny) & we commiserated about how frustrating it is trying to find musicians who play the music right as well as how much we miss playing & what he called "the rock n roll life." someday i will settle regularly into being a sideman, & i hope one of the ones i back will be manuel cause playing w/him is like a dream -- everything fits w/him & his repertoire is authentic & soulful & dedicated & kinda crazy/silly but very deeply respectful to the canon...
well, crap, that's about it for now. if you've ever liked what i do onstage, i'll be there tomorrow & i will be pounding it out w/goal of being unable to stand when done, hoping to spread & experience some joy & transcendence as well as soothe this evil thing between my ears...

he has been called "mrs jenny," so this wording seemed fair.

we'll drink a cup of kindness yet for auld lang syne...

- this new year's eve carried an unprecedented barge of myriad emotion. someone whom many love was taken suddenly, seriously ill yesterday &, hospitalized, had to be replaced last-second. sadness pervaded the evening, & continues! a couple whom we love dearly reunited, but rome wasn't built in a day, & repairs & renovations, undergoing, take time. yes, at times like these, of sadness, confusion, tragedy, it's easy maybe, or old habit, to just check out. but we can't ever give up! never! think of the 1000 poems, metaphors, aphorisms that urge thusly: always keep trying, for who wants the alternative? not me! at least not right now! the grave certainly awaits us all… why court its cold comfort now?
- the elliots showed up last night, full of sober cheer, two happy peas in a pod.
me: how are you guys?
james e: not dead yet!
me: not pushing up daisies!
(we all laugh cause we all have known hell, especially james & james, i think, & none of us live there these days 'cept when those bad chemicals flood our brains or we choose to…)
- yes, the whole month of december, good riddance to you! as for january, this was the time of yr when we first met, at the elvis show in 2010, when james looked in my eyes & said, "do you feel it, too? is it just ME?" & something in my heart when ker-FLUNK! this also is the time of yr when we found each other again. i pronounce, declare, & fervently hope that this is the time of year when the sadness of winter can turn toward new promise. solstice has passed; we're heading now into a new light. what do you say? :D
- last night at eclectic & mysterious house of hayden, where james played for NY eve, i got to sit with marshall, the gentlemanly tough-guy & james's dear & devoted friend, & friendly, bubbly tessie, of whom james always delights, "she kissed eddie!" (his beloved & long-gone brother). i was so touched to receive a book, signed by tom shadyac, from beautiful bobbi, nicholas, donna, & rick. wow! such thoughtful kindness: thank you to you all! ... john b & i  laughed & yelled out swears of joy as james honked out thrilling & amazing, rip-roaring harmonica & singing; the whole while, his gal monique never missed a step in her smiling dance reverie, dressed to the 9s, an amazonian marilyn who is one part snoopy… we heard that a huge show with heavy cover nearby was pretty empty that night, so we were happy that house of hayden was pretty full to packed all night long! dave & jackie had to be pretty happy with the way the show turned out, & at midnight, the establishment graciously passed out champagne flutes to all (tho i didn't get to drink mine, oh well; i got to stay sober one more new year's!) & dropped a net of multicolored balloons & sparkly things at the stroke of 12. yes, dave hayden knows how to make a thing beautiful, for sure, with his keen artsy eye and attention to details…
- today has turned into a promising beginning for a new year: we have been ultra slugs with no worry of rushing off to do anything, jamesjr showed me his new ginormous television, we all had pizza, i've been reading my book, & that's about it except for posting this blog. here are some pix from last night; i'm going back to bed now to finish this one (better off by eric brende) before starting that one (life's operating manual by tom shadyac). :)

james's favorite pic of us from new year's eve (from billy f)

thank you, tessie, for capturing this moment!

a moment later, billy folsom took this one. his photos, on Facebook under the page called "dumb biker visions," are worth looking up!

the black dog don't bite me, but he sure likes to sneak up in my lap & try to suffocate me...

sometimes nothing lifts the blues except music. the tough part is, when one's really down low, it's hard to even hear songs in the brain, let alone move the limbs & mouth to make the music happen. i don't know how humans with life-baggage (all of us?) live into ripe old age w/o cleaning out that luggage, throwing out the old stuff that no longer fits or is useful, exposing what's kept to some fresh air or a good warshing... today some sad memories hit me hard & i couldn't avoid or shake them: they hit me like a huge gust of evil wind or a wallop & knocked me flat. james tried to air me out, & we did pick up our kick drum pedal & look at craft store stuff, but i remained knocked flat. it's that underwater, in a  fog, floating & sinking, suffocating, can't hardly stand up can't hold a clear thought thing... back here, fortunately, i was able to get to the piano finally & shake out some songs &

... feel life draining, seeping, slipping back in... again... here's to a new dawn, a new day, the passing of yet another storm, or at least i can see beyond the black on the horiz to when it will pass... here are pix from lately, our beautiful visit w/beautiful family & beautiful mountain town & beautiful retreat place i visited & other life stuff, ah, life life life, while we have it, here's to lapping it up like melted chocolate ice cream or a well-needed quaff of cool cool water.

"i refuse to let our respective mental illnesses keep us from having fun!" -my husband's famous words

...when he pronounced this, as we skipped across some street in the middle of some night after some musical event in some southern california city, probably toward some bar, our hearts sang. of course, the certain difficult moments in life can make one less in a mood to sing... any sane, functioning adult only can live in lalaland so long before reality jumps up and smacks him/her in the face. we are not children, & certainly the honeymoon's not over, & we have been married today one month, & despite some trials (i knew what i was getting into, as did he), i am so glad to be with this man, with his tremendous heart, talent, capacity to love, bravery, crazy brilliance, & desire to change & better himself & us, even if sometimes that desire swells up only after a ton of shi*t's been dropped on us by him or by me... i've never met anyone with whom i could partner like this. it's so powerful, such a force, it scares me when the ride hits a bump, tho i know it must here & there... he knows me, i know him; he needs me, i need him. we are a team. we want to understand each other. that's a big one: no one's ever understood either of us, really... we fall down seven times, we help each other get up eight. we will not be beat, least of all by any demons in our minds, least of all by the detritus of this world; in fact, there is no "most of all" that will defeat us. he is my mad & handsome & genius king, & he says that i'm his kind & beautiful & crazy queen, & if i sound like a cornball, i don't care... regarding tomorrow, i acknowledge "thanksgiving" as a starting line for the european terror & decimation of indigenous peoples here, have felt sorrow regarding that horror, have reconciled my conflict, or at least put it on a back burner, to turn toward celebration with loved ones, which is what i've gotta do to live well & happy; yes, some daily denial of the world's crucial to keep this head out of the oven... anyways, thanksgiving tomorrow will be about my family joining with his in friendship, kindliness, generosity, welcome, & happiness. next year, i hope more of us will celebrate together. for now, i feel realistically grateful. happy holidays to you who might be reading... may you have the love, true love, that we are forging, love that surmounts madness, the world, life, & death.

no, we ain't humpty dumpty: "fall down seven times, stand up eight")...

i think the latter's a chinese proverb, maybe of military or confucian origin (i flat don't know, in other words); the former i wrote cause i knew humpty dumpty for a few yrs, & yes, james & i have broken pieces, but we definitely are putting everything back together again, in fact, stronger than ever we could on our own (he says this is true, too, which is so cool: we're on the same page!)... well, our combined show this wkend (green flyer below)'s cancelled. yes, i had an accident & hurt myself; james says my nickname should be "lumpy"... i'm feeling better & know i'll be ok, tho was pretty concerned two days ago! stupid mortality! re the music, we'll do shows "at our leisure," he says, & tells me not to worry; my health is the most important thing, he says, which is true... can't play well, even if not sick, when anxious & bashed-up like i've been! we saw avengers the other day (one good scene, where hulk smashes loki) & then joked that the jenny superhero action figure would stand there & wring her hands & wail while the james one would detonate like hulk... it's still so refreshing to joke about the darkest sides of us, to acknowledge them & work together to overcome or maybe transmute them. :) ... here's his favorite pic of us; he says we look "buff," & it's really a great pic of him, i'll say. :) i don't feel too buff right now, but after my crash earlier this week, i do feel lucky & glad to not've gotten myself too bashed up physically or mentally... may you who read this be healthy & happy, or

at least one of the two, if you can't have both.

tweedly-deedly-dee, dee-dee-dee-dee...

(rest in peace, don cornelius of soul train. may your suffering have ended w/the pulling of that trigger & may your family have peace sooner than later. depression is a horrid monster. what a way to go.) :(
love the drum part on the song ref'd at top (rockin robin). used to clear out the cal state pub playing that, sea cruise, maybelline. anyone who didn't want to hear those songs should've left, anyhow, & fallen in a deep mudhole... the other day at practice w/karling, cesareo & i switched instrus on a run-thru of jackson; i was terrible, but it was fun. i love the punishing pain of trying to keep the kick drum going, or playing thru as muscles scream at a show; the way we play, esp in dusk devils, is kinda like going for a long jog.
well, the birds have been all over outside today, which is por quoi the original reference. crap - that reminds me i'm sposed to be studying french. going there in april w/becky & fabi to play music & tourist around; amazing! becky even sez i can open the tv show we're gonna do w/fats domino's "blue monday" since she says the studio has that same name...
mind seems to be hopping around a bit. am watching a show on the secrets of the pyramids. reading wonder woman as well as 100 volunteer vacations & 101 foods that will save your life & also rumi & jim thompson. applied to volunteer this summer at the gesundheit institute in WV, that clown hospital run by the great humanitarian doctor who "prostituted" himself to be subject of that maudlin robin wms movie to draw attn to his good cause... wonder if they'll accept me? wonder what tomorrow will bring? wonder wonder wonder wonder won: who wrote the book of love?
had a visitor yesterday & today. we drove in circles & ate at denny's (2-4-6-8 menu is cheaper than cooking, hate to say). i love having visitors. i love being home. i love being gone.
what's up with dusk devils? we've been sick, so will get some percussion personnel soon... gigs are upcoming w/karling & the atomics (KA & her "bakersfield band -- aren't they cute?" she said at last show & inside i winced cause i felt so uncute, but outside i grinned like a chipmunk) & w/becky (cattie ness & revenge) & w/dusk devils, even tho we are flying bassless for the moment... at big's the other night, we opened for big sandy, as i had w/becky the wk before in fresno; the set went well, wild & rowdy, as had the set the wk before w/revenge; KA & atomics practiced beforehand in the dining rm at big's & i almost wiped out the whole table of drinks hitting a volleyball that was for some reason in the rm; then i had a panic attack over my fat arms & karling so kindly cooed, "show me your arm," then, when i'd removed my sweater to show her the ham hock, "why, that's a perfectly nice arm; that's a fine arm," as if she were consoling a child, & in a moment of clarity i realized, stop being so gd self-centered!! this is her show!!! then karling added, "besides, you look like a crazy cat lady, wearing your sweater," but i'd already decided i'd ditch it... during the set, bsp got to sing "jackson" w/karling & i did some don rich on her buck owens songs, in keys so high, i felt i might flip inside out... afterward, cesareo told me about astrology & what'll work or not in my love life (drat!) & bsp & i watched big sandy for a while before hitting the road & then it was 5 am, then 5 pm & i was heading from bako to home in that post-show funk, so took the long way back along southern country roads & came upon a desolate long-abandoned oil company & explored & picked it as the sun set, accidentally disturbing a roosting white-faced owl & roadrunner in two separate bldgs (there were 8 buildings to explore!) & 3 cottontails, too, then i had to bail cause darkness fell, so i walked around the truck stops near the grapevine & by the time i got home, i felt really swell (... long phone call...) well, my friend & i just yakked for a long while, speculating about ancient technology & lamenting the burning of the alexandrian library & he told me about a book he read about joan of arc, sounds interesting, written in 1st person, even, & now i'm out of gas, hoping to catch the bus tomorrow morn cause i'm so sick of driving, so now it's time to watch more roku or read a bit more or hey, here's a novel idea: go to bed. :)
hope you're well, if you've read this far. :) xoxoxoxo

"two pees [sic] in a pod," wrote my cousin... & "unto such a torment the... malefactors were condemned, who reason subjugate to appetite."

what a nice tx trip i had, w/its sultry heat, fecund country roads, flat flat land, fried feasts, scrapping & funny & kind & ribald family interactions, endless air-conditioned drives, & farmland filled w/animals, most lovely for me the jerusalem donkeys jazzy & rosie & the old dog max. yes, we've so much family love out there in tx. i left for the kids a pair of my platform shoes so they can play runway model. in this pic, thomas had given me a tattoo. after that, he, bebe  & i had a wii dance contest (i lost). then my friend, the amazing fireball whiteboy james, invited us to open for his band this wkend. but bass player scotty says he'll be out out of town. then "love" again was agony, agony, agony. the rollercoaster soars, then plunges plunges plunges. i've gone as low as the 5th circle but usually when in h*ll am stuck in the 2nd, blowing around in its violent storm w/no hope of rest or ballast & no virgil to lead the way out... am so grateful to have my folks, for w/o them, i'd never remember the love, the wonderful moments, this precious, fleeting life... all bets would be off.

i know we'll meet again some sunny day

a friend of mine, i think, is suffering. i hope my friend, whom i no longer see, will be better sooner rather than later. let's both & all remember, if possible, that this, too (& all, & everything), shall pass.

here i is, i is here

the hostel clerk is online listening to dervishy sitar music... feel a little swoony, but it might be the abq nm altitude... i opted here @ the rt 66 hostel for the $35 rm instead of $20 dorm bed & my place upstairs (am sitting in common rm/kitchen area to do the net thing) is HUGE!!! - sitting rm w/futon, arched entry leading to bedrm w/2 beds, bay windows, private bath (unusual in a hostel, you know)... it's old & funky. like me. oh; having just finished trauma camp, i know i shouldn't speak of myself in such ways. no more cheap jokes! not for tonight, anyhow. but that one was too good to avoid. :)
what to say about life healing center, santa fe, nm? if you know someone in serious distress, wanting to check out of this life, & can make it happen financially, send them! LHC treats mind-body-spirit, no pill-pushing -- just compassion, education, camaraderie, love, uncovering of core reasons for crippling life problems. from it, i feel new, w/internal partner i never realized was there, skills to be a grown-up w/integrity & dignity, the ability to be genuine & realistic... if i use what i learned & do not magnify, but instead recognize & integrate the dark side.
there's some chance now my insides can match my outsides. obviously, this is a very, very good deal, much more than reprieve from desire to check out, which is all i asked for. this morning i said goodbye to dear stacy (she is commemorated near the women's smoke pit, where she would've been the life of the party), walked the grounds labyrinth for the last time (walked it most days i was there). it's been snowing like crazy, arctic weather in nm unprecedented in 40 yrs. sun-lit ice crystals wafted all around like magic celestial jewels, reminders of the eternal spirit of sky & land... i looked up just as a flock of rose-bellied birds flew over, beautiful brothers & sisters. said bye thru tears to wonderful women. even the men said bye, tho we're not sposed to talk. the true love, not lust or fear-based desire for clinging, was palpable more & more each day. we rooted for each other. i grew to love & respect so many. mama said i was courageous to see i needed help, but i didn't see courage til i met the other ppl @ LHC, staff & clients. self-actualization, authenticity: what a task! achievable, but such hard work! besides gratitude, my middle name now must be vigilance, for to have these skills now is a miracle, & it could be an ephemeral one if i'm not careful...
i could blab on & on, obviously; if you read this & want to know more about LHC, please email me. would love to share more.
being off the grounds felt surreal: walking freely, getting my own meals, window shopping, exploring. the train ride to abq was pleasant, sleepy. checked in to hostel, explored on ft the old downtown abq, saw true grit, ate pizza & drank soda & read the free papers (ken's LHC cooking was good, but oh, to eat non-LHC food!!! wow!!!!) i'll miss my new sisters... but will see them soon. more true friends! more love! amazing.
"when you turn toward the light, the shadows fall away."
as pasha would say, "warmth & kindness to you."

pic of my higher power; all i want's a pepsi (&apiano)

just kidding. sort of.
here are 2 pix from yesterday. i wanted to get more, but mark & randy were drenched in sweat moving gear & then we launched into a marathon music session, but at least i got these. joe on pedal steel,

randy on drums, my friend philbert, mark, it was a draining but gratifying experience. heck, this guy came up & told me, "you know rod piazza & honey? [of course i know OF them, tho i don't know them] well, i thought she was the best female piano player i'd heard til i heard you." good lord - honey learned to play from otis spann records! otis spann! yes, i was grateful for the compliment, & all the ones i & we got. then shantell & i were talking about putting together a female cramps revue for halloween. good gravy! that would be so cool! yes, we are all so lucky to have song, to be wading in the stream of music, as phil alvin said. to be pumping away at my piano & look back & see the guys smiling w/excitement & happiness as we all rode a tune, well, what could be more exhilarating? (can't think of anything at all at this exact moment. not a one.) we were a team, the band & the audience, sharing in a swell rockin exuberant time. wow.
we played for 4 hrs, then quit & i sort of crumbled in exhaustion, but got to go grab a little down-home grub & get to a mtg w/jani & mark & hear gentle jani speak as well as a woman from the pacific group who was witty but left me feeling curiously empty.
then i came home & went insane, as has been happening, but i didn't drink & didn't have to call 9-1-1, so the day was rode out & put up & i got to live one more time. life's scary lately, but i seem to be a survivor, tho only the universe knows in the end, i guess.
today's been a bit brighter: played music at my higher power (see above) & worked on a different approach to the bigbk & listened to wonderful mix cd from art fein & gene taylor sent me a song via email & i got 2 incredible, supportive emails (plus kindly note from af) from people i didn't even think i was that close to, but i sure feel close to, now, for taking the time to help me feel like it's worth it & encouraging me to not give up, & what the heck have i got to be miserable about?????
enemy between my ears, this is no longer dramatically invigorating or an interesting existential dilemma. you are killing me.
the only thing to fear is fear itself, said one of the roosevelts, & fear's been grabbing me by the head lately, grabbing me & swinging me around like some wild demon, jezebeth, pyro, lilith, verin, vetis, asmodeus, argggh... but then the good of the universe returns the music & the love of others & restores hope, at least for now.
the enemy doesn't listen, so it seems imperative to turn all together away from it in surrender & toward the good stuff. (insert biblical quote about evil.) i can see now how the little richards, elvises, & jerry lees believed so fervently in the lord or the devil. the dichotomy gives a seemingly clear-cut reason for these times of madness & despair, the evil of the world. certitude of the origin of this would sure be nice. selfishness & self-centeredness or beelzebub? the latter would be easier to accept. otherwise, i am my own hell.
do believe (again) that where there's life, there's hope. am not pushing up daisies yet. so there is hope, & may there be for you, too... as usual, i don't know what i'm babbling about, so time to go. amor vincit omnia. i hope.