"i refuse to let our respective mental illnesses keep us from having fun!" -my husband's famous words

...when he pronounced this, as we skipped across some street in the middle of some night after some musical event in some southern california city, probably toward some bar, our hearts sang. of course, the certain difficult moments in life can make one less in a mood to sing... any sane, functioning adult only can live in lalaland so long before reality jumps up and smacks him/her in the face. we are not children, & certainly the honeymoon's not over, & we have been married today one month, & despite some trials (i knew what i was getting into, as did he), i am so glad to be with this man, with his tremendous heart, talent, capacity to love, bravery, crazy brilliance, & desire to change & better himself & us, even if sometimes that desire swells up only after a ton of shi*t's been dropped on us by him or by me... i've never met anyone with whom i could partner like this. it's so powerful, such a force, it scares me when the ride hits a bump, tho i know it must here & there... he knows me, i know him; he needs me, i need him. we are a team. we want to understand each other. that's a big one: no one's ever understood either of us, really... we fall down seven times, we help each other get up eight. we will not be beat, least of all by any demons in our minds, least of all by the detritus of this world; in fact, there is no "most of all" that will defeat us. he is my mad & handsome & genius king, & he says that i'm his kind & beautiful & crazy queen, & if i sound like a cornball, i don't care... regarding tomorrow, i acknowledge "thanksgiving" as a starting line for the european terror & decimation of indigenous peoples here, have felt sorrow regarding that horror, have reconciled my conflict, or at least put it on a back burner, to turn toward celebration with loved ones, which is what i've gotta do to live well & happy; yes, some daily denial of the world's crucial to keep this head out of the oven... anyways, thanksgiving tomorrow will be about my family joining with his in friendship, kindliness, generosity, welcome, & happiness. next year, i hope more of us will celebrate together. for now, i feel realistically grateful. happy holidays to you who might be reading... may you have the love, true love, that we are forging, love that surmounts madness, the world, life, & death.

in loco parentis; amor tussisque non celantur

-> not much can be better than being at teacher -- or in my case, teacher-librarian -- at the holidays. in the staff lounge, the special ed teacher smiled peacefully as he carefully cut up pumpkin pies for his students. a wan-looking boy stood w/our tall jovial dutch cafeteria manager; while here, the boy had only patches of hair while he recovered from cancer, but now that his hair’s grown back, he’s razored it off. his hands worried his sweatshirt pockets. “how are you, j?” i asked, & he tucked his head & replied, “oh, ok, i guess. i overslept & missed the bus.” “looking forward to the holidays?” i asked, & he replied, yeah, i guess so. “get to sleep late, don’t have to go to school,” said i, & he grinned a little. “things aren’t so bad, are they?” said i, & he said, “no, i guess they’re not,” & smiled.
-> today i brought cranberry sauce & chicken, since my students said they’d never had the former… i continue to be amazed by what many of these kids have never experienced! skinny little v, toothy & spiky-haired, poked his head in and wished me a happy thanksgiving. my students, “the low class,” roll into the library here little by little, being normally as a group late for school, carrying their bags of goodies for our class thanksgiving. “put them by the president,” i say, & they set their bags by the two framed pictures of youthful, beaming president obama i have there, one a letter to our school thanking us for our congratulations to him upon his election, the other emblazoned with the words “at the moment that we persuade a child, any child, to cross that threshold, that magic threshold into a library, we change their lives forever, for the better. it is an enormous force for good.”
yesterday, although awfully sick still w/hives & now swollen gums, i got to have quality time w/two powerful, loving women, then w/3 of my favorite men, my band. today i leave here, stop off at the grocery store, then it’s home to attempt to make memphis mike’s famous gumbo (please pray for me, whose fridge bears the motto “i kiss better than i cook,” purchased for me by my family). these dang cortisone pills are really making me feel weak & weird, but tomorrow if i’m at all better, i’ll drive out to hart park for the 6 am phantom pie run. you run as far as you like, sez andy noise, & admission’s a mere pumpkin pie (on sale 2/$5 at foodmaxx). you can’t miss it, if you drive out to hart pk. 100s of happy, hale folks participate & there’s lots of breakfast grub available! (btw, if you’re looking for a tasty, tiny sweet potato pie just for you, try louisiana chicken & chinese down on union near the welfare office.)
-> in class, we wrote about being thankful & i put on charlie brown thanksgiving (barely audible above their keyed up clamor) & the ones who’d brought food served from a line of desks w/little a., smart but a space cadet, to my side cheerfully serving pumpkin pie, & my wild, restless, often confused & angry class got fed & got to talk & gentled down just a little, not by my definition of “good manners,” of course, but i could tell they were happy, so that was what was most important today.
-> around my teaching time, the library teemed all day w/loud, excited, happy middle schoolers. after the last bell, a score or so stayed to play on the computers & to practice w/me for next wk’s spelling bee. i limited their study to 3 language families so that they wouldn’t be too overwhelmed, & to look into their innocent, discerning faces as they strained to find the next letter of that next latin, arabic, or “asian language” word was priceless & precious & i got that happy waft. these kids, our future, trust us w/their lives & we willingly act “in loco parentis,” sometimes more so than their own birth folks. of course they need every one of us, not just teachers, to help shepherd them to happy adulthood.
-> a few days ago here at school, they had a turkey trot. today, boys & girls from grades 6-8 took home to families free birds, donated by the teachers. yes, there is much for which to give thanks. kindness, charity, friendship, love, music: the air is palpable with the goodness of humankind & the life process &, many would say, god.
-> may your holidays be filled w/contemplation, gratitude, love, & all that is good.

late at night...

...i go online & try to find proof that elvis possibly still can be alive. i'm not being ironic, & decent people shouldn't write or speak of elvis that way. derision or sarcasm on the topic are just plain wrong, too. i know 2 guys who dislike -- heck, say they even hate -- elvis. i'd just like to slap them both.
tonight i see this pic of an extra in home alone & think, now i have to suffer thru that whole thing to watch this one scene? thank the pearly gates for youtube...
i hope against hope, then dream... elvis; the house w/big windows, surrounded by ocean; climbing & descending amber trails w/rocks & switchbacks; searching for the dogs; whole cities & streets & big familiar old buildings w/lots of rooms, places i've never really seen or lived but know thru recurring dreams; more water seeping around me, ever-present, but i always get out; other uncanny, subconscious, yucky, silly, weird-like-dreams-are stuff...
tonight we watched one of my most favorite movies of all time, "touch of evil," & i wonder why i can't find online proof that welles's makeup was modeled after j. edgar hoover's pug features? must look harder. i love that tough, smart, sordid, romantic movie so much, it's kind of kookoo. in fact, am that way about lots of movies, & songs, & people, & about lots & lots of stuff. life's just too too big & fleeting to feel half-way about.
this vacation has been so very nice, w/kith & kin absolutely packing mom & dad's house, & playing on the little keyboard they've got over there (took the piano when i got hitched, as mama said i could) w/everyone singing christmas songs to get in the mood, extreme calorie consumption, much rest, much couch time. tonight i got in a 5-miler & even a mtg, & what a wonderful thing, the rhythm & hush of breath & feet & the smells & glimmer of winter night. my new ebay shoes are absolute jaguars, corvettes, lamborghinis, & they move me so efficiently along dirt, gravel, asphalt, my machine-like respirations damp in the coolness: sht-sht-sht-(inhale)-sht-sht-sht-(inhale)... i'm automatic, blissed out, i glide, i'm the terminator, james brown, elvis: they are really some shoes!!! hope any who read this are having peaceful & merry times...

happy, happy thanksgiving

this morning's phantom pie run at hart park was wonderful: happy people by the 100s, lovely sunrise, rolling foothills, heart-pumping uphills, muscles straining, health restored by activity, then the long downhill flat-out haul-butt back to hart park, bonfire, delicious food, joy. i was told all the extra pies & food go the homeless shelter, which made the whole thing even nicer.
then a gal showed up at the wmn's mtg, paroled from prison yesterday to the bksfld hotel. problem was, her family was waiting for her in carson city today for thanksgiving, she wept, & she was paroled to bakersfield & must stay til monday. at the hotel last night, people cried, screamed in terror, yelled, knocked on her door all night. the walls were smeared w/blood from all the junkies, & she woke covered w/bedbugs. she just celebrated one year sober & knew she had to get to a mtg right away.
after the mtg, i stepped up to ask if i could get her a nicer hotel rm til tomorrow, when her mom's wiring her $ to do so, but my sponsor beat me to it & took the woman home w/her.
tears sprang to my eyes, & do so now as i think of my sponsor's kindness. life IS good when we can overcome fear & just help one another. the deepest human trait is not fear, but love, & this love can lead us to our most true selves. our human purpose is to help, & to love... tho this gets obscured by so many worldly calamities.
happy turkey day to all who read this. i am "giving thanks" today for having the ability & opportunity to appreciate that it IS thanksgiving. i give thanks for being placed in a life where i'm able to learn to be more happy, joyous, & free by way of gratitude, positive service to others & development of the gifts i've been given.
to thine own self be true, & happy thanksgiving to you.

turkey / phantom pie run this thursday!!!

(from bk track club website - this sounds like FUN!!!!) Phantom Pie Run - Meet at section 7 of Hart Park for a fun run or walk of between 3 and 12 miles starting at 6am. Bring a pie to share with a couple hundred of your fellow health enthusiasts. What a great way to kick off Turkey day!