jennycast uno

critique & addendum one day after posting the above: wish i'd combed my hair. wish i'd cut my hair! wish i'd smiled more. wish the song had higher volume. overall, tho, this is what i'll do, i think, riffing from general idea. corrections: i was going to post the poems to this blog (not video) & williams is mama's favorite PLAYWRIGHT.... onward, here's a terrific article about maria bamford -- my highly-recommended quick read: the weird, scary & ingenious brain of maria bamford ... in the '80s, many humans receiving mental health support had the rugs ripped out from under them. in the past decade, an increasingly interracial culture as well as gender advocacy efforts have greatly de-stigmatized issues of race & sex -- compare it to when i was in high school in the '80s: gays were "bashed" by the football team & the races at school were strictly delineated, causing my biracial sister & i considerable alienation.... i remember w/delight when as a teacher i started noticing the student rosters morphing as interracial kids appeared more & more: brittany rodriguez; shenieka schwartz; cody gonzales; etc... anyways, back to the point: i'm hopeful that increasing acceptance now is happening on the mental health front. 30 years ago, andy kaufman was considered brilliant, but also a train wreck:  hollywood didn't know what to do w/him. 30 years later, maria bamford is breaking out into stardom, better understood & therefore receiving the recognition her unusual talent deserves. groups like NAMI, WWP, media attention to TBI & acceptance & even adoration of performers like bamford, i hope, all evidence a movement of healing.
i watched the documentary last night of two minds, about bipolar "disorder": to paraphrase, "that ['crazy'] person is your sister. that person is your mother. that person is your husband, your friend." that person is you. that person deserves to be accepted, not rejected, supported, not abandoned.
(she now steps down from soapbox to go do the dishes.)

aaaaaahhh... calm....

- it always returns, like a breeze, like a miracle... as many of you know, moods like sea change are a trial, but invariably, waters smooth again & feel like glistening moonlight & gentle lap-lap-lapping both cozy & stretching forever, oh, what love & compassion & kindness & patience & happiness we get to feel in those moments, right? i hope that you do...
- the below poem, quite important to me, hangs in my house. a dear friend was visiting recently & on a whim, i just knew he'd "get" it, REALLY get it...
"will you read it to me?" my friend said, so i did, & he exhaled, "wow. i got goosebumps..."
today i lunched w/other friends who dropped in unexpectedly, & what a happy surprise it was to see them, married nearly 30 yrs, immersed & freed for life as artists, about to move north to start their next chapter together, best friends, fiercely loyal, aware how lucky they are to have one another, & never taking their loved ones for granted, even ones like me whom they don't see much... well, to know people like this, ones who effortlessly understand, empathize, "get it," w/whom words can be superfluous bc we seem to have an emotional language, even when separated for long periods of time... i so love having these beautiful souls in my life.
- they didn't see it, but i suspect these friends, too, might get the below poem, also... what do you think about it? do you relate? does it help? i hope so.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond. (rumi, coleman barks translation)

"in a relationship"... mush alert ahead (you've been warned) (sing five royales' "i'm with you"):

it now is facebook-official. i would analyze that more, but just don't want to. brain was on fire last night, in despair yesterday, 'cause despite this beautiful, unprecedented, scary (what if something happens to him?) time in my life, i still have a mood disorder, but this time the storm was weathered pretty quickly, & he gave me important reassurance, ballasting my capsizing ship like he, my hero, does... oh, to be comforted by & connected w/an understanding human being: what a gift. i no longer need to manipulate, cajole, & turn wild hopeless helpless demon in futile attempts to be recognized as existing... it's time to jettison those old behaviors, no longer necessary. in fact, they hurt him, i'm realizing, because he loves me.
wow. what an amazing statement. someone truly loves me... & shows it! i must be better, more thoughtful, less selfish... i must not hurt him w/old behaviors, pay better attn to my actions. we are fervently, productively in love, growing & growing up & getting better together every single time we interact. i am just flummoxed. as he wrote me, "isn't it just the best feeling in the world?!?!" yes, it is. this is love, baby, not confusion. i must rise to a new standard, be worthy of this blessing, astounding & unexpected. i must protect it, & him; he protects me all the time, i'm realizing, just by being wise & kind & understanding (& willing to "beat the sh*t" out of anyone who hurts my feelings in the least...). people who love one another take care of each other, have each others' best interests in mind, want happiness & health & all things good for their beloved, don't try to control, don't behave in a scary manner... (sing love boat theme) ... again, wow.
has this been enough mush? what can i say? this is my blablablog, & nothing could be more important to blablabla about than this!
these poems are for him, but also for you:

Oh! Love Bird (Love Song) (Kim Robin Edwards)
Oh! Love bird, don't fly away.
Spread your wings, and come my way.
Fly high, don't ever cry.
You will see. You'll soon be mine.
Oh! Love bird, don't leave my side.
Stay with me through out the night.
Oh! Love bird, next to me.
Love bird that's where you'll be.
Whistling a melody.
With me along, a symphony.
Oh! Love bird, don't be shy.
With me along, you'll never cry.
Soaring through out the sky.
Oh! Love bird, I'm by your side.
Oh! Love bird, don't sail away.
There will be another day.
For you and me to live our lives.
We'll sail across, the deep blue skies.
Oh! Love bird, don't fly away.
Oh! Love bird, why don't you stay?

(Rumi)
A moment of happiness,
you and I sitting on the verandah,
apparently two, but one in soul, you and I.
We feel the flowing water of life here,
you and I, with the garden's beauty
and the birds singing.
The stars will be watching us,
and we will show them
what it is to be a thin crescent moon.
You and I unselfed, will be together,
indifferent to idle speculation, you and I.
The parrots of heaven will be cracking sugar
as we laugh together, you and I.
In one form upon this earth,
and in another form in a timeless sweet land.

taste with caution... judge like a king & choose the purest

God has given us a dark wine so potent that,
drinking it, we leave the two worlds.
God has put into the form of hashish a power
to deliver the taster from self-consciousness.
God has made sleep so
that it erases every thought.
God made Majnun love Layla so much that
just her dog would cause confusion in him.
There are thousands of wines
that can take over our minds.
Don't think all ecstasies
are the same!
Jesus was lost in his love for God.
His donkey was drunk with barley.
Drink from the presence of saints,
not from those other jars.
Every object, every being,
is a jar full of delight.
Be a connoisseur,
and taste with caution.
Any wine will get you high.
Judge like a king, and choose the purest,
the ones unadulterated with fear,
or some urgency about "what's needed."
Drink the wine that moves you
as a camel moves when it's been untied,
and is just ambling about.
Mathnawi IV, 2683-96
The Essential Rumi, Coleman Barks

my heartaches and troubles are just up and gone, the moment you come into view, with your hand in mine, dear, i could dance on & on

and waltz across texas with you... bye, all yall...
Be crumbled.
So wild flowers will come up
Where you are.
You have been stony for too many years.
Try something different. Surrender.
Rumi ♥

"where there is ruin, there is hope for a treasure." (rumi)

ok, the last post was kinda depressing, so above's a nice quote to make chicken out of chickensh*t, which aunt rita says is impossible, but i think she mean's a loser's always gonna be a loser, while the above suggests there's always hope. another great cheerer-upper was a comment from a gal on the dusk devils' facebook pg: "i love this band! they're like the collins kids if they were allowed to stay out all night!" for pete's sake, how wonderful it was to read THAT! :)
today was mostly fun, but what a long, long, long deal... i was a doofus to start it w/a scamper up to the water tower near my home (to get a little exercise); that is one steep, steep climb, & to try to jog it? exhilarating, exhausting, but pure dumbness... then the truck battery was dead... got it jumped by lifesaver neighbor... then it was dead again... jumped again by nice old man in bksfld... quick run-thru at bsp's, couldn't find raffle tickets, found out when arrived at trout's i was the show m.c. (thank goodness brian p had influenced me to dress up a little!), tried to sell raffle tickets & mc & keep head on straight in midst of personal strife (curse at&t cell phones!! curse them!!!) & interacting w/friends ( julie & sarah, all kinds of friendly local musicians who played nimbly & chatted & laughed easily), got thru our set in what felt to me like workman-like fashion, few surprises except when eddie came up & laid in a genre-perfect improv instru on one bad stud... everyone there for eddie... everyone happy for eddie... everyone hopeful for eddie... next benefit will be sat, 3-7 pm at the alano club, donation $10 -- no drinking, just music & fellowship to help eddie get more eye surgery. thanks to all who were there tonight. when in a bag of sh*t, remember - the zipper's on the inside, as stacy used to say. and remember -- rumi.