blablblablablablablablablablablabla

i learned the other night that hotdogs are made up of 25% total mystery "meat". yes, 1/4 of the ingredients in american brats don't have to be reported at all!! yech. offal!!! then i learned two celebs i really like, andrew zimmern of bizarre foods & dave attell of foul-mouthed drunk humor, don't drink anymore, tho i don't know if either are "one of us" ("gooba-gooble, gooba-gobble") (i wonder if anyone will get that reference?) (who cares...) it's inspiring to learn people in the public eye whom i already kinda like & admire for their irreverence & decency could be "one of us"...
just drank too much coffee while editing dad's latest history article (dad's page). people from the bakersfield paper have been trolling dad's articles & siphoning off, not always attributing him. fyi, you supposed "reporters," that is called plagiarism!!! but dad's such a gent, he doesn't say much. HEEEE knows he's doing the original rooting out of story, not the rats that take from him... anyways, dad researches history cause he loves it so, which is why we do things: out of love, not for glory. cause we must!!
that reminds me that i just read about someone who seemingly does everything for greedy, selfish "glory," the billionaire dipsh*t donald *rump, whose asinine comments about veterans, hispanics, other repub presidentio contendores pretty much ensures that eventually someone's gonna kick his butt, or at least slap the wig off his head. can't wait!! hahahahahahah!!!!
well, that's about it except for a million other things... james has a show tonight in smellayland, & that should be big fun! oh, and the storm dumped 3.45 inches of rain over 2 days last week. whew! oh, and i'm reading about 50 different things right now, and oh well, that's about it...have a gneiss wan.

Big head & big head all sweaty after musically slamming the crap out of the place.

happy birthday, elvis!!

am a bit too bored to configure an interesting title for this post... been creating activities all day so i don't have to do responsible things. por ejemplo: angie & doug got us these universal figurines for christmas, so i posed them & made a picture. always tough to draw w/mouse since i'm a lefty & the default set-up of most everything on earth is righty, but the pic conveys the message. used to be i'd toil for hours & hours to get a graphic image just right, but am too lazy to do that now... i've always figured, probably have written here, the bride had just come to life -- she didn't know what the heck was going on -- of course, she freaked out. if she'd had a little time to wake up, think about it, looked at the big cadaverous hunk w/violent tendencies, yes, but an innocent heart, she would've gone for him. years ago i wrote a song about the bride's side of things & that's how i met james: he heard it online, liked it, got hold of me. blablabla; i've written all this here.
our kitty likes peas. and sugary things. if we gave him booze, he'd become an alky cat. it's weird & wonderful how the mouse-faced, damp, palm-sized mat of fur james brought home now is this insane, beautiful, long-limbed, fat-bellied creature, very healthy. years ago, i had a dog i loved so very, very, very much, an adorable, sweet-tempered black & tan butterball with warm brown eyes, soft, floppy ears,  & cute, loyal, comforting personality that would melt any sentient heart. my cousin shipped him from texas & when we picked him up at LAX, he was just a little boy, growing over the years into a precious moose i called "my buffalo." god, i loved that dog & still do, my gusgus -- i keep him & his dog bro roscoe in a drawer in my mind's back 40 so i don't blubber over them -- but his development & growth to me at that time didn't seem miraculous, & this feline's does. every day, the kitty grows noticeably; we are succeeding in raising something! i believe in the next few years we'll nurse other creatures to grow happily & healthily, ones that actually will grow smarter. this cat's never going to go to college. meanwhile we have time to save for a being that will.
well, as soon as james got all the gigantic logs split & chopped, the weather warmed. i don't know if we'll have more snow, but here's hoping. meanwhile, it's nice outside to go for a mountain run if i can get myself to GO. those doldrums kill winds, causing sailing vessels to lose speed, & i'm not much different! least to make headway i don't have to throw peewee the cat overboard, as sailors had to toss to their drowning deaths their animal cargo in those horse latitudes. exercising's just a matter of DOING IT, & i always always love it once i start... once i run out of things to blab on about...
today is elvis's birthday; he would've been 80. my only connection to the king's through marriage: james's uncle gave elvis his first job, when the beautiful boy was 15, at a movie theatre in memphis i should know the name of, & his page family knew the young lad from then on. tonight, brother-in-law doug's movie will premiere at the maya theatre in bakersfield. it's a documentary about human trafficking, & i hope it goes super-well for brother; i'm proud of him, doing such good works. they're gonna even submit the film to sundance! brother thinks big, as well he should, since he is helping to save the world & its innocents...
well, heck, i've read as much as i can read, napped as much as i can nap, wrote as much as i can write, & the bills still need paying & the dishes still need washing... rats!
nothing more's coming from this coconut, so this is signing off from the lovely mountain... time to get busy. :D

if i stay this mellow & happy...

- i will turn into dad. or a monk. or a guru. or something from pixar or disney.
or... just a happy human. i'm so grateful. :)
- i thought we had a lot of crap when we moved, but after 26 years? mom & dad, in process of moving, have waaaaaaaaaaay more crap! :D their new house is beautiful! they deserve it, too. we were poor growing up! their scrimping & saving & sacrificing has paid off in the comfortable, secure life they have now & so generously share! talk about good people... even if they weren't our parents! this world really is filled w/so, so many good, great humans, even if the focus too much is on bad, crappy, horrid, stupid ones... seek out the good!
- so anyways, we just filled up another trailerload & truckload, & i'm again so grateful to have the green hornet, my ugly reliable old faithful! (when i met james, he drove the mach 5 & i drove the green hornet & the blue demon -- which since has died, but still is super ugly-cute, sitting on the driveway waiting to be brought back to life. i thought it was funny we both named our cars after cartoons! technically, blue demon is a luchador, but  certainly those brawny masked fighters are cartoonish!) now we're gonna nap for a while before delivering this load. the new house is surrounded by hills to jog in & explore & from the house, you can view the elementary school playground. "i can go over & read to the kids once a week," mama said, smiling, & i added, "& when you're 90, mama, they can send kids over to walk with you to class!" what a nice thought. :) dad finally is ditching his arch-nemesis, the swimming pool, in favor of a spanish-style courtyard w/lovely fountain. he plans to plant xeriscape & even is taking a class. college at 73: i'm inspired! meanwhile, we've gotten lots & lots of good stuff from this move that will make our house not just prettier, but much, much more comfy... all are muy satisfecho.
- can't wait to finish helping here, then get home to thin out the house & yard so it doesn't look quite so much like sanford & son! it'll be a busy week back & forth helping the final days of the move, then next weekend, a fun event, a big music fest where james & i get to have a booth. i think whomever in that roots-punk-american music scene don't know of james will go ape over him: the modern man of a 1000 faces! i hope we can cobble some cool junk to sell & hear some great music... weekend after that's the kernville music fest; james & blues express play two times on saturday! i hope we sell 1,000,000 t-shirts this month!
- well, naptime for me... glücklick sonntag!

"i don't want silver, i don't want gold..."

it's true & long has been! (no, i've never wanted silver & gold, nor riches & fame; don't need no king of sweden!... however, in the realm of things, well, comics, records, candy, snacks, energy drinks, coffee, a massage, a long drive at night, a drive-in (or any!) movie, a cool dress, cheap makeup, a good workout, a rocknroll show, dawn, dusk, weird laughs, doggies, kitties, bargains... there ARE thousands of things i do love -- ultimately, tho, "the most important things in life are not things," attributed to many, is such a true sentiment...) anyways, blablabla.

my first love

this looks very much like the one that sits in my folks' house, which i grew up playing & will have in my home again someday whenever i settle down "for good"... it's never let me down! i let myself down when interacting w/it, like during the 11 yrs i didn't really play & would try when tanked & loaded up & just humiliate myself & embarrass ppl around me, or when i don't sit & play it enough these days... our folks, dr spock-era parents, never made us do anything we didn't want to. but mama made me practice piano. "you could pick out melodies when you were 5 years old," she told me. "we could tell you had a talent for it & it seemed wrong to let that go to waste." before i fell into bad habits, i got pretty good cause once i got past the whining, frustrating stage, something went click & i could hardly satisfy my desire to play. hours each day. hours!! i love my famly, who never went crazy as i, ocd-like, played some pieces five, ten, fifteen, 100 times -- ad nauseum! (this may've in part driven my sister out of the house, tho, into the arms of her punk-rock crew of happy teenaged misfits). :)
i couldn't play a note w/o music until after about age 35, but once i got brave & tried, the ear i had as a kindergartner started coming back poco a poco & now i get to be at the joyous place where i so love picking songs out & riding those black & white rails sans manuscript... the process feels like god sometimes, i say: it feels like love & joy & excitement & lust & peace & catharsis (what soul in love w/music has not laughed or cried while playing??) & so much good...
my friend, my dear, dear friend, altho you'll never know it, i love you so & am so thankful to our folks for forcing me to practice when i hated it, cause from that has come companionship & connection w/magic.

aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

i'm playing a set w/cattie ness & the revenge this sunday at 3 pm as part of a rockabilly fest... arrrrrgggghhh!!!! blogger won't upload the flyer! you can easily find it on facebook, i know -- will try later. :) dusk devils will play sun oct 23 3 pm at the desert empire fair during their rockabilly day (tho we're not really rockabilly... ssssshhhh!!) -- hope to get a flyer for that one soon, but i wouldn't be able to upload if i had it, anyhow! ok, headed for bakersfield now, then back for breakfast w/art fein, whom i haven't seen forever, & after that, i hope, the LA fair, which is sorta en route to the doll hut, which is in anaheim...

"you shoulda got a winnebago instead of a house!"

...sed memphis mike... heck, might be true! anyways, my truck broke down in bakersfield & so i hitched a ride home after the benefit at trout's & hope to hitch a ride back w/sis today or tomorrow (& see her new tattoo, which covers her back, yakuza-style, & she got to celebrate her black belt!) & get the truck back up & running...
- what have you learned today? i learned i don't have to say everything that comes in my head; of some new (to me) music on pandora (new orleans nightcrawlers, woggles, hasil adkins' "the hunch"); that people hiking up or down the hill right opposite me, we all in plain sight of one another, somehow can't see me tho i see them & therefore feel a little indecent, like a voyeur, tho i don't really want them looking in my house @ me, sitting here like a lump; that hummingbirds love this picture window lately & so will fly right up to it, in my face, seemingly, as i type; & that when working on the house, i should never stop for more than 10 mins or rigor mortis sets in & that's all she wrote... oh well. guess the house is clean enough at this pt, so will settle down w/PB&J sandwich to go watch the lovely outdoors for a bit. :)
- penultimately, dusk devils will play around 5-530 at alano club sat (2nd benefit for eddie's eye surgery), open to public, $10 donation, 34th st in bksfld. finally, saw this pic from bsp's friend sharron h from sunday's benefit -- i liked it, so post it here & thank sharron for it. :)

new posts... literally :) ....

- ouch! overdid it again today (tho didn't sustain too many bruises & didn't smash my hands) &, exhausted, my thoughts are jello, sweet & shallow & mooshy-swooshy... behold my nascent career in carpentry (not!) -- the bedframe porch railings (thought it looked a little new orleansy) & doorknob fencepost (our dear dad was delighted by the latter & proudly told friends, "that's why i admire my girls so much: they're geniuses!")
- oh! the joys of having a funky house & (many will relate) bargain-hunting eye. it's like going on an easter egg hunt each time the bargain-hunter "shops" -- so much more fun than going in stores where generally overstocked, overpriced & uniform items are RIGHT THERE, no hunting involved at all, not to mention imagination! too, bargain-hunting, being a form of recycling (this was a nice realization por moi), is environmentally kinder. :) ... oh crap; where was i? there's one synapse pinging in my head like a game of pong: bloop!... bloop!... the downside of dressing up my funky house on the cheap (my sister, bless her, crowed, "oh, how i love your watts tower house! everytime i come visit, there's something new to look at!") is i get way too involved in its decoration/repair & work like a demon til i can't move or breathe or think cogently... so here i is, & you is there, & ain't that a peach?
- the internet's dangerous @ these moments of giddy over-fatigue. consumption! i want to find a subaru brat! & tow it back home! a pair of snow boots (this would seem to be the time of yr to buy some)! whiteboy james! he plays all wkend in kern county. wow!
- the stupid part: we aren't opening for him this time bc of our recent guitarist problemo... little do james & co know, tho, how well brian paxton's been filling the bill while eddie has been out of action waiting for his 2nd eye surgery. (btw! two benefits for eddie will take place @ 1. trout's, aug 14, 3-11 pm [thank you, rockwell & lynda!]; & 2. alano club, aug. 20, 3 pm, -- flyers to come!)... yes, we've all been having fun playing together! bsp's learned everything mucho-quickly (he's a smart feller, yknow), pulled some awesome instrumentals out that are genre-spot-on, & even requested a vocal rehearsal so that 5-6 songs now have cool harmonies (not ever sounding "happy days," either, which is my fear)... now if we can figure out how to get rid of his mullet, we'll all be styling at our next shows!
- oh yes, add to this a perfect little pizza cooling on the counter. i'm reading about 80 books (god bless the public library!), the most delightful being life in paris by julia child, whose spirit can only infuse the reader w/joy. so when i just opened the oven to a steam-furnace blast & was able to use my peewee-herman-huge spatula to perfectly remove the perfect, bubbling pizza, it was a julia moment. oh! i wanted to crow in her distinctive voice, oh! how i LOVE to cook! ... however, that would've been a lie, coming from me; i merely loved the moment of pleasure i got to experience, now informed by & desiring julia's indomitable, lovable way. what a fascinating, unique character she was. and oh how i do love characters!
time for pizza... & tomorrow, yard sale up here on the hill, then dusk devils will meet to see the one & only whiteboy james!... sunday, our dear mama will have her birthday. her ex-son-in-law & nephew-in-law will be cooking for her & my ex-husband will be among the well-wishers. mama is so well-loved!
eat well! go to the library! sing a song! hug someone! use your mind! do some pushups! be a little weird! smile! wishing you a beautiful weekend.
bloop... bloop...

dads, dusk devils, prayers

angie & i are blessed to have the greatest dad, a father we could never have dreamed up. he is gentle, intelligent, humble, hard-working, a life-long servant of society (like mama, like angie), an iconoclast disguised as an astronaut, movie-star handsome in his youth & a head-turner still at age 70, & has ruined us both: we assume all handsome men are as good as gold, that is, good as dad.
they're not... tho i'm coming to realize in general they're not as bad as i've tended to think. if i live to be 100, i'll still not have much figured out, in other words...
today we celebrate our dad, as well as our wonderful, generous, voraciously bright mama, & it's a pleasant, balmy day in bakingfield, somehow not yet blazingly hot, &  this morning i sat in a meeting rm w/warm-hearted, brave drunks, one being my kind & dependable ex, & dusk devils somehow have shows upcoming tho tragedy befell our latest member several wks ago...
next, please send out kind thoughts of good health to eddie, candye, manuel, chet, terri, karen, as well as any whom you know are suffering or just needing support. there are so many! when i consider how things could be instead of how they are... well, again, wow... mustn't take any thing for granted, not anymore.
upcoming shows, dusk devils:
july 8 - big's fullerton w/karling abbeygate & other rockabillies
july 16 - mr t's bowl los angeles w/devil doll & other rockabillies & burlesquies
please surf the net for more details... happy pop's day to all. :)

hedonism, existentialism, the error of causality, blablablablablablablabla

... vaguely recall this from an undergrad class:
sonnet 75: amoretti (spenser)
one day i wrote her name upon the strand,
but came the waves and washed it away:
agayne i wrote it with a second hand,
but came the tyde, and made my paynes his pray.
"vayne man," sayd she, "that doest in vaine assay.
a mortall thing so to immortalize,
for i my selve shall lyke to this decay,
and eek my name bee wyped out lykewize."
"not so," quod i, "let baser things devize,
to dy in dust, but you shall live by fame:
my verse your vertues rare shall eternize,
and in the heavens wryte your glorious name.
where whenas death shall all the world subdew,
our love shall live, and later life renew."
- is this true? can love immortalize life? is it romantic notion, vanity? aren't we just stardust? i told art fein yesterday i was feeling a little down about this & that & art, always sympathetic, crowed "YOU? having a CRISIS?!?" but that's the thing about being sober: you're always awake. there's no buffer! life, so beautiful, can wound when a person's not blotto. but what's the use of blotto? blotto don't last!!
- this wkend i had a way-close call w/a bottle of cheap gin... after all these yrs!! i now know w/gravity & fear this booze problem truly IS cunning, baffling, & powerful... & patient! how'd we escape it?!? i maybe could be dead, instead of writing this right now.
- reeling from that brought existential crisis. my bent was to dumb-out, dissociate, then burrow into cynicism, like the literary heroes of my youth, philip marlowe & sam spade. those cats knew how to protect themselves: trust & love no one or thing. instead all these beautiful things happened, thank whom- or whatever: the most gorgeous ventura sunset, colors out of maxwell parrish, combined w/a lush & gigantic DOUBLE rainbow spanning the mountains & tide. an emergency call to a lifesaver who actually was home & answered the phone, tho she was supposed to be out of town. a lucky penny. cosmic bowling w/strobe lights & the thunderings of freddie mercury. a pinball game in which the machine matched THREE TIMES! a dirt-cheap hotel corner rm w/ocean breezes, full kitchen, king-sized bed, & enormous tv.
tho i've usually viewed such positive experiences & coincidences as fortuities & serendipities, it just can't be -- it's all mere moments, albeit lovely ones oftentimes, that i've given subjective, magical interpretation. when we were little, my sister & i thought the moon followed us as we rested in the back seat of the car on family trips home from delano. this is like that: it's all just life, so often lovely, so often inexplicable, but w/no real causality. there's just the now, with the error, good deed, calm, beauty, storm w/in it.
- how to realize this & not be overrun w/despair? seize the day, realized tommy wilhem in saul bellow's novella. kick up the heels. heed the wild hair. maximize moments of smile & fun & friendship & creativity & learning. maybe all you need is love, but all there is is now. can we do good? affect change? do unto others? not if expectation's attached. accidentally? randomly? yes. is it an empty universe only to be met by hedonism? well, epicurus had more the right idea, i think. my rights DO end where your nose begins... as dad has said, "life's short, so get plenty of rest." that's his idea of a good time, & our most-noble, hard-working, kind, funny dad does know how to enjoy life, as does our loving & generous mama. they do so oftentimes w/gentleness. for me? carpe diem, turn blue, go hog wild. go forth & live!!
(ps: watch the movie "the lives of others" - you won't regret it... and listen to rev frost's latest podcasts - link @ right)

music ate my brain

- at 11 pm tonight, i got the bright idea to record & upload to this site 6 of the 15 or so songs i've written in the past month. a music pal had encouraged me to not worry about quality (always a huge concern of mine)(ha!)(not!), said i can pull the songs when i get better versions. (hah! like i'll do that!)(oh well.) so here it is past 2:30 am... we'll see if i can get the songs posted... anyways, thanks, meine freunde. hope you likee.
- we were watching looney tunes down at candye k's pad in oceanside last wk, me munching taco take-out & candye & laura practicing for their session that next day. laura played the line from "scratch my back" as candye relaxed in her chair w/her apple on her lap & sang w/the guitar a strong, sexy, bluesy take on "sweet nothings," giving some mondo cojones to a fun tune that yet used to embarrass me to sing due to its wimpiness. candye's version will not wimp one bit! what a genius way to give albondigas to a cool but sissy tune: add some slim harpo & let candye sing it! then they went into one candye'd written but they'd never hashed out, "haunted house." candye belted away, laura played. writing it the night before - so beat! so punk rock! (i'm being admiring, not ironic.) (am clarifying that bc no context in text has caused catastrophes in this casa of late.) anyways, they finished, then just like that, PLAYBACK! i jumped off the divan & sputtered, "you're listening to it already? just like that?" they looked at me patiently, dumb peasant that i am. apple has a built-in audio studio program!!! sh*tfire! if i had an apple, i would've been in bed hrs ago!
-arrghh!! &#*$&!)#*%!! audacity is causing problems! i cannot try to upload the songs again (this would be the 3rd pass) or i shall die. yes, there are far more destructive & pathetic reasons to be up all night long on the computer than obsession w/music & writing, but posting these songs'll just have to wait til manana. like sands thru the hour glass, these are the days of our lives...

oh! the holidays! oh! the big apple! oh! the food!! "i'll tip the newsboy i'll take a shine i'll ride this dream to the end of the line"

my heart just felt it... holidays are here! ooh my soul! it swells w/love! may your days be merry & bright!
(& now to blablablog re nyc trip - kinda out of order)
- flew on jetblue LAX to JFK - absolutely no hassle, lots of leg rm & i love that airbuses are quiet on take-off/landing, the horrifying roar being the pt of the plane ride i usually most dread... jetblue also has great snacks & serves dunkin' donuts coffee, but you gotta pay for headphones if you want to watch tv (i didn't)
- used airtrams to navigate jfk & then got wk pass (a deal! do it, if you plan to use NYC public transport, which you must!) & metrorailed into manhattan... NYC is safe now! my sis traveled to NYC 20+ yrs ago & still deems it "dirty & stinky & scary." but it's not, sister. it's just not that way no mo. unlike the buck owens song, i love new york, & you will, too!
- checked in @ hostel on upper east side w/o much of a hitch... neighborhood's safe & clean &, like cow hollow in SF, off the beaten path, meaning a refuge, removed from the excitement (mess), quiet @ nite (tho the french guy next door snored as loud as the witch in suspiria, ultimately kinda funny, not annoying).
- neighborhood planters are filled w/gourds & scarecrows, store windows w/lights & stars: it's the intersection of autumn thanksgiving & winter yuletide & you can feel it on your cheeks, in the crisp air, quickening the pulse: cars & taxis honk, brakes squeak, foodsmells swell, windows pop w/beautiful things to see & buy (not today, thanks), skyscrapers loom... the city's alive!!
- walked 42nd st, time square @ nite, lit up like daylight, neoned like tokyo, crowded like new yr's eve... this whole area never sleeps!! no plan on this trip except for meditation seminar... the unexpected is around each corner & delights outweigh frustrations by far, like a quick run down W 24th st that reveals a whole free, fun row of avante-garde art galleries; or a subway musician improv-embellishing upon lovely gershwin melodies on lonely clarinet; or the most delicious curried rice & chicken plate, steaming hot on a cold night, from street foodslingers the halal guys... :)
- delicious la mia plain pizza, unbeatable famous ray's pizza (they ship to cal!), blueberry cheesecake, overwhelming eataly (an italian food super-emporium), 99c slices, bagels, morning eggs on roll for a buck-fifty, so much great food everyplace!; walked & walked miles & miles ea day, tho foot is still killing me (gd plantar fasciitis)... can't get over how great it is to explore the city afoot; can't get over that it's not freezing; can't get over the city loveliness, vibrancy (that is, til the moment near end of trip i get bumped by one too many ppl on crammed street & subway & realize: time to go home)
- went down to greenwich village, up to the bronx (where i go is open, rural, dilapidated, like where cops might find the body in a crime movie, but beautiful somehow), had awesome coconut-pistachio gelato bar @ former, pastrami & soup in cozy hole-in-wall @ latter, then a white castle slider, too. gluttony.
- empire state bldg, statue of liberty, top of the rock (watched the sun set over the city, red & orange make-your-eyes-water gleam waning between gray buildings like final scene of an end-of-the-world movie), waldorf-astoria marbled toilet rms: so much influence of art deco, neo-classical, egyptian, even: opulent mash-ups create architectural finery
- central park!!! a jewel!!! giant rocks, giant trees, grassy fields, waterfalls, lakes, ice rinks, walking, jogging, climbing, ambling, strolling, overcoated, watch-capped, happy, chatting, everywhere everyday people... what could be better?
- ellis island: so moving & interesting, but the energy drains your soul. so many ghosts. on the register of arrivals is one egio gia: dad's grandpa
- acem meditation seminar: terrific, non-religious, so effective! floating in meditation, my nail-in-heel pain is abated; thoughts of hats flying atop of mailboxes waft in my brain & it's cool, to be conscious & yet watch a dream in action, then return to the meditation phrase, which, like jogging, calms & cleans the mind & body www.acem.com
- am treated to #1 b'way play MEMPHIS & spend 20 bucks on 2 cokes & peanut m&ms, but am happy for the whole experience, in the lovely & surprisingly (to me) small shubert theatre, velvety, brocaded, gilded... when the performers start hoofing, w/a shock i realize this is BROADWAY indeed! what polish!
- pickles, beets, rye bread, matzo ball soup, potato pancake, post-b'way crowd @ junior's...
- "skate" @ rockefeller plaza (well, i watch) - have skated (unsuccessfully) just once, as a child, so mostly hug the rails this time, too, but what exhilaration, the festive spirit, the glisten & crunch & sizzle of ice, the smiles & pink cheeks of others, the joy & sounds of laughter all around... jani said today she'll teach me to skate, & i can't wait! i tried, but... i suck. still, what tremendous good-cheer fun it is. :)
- went thru MOMA & got to see up-close (tho too-fast) van goghes, cezannes, matisses, picassos, etc etc, in what looks to be a bigger painting collection than has the british museum (also saw fun baldessari exhibit); then watched @ museum of natural history mind-blowing planetarium show about stars (how can SOMETHING come from NOTHING?? from where, then, did the hydrogen gas & dark matter that formed it all come?!? clearly i'm no astronomer, not even close) as well as margaret meade hall on ppl of south seas & another on the near east & what stuck w/me was learning that dharma INCLUDES want of artha (wealth) & kama (desire), but that then one realizes these are temporary fixes & seeks moksha (salvation)... was reassured to learn hindus recognize that (Wo)Man has a need, even craving for the material @ a certain life-pt, but then matures & sets such things aside... it seems forgiving of we frail, (too) oftentimes ignoble humans...
- cab, train, bus, plane, finally reached california & reveled in big pink sky & sun & lovely weather... the weather: why all those NYers want to be here! waited all day & eve, jetlagged, for cousin to arrive frm TX, but this, too, allowed meandering adventure: bargains, eating, veering off to awesome women's mtg in venice, driving in circles listening to NPR til i find my gym, a 3-story version packed w/young ppl of all colors (something i loved in NYC: the tremendous cultural & racial diversity), awesome kickboxing class, watts times on way out. scooped up family @ LAX, then we arrived home to mountains for final gift: dad & mom had been there that day, put up new curtains, turned on heaters, so my little house was cozy & golden-warm against the freezing cold night, & in the morning, we had coffee & the kids had juice & donuts & oh, to be home. what a wondrous thing. :) happy holidays to you. :)

jani, small people, lifelifelife, true-blue you

feeling a bit glum, was gonna catalog here all the ppl i've gotten to/had to play w/over the past 8 yrs, but then my dear jani called & today's her 12th sobriety bd!! she recentered me. who cares if i've had 4,000 drummers & 85 others & that a recent departure, altho now in a more financially successful gig than he was w/us, has decided to be small w/me, admitting he wronged me in a mean, backhanded way that makes no sense unless he feels guilty & like an ass & therefore that his only recourse is to try to hurt me?... guess not all can be big in a timely manner, as are drunk club folks who work a program, or ones of true character, like my guitar-slinging pal phil... i relate to having to step in crap & smear it on others before realizing i CAN comport myself w/dignity... the situation's too bad, but it'll pass.
i met jani in a mtg in a park in bakersfield. she knew the drinking game was up & was absolutely heartbroken. it's disconcerting to reconcile my memory of her that eve, tears streaming down her face, w/the friendly woman w/the ear-to-ear grin, the one who greets everyone & always strives to make newcomers feel safe & welcome. jani knows & lives pp. 20 & 67 (et al): our lives depend on constant thought of helping others (& the converse: my death, spiritual or corporeal, comes when i think only of helping myself!!). yes, what a miracle sobriety has been for her... & for me! jani & i (& her twin sister joni) are leos & drunks & women who are friends to the world, but have struggled w/men... jani, tho, is more down-to-earth than i am, wears the cloak of life more loosely, i think, & is more pragmatic... i love her so.
feels like i've written this story before: jani's best friend way back when, long before i knew jani, was carrying on w/my boyfriend, who was sort of like the prince of bakersfield bc his daddy was world-famous country singer, big-shot businessman w/media empire -- i thought i was special back then to be/"johnny" (who didn't like being called that, tho that was his birth name), whom i didn't know by name 1st time i saw his handsome face & my heart went clunk -- he was SO CUTE back then!!!! then he opened his mouth & he had that twang... i was done for, too-smart-for-her-own-good, noble-savage-romanticizing, know-nothing that i was. all were buried in hard partying, tho they were "country people" & i was more of a cramps & suicide-ideation girl... not a good match!!
jani tells me still how her friend & she would talk about "that weird girl w/the black hair who wears all that makeup & wears black all the time..." yrs ago a big woman w/huge fire-engine-red hair & loud outfit said, in the middle of a mtg, "when i met jenny, i thought she was BIZARRE!!!" i was taken aback: SHE was bizarre! but yes, i must admit... probably i was bizarre, tho such things are unimportant in the long run & "bizarre" is a relative term.
pt is, jani is my true-blue friend & one's perception of oneself can be pretty skewed & so thank goodness for true-blue friends, who keep a soul relatively current & honest & aware that what's most important is what i think of others cause if i just sit around thinking about me, i'm sunk, dead, buried.
here's to true-blue friends. here's to jani. here's to phil. here's to donna. to mike, manuel, toni, patty, maryfafa, tushi, angie, to... all of you. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ANGIE!!!! & blablabla

my little sister! she can't be middle-aged! but i guess if i am, she must be... yipes! and what a relief.
my little sister is a talented, dedicated, bright, even brilliant, self-proclaimed "creative basket case." she has always had the figure to die for, w/long slender legs, & she can really clean up: she can match an outfit head to toe & always dresses w/style!... she's worked hard her whole life, little soldier, hand to plow, sweat on brow (& she's needed to!! not just has she co-raised her daughter w/her ex, but she needs dough for the nice things she prefers!). an unfortunate but typical example of angie & i growing up: we both worked @ a discount movie house when we were girls. i recall staggering out of the ice room after some time in there w/a male co-worker to find angie scrubbing & scrubbing the lobby, working furiously... i must've been the most embarrassing sister, tho today fences are mended & i only want to help & love her, & i know that she feels the same toward me... time heals all wounds, & wounds all heels, to quote art fein. i certainly had my time to be wounded, & i deserved it, but now life is good & relationships repaired & what a thing life is, what a glorious thing...
i hope angie will be happy today. she has been downright stressed lately (a family trait: sloth & pleasure sandwiched by over-obligation & -toil). she works for "the evil empire," as mama calls it. she struggles to bring art & love & enrichment to kids who are being taught stultifying & soul-depleting rote. she fights the good fight, trying to guide kids from poverty conditions toward happy & useful citizenship. she's also studying to be an art therapist. so unusual! so worthy! she also just moved. she's also a good mom & friend. she also... the list goes on & on. angie is a hero to many! :)
was working on my brick pathway under a gorgeous (cerulean!!) sky when james called to ask which of his mad magazines i wanted. he also said he was building a giant papier mache head & a footstool made of old cowboy boots. so cool!! i love my smart, weird, life-loving & -affirming friends... at the show we did w/him last wk, james dedicated "roll 'em pete" to the dusk devils. they flat-out cooked that tune!, but the hole where piano goes was a definite one, to my ear, like when the blasters now do "one bad stud" w/o horns or keys, like "green onions" w/o the organ, "tequila" w/o the horns, elvis songs w/o elvis, "goin up to country" w/o flute (i know; that's the canned heat version, but that's the one i prefer), etc etc... then he dedicated to me "trying to get to you," which he'd pounded out of the park @ the elvis show. i was startled & flattered to hear him on-the-fly change the lyrics:
"i've been traveling in the dark... even up to frazier park... just to try to get to you... when i read your lovin' email, well, my heart began to sing..." [etc]
phil looked @ me & cocked a brow. "REAL-ly..." he chuckled...
"NO!!" i replied, embarrassed but happy.
am a very lucky person to have friends like these, brothers & sister, we. heck, to have friends at all! to have loved ones! i know they say keep your friends close & enemies closer, but i'd just much rather concentrate on the former. this life is too short to do otherwise!; we mustn't waste one more bit of energy on the others... unless they need our help & ask for it & we can give it w/o disparagement or expectation...
oh! i spot the quail on the hill opposite this picture window! i look out from here onto a mountainside, across the arroyo that demarcates the east side of my property... each morning i get to watch butterflies, blue birds, domestic cats who prowl the hill w/delusions of liondom, & lately, my favorites: a bevy of fat, top-hatted california quail, peeping & chirping & bobbing as they strut around & take their dirt baths... they're like a group of old men standing around smoking. this place is delightful for sites like that, & so much more!
back to fellow humans... i pray these steps i'm working will result in a clean & honest new person w/insides matching outsides. i know i have great capacity for love, & despair, & what lies between... but to respect & honor each person on my path of life, that's the goal. that's the goal. that's the goal. time to roll.
(addendum: yes, i know this has all been about me... but this IS my blog, of tiny -- if that -- import, written bc i so love to write. please, if you read this & judge me,or even if you don't, please start your own blog so that i can read it!)

pervading sense of unreality follows wondrous night of little sleep, glorious music and moonlight

(the above makes me miss writing headlines!!! in the online-publishing era, does "headline count" still exist?? i just don't know... it used to be sometimes irritating, but also fun wording headlines to puzzle together just so, working not just w/words, but even tighter -- w/picas, font sizes, & individual letters, which have different count depending on font & width...)
t.s. eliot: "it's strange that words are so inadequate. yet, like the asthmatic struggling for breath, so the lover must struggle for words..." feels like this whole blog is that way! my words are inadequate to capture what this precious & quixotic life feels like. are words that way for you??
so what a blessing it is to have such an outlet as this blog, fumbling tho my attempts may be to elucidate & enunciate mysteries of existence (ha!)... yes, what a blessing it is to write! & create! & feel! & love! & draw breath! (ok; that's enough...)
so back to earth: this house originally had 3 oaks on its property, beautiful old grandfathers, but when i moved here, only one remained, the others not just having been removed, but for some reason, their stumps painted blue. demented!... not just eviscerated, the trees were defaced, as if by some perverted arboreal undertaker!
the other day i returned from bakersfield feeling sick (as now seem to when returning from bako) & as i backed my truck up to the house so i wouldn't have to walk so far to unload, i glanced into the backyard &... tree #3 had fallen & was laying in pt on the house. yikes!! providence or fluke or the great pumpkin pitched the tree just enough away from the house so that it appears there's no roof damage, tho i've yet to confirm that... i know last night when i got home @ godforsaken-a.m., it rained like hell & this morn there are no leaks... could it be that a tree falls on the house & the house is not damaged? if so, wow!!
the tree looks like it committed suicide -- yanked itself from the earth, root & ball. no stump's even left to paint blue.
on the upside, i won't need firewood for winter! :)
well, was gonna write a bunch more, but am just too beat after the last few days... painful heel spur still holding me back from running; so grateful for this wk getting to make many amends & heal long-standing upsets w/others; so grateful to feel such love for & affinity w/other drunks, my brothers & sisters; helping sister move, & oh, how i love my little sister, who now owns her very own house, god love our parents!; driving driving driving, i'm always driving now; the beautiful rural rd from here to taft (on I-5! i didn't think there was one pretty inch on that strip!); the wild & amazing whiteboy james (who has the life force of 2 -- maybe 3 -- men & is the most blessedly, fierily talented crazy cutey demon i've ever met! a supernova!); his band's incredible show last night (oh, to have a band that tight! what heaven that must be!); our quite uneven but ultimately ok contribution to the show; steady crazy friendly rick, & phil, who, yes, is  wonderful, & what's so wrong about saying what's true?; some disturbing conflicts & hurt feelings w/in band; the velvety night, the hotel lights, the stars & moon, the long rd home; up late, writing a song, unable to sleep, abuzz buzz buzz... & today, following last night's downpour, this morn's perfect skies, robin's-egg blue, clouds, billowy-silvery, w/light quality so clean & gold, it nearly brought tears!
wow!!! a giant crash of thunder just boomed not so far from here, crashing like zeus's symphonic kettle drum, thumping the whole mountain!! more big storms today, looks like!
more good news: no trees on this property to be knocked down by storms!!!
wa-la! that's it for now! happy fin de semana to anyone reading this! :)

july: roadtrip 2010

some pix got left off the slideshow. here's one.

below's the really important one, tho.

yep, 15 yrs, no drinkee. not that i didn't try in this past mad yr... so therefore i'm especially grateful for the good supreme spirit of the universe & all its earthly manifestations, animal, vegetable & mineral. may you be well, fellow manifestation.

rezamalution [sp]

tomorrow i will blog about the past month. it's been a long dang diddly time, as ned flanders would say.
for now i'll just put down, to -- i hope -- kickstart some cogitations & remembrances, that i'm sitting in my new mountain house-no-longer-dump, it's not 9000 degrees outside (as it is in pobre bakingfield), the windows are full of forest, the night sky's full of stars, the fridge is full of food, my head's full of sleepy next-to-nothing, & all that isn't what makes life good... however, no corpses after recent gigs & mondo texas car trip, still upright & breathing, not pushing up daisies, got a pulse & a chance, well, that DOES.
here's a pic of my friend james & i. we dusk devils have a chance to make a record on james's & his buddy, awesome guitarist scott abeyta's, label, if scott likes what we play. so our next band task, aside from solidifying an insane road trip to wyoming, of all the cotton pickin places on earth, is to get songs together for j&s. ORIGINAL songs is what james wants... ain't that a hoot? i can't stop smiling about it.
good night good night good night
good night

iiiii'm so vain...

oh boy, am so bushed... been moving, moving, moving. my old house, in which i now sit, is a lonely ghost containing scarcely more than this computer & i, while the new one, packed w/boxes, awaits me in another town & hops w/promise. i miss it! and i'm scared... i'm moving. but mountain retreat it will be, will be! &, of course, the only constant is change. shiver.
body's tahrd tahrd tahrd. want to make a pallet on the floor & crash, but there's nothing w/which to pallet. so i play bejeweled like a zombie & you know how one's mind wanders when fatigued & i realize there are 3 songs out there about me. not ones i THINK are about me, but really, truly about jenny. but it's irritating because 2 of the songs are sort of dirge-ish & self-pitying & really about the guy, not about me, this projection of what they think i be, when i'd prefer something sort of wildly fun, like "crazy baby," or weird & cool like "for the love of ivy," or soulfully anthemic, like "mona," or romantic, deep, & devoted like "(life's little) ups & downs," or at least about the me i think i am (but how could they know? i never tell them & they don't ask)... however, the 3rd of the songs is a really cool surfy-mysterious instrumental & i feel honored that it's about me, composed by a talented, towering texan w/these really cool hands that look biblical or sculpted by michelangelo...
yes, i'm feeling rather special until i realize that except for "the big g," i've written about 25,000,000 songs about guys. i don't know where this is going, so i'm going to make a pallet.

elaborations, fascinations, celebrations, admirations,

ok, so to explain the below pix:
1. dancing - those were from the al hendrix show we did w/al & token okies at ethel's. beforehand, phil & i practiced over at robt tidwell's beautiful italianate home in the country w/rt, franky kiplinger & kirby shropshire, who are mensches. then al came to town w/sweet wife laraine & we practiced again. the show was swell & fun & loaded w/bikers & al kept throwing me unannounced solos, prefacing each w/"here's jenny angel! jerry lee better watch out!" so then i'd choke real good, tho a few times i caught the right ideas & notes & it was kinda like flying, what exhilaration... mom, dad, angie & friends showed up, & one of my favorite persons on earth came in as we did "i push right over." that was really cool. al played well, super-rocking, even, &, of course, the phil was dressed to the nines. afterwards, he & i had really great ethel's hotdogs & fries & i am going to start him a fan club, mebbe... we dusk devils pretty much blew out the pa, tho not on purpose. am starting to think the piano, the mightiest instrument of all, is a formidable beast to pile on a pinche PA used only to 4 or 5 strings instruments... 88 keys pounding down like thunder, well, the PA is gonna be pretty much doomed sometimes...
2. ok, so then i  went snowshoeing again (only nearly fell to my death from the side of a steep snow-covered mountain this time; no injurious falls except when i tried to jump from bunk bed to king bed, forgetting i am decades beyond 10 years old, but @ least i didn't crack my head, like last time)... was eating in the dining hall & after the 1st taste looked @ each other in wonderment: this food was just spectacular!!! long story short, since i've gotta go to bed soon, is the chef somehow was talli counsel, the 1st african-american white house chef, chef for presidents carter, clinton, &, yes, obama. there he was, beaming broadly, chatting up the lodge-stayers, dressed in fine pressed black uniform that bore proudly the seal of the president of the united states! chef talli said he plans menus & travels w/the obama family when they go places on air force one. & he had cooked dinner!! all were eating a meal fit for a president! naturally, it was one of the most mouth-watering, scrumptious meals i've ever had: jumbo prawns, pesto ravioli, feta-stuffed lamb w/raspberry coulis, pumpkin-sweet potato pie, & even more than that - must pause to wipe drool from chin... how chef talli ended up cooking that night @ kings canyon's montecito lodge, well, i have no notion, only gratitude! (did i mention the food was free? included w/lodging? merciful heaven...)
3. ok, whiteboy james: he rocked the doubletree for pat evans' no stinkin' service charge blues series. his band was spectacular & james was so crazy fun & terrific! it kinda made me crazy, too, actually... after ending one exciting lead, scott abeyta weaved, panting, sweating, dazed, like he was gonna faint! the whole band was that much into the intense performance! the bakersfield audience was blown away, screaming for more. but james & the blues express left the stage, & pat declared, grinning, "i'd hate to follow that!" wbj & i chatted & bussed before & after the show; he is super-friendly & cute & funny & ingratiating & well-liked by many, many. i hope he comes back soon!! as i left, a large man grabbed my arm & enthused, "you guys need to open for them!!" i agree. that would be one fun, crazy-a** show, all right. :)
4. mi casa - i think i've gotten a place in frazier park, for the bottom line is that my choice @ this pt is breathe or die. the house is @ 5000 ft elevation. it's on a largish lot & backs up to national forest! you can stand in back & hear the wind rustling thru the trees! the house looks from the side like a hotel, which i really like, & has wrought iron railings, which reminds me of NOLA, so of course i'm in love w/the place, which to call a "fixer upper" would be a compliment. :) my family is horrified. restoring it will be my summer project. i can't wait! i love my house. from the second i saw it, i imagined how it will look when it gets some tender loving care. i had a vision! i'll fence the large yard & my doggies will come visit. i will listen to the trees. i will get calm. i will be able to breathe. :)
5. no pix on this, but am back to work. i missed so many of the kids so much while i was out, more than i even knew til i saw their sweet faces!!! i brought them lucky pennies w/a little note from me, thinking, they might not value these, but it feels right to give them out... the word's gotten round, & now lots of kids are coming in the library for their lucky pennies. one boy told me his penny fell on the floor; he went to pick it up & found 12 bucks. two came in today & told me, "the lucky pennies work! they brought us good luck! we won our soccer game!"
what could be better than stories like this? children big & small are the breath of life, the reason to keep trying, our future, our innocence & hope, & our joy.
time for bed! what a life! whatta whatta! mwah!

discipline & unsung stories

- updike would rise early each a.m., head to his upstairs, & dutifully write for 3 hrs. kerouac supposedly wrote on the rd by feeding a 120-ft roll of paper into his typewriter & letting fly. somewhere between's people like me (neither disciplined nor dope-driven, most of us toil in obscurity, which is just fine w/me). as a kid, i loved nothing but the piano more than my portable olivetti, & i'd clack away daily at it: imitation chandler & hammett, detective stories, marx bros script, feverish tales of my cousin, sister & i meeting the beegees (i was a KID after all!). never finished a one, & my niece is now the same, tho she writes her feverish tales by hand & they revolve around androgynous j-rockers.
- as much as music, people, exercise, & finding shiny objects on the ground, i just love to write, & besides a behemoth of a masters thesis & yrs in jr reportage, i do it for self-expression -- tho i spose there's always a bit of social agenda there, since i AM a teacher from a family of teachers &, tho yes a little smudged by a kinda sordid but mostly garden-variety-drunk past, basically am a goody two-shoes... i like to be good, & i like people who read what i write to feel good, & i keep that in mind while writing. yes, nihilism, marker of my youth, is gone, & therefore, i guess, so are my tender yrs, & good riddance, i say!
- haven't written for many days, so it's time, is the idea. things’ve been up & down: lots of headaches/sore throats probably due to our poisonous air; much time w/family & friends; enjoying crisp-autumnal clime; did 1/2 marathon the other day & am still somewhat crippled by the bout (time was 2:19, not bad for a non-athlete like me)...
- see, i've always been in this place & tho for a while chronicled my mostly-drunken escapades in a comic (look to link @ right for true tales of glumglum), @ times i glaringly know i just don’t have much that’s exciting to write of.. however, i DO know people who’ve had fascinating lives, & i trumpet here & hope they read & are inspired to finally get some of their stories down!
- here, for instance, is my dear friend donna's nativity scene: step-dad is coming home off the rd; he's stand-in for hank snow when hank's too drunk to get on stage & sing. he walks in & donna's dear mom's laying across the kitchen table w/the other kids standing worriedly around, mom’s yelling, "i'm having the baby!!!", step-dad runs across the rm, slashes down the venetian blind cord & uses it to tie off & cut baby donna's umbilical cord.
- what a frigging entrance!! donna's hilarious & weird story "the worm" is at that link at right, & she has tons & tons more. what an amazing life, & she’s gotta lot more to live!
- and aunty rita? she lived all over the u.s. as well as in el salvador when uncle henry worked shutdown on nuke plants & she just bursts w/stories: armed guards escorting her to the mall in salvador; carjacked at gunpt in miami beach & then the thief got on the fwy & got stuck in a traffic jam & the cops got him; dancing w/merle haggard & all the honky-tonk hunks when she was the knockout-life of the party in the 50s-60s; living on buttermilk & cigarettes a smitten cowboy’d bring her every single morning to nurse her hangovers when she worked at the bank; coming to in the bushes & knocking on the window, but her sister wouldn't let her in the house… (well, ok, i DID live that particular story…) my long-time friend, big gruff dm, tells of partying at his friend chief’s pad while dm was a hollywood high student, putting down the bong to espy a stretch limo outside, & next thing he knows, in walks elvis! yes, none of these stories’ve been written down… til now… so you read it here 1st! :)
- i should be more like dad, local historian, who gets wind of others’ fascinating lives & patiently but doggedly pursues til they spill. dad, the quiet but politely subversive gentleman w/matinee looks who always has lived w/in 10 miles of his birth, is someone who thrills @ others’ narratives (b rode sidecar as a motorcycle ice racer in colorado; uncle henry went out on the nuclear sub, where they couldn’t shower for the 1st month cause the stalls were filled w/smokes & booze; steve strelich stood in for movie stars, did marathon swims & dances, & met a dictator before starting up a wrestling arena that still stands here in bakersfield). yes, dad really listens & truly loves interviewing & getting down on paper the adventures of others. he honors others, in so doing! please click here to read some of dad’s work: www.gilbertgia.com
- well, aside from getting marmalade at the bent ‘n’ dent for my students (who’ve never heard of or tasted it) & some terrific books @ the goodwill, "my" tale for tonight’s been told, so if you’ve got a story that needs telling, post it, post it, cause why the heck not??! life’s too short to sit back & wait for someone else to sing your story, & even if you’ve not traveled far, as folks  mentioned here have, i believe that a tale well-told can take place right in your kitchen, bathroom, backyard, or noggin...