back on the rollercoaster again?

- "no, you're just having feelings, being human." that's what my wise sponsor said kindly when i called her, blubbering & choking & feeling traumatized. after the last many days of high times & extreme fun & affection & laughs w/musician friends, i went to the yard to calm down, pull budding tumbleweeds, smell the fresh air, unwind. i went to throw away a box on my side of the arroyo, a box i'd noticed last wk & kept meaning to throw in the trash, & found... my kitty. she has been dead for over a month, killed by a coyote. i saw it happen. she was a gorgeous cat... she now is far from that. i can only guess someone hiking found her & recognized her as my kitty & brought her back to me... dear sister angie, known by her daughter as the "cat jesus," comforted me via phone; then her kind friend doug said a prayer for me that i have peace. his prayer actually helped me wash the horrible image of what remains of poor skittles from my mind.
- i'm grateful to my friend jp, former boxer, who, when i was in my last depression, reminded me to always roll w/the punches, that the ups & downs are just life & i absolutely MUST not let it get to me cause it'll all pass. i don't have to feel lost, pathological, abandoned, on the road to ruin, or guilty, as if i'm being punished for having had good times of late, simply for feeling sad & even shocked, revolted, scared by the cat's dessicated corpse...
- i will get help burying her remains properly tomorrow, along w/her kitty toys. w/all the good lately, i have to expect some bad here & there. that's life, & into each life, some rain must fall, & ad nauseum; to quote thoreau: "the price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it" - swift, "may you live all the days of your life" - and finally, "all men die. but not all men really live." (william wallace)
- may we all live fully today. may you be safe, comforted, & suffused with life.

life! life! life!

still near-dead from the NM-CA drive, i was wakened by a knock on the door yesterday, beginning a day of seven visitors!! food, laughs, bawdiness, smoking, griping, loving, camaraderie... the eve ended w/a movie marathon: "jesus christ superstar" followed by "orgazmo." i was grateful this morning when i woke & realize the house hadn't been struck by lightning. :) at NM we hiked to a mtn top w/a woman who turned out to be a healer possessing much historical knowledge & alternative medicine wisdom -- she led us to a gigantic medicine wheel made entirely of quartz!, perched atop a sheer, red cliff! my travel bud kim, a strong & potty-mouthed & kind southern beauty, took me on many steep & treacherous hikes on said trip, for the higher we went, the more exotic rocks we could find -- so i came home w/a number of gorgeous pieces.
this morn beneath a lovely, breezy, cool sky & to the melody of birds, wind, & chimes, i worked on my shrine, adding bits of treasure i'd found in a few abandoned areas along old rt 66: broken cookery & tile, an old coke bottle, a vintage tail light, even some carnival glass & an old toy horse! then i used my quartz specimens to fashion a mini medicine wheel on the stump of an old oak the former resident of this place inexplicably had torn out... stood back to examine my work (it sparkles! like my labyrinth, it radiates ancientness, calm, if pondered...), looked over, & saw a tiny lizard -- but what a lizard! just one inch long, it looked like a fat mini-dinosaur! i never catch the little guys, but this i did, & after taking a few shots of what looked to be a liliputian triceratops & posting it on facebook, adam from cattie ness shot back that it was a horny toad! looking it up further, i discovered it was the california variety (natch); they're endangered in many places; they're loners & so are best left to survive on their own; can be a federal crime to take, even! (ex-hubby b commented, "good thing you didn't pick it up in the oilfield! they'd fine ya a million dollars!"); & eat red ants!... i knew just where to release him -- the beautiful exotic baby went right to a rock in the backyard, near the steps, on which is a red ant highway. i sat for a few minutes &, w/some satisfaction, watched him feast. now it's time to prepare to go practice w/becky & her band, then get the dog boys & visit loved ones.
"love attracts love," wrote st therese, the little flower, as well as, "i would like to fly as the eagle does, but i can only flutter my wings" -- i am, you are, we are the horny toad, the ant, the lonely climber, the red rock: let me be complete in the tininess & weakness of my ephemeral living form, be more compassionate & patient w/earth's creatures -- we are all so delicately small! -- & find comfort in the vastness, amazing beauty, & temporality of this. pay attention! do not take for granted one single thing!
yes, life! life! life! what a blessing! what a constant surprise! what a fragile gift! may you feel blessed & happy today...
ps - here's one more pic, just cause i love it so...

jani, small people, lifelifelife, true-blue you

feeling a bit glum, was gonna catalog here all the ppl i've gotten to/had to play w/over the past 8 yrs, but then my dear jani called & today's her 12th sobriety bd!! she recentered me. who cares if i've had 4,000 drummers & 85 others & that a recent departure, altho now in a more financially successful gig than he was w/us, has decided to be small w/me, admitting he wronged me in a mean, backhanded way that makes no sense unless he feels guilty & like an ass & therefore that his only recourse is to try to hurt me?... guess not all can be big in a timely manner, as are drunk club folks who work a program, or ones of true character, like my guitar-slinging pal phil... i relate to having to step in crap & smear it on others before realizing i CAN comport myself w/dignity... the situation's too bad, but it'll pass.
i met jani in a mtg in a park in bakersfield. she knew the drinking game was up & was absolutely heartbroken. it's disconcerting to reconcile my memory of her that eve, tears streaming down her face, w/the friendly woman w/the ear-to-ear grin, the one who greets everyone & always strives to make newcomers feel safe & welcome. jani knows & lives pp. 20 & 67 (et al): our lives depend on constant thought of helping others (& the converse: my death, spiritual or corporeal, comes when i think only of helping myself!!). yes, what a miracle sobriety has been for her... & for me! jani & i (& her twin sister joni) are leos & drunks & women who are friends to the world, but have struggled w/men... jani, tho, is more down-to-earth than i am, wears the cloak of life more loosely, i think, & is more pragmatic... i love her so.
feels like i've written this story before: jani's best friend way back when, long before i knew jani, was carrying on w/my boyfriend, who was sort of like the prince of bakersfield bc his daddy was world-famous country singer, big-shot businessman w/media empire -- i thought i was special back then to be/"johnny" (who didn't like being called that, tho that was his birth name), whom i didn't know by name 1st time i saw his handsome face & my heart went clunk -- he was SO CUTE back then!!!! then he opened his mouth & he had that twang... i was done for, too-smart-for-her-own-good, noble-savage-romanticizing, know-nothing that i was. all were buried in hard partying, tho they were "country people" & i was more of a cramps & suicide-ideation girl... not a good match!!
jani tells me still how her friend & she would talk about "that weird girl w/the black hair who wears all that makeup & wears black all the time..." yrs ago a big woman w/huge fire-engine-red hair & loud outfit said, in the middle of a mtg, "when i met jenny, i thought she was BIZARRE!!!" i was taken aback: SHE was bizarre! but yes, i must admit... probably i was bizarre, tho such things are unimportant in the long run & "bizarre" is a relative term.
pt is, jani is my true-blue friend & one's perception of oneself can be pretty skewed & so thank goodness for true-blue friends, who keep a soul relatively current & honest & aware that what's most important is what i think of others cause if i just sit around thinking about me, i'm sunk, dead, buried.
here's to true-blue friends. here's to jani. here's to phil. here's to donna. to mike, manuel, toni, patty, maryfafa, tushi, angie, to... all of you. :)

a near-perfect g-rated day: dulce est desipere in loco

coffee, ezekiel toast w/pb for breakfast. took love wagon up granite rd, b driving, stepson cody shotgun, dogs wrapped around me in back, listening to NPR. purple, yellow, pink, pale blue, white wildflowers everywhere, shimmering, magical, verdant hills, sheep, goats, steer, cows, deer, scrub oak, dramatic sky, clean air. stopped at oakgrove cemetery near glennville, a lonely & lovely spirit place. the thin dark headstone of margaret, "my beloved wife," sighed under a spidery tree. baby benton's tiny headstone sat way off, all alone. i had a vision moment w/sunlight & windchime in tree, & i'm suspicious of such things, but it happened... on the rd again, a red tailed hawk flew down, then floated, brilliant!, right in front of the love wagon before soaring off... roadside chile verde monster burrito near ducor, home along porterville hwy, headed up bluffs to mom & dad's. mom & dad smiled, aunty rita had her hair done & her red lipstick on, smiling, uncle henry was there for the 1st time in wks, frail as a baby but w/white teeth flashing. i don't remember my little uncle being so handsome. his breath is just a whisper, but his spirits high. so much laughing, & of course, tons of food, from enchiladas to (more) chile verde. i took a run down panorama toward union until b & c picked me up, then at home, we watched the gorgeous LA apocalypse movie "miracle mile," god, i so love that film, then cleaned up & headed to speaker mtg where got to hear handsome old burt read "ch 3" in his sonorous tones, which in a flash i realized are positively johnny cash-like; i could die listening to his voice... then my old friend dan spoke & tho i've known him 13 yrs & see him wkly at our home mtg, i've never heard his story; he was so charming, so sincere, so real tonight. i'm so proud & grateful to know people like him.
now it's time to go mix some music tracks, then head to sleep, & tomorrow, no work! tho i love my library kids more & more, a day off's a wonderful thing. :)