- water's running down the stream again: i've been writing songs, averaging 1 decent one/wk lately! recently i reworked one called "tarzan" i'd written for my old guitar player phil but now realize better explains where i'm at these days, tho w/"artistic license," of course... no song's a straight-arrow truth; that's part of the fun of writing them: freedom to play w/reality. anyways, i hope we do it in dusk devils: we'll see!- how are you? in addition to frequent travel & practice & gigs, lately i've been experiencing the most happy semi-retired bum days, enjoying the breezes up here on the mountain, listening to the wind chimes, gazing at the birds & trees, enjoying visits from vagabond kitty & black-dog buford (traveling neighborhood animals content to plop down @ my pad for a bit, then move on), writing songs, writing journal, playing piano, taking the BRAT out for a little 4-wheeling (haha!), reading, going to meetings, hiking, supping w/friends, doing yoga, enjoying summer foods & coffee, cleaning house (i love keeping my house clean w/the exception of doing dishes, which i hate w/passion!)... don't see how life could be any better, really, as it stands. :)
- ... just spoke to ronnie mack & DDs will be doing the buddy holly/patsy cline barndance in september. yay!! thursday's a radio show w/karling in bakersfield & friday's a gig w/DDs and KA at b ryder's (flyer someplace; i'll try to post it here)... like i said, life is just singing these days. don't wanna think too much about possibly why that would be; will just feel fortunate & hope that your life, too, sings! :)
- i tend to be an emotional chickensh*t where the tough stuff's concerned, but at mama's behest, i gave news of a huge life-change to my ex-husband & -beau the other day. it was tough for me cause i'm not used to being straight w/people when i know it'll potentially make them uncomfortable/sad; i want to smooth everything over, make everyone ok, not look like the bad guy (that last one's probably the real truth). this means i'll lie & fudge in the moment, which only temporarily soothes situations & also ultimately makes me feel like a weasel... however, now w/all in open, i feel freer! it's premature to say, but i might be on the road to growing up (it's about time!!), forging a big, friendly, powerful pact w/a human who seems to want the same. whatever happens, i know the situation i'm in right now is healing, already having brought me much self-revelation &, maybe for us both ultimately, personality integration, at least as much as possible... (middle-class, american, semi-retired: i'm reminded of george carlin's quote. "some people see things that are and ask, why? some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.") anyways, i'm not gonna feel guilty that i have the luxury of time to write about all this -- will just feel grateful. i mean, just to feel understood in "that way" right now is quite a blessing... wow! someone understands me, all of me, & wants to learn more, & doesn't want to change me, nor me, him? unprecedented.
- after speaking to one of the exes, & last nite as i wallowed for a bit in longing & loneliness (briefly, tho, cause my friend called & snapped me out of it), i started thinking about the power & delusion of fantasy life. in real life, it will happen when one person idealizes the other in her/his absence; the reality can never compare. in my case, until i found booze (allowing me to then find bad men), i lived, luxuriated, sequestered myself in fantasy, being obsessed w/famous people... & i still will do it when i am lonely, musing about "if only" or just looking at pictures of, for instance, johnny weismuller or some other incredibly attractive famous male... it was & is like that "mitote" spoken of in that book "the four agreements," an evil fog, really, so much safer than dealing w/real people, especially real boys/men, but keeping me from growing emotionally, keeping me from really living & loving!
- even w/the vision of a mole, i was quite an artistic young person, so i'd gaze, pine, just zone out looking at famous men's faces, spending countless hours drawing them, listening to their music, imagining being w/them, them holding me, kissing me, saving me like knight in shining armor (if our dad's reading this, he probably just vomited. sorry, dad! even being brought up in the gia intellectual tradition, i drank just enough of society's koolaid to be sickened, apparently!)... since, i've been in real-life relationships that were extensions of that youthful delusion. i have "loved" musicians, actors, handsome men, brilliant men, lonely tho bigger-than-life types. i worshiped them as objects, then vilified them. i picked emotionally/geographically unavailable men, dreaming of that someday when they would do what i want, act the way "i know he can," fulfill my script, & then we'd live happily ever after. wow! pretty immature, huh? of course, then the relationships would suck, my "love" for them being conditional. the one i had that went the best, my marriage, went well enough, but there were secrets & sadnesses, tho we today are dear, loving friends...
- what i'm entering into now is no game, no contest, no cover-up, but a triple-L event. i'm not having to manipulate to try to ferret out attentions, nor flirt w/others or reciprocate their interests to fill up the hole in my soul, nor wonder: is he thinking of me? does he love me? does he have my best interest in mind? and i care about his well-being. that one is huge. i've usually felt, shameful to admit, every man for himself. selfish fear makes people do weird things, doesn't it? my dear ex, when we made amends, asked me to be kinder to men. well, b is easy to be kind to -- but w/this person of whom i write now, our shared feelings are humanizing me, softening & making more generous my attitude toward men in general... i feel safe. i know he won't calculatedly ambush me. and i know, cause it's already happened, if we have a wreck, we'll fix it together. he's not gonna just abandon me, bloodied by the roadside, nor will i, him.... heck! if this continues, i'll be a genuinely good human being, able to treat all persons as persons instead of puppets! :)
- if anyone on earth has reason to be a victim, a bad monster, ruined by what life's handed him, it's this human. instead, he's a success, a wiseguy, a smarta*s, a friend, a kind, funny, sage, talented, brave, fiercely intelligent survivor, & together we've started making lemonade from lemons, or as aunty rita has said is impossible, chicken salad from chicken sh*t...
- i've blabbed far too much already... in summation, were this to end today, i'd be destroyed likely for quite some time, but in the end i'd have to be thankful cause it's unprecedented, magical, & changing me for the better. it may be what people throughout the ages have called true love.
- do you relate to any of this? i hope that you do. and i hope that you feel it, too. wish me luck. may you have it, as well.
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