funk & ramble

- i was raised by nice people, school teachers, children of alcoholics, i realized in recent years, which means denial (and politeness, & duty, & not rocking the boat) is their modus operandi... that, i hope, helped them when i was growing up, totally out of control, in the thrall of chemical dependency/alcoholism i didn't understand, tho i now do. i was screwed, long as i imbibed, which i had to, being the slave of physical craving & mental obsession & in those, w/no chance of being a responsible or self-respecting human. then there's this: my life's been relatively trauma-free, w/just the usual things happening that do in life when you have creepy adults pop in here & there (certainly not anyone i consider family), or deal w/males & other "lower companions" while drunk/loaded/in blackout (or heck, sober), as well as the usual sickness & death & tragedy & mundanity & mistake & humiliation & shame that can be part of life... then there's the garden-variety mental illness i have that i know is only the luxury of people like me who have basic needs met... were i to've grown up in equatorial africa, or poor in the middle east, or in a lower caste in india, or any number of other hypotheticals for me but stark realities for most of earth's peoples, i'd certainly not have the mental illness diagnoses i have: i'd be too busy trying to survive to be periodically bat-sh*t "crazy"... don't get me wrong: we were poor, but we had the library, & each other, neurotic & needy & confused & emotionally closed-up as we could be at times... my family is decent decent decent & along with the program, i am alive today because of them. i now want life, not existence or, worse, death (tho that bad patch can strike & numb the brain at times, like ball lightning), & in the past 17 plus years, i've had a buttload, an amazing adventure, tho quite a bumpy one. ultimately, despite sad times, bad times, low times, & more, i am so so grateful, for i get to continue to live & wonder: what will be next? i am most often happy now. i write because at this moment, i'm not, but i know it will return, as certainly, warmly, & comfortingly as will the sunrise... - no quotes or seeming wisdoms today. i'm holding it together but feel that state of ennui & futility approaching that hits when i'm removed from the things my soul needs. lucky i can look out the window & see nature & hear the birds & windchimes that remind me of what is, in my mind, reality. all will get better. all is for the best. i say that not in the candidian sense, not ironically, for i despise irony, & cruelty, & cynicism, the easy refuge of cowards, i think, & the fear that can overtake me out of nowhere, again, the luxury of a "first world" person of some brains & less common sense... i am rambling... did i tell you i have a stat counter on here? and i know who most of you are who read this blog, as well as what pages you read & download & how often you are here? so please don't read my blog all the time, then act as if we've never met, or you don't know me, or any other such nonsense. that just makes me think you are creepy & somewhat of a stalker of me & my loved ones. leave me a comment. you can do so "anonymously." let's be friends, or, if you don't want to, or can't at the least be respectful w/o being creepy, please go away. but if you won't do that, i don't really care, long as you keep your distance. i, being a thinker, worry-wort, & person of conviction, know who i am. do you? are your actions admirable? in line with your morals? are you happy? are you living the life that you should? i usually am, but when i'm not, i have lots of tools to lift the blues, one being writing. i still don't feel much better, but i know that i will. wish you the same, even if you do not return the sentiment, for we are all sister & brother humans in same life-ship which we enter & leave in same manner. yep, we are brethren, whether you like me or not. that is all.