if you don't wanna read about me, go on to another site. but here are some thoughts as i attempt to digest burger & fries:
1. growth & learning always are painful -- sometimes fleeting ("2+2=4," "i should never again touch that hot stove"), sometimes seemingly interminable (me learning to grow up & have an appropriate & kind relationship w/a man)... educators learn about cognitive dissonance. i remember how much my legs ached at night when as a kid i had growing pains. i moaned & suffered stoically as my bones stretched, anticipating reward: i was gonna be a basketball player. then in 7th grade, i stopped growing, my career as a professional athlete, literally, stunted.
2. today's been hot hot hot for the mountain (over 90)... i sat inside all day & wrote songs, & wrote, & did networking, & slept... this eve, all cooled & i set out to lake of the woods to the market there, serving backpacker/hiker/star watchers en route to mt pinos, which means the place has great grub! i piled up on pudding cups, tortillas, drinks, oatmeal cookies (WITHOUT raisins!! raisins in cookies are gross!!) while waiting for my burger & fries, then sat outside in the crisp night with mountains looming all around & full moon rising in indigo sky... my neighbor's told me bats come out in the eve, but this was the first time i'd seen any; i grabbed my ipod & tried to snap some pictures... a thin, grizzled man in ball cap staggered (truly!) out of the moose lodge next to the market. "trying to take pitchers of the bats?" he called. "watch this" -- he scooped up small rocks & began hurling them in the night sky; each time, a bat would swoop. "they think they're bugs!" said the man. i thanked him for helping my photographic attempts; however, it'd been too dark to get a shot, so now i write about it here, hoping i won't forget...
3. on another cool eve, my friend & i stood outside an immaculate & imaginatively-decorated watering hole & spied movement in an office window across the street. we loped over arm in arm & what i had thought to be a dog & cat playing together inside the office instead was... a dog & BUNNY playing together! bunny, tan & white, hopped & leaped & jumped on patient little weener pup; the animals circled & danced & even tumbled at one pt. the watering hole's pretty, sad-eyed bartender, between downing shots w/bar regulars, explained that bunny always is there, that she goes & visits it sometimes after closing up... what a sweet image, this kind-hearted, scratchy-piped gal walking over to say hi to her bunny friend thru the late-night glass... we watched the animals scamper & play until the dog abruptly & obediently turned tail & waddled to his human mother, who, done with the night's business, was gathering her purse to head home... bunny & puppy, frolicking for our enjoyment: if you've ever seen anything this adorable, count yourself lucky. i sure do. :)
4. mama cooked for my 45th birthday. i didn't end up doing the 45-mile walk after all, being too immersed in my new life, music, & all the travel that goes w/both. dad joked that maybe i should have just planned to walk 45 yards. instead, my family met my love, all going better than i could've imagined. i could tell my father was quite impressed by him & that mama & angie liked him quite a lot; i was so pleased when i spied him & my future brother-in-law, a fellow rubber-face who's too led at times a rough life, making faces at each other quietly from across the table... "ok," he grinned, announcing the match to be over, "you pass," & they shook hands. :)
5. this is gross to write, but years ago one male sent me text photos of his private parts. (some women have indicated this is common... how distressing!) my love sends me pictures of his long & strong & talented hands. he is a tough & worldly soul, yet has demonstrated tremendous class & romantic spirit when it comes to matters of the heart...
6. when i had to get sober, forced by a self-imposed crisis" i could "neither evade or postpone," i sat in a mental hospital's waiting room for about 36 hours, waiting & waiting to see the doctor, the only one who could spring me. i knew what i'd tell him: i've realized i'm an alcoholic; when i get home, i'm going straight to a meeting. the doctor kept walking by, ignoring me. all eve. all the next morning. all the next afternoon. he was to leave at 6 pm. "can you help me?" i asked my friend, who 12-stepped me later that eve, who was working at the hospital, who was on to the whole gig. "i'll have to stay here all weekend, if he won't see me today!" at 5 til 6, doc called me in. "i just have one question for you," he somberly intoned. "what?" i replied anxiously. "why do you keep f**king your life up?" ... i was reminded of this recently. a friend's been sick; the docs ran all kinds of tests. they called a week later & told him he was ok. he & all who love him jumped for joy! ...then they called back. he needed to come back in. they made his appointment... for five days later. make him contemplate the worst. make him sweat. in my case, the waiting, waiting, waiting caused me to really think & sink in: i'd been doing it to myself, hurting not just me, but my loved ones. they'd become ill with worry. i'd been selfish. and, in my case, i learned, sick, too, slave to a physical allergy & obsession. i can't safely touch it again... ever. and i can't control it on my own power; i've got to surrender to something bigger & better than me (the rest of this i'll save for a speaker meeting)... the enormity of it loomed larger & larger as hours passed. i was done; i had to be! i wanted to live. never again must i break my mother's heart, nor scare those who love me. people love me!! in my case, if they'd released me immediately, i don't think i would've ever reached this moment of clarity...
7. i'm building boundaries. it's tough cause, like many, i'm a people-pleaser w/a bit of a "coda" problem, & love to write, & reveal, & communicate but obfuscate... then part of "what's wrong w/me" means when stressed i melt down & blab & sob & ooze all over others in an emotional omelet. balance long's been a challenge: how to be moral & responsible, a good role model in an a-bit eccentric package, yet possess these wild black moods that feel like death when they strike? expressing them's part of exorcising them; how to do so appropriately? yes, it's vital to reconcile all, i think... i've told myself "no one reads my blog" & "i'm a nobody" (i'm fine w/both these notions) cause i have no ambitions of fame, only to play music & create & experience life. but i'm told people ARE watching (the rose maddox/buck owens duet "loose talk" might become the abiding theme song), that i have to be more careful of what i write & how i comport myself... so i'm called lately to become more circumspect, less flirty. (dang it! i don't flirt sexually... i like people! i've been told i'm charming & playful, for pete's sake! plus i'm kind of a prude, really, not to mention rather afraid of men; i flirt w/guys AND gals w/usually the purpose of making everyone laugh, think, feel happy & comforted [i save usually in writing, while my friend swoops in like superman; we both maybe could stand to let people have the dignity of their own experiences, meaning at times, let them fall, & then if it's our place, pick them up & dust them off]... ... the problem can be, i gotta admit, "usually." sometimes i have fallen short & have overstepped boundaries w/men when i'm lonely, wound-up, craving attention... the cavern of loneliness can swell so huge, it agonizes, feels so lethal, bringing such desperation... ah, stupid fallible human fears & foibles...) to be more private, grown-up, yet still true to self: to combine no-nonsense toughness (my friends) w/genteel politesse (my family): well, i'd have it made. "just be yourself," he said. but who is that? "oneself," i guess, is ideally an ever-evolving creature, & the evolving soul must be brave, for, to return to the original thought, growth, change is painful, even messy. i'm rising to this new challenge. i can, i will, i am, i must. i want to be brave & good & better, more loyal & worthy, more useful all the time. don't you? :) should you still be reading, & should you desire it, know that you, too, can rise to any challenge.
have a lovely day or night; have a lovely life, for that matter... and may we all stay green so that we may grow...
yes, i was gonna analyze & parse that, too, but heck, you've got a brain: please interpret as you will... :)
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