- so sad. so so so so sad!!! hate feeling this way. hate feeling like i'm on the outside looking in!! this is how i spent most of my life til i started drinking. then i was filled with liquid courage & a feeling of being better than everyone, tho secretly i knew i was much much worse.
- i've been vetting my blog of gross people i've known, & saw how after my first marriage ended, i went into an extended nervous breakdown, carrying on, (mostly) working, but nearly out of my mind with grief, guilt-driven mania, & sadness. the guy i was seeing had really convinced me i was crazy & inherently wrong. i believed it!! that was evil behavior, just evil.
- i'm emotional, not crazy. but dang it, i've always been so sensitive. mama always has told me to toughen up... it's never happened!! still get my feelings hurt so deeply. i hate it!!
- this morn after yoga i picked us up a box from the post office. it contained two fisher-price toys: james's was a see'n'say; he pulled its string & it began to spin: "the cow says moo!" we both smiled, then he rolled over & went back to sleep. mine? my favorite babyhood toy, the music-box record player. you activated it by turning the yellow plastic crank, then sliding the chunky arm on to the colorful plastic record disc, which bore raised rectangular grooves. you turned it off with a plastic toggle on top of the player, storing the multi-colored "records" in a slot (they always fell out & i remember them laying amongst all the toys on the floor in our room). this set-up was all so much more charming than the everyday battery operation the little device now relies upon. however, i desperately wanted to hear it, so james got me a tiny screwdriver & i inserted batteries. the little song started to play, & i couldn't help it: i burst into tears. i hadn't heard those little songs in at least 45 years! the sense memory that poured out was accompanied by no details. i just suddenly felt overwhelmingly sad, confused, & joyful. maybe hearing those songs took me back to the emotions i felt as a baby!
- was supposed to have an event today for the kids at fort tejon. cancelled it. james said, "look at the weather. you need to cancel!" and i did! i shouldn't have. i thought i was going to have a full evening; that influenced me cancelling. then it never rained!! and now i'm not having a full evening!! i feel guilty. i should've been there for the kids. most all of them weren't going to be there, but mama said i should be there for the ones that would. and i didn't. and now i'm home. i feel like a failure, like i let them down, even tho everyone i called sounded not one bit disappointed or surprised. the weather had turned bad... but it never rained. i feel like an idiot. :(
- tonight's anthony's birthday. i love anthony!! tonight the band has a super-fun show. here i am at home. james & i had a misunderstanding & i got my feelings hurt. not a fight, no marriage troubles, we have been getting along very well... but we had talked about tonight. he didn't remember. and i cancelled my school event.. and now i'm home... i could've gone anyway, but too many baby feelings welled up: frustration, sadness, so sad, so frustrated, waawaaawaaa!
- no one to blame but myself.
- a rabbit just hopped down a game trail across the arroyo. this morn when i woke, i saw more animals than ever out the beautiful window: flocks of birds streaming north; two chestnut-black-&-white chipmunks, so cute, jumping here & there; a dumb-looking little gopher scooting earth out in toothy mouthfuls as he burrowed; a lovely rabbit loping along, stopping to nibble grass; then the quail!, the lookout male, regal & funny & beautiful, keeping a watch as the covey waddled through the backyard.... a little cat has appeared. he is as sweetly friendly as peewee is antisocial. peewee, saved by james when pee was only about a week old, never has been socialized in feline ways. this little cat is different, so lovable, even needy, in a "normal" cat way. we named him peeps due to his squeaky mew. so there is much animal life around here for which to be grateful.
- this past week was teacher appreciation week, so two of our high-power teachers spearheaded a really nice daily thank-you for us all, decorating the lounge, nice treats daily, friday, a taco bar & "awards" for us all (their students colored them). the awards i received were these: cheesy jokes award; stageworthy award (for encouraging students to be ready to be in the spotlight); and (my favorite) lights up the room award. i am thankful for these kind recognitions. they remind me that i am appreciated, even loved, at my school. and damn me for cancelling today's event at fort tejon... there's not much i can do now except not wallow. and next time, just do it.
- james just called near tears. "i'm so sorry," he said, "now i remember us talking about you playing tonight. please forgive me." and i do. how can i not? i love him so much.
- tomorrow is dad's birthday. he wants us all to "sing songs." i have a plant for him, too. it's nearly perished under my care, but i know dad will make it grow lush & happy.
- i will read. i will rest. someday again i'll play lots of music, ike i used to in my "crazy" days. i might not play as much as i used to, but i like the person i am better now, & that's much more important.
- have a fun evening, if you're still reading.
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