so burrr blablabla

i had to stop drinking in 1995, & when i first started going to meetings, all i heard about was "the international" in san diego. every 5 yrs, the worldwide association of 12 stepping drunks has an international convention someplace in north america. i had missed "the international" by just two weeks!! i'd been on some of my last drunks while 100s of thousands of happy sober people were at "the international"!! it drove me nuts & thought i, i'm going to the next one or die trying!! of course, that meant i had to keep the plug in the jug...
back then, several hard-a**es & program doomsayers took one look at my young, selfish, immature newcomer butt & got my number, telling me i'd "never make it."
"oh YEAH???" i sputtered. "i'll show THEM!!" know-it-all jerks!! i would make it!!
then i got cast as glinda the good witch in a 12 step adaptation of the wizard of oz; my main lines were "the promises," which, if you don't know, are that part of "the big book" that tells you all the positive, mature, rewarding things you'll be able to do once you sober up & start to grow up. i'd drive around downtown bakersfield at night practicing my lines, steering & muttering those promises to myself, & realized i WANTED those things in my life!!
all the nice people i met, along w/the promises, the doomsayers, my immediate identification w/the big book, & the lure of upcoming international conventions helped ensure that i stayed off the sauce day by day.
i was in like flynn in bakersfield sober circles for many yrs. i loved helping others, feeling useful & purposeful, like a good person, "part of," yet outside the gossip. i had a strong role model in my 1st husband, a close-mouthed man who, like my dad, just didn't believe in telling tales. i felt good, even great, more uncrazy than ever at many times during those years... we went w/friends to the 2000 international in minneapolis as well as the 2005 in toronto. my dear friend jani & i walked around a colorful international market; we all went to the ginormous mall of the americas; i fell off the rails emotionally & missed seeing ronnie dawson at a local club; we ate thai food & delicious fish; we visited meetings in many languages & walked amongst thousands, thousands of happy sober people. in 2010 i'd just gone through a very sad divorce & went to the convention in san antonio. i saw my ex-husband there as well as throngs of bakersfield friends who'd traveled to the tx gathering in a big cheerful herd. i was in a really bad spot in life emotionally & spiritually then, but the convention was all-wonderful.
the next one's in atlanta. i'll have 20 years. did i mention the conventions always fall on my sober birthday weekend? my selfish part is pleased by this: every 5 yrs, i celebrate my bd not just with the u.s.a., but w/the sober world. i've started really getting excited about this convention, going to atlanta w james, continuing on to kentucky to again visit his loving, wonderful family there, traveling, being sober, having a chance to keep growing, getting healthier, connecting to others, helping & being helped, not just existing but feeling fully awake & alive.
can't wait!!!
to conclude, here's a section from the most important book i've ever read, pp 152-153. when 1st i heard it, at the little church meeting that was my thursday night home for 14 years, my chest swelled & i nearly cried. i grew up loving superheroes. i never wanted to become what i did, a confused, desperate, unhappy, sick in all ways girl-woman who broke her mother's heart, hurt all who loved her, in the vice of a fatal disease. these promises, not the ones i had to learn for the play, are ones that kept me coming back, & still do. there's hope for a new life to anyone who wants it. this isn't the only way, but it's the way that has worked for me.  if you, too, are inspired by what you read below, here's the link:

[Here you will] find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you.

"How is that to come about?" you ask. "Where am I to find these people?"

You are going to meet these new friends in your own community. Near you, alcoholics are dying helplessly like people in a sinking ship. If you live in a large place, there are hundreds. High and low, rich and poor, these are future fellows of [the program]. Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey. Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of "Love thy neighbor as thyself."

It may seem incredible that these men are to become happy, respected, and useful once more. How can they rise out of such misery, bad repute and hopelessness? The practical answer is that since these things have happened among us, they can happen with you. Should you wish them above all else, and be willing to make use of our experience, we are sure they will come. The age of miracles is still with us. Our own recovery proves that!

Our hope is that when this chip of a book is launched on the world tide of alcoholism, defeated drinkers will seize upon it, to follow its suggestions. Many, we are sure, will rise to their feet and march on. They will approach still other sick ones and fellowships... may spring up in each city and hamlet, havens for those who must find a way out.

"hope is the thing with feathers..."

- doh! current life for james & me is exciting, scary, lonely but not empty, & really good -- it's a time of huge positive change for better-than-ever health in all ways! i am hopeful & happy for him, & i know he is for me.
- this eve we went to dinner w/aunty rita & i was treated to an ahi salad, which she says uncle henry always used to order, so i got it in his honor. wow - it was so delicious! company was nice, too. so fortunate am i -- must never forget!
- the wind, which has been blowing like a banshee for three days now, finally stopped; i am learning a new mantra & practice as well as taking contrary action (positive instead of fearful/selfish!); i've been reunited w/many fellow trudgers whom i love: life feels wide-open, full of promise for improved wholeness, moral & physical integrity, a slipping away of fear in exchange for loving faith in the great ineffable that moves mountains -- not to mention anticipation of good times, music, creativity, good purpose, fun, & true appreciation, support, & love, not mere infatuation... here are some pix for now & may you be warm, safe, &, if not happy, at least healthy &/or wealthy in corpus, animus, et spiritus...

row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...

-> thank you, everybody, for being my friend. tomorrow, july 4th, i will celebrate 17 years of sobriety. i am overwhelmed this yr w/the feeling that i have lived a whole 2nd life as a sober person, & i know at this moment i'll strive to continue to do so, for this life, bumps, bruises, & all, is a life, rather than the too-often futile-seeming existence i have led... my life's changed significantly in the past few months, & as i've written here, i feel so grateful & amazed, but at this moment, after meditating over the moonrise, also a tad melancholy: i've shared sober birthdays w/people whom i may not see again. i just will have to hold them in my heart & believe that everyone is better this way, that the stream of destiny is carrying me so steadily & gently lately bc i am no longer fighting against its current... events are unfolding so easily now, i can't help feeling that i am beginning to "fulfill my destiny," even tho voicing that idea brings me some intellectual discord... i shall CHOOSE to believe! magic, spirit, beauty, transcendence are so much more captivating than cold hard seeming-fact (what truly is "objective," anyways?), so following my apparently supernatural leanings, perhaps there is purpose, direction, meaning i am to fulfill, even as tiny as i am in this universe. yes, in this moment i shall have faith in this fate, accept it, glory in & be grateful for it. and if it turns out to be coincidence, randomness, chaos, i'll find out eventually bc my life will take a different course (even that phrase, however, suggests intention)... for now, i will chance the notion that "right now" evidences the unfolding of some purpose & scheme i cannot understand. and i am very, very happy for it. and i have the feeling lately that i "must've done something right" to be getting this apparent reward...
-> i just sat outside at my mountain house & watched the beautiful maizey-full moon rise as the hushed sky darkened to indigo & quail chirped & clucked to one another & little bats & birds flew overhead & i remembered, suddenly remembered what a sad mess my life was 17 yrs ago on this very night & how it is now... truly i don't recall ever feeling this peaceful, happy, & grateful as i have approached a sobriety birthday. i have no anxiety, no worry, no what-ifs in my mind... only calmness & a sweet sense of serenity.
-> yes, somehow, from the absolute worst has come an incredible (for me) life. :) thank you again, so, so much; even if you don't know it, you help me & we are & always will remain connected.
"that man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest." (thoreau)
"thank you for all You have given me, for all You have taken away from me, for all You have left me." (anonymous)
love to you & yours, j

happy independence day!!! and it's a big music weekend for dusk devils, karling & the atomics, more!

today is july 4, an especially important day for me (see below) as well, of course, on a much, much larger scale, the united states of america... may we all be freed today of whatever oppresses us, be it physical, spiritual, or elsewise. a special prayer, thought, intention, too, for dear loved ones who are in pain. i fervently, sincerely wish them return to good health & strength as quickly as possible... as i know many more of you are experiencing, too, tho life may be wonderful, it hurts to see loved ones suffer... i pray that i'll be ready to help however possible, whenever asked.
meanwhile, in the fun & frivolous dept (tho sunday's a benefit for a kind friend), this weekend:

happy independence day!

here in laverne, ca, which is a kind of mayberry of east LA county, 4th of july is celebrated big time!! it will be great to celebrate the country's (&, on so-much tinier scale, my own) independence w/my dear friend, in the place where 16 yrs ago to the day i was forced to end my drinking "career." today when the air finally, mercifully cooled enough to do so, we rode bikes along long, wide, flat roads to a large camping & boating area heavy w/trees & smelling of barbecue & flowers & wind & roasting marshmellows, even, packed w/happy holiday revelers & families, & then past a huge swimming area in the beautiful sprawling lake, filled w/squealing, splashing figures, then, legs churning, up & down windy mtn roads over a dam & lastly sailing back down into verdant town w/streets lined w/towering pines & immaculate arts & crafts homes & chairs already set up for tomorrow's parade & flags.
yesterday we all celebrated big manny, such a well-loved soul... we showed up @ taste of texas in nearby covina to find the big barbecue joint-dancehall PACKED w/probably 500 people, over the course of the night... here are some pix from the happy, love- & music-filled evening... the highlight for me was seeing faces i haven't for 20 yrs, playing w/manuel (altho we didn't get to do any chuck berry, & i couldn't hear my amp), especially when he reached over & tinkled the keys w/me, in his gentle silly way, as well as dancing the night away w/santa monica walter, a super-fun & funny friend of jackie gleason girth & grace... what a dance partner! he swung & twirled girls around the dance floor all night long, & when it was my turn, i felt like i, too, could dance! walter's that good a lead.
happy independence day to all! may you be a bit more free...

yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!! baravelli on cirrhosis: "so roses are red, so violets are blue, so sugar is sweet, so so are you."

... to which wagstaff (groucho) replies, "i can't see him, but i'll bet i know who he is..." b celebrated 20 yrs w/o the hair o'the dog today! thus cirrhosis, at least for today, again has been averted by 200% in this household... unsinkable uncle henry left icu for a regular hospital bed today. :) my hives went away - no more itching!! the librarian pt of my job is beautiful! my little oral language festival team is quite great! the teaching pt of my job, generally horrifying this yr, has seemed nearly manageable lately (knock formica), w/improvement nascent! i feel warm & fuzzy toward young-uns i have wanted to run screaming from (preposition dangle)... we practice this eve w/all 4 ddevils & fueled on a $1 store energy drink & funny friends & music, i was rocketed into the 4th dimension. :)
manuel finished his record today!! i sent him final artwork tonight. next it's off to the printer's in (i think) missouri or someplace... i'm excited to hear the final mix! (here's the back cover i made. mono is his little dog.) :)
my favorite time of yr is here... family family family family family friendship fellowship food food food food food laughs warmth love music music music music music... the phantom turkey run is thursday!! we might do a little holiday gig next wkend!!! we'll see. stay tuned fo mo on the latter, if it floats your boat. :) :) :)

thee good ghosts of cedar edge & estrogen-huffing mosquitos must die

i'm sitting here on a rock & boy, the dang bugs really like me (i read, to my chagrin & cynical satisfaction, that they love estrogen) & boy, is my can getting sore, outside the library here near the grand mesa in colorado & it's dusk (like dussssssk devils, yes). friends from the clean & sober run are walking/riding by, eyeing me quizzically, but all smiling because clean/sober people who work a program are generally happy & grateful types, rescued from a common despair by a common solution, & i had to post this because it is simply amazing to not just be here (there go two more motorcycles, two more guys from the run smiling a little funny, oh, there's that girl who wears all that makeup & look she's sitting there on that rock & is she on the internet??)... ok, to be online like this is pretty amazing, but to be HERE for the 11th time is more amazing. there are good ghosts here: san jose jack, mike day's dad, redneck, stacy's dad, & stacy herself. it's "sacred ground," woody said, right before he whipped out a "instant redneck" doll that you add water to & watch blow up to "life size" (before we left to eat, he whispered into the water cup, "ok, redneck, we're going to eat, you gonna go? no? you wanna stay here?" because sacred & silly go together like peas & mashed potatoes, to woody)... two summers ago we put some of dear dear stacy's ashes on the cactus where the others' ashes are. at that time, the cactus was doing terrible, but this yr when we came back, it was blooming heartily, flowering pinkly even, & i thought, of course it is, cause that's how stacy was. she lost her way & had to leave this earthly place in such a tragic manner, but back at the serenity run, where she & we all have had such amazing times, she has blossomed again & we all can remember her smile & spirit, warm & wide & wild as texas, beautiful stacy forever stamped in our memories & hearts...
well, my butt's sore, so i'd better go walk back & meet the others.
on the music front, i still have no cell phone (left it in a coffee house in twin falls, id) so have no idea about big manny band practice upcoming, but getting online here, i got a good tip on the LA derby girls from my stepson (thank you, cody!!) & see that skip heller, "very pro-bakersfield these days" (he doesn't know bakersfield yet, i half-jokingly say), is back at narducci's on aug 7, & if the heavens line up & the great pumpkin wills it, i'll be home to see him play, home to my family, piano, & doggie dears.
well, i typed long enough that b has just pulled up to ride us back to the no-tell motel, where friends are, & now he's joking mordantly to friends riding by about being an "email widower," so better vaminos for now.
...being here at the international serenity run has remedied my homesickness for the most part. so many familiar faces, all converging in this beautiful spot to celebrate living w/o drugs & booze, just still LIVING: so many people i'm happy to see & who say the same to me.
as i heard today, better to be seen than to be viewed. amen, brothers & sisters. ah-men.

claudia e. - rest in peace

->she was a lovely lovely lady, one of everyone's favorites. she was the queen of one-liners. she had the cutest kindest little mischievous smile. she had down-home grandma wisdom. she always knew just what to say - something wise that'd pull your covers, but was necessary, funny, comforting, truthful. she helped save so many women's lives, just being herself. she always sat at the end of the table at the women's meetings tues & thurs. one time i came in & the group was having a valentine's day party (at this meeting, they always have fancy food, decorations, flowers, making the "program of attraction" even more alluring). claudia & pat, the "old timers" of the group, sat there in their usual spots wearing the silliest pink & red fuzzy hats that coiled up six inches above their heads & were topped with big fuzzy hearts. i don't know who i enjoyed watching more that day - regal, calmly beaming pat, or spritely, grinning claudia. she was like a grandma-aged kid - like charlie brown's lucy or peppermint patty all grown up & wised up & come to love everyone.
->i never got to know her well enough. we stood around her hospital bed two days ago & recited the serenity prayer. she was suffering, but they said she looked better. she was unconscious, unresponsive, but when pat bent over to whisper to her, her fiercely rapid heartrate slowed. we began to talk & she started to stir. even near her death, she was participating the best she was able: claudia was a fighter like that.
->her sponsees & friends stayed there in the hospital room, held a vigil, vowed "we'll be here til she draws her last breath." downed by surgery yesterday, i wasn't there when claudia passed away. however, i know they were. i know now she's not suffering, but again, what a loss. even those who knew her just a little, like me, were so blessed to have been able to do so. this wonderful, kind, funny, & special lady died sober, surrounded by loved ones. we'll miss her so much. :(