happy howwwwwloween from the pages!!

thank you, cindy, for the pix. :)

ain't no haint gonna run me off...

in honor of tomorrow's all hallow's eve, here are favorite scare flicks from the house of page: mister page -- the exorcist, night of the living dead, phantasm, children shouldn't play with dead things; missus page -- zombi, the last exorcism, texas chainsaw massacre, island of lost souls; both: sean of the dead, bride of frankenstein, dracula... and remember... tomorrow night at harvelle's in long beach... the one, the only...!!!! mwahahahahahahaha!!! happy halloweeeeeen!!!!

"don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. where you go i will go, and where you stay i will stay. your people will be my people and your god my god." we did it. we did it! more later...

no, we ain't humpty dumpty: "fall down seven times, stand up eight")...

i think the latter's a chinese proverb, maybe of military or confucian origin (i flat don't know, in other words); the former i wrote cause i knew humpty dumpty for a few yrs, & yes, james & i have broken pieces, but we definitely are putting everything back together again, in fact, stronger than ever we could on our own (he says this is true, too, which is so cool: we're on the same page!)... well, our combined show this wkend (green flyer below)'s cancelled. yes, i had an accident & hurt myself; james says my nickname should be "lumpy"... i'm feeling better & know i'll be ok, tho was pretty concerned two days ago! stupid mortality! re the music, we'll do shows "at our leisure," he says, & tells me not to worry; my health is the most important thing, he says, which is true... can't play well, even if not sick, when anxious & bashed-up like i've been! we saw avengers the other day (one good scene, where hulk smashes loki) & then joked that the jenny superhero action figure would stand there & wring her hands & wail while the james one would detonate like hulk... it's still so refreshing to joke about the darkest sides of us, to acknowledge them & work together to overcome or maybe transmute them. :) ... here's his favorite pic of us; he says we look "buff," & it's really a great pic of him, i'll say. :) i don't feel too buff right now, but after my crash earlier this week, i do feel lucky & glad to not've gotten myself too bashed up physically or mentally... may you who read this be healthy & happy, or

at least one of the two, if you can't have both.

halt, miel de lune, well my baby & i got happy at the halloween haunt

(we are singing a song off the cuff right now about the other night's fun at knott's scary farm. "you're writing something f**ked up about me, aren't you?" he chuckles, clutching homer & willie, then laughing, "you suck!") in the secret society, people talk about "halt"ing sometimes, tho it's no place in the book. the idea is, don't let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. up til a few mins ago, i'd let myself get too "h" & w/typical worry was thinking something was seriously wrong til james's son james (james the younger or, as his dad calls him, w/usual humorous scorn, & in this case, w/historical reference, too, "the lesser") remarked, "you probably just need to eat." james sr (the greater?) cooked up a huge pot of what dad always called "three-way," a dish i believe he learned to make in the navy, & well, i feel much sweller after a big bowl of the tasty mix of chili, spaghetti noodles, bell peppers onions, & cheese... back to "halt," i've thought it should instead be called "shalt," w/the initial "s" meaning sick since i've allowed myself to get sick a lot in many ways, just out of bad habit... anyways, it's a lovely day here near the beach w/lazy eve approaching; i was horridly surprised by the heat upon arriving here near-2 wks ago, tho was told it at that time was anomalously humid... then a few days ago we all were wakened by flashes in the sky & rolling blasts of thunder. i was glad to know such storms from living in the mtns the past few yrs cause otherwise it might've been a little scary; afterward, showers crashed down & tepid still turned to fragrant cool, sending different perfumes than do the mtns: eucalptus, mainly, & even sea smell... anyways, the weather's been balmy but comfortable since, & i even got in a run on the cool evening streets, & now we all sit & loll around, digesting & contemplating a movie this eve, maybe, or sweet nothing... here are a few pix from recent days: james & i after practicing w/bassman robbie, photo by james jr; then us at the halloween haunt on the day of our miel de lune or lunes de miel, of sorts. no, we didn't get hitched yet, but it was during that long morning storm & thereafter, throughout that day, that he remembered me & i, him, & then we spent the evening celebrating, really celebrating the spirit of holiday & halloween & spirits & playing w/monsters & fear & festivity. it was a wonderful, even unforgettable 10-11-12, for sure... today brought practice w/scott abeyta & next wk, a special gig combining james's & my bands. to share music, on top of everything else, even w/the certain tough times & growth periods, well, it makes me pause & look over at him, so strong & sweet & silly, & say, w/sincerity, "i couldn't be happier," & he smiles back & agrees. i hope that you are the same, whomever & wherever you are. (yes, i mean you.)

...

children of the night...

... yes, they/we make (beautiful) music, tho we can't hear them here in the city & we're not children & i'm not really of the night, rather poised between love of dawn & dusk & nighttime & morning, depending on the mercury of my moods... anyways, we in this houselet love love love monsters, tho he prefers lugosi, the strong, fierce, suffering junkie & me, karloff, the polite, saturnine, suffering-seeming gentleman... i just was looking up quotes from the lugosi dracula & realized i have many favorites. here are some: Count Dracula: For one who has not lived even a single lifetime, you're a wise man, Van Helsing. Renfield: No, no, master. I wasn't going to say anything, I told them nothing. I am loyal to you master. Count Dracula: Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make. Renfield: God will not damn a poor lunatic's soul. He knows that the powers of evil are too great for those with weak minds. Count Dracula: There are far worse things awaiting man than death. Renfield: Isn't this a strange conversation, for people who aren't crazy? (and, of course, since i haven't drank alcohol in such a long long time:) Count Dracula: I never drink wine... ... we're kids of the late 60s-early 70s, the 1st era of an openly schizophrenic mix of sweet & horrifying (peanuts & family affair to the 1st war to be broadcast, uncommercialized & unexpurgated, on primetime), so i especially liked this thing he posted yesterday on facebook: ... this week we all go to knotts scary farm/halloween haunt, the "greatest haunted house halloween spook show in the nation," which they've gone to many times but i, supplanted central californio, never have. i can't wait to get the sh*t scared out of me!! now time to make another pot of joe & wake the monster amazing & everyday & awesome...

............

we're here. it's a new life.

FRANKLIN MOTEL by Jenny & the Phantoms

[FOREWARD TO THIS POST: these songs most all are about james page, my now-husband, which i could not say at the time...]have had too much energy lately, 90% good... yesterday i got fed up & decided to do something useful w/it, like record this little thing, which in the old days might've been dubbed an EP, but today is just a DIY, one-day, one-woman toss-away... hang in there, if you will, thru the 1st song, on which i really messed up the levels: yikes! it improves after that... made this song collection a video cause wanted to present lyrics, too. they were fun & satisfying to assemble! i never much heed lyrics while enjoying music, tho do love to write them... hope you like the songs, slapdash as they be. :)
thanks to all my friends, musicians & non, who've encouraged me to make a "real" solo record in a "real" studio... maybe it'll happen! we'll see if there's any reaction to this latest batch of tunes... meantime, it's so awesome that such well-known & respected american roots scholars, performers, & songwriters (listed below) would think i'm worthy!! all i know is, i love to write & perform music, tho to call my efforts rough would be generous (have got this impatience thing that prevents me from doing many retakes to get things more correct, like on solos, levels, etc, & i have no idea how to mix)... i'm so happy to have realized lately that no matter, who ever, wherever, whenever, nothing ever can or will separate me from my music... it's as much a part of me as breath. how about for you? can you or should you allow yourself to be separated from your bliss? i think we should not, long as that bliss doesn't hurt anyone! :)
dusk devils play tomorrow, march 17, at the ridgecrest fairgrounds sometime in the evening... we'll headline a super-rocking long set w/our sturdy awesome rhythm section... i should have a flyer; i should have this & that; really all i know is, i'll wear my new piano-keyboard punk-lolita tutu & some green for st patty's day, & we will kick butt!... tomorrow, too, is my friend jp's birthday. i'll miss his awesome bd bash down south, but we dusk devils are gonna have some mondo-top-fun, i just know it!! and afterwards we all got comped rooms, & since i don't have "real" TV here at my mtn home, HBO, here i come! :)
meanwhile, happy birthday, frankenstein! may you who read this be, if not in, then en route to your bliss, one way or nuther... :) xo
:D

"do you know how it feels to be like this?"

- five royales
- and how are you, dear reader? my friend & i played that song on the fly the other day for a show & kinda blew it... he'd been up a bit too long to well-sing it, which caused me to fold in a few spots cause i thought i was the one messing us up, but even so, he's one of the best singers on earth, living or dead, plus it's a gorgeous song, so the rendition really couldn't suck no matter what...
- tho some of us've not been there for decades, since birth, actually, i send greetings from planet j. my life changed recently. it's ok now that i am kind of insane. a paradigmatic shift, a sea shift has occurred. crazy = ok, long as i don't hurt anyone, & it's even cool & desirable, in some people's eyes, indicating creativity & passion & commonality. i am understood, & i understand.
- "i refuse to let our combined mental illnesses keep us from having fun." wow! talk about practical, kind, realistic, reassuring. wonder powers, activate.
- may you who read this feel the sense of wonder i now do... what an amazing feeling, to be like this. it's about dang time. incredible. stupefying. bonkers. fun. man, am i grateful. and i believe it can only get better, less someone drops dead. so i gotta be sure to take care of this temple so i can enjoy & learn from & deepen & revel in this next chapter to its fullest.
- gigs lately have been great, & visiting's been funner, & wilder, & sweeter, & scarier, w/a few socks to the gut followed by revelation & amazingly quick growth & connection... yes, i am talking about personal stuff here, but no details, never any details on here, just limning cause it's all just human experience, anyways, common to all: existence, birth, love, life, death... more later maybe.

"i don't want silver, i don't want gold..."

it's true & long has been! (no, i've never wanted silver & gold, nor riches & fame; don't need no king of sweden!... however, in the realm of things, well, comics, records, candy, snacks, energy drinks, coffee, a massage, a long drive at night, a drive-in (or any!) movie, a cool dress, cheap makeup, a good workout, a rocknroll show, dawn, dusk, weird laughs, doggies, kitties, bargains... there ARE thousands of things i do love -- ultimately, tho, "the most important things in life are not things," attributed to many, is such a true sentiment...) anyways, blablabla.

there can be no veil for this...

- so i won't write about it. cept in my journal, that is. actually, i can't adequately write about it... too amazing. seemingly. at this moment. who knows what tomorrow'll bring. my life has become wondrous in a way i never thought it could. was trying hard to resist, but when i let go... well, i wish all well.
- but in another vein, yesterday i got to go hiking w/two new friends & one i've known for 20 yrs, tho not well, andy noise, who had a record store in bk forever... what a nice experience! andy heads the bakersfield distance project & i'm hoping to work w/him as my at-least part time trainer to prep for my 45-mile birthday walk... the day was really swell & the scenery beautiful, but unfortunately i filled my camelback bag too hurriedly (they pulled up & i was still watching howlin wolf videos online -- eep!), & the sucker leaked all over me for the entire hike, all the way up to the summit of mt pinos, along sawtooth pass, for a good 3 hrs, & a cold snap had hit... so that combined w/happily, crazily burning the candle at both ends this past wk has put me in a sick bed...
- got to watch, tho, the coolest max fleischer cartoons, betty boops featuring louis armstrong & cab calloway, & eat the last pretzels in this house w/pb packets mama bought me for france, but which i didn't take...
(- so much i write on here is veiled... hope it's not too annoying for you who read... i always try to remember that my experiences are universal cause we're all pink meat & white bone underneath, to paraphrase carl perkins -- nothing i do is novel, really...) anyways, here's some unobfuscated stuff:
- today at 530, boxcar 7, a band recommended by ed boswell, will play for free at the pine mountain club clubhouse (actually, out on the lawn). bartending will be dusk devils robbie! i don't know if anyone on earth from the mountain will see this in time, but if too late, know there are music events & robbie drinks going on up at the PMC clubhouse all the time...
- tomorrow, sunday, is a rockabilly bbq in santa clarita, ca. dusk devils are on at 530 pm, karling & the atomics at 930 pm... it should be swell fun! here's the flyer:

ribbit... yawn... blablablablablablablablablablablabla

- (excessive 1st person pronoun alert... dang it, it's my blog! why do i apologize? good grief. oh well.)
- life's hopping, tho activity's been slow here on the blablablog... a frog in my throat since last saturday, i sang my pipes out completely at our DD/karling & atomics show in sta clarita, afterward collapsing into total sicky land. (word around bakersfield, which ALWAYS is the word around bakersfield, btw: "there's something nasty going around...") been pretty miserable, worsening things by continuing to try to gallivant as well as show up for family, telling friends since it's just physical sickness, i can handle it -- a wan joke... shoulda seen it coming, tho, & been smarter: been hitting it too hard. then there was the cold (tho fun) 6.5 mile hike led by andy noise/exploding water bag (read beblablablablalow)... dang, why is common sense so elusive? must get some payoff, as must all who may be intelligent, but aren't too dang smart, literally in my case not smart enough to come in out of the rain (well, water)... back to sta clarita, i've never done a show so laryngitically: ouch, it hurt intensely!! so like at our last show at trout's (bassless), i figured we better just attack that sucker & rock it extra super-hard!! i found out that robbie's stage presence is as cool-solid as stevo's is winning as well as that people still seem to love dusk devils & tell me kind, flattering things, even when i have no voice, & that a rockabilly-punk band called inazuma, who played clean-up that night, are my favorite japanese band since guitar wolf... wow! those guys were super-cool & rockin!!! they really capped the whole eve for me & made it one of the funnest gigs i've had in some time, ill health included. it was so swell to hear & watch them grind out "shakin all over" as kids & oldsters bounced off one another in a slampit... haven't seen anything like that in quite some time!
- being sick all wk i've had to realize how much i miss & get a kick out of my silly, neotenic voicet; it was reduced to a scratch, then a bark, then a nothing, then a whisper, then a drag queen, then waylon flower's madam, marge simpson, fran drescher w/o the honk, & finally, finally it's about 80% back, tho i still can't sing too well & still have a lot of throat/ear/eye pain...the impulse to just shout it out is near-overwhelming. i can't recall so, so wanting to sing! i guess the sentiment that "you always want what you can't have" extends beyond "love"... i've had two chances to play music this wk w/others & one i absolutely could not resist, so through the glass shards piercing my ears & throat, sang i did, realizing tho my range is significantly reduced, were i to have to continue like this, i could evolve into a shout singer cause there can be no fear: a person's got no choice but to belt it out good!!
- went to a few music shows to see my wild bluesman friend james blast the concrete off the barroom floor like he always does, feeling unusually shocked & amazed by his & his band's charisma, tightness, musical prowess/knowledge, & sorcerer-like power, whipping the crowd up in a wave of musical frenzy & catharsis ("a dionysian!" exclaimed my artist friend, her eyes lighting up w/joy, when i told her how he blows each solo & belts out each song as if it could be his last, w/such commitment to performance, any human unmoved, or rather, un-entranced, would have to be one incapable of emotion or in heavy denial)... so i showed up & was so surprised & flattered (& slightly embarrassed) to be greeted as if it were MY show, too!, w/people asking left & right when DDs were gonna play & how much they love ME (me??)... i tell you, who could've envisioned this kind of response from folks? i can only be dazed & grateful & try to appreciate it while i'm here, at this time in my life, doing it... i especially love that i get such kind attention from other women... anyways, back to the voice, a gal singer at one show told me she ruined hers for YEARS not resting it during laryngitis, even had to have surgery on her vocal cords. that should scare me, & it did momentarily, but my monkey don't listen & also has a short attn span.
- i hope i don't pay dearly for this some day... :(
- dang, how many times in life, in how many situations, have i (you, too, maybe?) "vaguely sensed," as it says in the big book, "i was not being any too smart," then ignored the little voice (not the monkey; monkey usually is the "big voice," unfortunately) & went full-steam ahead into whatever foolishness loomed? the big book also says, "common sense will... become uncommon sense." ha! when? well, only when i'm willing to take some right action! -- not when i'm running around w/pockets full of cash & no commitments except to play music & hang out w/loved ones. talk about a spoiled life i'm having right now!... merde... i shudder now, tho, realizing that the only way i've ever cleaned up my ways is thru some calamity/nightmare/travesty or other... unless i want the bad monkey to hog the cage, & indeed, crap all over & eventually ruin it, i need to be back in service.
- dang it!! i used to tell students one of the main benefits of writing is it helps them figure stuff out... this just was proved to me again.
- after all, as a friend so in-eloquently but truthfully stated, "i'm too old for this sh*t" -- that is, too old to be on tears that, tho clean & sober in my case, involve too-long hours, not enough sleep, performing w/hysterical, sometimes near-berserk exuberance, then shouting & having ears screamed into in order to "chat" in crowded bars & nightclubs... & then there are the cigarettes. i don't have the nicotine jones like my dear ex-hubby or wbj do, thank the great pumpkin, but i do have a thing for greens, finding them strangely sensual. i dunno. do "loves" ever make sense intellectually? at least immediately? not for me... those dang cool menthol death sticks: they're like that bad, bad good-looking man...
- so anyways, i sits here in the wee hours of morn & should be in the sack, but now that i'm finally starting to feel better, am hoping maybe to roll up on another creative wave, even if it's a just a mini-one, just ride it a little ways before being dumped back on the shores of mundanity (not sickness again, tho, please, no)...
- oh gosh, how boring has this post become? bleh. love to all. something deeper, more intellectual, more creative, more entertaining next time, maybe... for now, another dumb blablabla now draws to its close.

aaaaaahhh... calm....

- it always returns, like a breeze, like a miracle... as many of you know, moods like sea change are a trial, but invariably, waters smooth again & feel like glistening moonlight & gentle lap-lap-lapping both cozy & stretching forever, oh, what love & compassion & kindness & patience & happiness we get to feel in those moments, right? i hope that you do...
- the below poem, quite important to me, hangs in my house. a dear friend was visiting recently & on a whim, i just knew he'd "get" it, REALLY get it...
"will you read it to me?" my friend said, so i did, & he exhaled, "wow. i got goosebumps..."
today i lunched w/other friends who dropped in unexpectedly, & what a happy surprise it was to see them, married nearly 30 yrs, immersed & freed for life as artists, about to move north to start their next chapter together, best friends, fiercely loyal, aware how lucky they are to have one another, & never taking their loved ones for granted, even ones like me whom they don't see much... well, to know people like this, ones who effortlessly understand, empathize, "get it," w/whom words can be superfluous bc we seem to have an emotional language, even when separated for long periods of time... i so love having these beautiful souls in my life.
- they didn't see it, but i suspect these friends, too, might get the below poem, also... what do you think about it? do you relate? does it help? i hope so.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond. (rumi, coleman barks translation)

blablablablablablablablablablablabla, music, men, freed to grow up, who cares, my blog, mwahahahah

- water's running down the stream again: i've been writing songs, averaging 1 decent one/wk lately! recently i reworked one called "tarzan" i'd written for my old guitar player phil but now realize better explains where i'm at these days, tho w/"artistic license," of course... no song's a straight-arrow truth; that's part of the fun of writing them: freedom to play w/reality. anyways, i hope we do it in dusk devils: we'll see!
- how are you? in addition to frequent travel & practice & gigs, lately i've been experiencing the most happy semi-retired bum days, enjoying the breezes up here on the mountain, listening to the wind chimes, gazing at the birds & trees, enjoying visits from vagabond kitty & black-dog buford (traveling neighborhood animals content to plop down @ my pad for a bit, then move on), writing songs, writing journal, playing piano, taking the BRAT out for a little 4-wheeling (haha!), reading, going to meetings, hiking, supping w/friends, doing yoga, enjoying summer foods & coffee, cleaning house (i love keeping my house clean w/the exception of doing dishes, which i hate w/passion!)... don't see how life could be any better, really, as it stands. :)
- ... just spoke to ronnie mack & DDs will be doing the buddy holly/patsy cline barndance in september. yay!! thursday's a radio show w/karling in bakersfield & friday's a gig w/DDs and KA at b ryder's (flyer someplace; i'll try to post it here)... like i said, life is just singing these days. don't wanna think too much about possibly why that would be; will just feel fortunate & hope that your life, too, sings! :)
- i tend to be an emotional chickensh*t where the tough stuff's concerned, but at mama's behest, i gave news of a huge life-change to my ex-husband & -beau the other day. it was tough for me cause i'm not used to being straight w/people when i know it'll potentially make them uncomfortable/sad; i want to smooth everything over, make everyone ok, not look like the bad guy (that last one's probably the real truth). this means i'll lie & fudge in the moment, which only temporarily soothes situations & also ultimately makes me feel like a weasel... however, now w/all in open, i feel freer! it's premature to say, but i might be on the road to growing up (it's about time!!), forging a big, friendly, powerful pact w/a human who seems to want the same. whatever happens, i know the situation i'm in right now is healing, already having brought me much self-revelation &, maybe for us both ultimately, personality integration, at least as much as possible... (middle-class, american, semi-retired: i'm reminded of george carlin's quote. "some people see things that are and ask, why? some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.") anyways, i'm not gonna feel guilty that i have the luxury of time to write about all this -- will just feel grateful. i mean, just to feel understood in "that way" right now is quite a blessing... wow! someone understands me, all of me, & wants to learn more, & doesn't want to change me, nor me, him? unprecedented.
- after speaking to one of the exes, & last nite as i wallowed for a bit in longing & loneliness (briefly, tho, cause my friend called & snapped me out of it), i started thinking about the power & delusion of fantasy life. in real life, it will happen when one person idealizes the other in her/his absence; the reality can never compare. in my case, until i found booze (allowing me to then find bad men), i lived, luxuriated, sequestered myself in fantasy, being obsessed w/famous people... & i still will do it when i am lonely, musing about "if only" or just looking at pictures of, for instance, johnny weismuller or some other incredibly attractive famous male... it was & is like that "mitote" spoken of in that book "the four agreements," an evil fog, really, so much safer than dealing w/real people, especially real boys/men, but keeping me from growing emotionally, keeping me from really living & loving!
- even w/the vision of a mole, i was quite an artistic young person, so i'd gaze, pine, just zone out looking at famous men's faces, spending countless hours drawing them, listening to their music, imagining being w/them, them holding me, kissing me, saving me like knight in shining armor (if our dad's reading this, he probably just vomited. sorry, dad! even being brought up in the gia intellectual tradition, i drank just enough of society's koolaid to be sickened, apparently!)... since, i've been in real-life relationships that were extensions of that youthful delusion. i have "loved" musicians, actors, handsome men, brilliant men, lonely tho bigger-than-life types. i worshiped them as objects, then vilified them. i picked emotionally/geographically unavailable men, dreaming of that someday when they would do what i want, act the way "i know he can," fulfill my script, & then we'd live happily ever after. wow! pretty immature, huh? of course, then the relationships would suck, my "love" for them being conditional. the one i had that went the best, my marriage, went well enough, but there were secrets & sadnesses, tho we today are dear, loving friends...
- what i'm entering into now is no game, no contest, no cover-up, but a triple-L event. i'm not having to manipulate to try to ferret out attentions, nor flirt w/others or reciprocate their interests to fill up the hole in my soul, nor wonder: is he thinking of me? does he love me? does he have my best interest in mind? and i care about his well-being. that one is huge. i've usually felt, shameful to admit, every man for himself. selfish fear makes people do weird things, doesn't it? my dear ex, when we made amends, asked me to be kinder to men. well, b is easy to be kind to -- but w/this person of whom i write now, our shared feelings are humanizing me, softening & making more generous my attitude toward men in general... i feel safe. i know he won't calculatedly ambush me. and i know, cause it's already happened, if we have a wreck, we'll fix it together. he's not gonna just abandon me, bloodied by the roadside, nor will i, him.... heck! if this continues, i'll be a genuinely good human being, able to treat all persons as persons instead of puppets! :)
- if anyone on earth has reason to be a victim, a bad monster, ruined by what life's handed him, it's this human. instead, he's a success, a wiseguy, a smarta*s, a friend, a kind, funny, sage, talented, brave, fiercely intelligent survivor, & together we've started making lemonade from lemons, or as aunty rita has said is impossible, chicken salad from chicken sh*t...
- i've blabbed far too much already... in summation, were this to end today, i'd be destroyed likely for quite some time, but in the end i'd have to be thankful cause it's unprecedented, magical, & changing me for the better. it may be what people throughout the ages have called true love.
- do you relate to any of this? i hope that you do. and i hope that you feel it, too. wish me luck. may you have it, as well.

"in a relationship"... mush alert ahead (you've been warned) (sing five royales' "i'm with you"):

it now is facebook-official. i would analyze that more, but just don't want to. brain was on fire last night, in despair yesterday, 'cause despite this beautiful, unprecedented, scary (what if something happens to him?) time in my life, i still have a mood disorder, but this time the storm was weathered pretty quickly, & he gave me important reassurance, ballasting my capsizing ship like he, my hero, does... oh, to be comforted by & connected w/an understanding human being: what a gift. i no longer need to manipulate, cajole, & turn wild hopeless helpless demon in futile attempts to be recognized as existing... it's time to jettison those old behaviors, no longer necessary. in fact, they hurt him, i'm realizing, because he loves me.
wow. what an amazing statement. someone truly loves me... & shows it! i must be better, more thoughtful, less selfish... i must not hurt him w/old behaviors, pay better attn to my actions. we are fervently, productively in love, growing & growing up & getting better together every single time we interact. i am just flummoxed. as he wrote me, "isn't it just the best feeling in the world?!?!" yes, it is. this is love, baby, not confusion. i must rise to a new standard, be worthy of this blessing, astounding & unexpected. i must protect it, & him; he protects me all the time, i'm realizing, just by being wise & kind & understanding (& willing to "beat the sh*t" out of anyone who hurts my feelings in the least...). people who love one another take care of each other, have each others' best interests in mind, want happiness & health & all things good for their beloved, don't try to control, don't behave in a scary manner... (sing love boat theme) ... again, wow.
has this been enough mush? what can i say? this is my blablablog, & nothing could be more important to blablabla about than this!
these poems are for him, but also for you:

Oh! Love Bird (Love Song) (Kim Robin Edwards)
Oh! Love bird, don't fly away.
Spread your wings, and come my way.
Fly high, don't ever cry.
You will see. You'll soon be mine.
Oh! Love bird, don't leave my side.
Stay with me through out the night.
Oh! Love bird, next to me.
Love bird that's where you'll be.
Whistling a melody.
With me along, a symphony.
Oh! Love bird, don't be shy.
With me along, you'll never cry.
Soaring through out the sky.
Oh! Love bird, I'm by your side.
Oh! Love bird, don't sail away.
There will be another day.
For you and me to live our lives.
We'll sail across, the deep blue skies.
Oh! Love bird, don't fly away.
Oh! Love bird, why don't you stay?

(Rumi)
A moment of happiness,
you and I sitting on the verandah,
apparently two, but one in soul, you and I.
We feel the flowing water of life here,
you and I, with the garden's beauty
and the birds singing.
The stars will be watching us,
and we will show them
what it is to be a thin crescent moon.
You and I unselfed, will be together,
indifferent to idle speculation, you and I.
The parrots of heaven will be cracking sugar
as we laugh together, you and I.
In one form upon this earth,
and in another form in a timeless sweet land.

dusk devils off the cuff & unplugged

"baby, you're a song writin' machine!"

for a few yrs, i didn't write many songs -- just sad stuff... the only good one that came out was "just wanna boogie," tho i like that one quite a bit, i must say! shortly after writing it, i played & sang it for my friend & he retorted, "tell your band i said if they don't do that song, they're f**kin' stupid!" :) the dry spell's ended for a bit, & lately songs've just been pouring out! i don't know from whence they come, but i am so happy. :)
here's two from the last two days...
MEDDLERS: she's the problem, not you, baby / he's the problem, not me, baby / they need to get out of the way / they need to get gone & stay / this ain't jealousy, you & i just need to be free of these meddlers, meddlers, meddlers... / he needs to respect his place / she needs to get out of my face / i like em all just fine / til they get out of line / it's a matter of respect / they won't have no teeth left, these meddlers, meddlers, meddlers... / where do they get off, anyways, thinkin they can step in & make a play? / what makes all of these fools think they can get between us, anyway? / they don't know you or me, & we like it that way, honey / no amount of their stupid games can mess with us, no charms or money, meddlers, meddlers, meddlers... / i trust you, you trust me / its a new thing for us, you see / we like em all a lot as long-as / they give us room, & don't bug-us / just show some respect & fun / don't come up & act all dumb, don't be a meddler, meddler, meddler...
DO YOU FEEL IT, TOO? is that him? is that the one i've been waitin' for? / i see him looking at me w/a gaze that i adore / we ain't met in the real flesh til this night so neat / it's the start of a real friendship, something oh so sweet / i stepped out of the darkened club, & he seemed to be / standin right there with a big ol' smile, looks like he's waitin for me! / we talk oh so easy just like we have known each other forever / how can someone oh so cool be also so cute & clever? / then he said, do you, do you, do you feel it, too? my heart said yes, it's true / do you, do you, do you feel it, too? i fell so hard for you / thru the night, while we stood & talked, he was trying hard to see / was i there all by myself, or which man was there with me? / when i look back on this fateful night, i see signs from the beginning / we fast friends eventually would send each others' souls & hearts a-spinning, then he said, do you, do you, do you feel, it, too? my heart said, yes, it's true! do you, do you, do you feel it, too? i fell so hard for you!

row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...

-> thank you, everybody, for being my friend. tomorrow, july 4th, i will celebrate 17 years of sobriety. i am overwhelmed this yr w/the feeling that i have lived a whole 2nd life as a sober person, & i know at this moment i'll strive to continue to do so, for this life, bumps, bruises, & all, is a life, rather than the too-often futile-seeming existence i have led... my life's changed significantly in the past few months, & as i've written here, i feel so grateful & amazed, but at this moment, after meditating over the moonrise, also a tad melancholy: i've shared sober birthdays w/people whom i may not see again. i just will have to hold them in my heart & believe that everyone is better this way, that the stream of destiny is carrying me so steadily & gently lately bc i am no longer fighting against its current... events are unfolding so easily now, i can't help feeling that i am beginning to "fulfill my destiny," even tho voicing that idea brings me some intellectual discord... i shall CHOOSE to believe! magic, spirit, beauty, transcendence are so much more captivating than cold hard seeming-fact (what truly is "objective," anyways?), so following my apparently supernatural leanings, perhaps there is purpose, direction, meaning i am to fulfill, even as tiny as i am in this universe. yes, in this moment i shall have faith in this fate, accept it, glory in & be grateful for it. and if it turns out to be coincidence, randomness, chaos, i'll find out eventually bc my life will take a different course (even that phrase, however, suggests intention)... for now, i will chance the notion that "right now" evidences the unfolding of some purpose & scheme i cannot understand. and i am very, very happy for it. and i have the feeling lately that i "must've done something right" to be getting this apparent reward...
-> i just sat outside at my mountain house & watched the beautiful maizey-full moon rise as the hushed sky darkened to indigo & quail chirped & clucked to one another & little bats & birds flew overhead & i remembered, suddenly remembered what a sad mess my life was 17 yrs ago on this very night & how it is now... truly i don't recall ever feeling this peaceful, happy, & grateful as i have approached a sobriety birthday. i have no anxiety, no worry, no what-ifs in my mind... only calmness & a sweet sense of serenity.
-> yes, somehow, from the absolute worst has come an incredible (for me) life. :) thank you again, so, so much; even if you don't know it, you help me & we are & always will remain connected.
"that man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest." (thoreau)
"thank you for all You have given me, for all You have taken away from me, for all You have left me." (anonymous)
love to you & yours, j

happy independence day!!! and it's a big music weekend for dusk devils, karling & the atomics, more!

today is july 4, an especially important day for me (see below) as well, of course, on a much, much larger scale, the united states of america... may we all be freed today of whatever oppresses us, be it physical, spiritual, or elsewise. a special prayer, thought, intention, too, for dear loved ones who are in pain. i fervently, sincerely wish them return to good health & strength as quickly as possible... as i know many more of you are experiencing, too, tho life may be wonderful, it hurts to see loved ones suffer... i pray that i'll be ready to help however possible, whenever asked.
meanwhile, in the fun & frivolous dept (tho sunday's a benefit for a kind friend), this weekend:

mwahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!!

loose lips sink ships; mememememememememe, blablablablablablabla

if you don't wanna read about me, go on to another site. but here are some thoughts as i attempt to digest burger & fries:
1. growth & learning always are painful -- sometimes fleeting ("2+2=4," "i should never again touch that hot stove"), sometimes seemingly interminable (me learning to grow up & have an appropriate & kind relationship w/a man)... educators learn about cognitive dissonance. i remember how much my legs ached at night when as a kid i had growing pains. i moaned & suffered stoically as my bones stretched, anticipating reward: i was gonna be a basketball player. then in 7th grade, i stopped growing, my career as a professional athlete, literally, stunted.
2. today's been hot hot hot for the mountain (over 90)... i sat inside all day & wrote songs, & wrote, & did networking, & slept... this eve, all cooled & i set out to lake of the woods to the market there, serving backpacker/hiker/star watchers en route to mt pinos, which means the place has great grub! i piled up on pudding cups, tortillas, drinks, oatmeal cookies (WITHOUT raisins!! raisins in cookies are gross!!) while waiting for my burger & fries, then sat outside in the crisp night with mountains looming all around & full moon rising in indigo sky... my neighbor's told me bats come out in the eve, but this was the first time i'd seen any; i grabbed my ipod & tried to snap some pictures... a thin, grizzled man in ball cap staggered (truly!) out of the moose lodge next to the market. "trying to take pitchers of the bats?" he called. "watch this" -- he scooped up small rocks & began hurling them in the night sky; each time, a bat would swoop. "they think they're bugs!" said the man. i thanked him for helping my photographic attempts; however, it'd been too dark to get a shot, so now i write about it here, hoping i won't forget...
3. on another cool eve, my friend & i stood outside an immaculate & imaginatively-decorated watering hole & spied movement in an office window across the street. we loped over arm in arm & what i had thought to be a dog & cat playing together inside the office instead was... a dog & BUNNY playing together! bunny, tan & white, hopped & leaped & jumped on patient little weener pup; the animals circled & danced & even tumbled at one pt. the watering hole's pretty, sad-eyed bartender, between downing shots w/bar regulars, explained that bunny always is there, that she goes & visits it sometimes after closing up... what a sweet image, this kind-hearted, scratchy-piped gal walking over to say hi to her bunny friend thru the late-night glass... we watched the animals scamper & play until the dog abruptly & obediently turned tail & waddled to his human mother, who, done with the night's business, was gathering her purse to head home... bunny & puppy, frolicking for our enjoyment: if you've ever seen anything this adorable, count yourself lucky. i sure do. :)
4. mama cooked for my 45th birthday. i didn't end up doing the 45-mile walk after all, being too immersed in my new life, music, & all the travel that goes w/both. dad joked that maybe i should have just planned to walk 45 yards. instead, my family met my love, all going better than i could've imagined. i could tell my father was quite impressed by him & that mama & angie liked him quite a lot; i was so pleased when i spied him & my future brother-in-law, a fellow rubber-face who's too led at times a rough life, making faces at each other quietly from across the table... "ok," he grinned, announcing the match to be over, "you pass," & they shook hands. :)
5. this is gross to write, but years ago one male sent me text photos of his private parts. (some women have indicated this is common... how distressing!) my love sends me pictures of his long & strong & talented hands. he is a tough & worldly soul, yet has demonstrated tremendous class & romantic spirit when it comes to matters of the heart...
6. when i had to get sober, forced by a self-imposed crisis" i could "neither evade or postpone," i sat in a mental hospital's waiting room for about 36 hours, waiting & waiting to see the doctor, the only one who could spring me. i knew what i'd tell him: i've realized i'm an alcoholic; when i get home, i'm going straight to a meeting. the doctor kept walking by, ignoring me. all eve. all the next morning. all the next afternoon. he was to leave at 6 pm. "can you help me?" i asked my friend, who 12-stepped me later that eve, who was working at the hospital, who was on to the whole gig. "i'll have to stay here all weekend, if he won't see me today!" at 5 til 6, doc called me in. "i just have one question for you," he somberly intoned. "what?" i replied anxiously. "why do you keep f**king your life up?" ... i was reminded of this recently. a friend's been sick; the docs ran all kinds of tests. they called a week later & told him he was ok. he & all who love him jumped for joy! ...then they called back. he needed to come back in. they made his appointment... for five days later. make him contemplate the worst. make him sweat. in my case, the waiting, waiting, waiting caused me to really think & sink in: i'd been doing it to myself, hurting not just me, but my loved ones. they'd become ill with worry. i'd been selfish. and, in my case, i learned, sick, too, slave to a physical allergy & obsession. i can't safely touch it again... ever. and i can't control it on my own power; i've got to surrender to something bigger & better than me (the rest of this i'll save for a speaker meeting)... the enormity of it loomed larger & larger as hours passed. i was done; i had to be! i wanted to live. never again must i break my mother's heart, nor scare those who love me. people love me!! in my case, if they'd released me immediately, i don't think i would've ever reached this moment of clarity...
7. i'm building boundaries. it's tough cause, like many, i'm a people-pleaser w/a bit of a "coda" problem, & love to write, & reveal, & communicate but obfuscate... then part of "what's wrong w/me" means when stressed i melt down & blab & sob & ooze all over others in an emotional omelet. balance long's been a challenge: how to be moral & responsible, a good role model in an a-bit eccentric package, yet possess these wild black moods that feel like death when they strike? expressing them's part of exorcising them; how to do so appropriately? yes, it's vital to reconcile all, i think... i've told myself "no one reads my blog" & "i'm a nobody" (i'm fine w/both these notions) cause i have no ambitions of fame, only to play music & create & experience life. but i'm told people ARE watching (the rose maddox/buck owens duet "loose talk" might become the abiding theme song), that i have to be more careful of what i write & how i comport myself... so i'm called lately to become more circumspect, less flirty. (dang it! i don't flirt sexually... i like people! i've been told i'm charming & playful, for pete's sake! plus i'm kind of a prude, really, not to mention rather afraid of men; i flirt w/guys AND gals w/usually the purpose of making everyone laugh, think, feel happy & comforted [i save usually in writing, while my friend swoops in like superman; we both maybe could stand to let people have the dignity of their own experiences, meaning at times, let them fall, & then if it's our place, pick them up & dust them off]... ... the problem can be, i gotta admit, "usually." sometimes i have fallen short & have overstepped boundaries w/men when i'm lonely, wound-up, craving attention... the cavern of loneliness can swell so huge, it agonizes, feels so lethal, bringing such desperation... ah, stupid fallible human fears & foibles...) to be more private, grown-up, yet still true to self: to combine no-nonsense toughness (my friends) w/genteel politesse (my family): well, i'd have it made. "just be yourself," he said. but who is that? "oneself," i guess, is ideally an ever-evolving creature, & the evolving soul must be brave, for, to return to the original thought, growth, change is painful, even messy. i'm rising to this new challenge. i can, i will, i am, i must. i want to be brave & good & better, more loyal & worthy, more useful all the time. don't you? :) should you still be reading, & should you desire it, know that you, too, can rise to any challenge.
have a lovely day or night; have a lovely life, for that matter... and may we all stay green so that we may grow...
yes, i was gonna analyze & parse that, too, but heck, you've got a brain: please interpret as you will... :)

DUSK DEVILS

upcoming shows...
- thurs oct 16, santa clarita, 730-830 pm, with special guest karling abbeygate
- sat oct 18, frazier park, sue's tavern, 9-1am\
flyers and more info TBA
be well, friends. be good. be happy. if you can't be happy, don't be crappy.
my father-in-law, r.i.p., used to say "be cheery, deary." he was a very brainy & elderly & eccentric & beloved man. it was a wise sentiment.
to surrender means to drop weapons & go to the winning side.
argh.

five fifty-three a.m.

blablablablablablablablablablablablabla blablablablablablablablablablablablabla hahahahahahahaah hahahahahahahahaha heeheeheeheeheeheehee in the old days, not much was worse than the clink of milk jugs or the rooster's crow in the early a.m. or later in the morning, church bells ringing ((shudder)) after being awake for day or days... it's near-6 am now & i've not been asleep for days & yet i'm so happy. how wonderful life is, to be told not only that i'm not crazy (or toxic or weird or damaged or cruel or any number of condemnations i used to hear), but creative & fun, & that i am loved for having this spirit. we've both known people who shut us down, ignored us, wanted to control us, wanted to "fix" us when there's nothing in either of us that needs fixing...

and just like that, we are again "rocketed into the 4th dimension"...

- the best thing about moods is if they blow out, like the swinging saloon doors in a movie western, they'll sure-as-shootin flap back & settle to still. like a miracle, what always has happened for me & now for us has again happened, & the impending blackness of earlier has lifted. all is gentle & well. - the next chapter of my/our lives now begins... i'm convinced it'll be for the good & happiness of everyone... can't believe we'll live at the mountains & at the beach while playing music. wow: could be a dream come true! i'm so looking forward to being able to run, ride bicycle, be near my gyms, go to meetings more regularly again... even going back to work part time! idle hands & minds aren't good for souls prone to disquiet. my two-&-a-half year hiatus from life is now over; i am hopeful & in happy anticipation. :) may you be well, friends. (how he's perceived things... he, brave man, gives me too much credit, but i welcome being considered so highly, long as i can keep it from going to my head...)

funk & ramble

- i was raised by nice people, school teachers, children of alcoholics, i realized in recent years, which means denial (and politeness, & duty, & not rocking the boat) is their modus operandi... that, i hope, helped them when i was growing up, totally out of control, in the thrall of chemical dependency/alcoholism i didn't understand, tho i now do. i was screwed, long as i imbibed, which i had to, being the slave of physical craving & mental obsession & in those, w/no chance of being a responsible or self-respecting human. then there's this: my life's been relatively trauma-free, w/just the usual things happening that do in life when you have creepy adults pop in here & there (certainly not anyone i consider family), or deal w/males & other "lower companions" while drunk/loaded/in blackout (or heck, sober), as well as the usual sickness & death & tragedy & mundanity & mistake & humiliation & shame that can be part of life... then there's the garden-variety mental illness i have that i know is only the luxury of people like me who have basic needs met... were i to've grown up in equatorial africa, or poor in the middle east, or in a lower caste in india, or any number of other hypotheticals for me but stark realities for most of earth's peoples, i'd certainly not have the mental illness diagnoses i have: i'd be too busy trying to survive to be periodically bat-sh*t "crazy"... don't get me wrong: we were poor, but we had the library, & each other, neurotic & needy & confused & emotionally closed-up as we could be at times... my family is decent decent decent & along with the program, i am alive today because of them. i now want life, not existence or, worse, death (tho that bad patch can strike & numb the brain at times, like ball lightning), & in the past 17 plus years, i've had a buttload, an amazing adventure, tho quite a bumpy one. ultimately, despite sad times, bad times, low times, & more, i am so so grateful, for i get to continue to live & wonder: what will be next? i am most often happy now. i write because at this moment, i'm not, but i know it will return, as certainly, warmly, & comfortingly as will the sunrise... - no quotes or seeming wisdoms today. i'm holding it together but feel that state of ennui & futility approaching that hits when i'm removed from the things my soul needs. lucky i can look out the window & see nature & hear the birds & windchimes that remind me of what is, in my mind, reality. all will get better. all is for the best. i say that not in the candidian sense, not ironically, for i despise irony, & cruelty, & cynicism, the easy refuge of cowards, i think, & the fear that can overtake me out of nowhere, again, the luxury of a "first world" person of some brains & less common sense... i am rambling... did i tell you i have a stat counter on here? and i know who most of you are who read this blog, as well as what pages you read & download & how often you are here? so please don't read my blog all the time, then act as if we've never met, or you don't know me, or any other such nonsense. that just makes me think you are creepy & somewhat of a stalker of me & my loved ones. leave me a comment. you can do so "anonymously." let's be friends, or, if you don't want to, or can't at the least be respectful w/o being creepy, please go away. but if you won't do that, i don't really care, long as you keep your distance. i, being a thinker, worry-wort, & person of conviction, know who i am. do you? are your actions admirable? in line with your morals? are you happy? are you living the life that you should? i usually am, but when i'm not, i have lots of tools to lift the blues, one being writing. i still don't feel much better, but i know that i will. wish you the same, even if you do not return the sentiment, for we are all sister & brother humans in same life-ship which we enter & leave in same manner. yep, we are brethren, whether you like me or not. that is all.