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(james asked why i pulled this entry.; i thought it went on too, too long... but since he asked, here it is again!) - my friend jani & i caught up tonight finally; she's a really dear person. we can talk honestly, candidly about Life w/o being oblique; she understands & loves me, no matter what, as i do her. today in the local paper was my friend the professor, her kindly, shy face beaming out from an historical piece she'd written, the nice egghead: i hope to see her sometime this year... later i went running & a truck stopped ahead & a smiling woman bounded out w/arms outstretched: "JENNNY!!!" it was another friend whom i was just getting to know when i moved. we made a pact i'll call when around so we can go for a jog or hike... i love these ppl, courageous, friendly, smart, forgiving, w/gentle sense of humor, sometimes chiding, but never mean. how fortunate i am to have friends! on my own, i would be done for. - i'm the best jenny i've ever been. i blunder cause i'm human, but tho this time of life is difficult, i have no secrets to be ashamed of, no skeletons since i've gotten married, & that for me is a really big deal!... these days, i'd stack my moral fiber up to most anyone's. and such things as "moral fiber" are important to me, tho i've fallen short of my own ideals many, many times. i'm my harshest critic & don't enjoy living in hell on this earth. i've flubbed & fumbled plenty, but as i enter old age, it's slowing & i'm so grateful! anxiety, frustration & disappointment due to inability to control or foresee what will happen w/people, places, & things still plagues me, & i keep messing up due to selfish fear, but i can look in the mirror & know this human is getting better w/time... yes, in spite of it all, i have hope. i know my life ultimately is -- and at times, over the years has been -- on the road to happy destiny. my life is fortunate & purposeful, tho i will never have fame or status that ensures my name will live on past this life... that's ok. - this life is not a veil of tears; you & i weren't put here to suffer, tho, as you know, the buddhists say suffering is inevitable. they don't leave us hanging there, thank goodness: our human task is to overcome suffering thru right this & right that, therein achieving nirvana. so if we just behave ourselves, life will straighten out, right? :D - here's some positive stuff about me. i need to bolster myself! 1) i like most all people, tho like most, i've had mucho life trauma & drama. "fall down seven times, stand up eight." i believe in bravery, & tho sometimes i feel like a chicken, i know in my heart of hearts that ultimately i will do right. 2) i've been w/o alcohol or illicit drugs since july 4, 1995. 3) my eyes are hazel, but they sometimes are yellow or green. people have told me they are pretty. 4) i love playing the drums & experimenting w/ instruments. 5) my favorite music is what the alvin bros deemed "american music." 6) i love to exercise & run, tho i am not fast & never will be. 7) favorite books i try to carry w/me wherever i live are "meditations" (marcus aurelius), "earth poems from around the world," "folk remedies that work" & "archy & mehitabel" & "man in black." well, & the big book. 8) i've made mistakes being manipulative, needy, dishonest -- but since marrying, i've been a good wife & that has made me proud, to know i can be loyal. the next task is to get control over my words. 9) i have many acquaintances i like a lot as well as some dear friends. i have many loved ones. 10) i'm left-handed & only ambidextrous on the piano. i need to heal my injured right hand, but know that lots of practice will achieve that. 11) i've always known my own hobbies, interests, passions & been clear in what i like. that certitude pleases me; i'm no zelig! 12) i love to wander, travel, adventure around, especially to funky places where i don't spend much money. i've gotten to do a lot of it in my life so far. 13) tho i love people, i also love to be alone; in solitude, i regenerate. 14) we have the most lovely little ramshackle mountain house where we will live happily ever after in old age. 15) my favorite piano players are professor longhair, gene taylor, jimmy yancey, johnny johnson, piano red, & champion jack dupree. 16) i've written over 200 songs. 17) i'd like to be a voice actor; it's fun to imitate different voices to make people laugh or surprise or move them. 18) i keep my promises, tho i'm still a procrastinator. 19) i really love eccentric, smart, resourceful, creative ppl & am happy that not all brainy ppl are cold, selfish, sick, &/or downright damaged... tho many are, for some dismaying reason. 20) i'm especially glad for loved ones, for i'd be dead, were it not for my parents, donna, kristi, & my higher power! (gee, that last pt can ring hollow... but i must believe!! i must!!) 21) i'd be dead if i'd not stopped drinking; doc said i'd have wet brain by age 25. kept going til near-28, but i think my brain's just soggy. 21) used to have a photographic memory for numbers; not anymore! still, it's fun to reminisce about when i was really, really smart... 22) i can wear clothes i wore 20 yrs ago... but i won't cause i'm middle-aged & that'd be gross! 23) my favorite color is green. 24) my favorite magazines are runners' world & the new yorker. 25) my favorite dessert is frozen yogurt w/nuts & fruity pebbles. yum. 26) my favorite american cities are austin, memphis, new orleans & los angeles. 27) my favorite european cities are rome & paris. 28) racially, angie & i are juaneno/ajachemen "indian," mexican/south american, northern italian, & english & i think that's mostly quite cool. 29) i love nature & it's through nature, & that "something" that exists in meetings, that i feel the presence of god. 30) i had a journalism background, then chose the other then-low paying job: teaching. i was a teacher for 17 yrs. loved the kids, the union, our honorable family tradition of being dedicated educators (i'm the biggest slouch in the bunch). 31) i love dogs & animals in general, more & more the older i get. 32) in my 1st marriage, i had two lovable dogs whom i miss to this day so, so much. the house was beautiful & i was rich, but it was not right to stay married. 33) now i live in an apartment in north OC w/my 2nd husband & stepson. we cannot have pets, tho we have a visiting mouse that thinks it owns the kitchen. in the complex, 2/3 of our female neighbors also are named jenny & one of the dogs is named otis, which was james's dog of 17 years' name. these coincidences are cool! 34) in OC, i have become fond of the library; some of the wide-open streets, great gym classes, the wetlands, proximity to long beach, & kindly, brave, loving women in meetings. 35) i have 3.12 college degrees: BA, english; T.Ed; MA, Humanities, & (partial) Library Media Specialist credential. they ended our library jobs, so i dropped out of the program. today, i learn via reading & the website coursera.org 36) we live a long, long time in my family, which is good reason to do all i can these days to make sure my melon's chunked on straight! 37) i am quite strong, for a woman my age. 38) i still miss grandma mary, mr jackson, stacy, uncle henry & uncle danny, as well as many ppl still living, but i'm grateful to have known them at all. 39) one of my main heroes is saint damien of molokai. 40) i love caves, desert, prairie, wide open spaces, mountains. 41) i love listening to npr while i drive. 42) my parents have amazing minds & hearts & if i can ever be 1/5 the person they are, i will be shocked & amazed. 43) in my 1st band, i was the bass player. it got me playing music in public, so that was good. 44) people have assumed i was "goth" &/or into S&M, but i'm quite old-fashioned personally, really, & so's my husband, which is pt of why i love him so. 45) i was a terrible slob when a child/adolescent, but i'm very neat & tidy nowadays. 46) am 46 years old & looking fwd to 50. :)

"go, & never darken my towels again." - groucho

happy sunday! i read a great YAFIC book the other day; found it at the house while cleaning. my sister'd recommended it, i believe. can't stop thinking about the book! reminded me of when i was a teacher-librarian & we'd have our library meetings & these very well-read sort of intellectual women would comment that books written for young people are often superior to adult fiction: more vivid, direct storytelling, characterizations, adventure, moral lessons. the one i read's called "the house of the scorpion" by nancy farmer. i'm thinking when i volunteer at the library in OC each wk & i'm doing my sections, YAFIC & YAVL, i should be picking books out to read instead of just blasting thru the dewey decimals shelving & organizing at top-fuel nitro speed!... that ref reminds me of last night when james & i were driving to kern county & talking about evel knievel as well as a show we both used to love, "super dave." we laughed out loud recalling the mock-serious set-ups & stupid stunts on that show! that was in my heavy chemical-usage days, a generally despairing, negative time in my life, & that show was quite a happy highlight, i realized!... super dave actually was bob einstein, brother of albert einstein -- that is, albert brooks... when we return to the mountain house, i hope we'll finish watching "defending your life," an early-90s brooks comedy containing for me that appealing combo of world-weariness & hope/whimsy... that, of course, leads to my most-beloved exchange from "horse feathers" (1932): thelma todd: oh, professor, you're full of whimsy! groucho: can you tell from over there? i'm always that way after i eat radishes... if you didn't know this, my husband james, whiteboy james on stage, is a "crazy genius," my sister has declared, possessing naturally a brain on fire w/such verbal facility & word associations/gymnastics, i suddenly yesterday imagined him going toe-to-toe w/the great mister julius marx: what oral fireworks would ensue! what hilarity! what insanity! what fun! then i realized that groucho, known for his keen intellect, is another example of a learned & brilliant person w/no formal higher education (i'm constantly realizing things lately, i realize)... james talks often & fondly of his childhood friend mookie, whom he says was the king of "playing the dozens" (look that up, if you're interested), but mookie was killed long ago, in the riots, poor soul, so the closest i've seen to groucho-james, i think, was at thanksgiving when james & brother-in-law doug went on a wildly impromptu comedic tear: what merriment! what humor! what laughs we all had, just watching & listening to those two! dad, who's no mental slouch at all, commented, "watching those two, i felt like i should be wearing a dunce cap!" dad always has been known for his kindly humility; still, i know what he means... i was a gifted child/teen at one point, many millions of brain cells ago, & while i'm no dummy now, i do feel at times in awe of james's gift of gab & with words. i mean, wow! ok, heading out for a run now. to sum up, some words from groucho marx: - "i refuse to join any club that would have me for a member." - "outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. inside a dog, it's too dark to read." - "i find television very educating. every time somebody turns on the set, i go in the other room & read a book."

" suddenly you feel the great relief, accompanied by your compassionate witness..."

This blog entry is all messed up. I don't believe the universe is monkey wrenching with my blog; the problem is that I am trying to blog onto my little phone using a dictation app, and also that my little phone is approaching catastrophic failure. It will work fine, and then the next moment the screen will not respond, or it starts typing out random numbers when my ear is not even touching it. If I believed consistently in the supernatural, I suppose I could attribute it to that, but I think it's simply a case of cheap manufacturing and planned obsolescence in action. I wanted to post about a meditation CD I had forgotten about; I was in this get well soon kinda Happy Trails place about 3 years ago and every morning we'd go to yoga and meditation with this nice loving calm peaceful Irish lady who, yes, was an employee of the facility, but she really touched my heart because she seemed to truly care about all of us traumatized anxious balls of fear, sadness, stress, and general system malfunction. (Most of us had a lot of trouble staying put and remembering to breathe.) Anyways, as I was cleaning this evening, I found one of her CDs and put it in. What nice meditations. If you want to look her up, go to www.pashahogan.com. She often talked about treating oneself and others with "warmth and kindness," which is such a gentle and pretty sentiment, I leave you with it. Well, my finger and patience are tired from this cumbersome method of blogging, so goodbye for now and many blessings and learnings to you. "There are no mistakes -- only lessons." -Jani, my friend the sage

i am so disappointed.... whinewhinewhine blablablablablablablablabla

how disappointed?
i am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo disappointed. and dumbfounded. and confused. and offended. and nervous, whereas before i felt happy, even hopeful and content.
i also feel somewhat heartbroken. and angry, tho that's hard to admit.
this, too, shall pass.
the only constant is change.
tonight over dinner, aunty rita, on a different topic, summed it up (the topic had been someone who has been judgmental): "he oughta look in a mirror."
"let he who is without sin cast the first stone." that's sure true. and you're certainly casting a stone my way if you dug around for one to begin with. as my husband would say, "KNOW THAT."
so on to nice things: the house in the mountains is getting all cleaned up to make room for future permanent residence for two; i did hours of much-needed yardwork today (i love doing yardwork! the sun beamed down so beautifully! the air was so crisp, so fresh! somehow, the rosemary lives on!); skinny the cat showed up & was her old, friendly self, bumping & bustling about, more canine than feline, i think; i dropped belated, appreciated yuletide gifts to a happy friend bursting w/good news; i was greeted here at the family home & had that warm, christmas-carolish feeling i get sometimes when here, like there's never too much love or good cheer or warm-hearted generosity of spirit.. & now i'm swathed in borrowed bundlery (is that a word? who cares) in a loving household of which i'm lucky to be a part."you're a good egg," said brother-in-law doug (who'd certainly know cause he's one big ole good egg, for sure) over delicious mama-cooked-with-love dinner of enchiladas, chile relleno casserole, beans, rice, salad, "in a family of good eggs..."
yes, everyone in this family is welcomed to take part in the good eggery. better good than rotten. that just seems obvious, doesn't it?

i don't know what to write

i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write
here are some pix from james's old camera instead:

arghh!! yayy!!

yesterday we missed being part of this year's elvis show, but finally got to visit max at the hospital.  thank you, art fein, for inviting us to be part... maybe next year, we hope! how encouraging it was to see max spring from bed, severely gaunt, "a skeleton trying to jump out of a man," as he said, but eyes bright & spirits high. he knows about the gerson cure (www.gerson.org) & has friends already who are having him juice, & if soul can restore health, max will be restored... then we ate at our favorite long beach restaurant & as we strolled back to the car in the night, i snapped this pic for max  from a beautiful window display; he'd said next time we visited to bring him a flower, so why wait? we looked at baubles in the window, i oohed & ached (i'm not very girly, but i DO love glittery things; donna used to crow, "kaw! kaw!"), we came back here & i recorded 2.5 songs i've written, until it was too late in the eve to be able to continue... later in the eve, we watched "the office" & i became obsessed, as i do periodically, w/RL stevenson's "open letter to rev. dr. hyde" (http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/281) & read it out loud at such length, poor james was driven outside for a while, i think, then this morn brought james to long conversation w/his long-time sober lawyer uncle, the one who was friends w/elvis (he actually has several family members who were friends with the king) & has called me "his cousin bettie page" (yes, she's a family cousin) & i made breakfast burritos & there i go, blablablaing again... a quote from stevenson's novella: “quiet minds cannot be perplexed or frightened but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own private pace, like a clock during a thunderstorm. ”  

we'll drink a cup of kindness yet for auld lang syne...

- this new year's eve carried an unprecedented barge of myriad emotion. someone whom many love was taken suddenly, seriously ill yesterday &, hospitalized, had to be replaced last-second. sadness pervaded the evening, & continues! a couple whom we love dearly reunited, but rome wasn't built in a day, & repairs & renovations, undergoing, take time. yes, at times like these, of sadness, confusion, tragedy, it's easy maybe, or old habit, to just check out. but we can't ever give up! never! think of the 1000 poems, metaphors, aphorisms that urge thusly: always keep trying, for who wants the alternative? not me! at least not right now! the grave certainly awaits us all… why court its cold comfort now?
- the elliots showed up last night, full of sober cheer, two happy peas in a pod.
me: how are you guys?
james e: not dead yet!
me: not pushing up daisies!
(we all laugh cause we all have known hell, especially james & james, i think, & none of us live there these days 'cept when those bad chemicals flood our brains or we choose to…)
- yes, the whole month of december, good riddance to you! as for january, this was the time of yr when we first met, at the elvis show in 2010, when james looked in my eyes & said, "do you feel it, too? is it just ME?" & something in my heart when ker-FLUNK! this also is the time of yr when we found each other again. i pronounce, declare, & fervently hope that this is the time of year when the sadness of winter can turn toward new promise. solstice has passed; we're heading now into a new light. what do you say? :D
- last night at eclectic & mysterious house of hayden, where james played for NY eve, i got to sit with marshall, the gentlemanly tough-guy & james's dear & devoted friend, & friendly, bubbly tessie, of whom james always delights, "she kissed eddie!" (his beloved & long-gone brother). i was so touched to receive a book, signed by tom shadyac, from beautiful bobbi, nicholas, donna, & rick. wow! such thoughtful kindness: thank you to you all! ... john b & i  laughed & yelled out swears of joy as james honked out thrilling & amazing, rip-roaring harmonica & singing; the whole while, his gal monique never missed a step in her smiling dance reverie, dressed to the 9s, an amazonian marilyn who is one part snoopy… we heard that a huge show with heavy cover nearby was pretty empty that night, so we were happy that house of hayden was pretty full to packed all night long! dave & jackie had to be pretty happy with the way the show turned out, & at midnight, the establishment graciously passed out champagne flutes to all (tho i didn't get to drink mine, oh well; i got to stay sober one more new year's!) & dropped a net of multicolored balloons & sparkly things at the stroke of 12. yes, dave hayden knows how to make a thing beautiful, for sure, with his keen artsy eye and attention to details…
- today has turned into a promising beginning for a new year: we have been ultra slugs with no worry of rushing off to do anything, jamesjr showed me his new ginormous television, we all had pizza, i've been reading my book, & that's about it except for posting this blog. here are some pix from last night; i'm going back to bed now to finish this one (better off by eric brende) before starting that one (life's operating manual by tom shadyac). :)

james's favorite pic of us from new year's eve (from billy f)

thank you, tessie, for capturing this moment!

a moment later, billy folsom took this one. his photos, on Facebook under the page called "dumb biker visions," are worth looking up!

is this real? does it matter?

- well, crap, the picture i really wish to display here won't upload! -- so here's a link to similar images: undulus asperatus ... they ARE real! amazing! check these out: even more seemingly-fantastic! undulating beautiful seemingly-fantastic but completely real cloud images
- today i finally got over to the MOLAA (museum of latin american art) in long beach, which has free admission on sundays. wow! what a great museum! (here's the website) on the walls surrounding the artwork were many whimsical, thought-provoking quotes about reality vs imagination/fantasy. that combined w/quotes i read today from rabindranath tagore have got my brain plonking a bit... at the dollar store yesterday, i bought a calendar that had a quote from tagore on cover. it seemed somewhat slangy/maybe anachronistic, so, thought i, hmmm: more internet bs mis-attribution, perhaps? then i read up on tagore a bit (thank you, wikipedia!) & learned he became known for bringing the colloquial to bengali poetry, & on www.etymonline.com that "terrific," the word that called me to question the quote's veracity, came into its current meaning around 1888, dead in the middle of tagore's writing career. all very interesting! here is some spiritually pleasing & lovely mental food from RT: quotes
- i'm trying to upload the museum pix to my laptop, & if i succeed, i'll plop some here. meantime, hope you enjoy the cloud images & tagore quotes.
- in more mundane news, today's events included two meetings, two restaurant meals, no exercise... implict in all of this is much love, i hope is apparent. happy almost-new year!

"i am not a saint, unless you think of a saint as a sinner who keeps on trying." -nelson mandela

it is a miracle that i am here tonight, where i sit. here, i was greeted in a kindly & comforting manner; it is bare, quiet & clean & there are strange sounds all around, but that i am here brings me hope because that i am here is an absolute miracle. i hope that as you read this, you bring to mind miracles in your life, in your history, your today, tonight, tomorrow, in your right this very second. for heaven's sake, we've all made it this far in life. we cannot give up now!!!!
here are some qualities i admire in two people i love very much, both wounded by & blessed by a powerful love. they are only human, so they make lots of mistakes, but they love each other a lot, i believe. whom do you love? maybe you will add their qualities to these lists. thank goodness for love.
1. brave
2. tenacious
3. big-hearted
4. intelligent/nimble-minded
5. funny
6. strong
7. handsome
8. talented
9. quick-minded/clever
10. kind
11. well-loved
12. generous
13. creative
14. artistic
these are not in any order.
... in the other:
1. forgiving
2. physically strong
3. tender-hearted
4. kindly
5. intelligent
6. adventurous
7. organized
8. pragmatic
9. generous
10. polite
i think they're both very loyal, too, in word & deed, even if in past they've made blunder after blunder. i know at least one of them is working hard at learning to be near-perfect, though that will never happen. even knowing that perfection's not attainable while in this human skin, i love this quote from kierkegaard: “god creates out of nothing. wonderful you say. yes, to be sure, but he does what is still more wonderful: he makes saints out of sinners.”

a pic i drew of my niece in 1999

i was climbing into bed in my old room at mom & dad's, looked over on a shelf, & saw this:

since i haven't seen it in a decade or more, i thought i'd keep a semblance of it, so snapped a pic of it & place it here to look at when i can... i drew it at the kitchen table w/a pack of crayons that madeline had been coloring with. it was from one of my favorite pix of her, gazing peacefully at grandma's christmas carousel... hope your holidays are progressing well. today brings return of husband to the central valley (he popped down to oc yesterday for 2nd christmas while i lolled around here trying to stave off the holiday eating binge/resultant pass-outs) as well as sister/brother, cousins & cousins & their families, & a favorite uncle & aunt whom i've not seen in years... they are worthwhile, jolly, smart ppl & mama will alchemize christmas prime rib into tacos & maybe, if we're lucky, chile verde to go w/pozole & tamales... ah, the holidays: the most wonderful time of the year! here's hoping if you don't agree, you'll gradually or in a flash have a transforming experience that allows them to be moreso for you. cheers!

MERRY ALMOST CHRISTMAS!!

may your days be merry & bright.
that is all! :D

"i'm free! free at last!!!"

 weird american-culture irony that hyde speaks those words as he is wrenched from jekyll in all his evil splendor by poison/potion, for in print, they bring to my mind the climax of dr king's most famous speech... this story & dickens' "christmas carol" as my two favorite novellas. that's just an interjection; what i want to write about is that before & after tonight's show w/big manny, whose heart, talent, & sense of humor are as gigantic as his frame, i've been thinking about this movie, this version, w/fredric march so handsome & imploringly good as jekyll, so easily, terrifyingly evil as hyde. the man is split by poison/potion, made bad (manifesting the either-or problem of the binary system; what if there had been a trinity here? jekyll, hyde, &… someone in the middle? i guess that could kill the horror somewhat, detracting from the two men's/alters' stark contrast)…  for some ppl, the poison is the cure. i know bc it used to be for me, & still would be, were i to imbibe tonight. many alcoholics drink to self-medicate, like i did, when i couldn't handle my thoughts, my feelings, my brain, my life, my totality. even when physically abstaining, a dry alcoholic may not be able to stand "life on life's terms" & can suffer mightily/cause mighty suffering in those who love him, inevitably (?) returning to the panacea/killer drink, finding instant  tho temporary ease & comfort in the bottle (or, for the addict, in poison ingested via various methods & through vein, nostril, mouth, or places more sordid). i struggle -- & always will, i think, as long as i get to live --  w/why humankind has need for intoxication; i have to tell myself it's the misplaced search for god & the innate human need for transcendence -- especially when the person next to me is holding a drink that, after 18.5 years, still elicits from me a drool. to think otherwise, like the origin of intoxication was just accident; that humans are hapless creatures doomed to touch it & die (spiritually/physically/somehow); that addiction & death via intoxication exist to "thin the herd," as james has said… i can't think that way. maybe it's realistic thinking, but it seems so bleak. what do you think? to live happily, i think, means remaining oblivious, to some degree… jeez, that's kinda depressing, too...
yes, can't safely touch it & i know that, but how nice it must be to have the release that booze brings to alcoholic people like me… instantaneously. how easy. the quick fix. but the cost for me would be too, too high, so i won't do it, tho i look lately at people drinking & have that moment almost of envy. then i have to remember my tools that can help me approach g.o.d. w/o poisoning myself. then maybe i use one or two. maybe. yes,  thank the good universe that i have learned, in spite of myself, methods to try to touch g.o.d. that don't involve me having to pump poison into myself. i'm not here forever, not in this form, anyhow. i could live to be a healthy old lady. you & i, we could have long & beautiful lives. we could become wise. we could share with our fellow sufferers & have great happiness & serenity. we could really live, not just exist. "granted that i must die, the question is this: how shall i live today?"

pictures

wacka wacka wacka wacka

last night we took the young man & his young woman to this japanese place where the pages like to eat… i like the warm, wooded, vernacular decor in there; it reminds me of this really cool place i used to go w/my brother-in-law paul (r.i.p.) in denver. the young woman is quite pleasant & vivacious, the meal-experience was generally agreeable, & afterward the father (my dear husband) & i talked for a long time in the parking lot about exciting news & plans & our lives & just this & that, b.s.ing & talking... james was lit up by the show thursday with manuel, & i was shocked & pleased to realize the classical i've been practicing for mama's christmas gift is freeing up my dumb right hand to play much better! james said, "manny is such a sweet guy. he's so  f***king soulful!! now i know why you love the guy so much!" and then, "he plays chuck berry just right. when you & him were playing together, it was like listening to chuck & johnnie [johnson] live, & even better!" james doesn't idly throw out compliments, so i was thrilled to hear this. i know the piano was "ringing like a bell" a lot at that show, & it just thrilled me to death to know that sound was coming from MY fingers! james just told me that sal, the extra guitar player, was smiling & smiling as james got up & did a few: "i've always wanted to play with you!" said sal. "i got to play with big manny AND you!" he was over the moon, as was i… james & i agreed, the people that night were unusually nice; it was a crowd of mensches (i wonder if there's a spanish equivalent word? simpaticos? queridos? hmmmm…)… anyways, we play again tomorrow, sunday, at liquid kitty, which is in santa monica right off the 10.  right now i'm coffeeing up so we can go play some music for wounded vets, then we head out to the inland empire for some holiday visiting & antiquing… may your december be merry & bright.

Sunday, Dec 22: Big Manny Band(featuring the Blazers' front man, Manuel Gonzales on guitar and vocals & Johnny Palmer on drums, these roots rockers from East LA play American roots music with a latin flair.)

tonight & sunday night!

sunday's show actually is at the liquid kitty, which i think i remember being in hollywood… happy holidays! :D thank you, bobbi, for telling me that tom shadyac would be at pepperdine university today. to those of you who don't know, he directed "I AM," the movie mentioned below… that's it for now.

living in the profane: my name is j, & i am a consumer.

- we watched the worthwhile documentary "i am" the other night & i heard the crisis summed up quite succinctly (have to paraphrase): we in the united states are not molded to be citizens in a representative democracy, but corporate consumers… we are not raised to be informed & to think critically, but to buy sh*t, to  consume, consume, consume!…the ultimate pt was that we are mentally ill as a society, never finding happiness due to this (venal! oligarchic!)  profit-driven cultural training. the problem beyond that? well, i don't want to give away the brilliant climax; watch the flick!

- a few wks ago, i saw a jonathan haidt segment on tedtalks that raised similar idea, that we are living in the profane realm of insatiable material desire, therefore in spiritual/emotional/even physical dismay & dissatisfaction, that is, until we can reach the sacred realm by not just finding a spiritual path, but finding it via connection w/others, by helping our fellows… i think of the big book, as i always do: "faith without works is dead."
-  so this kinda segues into that i am a consumer, yes, tho i try to fight back & buy lots of stuff used & even just flat don't buy things, a lot of times, & i'm not quite ready for the show "extreme cheapskates," but i have learned a few tricks & tips from it, yessir… & this consumer goes to wal-mart, more than i wish, actually, & often w/that internal ping-pong going bc wal-mart doesn't allow a living wage & certainly not unionizing, & wal-mart murders local merchants & promotes cheaply-made  generica, but then i used to sponsor someone whose husband from mexico was very grateful for his wal-mart job which kept the family off the street & allowed his family (limited) health coverage (i know, i know)… so it's always a struggle up here in this coconut, in short, & i'll bet in yours, too, cause so rare is it that a thing is self-evident & clear-cut... however, this part's simple: i DID take this pic w/my wal-mart (cheapa**, planned-obsolescent) phone tonight when i went walking in the downtown of this oc town hoping to find gifts, & you know what? it didn't cost me a cent to snap this pic, & moreover, i like the satisfaction of having made something cool from something cheap & rather crappy!

- but on another different point, try to find clever, unique gifts in this downtown: impossible! i was shocked to realize its shops are overwhelmingly expensive clothiers & fooderies. are people really into just that stuff? ridiculous!  and once again, i haven't got a clue… james tells me the downtown here used to be funky & cool, but gentrification moved in, & once again, the almighty dollar ruined the character of a place! argh! gnash teeth… spit… retch… 

- anyways, here's the picture… so although there's nothing i want to purchase in this downtown, there was this neat yuletidey light reflection on a wall w/full moon framed in background of which i got a shot, & i found a shiny penny on the ground, & james & i've had a few nice night time walks w/downtown as destination, tho we don't buy anything, never never, so there still are pleasures to be found not contingent upon purchase, i guess is the conclusion.

- after walking around, i went in the gym ($11 a month since 1994!) & to a hugely fun aerobics class called "total body conditioning" where you do a lot of bodyweight movements w/large muscle groups. last wk we did 128 squats! i felt like superman in a rm of supermans! yes, just love that kinda stuff.  told james i would've done great in basic training, had i called the recruiter back when i was finishing high school, tho would've washed out in two seconds in all other areas of the military!!…. back to aerobics, i was forced to remember tho i jump & leap & squat like others half my age, my bones & muscles & tendons & the general machine, in fact, is so, so much older... i came down mid-burpie plyometrically, laughing! having a great time! wow, i'm really strong for being so old!, & was greeted by a CRUNCH in my neck. aw, crap… do you also hate when reality comes crashing down like that? anyways, if i'm still sore tomorrow, i'll have to go buy a heating pad, but that's certainly no extravagance… after that was a great meeting full of calm, gentle, wise, funny people. i've been told this program i'm additionally attending is grad school for the one i've been in for near-two decades. i like that analogy! i like grad school! i came home & had some soup & james & i split a bagel with delicious salty butter & now he's snoring & it's

time to hit the showers. so anyways, what do you say we see how long we can go w/o buying anything? just for experimentation's sake? or at least that we consider each purchase mightily before purchasing… why the heck not? all that crap will still be out there to buy once our resolve weakens or necessity strikes…

i blog, i blog, i blog, i blog, i blablablablabla… & Randomly Capitalize, Too

so i just read about two young teens who rescued a little girl! called the east coast police station nearest where the rescue occurred to see about sending them gift cards. the world is not hopeless! heroes live! the jameses are sick. i told mama, & she told me, with great urgency, "get off the phone right now & go make them chicken soup!" we had to talk a few more minutes so she could remind me of her recipe. next came the grocery store, another challenge, but i got the necessary ingredients, & guess what? the soup came out GOOD!!! :D :D :D
we had a super-weird week, but all has come out in the wash, so to speak… i went to the mountain home & created a fireplace inferno that cheerily warmed the living room; once james got there, the fireplace was never lonely, the house always cozy… wednesday i hopped down to harvelle's for our show; friday we were back again for james's show…
_____________
(two hrs later)
my writing was interrupted for a bit so my hubby & i could talk about a Really Big Thing happening on jan 7 that is really, really exciting! i was actually glad to be interrupted. my gnat-like attention span & propensity toward doing What I Want To Do needs to be improved upon; the conversation was important & also gladdened my heart! … after james's friday show, candye kane & band rolled in & did a set that had us weeping, at the end. i got to meet in da flesh, finally, julie jenkins, & hear about her & beau kennan's blues book project & say hi to laura c, whom i find to be very endearing & undoubtedly prodigiously talented on guitar, & james & i were greeted like family by russell scott's family, candye fans & just all-around nice folks… candye, whom i've not seen in close to two yrs but used to kind of pal around w/for a while, looked very thin, but was decked out in typical gypsy sparkly diva fashion, her biggest decoration being, like james, her gigantic smile. that might be the icing on the cake that is a real star, i think, that super smile that warms like sunshine, the smile that, when directed toward you, makes you feel so much better… we sat in a booth side stage & my husband, dressed so handsomely in suit & dark red shirt, beamed at me w/a million watts, then sweetly, & my heart melted over & over again. afterward, we said bye to candye & she asked james, gently, "you taking care of our girl?" & i remembered how she was one of the women upon whose shoulder i'd cry, someone who's given me Important Advice over the yrs. i just hugged her & said bye & we'll hope to see her again sooner than later.
we're headed to get my car now, then i need to get the wardrobe here thinned out & organized as well as finished the christmas shopping & work on the solo part for one of my songs… hope your december is rolling along smoothly, & just because i wanna, here's my favorite picture of myself. i've probably written about it here cause this blog's now been on so long, i repeat myself & don't realize it. my dress was blue velvet, the lights were bright in my face as i looked out upon a dark room (kinda prescient of playing harvelle's nowadays, now that i think about it), & the large object that covered my back was my father's hand, holding me up. i was three months old here, & along with the soldier mobile that dangled over my crib, it's my earliest memory...

that big lonesome

here's lyrics from a song i wrote last year, before james and i were a couple, before we were married, when i was free & lonesome & wild & sad & all over the place. when i get there, i will maybe record it at the mountain pad if i can get my head off the pavement:
"that big lonesome has got me by the soul / that big lonesome's got me crawlin' down a hole / that big lonesome takes the breath out from your chest / that big lonesome makes you long for ever-rest / i try so hard to resist it / that big lonesome, it's so damn persistent / big lonesome, please let my spirit be / big lonesome, please set me free"
it's no "heartaches by the numbers" or "home of the blues" or "i'm so lonesome i could cry" or "knee deep in the blues," but i wrote it & it'll have to do.
i recorded 6 originals at the beach pad. they sound solid enough for the work of one woman who's perfunctory at best on her main instrument... the strength is in the melody & lyric. i write good songs. (my husband said beautiful. i believe him.) before i left for up here, i put the songs all on cd. not sure what i will do with them. spose listen to those, get out my old ones, listen to those, determine which are the keepers, write more, send them out to people, get back on that horse. maybe make a "video" of some of the better ones, like "franklin motel," which i made for james back in 2011 or -12. if i keep trying to get ppl to hear my songs, maybe someone might record a few. it's happened already, you know. i don't need big time or money. i'll never be a star nor do i want to be one: i want to play & write good stuff & get better all the time. it's realistic. i just have to keep my head from getting squished on the pavement. there's the real challenge.
it's gold sunshine & blue skies & white snow around here, beautiful, quiet, peaceful here, warm & wintry. here at the library, i came to renew my phone card so no one would worry, since i'm "out of town" all alone (at the mountain home).  soon enough it'll be time to resume stuff like garbage, internet at the mountain home; for now, when i'm here, i use the dear, wonderful library.
doubt i'll do anything much except pass out once at the house, but my brain will come back to me; this has happened before. save serious illness, i figure i got 3-4 more decades to go of this. someone in my head doesn't want me around, but i will not listen to her at the moment. she doesn't have my best interest in mind, & she needs me to carry her around to survive, so i'm telling her right now to shut up. right now. yes, please be quiet. please let me be. i'll pay for this later.

patience, patience… musica musica...

mama asked me to record baroque piano for her for christmas, so i'm taking a break from practice… my hand was injured last month, the same day i accidentally ran over james's foot (the two incidents were not related; it was just a really really bad friggin day for us!!). his foot's recovered, but my hand's still sore, especially the wrist & third/fourth right-hand fingers, so i'm sure it's good to be working them while playing these bach & scarlatti things… i forget how calming the tempo & orderliness of this kind of music is. it's pleasing & slows my heart rate. i hope i can get them up to speed, maybe by next week… this piece i bought for a buck up at this great bookstore at westminster mall has actually THREE parts, one for 2nd piano, one for double-bass. i spose i'll need to put them all together to get the best possible arrangement. hand, heal!!
speaking of piano, the other night we hopped over to the blasters/x show at the observatory in santa ana & squeezed thru the massive crowd to land side-stage RIGHT BY GENE TAYLOR!! the young samoan bouncer was nice & backed against the wall so i could watch gene play, getting a 35 or so minute lesson. wow! his playing is so relaxed, effortless, yet jumpingly fast & musical! it sings! it soars! after the blasters' set, we went backstage & sat w/phil alvin while gene came in & asked if we'd be at the elvis show (yes) & was i still playing (yes) & told a story or two... i was tired & mentally sluggish. i met exene, who had big puffed hair & shiny mischievous eyes & wore polyester dress/cowboy boots. i grabbed a french roll & james a drink & some meat slices as we headed out… wednesday night was nice with manuel: he & james hit it off very well & he gave james the greek fisherman's hat that he'd been admiring (both men, like my dad, like to wear hats). the eve started very late; we did a baby set, then james got up & strong-armed thru five or six, then i got to get up with manuel, john palmer on drums, leo on bass & play for about 40 minutes. it felt very comfortable playing with manuel! i realized a lot of what i organically play comes from having watched his old band the blazers all those many years back in the early 90s (that same band is how i learned to play the bass, too, by watching)… i'm nowhere as nimble as ruben guaderrama, manuel's long-time best friend & musical partner til about 10 years ago, but playing with manuel nearly felt like putting on a 2nd glove that's been missing. i knew where he'd go, & he left space for me to fill. it was a happy little set for me… yesterday james took off for the toy run in long beach & i got ready & followed about 1 hr later. that was a weird afternoon cause we all were sposed to start about 130-2, but with another band on, then a protracted raffle, we ended up sitting around for many hrs -- musicas interruptus, sorta. i stormed thru about 5 songs, the best moment being during "the big g" when i found myself bouncing in a way that resulted in me playing piano & singing w/both feet off the ground! it was a superhero kinda moment! james played afterward, sounding good but looking kinda wild & ground-down (a lot on his mind). afterward, we very slowly meandered this way & that looking for a meal, finally winding up at our favorite eatery in long beach w/dishes so delicious, they nearly were obscene… today he's at a party & so now i'm gonna get back to the piano. i think i'll record some of my tunes, tho, just for variety's sake, then maybe do some christmas shopping to add more gifts beneath our pretty, fragrant, tinselly tree, which makes the downstairs smell so lovely festivey… gutta buys for now...

blablablablablablablabla

… this is in lieu of the post i just wrote about getting up too early, money, maturity, loyalty, love, & ethical dilemmas involving workplace:

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• today is james jr's birthday as well as our cousin abby. later in the month is niece madeline & cousin meredith as well as little darlene. young people, happy birthdays! with christmas also approaching, let's remember the words of thoreau: "that [wo]man is happiest whose pleasures are the cheapest."
• didn't intend it that way, but having written that in that context could be construed as pretty scroogeish. i just think of my father, the financial & other practical advice he used to give me & angie, how i heeded it & now sit pretty well (tho i'm no longer rich), even after really not having worked for 3.5 years… i'm so thankful for dad's constant reminders to find enjoyment in small & simple & even homely things as well as to conserve now, enjoy later!
• actually, here is one quote from ebenezer w/which i strongly agree: "'it's not my business,' scrooge returned. 'it's enough for a man to understand his own business, and not interfere with other people's. mine occupies me constantly.'"
• i love that novella. i remember making an ass of myself when in the MA program in san francisco & the prof asked if any passages made us cry & i was the only person to raise a hand. he then had me point out the passage and read aloud the parts that especially affected me & i got misty-eyed again. that happened, too, when he asked the same question of shaw's "joan of arc." why was no one else moved to tears??? what was wrong with me??? yet, my taciturn & dignified teacher, hands calmly clasped, smiled faintly, his eyes shining with what i thought to be, &, yes, later turned out to be vague pride…
• ok, so here are some quotes from dickens' beautiful classic, in case you don't wanna read the whole thing again or for the first time:  a christmas carol quotes 

santa claus, where are my presents?

this wednesday, dec. 4, 9 pm-midnight in long beach, ca:

oh, how i wish i had one of these...

so full...

what a golden problem, wanting to eat more due to all the delicious food in this house, yet being so full i can't fit one more bite in my mouth. this was the best thanksgiving ever, tho we didn't get to the pie run. james's new snazzy shoes of last night put the hurt on one of his feet & therefore would've impeded his running stride, anyways. we got into bakersfield at 5:10 am & the run was to start at 6 am & we were exhausted & it was cold outside, so oh well... yesterday's harp blowdown in long beach was pretty cool, co-hosted by james & bubba jackson. i did will call/tickets w/jill from oc marketplace & decided tho i liked cheering at people who came in & seeing various smiling faces & even organizing stacks of tickets & lists in front of me, i don't wanna do that job anymore cause i didn't see much of the show & james & i missed each other for the part of the show when we couldn't hang out cause of our respective tasks... i was thinking it'd be like at a stage play where you do will call til curtain time, then close down til intermission. (billy watson laughed w/recognition when i confessed this error.) i would've loved to see billy play, but there'll be a next time, i think. as-is, i got to stand sidestage w/my handsome husband & watch rick estrin's set up til he left the stage & let his young band take over, able & talented musicians, but not eccentric, dapper, funny & classy rick estrin... james was greeted with love & hugs & backslaps all night long; people were confused, even bewildered, & certainly very disappointed that he was emceeing but not playing music! over & over & over, fans & friends wailed, "you're not PLAYING?? why not??" ... anyways, james looked like a million bucks & came over from backstage to visit me at will call at one pt, his eyes full of light, happy to be seeing so many, many old friends, musician & non... we lit out in the mid of night & i hit the most comfortable bed in the world here at mom & dad's while james took pix of the night sky w/his new camera. today has been a wonderful & happy scene of family, family, family, most of blood, many of choice, & the bustle of preparing the cheery house for thanksgiving, then plate after plate of delicious food over loud & loving conversation & playing music at the piano as various ppl rotated in to sing, me crying some while cousin mary frances sang or just at the touching heartfelt lyrics of some carols, then james singing a bit, then the "thanksgiving bocce bowl," as cousin mitchell called it, w/doug & james howling & yelling & cracking everyone up for hours, the two hyper, hilarious, loving brothers-in-law putting on a show all the time to entertain us all... then we played some board games & sat around some more & visited & caught up & rested & now i'm still too full to eat another bite. that's not just a golden problem, i now realize, but a luxury one. if you had enough to eat today, like me, be thankful.

... appreciation to jimmy lee for the photo above...

"we have been cured from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body…"

- there's this thing called emotional equilibrium that is like that part of a dream where you can see something in the distance, but can't ever reach it… i've been feeling all over the place: whee! sob! wah! (with gratitude, with sadness, etc) argh! hahahhaa! sigh! etc… i initially never know how to reconcile a world in which one minute i am happy with warm thoughts of christmas & the next, sickened & unable to clear images from my head after glimpsing online reference to a "man" who [i have erased what he did bc it is too revolting; this pathetic excuse for a human is no "man" for what he did, & why are women so often on the receiving end of disgusting violence????]... what is a person with any feelings supposed to do in such an insane world??
- i know dad long ago decided the middle path was the way… i know highly emotional people who take meds to gentle the ride… then some self-medicate… then some just give up.
yes, it's a crazy, mixed-up world. i know the brave & wise way is to shoot for the middle, letting events roll off one's back like water off a duck, but man…
- anyways, i hated even to mention the horrid monster who committed the above act (not to mention, come to think of it, the piece of sh*t who videoed the murder!!!!), but i hope voicing it'll help me be rid of that mental picture. i know the world's filled with suffering… but a video of a particularly atrociously vile pig in action?? why is that online???? (no, i didn't watch it; that it exists is heartbreaking enough.)
- i have one of those visual minds that replays bad scenes, even ones imagined. are you like that, too??? i obsess & obsess & obsess: the big book calls it the "magic, magnifying mind." another passage: "we must be careful not to drift into morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to ourselves and others"… glad to be reminded of that centering phrase. it does make total sense. i'm no good to anyone when caught in the horror movies in my mind… better to play a song, or meditate, or try to help someone, or read, or exercise, or talk to a trusted friend or loved one, or go to a meeting. i am grateful right now for tools & the sometimes-wherewithal to use them, even with a soul crushed repeatedly at news of the suffering of fellow humans, especially other women in this viciously patriarchal world…
……..
- good heavens. what now? a person who knows much at all about this world must be brave, callous, or well-balanced to survive day by day, i think...
……..
[20 minutes later…]
- where there is dark, there is light: james just called & he bore good news. in fact, potentially huge, gigantosaurusly enormous good news may on the horizon… be you a prayer or not, thank you for sending him kind thoughts!
- btw, if you wish to watch something really, really cool, look up online orson welles' paris interview, & additionally, the BBC special about him that was published in the early '80s. both are fascinating. welles didn't go to college; he cast aside a scholarship to harvard to instead travel the world. he was a self-made genius, a misunderstood maverick, an articulate & (in later life) self-effacing & thoughtful renaissance man… there's another tool for combatting the blues of the world: learn about interesting people, their words & their lives!
- there's a bunch of other good stuff coming up, too, actually, like the harp blowdown tomorrow, wednesday, at the golden sails on pch in long beach, ca. james will co-host with bubba jackson of kkjz. he says it's an enormous event. this'll be my first time attending (& working); all i know is, i love the suit he's gonna wear tomorrow night! after that, we load up & head for bakersfield in dead of night. we're gonna do the turkey trot or phantom pie run or whatever its name is at 6 am on thanksgiving morning out at hart park! yaaaaaaaaay!!!! then is thanksgiving with the ginormous family & then next week at harvelle's, my dear old friend manuel is going to be the special guest for the kid ramos benefit. i hope to get a poster soon to put up here... i think that's about it except that i got a part-time job & i'm so happy: didn't realize how much i missed working, fulfilling a purpose in that way. the ppl there are hard-working & friendly; it's a very sociable & bustling place & i'm grateful to get to pretend i'm a human being & learn new skills while there… well, that's it for now except that hope you watch & enjoy our silly lovely stupid christmasy video below & if the boogy man jumps up on you, brush him aside & keep going forward.

it's christmas time in the city

hope you like our video. silver bells - whiteboy james & jenny page

"all right, mr. demille, i'm ready for my close-up…"

- james has this great camera & crap, you almost can see our corpuscles here!

- that reminds me of the classroom scene from "monkey business":
groucho: what is a corpuscle?
chico: that's easy. first is a captain, then is a lieutenant, then is a corpuscle.
groucho: why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
- that reminds me of one of most clever musical rhymes this side of chuck berry:
louis jordan: if you're a p-v-t, your duty / is to salute to l-i-e-u-t... (g.i. jive)
- i could go on, but i won't.

the boob tube

last night my husband wasn't feeling well so we did something unusual & lay in bed & watched the roku. we don't watch much tv, tho i think james used to watch more & i've gone thru periods of indulging in the boob tube. when you don't watch much tv & then you do, it can be pretty fun, like going to an amusement park. well, maybe not that fun, but kinda fun, even sometimes pretty fun, you know??
 the problem is,  i often quickly realize that no matter how many channels, there is NOTHING TO WATCH, or what options there are are brain- or soul-rotting. forget it!!!
our folks purchased a roku 3 & have been really happy w/it. roku 3 gives them endless nerd educational tv viewing options. my roku 1, the cheapest model, too, of course, has less such programming possibilities, but i'm happy enough w/it cause if i had more viewing options, i'd just sit on my butt & watch more tv instead of being active in my own life.
in my family, when we were kids, we were restricted to 1 hour a day of tv, & before that, it was 2 hrs a week, seems to me; i remember our parents having my sister & i go through the tv listings in the newspaper to plan what we'd watch, then we'd show it to them & they'd circle "our shows" & put them on the fridge. unimaginable today, maybe! - at the least, highly unusual, tho maybe it was back then, too!… i recall when i was a teacher that the few children who watched little tv were the more imaginative, even unusually imaginative students.
that's kind of a big "duh," now that i think about it: of course, they were!
so maybe mom & dad were right to keep us off the dummy box. i know there are mutants like james, who probably could have spent 24 hrs a day in front of the tv & still turned out unusually imaginative, but for average kids like me, we didn't need that stupefying influence… yes, i think what saved me was reading: i know our main family activity was going to the library, which of course was free! we were poor, so thank goodness mom & dad were bibliophiles: instead of lamenting about how poor we were, they'd just take us to the library twice a week!
anyways, that's sure a sign of getting older, isn't it?, endlessly reminiscing about one's childhood...
james & i, laying there on his sickbed, tried to find, with not much luck, the charlie brown holiday shows from our early '70s youth, then watched some videos about ultra runners such as dean karnazes & the tarahumara of mexico's sierra madres, then a piece about the grueling badwater ultra in death valley. lunacy! then we struck gold, stumbling upon the orson welles' paris interview. wow! the show lost audio about half through, which can be a problem when running a roku in a household filled with other internet-dependent devices, so i found a near-three hour show about welles & we started on that one.
tried to make it as far as "touch of evil," my favorite welles movie, but fell asleep when they'd barely gotten to "lady from shanghai." then i had a stupid nightmare in which james jumped from a 4-story platform as i watched! then i couldn't find him & one of our friends was telling me, "you know james: he probably faked it to get attention!!" i woke up still trying to find him & there he was in the bed, snoring calmly. i was mad for a minute, realizing the dream had come from something i'd seen in the welles biography, the penultimate scene in "the stranger" (SPOILER ALERT) where welles's nazi villain is impaled upon the clock tower soldier's sword & falls to his death.
damn dreams!!!
the upswing is, i got to cuddle up with my husband for a while, that is until middle-aged aches & pains & desire for coffee forced me to leave that warm bed.

waaaaaaaaaaahhhh

our cousin mary frances posted this article on facebook.  i was drawn to the disconcerting image of the teenaged boy in repose, his face looking as if he's in an anxious dream: is he… dead??
yes.
if you are not moved by this article, well… … heck, i don't know what to say. http://commonhealth.wbur.org/2013/11/diy-death-natural-home-funerals
last night i was blubbering, too, 1st while james & i watched the movie "the dallas buyers club," then after finishing rabbi harold kushner's "living a life that matters." this slim book had the biggest impact on my spirit since i read "man's search for meaning" by viktor frankl many, many years ago. i could go on & on about its main ideas: god having twin aspects, a mother's love (unconditional) & father's (earned); struggle being what makes us human, our human task (that's what i wrote in my thesis years back, come to think of it - certainly not a unique idea, but not one i remember commonly when i'm kicking myself for being human); the "seductive pleasure of getting even;" integrity; and, finally, what DOES ultimately make us matter, most all of us who'll never find cure for disease or lead a nation or have a tv show or be rich or famous or of renowned respect or even infamous…
here are the final paragraphs of the book, which i so urge you to read:
"…in the final analysis, the key to my immortality, the reassurance that my life has mattered and was not lived in vain, is not that different from the key to yours or anyone else's. i find it in the work i have done, the acts of kindness i have performed, the love i have given and the love i have received, the people who will smile when they remember me, and the children and grandchildren through whom my name and memory will be perpetuated. i have cherished, and i would commend to you, the words of ralph waldo emerson: 'to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived -- that is to have succeeded.'
"The Talmud records this exchange between two of the sages:
"'our ancestor jacob never died.'
"'how can you say that? The Bible describes him as dying in egypt and being buried in hebron.'
"'a good person, even in death, is still alive.'"

"they're coming to get you, barbara…"

just felt like writing that.

this desktop is sticky. probably with foodstuff. i believe i know who the culprit to be...

today as i wait for music tonight at harvelle's, i have gone for a job interview, taken back the rental car, talked to family, put on some laundry, goofed around online, spent far too long chopping things up to put in the crockpot for potato soup.

when i was a kid/teen (oh, i'm sure this is reiteration on this blog: oh well), making-dinner-time was my piano practice time. years ago, aunty rita gave me a refrigerator magnet that read "i kiss better than i cook."

i'm not sure that's true, tho it's a tad giggle-worthy, still...

the secret is…….ssssshhhhhh……. i am able to cook. i just prefer not to. but sometimes, like when there's a bunch of foodstuff laying around & i know i can fulfill that particular niche/task & promote the cause here (family unit), i cook something. i take little pleasure in washing the food, chopping it up, arranging it, putting it on stovetop/in oven/in crockpot/microwave/etc, having to pay sufficient attn that it doesn't burn or boil over or set the domicile on fire. then comes the task of cleaning up after cooking (actually, i like that part best). there are at least 20 things i'd rather do! so i treat cooking like washing the car or vacuuming or going to the dmv or paying bills or some other tedious  but important-in-a-reasonably-civilized-life task…

i know that cooking is considered to be an art, evidenced by the way mama & angie cook as well as  many others i know in civilian life here, & people who cook, like people who garden, create for others' pleasure & are therefore generous artists, & i know that chefs & cooks who've achieved celebrity, well, many of them are quite interesting, even fascinating! that reminds me: i should finish julia child's book, where she speaks a bit about having been a british spy… see? fascinating! who'da thunk?

anyways, the soup is cooking right now & i had pb toast & coconut juice & now i'm wondering: what else shall i read? what's playing at the gym? wonder if there're any good meetings today?

this really isn't such a bad life, this chapter.

onward & upward! may you be grand.

brrrrrrblllllleeeegggghhhhh!!!!!

don't usually take codeine cause it makes me retch, but i took a 1/2 here at the folks' house cause my neck's all stoved up, contrary to what my salty aunty rita said, not cause of anything fun. my chest feels funny & throat cottony & tight, but my neck's not hurting like it was & i don't feel any barfy feeling rising, so all's well. mama, our niece & i were having a conversation about drinking & drugging earlier as we washed dishes --  sort of feeling niece out as well as cautioning her -- we determined there's a family predisposition to problems w/such things as well as that our niece will likely be ok in that dept cause she's got her head pretty firmly screwed on shoulders. she's made big personal growth in the last yr as a human being; super-bright, she's more & more each time we see her turning into such a thoughtful & kind young woman, leaving behind the island dad has mentioned, the one on which teenagers should be exiled til they learn to be human...
the last many days have been a roiling rollercoaster of events w/visit down at the beach pad from our folks & many great meals & nice conversation & james took dad to meet dave hayden & i took mama to the bookstore & then next day we took them to see some of their mentors, fine, talented, hearty, spry ppl who were some of the 1st to settle as uc irvine faculty. over a splendid hungarian meal, we heard how mr huzti's people never have to pay taxes "in perpetuity" cause in olden times his ancestors had driven back the huns on a crucial hungarian pass! we also watched a local production of "fiddler on the roof" & i again blubbered during the prayer song, as shirley w from bksfld might say, feeling "more than a little verklempt."
the next day went from bad to terrible to the worst ever in the history of james & jenny page, but we were rescued emotionally by our folks w/their reasonable & loving wisdom. long story short, we took my truck & a luxury rental to the gig in taft, me w/mom & dad on a lovely drive admiring sky & mountains, james leaving later at 90 mph w/fractured foot, having needed to both fix his amp & obtain triage (insert political statement about u.s. health care, soon to be improved, i think, tho there will be much i-hope-only figurative bloodshed in the process)... we met angie & doug at the ot cookhouse & had happy conversation & hearty delicious fine food, then i took off for the club to load in. my set at the oasis was romping stomping jumping fun; we were stretching cause james wasn't yet there, so i added in "mean mean man" & locked in w/max on this little richard kinda slamming groove that was a flipping thrill!!  "we're a punk band now!" i exclaimed. james rolled in shortly &, even on sore foot, put on one helluva show! he adjusted the lyrics in spots to sing to the family, to their delight. that night at the room, we rested little but had important conversation while james ate all the leftovers... next morn we woke to the hotel banging on the door: oops! we had hearty breakfast & many cups of joe at the oasis, then i sat at the house piano while james sang "chains of love" & that old piano just soared around my fingers! we caravanned to bakersfield, showered at mom & dad's, then were off to o'hennessey's in oildale, at the old skylark by the old airport, where james & the fellows put on an even MORE awesome show than at the oasis, to packed house of jaws dropped in amazement, all the folks who'd never seen james up til then... feeling a little peaked, i donned james's overcoat & spent the eve admiring the band's muscular power, the crowd's wild approval, & observing a lot of schoolyard behavior coming out of adult bodies. people both nights were very nice but very drunk, resulting in much regression! -- at least  i THINK maybe booze/drugs was the excuse -- can't be fo sho!
today's been family & food & resting & playing some music here at the family house... excited that james & i might go back as a couple to a show i got to be in for 7 yrs & a few others things, too, but for now, this sloppy post'll have to do... no pix right now cause mama's little laptop won't allow it. oh well! the world'll keep spinning, i think. :)

i know why i do what i do be do be do

(all quotes from carl jung)
- In my case Pilgrim's Progress consisted in my having to climb down a thousand ladders until I could reach out my hand to the little clod of earth that I am.
- As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.
- A man who has not passed through the inferno of his passions has never overcome them.
- Follow that will and that way which experience confirms to be your own.
-  The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it.
- Man's task is to become conscious of the contents that press upward from the unconscious.
- There is no coming to consciousness without pain.
- Often the hands will solve a mystery that the intellect has struggled with in vain.
- Our heart glows, and secret unrest gnaws at the root of our being. Dealing with the unconscious has become a question of life for us.
-  In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all disorder a secret order.
- Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.
- Knowledge rests not upon truth alone, but upon error also.
- The greatest and most important problems of life are all fundamentally insoluble. They can never be solved but only outgrown.
- Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.
- Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.
- We deem those happy who from the experience of life have learnt to bear its ills without being overcome by them.
- The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed. It is just these intense conflicts and their conflagration which are needed to produce valuable and lasting results.
- Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
- Children are educated by what the grown-up is and not by his talk.
- Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
- The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

- Nobody, as long as he moves about among the chaotic currents of life, is without trouble.
- Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, something is out of tune.
- The man who promises everything is sure to fulfil nothing, and everyone who promises too much is in danger of using evil means in order to carry out his promises, and is already on the road to perdition.
- If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.
- The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.
- Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.
- We should not pretend to understand the world only by the intellect. The judgement of the intellect is only part of the truth.
- The wine of youth does not always clear with advancing years; sometimes it grows turbid.
- Great talents are the most lovely and often the most dangerous fruits on the tree of humanity. They hang upon the most slender twigs that are easily snapped off.

- Sometimes, indeed, there is such a discrepancy between the genius and his human qualities that one has to ask oneself whether a little less talent might not have been better.
(please talk amongst yourselves.)