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(james asked why i pulled this entry.; i thought it went on too, too long... but since he asked, here it is again!) - my friend jani & i caught up tonight finally; she's a really dear person. we can talk honestly, candidly about Life w/o being oblique; she understands & loves me, no matter what, as i do her. today in the local paper was my friend the professor, her kindly, shy face beaming out from an historical piece she'd written, the nice egghead: i hope to see her sometime this year... later i went running & a truck stopped ahead & a smiling woman bounded out w/arms outstretched: "JENNNY!!!" it was another friend whom i was just getting to know when i moved. we made a pact i'll call when around so we can go for a jog or hike... i love these ppl, courageous, friendly, smart, forgiving, w/gentle sense of humor, sometimes chiding, but never mean. how fortunate i am to have friends! on my own, i would be done for. - i'm the best jenny i've ever been. i blunder cause i'm human, but tho this time of life is difficult, i have no secrets to be ashamed of, no skeletons since i've gotten married, & that for me is a really big deal!... these days, i'd stack my moral fiber up to most anyone's. and such things as "moral fiber" are important to me, tho i've fallen short of my own ideals many, many times. i'm my harshest critic & don't enjoy living in hell on this earth. i've flubbed & fumbled plenty, but as i enter old age, it's slowing & i'm so grateful! anxiety, frustration & disappointment due to inability to control or foresee what will happen w/people, places, & things still plagues me, & i keep messing up due to selfish fear, but i can look in the mirror & know this human is getting better w/time... yes, in spite of it all, i have hope. i know my life ultimately is -- and at times, over the years has been -- on the road to happy destiny. my life is fortunate & purposeful, tho i will never have fame or status that ensures my name will live on past this life... that's ok. - this life is not a veil of tears; you & i weren't put here to suffer, tho, as you know, the buddhists say suffering is inevitable. they don't leave us hanging there, thank goodness: our human task is to overcome suffering thru right this & right that, therein achieving nirvana. so if we just behave ourselves, life will straighten out, right? :D - here's some positive stuff about me. i need to bolster myself! 1) i like most all people, tho like most, i've had mucho life trauma & drama. "fall down seven times, stand up eight." i believe in bravery, & tho sometimes i feel like a chicken, i know in my heart of hearts that ultimately i will do right. 2) i've been w/o alcohol or illicit drugs since july 4, 1995. 3) my eyes are hazel, but they sometimes are yellow or green. people have told me they are pretty. 4) i love playing the drums & experimenting w/ instruments. 5) my favorite music is what the alvin bros deemed "american music." 6) i love to exercise & run, tho i am not fast & never will be. 7) favorite books i try to carry w/me wherever i live are "meditations" (marcus aurelius), "earth poems from around the world," "folk remedies that work" & "archy & mehitabel" & "man in black." well, & the big book. 8) i've made mistakes being manipulative, needy, dishonest -- but since marrying, i've been a good wife & that has made me proud, to know i can be loyal. the next task is to get control over my words. 9) i have many acquaintances i like a lot as well as some dear friends. i have many loved ones. 10) i'm left-handed & only ambidextrous on the piano. i need to heal my injured right hand, but know that lots of practice will achieve that. 11) i've always known my own hobbies, interests, passions & been clear in what i like. that certitude pleases me; i'm no zelig! 12) i love to wander, travel, adventure around, especially to funky places where i don't spend much money. i've gotten to do a lot of it in my life so far. 13) tho i love people, i also love to be alone; in solitude, i regenerate. 14) we have the most lovely little ramshackle mountain house where we will live happily ever after in old age. 15) my favorite piano players are professor longhair, gene taylor, jimmy yancey, johnny johnson, piano red, & champion jack dupree. 16) i've written over 200 songs. 17) i'd like to be a voice actor; it's fun to imitate different voices to make people laugh or surprise or move them. 18) i keep my promises, tho i'm still a procrastinator. 19) i really love eccentric, smart, resourceful, creative ppl & am happy that not all brainy ppl are cold, selfish, sick, &/or downright damaged... tho many are, for some dismaying reason. 20) i'm especially glad for loved ones, for i'd be dead, were it not for my parents, donna, kristi, & my higher power! (gee, that last pt can ring hollow... but i must believe!! i must!!) 21) i'd be dead if i'd not stopped drinking; doc said i'd have wet brain by age 25. kept going til near-28, but i think my brain's just soggy. 21) used to have a photographic memory for numbers; not anymore! still, it's fun to reminisce about when i was really, really smart... 22) i can wear clothes i wore 20 yrs ago... but i won't cause i'm middle-aged & that'd be gross! 23) my favorite color is green. 24) my favorite magazines are runners' world & the new yorker. 25) my favorite dessert is frozen yogurt w/nuts & fruity pebbles. yum. 26) my favorite american cities are austin, memphis, new orleans & los angeles. 27) my favorite european cities are rome & paris. 28) racially, angie & i are juaneno/ajachemen "indian," mexican/south american, northern italian, & english & i think that's mostly quite cool. 29) i love nature & it's through nature, & that "something" that exists in meetings, that i feel the presence of god. 30) i had a journalism background, then chose the other then-low paying job: teaching. i was a teacher for 17 yrs. loved the kids, the union, our honorable family tradition of being dedicated educators (i'm the biggest slouch in the bunch). 31) i love dogs & animals in general, more & more the older i get. 32) in my 1st marriage, i had two lovable dogs whom i miss to this day so, so much. the house was beautiful & i was rich, but it was not right to stay married. 33) now i live in an apartment in north OC w/my 2nd husband & stepson. we cannot have pets, tho we have a visiting mouse that thinks it owns the kitchen. in the complex, 2/3 of our female neighbors also are named jenny & one of the dogs is named otis, which was james's dog of 17 years' name. these coincidences are cool! 34) in OC, i have become fond of the library; some of the wide-open streets, great gym classes, the wetlands, proximity to long beach, & kindly, brave, loving women in meetings. 35) i have 3.12 college degrees: BA, english; T.Ed; MA, Humanities, & (partial) Library Media Specialist credential. they ended our library jobs, so i dropped out of the program. today, i learn via reading & the website coursera.org 36) we live a long, long time in my family, which is good reason to do all i can these days to make sure my melon's chunked on straight! 37) i am quite strong, for a woman my age. 38) i still miss grandma mary, mr jackson, stacy, uncle henry & uncle danny, as well as many ppl still living, but i'm grateful to have known them at all. 39) one of my main heroes is saint damien of molokai. 40) i love caves, desert, prairie, wide open spaces, mountains. 41) i love listening to npr while i drive. 42) my parents have amazing minds & hearts & if i can ever be 1/5 the person they are, i will be shocked & amazed. 43) in my 1st band, i was the bass player. it got me playing music in public, so that was good. 44) people have assumed i was "goth" &/or into S&M, but i'm quite old-fashioned personally, really, & so's my husband, which is pt of why i love him so. 45) i was a terrible slob when a child/adolescent, but i'm very neat & tidy nowadays. 46) am 46 years old & looking fwd to 50. :)