weird american-culture irony that hyde speaks those words as he is wrenched from jekyll in all his evil splendor by poison/potion, for in print, they bring to my mind the climax of dr king's most famous speech... this story & dickens' "christmas carol" as my two favorite novellas. that's just an interjection; what i want to write about is that before & after tonight's show w/big manny, whose heart, talent, & sense of humor are as gigantic as his frame, i've been thinking about this movie, this version, w/fredric march so handsome & imploringly good as jekyll, so easily, terrifyingly evil as hyde. the man is split by poison/potion, made bad (manifesting the either-or problem of the binary system; what if there had been a trinity here? jekyll, hyde, &… someone in the middle? i guess that could kill the horror somewhat, detracting from the two men's/alters' stark contrast)… for some ppl, the poison is the cure. i know bc it used to be for me, & still would be, were i to imbibe tonight. many alcoholics drink to self-medicate, like i did, when i couldn't handle my thoughts, my feelings, my brain, my life, my totality. even when physically abstaining, a dry alcoholic may not be able to stand "life on life's terms" & can suffer mightily/cause mighty suffering in those who love him, inevitably (?) returning to the panacea/killer drink, finding instant tho temporary ease & comfort in the bottle (or, for the addict, in poison ingested via various methods & through vein, nostril, mouth, or places more sordid). i struggle -- & always will, i think, as long as i get to live -- w/why humankind has need for intoxication; i have to tell myself it's the misplaced search for god & the innate human need for transcendence -- especially when the person next to me is holding a drink that, after 18.5 years, still elicits from me a drool. to think otherwise, like the origin of intoxication was just accident; that humans are hapless creatures doomed to touch it & die (spiritually/physically/somehow); that addiction & death via intoxication exist to "thin the herd," as james has said… i can't think that way. maybe it's realistic thinking, but it seems so bleak. what do you think? to live happily, i think, means remaining oblivious, to some degree… jeez, that's kinda depressing, too...
yes, can't safely touch it & i know that, but how nice it must be to have the release that booze brings to alcoholic people like me… instantaneously. how easy. the quick fix. but the cost for me would be too, too high, so i won't do it, tho i look lately at people drinking & have that moment almost of envy. then i have to remember my tools that can help me approach g.o.d. w/o poisoning myself. then maybe i use one or two. maybe. yes, thank the good universe that i have learned, in spite of myself, methods to try to touch g.o.d. that don't involve me having to pump poison into myself. i'm not here forever, not in this form, anyhow. i could live to be a healthy old lady. you & i, we could have long & beautiful lives. we could become wise. we could share with our fellow sufferers & have great happiness & serenity. we could really live, not just exist. "granted that i must die, the question is this: how shall i live today?"
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