staaaahlish & toujours gai

a friend of dear sweety cousin mary fafa wrote a nice comment about this pic from a few months back. i looked at it again &... it is pretty cool & yes, we can look pretty stylish. :) on topic of photos, james has been taking some really interesting ones with his nice camera & i hope he'll post them someplace bc their subject matter speaks of his unusual & active mind, i think -- they are novel & inventive, as is his ever-take, just bc he has that james brain... i often feel quite pedestrian by comparison, humbled & often amazed, tho i know what i've got, too, as far as gifts, as well as that everyone has his/her place & niche & purpose. mine is to be always the worker bee always in production & always moving & always trying to figure everything out while his is to be the king bee, maybe, or heck, i don't know, but i think whatever is going on here ultimately is complementary, i'll say that, & maddening, too, & beautiful, too, & enlightening & even revelatory, too,  & i'm sticking to it, too, & he is, too, so that's enough of that... this morn i got to swoosh thru the rain to visit my beloved little sponsor & now i'm gonna venture out into the elements for a walk to the downtown library & gym, & that's it for now except that my manner of writing is reminding me of don marquis's archy & mehitabel tho nowhere near as poetic, of course... check that out, if you've not read it. here's a sample: http://www.well.com/user/ari/archy/the.song.of.mehitabel.html

in spirare

a little too bushed to write, but am gonna, anyway. i'm moved in many ways by our last few days visiting family. found out our retired parents volunteer for five & more agencies & serve on three boards. "i have to keep myself busy," mama said casually, "or i just start thinking about myself all the time & get depressed!" it sparked me & i got online & finally put in the job apps i'd been procrastinating over. then, the lightbulb: i realized what book i should be writing. bam! in a flash: there it was! an idea prompted by love, too, which dad concurred is the compelling reason one should write.
john updike's daily morning routine was to write for 3 hours at his typewriter from the windowed attic of his new england home; lately i've been gnawed at by the knowledge i should be doing that, too (tho not in an attic, & not in john updike's new england home, but you get the picture...) but i'm not creative, see; that's what i've told myself for years. i can't write a novel. i can't write poems (although i do write songs, copiously & uncontrollably, even).  but applying the discipline of work to the practice of an artistic pleasure such as writing or music, that i can do. and who knows: maybe a novel COULD come of that. for now, with book topic in mind, let's see what i actually can do... 30 days now into my newest practice, even tho i keep hitting those speed bumps because i'm still learning when to steer, when to surrender the wheel, i feel emboldened to add more life-rigor, to be more like our folks & niece (read on), to try harder, to be braver, more affectionate, more trusting, to not give in to the infernal head...
just now, mama & i had a sweet, poignant, long conversation w/my niece (mama's beloved granddaughter), who today in class presented her 1st short story & was met w/overwhelmingly positive feedback. this usually reserved girl cried tears of joy & gratitude & admitted how mad she'd been at herself for giving up writing for a while, having decided it to be impractical. "but it calls to you," i ventured, & she nodded. "it's your passion; you mustn't abandon it ever again!" i said, remembering when i was too "practical" (& drunk) to play piano, how i missed it, how i even felt lonely & ashamed w/o it, like part of me was missing. she nodded w/agreement... we listened proudly as mama talked about her successes as a college writer & later, master teacher. mama was the type of dedicated inborn educator who made others like me look like hacks. her classroom was so beautiful w/art & writing, i felt like quitting every time i visited, yet so damned proud... suddenly james blew thru the room dressed to the 9's & headed to gig, spouting funny stuff to maddy as he departed. dad had drawn him a big silly map & wandered in the room for a minute to tell a dadaish story before wandering back to his computer, where he is working on another historical piece. it's a crazy artistic family, we agreed, w/the emotional rollercoasters that accompany that, but also w/the huge soul satisfactions that come from creating. (you should see the sculpting james has been doing lately, btw! i hope that he will have a show some time soon, & an idea's afoot, i hope!)
i sat down to read maddy's story. i'm a big reader, but my time on earth's getting shorter, so these days at the library, when i pull a title from the shelf, i give it a sentence -- at most, paragraph -- before deciding to choose it or not. ... maddy's story's 1st sentence was astonishing. it took my breath away. i quickly ran in to the other room to read it aloud to mom & dad & we all marveled & smiled & puzzled: "how did she DO that?"
i half-joked to madeline, "when you become a millionaire writer, i want you please to buy me a grand piano." she laughed appreciatively, & my heart is warm & proud & pleased to've gotten to spend the eve w/those i did in the manner that i did... that's all for now.

history & gushing

last night james put on the most kick-butt show i've seen him do in some months. he's always awesome, but last night was super-extra awesome; with guest drummer michael leasure & husband's vocals dialed in really well by sound man scott, it was as thrilling in many parts as the young blasters! i was so proud of james, who put in four hours of solid, honest, hard-driving, no-holds-barred music. i still think he so often is the best band leader i've ever seen, & the greatest front man.
and the handsomest.
if you want to see him do it, come on down to harvelle's in long beach on a wednesday night. but be warned: i might be opening, & i definitely will be up there at some point singing a duet & having a good time with my favorite person!  :D
today i went to two great meetings & learned all kinds of gems of wisdom from some top-drawer people. at the 1st, which i got to walk to through the lovely breezy day, i ate some delicious marshmallow-peanut delights, heard some truly inspiring & touching stories, & won a beautiful jasmine plant. at the 2nd, a young woman declared motivation to be a muscle that can only be strengthened by oneself & another humbly remarked that living by program "is a noble way to exist."  afterward, i came back & cleaned this place up to cheery level so that my jasmine could have a warm spot in which to flourish, then researched a cool train trip for my hubby. i'm so excited for him! i know how he loves trains, & this'll be a maiden voyage so that next time we can travel together! as-is, i will pick him up on the mountain side & we'll be able to visit one of our favorite little towns, which turns out is right where the train will deliver him. (he picks it up just blocks from his dear friend's business, which means the trip will start w/a healthy little stroll... what a nice day james will have, i think!)
 tonight, we met up at the movies & i was delighted that parts were filmed in greenland & iceland. "i want to go there with you," he whispered. new york city, too. "let's do it!" we agreed... i want to go everyplace with him. it's sweet & exciting to know he feels that way, too!
we got home & started talking & i remembered suddenly my last group of teachers; an online search revealed this, so i made a collage & post it here so that i don't forget.
happy upcoming weekend to you, & may it be worthy.

ice cream, nuts, rabbits, skunks, weasels & rats

the ice cream truck's cranking its whimsical calliope-carnival sounds around the neighborhood. it's february!!! back home in kern county, we'd hear the ice cream truck serenade & know summer was coming... i still smile thinking of my skinny little sister desperately running down the street, her little feet slapping the asphalt & coins clenched in her little fist, yelling in her little voice, "wait! wait!" with the truck's song clinking faster & faster in the distance, not stopping for her, poor little angie...  i wanted to kill that guy for not stopping for her, except the cutely uncaring music made it all funny!
here in so-cal, the appearance of the ice cream man doesn't signal summer or any change of season, for that matter, since this is a constantly temperate area. (around here, also, the ice cream man is james's friend, a man whom james taught harmonica & so from whom he always gets free ice cream, of course! just another one of those james-kinda "coincidence" stories. dad was with james when the ice cream man pulled up @ this connection was revealed... dad laughed out loud w/delight!) ... yes, it's always ice cream weather here. i'm not complaining: i can breathe here. must enjoy it  while i'm here... am, more than usual lately. i've gotten nicely ensconced in being a gym & jogging nut again, as well as a connected 12 step fellow again, w/lots of strong, warm, heartfelt meetings here & on the mountain. feels good to feel so "part of" again w/high-caliber, no-sneaky-agenda/no-hypocrisy, humble & sincere people -- altho there are those here, too, like in all walks of life -- just in much smaller numbers than the good eggs!
geez, i'm supposed to be doing step work, but it's gotten too heavy in the last half-hour, so here i is. so started looking at pix of a recent musician's charity event & saw a cool one of billy watson's harmonica case, with affirmations/reminders written on its wooden edges. what a terrific musician & person! i wish we knew a lot more musicians like billy watson & manuel "big manny"  & people of that positive, optimistic, slightly-bent but wholly-good-hearted, kindly, quick-witted ilk... i know there's a lot more of them out there, but those two come primarily to mind... well, heck, better get ready for the meeting.
oh crap! gotta run!

lifelifelifelifelifelifelifelife

today we met with angie & doug at our favorite LB restaurant; what a lovely time! what delicious, delicious grub! my religious sister & bro-in-law snapped what they called the "food porn" pic. we visited doug's folks, who were working a booth at an antique/flea market near LBCC. what fun, to walk around beneath the beautiful breezy beachy blue skies w/two of our most beloved humans, looking at all the junk! a small woman closing up her booth gifted doug w/a metal toy train. wow! doug is a preacher & attributes all such things to god. more power to him & his belief, i say: he has made my sister happier than i've ever seen her, & he is a kind, brave, funny man who fervently loves james (calling him "the finest brother-in-law in the realm") & me, too, & has helped 100s, heck, 1000s of people desperate, spiritually lost/bankrupt, hopeless! i know that my husband, even w/his wild, wild ways, has saved lives, also, as has my sister, our folks, & maybe you? these people -- any  who extend the hand of kindness, salvation, hope, comfort -- are to be marveled by, to admire...
we ended up at dale's diner in north LB, enjoying malts, pie, coffee & loud, ribald, sometimes scatological conversation (angie & i were raised around mad magazine; our husbands are just wing nuts w/crazy, crazy pasts!)... at one pt, i realized we were roaring about this stuff in a restaurant; to my happiness, i realized looking around that no one was paying us any attention at all. :D

there really should be a tv show about james & doug. i mean, look at these pix! my sister & i, not raised to be wallflowers, look so boring by comparison! :) being around angie & doug feels good; they have worked out a friendly, loving, supportive marriage -- model for any relationship, from my viewpoint.
have a happy week.

drive-through communication & the dignity of the golden arches

yesterday was one of the most satisfying v-days i've ever had. practical, calm, it ultimately was quite comforting. i got to meet with my kindly, wise sponsor, then end the day warm in bed drifting off w/magazine as my dear husband snored quietly. in the middle was other good stuff, chiefly a marriage-building conference at nearby megachurch of wide walls, pretty architecture & furnishings, cheerful clean-cut throngs, & lots of good snacks & beverages. the conference featured some seeming-common sense suggestions, but for someone like me, they were uncommon & therefore welcomed! stuff like this: raise your mate's value -- honor him/her; lower your anger; do whatever possible to make your mate feel safe. a great tool we learned was called "drive-through communication," so i'll leave that for you to look up.
today we skipped out early on the conference's day 2 after agreeing we'd gotten more good info already than we could've hoped for & anyways were better off out in the sunshine headed for an eatery. too, we'd woken up far too early for vampire musician/s & were having trouble staying conscious. we packed in some big plates of savory hawaiian food & once home, drowsily tucked in for afternoon nap. james had a wedding gig, so i made him a sandwich & he hit the road after which i went out & cashed in a gold nugget i found while cleaning the mountain house last month: a bookstore gift card!
earlier i mentioned drive-throughs, & for yrs i scoffed at mcdonald's. this eve i decided that, sure, such megacorporations definitely should be viewed w/skepticism, but blanket condemnation on my part is elitist bullcrap. mcdonald's certainly has its place, & not as in a place where only the poor uneducated eat and/or are exploited, or where you'll find "those people"  -- think of those ugly sneering online attacks, whole sites set up to jeer at "wal-mart people." in this sort-of posh orange county town where eateries can be inhabited by spoiled snots w/loud mouths & opinions, the large & clean golden arches i visited tonight was welcoming: quiet, staffed by friendly folks & peopled by brown & tan & flax-skinned patrons who conversed in lulling hushed tones sounding almost like mantra. yes, i really appreciated sitting w/snack wrap & french fries in the reading corner, staying for quite a bit, reading my new book while others around me read/studied, too, in an unspoken, seemingly-consensus politeness & calm... it was a nice time w/no artifice & no waste & no braying bozos, a dignified time... an honorable time. at mcdonald's! maybe, like james told me today, because i feel happy/good/decent/dignified lately, i see it in other people. he could be right!
back here, i put plump massive chicken breasts in the oven for james to have once he's back home, then had long conversation w/jamesjr about director's cuts, orson welles, atheism, etc., then got online to read dad's latest history of dust storms in kern county as well as some weird lewis carroll poems he sent (the funniest is called "hiawatha").
tomorrow we get to dine w/our favorite bennetts in the world in one of our favorite cities, LBC. life's much easier for me personally when i consider my activities as "get-to's" rather than "have-to's." well, i'm still too full to exercise. talk about a golden problem. golden problem, golden arches, golden rule, golden mean, i don't want silver, i don't want gold, all i want is you darling, to have & to hold (sing "5" royales)... over & out.

murdersickle

jeff hyde snapped this pic yesterday at james's show for a man celebrating 25 yrs' involvement w/a certain motorcycle club... here, we are pictured on jeff's new bike. james used to ride, i hear, & in my 1st marriage, i was heavily exposed to the motorcycling lifestyle. in fact, i had a beautiful red sportster for about 5 minutes, but it wasn't for me.
i was surprised how easily i was able to hop on after these many yrs, but i think that was due to yoga, not a natural affinity for motorbikes.
today's a good day, & it's nice to not be cold at night. i met with my octogenarian sponsor the other day, & her wisdom & kindness so-inspire me. also nice is how james rearranged our bedroom as well as the breeze blowing in as he gently sleeps, my cup of coffee, my peanut butter toast, in short, there is much for which to be grateful. today we might go see my favorite living pianist, but if we don't, that's cool, too. lately i've been thinking, whatever happens beyond my nose is beyond my control, so i just gotta make sure i do what i must to keep the nose & all that holds it up in firm check.

allergy & addiction

woke this morning w/pain stabbing left ear/throat/eyeball region. the time has come: my allergies, the persistent little a**holes, have caught up to all the places i live, mountains, valley, & beach. crap! i mix a concoction of tea tree oil, meyer lemon, apple cider vinegar w/water & down it. yeccch! -- but i think it helps. (you know what they say about placebos.) i used to write on here a lot about my myriad ENT woes -- hope this blog doesn't again become that!
"the doctor's theory that we have an allergy to alcohol interests us" is a line from the chapter of the big book that changed my life -- not like seeing a burning bush or being struck by figurative (or literal!)  lightning, but i was changed w/a shiver of recognition, that uncanny feeling of "you've known this all along, dummy"... allergies, i have many, many, & stopping that one in its tracks has sure helped my life along quite a bit. heck, it's allowed my life to persist, endure, abide, period! yes, am sure i wouldn't have a life, had i remained slave to that deadly allergy to ethyl alcohol & its fellow toxic substances. w/in the sh*tbag of active addiction, i wasn't meeting any goal of numbing or appeasing the infernal coconut, anyways. at best, i got temporary relief, but then the stuff would wear off & there i was again. you know what they said in buckaroo banzai, by way of confucius: "wherever you go, there you are."
why am i writing again???? it's what i seem to love to do; seems to me i started writing & piano playing around the same time, so creative output via fingers is wired in me like that. also, yesterday we learned about the death of actor philip seymour hoffman & were sad. what an interesting actor, so unconcerned w/being lovable! seeming so conflicted in his person, & indeed, he was! james & i've watched "the master" repeatedly: such a strange, beautiful, sad, difficult movie! then i heard the actor'd been sober over 20 yrs & had gone back out & i almost hit the ground, like a blow to the chest! the woe & sadness & desperate need for instant relief he must've felt, the terrible aloneness, then the commonality of such despair, the why-does-dope-&-drink-exist-at-all torturing question: i had to contact a bunch of sober people i know, just to reassure & remind myself: we must never give up! many responded in kind, so i was restored to comfort in the company of my fellows. even cyber contact is enough; the world can be such a sad & lonely place; i cannot exist alone.
obsessed w/the "5" royales, i learned today that lowman pauling, the band's songwriter, rip-roaring, protean guitarist, & bass vocalist, also died of alcoholism. i know so little of lowman pauling except his genius music, the unbridled emotion that surged from his guitar & voice, his wise, truthful, astonishing lyrics & melodies. i spose my job is to take that info in, stave my own emotional reaction, & realize: that is not me today. so many of the wildly creative, those who "fly too close to the sun," perish prematurely: i can be sad about this, certainly i should mourn, but i must be a survivor, for the world needs me, as it needs you, even if i'm no wild creative, even if i will not change the world in any large way.... so i'm writing that here. if you're reading this, please don't court the devils of alcoholism or addiction of any kind, be it dope, food, gambling, self- or other-abuse, lower companions, perversions, etc...  don't listen to it: persist, abide, & thrive. if you're down, here's some stuff to look at, other possibilities. see you later. love, jenny
quotes from confucius  engaged buddhism stuff to learn

"when you walked in through that door, all the loneliness i knew had gone..."

(song by the greatest band in the world, the five royales. here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoEjxvklJA8)

"i felt so wonderful & strange when you walked in thru that door"

we have had the best many days in a long while. james caught up on much-needed rest at the mtn house & we got snowed in, causing us to have to miss an important appointment, but oh well! "snowed in with you," james mumbled happily from under a mountain of bedcovers. "oh, how terrible!" he was right & the day went well, but i do hope to reschedule soon... the bakersfield production of the producers we got to see was shockingly great! strong acting, excellent vocals & choreography, & the guy who played the director just killed! james said he looked like billy watson, i saw lon chaney; most importantly, the guy had the superb face to go w/his acting! we were at a dinner theatre, so got to dine w/angie, doug, mom & dad as well as see old dear family friends. the gias sent us off to oxnard next morn w/bellyful of great breakfast & other goodies. james loved the beautiful, lusciously verdant, nostalgic heritage valley & we stopped at a giant produce market at which a small man sang a sappy song in english-spanish at blasting volume & then we visited the picturesque town of fillmore before arriving at uncle jimmy's. superbowl was a washout (i'd like to read malcolm gladwell's take on what happened), but the visit was splendid & we ate like king & queen; sherry had put out quite a spread! we watched some of groundhog day in the cozy guest bedroom that night, then next morn had meditation time & went thru 78 records w/uncle jim before heading back out. we drove thru oxnard's historical district w/all its beautiful homes, had oaxacan food, delicious giant cookies, then were back on the beautiful drive along 126, stopping wherever we wanted for a thrifty's cone & some mexican salve at a tidy place called farmamex, then a wonderful garden/antique shop that meandered from train cars to little black goats to koi ponds to produce to uprooted, inverted trees that looked like something from tolkien. we then turned off & wound thru the beautiful little town of piru where a crew was filming a tv show before heading back up the mountain. this eve james rested more & the final big news has been that jamesjr was accepted to college out of state. his father & aunt are so proud, & bricks are being laid in place for the solid foundation of the young man's future. congratulations to jamesjr!
i leave you with link to more five royales songs. the band defies categorization except to say they were the greatest! the five royales, a band you should definitely know, if you don't already...
lastly, jani wisely said the other day, "there are no mistakes, only lessons." as usual, in spite of myself, i must conclude that there is much for which to be grateful. don't you think?

nostalgia: lol!

(from www.etymonline.com:

nostalgia (n.)

1770, "severe homesickness" (considered as a disease), Modern Latin (cf. French nostalgie, 1802), coined 1668 by Johannes Hofer, as a rendering of German heimweh, from Greek algos "pain, grief, distress" (see -algia) + nostos "homecoming," from PIE *nes- "to return safely home" (cf. Old Norse nest "food for a journey," Sanskrit nasate "approaches, joins," German genesen "to recover," Gothic ganisan "to heal," Old English genesen "to recover"). Transferred sense (the main modern one) of "wistful yearning for the past" first recorded 1920.)

("considered a disease"! well, if you grew up when i did, w/the era's cultural influences, perhaps that's true; the music of our parents' time, i think, was much less embarrassing, as a whole!) :D

- james posted this pic on our facebook page, so i'm posting it here... (sing peaches & herb song...) earlier tonight, i was driving & tuned in to art laboe & found myself singing along to "ladies' night" (kool & the gang -- had to look both artists up) & stopped singing & laughed out loud, realizing the song's nostalgic for me, even tho when the record came out, i didn't like it, was indifferent to it, or maybe even hated it! i texted james cause altho we both love american music best, being of the same vintage we have that shared almost-uncanny  familiarity/attraction to stuff far different, the pop culture stuff of our youth, a time long before internet, before music videos, even, when all kids seemed to hear the same radio music & watch the same tv shows & buy the same records & long for the same bell bottoms, the time of disco, then new wave (at which pt "video killed the radio star")... ... two young members of my family are learning piano, i'm so proud to say, so earlier, mama was digging around for sheet music to send little thomas in texas when she found my once-beloved sheet music for the early '80s tv show "hill street blues." "remember how you used to play this all the time?" she said, & in my amnesiac-kinda way, i didn't, so dutifully i went to the piano & started playing it & laughed out loud, the mundane, tinkly melody instantly familiar & so typical of inoffensive, uninteresting yet catchy, generic-sounding tv themes... (i belittle, yet composers w/knack for such melodies are sitting a lot fatter financially than i am, i think!) ... it was a song i once had thought SO COOL cause i was 11 or 12 or who-knows how old & i watched that tv show! how tastes change; how memory persists, triggered by the smallest to most blatant smell, sight, body sensation, comment, or melody... well, here's hoping madeline & thomas learn to love the piano like i have, & never turn away from it, as i did when i was actively drinking/etc, & find friendship, joy, challenge, catharsis, gratitude in it, as i have... that's enough for now.

wheeeeee!!!!

it's a good day! many positive events have happened or are afoot! praying that each time i clean my environs, i remember to ask that my mind be cleaned... that might sound religious: i know it's not! plus, it doesn't matter what others think: i know my motives. the weather's so nice; the stars at night are so brilliant; the air last night when i left the meeting smelled like leaves & mountains & the mysterious luminous life force; i have a good & hopeful feeling of affirmative growth & hope it's not just mania coming on!! i don't think so cause i was doing some seriously stinko writing earlier (step work -- bleghhghghg!!!) & yet right now i feel so happy. it's good to clean that crap out -- it's good to take inventory of one's own store or, as rumi called it, "guest house."
well, i'm gonna get back to cleaning & other work, & later, more yucky but necessary writing, then tonight, another meeting w/friends & later in the week, oh, i can't wait, i can't wait! :D :D :D  below is something super-fun to watch, if you've never seen it. this is one of the greatest movies in the world, in my opinion!
bye for now, fellow human!

out on the porch

gas food lodging buddha

this plan'd be perfect, if i had no bladder! i'm at a roadside mcdonald's on my laptop while james plays a night time birthday show in los angeles. i don't usually get mcdonald's, but it's a special occasion: it's saturday night!! when i order from here, i'm usually prudent, but tonight i went whole-hog: a burger w/cheese & bacon, big salty fries w/ketchup, big carbonated beverage. it went down great, savory, salty, tasty, but now... the bathroom calls, not to mention signals that a revolt could be impending in the factory of my digestive system... since i don't wanna disconnect all this stuff just to answer nature, i'll make this quick. don't you love roadside culture? when i or we are at the mountain pad & get a bit bored, all it takes for quick relief is to load up & drive 4 miles down to the interstate, where there's always a uniquely american travel-culture scene in action. i love golden hills & trees that stretch beneath a heaven of deep blue or night-black sky contrasted w/concrete, neon, truck stops, gas stations, asphalt, & hustle-bustle -- the families, the lonely vagabonds, the permanently itinerant, the disquieted rovers, the tired travelers, etc. etc. -- not to mention truckstop trinkets, junk food, coffee coffee coffee, gigantic parking lots, car lights swooshing like restless jewels along the freeway, tons & tons of vehicular steel & human cargo motoring beneath uncaring, quiet skies... i realized this evening, we used to live on the edge, & we still do: the edge used to mean constant danger from toxic chemicals, habits, & people; now it means we border three counties: kern, LA & ventura! i so much prefer it this way... :) today i drove out windy mountain roads with vistas of mountainsides & forests (some burned) to the pine mountain buddhist temple. i've been reading much lately on spirituality & ratcheting up my emotional equilibrium. it makes sense that if i've developed two positive lifelong habits (not drinking & playing piano), certainly achievable is adding a third -- mental wellness. realized recently, i'm tired of being a kook!! the creative part is great, but the rest of it? bleghhhhghhhhphhhghgh!!! at the temple i received meditation instruction from rev phoebe, a tall, slender monk of warm dutch accent & blazing eyes who used amusing metaphor memorably: a mantra can be used in the manner of a guardrail when driving a mountain road; the distracted mind must constantly be called back to meditation in the way that you would train your dog: "here, boy!" -- with patience & tenacity. both she & her fellow monk, sheikai, are 60sih, w/shaved heads & slender, tall frames cloaked in brown robes. they maintain the property's 45 acres between the two of them, "a skeleton crew," said phoebe. the grounds are clean, flat chaparral of golden & dusky greens surrounded by yawning mountainsides; walking paths are marked by meditation spots w/small & large statues of the buddha, each accompanied by flowers & stones. after my instruction was a zen ceremony which i found to be beautiful & bizarre; i then played w/the benji-ish temple dogs, yasper & della, before it was lunchtime, a vegetarian meal in the great room of one of the three houses. after that, we did dishes & then was dharma time w/rev sheikai; we discussed the "undivided self" & through our many expressed frets, he assured us that dedicated practice eventually would better-cement the reality in our minds that separation is illusion -- the key being that practice, again, like learning piano & not drinking a day at a time, can never stop in order to be successful. there can be no breaks, no vacations, no pauses, & in fact, the practice when made a steadfast habit can lead to a life much more worth living. yes! really grateful to've gotten to share the day w/the earnest & friendly monks and visitor laura, i also got that soto zen is probably a bit too formal for me. i'm pretty excited about these ideas, even w/the past controversy. after all, the "cult" i've been in for near-19 years has not just kept me alive, but has allowed me to have many times of happiness, joy, & freedom. also, i was moved to read about the WW2-era bravery of japanese buddhists makiguchi (who was martyred) & toda; accused of promoting "thought control," both stood by their ideals in the face of torture by the government. such brave people inspire me, don't they, you? well, better get going before my bladder explodes.:) corporate materialist culture instills desire & dissatisfaction, we all agreed during today's dharma talk. however, some elements of it can be downright useful, like, right now, the public toilet. namaste, fellow traveler...

"hope is the thing with feathers..."

- doh! current life for james & me is exciting, scary, lonely but not empty, & really good -- it's a time of huge positive change for better-than-ever health in all ways! i am hopeful & happy for him, & i know he is for me.
- this eve we went to dinner w/aunty rita & i was treated to an ahi salad, which she says uncle henry always used to order, so i got it in his honor. wow - it was so delicious! company was nice, too. so fortunate am i -- must never forget!
- the wind, which has been blowing like a banshee for three days now, finally stopped; i am learning a new mantra & practice as well as taking contrary action (positive instead of fearful/selfish!); i've been reunited w/many fellow trudgers whom i love: life feels wide-open, full of promise for improved wholeness, moral & physical integrity, a slipping away of fear in exchange for loving faith in the great ineffable that moves mountains -- not to mention anticipation of good times, music, creativity, good purpose, fun, & true appreciation, support, & love, not mere infatuation... here are some pix for now & may you be warm, safe, &, if not happy, at least healthy &/or wealthy in corpus, animus, et spiritus...

blablablablablablablabalbalbalblablablablablablablablablablablablbalaaaaaaaa

(james asked why i pulled this entry.; i thought it went on too, too long... but since he asked, here it is again!) - my friend jani & i caught up tonight finally; she's a really dear person. we can talk honestly, candidly about Life w/o being oblique; she understands & loves me, no matter what, as i do her. today in the local paper was my friend the professor, her kindly, shy face beaming out from an historical piece she'd written, the nice egghead: i hope to see her sometime this year... later i went running & a truck stopped ahead & a smiling woman bounded out w/arms outstretched: "JENNNY!!!" it was another friend whom i was just getting to know when i moved. we made a pact i'll call when around so we can go for a jog or hike... i love these ppl, courageous, friendly, smart, forgiving, w/gentle sense of humor, sometimes chiding, but never mean. how fortunate i am to have friends! on my own, i would be done for. - i'm the best jenny i've ever been. i blunder cause i'm human, but tho this time of life is difficult, i have no secrets to be ashamed of, no skeletons since i've gotten married, & that for me is a really big deal!... these days, i'd stack my moral fiber up to most anyone's. and such things as "moral fiber" are important to me, tho i've fallen short of my own ideals many, many times. i'm my harshest critic & don't enjoy living in hell on this earth. i've flubbed & fumbled plenty, but as i enter old age, it's slowing & i'm so grateful! anxiety, frustration & disappointment due to inability to control or foresee what will happen w/people, places, & things still plagues me, & i keep messing up due to selfish fear, but i can look in the mirror & know this human is getting better w/time... yes, in spite of it all, i have hope. i know my life ultimately is -- and at times, over the years has been -- on the road to happy destiny. my life is fortunate & purposeful, tho i will never have fame or status that ensures my name will live on past this life... that's ok. - this life is not a veil of tears; you & i weren't put here to suffer, tho, as you know, the buddhists say suffering is inevitable. they don't leave us hanging there, thank goodness: our human task is to overcome suffering thru right this & right that, therein achieving nirvana. so if we just behave ourselves, life will straighten out, right? :D - here's some positive stuff about me. i need to bolster myself! 1) i like most all people, tho like most, i've had mucho life trauma & drama. "fall down seven times, stand up eight." i believe in bravery, & tho sometimes i feel like a chicken, i know in my heart of hearts that ultimately i will do right. 2) i've been w/o alcohol or illicit drugs since july 4, 1995. 3) my eyes are hazel, but they sometimes are yellow or green. people have told me they are pretty. 4) i love playing the drums & experimenting w/ instruments. 5) my favorite music is what the alvin bros deemed "american music." 6) i love to exercise & run, tho i am not fast & never will be. 7) favorite books i try to carry w/me wherever i live are "meditations" (marcus aurelius), "earth poems from around the world," "folk remedies that work" & "archy & mehitabel" & "man in black." well, & the big book. 8) i've made mistakes being manipulative, needy, dishonest -- but since marrying, i've been a good wife & that has made me proud, to know i can be loyal. the next task is to get control over my words. 9) i have many acquaintances i like a lot as well as some dear friends. i have many loved ones. 10) i'm left-handed & only ambidextrous on the piano. i need to heal my injured right hand, but know that lots of practice will achieve that. 11) i've always known my own hobbies, interests, passions & been clear in what i like. that certitude pleases me; i'm no zelig! 12) i love to wander, travel, adventure around, especially to funky places where i don't spend much money. i've gotten to do a lot of it in my life so far. 13) tho i love people, i also love to be alone; in solitude, i regenerate. 14) we have the most lovely little ramshackle mountain house where we will live happily ever after in old age. 15) my favorite piano players are professor longhair, gene taylor, jimmy yancey, johnny johnson, piano red, & champion jack dupree. 16) i've written over 200 songs. 17) i'd like to be a voice actor; it's fun to imitate different voices to make people laugh or surprise or move them. 18) i keep my promises, tho i'm still a procrastinator. 19) i really love eccentric, smart, resourceful, creative ppl & am happy that not all brainy ppl are cold, selfish, sick, &/or downright damaged... tho many are, for some dismaying reason. 20) i'm especially glad for loved ones, for i'd be dead, were it not for my parents, donna, kristi, & my higher power! (gee, that last pt can ring hollow... but i must believe!! i must!!) 21) i'd be dead if i'd not stopped drinking; doc said i'd have wet brain by age 25. kept going til near-28, but i think my brain's just soggy. 21) used to have a photographic memory for numbers; not anymore! still, it's fun to reminisce about when i was really, really smart... 22) i can wear clothes i wore 20 yrs ago... but i won't cause i'm middle-aged & that'd be gross! 23) my favorite color is green. 24) my favorite magazines are runners' world & the new yorker. 25) my favorite dessert is frozen yogurt w/nuts & fruity pebbles. yum. 26) my favorite american cities are austin, memphis, new orleans & los angeles. 27) my favorite european cities are rome & paris. 28) racially, angie & i are juaneno/ajachemen "indian," mexican/south american, northern italian, & english & i think that's mostly quite cool. 29) i love nature & it's through nature, & that "something" that exists in meetings, that i feel the presence of god. 30) i had a journalism background, then chose the other then-low paying job: teaching. i was a teacher for 17 yrs. loved the kids, the union, our honorable family tradition of being dedicated educators (i'm the biggest slouch in the bunch). 31) i love dogs & animals in general, more & more the older i get. 32) in my 1st marriage, i had two lovable dogs whom i miss to this day so, so much. the house was beautiful & i was rich, but it was not right to stay married. 33) now i live in an apartment in north OC w/my 2nd husband & stepson. we cannot have pets, tho we have a visiting mouse that thinks it owns the kitchen. in the complex, 2/3 of our female neighbors also are named jenny & one of the dogs is named otis, which was james's dog of 17 years' name. these coincidences are cool! 34) in OC, i have become fond of the library; some of the wide-open streets, great gym classes, the wetlands, proximity to long beach, & kindly, brave, loving women in meetings. 35) i have 3.12 college degrees: BA, english; T.Ed; MA, Humanities, & (partial) Library Media Specialist credential. they ended our library jobs, so i dropped out of the program. today, i learn via reading & the website coursera.org 36) we live a long, long time in my family, which is good reason to do all i can these days to make sure my melon's chunked on straight! 37) i am quite strong, for a woman my age. 38) i still miss grandma mary, mr jackson, stacy, uncle henry & uncle danny, as well as many ppl still living, but i'm grateful to have known them at all. 39) one of my main heroes is saint damien of molokai. 40) i love caves, desert, prairie, wide open spaces, mountains. 41) i love listening to npr while i drive. 42) my parents have amazing minds & hearts & if i can ever be 1/5 the person they are, i will be shocked & amazed. 43) in my 1st band, i was the bass player. it got me playing music in public, so that was good. 44) people have assumed i was "goth" &/or into S&M, but i'm quite old-fashioned personally, really, & so's my husband, which is pt of why i love him so. 45) i was a terrible slob when a child/adolescent, but i'm very neat & tidy nowadays. 46) am 46 years old & looking fwd to 50. :)

"go, & never darken my towels again." - groucho

happy sunday! i read a great YAFIC book the other day; found it at the house while cleaning. my sister'd recommended it, i believe. can't stop thinking about the book! reminded me of when i was a teacher-librarian & we'd have our library meetings & these very well-read sort of intellectual women would comment that books written for young people are often superior to adult fiction: more vivid, direct storytelling, characterizations, adventure, moral lessons. the one i read's called "the house of the scorpion" by nancy farmer. i'm thinking when i volunteer at the library in OC each wk & i'm doing my sections, YAFIC & YAVL, i should be picking books out to read instead of just blasting thru the dewey decimals shelving & organizing at top-fuel nitro speed!... that ref reminds me of last night when james & i were driving to kern county & talking about evel knievel as well as a show we both used to love, "super dave." we laughed out loud recalling the mock-serious set-ups & stupid stunts on that show! that was in my heavy chemical-usage days, a generally despairing, negative time in my life, & that show was quite a happy highlight, i realized!... super dave actually was bob einstein, brother of albert einstein -- that is, albert brooks... when we return to the mountain house, i hope we'll finish watching "defending your life," an early-90s brooks comedy containing for me that appealing combo of world-weariness & hope/whimsy... that, of course, leads to my most-beloved exchange from "horse feathers" (1932): thelma todd: oh, professor, you're full of whimsy! groucho: can you tell from over there? i'm always that way after i eat radishes... if you didn't know this, my husband james, whiteboy james on stage, is a "crazy genius," my sister has declared, possessing naturally a brain on fire w/such verbal facility & word associations/gymnastics, i suddenly yesterday imagined him going toe-to-toe w/the great mister julius marx: what oral fireworks would ensue! what hilarity! what insanity! what fun! then i realized that groucho, known for his keen intellect, is another example of a learned & brilliant person w/no formal higher education (i'm constantly realizing things lately, i realize)... james talks often & fondly of his childhood friend mookie, whom he says was the king of "playing the dozens" (look that up, if you're interested), but mookie was killed long ago, in the riots, poor soul, so the closest i've seen to groucho-james, i think, was at thanksgiving when james & brother-in-law doug went on a wildly impromptu comedic tear: what merriment! what humor! what laughs we all had, just watching & listening to those two! dad, who's no mental slouch at all, commented, "watching those two, i felt like i should be wearing a dunce cap!" dad always has been known for his kindly humility; still, i know what he means... i was a gifted child/teen at one point, many millions of brain cells ago, & while i'm no dummy now, i do feel at times in awe of james's gift of gab & with words. i mean, wow! ok, heading out for a run now. to sum up, some words from groucho marx: - "i refuse to join any club that would have me for a member." - "outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. inside a dog, it's too dark to read." - "i find television very educating. every time somebody turns on the set, i go in the other room & read a book."

" suddenly you feel the great relief, accompanied by your compassionate witness..."

This blog entry is all messed up. I don't believe the universe is monkey wrenching with my blog; the problem is that I am trying to blog onto my little phone using a dictation app, and also that my little phone is approaching catastrophic failure. It will work fine, and then the next moment the screen will not respond, or it starts typing out random numbers when my ear is not even touching it. If I believed consistently in the supernatural, I suppose I could attribute it to that, but I think it's simply a case of cheap manufacturing and planned obsolescence in action. I wanted to post about a meditation CD I had forgotten about; I was in this get well soon kinda Happy Trails place about 3 years ago and every morning we'd go to yoga and meditation with this nice loving calm peaceful Irish lady who, yes, was an employee of the facility, but she really touched my heart because she seemed to truly care about all of us traumatized anxious balls of fear, sadness, stress, and general system malfunction. (Most of us had a lot of trouble staying put and remembering to breathe.) Anyways, as I was cleaning this evening, I found one of her CDs and put it in. What nice meditations. If you want to look her up, go to www.pashahogan.com. She often talked about treating oneself and others with "warmth and kindness," which is such a gentle and pretty sentiment, I leave you with it. Well, my finger and patience are tired from this cumbersome method of blogging, so goodbye for now and many blessings and learnings to you. "There are no mistakes -- only lessons." -Jani, my friend the sage

i am so disappointed.... whinewhinewhine blablablablablablablablabla

how disappointed?
i am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo disappointed. and dumbfounded. and confused. and offended. and nervous, whereas before i felt happy, even hopeful and content.
i also feel somewhat heartbroken. and angry, tho that's hard to admit.
this, too, shall pass.
the only constant is change.
tonight over dinner, aunty rita, on a different topic, summed it up (the topic had been someone who has been judgmental): "he oughta look in a mirror."
"let he who is without sin cast the first stone." that's sure true. and you're certainly casting a stone my way if you dug around for one to begin with. as my husband would say, "KNOW THAT."
so on to nice things: the house in the mountains is getting all cleaned up to make room for future permanent residence for two; i did hours of much-needed yardwork today (i love doing yardwork! the sun beamed down so beautifully! the air was so crisp, so fresh! somehow, the rosemary lives on!); skinny the cat showed up & was her old, friendly self, bumping & bustling about, more canine than feline, i think; i dropped belated, appreciated yuletide gifts to a happy friend bursting w/good news; i was greeted here at the family home & had that warm, christmas-carolish feeling i get sometimes when here, like there's never too much love or good cheer or warm-hearted generosity of spirit.. & now i'm swathed in borrowed bundlery (is that a word? who cares) in a loving household of which i'm lucky to be a part."you're a good egg," said brother-in-law doug (who'd certainly know cause he's one big ole good egg, for sure) over delicious mama-cooked-with-love dinner of enchiladas, chile relleno casserole, beans, rice, salad, "in a family of good eggs..."
yes, everyone in this family is welcomed to take part in the good eggery. better good than rotten. that just seems obvious, doesn't it?

i don't know what to write

i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write
here are some pix from james's old camera instead:

arghh!! yayy!!

yesterday we missed being part of this year's elvis show, but finally got to visit max at the hospital.  thank you, art fein, for inviting us to be part... maybe next year, we hope! how encouraging it was to see max spring from bed, severely gaunt, "a skeleton trying to jump out of a man," as he said, but eyes bright & spirits high. he knows about the gerson cure (www.gerson.org) & has friends already who are having him juice, & if soul can restore health, max will be restored... then we ate at our favorite long beach restaurant & as we strolled back to the car in the night, i snapped this pic for max  from a beautiful window display; he'd said next time we visited to bring him a flower, so why wait? we looked at baubles in the window, i oohed & ached (i'm not very girly, but i DO love glittery things; donna used to crow, "kaw! kaw!"), we came back here & i recorded 2.5 songs i've written, until it was too late in the eve to be able to continue... later in the eve, we watched "the office" & i became obsessed, as i do periodically, w/RL stevenson's "open letter to rev. dr. hyde" (http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/281) & read it out loud at such length, poor james was driven outside for a while, i think, then this morn brought james to long conversation w/his long-time sober lawyer uncle, the one who was friends w/elvis (he actually has several family members who were friends with the king) & has called me "his cousin bettie page" (yes, she's a family cousin) & i made breakfast burritos & there i go, blablablaing again... a quote from stevenson's novella: “quiet minds cannot be perplexed or frightened but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own private pace, like a clock during a thunderstorm. ”