allergy & addiction

woke this morning w/pain stabbing left ear/throat/eyeball region. the time has come: my allergies, the persistent little a**holes, have caught up to all the places i live, mountains, valley, & beach. crap! i mix a concoction of tea tree oil, meyer lemon, apple cider vinegar w/water & down it. yeccch! -- but i think it helps. (you know what they say about placebos.) i used to write on here a lot about my myriad ENT woes -- hope this blog doesn't again become that!
"the doctor's theory that we have an allergy to alcohol interests us" is a line from the chapter of the big book that changed my life -- not like seeing a burning bush or being struck by figurative (or literal!)  lightning, but i was changed w/a shiver of recognition, that uncanny feeling of "you've known this all along, dummy"... allergies, i have many, many, & stopping that one in its tracks has sure helped my life along quite a bit. heck, it's allowed my life to persist, endure, abide, period! yes, am sure i wouldn't have a life, had i remained slave to that deadly allergy to ethyl alcohol & its fellow toxic substances. w/in the sh*tbag of active addiction, i wasn't meeting any goal of numbing or appeasing the infernal coconut, anyways. at best, i got temporary relief, but then the stuff would wear off & there i was again. you know what they said in buckaroo banzai, by way of confucius: "wherever you go, there you are."
why am i writing again???? it's what i seem to love to do; seems to me i started writing & piano playing around the same time, so creative output via fingers is wired in me like that. also, yesterday we learned about the death of actor philip seymour hoffman & were sad. what an interesting actor, so unconcerned w/being lovable! seeming so conflicted in his person, & indeed, he was! james & i've watched "the master" repeatedly: such a strange, beautiful, sad, difficult movie! then i heard the actor'd been sober over 20 yrs & had gone back out & i almost hit the ground, like a blow to the chest! the woe & sadness & desperate need for instant relief he must've felt, the terrible aloneness, then the commonality of such despair, the why-does-dope-&-drink-exist-at-all torturing question: i had to contact a bunch of sober people i know, just to reassure & remind myself: we must never give up! many responded in kind, so i was restored to comfort in the company of my fellows. even cyber contact is enough; the world can be such a sad & lonely place; i cannot exist alone.
obsessed w/the "5" royales, i learned today that lowman pauling, the band's songwriter, rip-roaring, protean guitarist, & bass vocalist, also died of alcoholism. i know so little of lowman pauling except his genius music, the unbridled emotion that surged from his guitar & voice, his wise, truthful, astonishing lyrics & melodies. i spose my job is to take that info in, stave my own emotional reaction, & realize: that is not me today. so many of the wildly creative, those who "fly too close to the sun," perish prematurely: i can be sad about this, certainly i should mourn, but i must be a survivor, for the world needs me, as it needs you, even if i'm no wild creative, even if i will not change the world in any large way.... so i'm writing that here. if you're reading this, please don't court the devils of alcoholism or addiction of any kind, be it dope, food, gambling, self- or other-abuse, lower companions, perversions, etc...  don't listen to it: persist, abide, & thrive. if you're down, here's some stuff to look at, other possibilities. see you later. love, jenny
quotes from confucius  engaged buddhism stuff to learn