"after the storm, our love is gonna rise…"

james went visiting, so i decided to start laying down demos for my proposed CD. i have 14-15 songs in mind, mostly in order, so i did the first one, one he calls "old-timey," using the cajon drum box he got me for our anniversary. it produced a heartily satisfying thump! my snare's at the mountain home, so i just added sticks & high-hat, then piano part & "bass," which was fun to experiment with, finally vocals. james came back just as i finished, so he listened thru headphones, breaking into a strut, which tells me the tune moves. i'm so happy when recording; the hours fly by & i'm lost in musical & creative reverie. "let me know if i can help you," he said, but the thing is, i tend to write parts & arrange as i go… the other night we on-the-fly ended up debuting our duo for a pilot (in more than one way) audience. the group of about 10 men was quite happy, gracious & enthusiastic; james & i walked away with more cash than we would've with the whole band on a weeknight! i really liked how james sang "when i get like this," the 5 royales tune we both so love; he belted it out so beautifully!… maybe we'll do it again. i hope so. right now we have a poll going on facebook asking for requests for duo name. some responses, most being plays on "page," are quite funny!
meanwhile, i hope before the eve's over to do a quick demo for a tune i wrote yesterday… happy sunday & tomorrow, thank you to all you vets, foremost for me (wouldn't you know it) james.

Anthony Edwards (Miracle Mile) full movie 1988

"diamonds, you and me…"
http://www.youtube.com/v/BVqfu7K33aA?version=3&autohide=1&autohide=1&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=CFMEQCLCiWWtet8JkOS7Cg&showinfo=1&feature=share

pix & interview from whiteboy james's first european tour

we added three videos to james's youtube channel. you can see them here: whiteboy james's youtube channel
here, too, are a few collages from our recent trip to europe. tschüss!

crabby crabby crab crab

we're back after the longest plane trek!!! the 1st plane had a panoply of tv, movies, & games, but none of that can stop your butt from hurting after too much sitting! we got to the u.s. & sadly saw that american airport service is pretty poor compared to europe's -- we nearly missed our connection in dulles dc due to having to wait on bags for nearly an hr! overall, tho, this place didn't look too bad stacked next to the beauty of europe, tho here there are way, way too many cars & too much cheap processed food & too much stupid shopping, but you know, gotta take the good with the bad, so anyways...
this a.m. i woke with a headache, feeling positively weird in a not-pleasant way, but it's just jetlag, i know: no need to freak out.  james was in a good mood upon awakening, dancing around having a bop-it session (my gift to him for our anniversary; he got me a cajon drum box), then we went for a hamburger, really appreciating like we never have chuck berry's song "living in the u.s.a." when his burger was et, james proclaimed, "now i feel like an american again." we like the music at this particular burger joint (skyliners, dominos, lenny welch, platters) & nostalgic posters of hawaii & agree all the time that chuck berry is a genius & anyone who doesn't agree, i say, or says anything remotely like "oh, i can play all that chuck berry stuff," therein not referring to chuck berry with appropriate deference & respect, is a total bozo.
sorry about my crabbiness; i need a nap. he took off to go visiting & at some point we need to unpack our bags before they petrify and/or putrify, but for now it's time for me to get some rest, & i'm grateful to have time to get some. i was gonna conclude this post w/the tagline from "team america," but i'll leave it for you to recall on your own.
america.... .... ...

wilkommen aus deutschland!

james has been going over like gangbusters here. people say they've never seen anything like him. two encores each night! i've even gotten compliments when he calls me up to sing with him, the one i wrote after we first hung out. "you sure know how to do cute," blake laughed. "they just love you!" i don't "do"cute as much as, i think, have my family's friendly, polite, kinda weird temperament, which might come off cute. still, it was a nice compliment.
i feel fortunate to've gotten to go on the trip as james's personal assistant & bundini. i mean, i'm not part of the band; i just got to go, which is pretty cool! still, he's blown up madder as a hornet many times & sent me home about 100!! "oh no," smiled scott. "you're coming next time, too." james has smoothed out a lot over the course of the trip as it has proved to be so hugely successful. he wrote me a card thanking me for accompanying him, & i'm pretty happy about the possibility of another adventure. "things can only get better," as he wrote in a song not yet in his repertoire, "when you're with me." i can see these european tours will be lucrative for james; he's gonna be big over here real quick, if he just holds it together, & he says he will!  it's all up to james, as most of what happens, for those of us privileged to grow up without huge want or war or strife, is up to us each.
the group's made up of me, the band, & road manager willsie, who's also our tour guide & a historian of sorts! now & then i wish there were another female along to chat with, but oh well: i'm happy for the funny & big-hearted company; they're a good bunch of fellows, for sure. we're loading up to leave for switzerland right now, a halloween show at a showcase place near the swiss alps. then tomorrow morn buttcrack early it's back to the states, where, tho europe has so many advantages by comparison, we can't wait to be again!
shows have been at the friendly café de weegbrug in netherlands, where we climbed 3 flights of tiny, narrow staircase after the show to our little beds. "is this where anne frank stayed?" joked max bangwell, to the matronly owner's puzzlement. they fed us like kings & queen & standing at the cozy bar, we enjoyed cup after cup of heavy, fragrant european coffee w/sugar & crème. in the morn, we got delicious fresh eggs fried on a square of bacon atop white bread. yum!
next was dark, long bar blue devils, beside an abandoned military barracks in a small alley through the windy cobblestoned streets of arras, france; the proprietor, herve, a large tough-looking fellow, embraced james heartily & repeatedly, so much did he love the show, feeding us beforehand from big bowls of french fries, french bread, & a thick, wine-flavored stew ("a meal fit for digging ditches all day," i said). after that was a grueling 12 hr slog to altdorf, south germany; we rolled out the van with tired james swearing a blue streak cause it had been one long-a** day, but the clean, well-lit, 50s-themed club hosted the most wonderfully happy show, with the band banging it out to cheering, dancing crowd & large honeymoon-suiteish room awaiting us that night & next morn, sumptuous german breakfast spread of cheeses, glass jars filled with fresh jams, hard bread, fresh yogurts, & thin, thin sliced black forest ham in beautiful airy breakfast room, its whitewashed walls typically bavarian, that is, painted with german greetings & bucolic scenes.
the last show, in the black forest, required another endurance drive, albeit willsie took us the scenic route on country roads bordering austria, then france to view the bodensee & verdant vineyards & fields & dark trees & thick forest resembling both grimms' tales as well as the black hills of the u.s.a. i missed the show cause i got sick, but it was the most popular of all, with standing-room only & loud, friendly late-night partying for the band. i laid there on the bed flashing in & out of consciousness, worrying, "they must be tired - they messed up that song!" then realizing, no, they're just fine: YOU ARE SICK! next, "oh crap, i love that song; i'm missing it!" so it was an outstanding time for the band, not so great for me, but oh well. next morning i was greeted just like part of the family with another great breakfast that featured a "real german egg," prepared by the kitchen, soft-boiled, egg so fresh, the yolk stood dark & plump before being plucked by spoon.
that day willsie took us to both a castle & treiburg, "the biggest tourist town in bavaria," he explained, where we bought an inexpensive cuckoo clock to celebrate our recent 1st anniversary as well as other knick-knacks & then had pizza from an italian-run joint & i liked my margarita pie, wood-oven baked, quite well. at night we rolled into willsie's 4000sf house, spacious, w/gleaming ornate floors & walls bearing paintings of hawaii, from whence the family migrated, & in morning woke to beautiful view out his back picture windows, view of forest & trees, much greener than at our mountain home, & he says there's a hawk's nest up there someplace. i went out in the cold & watched a black bird with orange beak & white crest hopping in the bushes, pecking for a morsel. willsie took us all for a few hrs of touristing in stuttgart & james & i went solo, having a grand time exploring the schlossplatz, which willsie explained was most infamous for photos of hitler & his army parading upon. the swastika that once topped the train station has been replaced by a mercedes symbol, the schlossplatz now a one-mile pedestrian shopping mall. james happily ate his way thru the train station, then up & down the schlossplatz as we looked in stores & at people & statues & museums, tho we didn't go in the last. what a fun time. :)
this morning, i decided to go for a jog & got spectacularly lost amidst the corn- & other fields. it was a cold, cold morning & it felt great to finally run again, but i got more than i bargained for & ended up shin-deep in frozen grass for quite some time, my path even obscured at one point by a giant seeming-dung pile! finally i got directions from a nice young woman who pointed me to the "street where the americans live." i was so grateful to get back here!!! now we're off to pick up max, & then it's the last show, & ain't life grand? :D :D
 pictures will come soon, once we're back to california. be well, & hope you've enjoyed reading this little report. auf wiedersehen!

ruh-roe, blabla, whiteboy!

... a bag i need for carry-on for tomorrow's plane is at the mountain house. ruh-roe. it'll be ok.. i just gotta improvise, gotta get back being to the organized flake i was before, 'stead of the just plain flake i've slid into being... i know how to be organized. SUPER-organized! i know i'm still organized to some degree, having two households & such with neither yet having fallen into the san andreas fault/ocean, but being in a new family (1 yr now!) requires compromise all around. i've compromised by letting things go here & there, which is hard for a borderline-ocd like me! -- it's more realistic, tho, to choose one's battles. towels on the ground, trash missing the trashcan, don't flip out, jenny. pick it up or let it be. arggghh!! ... aaaah...
as we drove back from the mister toad's wild ride saturday events, i was recalling how some years, my super-organized anal personality produced a class of organized, happy, whip-smart, super-quick, on-the-ball little rascals. some years, tho, my demands for perfection (at least in the eyes of the child, or in the eyes of some parents) just brought loggerheads & frustration...
oh well. i no longer teach. in fact, i do very little, it feels like, compared to my old life. a few years of it was ok, but i'm kinda getting sick of being semi-retired... am hopeful when we return from europe, i'll  get on some of the back burner projects. who knows: after europe, things might blow up real big for james in a very positive way! he might get too slammed-busy to do anything except be whiteboy james & ride that wave as long as it's cresting! for me, i like being the support cast. yes, if our lives were a movie, james'd be the star & i'd be a character actor in the background... i've always preferred being the background, even being a sometimes band leader. i like twisting knobs & shoveling coal in the engine. that's probably a delusion of control, too, a great & powerful oz kinda i'm-in-control illusion, but it suits me better to be part of the engine, not the train itself.
being married to the train, well, at times it means step back & admire its force & beauty; at times it  means stand back!!, & at times it means hit the switch so we don't have a derailment!!
back to me, at very least, when we get back, i'm gonna start making decent recordings of the many, many songs i've written. where to go next? if not a helping profession like teaching or library or some such, songwriting, maybe. maybe publishing, tho now that i wrote that, i realize i don't want to publish: i just want to write. except layout, i dislike every other element required to produce a publication!! ... maybe voice acting. boy, would that be swell! maybe visual art, cartooning, say... now how to combine all that? that would be the cake, all right!
saturday was a sometimes miserable, sometimes lovely, seemingly-unending series of drives, 1st to guadalupe, where i, then james took the stage for the salad bowl fest in that pretty little seaside town. then more driving on more windy pretty road to taft for a birthday party for a very appreciative lady who turned 60! then more driving, more driving to the mountain home & finally, ahhh: waking up to the sight of the mountain & blessed quiet. we finally got back here & had our 1st anniversary yesterday & james finally got the bop-it toy he's been wanting for years. it's an annoying but funny gadget, like simon for hyperactives. he said with a big grin he's bringing it on the plane. nooooo!!! -- however, it would be funny if he pulled that contraption out on the plane... i hope, meanwhile, to rest on the plane as well as finish the book mama lent me, "the singular pilgrim" by rosemary mahoney, which tells of the religiously-skeptical author's six pilgrimages to sites such as lourdes, varanasi, & the holy land... it's extremely thoughtful & well-written & i recommend it highly... in europe this next week, hope we get to take a day trip to some roman ruins near the swiss-german border & see as many other sites as possible in our short time & that we sell lots of halloween CDs (we ran out of t-shirts, dang it!!) & that james KICKS BUTT!!!! here's a promo i made for him. hope you enjoy it. now back to packing... 

James & Jenny Page at Kid Ramos Benefit at Harvelle's Long Beach

 hey! look at this cool video the gals from seahorse music promotions made last night! the pix also are from them... thank you so much! this was the 3rd kid ramos benefit show, & the crowd turned out in healthy numbers in support. ... my husband looks terrific throughout, but then, he's a "future movie star," so i'd expect none less. :)
     last night's show was different than i'd anticipated! that's what happens, tho, when one has expectations. it was my first time playing with max bangwell in many, many moons & i did my little set, glancing side stage during "the big g" to see a familiar rabbity grin: phil alvin standing there in greeting!... my set culminated w/james coming up to sing w/me, our good luck song, so to speak, which you see on this video. :)  on break, i spoke a little with mr alvin, who wore awesome black alligator-looking boats he declared "still dusty from kernville." i must admit, i felt a bit noiiiiviss talking with phil by my lonesome; i'd hoped we'd all chat, him james & i, like in kernville. he grinned & told me, "you know, yer a purty good piano player," & my brain flew out of my head & i started stammering ridiculous things, blubbering & sputtering all over myself like a dumb bell... "baby, you gotta get over being so hard on yourself," said james later. "in this scene, you run into the same people over & over. and you're unusual: you're a REALLY NICE person. so of course people will wanna talk to you." i thanked james for the pep talk & also for placing me in the position to get musical praise from phil alvin, my musical hero for 30 yrs (read all about our relationship with phil in below post, if you wanna)... "don't thank me," he said. "you're GOOD. that's why he said that. he doesn't just throw out compliments. i remember the first time he complimented ME!"
blake watson was there & switched off with scott lambert so that james could come up next with full blues express & wallop the crap out of everybody. at one point, he started reciting from memory "dance of the freaks," the gasp-inducingly filthy & funny last track on our halloween cd. phil strolled out from backstage & surveyed the scene: "aah, the old toast," he commented wryly. at conclusion, either babalu or scott lambert called out at james, "pervert!" but "no, no," i said. "no pervert. more like a foul-mouthed choir boy." it's true: james is rough & tough & not someone to mess with, most definitely, & his act has been at times quite, quite prurient, giving people a false notion of his interactions with women (or as he'd say now, "woman"). he is healthy in love, true-blue, loyal, committed... what a refreshing & happy thing!! we agree we are rather eccentric, even strange people, but "weirdos," we've known many, but no, we  are not!
i was outside smoking when james came out & said, "baby, he just dedicated 'border radio' to you!" arrrrgghhhh!! aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!! more proof i shouldn't smoke!!!, i thought, running back inside... "he said from the stage, 'this goes out to jenny page, whiteboy james's wife. cute couple,'" james chuckled. wow! thought i, watching phil sing "border radio" in strong, clear, nimble voice. wow! phil & matt samia led that set, phil pulling out songs like "i'll be glad when you're dead, you rascal, you," "the big f chord," a joe turner medley, & a haunting, almost norteno-flavored "t for texas." "that was rugged," declared phil afterward, smiling, always a professional, said james, but the large crowd was happy & cheering & phil's singing & vernacular guitar-playing, well, james & i had stars in our eyes, jumping around & dancing at the soundboard, having a blast... we got home & ate tacos & marveled about how our lives are turning as we approach one year of marriage. then it was luck luck luck luck luck!!
today i volunteered at library & got dollar store stuff like sardines & peanut butter & aspirin for our trip & i've been making a james radio promo to send to european stations & later i run, but for now, i clipped a bit of "big blues train," then wrote a little script & had james voice over it, & it sounds so frigging invitingly cool!!! his time is coming; he's just gotta hold it together, & we know he will. he's been waiting, he says, his whole life for "this," & he's just too, too talented for his star to warm only this small area. he's gonna show what he's got to the world; however that plays out, i know he'll shine bright & wide...

one last pic from the seahorse gals, from last week. jane intveldt, who saw me perform for the first time that night, was really enthusiastic about what i do on stage! it's increasingly wonderful to see these women week after week, digging the show. when i was in bakersfield, that was one of my most favorite things, having women listeners & even fans. i had such a hard time for so many yrs with friendships with women. i know now it's cause i couldn't look at or like myself, so how could i like them? tho no glowing picture of self-confidence these days, i can say i like many, many people & definitely value female friends & acquaintances... some might say "keep your friends close & your enemies closer," but i say focus your attention on what is worthwhile: life is short; have fun, be useful, be grateful, & cherish your loved ones.

TONIGHT! WED OCT 19 2013

... me, jenny page with "the dusk devils express," then the great whiteboy james & the blues express, then the great phil alvin with whiteboy james & the blues express! ... all to help pay medical expenses for kid ramos, who is ill with cancer, all at harvelle's, downtown long beach, 9 pm-12 midnight... we are gonna put on a swell show for a worthwhile purpose. (poster is below under oct 2...)
having a lot of fun making videos with iMovie... the latest is called "god talks to james at 4 a.m." it's on the whiteboy james youtube channel. we improvised an enjoyable skit & i greatly enjoy doing that as well as experimenting with voices. i do hope that someday the voice acting thing comes together... guess i need to get my act together & actually send in audition audios. kinda like playing the lottery: can't win if you don't buy a ticket. godfrey daniels!

JEKYLL AND HYDE - Whiteboy James

jekyll & hyde

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=219808891514001&l=1917698142363797848

remembering to back it up slow

all is well. autumn has fallen upon the san joaquin valley, where we visit for the moment; it's the nicest time of yr around here. yesterday night on the mountain was freezing clean & cold; this morning brought beautiful peaceful blue skies & lovely mountain & quiet calm. mama & i just took cookies & banana bread over to aunty rita & aunty dodie. aunty rita fell & broke her foot & couldn't be at today's birthday party for sister angie. we heard some funny stories, many about when my aunts were young & drunk & loose, like about when aunty dodie got drunk one night & took off with a guy on a motorcycle & when they got to the stop sign, the guy's teeth flew out & he had to pull over to go get his teeth. aunty rita talked about dear departed "uncle" danny, james's smoking buddy. she said it took time for him to "get over his ways," like  "learning to come home after work 'stead of staying out all night at the bar & visiting his friends. after a while, he told me, 'do-rita, i want to be home with you,' & that was that, he just started coming home." ...  we got back here & james was sleeping soundly & dad was fixing the outside pool toilet, which overflowed today at sister angie's party: "too many butts," pronounced dad. my cousin mary frances & her brood are a good, solid, admirably happy & well-adjusted bunch; my sister is a good, kind, talented, capable person married to a loving, friendly barrelchested preacher. he & james get along splendidly because both wear their gigantic hearts on their sleeves... we miss them all, but i know eventually we'll have more time together, if we're meant to (what the heck did that mean?? oh well...)
at the party, i played piano rather laxly, in my tired state, & opened my eyes to see that a family friend of chubby, youthful countenance had pulled up a chair near the piano & was listening along, bobbing his head, his eyes closed peacefully... then 90-yr old don, who had been taking video of people at the party w/his new camera, shot me singing a wanda jackson song. he snapped off the camera with a grin & announced, "well everybody, look for this footage to be appearing soon on youtube!"
... last night we attended a nighttime football game on the frazier mountain w/friendly young family of james's; there & today, i've much-enjoyed watching & observing kids of various ages, from 3 to 16 & up (some of the "kids" are as old as 22... still kids, tho). kids are relatively unconvoluted, fresh, funny, interesting, ever-evolving, filled with promise,  "not done yet," as mama has said, comparing young ones appropriately to baking bread. heck, with people of any age, positive development & growth require a big dose of patience & temperance toward ever-changing others & self. ... ... ... ... ... !!! .... in fact, think i wrote a whole thesis kinda on that idea about 5 yrs ago! yes, duh, i'm reminded a person "needs some space to back up a little bit at a time," said aunt rita. a person "can't just put it in reverse all of a sudden just like that."
... i texted the young man just now, to check in with him on behalf of his father & me, & received his reply, characteristically terse & polite: "all is well." since that's where i started, be it synchronicity or accident, i take it as my cue to end this transmission.

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh

man, i do NOT feel well... so here is another pic of us dancing & having fun side stage while watching blasters at fest recently. james had saved it on the computer here, so i guess he liked it. we danced some last night, too, but i was woozy & wobbly, so we sat down so i could leave the real dancing to ppl who know how to do it, like the friendly blues-promoters female quartet that showed up & shouted praise & promised to bring the crowds to harvelle's from now on... very cool! ... next wk's special guest is phil alvin. phil alvin! james's & my hero since we were teens! difference is, growing up, i didn't believe phil or anyone who was from remotely to hugely famous was "real" -- i worshipped from afar & jokingly referred to him (and about 50 other celebrity men of attractive visage, including james) as my "future ex-husband" (also in the group were ralph meeker, boris karloff, gerard depardieu, johnny weismuller...).  i really, really liked him (he was cool! he was really smokin' confident & attractive!)... but didn't think he was real. he set in my mind a certain physical ideal, tho, i now realize (james calls some of them "big monster guys"), & i got the right one: james the lionhearted. james the wild brain. james the stop sign. james the talented. james the "future movie star." yes, i know how lucky i am... i am regularly told so... a lotta times by guys! (ah, alcohol...) anyways...
on the other hand, james at 15 (hey! remember that show? you don't, 'less you're middle-aged. back then, i thought "james," played by lance kerwin, was quite soulful & cute, but he wasn't "real" either, far as i was concerned), james who's had his head in the ether but feet firmly planted, heard really cool music playing while at baseball practice, left practice, jumped a fence, snuck in an auditorium, & found himself watching the blasters from side stage. or something like that. the man has more stories than a whole compendium... the movie of his life will reveal some... what an amazing one he's already had, with so much more to come! anyways, he told me that when the blasters went on break, he went up & introduced himself; phil alvin gave him some sh*t, but took him under his wing & that led way to james being apprenticed by many famous roots musicians on the LA scene in the '80s, he & phil becoming fast & close friends... anyways,  now we get to do a show with him. james, of course, has done many shows w/phil, & i sorta did if you count the elvis shows i used to do, on which blasters often headlined. but this'll be the 1st time we together've played on the stage w/phil.... that elvis show in 2010, that's where i first met james in the flesh, so there's that connection, too. he tells the story much funnier & sweeter than i do, so i won't... besides, that's far beyond enough blablablaing for now...
going to lie down now.
blaaaaaaaaaaaaah...

"if you ain't right, you're goin' down there..."

... that's a hint to one of the songs on the halloween CD we're putting out tomorrow!... it features two songs i wrote, seven tracks total, from fun & spooky to fun & filthy! "the bride of frankenstein" is the one that initially drew the attention of whiteboy james (now my husband james) to me! he says he was surfing the internet late one night about 3 years ago & my weird DIY video caught his eye & he thought, "i have to meet this person!!" we both love universal monsters, especially karloff's monster, tho james also loves lugosi, who was a junkie & somewhat misunderstood... some of the weirdest cuts on this CD actually are the ones i do, like the obscure rockabilly-swing tune alluded to above (tho no theremin on this version)... of course, james adds plenty of his own weirdness. i wish my voice recorded as smoothly & fully as does james's, but of course, james has one of the very best voices that exist, so i'm setting my sights pretty high! i know i have a good-enough voice, certainly interesting-enough, & i'm happy with what i have developed over the yrs... the other original on the CD, i wrote it two weeks ago for james -- it's called "jekyll and hyde," a roy brown-style jump tune that features a mouth solo, like red mackenzie kinda, but i didn't use a comb... james has played me red mackenzie, who would fire his sidemen, then play their parts himself on comb, which sounds kinda jerky, but maybe his sidemen were the jerks - who knows?... crap! i just looked red mackenzie up & he's yet another musician who died from the bottle! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_McKenzie
- anyways, i think "jekyll and hyde" could be a hit! at least a modest hit in this american music genre we inhabit... something, anyways! yes, i'm better at song-writing than other artsy skills i enjoy, i think, & i figure eventually i'm gonna settle into songwriting & being a sideman, which i'm very happy about... so now i've got 6/7ths of the CD mastered after countless hrs of trying this & that (this was my maiden voyage on garageband; i'm pretty excited about it now, after all the initial tribulations & frustrations!)... just waiting for james to get home & record vocals for J&H, then the CD'll be ready to go!
- please email me or james if you are interested in getting a copy, "sure to be an underground sensation," said one of our friends. which is part of the reason she's our friend, you know. :)

eat your greens...

we are playing this festival in a few wks before getting on the plane to europe. (wow!!!!) i was contacted by randy, a really nice fellow. my band the dusk devils played a few events for him out in the desert, where he then lived; at one, it was so hot, in the green room some ppl were betting on whether the elvis impersonator onstage at the moment would, decked out in black elvisy leathers, succumb to heat stroke or heart attack. (he didn't, fortunately...) we went on & the stringed instruments couldn't stay in tune, as happened to scott abeyta at the kern rock n blues fest last weekend...  at another show promoted by randy, all i remember is i wore my green blingy skirt (it's at the mtn home right now, along w/most of my nicer show clothes) & was treated like a million bucks. folks at those shows were so  hospitable & friendly; i'm looking fwd to this one! only been to guadalupe 1x, in my former life: it looked small, humble, amiable, with quite-pleasant climate...
last night was the 1st show/"benefit" for kid ramos. i stomped out the funnest set yet cause i needed to get done to make way for headliners james & billy watson... the crowd was great! it was the most cheering & whooping i've gotten at harvelle's; "they love you, baby!" james said, & i did feel it & wow, how lucky am i?... billy watson is the most polite & light-hearted & genuinely humble person you could meet of such talent. he & james could be fast friends, & i hope they will do so... we oohed & yelled & aahed at the beautiful, subtle, skilled & melodious ways he played harmonica & laughed with wonder at his winning voice & lithe soulful gentlemanly performance. prior to billy hitting the stage, james went out & stormed it like a wolverine. he was funny & ferocious. billy came on & said, "hey! i just love whiteboy james! and aren't you glad he's on OUR SIDE?" james & i sat side stage & he looked at me & said, "see? he gets it." ... well, back to tracking halloween songs... we are nearing getting done -- it's gonna be a fun, fun little disc, i think! :D

extra-special whiteboy james & the blues express shows!

super big huge gigantic immense enormous fun

billy folsom took these photos of us sidestage at the rock n blues fest saturday night, dancing & watching the blasters. we agreed it's the most fun we've ever had being out & about with a significant other... we can anticipate many more moons of such fun, along w/the speedbumps & average days that make up Life... :) i photoshopped out my monkey ear on the mid photo because... this is my blablablog & why the heck not?

i went to a mtg & james went to watch boxing at stevie's & now we're hanging out blablablabbing & writing/editing & recording music & enjoying the eve. soon will be sleepy time. tomorrow is another day, fiddle-dee-dee. remember to read the stoics or something spiritual that will lift your heart & that this week on bill moyers will be writer wendell berry. my folks had me watch bill moyers when we were in bako the other eve & i realized wendell berry sounds much like one of james's kentucky uncles... this past wkend, lisa cee told me that she loves my accent. i asked james & he said, "yes, you do have an accent. it's hard to put my finger on..." i've long-heard this, the mysterious accent comment, or remarks about my vocal pipes... anyways,  there i go again on a tangent, so think i'll stop because ultimately no se importa! have a nice one & remember again to read something challenging & rewarding to your soul or brain or best, both...

kern river rock n blues fest weekend

after andretti-ing our way thru the windy kern cyn (at night! argh!), we rolled into kernville w/in 15 mins of downbeat. james jumped out, donned his trenchcoat, & swam into the fray to start his show. i beat it on up the hill to mcnally's, where we'd been put up to stay... mcnally's was a long drive, & i was tired after much driving. i found the proprietor & got our room, dressed in my WBJ t-shirt, & headed back to the club where i got to watch james & band, reunited w/the outstanding max bangwell on drums! it was a super-fun gig w/happy enthusiastic crowd. next morn i found james down by the kern river w/a stick in the water, smiling like a 10-yr old. "i almost caught a fish," he whispered. "but i forgot my bait, so i used a piece of candy!" the fish didn't bite, but james looked to have been enjoying himself for a while, fishing peacefully... that day we hung out at the room & watched an old doris day flick on the portable dvd player & ate some food, then dressed & headed down to kernville... the sun was beating the stage to death when james & blues express hit it. my hubby put on a rock-solid, 1000% percent performance, dressed to the nines in tuxedo jacket & skull tie from sister sherri. his damned bridge flew out on 1st song & he just kept going - what a pro! these mishaps happen here & there & he plows through! i didn't see it happen cause i was selling t-shirts, but at end of song, he knelt down & asked some of the older folks up front, "anyone got any polygrip?" then ran backstage while max played one, fixed his teeth, & jumped back up there & kept going. the audience, of course, loved him!... when james stepped down, lisa cee, now of NOLA, went up w/her professional soul set, then the blasters came up & slammed out a rocknrolling kickass headliner set!! i got nice pix of james & phil as well as me w/my "fellow alumnus" keith wyatt, but they are stuck in cyberlimbo for now... this reminds me harvelle's wednesday night shows starting this upcoming wk will be fundraisers for kid ramos' medical expenses -- first wk's special guest will be BILLY WATSON! after that, pink arguello, & after that phil alvin! these will be especially terrific whiteboy james shows, w/such added star power & musical prowess... james & i danced & danced sidestage while the blasters played; he is super-fun, as you'd imagine, to dance with! we stuck around to "soak up the evening," then were back up the mountain to the room for a while... sunday morn i went for a long hike, scared off the 1st & 2nd paths by the remoteness of the 1st & giant animal crashing thru the bushes of the 2nd. the terrific views of golden flowers, verdant mountainsides, azure sky & crashing river put me in a grateful mindframe & i was able to be calmed & become again grounded in What Is Real... en route back, i crawled under a tree beside the rushing river, sat on some cool rocks, & meditated for a bit, nearly lulled to sleep, but caught myself before somnolence succumbed to slumber. when i got back, a jam session was going, so i took a long shower & dragged my butt out to it. i was gonna play for my friend tammy, but she had to head back, so i just sat there, kinda grateful to get to do only that. james was worn-out exhausted by this time in the wkend, but he got up there & kicked butt again, playing some of his rarer tunes in ragged raw full-voice w/his always-storming energy... we headed back toward bakersfield, landing at mom & dad's warm & friendly dinner table & then tumbled into the soft clean bed... time to head back now; may you be wise & well, or at least one, if not both.

yay!!!!!!

today i got on a roll & did super-funky start of home recording... garageband has all this automated this & that, looped musical parts, but very little like what james and i play. so i'm taking the down & dirty approach. i used his laptop pad & a kick drum pedal & hair brush to record scratch kick drum, then figured out song changes using youtube, then recorded scratch keyboard parts after adding some scratch vocals where i needed to for placement... so when we get back from running errands, we can start having james lay down some vocals, first getting an optimum vocal level (i didn't worry about that since my vocals were scratch)... i love home recording!!!! we are gonna make this halloween little record! yay!~

"don't you think i'm psycho, mama? ... well, you better lock me up..."

this week we work on a halloween cd... seven songs, i think, beginning with fun & spooky, ending with fun & filthy!  we need to put a "parental advisory" on it for the last cut, an old toast which james has committed to memory & will recite. we will both have the fun of garagebanding the musical parts, then adding in vocals & some piano/harmonica/acoustic guitar as needed. then the real fun: adding the foleys!!!... i already made the cover & it's taking a lot for me not to post it here. i've tended in past to put out projects on the quick, seat of the pants style. but i'm waiting... james says to wait, so i will... it'll likely come out better that way, anyways. meantime, here's a cool graphic tommy middaugh sent us, to get all in the halloween spirit... so what are you up to for halloween, btw? boooooooooooooooo!

blablablablabla etc.

last night we left harvelle's kinda early cause it was a slow night, but when our heads hit the pillows, i couldn't sleep! too excited about the great day we'd had, the swell interview we got to do with pat graham on his blues highway radio show; how mom and dad got to watch/listen to it online live; how proud i felt to be there with james, his voice sonorous in the studio, the friendly callers jockeying to talk w/him just to tell him how much they love him & his music; pat's compliments to james & to me/us about his standing as "the best band leader in southern california" & how we "wear [our] hearts on [our] sleeves" & that people "love to see that kind of love;" how nice pat graham was & how he played "big blues train," james's composition that i love so much; our friendly restaurant meals of nachos for lunch & pizza for dinner; my neighborhood run, & even on a full stomach of nachos, i felt strong, rebuilding my endurance!; a lot of good reading i got to do yesterday (& this morning!); seeing smiling scott lambert at harvelle's & being blessed w/wonderful words from people who were there that night to watch the show... one of james's friends, a burly older man who didn't look prone to such warm statements -- but then, what do i know? -- said, his eyes shining, "you are amazing! you and james are a match made in heaven..." i can only say "thank you" for this lovely day...

on the radio, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, on the radio...

i can't help it. i really like donna summers' voice. might be because i was a lonely kid in the 70s. her haunting voice just moves me, & i spose did back then, too, in an engramming kinda way (haha! i speak scientology! btw, have you seen "the master"? great film, now one of our faves...). anyways, we have some embarrassing emotional musical loves, both of us, just from memories & life experiences. i thought the most embarrassing musical love of my youth was the beegees, whom my cousin & sister & i just adored cause we were "that age" when the shriekingly overly-polished brothers gibb were popular... then james proceeded to sing all kinds of beegees songs from memory, knowing even more lyrics than i could remember cause he's got a memory for words like that... he made me feel not so embarrassed. :) then i told him about my donny osmond phase, when i was a girl, & he told me he'd taken his sister to a DO concert... so this is the kind of redemption one gets when w/a life partner of compatible chronology!
i mention the radio cause james is gonna be on this eve, wednesday, 6:45-7:30 or so, before our show at harvelle's! here are links: Visit our website www.klbc.org Follow us www.twitter.com/klbcradio and Watch LIVE BROADCASTS http://www.ustream.tv/user/KLBCLB
i am especially happy cause we'll be on a ".org"... ... today we went & had nachos & i'd already had a bagel, so i'm sitting here typing away trying to digest so i can go for a run before we pack up for radio- & music-land... today scott abeyta told me more about europe, places we'll go, more details, & i am really starting to feel excited: really, what is there to be blue for at this moment? what a life. for shows james & blues express have so far, check his website calendar at www.whiteboyjames.com ... he told me, "you're gonna be part of the show, too, baby," which is thrilling to think about, but that'll be lagniappe, should it happen. between now & then, i'm gonna get the hustle on to get us out a halloween CD to sell between now & then. we both love, love, love halloween. i've got track listings in mind & just am waiting for a mike so i can start laying down piano & vocal tracks, then give it to james to sing on before mixing it down, then packaging & pressing it... lots of good music news, in other words! jolly good to you, & here's to another day...

oh, i wish i was an oscar meyer weiner, that is what i'd truly like to be, for if i were an oscar meyer weiner, everyone would be in love with me...

that was a test. if you knew that song, you are of A Certain Age. it taught all us kids at that time use of the subjunctive, even if we didn't know that's what it was called (& who needs to know nowadays, anyways? except that the subjunctive is the coolest of all tenses, i think!: the "what if?")... i was dreaming about being in a car with my family & james & a big, big wave was crashing over the car as we kept driving, probably related to beautiful surfing videos we watched in eatery yesterday when our conversation went frm hawaii to hell. then he & i were driving right to the edge of a deep, deep canyon & i was saying, "look, honey, look!" & we both were scared & vertiginous (i just wanna use that word!!), but we were gonna go down in that deep, deep canyon to see what we could see! then i was following exene into a bookstore... i didn't talk to her, but she was talking about honky-tonk music & then there i sat at a piano, playing some moon mullican... obviously i'm no lucid dreamer cause i only ever get snippets like i just wrote down, but the next thought is this: how DID a weenie like me marry such a tough man? that man is tough as nails, w/a mouth that'd make a sailor cry & the sometimes ferocious pugnacity of a fighter (which he was). but he's also sweet as a puppy. sincerely! i relate cause i'm either gidget/mary poppins or a blubbering lump of want-to-die. the moods shift like earthquakes, like tsunamis! yesterday, i just LOST IT! i was all alone, so i could really let it rip, let those demons fly! but from that particularly violent mental crash came sweet release & calm & then we had an afternoon & eve of total love & adventure... we headed out for a benefit/tribute up north, but had mechanical failure & our plans were dashed. we were disappointed, but mama said, you can only do what you can do, & you can't do everything... yes, i feel different today. do you ever need to really lose it to gain it back even stronger? a weenie's gotta get cooked & burst some before it's really good eating. i know that metaphor makes little sense, but james is real good at them, & i'm working on it by osmosis. ok, now that i'm ready to serve, time to go for a run. yes, this weenie likes to run. good day or eve, sir or ma'am.

whee!

woke too early after too little rest so my hubby & i could play music for several hrs... he'd been up all night like he does, the man w/the energy of a troop, but it was a happy night for him, he said, listening to music & reading the good news... we played & played & actually developed some strong harmony parts! then i spent several hrs on his gigs & t-shirt orders & networking & europe gigs/fishing for more... at bottom of this post are some links. "i've been waiting for this my whole life!" he smiled. "thank you, baby!" am grateful to feel appreciated, tho his upcoming tour's sure not solely my doing, & no amount of networking would work if james & his music weren't so strong. i believe in james's talent & charisma, as would anyone w/half a mind & heart: he's a white-hot flame of american music & he's gonna set europe on fire w/excitement...
1. (we're 3rd down): guadalupe salad bowl festival;
2. (i like how this site lists our free weekly show at harvelle's...) some of wbj's shows in europe
3. (this'll be a halloween to remember!) baden, switzerland's nordportal

the black dog don't bite me, but he sure likes to sneak up in my lap & try to suffocate me...

sometimes nothing lifts the blues except music. the tough part is, when one's really down low, it's hard to even hear songs in the brain, let alone move the limbs & mouth to make the music happen. i don't know how humans with life-baggage (all of us?) live into ripe old age w/o cleaning out that luggage, throwing out the old stuff that no longer fits or is useful, exposing what's kept to some fresh air or a good warshing... today some sad memories hit me hard & i couldn't avoid or shake them: they hit me like a huge gust of evil wind or a wallop & knocked me flat. james tried to air me out, & we did pick up our kick drum pedal & look at craft store stuff, but i remained knocked flat. it's that underwater, in a  fog, floating & sinking, suffocating, can't hardly stand up can't hold a clear thought thing... back here, fortunately, i was able to get to the piano finally & shake out some songs &

... feel life draining, seeping, slipping back in... again... here's to a new dawn, a new day, the passing of yet another storm, or at least i can see beyond the black on the horiz to when it will pass... here are pix from lately, our beautiful visit w/beautiful family & beautiful mountain town & beautiful retreat place i visited & other life stuff, ah, life life life, while we have it, here's to lapping it up like melted chocolate ice cream or a well-needed quaff of cool cool water.

so happy!

today's spirits have been aided by 1) exercise at gym i visited for the first time: i love going to the gym! 2) checking in w/woman friends; 3) husband got new dental work! 4) his medicine was affordable! 5) we ate delicious croissants before his surgery; 6) last night i wrote two songs, & they're good ones! 7) today i'll go to a meeting;  8) i read from one of my favorite books, earth prayers from around the world, in the dentist's office! the book is a treasure that i here again recommend... 9) (from aforesaid book):
just to be is a blessing.
just to live is holy.
- rabbi abraham heschel
and
10) this world is the abode of god,
and god truly lives in the world.
-guru angad

how are you? como estas? come stai? comment allez-vous?

just finished a puzzle (from the NYT, even!) that was so hard & mentally-intensive for me, it made my heart jumpy & me anxious. but i finished it!! my brain still works. just read an article that says the brain begins to degenerate at around age 27; near-20 yrs later, i guess i should be grateful i'm not drooling & still can control my bodily functions! (that isn't a poor joke, i hope, but realization!) anyways, i've been reading all morn, catching up on magazines, learning a bit here & there, which i love to do (even if i'm a middle-aged person doomed to brain-failure)... i want to do duolingo, on which i've been practicing the romance languages of italian, french, & spanish. i've finally figured out if i go from hardest (french) to easiest (spanish), i do better. i think it's complementary, also fun, to do all three at once. the day i tried to add in german, i had a mental hardware-drive crash, so no more german... least for now! i have to wait til james awakens to do duolingo cause it's kinda like a video game, w/active audio requiring one to parrot back & figure out words & sentences... so i'm gonna go for a run, which'll not just smooth out my anxieties, but give time for husband to wake!
... too, i no longer am a laborer, but if you are, happy labor day to you! on the backs of workers has this great country been built... also, by the sweat of labor unions do we (i mean, you) now enjoy a 5 day, rather than 7 day, work week. honest labor is honorable & can bring meaning. may your work bring you a sense of purpose & fulfillment, as teaching did me for so many years, despite its many frustrations!

an alcoholic in his cups is an unlovely creature: on picking oneself up & dusting oneself off.

"you can't get a cat and expect it not to meow." - sherri
_________________

"An alcoholic in his cups is an unlovely creature. Our struggles with them are variously strenuous, comic, and tragic. One poor chap committed suicide in my home. He could not, or would not, see our way of life." - Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (italics mine) _________________ i got to st clare's garden too late this evening, but tomorrow i'm gonna go call on sister b, septuagenarian sister of mercy, recovery maven, saver of lives, world traveler, athlete, brave, funny soul, compassionate beautiful lady, hero to so many.... today, tho i wanted to for one desperate minute, i again didn't drink alcohol. it's been 6,629 days!! the bulk of the reason i've not is cause of my mother & father, i think: i can't hurt them LIKE THAT ever again. people of strong faith, maybe, can get sober more readily, too, believing it's their god's purpose for them. they "move into the light." my faith in the beginning was in the sober group: how did all those rough-looking people not drink, &, in fact, look so happy? lately, the vestiges of my faith have waned & waned as i have disconnected from those brave rooms. still -- intellectually, & after that, the emotional flood of realization comes --  i know there is Something in the stars. i need more reminders; today i remembered i need more meetings & to recommit to the higher power of my understanding. i'm sitting here at this table in crisis, & my heart hurts: how do people who've suffered but w/o ties to close loved ones or a faith stay sober? how do they do it???  why do i -- a person of relative privilege but at-times damning conscience -- sit here sober while so many are dying all around? why do some w/those advantages still drink & die from it, like dear stacy, never to be forgotten? some people have that something: they are survivors. i think of the balloon of suffering referred to in frankl's "man's search for meaning": their balloon swells & swells & contains their misery until they find a solution to shrink it & find peace. the solution? again, i think love & faith, what frankl called a "why to live" or meaning to live... otherwise... i know ones who have white-knuckled it, or they never get it & just die (examples  above), or worst of all, maybe, limp along for yrs & yrs, for the most part existing rather than living, maybe having quite the ball at times, being the life of the party, the guy/gal everyone wants to have & wants to have go down in flames so they can watch, but always alone in those dark moments, with never enough booze or drugs to keep the god feeling flowing. (i know that sentence was crappy & this entry is repetitive & poorly-written. i don't care!!) i know that the ones who never stop drinking alcoholically die before their time; i've seen it so, so much, especially when i lived in bakersfield. this disease is sad & fatal. i don't wanna die that way!! i don't want you to die that way!!!! when i was a newcomer, i got a card that read this: "granted that i must die someday, the question is, HOW SHALL I LIVE TODAY?" i think about that a lot & sometimes it keeps away the demons... yes,  another reason i had to get sober is i realized -- w/some terror, cause i saw i'd had a close call & saw what i'd been doing to myself, my health, not to mention all of those who loved me & whose hearts i was selfishly breaking, "i don't want to die!" i had thought i wanted to, & still i struggle w/suicidal ideation: it's my achilles heel, maybe. but that abiding love of & loyalty to family, the new-found desire to live as long a life as i can of dignity & maybe even some fun, the cornerstone of faith that i have: these all enable me to not have to drink today. for me, to drink is to die, & again, i don't wanna die. not yet!!! i spoke to my/our dear family this eve & all expressed regret & sadness & compassion for a dear one who went out (tho the person's drunken behavior -- selfish, ugly, vicious, cruelly jeering --  was far from dear. see quote above.) i was reminded that in 1995, had i not had my folks' support & felt loyalty to them, i, too would have  relapsed, like this person did. my folks told me that's probably more the norm: relapsing. hmm; maybe so... i know the relapser MUST NOT entertain shame, once the relapse has occurred. cast it aside so you may jump back on that train! the person who relapses has suffered enough, just enduring the long, torturously painful walk to the drink, then finally, inevitably , having the drink. now that it's done, it's time to, as dad said, "pick oneself up & brush oneself off!" i was reminded today, alcoholics drink. addicts use. that they in some cases don't, there is the miracle!!! i am a frigging miracle!! i should be drunk, loaded, or suicidal... none of that's active right now!! thank you, great spirit/pumpkin/nature/g*d/greatness/grandfather/grandmothers/power of evolution!! then i start thinking, sh*t: someone like me possibly might seem intimidating, not having drank for 18 yrs (tho i've been crazier than crazy plenty of times in "sobriety"). our loved one "might need to talk to others who've relapsed so they won't feel all alone or like something is seriously wrong with them," said my folks. man's wanted to experience bliss since 1st crushing grapes (or, w/o imbibing narcotic substance, while gazing at the night sky or a flower or while running, playing music, making art,  in the acts of love or service). it's so easy to grab that blissful "god" feeling from a bottle, pill, smoke, line, or, as i now know it's called, "issue." the condition is common, therefore, the misguided search for god/good/bliss, though to me it's maddening: isn't it illogical, anti-evolutionary, against the life force that humans continually should be drawn to substances lethal? my husband said it's about "thinning the herd." i refuse to believe that! maybe it's a test of some kind,  a way to point out to each of us false- versus real-god. i don't know!! i do know anyone can get sober, if the body & mind haven't been ravaged beyond return & if a person believe & know in his/her (their) heart of hearts that they   MUST STOP because they don't want to die the sad, slow, painful death of an alcoholic -- a heartbreaking agony for all who love him/her & can only helplessly stand by & not much fun for the drunk, either!! i'm so, so blessed right now that i stuck around long enough to learn that my own body can produce the god feeling. i need it; i crave it; without it, i don't feel like i'm really alive!!  to learn i can have that feeling w/o killing part of myself or scaring to death/making bitter/alienating those who really love me? wow. it makes me want to live this way yet another day, despite my moments of misgiving & despair. today, i know i hold the hope for any who might be suffering & want this solution! i've taken for granted my continuous sobriety. i gotta treasure this fragile thing so i don't lose it!! yet, to those who have lost their sobriety, i say as long as you still breathe, there's room for you in the program of alcoholics anonymous, or whatever spiritual solution you seek, provided you want to stop. "the realm of the spirit is broad, all-inclusive," i think the book says. yes, as long as there is breath, there is hope. so if you've relapsed but you live still, there is hope for you, if you want what we have. i am extending to you my hand. please, i beg of you, please leave those deadly waters & climb aboard. i know it's a struggle to get onboard, but do it. the ship will sail in a rocky manner, & on deck life is deadly-serious, w/ever-threat of devastating storm, but it's also brave & joyous, filled w/the camaraderie of survivors rescued from a common peril. those on board are trustworthy; they will know your secrets & watch your back. yes, this ship will deliver you to a new land on solid ground, with tools that work, life-affirming spirit, & connection to your fellows -- much more satisfactory, certainly than the lonely death you faced in those murky, slippery waters -- as inviting as they may look in places... please, please, please, just don't die. http://www.soberrecovery.com/links/relapseprevention.html?bset=0005%3F

snick

my cheap droid phone makes a camera sound when it "snaps" a photo. here are some from lately:

here, at scott abeyta's behest, i try to find out what's behind the "green door" in deadwood, SD, on recent band trip.

w/paul loranger, whom i know from when he played w/candye kane. we've shared 1000s of friends for decades, turns out!

bookends, mr smiley, & an interloper whom james considers to be one of the greatest harmonica players ever..

a great shot by casey reagan. people came out in droves to greet james.

getting ready to head out for south dakota, our friend snapped this pic & she & james are right: it's a great one!

aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

the hound has a blog!! http://thehoundblog.blogspot.com/ now i'm following it! i'm such a fan!!! on our honeymoon thru parts desolate, where not even paul harvey would've come in, were paul harvey still above the soil, we listened to old radiocasts of the hound (link at right someplace). i got to turn james on to the hound!! he's turned me on to so much great american music, so i was happy for this!!
gene taylor posted a jimmy donley song. some folks've thought my musical knowledge to be arcane or specialized, but it's really only pedestrian. for instance, i'd never heard of jimmy donley, so thank you, gene. one look at donley's mug, i had to listen. he sounded tortured, southern, plaintive, rough: like the silver fox, to my ears. his mug? part johnny cash, part ralph meeker, part... my husband. what a handsome devil, for sure, tough & wild, yet w/that polite thing some real men maintain somehow...
that led to a quick search for his bio, revealing tragic stuff. :( jimmy donley was tortured, his life a cautionary tale. read this, by blake butler -- what a writer! it's from http://www.oxfordamerican.org/articles/2011/dec/05/jimmy_donley/ oxford american describes itself as "the southern magazine of good writing"... fo sho!
"Most photographs I've seen of Jimmy Donley look like he's being stretched from the inside. He seems to have more teeth in his mouth than one should ever, crammed into a wide and rugged jaw, framed under eyes that somehow want to either pop out of their sockets or become swallowed in his head. He looks uncomfortable, is what I'm saying, to be captured in his body on film, or even more so, to be anywhere at all, though there is also something in that capture that suggests a tide rolled unrelenting, as if of the way he lived his life there could have never been a choice..."
am gonna tutor today & want to go to the gym. want to see "the butler." in memphis on our honeymoon, we saw a brick bldg near the larraine hotel/civil rights museum, near the arcade where elvis & rufus thomas & everyone used to dine & we did, too. the old sign painted on the bricks read "pullman hotel" -- where blacks working on the trains had to go to stay. i hope it was a nice place back then. probably it only was serviceable, but i hope the regulars had their thing down, keeping their dignity, their peace w/in the effed-up un-culture of jim crow...
well, that's it for now.
(hours later...)
we had a scare. james was commended by the jollyish doc for cessation of alcohol (nine months today. happy nine months, dear! in the ER! dang!) the other day, i had a scare & had to pack my wheezing self off to the ER, reminded not only do i still have asthma, i cannot smoke! argh! anyways, both scares this wk've put us back more than a few semollions, but they'll lead us toward better physical health, so ultimately, rationally, i only can be glad. my dear, dear friend had surgery last wk & i was so blown away when she called the health condition needing remedy, potentially a lulu, a "god shot." this was not vacuous positivism, not candidian, but life-affirming! my brave, beautiful friend! she's right: while we're here, what good does it do to be glum, cynical, & sad?? we might as well be pushing up daisies, being so... ok, off to the store to get supplies for my dear husband... happy 10 month anniversary to us tomorrow. we look forward then to meeting the keeper of the key, tho it may take us a bit to receive or comprehend that wondrous key...

"i don't need this stuff, and i don't need you!" (the jerk)

• ...well, the latter part's not true, but we HAVE been talking about throwing stuff out. it's tricky when you like living out of a suitcase as well as collecting lots of stuff, two seemingly contradictory states, but then, i seem to live quite a lot in two different states (not texas & california, either)... (oh, heh, someone's humor is rubbing off on me.) :) this should be one of the worst days ever, but i feel strangely ok at this second. might be an advantage of having such a poor memory a lot of the time. situationally poor, that is. mama would say strategically poor. doctor might say  dissociated-poor. whatever it is, i feel ok, tired brain & body. we ended the eve w/a run thru an actual neighborhood in this town. nice to know there are neighborhoods here, not just luxury cars & entitled drivers & endless apartment complexes & surfer dudes & dudettes & tourists & expensive vacuous shopping malls. james has the killer pace of a future race-winner. mom & dad asked if his smoking interferes w/his running & i shrugged no. they both chuckled at this yet-another example of james's superior mutant physiology... i am slow & steady but strong, fueled by the rhythmically reassuring pleasure of feet against earth & my imagined connection to meso-american ancestors... i will never win a race except that i will finish, & in so doing, i win them all... the other night at harvelle's i kicked butt. it was a great feeling, knowing i had kicked butt. people tell me i'm talented. i know what i have, w/o arrogance. most of the time i don't feel like anything special except that i am jenny & in that, i am special, like every one of us is special in our distinct personhood, & at the same time universal. but wednesday at harvelle's, i kicked butt. i just love coming offstage wearing a sheen of well-earned happy sweat. james gave me the kindest compliment yet in support of my performance, in support of me as his wife. he went out there & kicked butt, even after he had an accident onstage & was injured. i noticed & came running out, but he stomped ahead. james is all-man & the show must go on, no matter what. he is a born performer, entertainer, "future movie star." that's enough of that for now.
  

  
  

  from the sages, some words about stuff:  
• Navin: I don't need this stuff, and I don't need you. I don't need anything except this. [picks up an ashtray] And that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this. The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And this. And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair. [walking outside] And I don't need one other thing, except my dog. [dog growls] I don't need my dog.
• - George Carlin: If you didn't have so much stuff, you wouldn't need a house. You could just walk around all the time. A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it... And when you leave your house, you gotta lock it up. Wouldn't want somebody to come by and take some of your stuff... That's what your house is, a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get...more stuff! Sometimes you gotta move, gotta get a bigger house. Why? No room for your stuff anymore. Did you ever notice when you go to somebody else's house, you never quite feel a hundred percent at home? You know why? No room for your stuff. Somebody else's stuff is all over the place! And if you stay overnight, unexpectedly, they give you a little bedroom to sleep in. Bedroom they haven't used in about eleven years. Someone died in it, eleven years ago. And they haven't moved any of his stuff! Right next to the bed there's usually a dresser or a bureau of some kind, and there's NO ROOM for your stuff on it. Somebody else's sh*t is on the dresser. Have you noticed that their stuff is sh*t and your sh*t is stuff? God! And you say, "Get that sh*t offa there and let me put my stuff down!"
• - today in my aimless wanderings, i spotted two tiles/trivets that looked like "my" franciscan apple dishes. i picked them up for $1 each & came home to look them up & found they are worth $40-50 each! i don't collect to invest, but still it felt nice to make this little score! today james came home w/a lovely necklace for me of purple-dyed fresh water pearls. i wear it now & am touched anew by his thoughtfulness. i am fortunate to receive such nice gifts & to have the time & resources to treasure hunt, but really, i am not in need of much more stuff... in fact,  it's kinda dumb how much i can love "stuff," like the little baby doll i purchased the other day in bakersfield... it's all ultimately effluvia, after all, some might say, mere  distractions from the tomb. as carlin implies, who needs any of it, truly? of course, there's the comfort element, as well as aesthetic, not to mention it's just fun to collect stuff... until it starts to drive you mad, confuse you, or you see the crew of "hoarders" walking up your front step & knocking at your door ... having written all that, i must contradict myself, as is my nature, anyways: if you find this, which i used to own, but lost in a box of pottery in a sad & distracted move four years ago, please contact me! on its back reads "los angeles potteries 650." yes, to sound like "the jerk," "this is all i need!"
  
  
   

the loneliness of the short-to-mid-distance runner

tonight i ran 2.5 miles through the dark wide hilly northeast bakersfield neighborhood of my youth. bakersfield is punishingly hot from may til october; nighttime, tho, can bring lovely relief, & the streets so quiet & still compared to southern california, the warm breeze & languid cricketsong of evening put me in a mood, remembering the many, many nights i've jogged in bakersfield, & elsewhere: in california, in other states, in other countries, as well as all the nights i didn't jog, all the nighttime memories & all the people & places that accompany these memories, & the mind just takes its own nighttime trip, doesn't it? is this what getting older brings, this ever-pronouncing lean into remembrance? i hope that i don't become a maudlin oldling fixated upon her past. on the other hand, that would be improvement upon the smarmy turd of my youth... nostalgia, longing, wistfulness, reminiscence, homesickness, from whatever it originates: the happy lonesome feelings that stir, of the moment, transience, mortality of oneself, one's loved ones, humankind, the possibility of universal transcendence & bliss or maybe nothingness, it whirls thru my head & catches in my throat & my heart soars & maybe i blubber a little or just shake it off... i jog til it all makes sense somehow, or endorphins take over & then i flat just don't care. this happens to you, too, right?

“the long-distance run... makes me think that every run... is a life- a little life, I know- but a life as full of misery and happiness and things happening as you can ever get really around yourself” (alan sillitoe)

good-night, fellow mortal.

it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

i knew everything in the known universe when i was young, yet never "got" mister rogers. he was just too kind for my cynical worthless smart a** to appreciate. plus he looked like a wimpier version of our dad, which at that time made me mad, for some reason. well, come to think of it, most everything made me mad back then; the world & its people flat just did not cooperate most all of the time... anyways, now i know mister fred rogers was next-to a saint, a worthy, worthy human who did so much to offer children & other homo sapiens dignity, education, comfort, safety: he & all like him are deserving only of the highest praise, & how blessed this world is that people like mister rogers exist to balance all the ones who, for whatever reason, are bad apples & eggs... anyways, i don't know why i started w/that. nice people: maybe that's it. was just watching pbs w/mama & they showed a father coaching his son's ball team, practicing in a fenced-in urban blacktopped yard someplace, & the dad's talking about teaching & modeling forgiveness. then they showed a man i've not thought of in some time, but used to teach about: his son tariq was shot dead by another teen & this father responded by quitting his high-power job & going to the father of his son's killer. these two fathers, one christian, one muslim, then started an organization, the forgiveness project, to "keep kids from killing other kids." here's a version of the article we used to read in class: http://theforgivenessproject.com/stories/azim-khamisa-ples-felix-usa/
the show progressed to scenes of viet nam vets returning to the far-off lands where under orders, & sometimes because of extreme grief & anger & stress, they'd committed acts unconscionable to civilians like me, & it showed these men, haunted all these years, collapsing in sobs before verdant fields & in asian graveyards, comforting one another. "do you want me to hide those cookies?" mama said, looking at me w/good-natured concern as i both blubbered & stuffed my face...  a comparative innocent like me, one who's been privileged to live a relatively easy & dignified life, in the moment only can overeat or cry to try to handle the tremendous emotion that wells up from mere dramatized accounts... why are some of us so fortunate & get to avoid the suffering that others' lives are marked by? i turned james on to viktor frankl's "man's search for meaning," & he seems to have absorbed its central msg better than i. "it's all relative," he says sagely, & i must shut up bc my husband has undergone worlds more suffering than have i, & therefore to blubber on would just dishonor someone whom i tremendously admire as not just a survivor, but a victor, a phoenix, even... i thought of a fellow i met while the band played in rapid city sd, a tall, grey, bearded biker w/sky-blue eyes shining from behind heavy glasses, wearing a shirt for his volunteer organization, www.guitarsforvets.org . he came up on break to enthuse about how much he & his wife loved the band, then happily said becoming involved in playing music for & with vets had changed his life; james trucked up, heartily slapped the guy on the back & declared, "let me know how i can be involved! i can help!" he walked off & james's & my friend noted james is always a great friend to veterans' groups, donating his music & heart w/o reservation... the man's wife, a tall, graying, girlish woman speaking flat friendly minnesotan, later came up & said her husband had "carried a heavy burden for 30 years" due to war & how involvement in guitars for vets had "lifted that burden." i agreed that the power of music is tremendous & healing for anyone, including those who have suffered, those w/heavy heart, the victimized, the wounded warrior. she then hugged me, saying, "god bless those of us who are married to vets," & isn't the universe & its people beautiful sometimes?...
on the trip to-from SD, i was reminded that this world is filled w/good people. james knows many. he is one. i am, too. may you be, as well. good night for now.

bwahahahahahahahaha bwahahahahahahahaha

i can't believe we're actually going to do this... i'm looking fwd to it! my only other time in rapid city, i played tic-tac-toe w/a chicken, having found out about it in the new yorker. life's funny! the chicken beat me twice, then i bore down & started winning to preserve some modicum of dignity on behalf of humankind... the ride should be interesting; i like driving long, long distances, but haven't done it for at least a year, so i look forward to it. too, i hope to download my latest interest, duolingo, to my phone so i can practice italian, french, and spanish while i'm passengering. i hope to get to know everyone better, too. i've not gotten to travel w/a large group in many yrs. it's something i thought i'd dislike initially, but i really enjoy. i like people.... other than that, the latest is that the t-shirts arrived today & they look great. you kind of can see them here; the face bleaches out due to my phone camera being somewhat cheap. "we're gonna sell the sh*t out of those, baby," said james. "you'll be seeing those all over for years to come." i am a lucky human. may you be, as well.