the doom has lifted: long live la vida

read here about the world's oldest man & tell me you don't feel a bit better: world's oldest man
here's one about relative whippersnapper rita levi montalcini, a mere century old: italian centurian
got marked-down bagels from my favorite organic coffee stall around the corner & came home to find an inspirational kind of pin in my mailbox from my sponsor! then started watching a scary movie i got from the $1 store because its box had accolades. i think it's a bit too scary for me to finish right now, this late, this dark! i will maybe get brave & continue it, anyways... in a small role is monstrous young actor michael shannon, who either looks like christ or a highway killer, depending on the role; had an ADD flash & looked him up online & ended up on the roger ebert article about sobriety: positively inspiring! then chatted w/jani, phil, randy... then went to kickboxing, & what fun! then my home mtg was just wonderful: longtimer gentleman jack showed up! many folks talked about feeling crappy these past many wks, thinking of the bottle, so i realized i'm not alone, & this particular plane crash in my life doesn't have to be the end of the world... jim b. became a kindergartner (5th bd) & we all sang to him. dan had brought champagne cake from smith's, & sally, a card. art w pulled a prank on me. amanda, mark, carlos, julie b, joe, janet, rudy, steve, everyone was so nice. my 2nd family: i've missed them.
time to do some step work now... this wkend will bring sushi dinner w/family, visit w/doggy boys, the kern county fair (i hope), sun morning mtg (hope i run there), & a fun gig @ some country club in the mountains sat night. we're all riding over together in randy's cowboy cadillac, & i love riding all together, since i love my bandmates. we'll dine in tehachapi someplace randy knows of (i'll bet it'll be swell). life is good.
i echo to you art f's advice to me lately: "hey! la bas!"
pat's pin to me: "the best way to predict your future is to create it." i found my canvas, so am gonna get to painting, i believe. someone told me recently "when you make up your mind to do something, you do it." i'm a-doing again, i hope: time for positive action. feliz fin de semana!!!

phil alvin is still the awesomest in the world, as are my friends, & i rest my case.

here's the url, if the above video's not there: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YM3X2fxf79o
i really like & often love inspired oddballs & crazies, tho will never make my life w/one & am working on not being one myself. am not perfect by a mile, but gimme a little richard, robert mitchum, jason williams, herzog, jerry lee, orson welles, bukowski, sterling hayden, timothy carey, a few "real" people i know, etc., any day over the conformist "good-looking" or "attractive" or "successful." insanity & creativity, there's a definite link, & maybe that's what grabs me. creative people, the ones who don't care what society says is "right," make this world! yes, they can be selfish & a**holish, but also i think they're brave, & moreover, movers & shakers (tho in the moment, they may just look nuts). w/o them, culture stagnates, reverts to dark ages. but one aspect of my ardor definitely worries me: someone told me today "we pick people whom we think we deserve" & further that someday my picker will fix & the crazies won't interest me anymore & i won't interest them bc i'll be too healthy & happy. i guess i have to be willing to get to this place, tho.
for now, give me phil alvin over any young "stud." at least phil's interesting to listen to. and boy, he puts on a heck of a show. not to mention the looks. that guy's made to be on the stage. (friends of phil may comment.)
tonight, i recognize how important in my life are these things: family, friends, students, job, & my band of friendly eccentrics. actually, my band members are a great balance of goofball odd ducks (well, randy doesn't seem so odd, but what a swell guy). not to mention that they are strong musicians & kind people.
am so lucky for so much, & that's where i need to keep my eye. re this slump i'm in, you should see the emails i keep getting. it's mind-blowing. in the tiniest way, i know how candye kane must've felt when she found out she had cancer & was flooded w/love & support. (candye is now healthy, thanks, i think, to all that love & a radical change in diet & atittude.) i can't say enough how much i appreciate anyone who's emailed or messaged me to tell me "it's gonna be ok." you are all angels, & i'll keep your correspondence always.

pic of my higher power; all i want's a pepsi (&apiano)

just kidding. sort of.
here are 2 pix from yesterday. i wanted to get more, but mark & randy were drenched in sweat moving gear & then we launched into a marathon music session, but at least i got these. joe on pedal steel,

randy on drums, my friend philbert, mark, it was a draining but gratifying experience. heck, this guy came up & told me, "you know rod piazza & honey? [of course i know OF them, tho i don't know them] well, i thought she was the best female piano player i'd heard til i heard you." good lord - honey learned to play from otis spann records! otis spann! yes, i was grateful for the compliment, & all the ones i & we got. then shantell & i were talking about putting together a female cramps revue for halloween. good gravy! that would be so cool! yes, we are all so lucky to have song, to be wading in the stream of music, as phil alvin said. to be pumping away at my piano & look back & see the guys smiling w/excitement & happiness as we all rode a tune, well, what could be more exhilarating? (can't think of anything at all at this exact moment. not a one.) we were a team, the band & the audience, sharing in a swell rockin exuberant time. wow.
we played for 4 hrs, then quit & i sort of crumbled in exhaustion, but got to go grab a little down-home grub & get to a mtg w/jani & mark & hear gentle jani speak as well as a woman from the pacific group who was witty but left me feeling curiously empty.
then i came home & went insane, as has been happening, but i didn't drink & didn't have to call 9-1-1, so the day was rode out & put up & i got to live one more time. life's scary lately, but i seem to be a survivor, tho only the universe knows in the end, i guess.
today's been a bit brighter: played music at my higher power (see above) & worked on a different approach to the bigbk & listened to wonderful mix cd from art fein & gene taylor sent me a song via email & i got 2 incredible, supportive emails (plus kindly note from af) from people i didn't even think i was that close to, but i sure feel close to, now, for taking the time to help me feel like it's worth it & encouraging me to not give up, & what the heck have i got to be miserable about?????
enemy between my ears, this is no longer dramatically invigorating or an interesting existential dilemma. you are killing me.
the only thing to fear is fear itself, said one of the roosevelts, & fear's been grabbing me by the head lately, grabbing me & swinging me around like some wild demon, jezebeth, pyro, lilith, verin, vetis, asmodeus, argggh... but then the good of the universe returns the music & the love of others & restores hope, at least for now.
the enemy doesn't listen, so it seems imperative to turn all together away from it in surrender & toward the good stuff. (insert biblical quote about evil.) i can see now how the little richards, elvises, & jerry lees believed so fervently in the lord or the devil. the dichotomy gives a seemingly clear-cut reason for these times of madness & despair, the evil of the world. certitude of the origin of this would sure be nice. selfishness & self-centeredness or beelzebub? the latter would be easier to accept. otherwise, i am my own hell.
do believe (again) that where there's life, there's hope. am not pushing up daisies yet. so there is hope, & may there be for you, too... as usual, i don't know what i'm babbling about, so time to go. amor vincit omnia. i hope.

angels, psychobabble, extracting head from rear

i have many angels in my life, but the ones of primary focus here are A & P. call it therapese, new-age gobbledy-goop, recovery spiel, i don't care; this stuff is gold. here are some nuggets i hope are useful to you, too, if you're reading this:
1. when communicating, use this general feedback technique [it's called an "i" message; ironically, i taught this in conflict resolution training yrs back. do i remember to use it? heck, no...]:
a. describe what i see/hear (what they say/do – this is the only part about the other person)
b. disclose/own my emotional state/response (this pt’s about me)
c. state/ask for what i need/want (this pt's also about me)
ex.: when you hug me, i feel cared about because i need physical touch.
when you tell me what to read or think, i feel resentful because i want to decide for myself what is appropriate for me.
2. although i might understand or justify why a person is how s/he is, i don’t have to make a life with her/him.
3. i have the right/privilege to decide how to spend my time, even if it's inconvenient &/or hurtful to others.
4. the higher the stress, the lower the level of coping we resort to.
5. past unfinished business must be completed. the only way out is through. old traumas that have been stored in the body ask to be discharged. this is not a bad thing. painful events are being re-experienced. this is a sign that healing is taking place. although i am tempted to run, i need to feel it. it will diminish.
6. what others do is not about me, even if it’s painful or wrong to the world or to them.
7. my reactions are only about me.
8. if i try to fix, "help," or control others, i don't have to be quiet & look & see what i have (w/in myself, what others "have" emotionally)
9. in love, all unresolved issues from childhood start to try to be played out. this will happen no matter who the beloved is & will continue to happen until the past is resolved.
10. your interpretations of events will be different than mine. we each have different bodies, genes, experiences, histories. we will have individual reactions to life. altho some people we meet might seem to have similar reactions (are "compatible"), they, too, are different & separate than we are. this difference doesn't make them "bad" or "good" (unless their actions are morally or legally objectionable to you) - it just makes them different than you, a separate person, a body that has lived a life separate from yours.
11. what do i see when i stop analyzing & merely observe? this is scary bc if i'm not trying to control, i might not like what i see/realize about myself & others.
12. A's definition of love: "I want for you what you want for yourself, and if it’s not what I love, I still want to help you get it."
sh*t.
no, these wisdoms ain't mine, but maybe i'll glom on to some, if i keep hearing them. and if i live to be a thousand.

w o w ! ! !

- oh boy, did we sound good tonight! that might sound arrogant, but oh well, it's true, in my estimation. we're playing w/pedal joe steel this saturday at the kern river belle, 2-6 pm. the belle's on the southeast corner of north chester directly over the kern river bridge, on the oildale (north) side of town. it's a tiny, biker-friendly, friendly-in-general honky-tonk saloon. they have a little dance floor, like austin's ginny's little longhorn saloon, & great food, too!
- hope you'll come out for the show, & tell your friends, too... like i just intimated, i was having wonderful austin flashbacks tonight, w/joe sawing & soaring away on that lap steel (or is it pedal steel? i'm too tired to know, just know he sounded awesome) & randy bringing in the drums in perfect uptempo country rhythm, & of course, w/philbert the human jukebox singing mightily from his big dreamsicle gretsch & mark, cucumber-cool, on the electric bottom. to think these guys are this good, & also this nice & fun-loving! being part of this rockin ensemble's like being one's own rollercoaster. it's a happy deal.
- yes, please come out & see the dusk devils, featuring our new drummer rockin randy journey. we'll put on the best show possible for all, including ourselves. believe me, it's gonna be fun, so hope you'll consider it!! (for the rest of our upcoming shows, please click here: dusk devils myspace )

this evening completely sucks

...altho i'm not on the street, nor drunk, nor totally nuts.
so maybe there is hope. of course there is. where there is breath, there is hope.
circle of life, please cycle me back to the good stuff. these last many months, well, i don't know if i've learned my lesson, but i'm tired of this crap.
if you're reading this, may the crap you slog thru be shallow. and help me remember when in that crap bag that the zipper's on the inside. and i'll try to help you remember, too.
crap.

thanks for sharing

castor oil is the most vile substance known to humankind. this morning i had posted a screamin' jay hawkins song that portrays my current misery, but it was too humorous about the horrid topic, so i deleted it. my sense of humor is hamstrung, lying on the floor in a writhing pile!! in attempts to be positive that things will get better, i post here my favorite of his songs.
castor oil... VILE!!!!!!! take it & be reduced to praying for quick death!!!!

POST 400!!!!!!! (good gravy)

-> just got back from nice evening w/family, concluding w/nighttime run on the bluffs at panorama pk (dramatic pic from mrs'melinda on flickr is pretty much what it looked like, tho it was darker & more mysterious-glimmery). in my probably-too-cynical view, this city's not done enough to make this place an interesting & diverse & culturally-rich hometown of which to be proud, but in my adult life "they" HAVE installed some niceties that don't involve conspicuous consumption or debt incurrence, such as the bike path, the beale library, CALM, a few of the city pks (i save my greatest happiness for when "they" restore hart pk)... but the nicest nicety of all, i think, is what they did to "the bluffs." a rough guide smear of bksfld derisively commented that the only vw in this town overlooks oil fields; you could smell disdain steaming from the ink. my thought: of COURSE it is, city slicker! & to quote brian, you ain't from around here, are ya?? overlooking "the (oil) dale" & opposite the aging mansions of panorama drive are the bluffs, which served as the old makeout spot/lover's lane for generations of locals. at these bluffs, no doubt scores of young females (me being only one) were embarrassed more than once w/beaux when busted insert latin phrase by cops in the middle of the night. it was just dirt then, dirt that picked up & blew around & made people sick when the dust storms hit, a place if you had a gal or guy you just NEEDED, yet nothing to look at, in fact, a real eyesore. yet, i was offended when they turned the bluffs into a pk. the triumph of yuppiedom!! where will kids go now to fool around??? (i underestimated the ingenuity of hormone-driven youths, who certainly continue to find abandoned shopping centers & dirt fields in freshman attempts to perdure the specie... you gotta admire such tenacity, i spose.)
-> but you should see this pk now! it is a true jewel. the weather's changed & evenings now are wonderful california balmy-cool, but even when summer nights were 100 plus, the meandering path teemed w/families, couples, work associates strolling, laughing, stumbling, jogging, pecking & cooing. i say, now that my knee's stopped jerking on the whole topic, it's wonderful that our community has this treasure.
-> a poem about travel & obligation comes to mind, & tho tonight i had no obligation except to get my carcass home & to bed, i paraphrase: the bluffs are lovely dark & deep, and i have promises to keep, and miles to go before i sleep, and miles to go before i sleep. (actually, it's only 3.65 miles (approx) out & back, from manor/panorama to panorama/alta vista.)
-> if you're here &'ve never tried it, hit the bluffs some cool evening to see a lovely side of bakingfield that might help you feel a bit less hopeless about this place.

(wo)man's best friend(s)

when the world is disappointing, dogs never disappoint (well, except when gusgus pees on my rugs). the top pic is of "the boys," who came to visit the other night & accompanied me as i put together a shelf & watched the simpsons. roscoe is the border collie; i used to joke we should have named him "fireworks" bc at the dog park, he jumps so high to catch his frisbee, people ooh & aah. he is a hyper & intelligent canine who knew 47 words & phrases, last i heard (& tho he looks like psycho dog in the 2nd pic, he's just yawning). on the right is gusgus, my texas walmart mutt who resembles a hovawart. he is lovable & kind-natured & just likes to be petted & eat. he is so sweet & devoted that when he digs holes & pees, it's forgivable. we used to call him "our special boy" bc unlike roscoe (named after chicken & waffles), gusgus (named by my little cousins in tx) is no rocket scientist. the last pic is of willie, the devil or angel mutt i brought home from school, but had to return bc i can't have pets (tho they visit).
a few dog quotes: dogs are miracles with paws (s. kennedy). my little dog - a heartbeat at my feet (e. wharton). we long for an affection altogether ignorant of our faults. heaven has accorded this to us in the uncritical canine attachment (g. eliot). dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. for me they are the role model for being alive (g. radner). dogs are proof of god (my sister angie).

boo!