well, look there: it's a well!

look what dad & james found yesterday, day one of the Big Move! we were so happy to see mom & dad, & vice-versa. dad loves to work outdoors, like i do now, too: he relishes every chance to dig holes, climb hills, pull down branches, plant & cultivate gardens & landscaping, chop, hammer, saw, drill, get his hands in the soil, work on vehicles, build things, etc., & james, being from the city but w/lots of rural hard-work experience in his youth, seems to, also:  i was happy they found this well/cistern & together got it opened up. how mysterious, i think! a well! such a thing, seemingly out of nowhere! wonder if we'll ever discover its story?

traffic from so-cal was just absolute garbage-crap, so i was so grateful to get here on the mountain to not just beautiful, peaceful skies & scenery, but mom & dad w/table of picnic gourmet meal, courtesy of mama. we're about 40% toward starting this new life-chapter at this point, & it's been a buttload of work!, so i'm doing what i did when a teacher nearing each school-year-end: projecting my brain ahead one week to the end of this move, when it will all be in the past, merely a grueling memory of bruises, bumps, sore muscles & tired cranky thoughts. my  hoped-for outcome? a relaxing Home of creativity, peace, fun & growth, away from the city, which is great to visit, but also great to depart! .. speaking of cool cities, unable to sleep well, i watched  another episode of anthony bourdain's travel show, this one about tangier, which looks like the quintessence of the intriguing, mysterious escape! i couldn't sleep due to a stupid fire ant bite that kept me up near-all night. how could something so small hurt so badly?? look up schmidt ant bite pain scale for humorous description of such excruciating experiences...
well, the computer crashed & erased the rest of what i had written, so guess it wasn't that important... may your home be where your heart is, & may you avoid fire ants, wherever the dastardly, infernal, blasted, angry little bast*rds may may be! (ps - tonight, don't miss whiteboy james & the blues express at the regal inn in lakewood, ca... all good people are invited... heck! everyone's invited: good, bad, & ugly! come out & enjoy some great music doled out by the best front man on this planet...)

blablablablablablablabla

- (i was going to post this yesterday, the longest day of the year, but i fell asleep.)

- how about a short essay about physical attraction? after all, this is the longest day of the year, marking the beginning of summer, season of fecundity (or, wait, that's spring: oh well; i don't want to rewrite this entire post)...

- here's a pic of my legs. james bought me the designer gold shoes.
- i'd rather have my sister's legs -- slimmer, longer. but mine are strong & muscular & have served me well. yes, i post here my legs, self-objectifying / self-centered, maybe, but you know what? i'm proud of them. many 100s of thousands of squats, lunges, burpees, calisthenics, asanas, hikes, & jogs have formed these legs (plus genetics)...

- the gams are in part what attracted my husband to me, he has said. in my experience, males generally are more (i don't use this word pejoratively, please know) fetishistic than females, drawn by body parts -- some say men in general are more "visual," but i've read it's due to the straight male's instinctual link to Mother. all human creatures have that bond-instinct, of course, but hetero women are less apt to objectify men physically because their initial survival attachment to mother is same-sex, therefore not eroticized. (yech - don't know why i don't like that word except my family always has been so very, very proper, meaning close-mouthed about issues of sexuality.) in straight men, when the comfort of Mother is removed, especially if prematurely, physical longing can result. for instance, i knew a guy in bakersfield who actually would say, his wife standing there chuckling, he was a "boob guy" cause "my mom's stacked." yech! but at least he was being honest... yes, talking just of straight males, some are chest men, some like long hair, some like rear ends. some -- like james -- are classier when describing what they find attractive while others are grosser, even degenerate, even scary. all women know it happens: as you go through life as a female person, you meet creeps. i relate it to how here & there, you can't help it, you step in dog poop.

- james said he liked my smile, too, the happy & sincere smile i know i got from my folks. (not the joker smile i use to keep my personal space protected.) i thought that was sweet of him, to be drawn to that. even though james can be foul-mouthed & tough as bullets, his comment reminded me of my dad & what a gentlemanly not-pig, a noble man, dad's always been...

- i have my definite "type," too, so maybe i'm a little like a dude that way. it can be a hazard, though: i've  been in several major car crashes due to being overwhelmed by initial attraction -- my friend denise decades ago described  it as "toxic chemicals," so in addition to looks, there's the pheromone thing, too.  it's always disturbed me that, once i like how a fellow looks, i can be drawn even more by the smell of booze radiating from his pores -- however, i AM an alcoholic, even if in arrest for now-almost 19 years. please know i'm not swooning in the wake of every drunk male wafting past -- far from it. and i'm aware of the nature of the allure of that smell: it's just me being a drooling drunk. even after all these years. my body still wants a drink -- further proof that, today, i must not imbibe.

- in general, when women point out a guy as being "hot" or attractive, i don't get it. it's especially weird when a woman my age points out a younger man -- probably cause i was a teacher for so many years; young men (generally anyone under late-30s) look to me like students. and males attracted to young women? yes, youth can be aesthetically appealing, but any attraction beyond that is revolting & probably indicating pedophile tendencies... yech. go away, pervert.

- yes, i recognize that many human forms are artistically pleasing or "attractive" by societal standards, but definitely i am not in general attracted to 99.9% of humans "in that way." the human form can be as beautiful as a sunset, mountain, work of art (the first known sculpture was of "the lovers," two figures in embrace, from neolithic times). but that certainly does not mean that any human should be treated like or mounted like an object. no way.

- all of this blabbing doesn't even get in to personality. how many attractive people have YOU encountered who, once you started talking to them, were dumb as dirt, boring, arrogant, pretentious, presumptuous, superficial, crazy in a not-fun way, mean, prejudiced, or otherwise lacking in the human being department? -- so finding that one person who has the right combination of physical appeal & personality, well, if you love such a person, consider yourself blessed. and hold on tight, though not so tight that you choke the life out of the poor sucker. (if you have this tendency, go to al-anon!)

- i have been very, very, very comforted these past two years that i am attracted to & devoted to james only, & no one else even makes a blip on my radar. and i'm not even keeping my eyes downturned, fighting to avoid temptation: there IS no temptation. truly this is sign of the goodness of the universe, in my opinion, & encouragement that a person (even me) can move toward moral improvement... it's healthy progress for me, even if i'm still a nutbag in many other ways.

- i'm thinking my job & yours (should you undertake it) is to look honestly at those nutbag/shadow parts & learn to love them so they can stop rearing their horrid heads, may be transformed into something positive, &, best scenario, may be used to help another human feel less alone & dreadful. ("oh, haha! you think YOU were jealous? get a load of THIS!" or  "oh, you think YOU were a bad partner? well -- whew! -- wait til you hear what EYE did one time!")

- the key: "awareness, acceptance, action" -- thank you, carla.

i said to this wanting creature inside me...

(what a title! here is the link: kabir & sufi poets) (sometimes i tell the wanting creature just to shut up, but that's far less poetic!)
just this morning i was thinking on how the yearning to connect to eternal, good, god, order never will be satisfied... & that's ok! this is the highest constant longing, & always will reap deep reward, even -- maybe especially! -- in states of trial/weakness (think of paul's side-thorn). keep seeking! when i think of the hours i've squandered in earthly longings, i'm comforted by this need that i ever will seek to fulfill, but never will! it's like a great book you can't put down & that has no ending...
- so, on another topic what, to you, are the loveliest sounds in this world?
- i sit here happy as an ox, listening to many lovely sounds, as well as the dumb, persistent thrum of the refrigerator. the lovely sounds are these:
1. the beautifully mournful coo of a dove, to my ear yet-always sounding hopeful: it's my most favorite sound in this world.
2. various little birds chirping, trilling, cheeping & singing
3. a quail clucking (he must not know it's not dawn or dusk, which is usually when i hear them...)
4. the wind in the trees (gently brushing, most civilized, enjoyable, even scintillating, unlike the blasting banshee howls, like demons coming down the mountain, when the wind really gets moving around here -- so grateful that's not happening right now!)
- this is going to be a lovely weekend, no matter the particulars... from rest & reflection, prayer &  graduation to food & family, laughs, love, travel & music & friends to moving moving moving.  all under the auspices of universal order, all will go smoothly, bumpy, or something in the middle...  it'll all go as it's sposed to & w/o my pre-approval. ha! that's what i get... thank goodness.
may you hear lovely sounds...

blablablablablablabla zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

i took my chill pill, so want to squeeze out this entry before i drop into obliviona (somnambula?)... just ordered pizza after a long day of twiddling thumbs, staring into space, contemplating/cursing/exhalting existence, pulling weeds & moving boxes. the house is Now Ready for inhabitant number two's arrival. yes, the most important man in the world soon will be here, & he'll have lots of room to spread out, pursue hobbies, play & write songs, yak on the phone, listen to records, look at the stars, walk up into the mountains, shoot coyotes w/bb gun, smoke copiously on one of the four porches, pet the vagabond cat & dog, cook, chop out dead trees... and pull weeds w/me, i hope.
i've spent the week furiously culling & organizing possessions, then assembling, packing, moving 100s, heck, maybe 1000s of pounds of boxes, ladders, lumber, tools, flooring, wheelbarrows of trash, rocks & weeds, furniture. this place is multi-level, so this all involved a lot of climbing stairs, too. grateful to be able to get around so well at my age, even after smashing my foot on a board & wrenching my wrist trying to carry too much weight at once. on the other end, TMIMITW has been busy, too, culling, organizing, disassembling, packing. we are tcb, in the parlance of the king... speaking of whom, james's kentucky family adores elvis & has a family connection: one uncle gave young elvis his first job as a movie theatre usher; others used to hang w/young elvis -- the uncle now in california was long-legal counsel for mr scotty moore, in fact! then there's the awesome story about jerry lee lewis, whom i found out is more than just a bad apple, but a sinister character -- a charming, tough uncle, a family patriarch whom james resembles, older family members say, beat the tar out of the killer onstage one night, one crew against the other. pulled him right off his piano, the story goes, but the killer totally deserved it, if facts be told... it's always baffled me how some artists have tremendous talent, even genius, yet are horrible creatures, moral offenders, brutes, bad  monsters. insanity/emotional trouble + talent, yes, i acknowledge & know that connection & that one even makes sense: but it bothers me, the ones who reek as human beings & yet can produce unparalleled works in their field when they should be mundane &/or burned at a stake, maybe!!... well, the pizza's here & i'm going into warble land, so this is about it except to add, if you're on this mountain, ALWAYS order pizza from caveman cavey's, not mike's pizza. both produce very tasty food, but CC's is friendly, always w/attitude of pleasing the customer, & inform you of deals... the other does not possess any of those positives, & in fact, one time overcharged me considerably when i brought in my family to treat them. to not upset anyone, i paid the inflated bill, but remember the adage, which chuck berry recited in hail hail rocknroll: "fool me one time, shame on you. but fool me two times... shame on me."
ps - doug & angie, graduating together saturday from bible college (doug is valedictorian! both are getting MAs!), are the greatest, & they're right: spirits, good & evil, are real... the demon of depression's got my number for now, but i'm gonna get my number back & run that sucker into the hole from whence it came because i got the power now. i got the power & you do, too! "be still & know..." that's all. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

what lies behind you and what lies in front of you...

pales in comparison with what lies within you. (emerson)
emerson! so many jewels produced he!
oh! these are the best of times!and not the worst of times! :D
times precious, fragile, sacred, funny, chaotic, purposeful, wholesome, productive, exciting, loving, unknown, fecund, beautiful, amazing...
my heart soars.... may yours, as well!
(i recommend these latelies... emerson! as well as tagore, epictetus, rumi; documentary spiritual revolution; the jubalaires & piano red!; netflix anthony bourdain & stephen fry travel shows; tv show silicon valley; books the buddha in your mirror, language of letting go, the heart of the lotus sutra, & what you see in the dark -- the last a novel set in my smoggy, down-at-the-heels, unpretentious, heart-felt, somehow loveable hometown, bakersfield!
(used to think of bakersfield as being like a bad relationship: you can't get rid of it & somehow don't want to, like the scab that never heals cause you can't stop picking at it... but now i think bakersfield's more like a rescue dog, that dirty, disquieted, hopeful, friendly, tenacious creature bursting with life, entitled to live "with ease and comfort" just as much -- no more, no less, cause all of life is equal & sacred -- as its fellows who may be pampered, prosperous, presumptuous or maybe sniping, ill-tempered, small-minded, even stupid, or any of its brethren possessing of "superior" or negative qualities... and if it sounds like i'm casting judgment, well, i'm part of the rescue dog family, too, in fact, part of the whole human dog team just like you are, no matter your station, bank account, or attitude! again, we're in this together, & we're all pink meat & white bone underneath, to quote carl perkins.)
hahahaha! another sermon! w/that & 99 cents, you can get yourself a can of pepsi! :D
finally, this morn i was so inspired reading my world tribune buddhist newspaper, i just now typed from it a long inspirational quote from daisaku ikeda, then backspaced & deleted the whole thing! A LOT of heavy detritus needs removing from the basement right now, so i'll just post here daisaku ikeda quotes instead of retyping... may you find encouragement in even one! :D

aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............

- i'm back on the mountain, breathing an  exhalation of relaxation... what a week! graduation congratulations to james page jr, soon off to college in colorado! so many things happened while i was gone, hard to keep em straight. i don't know when i've ever seen so many cool places on such a short trip w/such a mind full of crap! oh well; long as we're not pushing up daisies, we always can revisit those places, & long as we get to be highly creative & talented & intelligent ( yeah, that might sound stuck-up, but it's TRUE!! - maybe of you, too, eh? :D ), i guess the flipside is mood swings, which i'm learning to deal w/better, thanks to garnering new & improved tools & my husband's help (i believe i help him, too)... tho they still hit, blast it!!... we visited el cariso village near lake elsinore, then one of my favorite spots in one of my favorite towns, the desert hot springs spa hotel, plus DHS's gypsyland & cabot pueblo museum (which was closed, dang it!). under a full moon, we motored up to westerny pioneertown, ca to catch phil & dave alvin's big bill broonzy show at the rustic & happening nightspot pappy & harriet's, & i couldn't believe it: as we drove in, people were streaming out. we'd just missed the whole show!! argh!! anyways, we got to say hi to phil, then walk the cool grounds under beautiful night sky  before hitting the road back to DHS; it was important that we'd shown up, since phil'd been nice enough to put james+1 on the list, & we did, so that's just how it all went down... next day james took us to a terrific spot i'd never been called tio's tacos in riverside, ca, w/delicious food & the most eye-popping collection of vernacular art i've ever seen in one place. i told james, through my depressed fog (which i guess will always hit, long as i'm in this life!), i was amazed cause i've spent decades traveling all over the country to see art like that, & there it was all in one spot, even more than at the primitive & folk art museum in DC. "that's why i brought you here," james said plainly... the food was quite good, too, & the vibe at 1st reminded me of austin, but even austin's got no place w/that volume of bizarre, beautiful, grotesque artwork. we have to go back sometime soon when we're both firing on all cylinders... back at the OC apt, i did all the cleaning i could before needing to get back here to prep to leave again for father's day in kern county tomorrow...
- if you're in the LA area, tomorrow will be a benefit for james's blues express drummer, max bangwell, who is ill but in high spirits, still tripping the lights fantastic, always photographed w/a big smile... the venue changed, so check online for details... speaking of big smiles, above's a pic i took of us at P&H's, using my new fancyshmancy bargain-of-a-phone. my arm is getting to be a seasoned photo feature, i'll tell you!
- happy father's day tomorrow to our dear, sweet, smart, strange, wonderful dad as well as to james,  brother-in-law doug, & all/any of you worthy of the title "father"...oh my gosh!!! a beautiful deer just trod gently by, walking on the side of the hill opposite this window, only about 25 feet away!! so grateful for moments like this!! and now, due to new F-S phone, i can show you a facsimile of what i just saw... :D

true blue! :D

the other day i went to a drunk meeting in bakersfield for the 1st time in about 2 yrs... and i was reminded of all the true-blue friends if have! my gosh, so many people i love who i'd not seen in years were there: people w/no agendas other than to be friendly & supportive... grateful people w/eyes sparkling... no gossiping... no back-biting... just love & happiness! i mean, i know deep-down lots of people have their agendas, & if they've got any worth, they're trying to overcome that kinda of thing. as well, everyone on this earth's got burdens & foibles & pain. but in the meeting? i saw & heard only encouragement, candor, generosity of spirit. yes, i am so lucky to have so many kind, true friends & acquaintances to admire. james has many, too! those ones who would never tell his secrets or mine, who keep our confidences, who would never gossip about him or us, who support both of us & love both of us, those worthy people who love james just for james, not because he is whiteboy james & they can tell everyone they hang out with him.
my true friends love james because james loves me, & they'll love him more as they get to know him better. his true friends love me because i love james, & if they have any character, as they get to know me, they'll appreciate me more because i am a cool human being & you should all know me! :D
my family loves james so much because they know i love him... plus, they can see how special & lovable & brave james is; they are coming to love him more & more just because he is james!... they always show me there's more than enough love to go around, to be ever-more patient, to understand, not be understood: such good role models for me!
anybody else just isn't important, tho bless you, if you're a fake friend to james, me, or us both! we are all humans on our journeys. call it spirits or demons or angels or karma or whatever, i do believe we reap what we sow, but that we can transform our destinies for the better... if you're a back-biter or a hater, you can do an about-face. i don't think anyone with conscience likes living small & mean & crappy, holding grudges, jealousies, judgments, talking smack, etc... facta non verba, people: facta non verba! and, oh yes, carpe diem! :D

"of all the movies that i have seen, this one most completely embodies the romance of going to the movies" (roger ebert)

- finally got the third man in the mail - been waiting to watch it w/james for some time! this definitely is one of my top-10 film faves, tho the sexist tone of the trailer doesn't depict accurately this fine, quirky, intelligent, romantic noir's vibe... the other night i got on a youtube welles kick, starting w/actor robb on trailer park boys, finishing w/auteur george orson, learning the latter improvved the famous "cuckoo clock" speech in TTM... what the heck do the two welles have in common? surely you've noted both writers-actors are/were of large limpid eyes, boyish, round faces, bulky frame, mercurial temperament & alcoholic bent... the brilliant welles, had he noticed it at all, maybe would've found humor or irony in tv-idiot welles' loveable loser-sap.... anyways, i'm likely wrong, & i digress, as usual, but it's fun to make connections between what seems arbitrary, even if connections are cheesy or specious or whatever... it's like mental push-ups. example: banana, shoe - connections: ovaloid form, contain two vowels, function as a cover/protectant for fruit & foot, respectively... you can take it from here...
- finally got some shut-eye around 6 am, then up again at 7, so feeling pretty blissfully hallucinating-kinda wiped out confused-due-to-exhaustion right now... i sort of like this mindframe at times cause in it, it's so easy to feel naturally near-cheech & chong-cool w/whatever happens or doesn't... yes, this past week's been a doozy, but it shook out pretty darned well, i think, even if all's not peaches & roses quite still... events climaxed w/our gang & bugs bunny, pretty great company w/which to celebrate, i think.
- yes, i am happy & grateful & hope i remember from whence my blessings come (not me)...

been down so long, it looks like up to me

that's the title of a novel by richard farina that i'm unloading on ebay... just entered the world of ebay selling, & i can see where it could get addictive! i love inputting information & i type fast & i love details & organizing, all the traits of a seller about to get hooked... who knew my 25-30 yrs of record & book collecting would eventually pay off? i've already given away some stuff, some valuable stuff, too, to people i hope appreciate what they got... anyways, that's not why i gave it to them, but bc i thought they'd like it... the rest of it, well, i guess i thought i'd keep this stuff forever & ever, but tastes change, as well as when a person gets older, sh*t needs to be shucked. i don't need all these things anymore!!
a lot of the beat book titles i have amassed over the years especially are valuable, tho i won't be going on any vacations from my sales... anyways, i've felt that way before, what the title above says,  but i know it ain't true for me today. i've had a good, if confused life. to believe anything different is just useless & pointless & puts me in that hole again where i don't need to be, & you don't need to be, either.
climb out.
you're the only one who can do it, tho i'll lend you a hand, if you ask
or if you look like you're on fire.
remember bukowski's words, at right: "what matters most is how well you walk through the fire."
anybody who's reading this has a good enough life to have access to the internet, so let's be grateful!
and don't be like me & feel guilty for having it good, or get all confused wondering why you get to be fortunate & others in the world suffer so much worse.
just climb out of the hole, if you're in it. you made it this far... what for?
i don't know, but it's not to be miserable...
stop digging.

18 years, 11 months

"what am i? what's left when you drain the pool?"

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........................

i HATE being ill!!! -- though i suppose no one does, unless he or she is a weirdo...
today i haven't been able to get off the couch, where i passed out last night (sick & sleepy, not wasted)... i've stumbled to the computer a few times & futzed around there a bit & watched a lot of tv, drifting in & out of consciousness, & ate a bit of food & tried some natural remedies like apple cider vinegar, saline (bleghghghh!), lots of water, tea (thank g*d i have no castor oil in the house cause i'd feel compelled to take it & that's the WORST SUBSTANCE ON EARTH)... i start feeling sorry for myself when i'm sick cause being a sober alcoholic/addict, i can't take a lot of meds cause they f**k me up!! then, through the miracle of the internet, i just found this. maybe it'll be useful to you, too! safe medications for sober alcoholics and addicts 
i've actually had doctors who've said "i don't know what to prescribe you" when i tell them my condition... imagine! glad i don't go to those docs anymore, lazy twerps... seems part of their job would be to research such questions, especially w/substance abuse/addictions afflicting, i read, up to 33% of the population!
gonna check the medicine cabinet & see if i have any of the allergy/sinus pain meds listed, then it's back to the couch for me... if you have no dough for meds, don't give up -- online are so, so many herbal/natural remedies that might help... bye for now.

today's gratitudes

1. my 12-step sponsor (beautiful, kind, patient, wise)
2. my buddhist sponsor (beautiful, bubbly, friendly, wise)
3. my truck runs like a top!
4. daimoku & spiritual readings
5. music
6, memory of yesterday eve & night with james!
7. bagel with butter
8. sobriety
9. child prodigy pianist, 6-year old speaker, & funny old japanese woman at buddhist meeting
10. reminded to live in reality, not what i wish "was." tomorrow's another day! :D