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- (i was going to post this yesterday, the longest day of the year, but i fell asleep.)

- how about a short essay about physical attraction? after all, this is the longest day of the year, marking the beginning of summer, season of fecundity (or, wait, that's spring: oh well; i don't want to rewrite this entire post)...

- here's a pic of my legs. james bought me the designer gold shoes.
- i'd rather have my sister's legs -- slimmer, longer. but mine are strong & muscular & have served me well. yes, i post here my legs, self-objectifying / self-centered, maybe, but you know what? i'm proud of them. many 100s of thousands of squats, lunges, burpees, calisthenics, asanas, hikes, & jogs have formed these legs (plus genetics)...

- the gams are in part what attracted my husband to me, he has said. in my experience, males generally are more (i don't use this word pejoratively, please know) fetishistic than females, drawn by body parts -- some say men in general are more "visual," but i've read it's due to the straight male's instinctual link to Mother. all human creatures have that bond-instinct, of course, but hetero women are less apt to objectify men physically because their initial survival attachment to mother is same-sex, therefore not eroticized. (yech - don't know why i don't like that word except my family always has been so very, very proper, meaning close-mouthed about issues of sexuality.) in straight men, when the comfort of Mother is removed, especially if prematurely, physical longing can result. for instance, i knew a guy in bakersfield who actually would say, his wife standing there chuckling, he was a "boob guy" cause "my mom's stacked." yech! but at least he was being honest... yes, talking just of straight males, some are chest men, some like long hair, some like rear ends. some -- like james -- are classier when describing what they find attractive while others are grosser, even degenerate, even scary. all women know it happens: as you go through life as a female person, you meet creeps. i relate it to how here & there, you can't help it, you step in dog poop.

- james said he liked my smile, too, the happy & sincere smile i know i got from my folks. (not the joker smile i use to keep my personal space protected.) i thought that was sweet of him, to be drawn to that. even though james can be foul-mouthed & tough as bullets, his comment reminded me of my dad & what a gentlemanly not-pig, a noble man, dad's always been...

- i have my definite "type," too, so maybe i'm a little like a dude that way. it can be a hazard, though: i've  been in several major car crashes due to being overwhelmed by initial attraction -- my friend denise decades ago described  it as "toxic chemicals," so in addition to looks, there's the pheromone thing, too.  it's always disturbed me that, once i like how a fellow looks, i can be drawn even more by the smell of booze radiating from his pores -- however, i AM an alcoholic, even if in arrest for now-almost 19 years. please know i'm not swooning in the wake of every drunk male wafting past -- far from it. and i'm aware of the nature of the allure of that smell: it's just me being a drooling drunk. even after all these years. my body still wants a drink -- further proof that, today, i must not imbibe.

- in general, when women point out a guy as being "hot" or attractive, i don't get it. it's especially weird when a woman my age points out a younger man -- probably cause i was a teacher for so many years; young men (generally anyone under late-30s) look to me like students. and males attracted to young women? yes, youth can be aesthetically appealing, but any attraction beyond that is revolting & probably indicating pedophile tendencies... yech. go away, pervert.

- yes, i recognize that many human forms are artistically pleasing or "attractive" by societal standards, but definitely i am not in general attracted to 99.9% of humans "in that way." the human form can be as beautiful as a sunset, mountain, work of art (the first known sculpture was of "the lovers," two figures in embrace, from neolithic times). but that certainly does not mean that any human should be treated like or mounted like an object. no way.

- all of this blabbing doesn't even get in to personality. how many attractive people have YOU encountered who, once you started talking to them, were dumb as dirt, boring, arrogant, pretentious, presumptuous, superficial, crazy in a not-fun way, mean, prejudiced, or otherwise lacking in the human being department? -- so finding that one person who has the right combination of physical appeal & personality, well, if you love such a person, consider yourself blessed. and hold on tight, though not so tight that you choke the life out of the poor sucker. (if you have this tendency, go to al-anon!)

- i have been very, very, very comforted these past two years that i am attracted to & devoted to james only, & no one else even makes a blip on my radar. and i'm not even keeping my eyes downturned, fighting to avoid temptation: there IS no temptation. truly this is sign of the goodness of the universe, in my opinion, & encouragement that a person (even me) can move toward moral improvement... it's healthy progress for me, even if i'm still a nutbag in many other ways.

- i'm thinking my job & yours (should you undertake it) is to look honestly at those nutbag/shadow parts & learn to love them so they can stop rearing their horrid heads, may be transformed into something positive, &, best scenario, may be used to help another human feel less alone & dreadful. ("oh, haha! you think YOU were jealous? get a load of THIS!" or  "oh, you think YOU were a bad partner? well -- whew! -- wait til you hear what EYE did one time!")

- the key: "awareness, acceptance, action" -- thank you, carla.