you ever get that way?
aaaaaaaahhhh!!!
fortunately, on youtube (yes, youtube again), they have wonderful meditation & hypnosis videos to encourage slumber. or calm. or diminished sadness. or whatever you can think of... you should try it, if you haven't.
going there now. i shall be snoring soon. and dreaming dippy dreams that don't make no sense.
roger & out.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
shelfy
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| a fun and messy day on the mountain... |
anyways, that's not what i wanted to write about really; you know how the infernal coconut can play ping-pong w/o asking...
we got some perhaps-disappointing news & so drove 90 miles round-trip to have an ice cream at farrell's, but MAN, what an ice cream!! it had chocolate, vanilla & chocolate malted crunch ice creams, pecans, whipped cream, hot fudge, AND an awesome buttery caramel sauce... we looked at antiques a little bit then motored back & i burned off maybe 1/2 spoon of ice cream doing plyometrics before watched an amusing & blasphemous film called rapture-palooza while james sacked some zzz's... after my matins this morn, i went crazy writing something up & then we spent the day doing spontaneous & fun stuff, ending up lolling around drinking iced tea & laughing w/shame over "trailer park boys"... may your weekend have been a good one.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
trois for dimanche
lately i've seen some very worthwhile documentaries on netflix! probably mentioned months back "i am," but in addition, please seek out "10 questions for the dalai lama" & "happy." dad was inspired by the latter to go pick up trash on the bluffs in bakersfield; i'm about to do the same activity here, tho am stalling a little... it's so much more pleasant to walk/drive one's neighborhood when things are sans garbage, plus there's the good feeling of having prettied things up for everybody... another cool film fact is you can go to youtube & input "little rascals disc" & somebody/bodies have uploaded more than 10 2-hour plus discs of hal roach's classics! i learned that george "spanky" mcfarland of the lone star state was just three years old when he debuted w/our gang... THREE YEARS OLD! wow!
the best reels are the earlier ones, i think, til they got pretty contrived in the mid-late 40s... throughout, however, the talented children really are amazing, & for the time period, the episodes are quite socially progressive, tho still w/yucky moments of racial/sexual stereotype that can make a person wince... if you didn't know about these episodes being available online, hope you'll now enjoy them for free...
das ist alles, nos vemos, au revoir, don't take any wooden nickels, etc!
the best reels are the earlier ones, i think, til they got pretty contrived in the mid-late 40s... throughout, however, the talented children really are amazing, & for the time period, the episodes are quite socially progressive, tho still w/yucky moments of racial/sexual stereotype that can make a person wince... if you didn't know about these episodes being available online, hope you'll now enjoy them for free...
das ist alles, nos vemos, au revoir, don't take any wooden nickels, etc!
Thursday, May 22, 2014
wow.
my sister sent me this. wise words to heed, tho difficult. i would think in the end, this philosophy is best for a human being seeking growth toward personal freedom & victory in life...Wednesday, May 21, 2014
dead of night
(reconsidering this: my "team" metaphor's not really accurate: i'm an indy farm team B-lister while james is ready to be signed by the majors, which is as it should be... i'm fine where i am, long as i'm creating & playing...) :D
gagagoogoo
i took maddy to a test at csulb & she took this picture of her uncle & me at the westminster mall, where they have asian pop-culture-themed stores i wanted her to see as well as an awesome bookstore. (the day ended up being centered around bookstores; all together, we bought close to 40 books, most titles for $1!) i then screwed the pic all up experimenting on pixlr w/different color settings... but i kinda like it: james looks like a superhero or actually super villain, & i like my outfit, which cost $5 total. :D i also love his hands so very much, & this pic reminds me of that feeling... social networking friends speculated about why we were in a store with baby items; it was actually a store w/japanese anime & manga cutesy stuff, what's called "kawaii," all a big interest for maddy & so many youngsters these days.... moving on, finally faced the music & paid some big bills (arrggghh!!), am getting my hands on a copy of "the third man" (woo-hoo! what a terrific movie! see it, if you haven't!), & am very excited & anticipating w/great hope a meeting james & i are going to real soon... also, if you have some time, this is a real shocker, very important viewing -- maybe even crucial! robert lustig, "fructose: the bitter truth" ... das ist alles und auf wiedersehen for now...Tuesday, May 20, 2014
"have you seen any zebras lately?"
that's what dad texted me today. it's a joke i'd like to share.
last week, my tub stopped draining. i tried drano, then three rounds of baking soda/vinegar, then lots of plunger action. nothing helped. i got a plastic snake & tried that; tub still wouldn't drain. dad showed up a few days later & we tried all kinds of methods, including an expanding hose snake, which burst the drain seal, resulting in mild flooding in the basement. not good. that required another whole round of repair to fix drain seal & flood. dad went home kinda bummed bc he has got the perseverance of a patient bloodhound when it comes to problem-solving, & we'd not solved this one.
then he sent an email: i can't sleep thinking about your plumbing, w/a diagram of another approach he would take. i felt bad that dad was worrying about MY plumbing...
he & mama arrived yesterday & he tried the diagram method. i had taken my niece out of town to a test at the university she'll be attending & shortly thereafter received text from dad: FIXED YOUR TUB.
we got back that night & dad looked spry & wily, the cat who'd swallowed the canary. he took me to the tub & plugged it & started filling it with water. he removed the stopper & the water just sat there; it appeared the tub was still not draining. i looked at him, puzzled. he said, "i was going to remove the overflow valve here & i had disconnected it & then realized.." he flipped the handle-switch on the overflow valve DOWN. the tub started glug-glug-glugging immediately. we roared w/laughter. the whole time it simply had been a valve i'd not flipped -- a human problem, but NOT a plumbing problem... i felt like a real dumbass & let him know, apologizing for having wasted his time & worry.
"now, don't beat up on yourself, jenny," he said. "i didn't see it either. i immediately jumped to conclusions, too. the problem you & i both have is that when we hear hooves in the distance, we assume it's zebras..."
"when it might be horses... or even camels," i said.
"yes," he said. "so we mustn't immediately assume 'zebras' unless we check & see that, yes, it's zebras, all right."
last week, my tub stopped draining. i tried drano, then three rounds of baking soda/vinegar, then lots of plunger action. nothing helped. i got a plastic snake & tried that; tub still wouldn't drain. dad showed up a few days later & we tried all kinds of methods, including an expanding hose snake, which burst the drain seal, resulting in mild flooding in the basement. not good. that required another whole round of repair to fix drain seal & flood. dad went home kinda bummed bc he has got the perseverance of a patient bloodhound when it comes to problem-solving, & we'd not solved this one.
then he sent an email: i can't sleep thinking about your plumbing, w/a diagram of another approach he would take. i felt bad that dad was worrying about MY plumbing...
he & mama arrived yesterday & he tried the diagram method. i had taken my niece out of town to a test at the university she'll be attending & shortly thereafter received text from dad: FIXED YOUR TUB.
we got back that night & dad looked spry & wily, the cat who'd swallowed the canary. he took me to the tub & plugged it & started filling it with water. he removed the stopper & the water just sat there; it appeared the tub was still not draining. i looked at him, puzzled. he said, "i was going to remove the overflow valve here & i had disconnected it & then realized.." he flipped the handle-switch on the overflow valve DOWN. the tub started glug-glug-glugging immediately. we roared w/laughter. the whole time it simply had been a valve i'd not flipped -- a human problem, but NOT a plumbing problem... i felt like a real dumbass & let him know, apologizing for having wasted his time & worry.
"now, don't beat up on yourself, jenny," he said. "i didn't see it either. i immediately jumped to conclusions, too. the problem you & i both have is that when we hear hooves in the distance, we assume it's zebras..."
"when it might be horses... or even camels," i said.
"yes," he said. "so we mustn't immediately assume 'zebras' unless we check & see that, yes, it's zebras, all right."
from the realm of meditation, chant, & prayer: to realize & to remember are two different beasts
sometimes people have mistaken me for someone else -- for instance, there has been a woman in bakersfield who is a hostess or waitress & people have thought i was her. or a woman will say, "oh! i thought you were my friend from high school!" sometimes it's an actress -- then i have to go look her up & muse, do i look like her? -- which is goofy, because i am NOT her. some people might think i am syrian, or east indian, or some "girl" from another band, somebody i'm not -- in silliest cases, or if they're hallucinating, a giraffe or devil or cat or whatever they think i am, good bad or indifferent -- this includes being maligned, gossiped about, being judged or called bad names... i am not any of those things, even when people tell me i am.
when i know who i am, & from whence i came, when people think i am something/somebody else, or just tell me that i am for whatever their reasons may be, i can remain detached from their observation, which is just & only that. i don't have to judge them or internalize their error cause i know who i am & from whence i am. they are just mistaken, but i don't even need to tell them that. reality's subjective for us all, after all... what you think i am is none of my business, i used to hear all the time in the program.
everything that happens in this life is ephemeral & the more i can remember that, as well as who & what i am, the better off i am. the ideal is that it all slough off me like water off a duck's back -- our dad's a good role model of that.
does this make sense? it did to me this morning in meditation... whether i'll still feel & realize it one hour or one minute from now's another matter... another fun thing that happened while "under" is i saw some unusually trippy patterns inside my eyelids (zen meditation suggests you keep your eyes open, but i like mine closed)... still astounded that my brain, w/no external input, can create such beauty & moments of realization & even transcendence... may your days be merry & bright.
when i know who i am, & from whence i came, when people think i am something/somebody else, or just tell me that i am for whatever their reasons may be, i can remain detached from their observation, which is just & only that. i don't have to judge them or internalize their error cause i know who i am & from whence i am. they are just mistaken, but i don't even need to tell them that. reality's subjective for us all, after all... what you think i am is none of my business, i used to hear all the time in the program.
everything that happens in this life is ephemeral & the more i can remember that, as well as who & what i am, the better off i am. the ideal is that it all slough off me like water off a duck's back -- our dad's a good role model of that.
does this make sense? it did to me this morning in meditation... whether i'll still feel & realize it one hour or one minute from now's another matter... another fun thing that happened while "under" is i saw some unusually trippy patterns inside my eyelids (zen meditation suggests you keep your eyes open, but i like mine closed)... still astounded that my brain, w/no external input, can create such beauty & moments of realization & even transcendence... may your days be merry & bright.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
... when that cat gets nervous, you know i won't be there...
well, i'm sposed to clean house, but i'm gonna write a bit, instead. i'd pegged the following tune for a lieber-stoller, w/its clever lyrics, but have long-wondered who first-performed it. youtube, of course, brought the answer. youtube is quite an amazing repository of history, the modern-day alexandrian library of popular culture, maybe... one bad stud by the honey bears (1954)
today was quite an adventure & confidence-booster. i remembered in part who i am... maybe you have forgotten in part who you are, & if so, may that knowledge be restored to you!
you see... james is a mutant & i am not, but we are BOTH superheroes. he has said so, & it might be true. (i know it is of him.) we're also from different planets than earth, maybe... not the same planet, but not earth, so we're in that together... anyways, i had one of those superhero-feeling moments today, & it lasted a good while... i was cresting a gigantic rock overlooking a desert valley on a last-second hike, cresting it while wearing a dress cause i'd been to a buddhist meeting earlier & didn't know i'd be hiking up mountains. i'd swapped out my sandals for these yucky crocs i had in the back of my truck & donned my texas 10-gallon & was hopping around & thinking how easy it was to climb boulders, & at MY AGE! i felt doggone lucky & also empowered... then flashed on some superheroish memories i'd not thought of in a good while.
a few yrs back i played in a large band & the band voiced that i was the band stud cause i could hear song changes & report them to the other band members so we could learn new songs beyond the standard structure. they started out by surreptitiously putting truck nuts on my truck. i cut them off. then the truck nuts showed up strapped to my keyboard stand. i didn't notice til we'd finished a gig. i was embarrassed at the time, but in retrospect, i am flattered... tho i was criticized by one band member for being "so nice," & "so sweet," in another sense, where it really mattered (musically!), i was formidable!
(i know i can be a people-pleaser, wishy-washy, moody, but when it comes to music, i know what i love & i know what i can do & if i am put on stage, i WILL kick butt because that is what i do [thank you, mom & dad, for not raising us to be doormats where our talents are concerned])... then in the early years of the best bakersfield line-up of my now-moribund band (the lineup that was most on board w/me being leader & had taken the time to learn a bunch of my originals), we were standing around one night after a show w/candye kane (who definitely is a superhero & later released a CD by that name that is KICK-ASS!!) & candye asked them, "so who IS the one bad stud in this band?" they all laughed. "jenny," said one. "yeah, jenny's the stud," said the other... i've had other feelings of studliness while in the music realm, & i know james has built his entire career on being a stud for being such a blues bad-guy or bad-a**, so tough, charming, talented, confident, authentic, & respectful of carrying on the canon... i definitely defer to james's studliness, but it was kinda nice today to remember my own moments...
ok, dang, now i gotta go clean the bathroom.
(ps - i love my husband.)
today was quite an adventure & confidence-booster. i remembered in part who i am... maybe you have forgotten in part who you are, & if so, may that knowledge be restored to you!
you see... james is a mutant & i am not, but we are BOTH superheroes. he has said so, & it might be true. (i know it is of him.) we're also from different planets than earth, maybe... not the same planet, but not earth, so we're in that together... anyways, i had one of those superhero-feeling moments today, & it lasted a good while... i was cresting a gigantic rock overlooking a desert valley on a last-second hike, cresting it while wearing a dress cause i'd been to a buddhist meeting earlier & didn't know i'd be hiking up mountains. i'd swapped out my sandals for these yucky crocs i had in the back of my truck & donned my texas 10-gallon & was hopping around & thinking how easy it was to climb boulders, & at MY AGE! i felt doggone lucky & also empowered... then flashed on some superheroish memories i'd not thought of in a good while.
a few yrs back i played in a large band & the band voiced that i was the band stud cause i could hear song changes & report them to the other band members so we could learn new songs beyond the standard structure. they started out by surreptitiously putting truck nuts on my truck. i cut them off. then the truck nuts showed up strapped to my keyboard stand. i didn't notice til we'd finished a gig. i was embarrassed at the time, but in retrospect, i am flattered... tho i was criticized by one band member for being "so nice," & "so sweet," in another sense, where it really mattered (musically!), i was formidable!
(i know i can be a people-pleaser, wishy-washy, moody, but when it comes to music, i know what i love & i know what i can do & if i am put on stage, i WILL kick butt because that is what i do [thank you, mom & dad, for not raising us to be doormats where our talents are concerned])... then in the early years of the best bakersfield line-up of my now-moribund band (the lineup that was most on board w/me being leader & had taken the time to learn a bunch of my originals), we were standing around one night after a show w/candye kane (who definitely is a superhero & later released a CD by that name that is KICK-ASS!!) & candye asked them, "so who IS the one bad stud in this band?" they all laughed. "jenny," said one. "yeah, jenny's the stud," said the other... i've had other feelings of studliness while in the music realm, & i know james has built his entire career on being a stud for being such a blues bad-guy or bad-a**, so tough, charming, talented, confident, authentic, & respectful of carrying on the canon... i definitely defer to james's studliness, but it was kinda nice today to remember my own moments...
ok, dang, now i gotta go clean the bathroom.
(ps - i love my husband.)
Friday, May 16, 2014
gratis
lots of meetings focus on the topic of "gratitude," & my 1st thought's always how the root is gratis -- free. my new sponsor has told me to keep a gratitude journal... it's helping! if your mood runs to the sour & you're not too hip to be cornball, you might try one! each day, it's not much of a stretch to think of 10 little things to be happy about... beyond being sober, of able body, w/basic needs met, & loving family/friends, here are my 10 right-now gratitudes:
1. clifton chenier "bayou blues," one of the 5 greatest LPs ever made!
2. flamingos "lovers never say goodbye" w/its dark, diablos-like romance & spike jones kiss moment;
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| serious times w/sister. |
4. piyo videos on youtube (develop explosive power! even if you're a vieja like me!)
5. beautiful evening walk/hike through surrounding hills fragrant of forest w/blue light magical & dreaming of pearl & jackie (tho i'm not sure if they are children or canine children at this point)...
5. made jambalaya for james & it didn't suck! in fact, he ate a bunch of it! it was tasty! when i try, i CAN cook! so touched to think of our vow & understanding & time together so dear.
6. praying & chanting for all, from those i love to those whom i have thought pond scum -- the latter are just people, too! duh! such freedom, not to worry what others are up to... do your thang, popular people!! when i see them or similars again, my job is to be a positive force, grateful for each experience.
7. everyone's our teacher -- some how to act, some how not to act. must remember the 14th dalai lama when acting/reacting.
8. i no longer wish a fatwa on people who hurt my most beloved, whether intentionally or not. karma might take care of all, or it won't -- it don't matter! his higher power will provide for him, as it will us each & all, if we heed it... and anyways, as mama has said, "living well is the best revenge."
9. wrote 3 new songs & the creative urge is still there & thank you for that, spirit from whence it comes...
10. today is maddy's graduation, & i'm excited for her present & future as well as can't wait to see family & loved ones... happy weekend!
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
blablablablablablablablablablablablabla blablablablablablabla
hey! just saw a hare hopping up the side of the mountain! its dark floppy ears & tail contrasted its wheat-colored body... i love being in nature all the time, tho the winds of late have been knocking out cell phone reception -- boooo! just came back from an interview at a local country school -- oh, hope i get something there, volunteer or paid, custodian to lunch lady to aide to teacher. i miss being in a school atmosphere, & this little school is so charming & the employees i met so down-to-earth & friendly... either way, i'm grateful to've gotten the opportunity to apply.
before the hare came along & happied everything up, i was thinking so fuddy-duddily on how un-fun it feels to be growing up... probably cause it's so late in the game! i think most folks grow up in their late teens -- not in their late 40s! it's ridiculous, really, when i think about it, tho i guess some people never grow up at all!
how silly & free & wild i was a few years ago, running around playing in a bunch of bands & driving all over the place & wearing stage clothes & makeup & going to events & being mad in love & w/o responsibility & & taking airplane trips all over the world & throwing money around like candy... but then there were the dark times, & they were really dark back then -- definitely worse than i experience now!!
the big book says by getting sober -- in this case, emotionally -- i might fear being consigned to a life that is "dull, boring & glum" -- that's what's going on for me right now! i don't wanna be a grownup & responsible & emotionally contained! the immature part thinks that means i'll lose my creativity, my life force, my eccentric identity... but the downside of staying so volatile? forget it. i'll just feel like an old fart for a while as i go through this process of change...
the answer's to stay diligent to what i've been pursuing: g.o.d., more prayer, more meditation, more uncovering, discovering, discarding. it's tough to continue cause in the last two days especially i've been realizing what a selfish ass i can be: impatient, judgmental, intellectually prideful -- that's some hard sh*t to accept! my new sponsor says it's timely to be realizing these defects, since i just finished my 5th step w/her & i now look at personal shortcomings. "now that you're starting to see them, you can start to get past them," she said, always so encouraging & loving... i'm so lucky to have her & so many other wise beautiful people in my life... but meanwhile, i want to barf when i look at how i've been behaving, when all along i thought i was so nice!!
hopeful that the more work i put in inventorying & cleaning up the store called jenny, the better store it'll be, a bright & cheery one full of useful things... my little sister angie would run w/that metaphor & would make you both laugh & nearly cry w/recognition & acknowledgment of the wisdom of her words. lalalalalala! ... now i'm thinking of my sister -- she has the combination of maturity & playfulness i want. but i know she's worked hard for it & continues to do so w/her preacher husband & best pal, that deep & friendly barrel called doug. i can look at them & know that perseverance & hard work on this will bring change. look at the dalai lama -- he still meditates three hours a day!
"we are renewed by a transformation of the mind." and
"rome was not built in a day." :)
oh, and here you go, one more -- oh my gosh! gem after gem after gem!: dalai lama quotes
before the hare came along & happied everything up, i was thinking so fuddy-duddily on how un-fun it feels to be growing up... probably cause it's so late in the game! i think most folks grow up in their late teens -- not in their late 40s! it's ridiculous, really, when i think about it, tho i guess some people never grow up at all!
how silly & free & wild i was a few years ago, running around playing in a bunch of bands & driving all over the place & wearing stage clothes & makeup & going to events & being mad in love & w/o responsibility & & taking airplane trips all over the world & throwing money around like candy... but then there were the dark times, & they were really dark back then -- definitely worse than i experience now!!
the big book says by getting sober -- in this case, emotionally -- i might fear being consigned to a life that is "dull, boring & glum" -- that's what's going on for me right now! i don't wanna be a grownup & responsible & emotionally contained! the immature part thinks that means i'll lose my creativity, my life force, my eccentric identity... but the downside of staying so volatile? forget it. i'll just feel like an old fart for a while as i go through this process of change...
the answer's to stay diligent to what i've been pursuing: g.o.d., more prayer, more meditation, more uncovering, discovering, discarding. it's tough to continue cause in the last two days especially i've been realizing what a selfish ass i can be: impatient, judgmental, intellectually prideful -- that's some hard sh*t to accept! my new sponsor says it's timely to be realizing these defects, since i just finished my 5th step w/her & i now look at personal shortcomings. "now that you're starting to see them, you can start to get past them," she said, always so encouraging & loving... i'm so lucky to have her & so many other wise beautiful people in my life... but meanwhile, i want to barf when i look at how i've been behaving, when all along i thought i was so nice!!
hopeful that the more work i put in inventorying & cleaning up the store called jenny, the better store it'll be, a bright & cheery one full of useful things... my little sister angie would run w/that metaphor & would make you both laugh & nearly cry w/recognition & acknowledgment of the wisdom of her words. lalalalalala! ... now i'm thinking of my sister -- she has the combination of maturity & playfulness i want. but i know she's worked hard for it & continues to do so w/her preacher husband & best pal, that deep & friendly barrel called doug. i can look at them & know that perseverance & hard work on this will bring change. look at the dalai lama -- he still meditates three hours a day!
"we are renewed by a transformation of the mind." and
"rome was not built in a day." :)
oh, and here you go, one more -- oh my gosh! gem after gem after gem!: dalai lama quotes
Monday, May 12, 2014
Four Dogs Praying Before Dinner (Japan)
videos of dogs playing piano: ... one of the videos mentions an astounding claim that deserves a loud OMG! here is a short article on the topic: dogs have perfect pitch
WOW!!!!
i hope we get a dog or dogs soon. angie used to say, "dogs are proof of god." dad would say, "they are like children that never get any smarter." such love; such loyalty; such companionship; and, apparently, such musical aptitude!
WOW!!!!
i hope we get a dog or dogs soon. angie used to say, "dogs are proof of god." dad would say, "they are like children that never get any smarter." such love; such loyalty; such companionship; and, apparently, such musical aptitude!
"i am dissatisfied, and i want it to be your fault" - sonny boy williamson
procrastinating & continuing to fail are much easier when i can blame you. if you -- or my job/lack of, or where i live/don't live, or anything external -- are not my problem, i'm forced to look at myself. crap! i don't want to look at myself! -- not my faults & defects, that is... dorking around online, presenting a cultivated image of me on social networking sites, presenting a persona when in public, that's different; i like all that cause no one -- including me -- gets near the real me that way. if you really knew me, you'd reject me, goes my thinking -- & if i have frustration, anger, upset, if i don't succeed or accomplish what i'm supposed to, it is your fault, not mine! do i want to admit deep-down i might be the cause of my own problems -- that i'm scared, angry, lonely, selfish, jealous, depressed, worried about failure & mortality, that i can't control what you do or think, that i'm filled up w/deadly sins? no way!
it takes a lot of courage, i think, to drop the rock & admit powerlessness, to admit defeat, surrender to a force much wiser & greater than i am, then have to find the humility to admit my defects so i can start to be free of them... only then can i start taking responsibility for myself & learn to grow up. that's what i think, anyways, of people i know who give up & embrace a new, positive life of recovery from whatever is replacing god -- obsession w/others, drink, drugs, eating disorder, video games, violence, whatever external that's giving me that temporary feeling of being ok, even transcended. one definition i read of surrender is "to give up & go to the winning side." i add to that, i must drop my weapons. (no, i've never been to war, & i've not even held a firearm in probably 25 years, but i can understand that analogy well enough, i think...)
i'm no frigging saint at all when it comes to emotional surrender, but i know i'm gonna keep trying. the big book says my very life depends on my constant thought of others, how to best meet their needs -- i believe this assumes i've already worked the steps, been shed of judgment & resentment & excuses, & therefore am fit to be of service. it also says my serenity is directly proportionate to my acceptance of the world AS IT IS.
if i can't accept you just the way you are, not only am i not loving & growing, i'm living in fantasy land, ripe to fall back into the rotten world of illusion, pipe dream, &, for me, failure.
at a recent meeting, a woman shared that she was complaining about something or other & her sponsor said, let me see your hands. the woman showed them. sponsor said, i don't see any nail holes.
"there are no victims -- only volunteers."
(i wrote this for me & for you, whomever you are reading it. may it be helpful!)
it takes a lot of courage, i think, to drop the rock & admit powerlessness, to admit defeat, surrender to a force much wiser & greater than i am, then have to find the humility to admit my defects so i can start to be free of them... only then can i start taking responsibility for myself & learn to grow up. that's what i think, anyways, of people i know who give up & embrace a new, positive life of recovery from whatever is replacing god -- obsession w/others, drink, drugs, eating disorder, video games, violence, whatever external that's giving me that temporary feeling of being ok, even transcended. one definition i read of surrender is "to give up & go to the winning side." i add to that, i must drop my weapons. (no, i've never been to war, & i've not even held a firearm in probably 25 years, but i can understand that analogy well enough, i think...)
i'm no frigging saint at all when it comes to emotional surrender, but i know i'm gonna keep trying. the big book says my very life depends on my constant thought of others, how to best meet their needs -- i believe this assumes i've already worked the steps, been shed of judgment & resentment & excuses, & therefore am fit to be of service. it also says my serenity is directly proportionate to my acceptance of the world AS IT IS.
if i can't accept you just the way you are, not only am i not loving & growing, i'm living in fantasy land, ripe to fall back into the rotten world of illusion, pipe dream, &, for me, failure.
at a recent meeting, a woman shared that she was complaining about something or other & her sponsor said, let me see your hands. the woman showed them. sponsor said, i don't see any nail holes.
"there are no victims -- only volunteers."
(i wrote this for me & for you, whomever you are reading it. may it be helpful!)
Sunday, May 11, 2014
my cuppeth run over
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| a swell day of happiness & hamburgers. |
always remember: when you're in a bag of sh*t, the zipper's on the inside. (texas stacy, r.i.p.)
you can't make chicken salad out of chicken sh*t. (aunty rita)
sometimes peanuts, sometimes shells. (uncle henry, r.i.p.)
the lord has great things in store for you & james! (brother doug)
keep me green so i may grow. (mud, r.i.p.)
you can't drink! you're a sober soldier! now get out there & start savin' lives! (clancy o)
i believe in you.
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| "someday, son, all of this will be yours." - gilbert the great |
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| Mom&Dad &Mrs. Hughes, doing what they do so well: good works. |
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| Three of my favorite people on earth - hat from Big Manny. |
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Friday, May 09, 2014
quite fun. blablabla.
just try a few & see if you don't enjoy them... i bet you will...
love reading the NYer magazine for its cartoons, cheap subscription price, subject matter, but also bc doing so increases vocabulary. yesterday, lachrymose, disconsolate, obdurate, & the ridiculous rest, i found myself taking one of my anti-anxiety pills i so rarely take & it knocked me out so hard, today i've been capable of little more than keeping myself conscious... i'd be out like rip van winkle, were i to take more than the doctor-approved dose -- or worse!
kinda depressing being this way, all dumb-headed & drooling-noodlish-supine, but then the above website popped up & perked me back up.
took the SAT about 100 years ago, performing abysmally in math (to do better would've required study, which i assiduously DID NOT), but landing a 99%ile in language. i think that 99%ile's been my lifetime crowning test feat, tho must remember i AM a "1st world" person raised in libraries -- free entertainment, mom & dad wisely realized, affording us access to the entire world on a zero budget! -- therefore demographically more likely to kick butt on standardized tests, written by/for people like me... so can't get a big head about it!
but if only the world were a standardized test... i'd be a queen!
w/in the world's languages, there's a word for most all phenomena (it's a rabbit- or wormhole of exploration, this topic/field)... so grateful to sit here in a lightweight's clouded stupor, brain disabled by a devilish, tiny powerhouse of a pill, yet able to gain words.
for instance, whereas scrooge initially was not given to eleemosynary impulses, our parents -- of whom we are so proud & will honor sunday -- definitely ARE.
in 46 years, i'd never seen such a word. in appearance, likely cause i'm kinda loaded on this little pill, it reminds me of the movie the grand budapest hotel... what a nice day, if just for that word & that silly association...
(ps - here's another fun website)
(and pps - always remember a word a day)
(ppps - i edit & revise these entries incessantly obsessively ad nauseum, almost, cause for me it's fun & also i keep thinking the more i contemplate & reconfigure my words & thoughts, maybe in some crude alchemy i'll get closer to the Truth of Things... do you do that, too, in writing or ruminating or in your own way?)
"ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. for every one who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." (matthew 7:7-8)
james, this link is for you and this one, too, honey (and anyone else who is interested, of course...)
love reading the NYer magazine for its cartoons, cheap subscription price, subject matter, but also bc doing so increases vocabulary. yesterday, lachrymose, disconsolate, obdurate, & the ridiculous rest, i found myself taking one of my anti-anxiety pills i so rarely take & it knocked me out so hard, today i've been capable of little more than keeping myself conscious... i'd be out like rip van winkle, were i to take more than the doctor-approved dose -- or worse!
kinda depressing being this way, all dumb-headed & drooling-noodlish-supine, but then the above website popped up & perked me back up.
took the SAT about 100 years ago, performing abysmally in math (to do better would've required study, which i assiduously DID NOT), but landing a 99%ile in language. i think that 99%ile's been my lifetime crowning test feat, tho must remember i AM a "1st world" person raised in libraries -- free entertainment, mom & dad wisely realized, affording us access to the entire world on a zero budget! -- therefore demographically more likely to kick butt on standardized tests, written by/for people like me... so can't get a big head about it!
but if only the world were a standardized test... i'd be a queen!
w/in the world's languages, there's a word for most all phenomena (it's a rabbit- or wormhole of exploration, this topic/field)... so grateful to sit here in a lightweight's clouded stupor, brain disabled by a devilish, tiny powerhouse of a pill, yet able to gain words.
for instance, whereas scrooge initially was not given to eleemosynary impulses, our parents -- of whom we are so proud & will honor sunday -- definitely ARE.
in 46 years, i'd never seen such a word. in appearance, likely cause i'm kinda loaded on this little pill, it reminds me of the movie the grand budapest hotel... what a nice day, if just for that word & that silly association...
(ps - here's another fun website)
(and pps - always remember a word a day)
(ppps - i edit & revise these entries incessantly obsessively ad nauseum, almost, cause for me it's fun & also i keep thinking the more i contemplate & reconfigure my words & thoughts, maybe in some crude alchemy i'll get closer to the Truth of Things... do you do that, too, in writing or ruminating or in your own way?)
"ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. for every one who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." (matthew 7:7-8)
james, this link is for you and this one, too, honey (and anyone else who is interested, of course...)
Thursday, May 08, 2014
there are two kinds of people in this world...
(dualistic thinking sometimes provides satisfying shorthand for the complicated world of emotions although in the end, such thinking is problematic, creating "you" versus "me.")
... users & givers.
...my kind of people and a**holes. (pink flamingos)
... people who have accomplished things and people who claim to have accomplished things. the first group is less crowded. (mark twain)
... people who like good music & people who like bad music. (me)
... those with loaded guns & those who dig. (unforgiven)
... two kinds of failures: those who thought and never did, & those who did & never thought. (l.j. peters)
_________________
a poem (dan pink):
Those who make your life easier — and those who make it harder.
Those whose presence helps you perform better — and those whose presence makes you do worse.
Those concerned about doing the work — and those concerned about getting the credit.
Those who leave you feeling up — and those who leave you feeling down.
Those who simplify — and those who complicate.
Those who listen when others are talking — and those who wait when others are talking.
Those who give — and those who take.
Those who last — and those who fade.
Which are you?
_____________________________
... karma ultimately will settle all of this,
although i am learning that one can change one's own karma.
so if you're a user, an a**hole, the one w/the loaded gun, or some other negative type listed above, you don't have to stay that way unless you want to. (james: definition of "coward" and "hero" - they are the same, but the hero keeps going, even though afraid)
... users & givers.
...my kind of people and a**holes. (pink flamingos)
... people who have accomplished things and people who claim to have accomplished things. the first group is less crowded. (mark twain)
... people who like good music & people who like bad music. (me)
... those with loaded guns & those who dig. (unforgiven)
... two kinds of failures: those who thought and never did, & those who did & never thought. (l.j. peters)
_________________
a poem (dan pink):
Those who make your life easier — and those who make it harder.
Those whose presence helps you perform better — and those whose presence makes you do worse.
Those concerned about doing the work — and those concerned about getting the credit.
Those who leave you feeling up — and those who leave you feeling down.
Those who simplify — and those who complicate.
Those who listen when others are talking — and those who wait when others are talking.
Those who give — and those who take.
Those who last — and those who fade.
Which are you?
_____________________________
... karma ultimately will settle all of this,
although i am learning that one can change one's own karma.
so if you're a user, an a**hole, the one w/the loaded gun, or some other negative type listed above, you don't have to stay that way unless you want to. (james: definition of "coward" and "hero" - they are the same, but the hero keeps going, even though afraid)
Monday, May 05, 2014
Sister Rosetta Tharpe - Down By the Riverside
was gonna title this entry "strange things happening every day," then post a video of sister rosetta doing that song, but couldn't find footage of her performing it -- elsewhere on this blog is the iconic film of her doing "let it rain" & again, youtube: what a wonderful resource! it right now features the documentary of SRT that aired on PBS. wow! anyways, strange & wonderful things have been happening, perhaps coincidence or perhaps activated by all the positive energy of the weekend, during which i met so many unconditionally loving, generous-spirited, happy people, my faith in humankind & the universal good was very much strengthened... this weekend, my buddhist hostess, mentor, & friend jackie told me, in so many words, that when a person starts [a positive practice], the universe begins to shift & events can become unsettled, but that the end result will be improvement all-around, even victory in life.
- i have felt uncomfortable w/terms like that, ones suggesting to me battle or competition, but i've been trying them on, & guess what? small miracle after miracle have been happening. i came up to the mountain to continue making room for two and... today, buford, or black dog, whom i've not seen since right before james & i got married, came bounding & slobbering up, wearing a big doggy smile. long-lost buford! there he was! i went to the post office & was told i owed payment for a package. "they do that when they return a stolen wallet," the lady said.
- "the last wallet i had stolen was over a year & a half ago," i said, feeling pleasantly, mildly unsettled, "the day after i got married..."
- i paid, she handed me the package, & an uncanny kind of chill ran through me: i ripped open the envelope. it was my stolen wallet from 2012, containing things i thought i'd never see again: picture of james from our courting months, my sobriety coins, other mementos, my credit card, my old id. coolest of all to find was a receipt from the stateline primm, nv casino, which was the last gambling place james & i stopped after getting married in las vegas.
- at the thrift store, i had bought a pillowcase, sweatshirt for me, & some shorts for james. hmm, thought i, i'm on a roll here. i've never found money in used clothes in my over 2 decades thrift shopping, but wonder if there's any in here? i reached in the cargo pocket of the shorts & out came green cash money.
- whatever's going on, i hope it continues, but if not, that's ok, too. nam-myoho-renge-kyo.
- i have felt uncomfortable w/terms like that, ones suggesting to me battle or competition, but i've been trying them on, & guess what? small miracle after miracle have been happening. i came up to the mountain to continue making room for two and... today, buford, or black dog, whom i've not seen since right before james & i got married, came bounding & slobbering up, wearing a big doggy smile. long-lost buford! there he was! i went to the post office & was told i owed payment for a package. "they do that when they return a stolen wallet," the lady said.
- "the last wallet i had stolen was over a year & a half ago," i said, feeling pleasantly, mildly unsettled, "the day after i got married..."
- i paid, she handed me the package, & an uncanny kind of chill ran through me: i ripped open the envelope. it was my stolen wallet from 2012, containing things i thought i'd never see again: picture of james from our courting months, my sobriety coins, other mementos, my credit card, my old id. coolest of all to find was a receipt from the stateline primm, nv casino, which was the last gambling place james & i stopped after getting married in las vegas.
- at the thrift store, i had bought a pillowcase, sweatshirt for me, & some shorts for james. hmm, thought i, i'm on a roll here. i've never found money in used clothes in my over 2 decades thrift shopping, but wonder if there's any in here? i reached in the cargo pocket of the shorts & out came green cash money.
- whatever's going on, i hope it continues, but if not, that's ok, too. nam-myoho-renge-kyo.
Friday, May 02, 2014
another day, another blahblahblah
thank you to the commenter below who asked about my tina turner song! inspired, today i eked out a recording of the song, then went nuts & recorded a whole bunch, then got out my snare & the guitar & even my old flute! the song requested below (thank you AGAIN!!!) sounds more little richard than tina turner, which is plenty cool by me! i used an old version of audacity and $3 micromophone that has historical memory for james & me. back at the beginning of 2009, i recorded a song idea for him using it while i sat at the window on the 2nd story of the house i lived in with my 1st husband, gazing out on the bright green, gigantic leaves of the catalpa tree there & croaking like a fool. at that time, i'd never even met james! he had sent me a brief email saying that he "dug" my song "the bride of frankenstein"... that was all i needed: i listened to some of his music, got a song idea, & w/just enough voice after laryngitis, recorded it & sent it to him. he told me he thought, upon getting it, "who IS this woman?" cause with my typical combination of bravado, fear, & desire to get things done yesterday, i scatted & sang the whole song into the cheap mike a cappella, which no sane person would do when submitting a song idea to a complete stranger, especially one of musical reputation like whiteboy james... it actually sounds rather cool, listening to it again... examples of such foolhardiness in my life both make me proud & scare me... ((shudder)).. i've dropkicked & stepped on the microphone-headset since then, so today's recordings have a nice loud monitor-y buzz on them, adding to the verisimilitude of the home recording experience (harharhar)... i couldn't figure out why my drum parts kept coming off time over & over ad nauseum... then i realized my old version of audacity was messed up & could no longer properly track more than one track at a time & therefore really no longer is a multitrack recording program at all! but rather than upload the new audacity, i just played the drum part FORWARD, even off the beat forward... which again, no sane person would do! but it was fun... then i assembled all the james songs together & there are TWENTY on this computer! so i imagine next i'll put some up here, but what i really want is to give them to him, since he was my muse & i'd've not written the songs, were it not for him. :) anyways, tomorrow i get my buddhist scroll & celebrate donna's birthday, then sunday i "get" to do my 5th step... prayers to loved ones for happiness, ease, freedom, & a sense of safety. what i want for me, i want for you, & i'm praying, too, for the ones i don't want to pray for cause we're all in this together & statistics show 100% of us are going to wind up the same way, so that makes us all brothers & sisters in this wild ride, running full steam to the end... byebye, family! :D
Thursday, May 01, 2014
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my dumb adventure for this evening: found a rather interesting-looking job online & was going to apply, but then had to update my paypal cause that's how they do payroll, & on a whim i got into an email folder about financial & work stuff & saw a query i'd sent asking where i could get the status of my teaching credentials, thinking to myself, oh, i have one more year before i have to renew, but i'll go look, anyways... and i went to the site and saw that my two precious teaching credentials... expire... today....
aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
my teaching career flashed before my eyes. the many many years as student & teacher flashed before my eyes!! noooo!!! i haven't taught in several years by choice, but this early retirement is over! i want to work again!! i must work again!! i miss students & meaningful work!!
heart pounding, i calmly slowed my eyeballs down so i could read & noted that my credentials would not expire til midnight. oh, thank godinheavenjesusbuddhaallahjehovahgreatspirituniverse oh thank you!!
then i went thru the application process, trying to not freak out & read things wrong: ever had a felony, ever been dismissed for this & that, signed the affidavit swearing allegiance to the constitution of the united states, went to pay, entered credit card info, & it said my card was declined.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
went to bank website & it said i had money, so called dad & asked if i could use his credit card & as he started to recite the numbers, the phone call dropped. FOUR TIMES!!!!
finally got the info from dad, who was by then both a bit perturbed & anxious, entered his card info. it said HIS card was declined.
i thought, wait a minute: mine might be fruity... but DAD'S card would NOT be declined!! so i pushed "accept" & it went through & my credentials were renewed with 90 minutes to spare. it was the stupid payment website! i thought with great sympathy of all the teachers across california, trying to renew their credentials tonight, being told their cards were declined due to the payment website glitch. poor teachers!!
earlier i was talking w/dad, who is an atheist, yet someone i consider to be extremely spiritual, just inherently so... he gave me his theory that there is no time because there is only change & time is but a measure of observed change & then we discussed whether inanimate objects & the universe contain "good" & etc & it probably was the closest to an epistemological conversation dad & i've ever had... but after the timing of this evening's coincidences, i must say, dad, there must be a god!!
and because of that, i remain this evening a credentialed teacher of grades k-12 in the state of california. :)
aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
my teaching career flashed before my eyes. the many many years as student & teacher flashed before my eyes!! noooo!!! i haven't taught in several years by choice, but this early retirement is over! i want to work again!! i must work again!! i miss students & meaningful work!!
heart pounding, i calmly slowed my eyeballs down so i could read & noted that my credentials would not expire til midnight. oh, thank godinheavenjesusbuddhaallahjehovahgreatspirituniverse oh thank you!!
then i went thru the application process, trying to not freak out & read things wrong: ever had a felony, ever been dismissed for this & that, signed the affidavit swearing allegiance to the constitution of the united states, went to pay, entered credit card info, & it said my card was declined.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
went to bank website & it said i had money, so called dad & asked if i could use his credit card & as he started to recite the numbers, the phone call dropped. FOUR TIMES!!!!
finally got the info from dad, who was by then both a bit perturbed & anxious, entered his card info. it said HIS card was declined.
i thought, wait a minute: mine might be fruity... but DAD'S card would NOT be declined!! so i pushed "accept" & it went through & my credentials were renewed with 90 minutes to spare. it was the stupid payment website! i thought with great sympathy of all the teachers across california, trying to renew their credentials tonight, being told their cards were declined due to the payment website glitch. poor teachers!!
earlier i was talking w/dad, who is an atheist, yet someone i consider to be extremely spiritual, just inherently so... he gave me his theory that there is no time because there is only change & time is but a measure of observed change & then we discussed whether inanimate objects & the universe contain "good" & etc & it probably was the closest to an epistemological conversation dad & i've ever had... but after the timing of this evening's coincidences, i must say, dad, there must be a god!!
and because of that, i remain this evening a credentialed teacher of grades k-12 in the state of california. :)
your love sets my soul on fire / you could be my one desire...
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| (i wonder if there's a TT workout video?) |
i just learned that tina turner is 5'4", like i am -- so her legs can't be THAT much longer than mine! ok, after the meeting tonight, i'm gonna lift weights & do about 1000 squats. maybe in middle & old age i'll have courage to wear short sleeves or (gasp) even go sleeveless! or nah, i'll stick w/what i like... but swingy fringe minis? that might feel fun tacky glamorous...
(by the way, my husband james knew ike turner...)
just found this cool graph: "During a time of girl groups, chiffon and bouffants, there were few ladies rocking as hard as Miss Tina Turner or looking as good doing it. High energy performances coupled with powerhouse rock vocals turned everybody on. Short fringe skirts, high heels and long legs became her trademark and her rock n roll sex appeal is still in tact [sic] to this day. Her very public private life was so fascinating and terrible that no one could look away. And no one wanted to, on account of how hot Tina Turner was." (plasticsgirls.com)
How Meditation Can Reshape Our Brains: Sara Lazar at TEDxCambridge 2011
the part about rats & the amygdala really struck me. i also like her non-slick presentation, her nerdy & sincere desire to transmit information for the greater good.
i'd do well
to always, always, always listen to my mother and father.
i have so much to absorb from them while we all are here.
i must listen hard & then remember.
i have so much to absorb from them while we all are here.
i must listen hard & then remember.
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