hey! just saw a hare hopping up the side of the mountain! its dark floppy ears & tail contrasted its wheat-colored body... i love being in nature all the time, tho the winds of late have been knocking out cell phone reception -- boooo! just came back from an interview at a local country school -- oh, hope i get something there, volunteer or paid, custodian to lunch lady to aide to teacher. i miss being in a school atmosphere, & this little school is so charming & the employees i met so down-to-earth & friendly... either way, i'm grateful to've gotten the opportunity to apply.
before the hare came along & happied everything up, i was thinking so fuddy-duddily on how un-fun it feels to be growing up... probably cause it's so late in the game! i think most folks grow up in their late teens -- not in their late 40s! it's ridiculous, really, when i think about it, tho i guess some people never grow up at all!
how silly & free & wild i was a few years ago, running around playing in a bunch of bands & driving all over the place & wearing stage clothes & makeup & going to events & being mad
in love & w/o responsibility & & taking airplane trips all over the world & throwing money around like candy... but then there were the dark times, & they were really dark back then -- definitely worse than i experience now!!
the big book says by getting sober -- in this case, emotionally -- i might fear being consigned to a life that is "dull, boring & glum" -- that's what's going on for me right now! i don't wanna be a grownup & responsible & emotionally contained! the immature part thinks that means i'll lose my creativity, my life force, my eccentric identity... but the downside of staying so volatile? forget it. i'll just feel like an old fart for a while as i go through this process of change...
the answer's to stay diligent to what i've been pursuing: g.o.d., more prayer, more meditation, more uncovering, discovering, discarding. it's tough to continue cause in the last two days especially i've been realizing what a selfish ass i can be: impatient, judgmental, intellectually prideful -- that's some hard sh*t to accept! my new sponsor says it's timely to be realizing these defects, since i just finished my 5th step w/her & i now look at personal shortcomings. "now that you're starting to see them, you can start to get past them," she said, always so encouraging & loving... i'm so lucky to have her & so many other wise beautiful people in my life... but meanwhile, i want to barf when i look at how i've been behaving, when all along i thought i was so nice!!
hopeful that the more work i put in inventorying & cleaning up the store called jenny, the better store it'll be, a bright & cheery one full of useful things... my little sister angie would run w/that metaphor & would make you both laugh & nearly cry w/recognition & acknowledgment of the wisdom of her words. lalalalalala! ... now i'm thinking of my sister -- she has the combination of maturity & playfulness i want. but i know she's worked hard for it & continues to do so w/her preacher husband & best pal, that deep & friendly barrel called doug. i can look at them & know that perseverance & hard work on this will bring change. look at the dalai lama -- he still meditates three hours a day!
"we are renewed by a transformation of the mind." and
"rome was not built in a day." :)
oh, and here you go, one more -- oh my gosh! gem after gem after gem!: dalai lama quotes
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