Thursday, November 28, 2013

so full...

what a golden problem, wanting to eat more due to all the delicious food in this house, yet being so full i can't fit one more bite in my mouth. this was the best thanksgiving ever, tho we didn't get to the pie run. james's new snazzy shoes of last night put the hurt on one of his feet & therefore would've impeded his running stride, anyways. we got into bakersfield at 5:10 am & the run was to start at 6 am & we were exhausted & it was cold outside, so oh well... yesterday's harp blowdown in long beach was pretty cool, co-hosted by james & bubba jackson. i did will call/tickets w/jill from oc marketplace & decided tho i liked cheering at people who came in & seeing various smiling faces & even organizing stacks of tickets & lists in front of me, i don't wanna do that job anymore cause i didn't see much of the show & james & i missed each other for the part of the show when we couldn't hang out cause of our respective tasks... i was thinking it'd be like at a stage play where you do will call til curtain time, then close down til intermission. (billy watson laughed w/recognition when i confessed this error.) i would've loved to see billy play, but there'll be a next time, i think. as-is, i got to stand sidestage w/my handsome husband & watch rick estrin's set up til he left the stage & let his young band take over, able & talented musicians, but not eccentric, dapper, funny & classy rick estrin... james was greeted with love & hugs & backslaps all night long; people were confused, even bewildered, & certainly very disappointed that he was emceeing but not playing music! over & over & over, fans & friends wailed, "you're not PLAYING?? why not??" ... anyways, james looked like a million bucks & came over from backstage to visit me at will call at one pt, his eyes full of light, happy to be seeing so many, many old friends, musician & non... we lit out in the mid of night & i hit the most comfortable bed in the world here at mom & dad's while james took pix of the night sky w/his new camera. today has been a wonderful & happy scene of family, family, family, most of blood, many of choice, & the bustle of preparing the cheery house for thanksgiving, then plate after plate of delicious food over loud & loving conversation & playing music at the piano as various ppl rotated in to sing, me crying some while cousin mary frances sang or just at the touching heartfelt lyrics of some carols, then james singing a bit, then the "thanksgiving bocce bowl," as cousin mitchell called it, w/doug & james howling & yelling & cracking everyone up for hours, the two hyper, hilarious, loving brothers-in-law putting on a show all the time to entertain us all... then we played some board games & sat around some more & visited & caught up & rested & now i'm still too full to eat another bite. that's not just a golden problem, i now realize, but a luxury one. if you had enough to eat today, like me, be thankful.
... appreciation to jimmy lee for the photo above...

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

"we have been cured from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body…"

- there's this thing called emotional equilibrium that is like that part of a dream where you can see something in the distance, but can't ever reach it… i've been feeling all over the place: whee! sob! wah! (with gratitude, with sadness, etc) argh! hahahhaa! sigh! etc… i initially never know how to reconcile a world in which one minute i am happy with warm thoughts of christmas & the next, sickened & unable to clear images from my head after glimpsing online reference to a "man" who [i have erased what he did bc it is too revolting; this pathetic excuse for a human is no "man" for what he did, & why are women so often on the receiving end of disgusting violence????]... what is a person with any feelings supposed to do in such an insane world??
- i know dad long ago decided the middle path was the way… i know highly emotional people who take meds to gentle the ride… then some self-medicate… then some just give up.
yes, it's a crazy, mixed-up world. i know the brave & wise way is to shoot for the middle, letting events roll off one's back like water off a duck, but man…
- anyways, i hated even to mention the horrid monster who committed the above act (not to mention, come to think of it, the piece of sh*t who videoed the murder!!!!), but i hope voicing it'll help me be rid of that mental picture. i know the world's filled with suffering… but a video of a particularly atrociously vile pig in action?? why is that online???? (no, i didn't watch it; that it exists is heartbreaking enough.)
- i have one of those visual minds that replays bad scenes, even ones imagined. are you like that, too??? i obsess & obsess & obsess: the big book calls it the "magic, magnifying mind." another passage: "we must be careful not to drift into morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to ourselves and others"… glad to be reminded of that centering phrase. it does make total sense. i'm no good to anyone when caught in the horror movies in my mind… better to play a song, or meditate, or try to help someone, or read, or exercise, or talk to a trusted friend or loved one, or go to a meeting. i am grateful right now for tools & the sometimes-wherewithal to use them, even with a soul crushed repeatedly at news of the suffering of fellow humans, especially other women in this viciously patriarchal world…
- good heavens. what now? a person who knows much at all about this world must be brave, callous, or well-balanced to survive day by day, i think...
[20 minutes later…]
- where there is dark, there is light: james just called & he bore good news. in fact, potentially huge, gigantosaurusly enormous good news may on the horizon… be you a prayer or not, thank you for sending him kind thoughts!
- btw, if you wish to watch something really, really cool, look up online orson welles' paris interview, & additionally, the BBC special about him that was published in the early '80s. both are fascinating. welles didn't go to college; he cast aside a scholarship to harvard to instead travel the world. he was a self-made genius, a misunderstood maverick, an articulate & (in later life) self-effacing & thoughtful renaissance man… there's another tool for combatting the blues of the world: learn about interesting people, their words & their lives!
- there's a bunch of other good stuff coming up, too, actually, like the harp blowdown tomorrow, wednesday, at the golden sails on pch in long beach, ca. james will co-host with bubba jackson of kkjz. he says it's an enormous event. this'll be my first time attending (& working); all i know is, i love the suit he's gonna wear tomorrow night! after that, we load up & head for bakersfield in dead of night. we're gonna do the turkey trot or phantom pie run or whatever its name is at 6 am on thanksgiving morning out at hart park! yaaaaaaaaay!!!! then is thanksgiving with the ginormous family & then next week at harvelle's, my dear old friend manuel is going to be the special guest for the kid ramos benefit. i hope to get a poster soon to put up here... i think that's about it except that i got a part-time job & i'm so happy: didn't realize how much i missed working, fulfilling a purpose in that way. the ppl there are hard-working & friendly; it's a very sociable & bustling place & i'm grateful to get to pretend i'm a human being & learn new skills while there… well, that's it for now except that hope you watch & enjoy our silly lovely stupid christmasy video below & if the boogy man jumps up on you, brush him aside & keep going forward.

it's christmas time in the city

hope you like our video. silver bells - whiteboy james & jenny page

Sunday, November 24, 2013

"all right, mr. demille, i'm ready for my close-up…"

- james has this great camera & crap, you almost can see our corpuscles here!
- that reminds me of the classroom scene from "monkey business":
groucho: what is a corpuscle?
chico: that's easy. first is a captain, then is a lieutenant, then is a corpuscle.
groucho: why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
- that reminds me of one of most clever musical rhymes this side of chuck berry:
louis jordan: if you're a p-v-t, your duty / is to salute to l-i-e-u-t... (g.i. jive)
- i could go on, but i won't.

the boob tube

last night my husband wasn't feeling well so we did something unusual & lay in bed & watched the roku. we don't watch much tv, tho i think james used to watch more & i've gone thru periods of indulging in the boob tube. when you don't watch much tv & then you do, it can be pretty fun, like going to an amusement park. well, maybe not that fun, but kinda fun, even sometimes pretty fun, you know??
 the problem is,  i often quickly realize that no matter how many channels, there is NOTHING TO WATCH, or what options there are are brain- or soul-rotting. forget it!!!
our folks purchased a roku 3 & have been really happy w/it. roku 3 gives them endless nerd educational tv viewing options. my roku 1, the cheapest model, too, of course, has less such programming possibilities, but i'm happy enough w/it cause if i had more viewing options, i'd just sit on my butt & watch more tv instead of being active in my own life.
in my family, when we were kids, we were restricted to 1 hour a day of tv, & before that, it was 2 hrs a week, seems to me; i remember our parents having my sister & i go through the tv listings in the newspaper to plan what we'd watch, then we'd show it to them & they'd circle "our shows" & put them on the fridge. unimaginable today, maybe! - at the least, highly unusual, tho maybe it was back then, too!… i recall when i was a teacher that the few children who watched little tv were the more imaginative, even unusually imaginative students.
that's kind of a big "duh," now that i think about it: of course, they were!
so maybe mom & dad were right to keep us off the dummy box. i know there are mutants like james, who probably could have spent 24 hrs a day in front of the tv & still turned out unusually imaginative, but for average kids like me, we didn't need that stupefying influence… yes, i think what saved me was reading: i know our main family activity was going to the library, which of course was free! we were poor, so thank goodness mom & dad were bibliophiles: instead of lamenting about how poor we were, they'd just take us to the library twice a week!
anyways, that's sure a sign of getting older, isn't it?, endlessly reminiscing about one's childhood...
james & i, laying there on his sickbed, tried to find, with not much luck, the charlie brown holiday shows from our early '70s youth, then watched some videos about ultra runners such as dean karnazes & the tarahumara of mexico's sierra madres, then a piece about the grueling badwater ultra in death valley. lunacy! then we struck gold, stumbling upon the orson welles' paris interview. wow! the show lost audio about half through, which can be a problem when running a roku in a household filled with other internet-dependent devices, so i found a near-three hour show about welles & we started on that one.
tried to make it as far as "touch of evil," my favorite welles movie, but fell asleep when they'd barely gotten to "lady from shanghai." then i had a stupid nightmare in which james jumped from a 4-story platform as i watched! then i couldn't find him & one of our friends was telling me, "you know james: he probably faked it to get attention!!" i woke up still trying to find him & there he was in the bed, snoring calmly. i was mad for a minute, realizing the dream had come from something i'd seen in the welles biography, the penultimate scene in "the stranger" (SPOILER ALERT) where welles's nazi villain is impaled upon the clock tower soldier's sword & falls to his death.
damn dreams!!!
the upswing is, i got to cuddle up with my husband for a while, that is until middle-aged aches & pains & desire for coffee forced me to leave that warm bed.

Saturday, November 23, 2013


our cousin mary frances posted this article on facebook.  i was drawn to the disconcerting image of the teenaged boy in repose, his face looking as if he's in an anxious dream: is he… dead??
if you are not moved by this article, well… … heck, i don't know what to say.
last night i was blubbering, too, 1st while james & i watched the movie "the dallas buyers club," then after finishing rabbi harold kushner's "living a life that matters." this slim book had the biggest impact on my spirit since i read "man's search for meaning" by viktor frankl many, many years ago. i could go on & on about its main ideas: god having twin aspects, a mother's love (unconditional) & father's (earned); struggle being what makes us human, our human task (that's what i wrote in my thesis years back, come to think of it - certainly not a unique idea, but not one i remember commonly when i'm kicking myself for being human); the "seductive pleasure of getting even;" integrity; and, finally, what DOES ultimately make us matter, most all of us who'll never find cure for disease or lead a nation or have a tv show or be rich or famous or of renowned respect or even infamous…
here are the final paragraphs of the book, which i so urge you to read:
"…in the final analysis, the key to my immortality, the reassurance that my life has mattered and was not lived in vain, is not that different from the key to yours or anyone else's. i find it in the work i have done, the acts of kindness i have performed, the love i have given and the love i have received, the people who will smile when they remember me, and the children and grandchildren through whom my name and memory will be perpetuated. i have cherished, and i would commend to you, the words of ralph waldo emerson: 'to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived -- that is to have succeeded.'
"The Talmud records this exchange between two of the sages:
"'our ancestor jacob never died.'
"'how can you say that? The Bible describes him as dying in egypt and being buried in hebron.'
"'a good person, even in death, is still alive.'"

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

"they're coming to get you, barbara…"

just felt like writing that.
this desktop is sticky. probably with foodstuff. i believe i know who the culprit to be...
today as i wait for music tonight at harvelle's, i have gone for a job interview, taken back the rental car, talked to family, put on some laundry, goofed around online, spent far too long chopping things up to put in the crockpot for potato soup.
when i was a kid/teen (oh, i'm sure this is reiteration on this blog: oh well), making-dinner-time was my piano practice time. years ago, aunty rita gave me a refrigerator magnet that read "i kiss better than i cook."
i'm not sure that's true, tho it's a tad giggle-worthy, still...
the secret is…….ssssshhhhhh……. i am able to cook. i just prefer not to. but sometimes, like when there's a bunch of foodstuff laying around & i know i can fulfill that particular niche/task & promote the cause here (family unit), i cook something. i take little pleasure in washing the food, chopping it up, arranging it, putting it on stovetop/in oven/in crockpot/microwave/etc, having to pay sufficient attn that it doesn't burn or boil over or set the domicile on fire. then comes the task of cleaning up after cooking (actually, i like that part best). there are at least 20 things i'd rather do! so i treat cooking like washing the car or vacuuming or going to the dmv or paying bills or some other tedious  but important-in-a-reasonably-civilized-life task…
i know that cooking is considered to be an art, evidenced by the way mama & angie cook as well as  many others i know in civilian life here, & people who cook, like people who garden, create for others' pleasure & are therefore generous artists, & i know that chefs & cooks who've achieved celebrity, well, many of them are quite interesting, even fascinating! that reminds me: i should finish julia child's book, where she speaks a bit about having been a british spy… see? fascinating! who'da thunk?
anyways, the soup is cooking right now & i had pb toast & coconut juice & now i'm wondering: what else shall i read? what's playing at the gym? wonder if there're any good meetings today?
this really isn't such a bad life, this chapter.
onward & upward! may you be grand.

Monday, November 18, 2013


don't usually take codeine cause it makes me retch, but i took a 1/2 here at the folks' house cause my neck's all stoved up, contrary to what my salty aunty rita said, not cause of anything fun. my chest feels funny & throat cottony & tight, but my neck's not hurting like it was & i don't feel any barfy feeling rising, so all's well. mama, our niece & i were having a conversation about drinking & drugging earlier as we washed dishes --  sort of feeling niece out as well as cautioning her -- we determined there's a family predisposition to problems w/such things as well as that our niece will likely be ok in that dept cause she's got her head pretty firmly screwed on shoulders. she's made big personal growth in the last yr as a human being; super-bright, she's more & more each time we see her turning into such a thoughtful & kind young woman, leaving behind the island dad has mentioned, the one on which teenagers should be exiled til they learn to be human...
the last many days have been a roiling rollercoaster of events w/visit down at the beach pad from our folks & many great meals & nice conversation & james took dad to meet dave hayden & i took mama to the bookstore & then next day we took them to see some of their mentors, fine, talented, hearty, spry ppl who were some of the 1st to settle as uc irvine faculty. over a splendid hungarian meal, we heard how mr huzti's people never have to pay taxes "in perpetuity" cause in olden times his ancestors had driven back the huns on a crucial hungarian pass! we also watched a local production of "fiddler on the roof" & i again blubbered during the prayer song, as shirley w from bksfld might say, feeling "more than a little verklempt."
the next day went from bad to terrible to the worst ever in the history of james & jenny page, but we were rescued emotionally by our folks w/their reasonable & loving wisdom. long story short, we took my truck & a luxury rental to the gig in taft, me w/mom & dad on a lovely drive admiring sky & mountains, james leaving later at 90 mph w/fractured foot, having needed to both fix his amp & obtain triage (insert political statement about u.s. health care, soon to be improved, i think, tho there will be much i-hope-only figurative bloodshed in the process)... we met angie & doug at the ot cookhouse & had happy conversation & hearty delicious fine food, then i took off for the club to load in. my set at the oasis was romping stomping jumping fun; we were stretching cause james wasn't yet there, so i added in "mean mean man" & locked in w/max on this little richard kinda slamming groove that was a flipping thrill!!  "we're a punk band now!" i exclaimed. james rolled in shortly &, even on sore foot, put on one helluva show! he adjusted the lyrics in spots to sing to the family, to their delight. that night at the room, we rested little but had important conversation while james ate all the leftovers... next morn we woke to the hotel banging on the door: oops! we had hearty breakfast & many cups of joe at the oasis, then i sat at the house piano while james sang "chains of love" & that old piano just soared around my fingers! we caravanned to bakersfield, showered at mom & dad's, then were off to o'hennessey's in oildale, at the old skylark by the old airport, where james & the fellows put on an even MORE awesome show than at the oasis, to packed house of jaws dropped in amazement, all the folks who'd never seen james up til then... feeling a little peaked, i donned james's overcoat & spent the eve admiring the band's muscular power, the crowd's wild approval, & observing a lot of schoolyard behavior coming out of adult bodies. people both nights were very nice but very drunk, resulting in much regression! -- at least  i THINK maybe booze/drugs was the excuse -- can't be fo sho!
today's been family & food & resting & playing some music here at the family house... excited that james & i might go back as a couple to a show i got to be in for 7 yrs & a few others things, too, but for now, this sloppy post'll have to do... no pix right now cause mama's little laptop won't allow it. oh well! the world'll keep spinning, i think. :)

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

i know why i do what i do be do be do

(all quotes from carl jung)
In my case Pilgrim's Progress consisted in my having to climb down a thousand ladders until I could reach out my hand to the little clod of earth that I am.
As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.
A man who has not passed through the inferno of his passions has never overcome them.
Follow that will and that way which experience confirms to be your own.
-  The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it.
Man's task is to become conscious of the contents that press upward from the unconscious.
There is no coming to consciousness without pain.
Often the hands will solve a mystery that the intellect has struggled with in vain.
Our heart glows, and secret unrest gnaws at the root of our being. Dealing with the unconscious has become a question of life for us.
 In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all disorder a secret order.
Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.
Knowledge rests not upon truth alone, but upon error also.
The greatest and most important problems of life are all fundamentally insoluble. They can never be solved but only outgrown.
Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.
Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.
We deem those happy who from the experience of life have learnt to bear its ills without being overcome by them.
The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed. It is just these intense conflicts and their conflagration which are needed to produce valuable and lasting results.
Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
Children are educated by what the grown-up is and not by his talk.
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
- The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
Nobody, as long as he moves about among the chaotic currents of life, is without trouble.
Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, something is out of tune.
The man who promises everything is sure to fulfil nothing, and everyone who promises too much is in danger of using evil means in order to carry out his promises, and is already on the road to perdition.
If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.
The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.
Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.
We should not pretend to understand the world only by the intellect. The judgement of the intellect is only part of the truth.
The wine of youth does not always clear with advancing years; sometimes it grows turbid.
Great talents are the most lovely and often the most dangerous fruits on the tree of humanity. They hang upon the most slender twigs that are easily snapped off.
Sometimes, indeed, there is such a discrepancy between the genius and his human qualities that one has to ask oneself whether a little less talent might not have been better.
(please talk amongst yourselves.)

Sunday, November 10, 2013

"after the storm, our love is gonna rise…"

james went visiting, so i decided to start laying down demos for my proposed CD. i have 14-15 songs in mind, mostly in order, so i did the first one, one he calls "old-timey," using the cajon drum box he got me for our anniversary. it produced a heartily satisfying thump! my snare's at the mountain home, so i just added sticks & high-hat, then piano part & "bass," which was fun to experiment with, finally vocals. james came back just as i finished, so he listened thru headphones, breaking into a strut, which tells me the tune moves. i'm so happy when recording; the hours fly by & i'm lost in musical & creative reverie. "let me know if i can help you," he said, but the thing is, i tend to write parts & arrange as i go… the other night we on-the-fly ended up debuting our duo for a pilot (in more than one way) audience. the group of about 10 men was quite happy, gracious & enthusiastic; james & i walked away with more cash than we would've with the whole band on a weeknight! i really liked how james sang "when i get like this," the 5 royales tune we both so love; he belted it out so beautifully!… maybe we'll do it again. i hope so. right now we have a poll going on facebook asking for requests for duo name. some responses, most being plays on "page," are quite funny!
meanwhile, i hope before the eve's over to do a quick demo for a tune i wrote yesterday… happy sunday & tomorrow, thank you to all you vets, foremost for me (wouldn't you know it) james.

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

pix & interview from whiteboy james's first european tour

we added three videos to james's youtube channel. you can see them here: whiteboy james's youtube channel
here, too, are a few collages from our recent trip to europe. tschüss!

Saturday, November 02, 2013

crabby crabby crab crab

we're back after the longest plane trek!!! the 1st plane had a panoply of tv, movies, & games, but none of that can stop your butt from hurting after too much sitting! we got to the u.s. & sadly saw that american airport service is pretty poor compared to europe's -- we nearly missed our connection in dulles dc due to having to wait on bags for nearly an hr! overall, tho, this place didn't look too bad stacked next to the beauty of europe, tho here there are way, way too many cars & too much cheap processed food & too much stupid shopping, but you know, gotta take the good with the bad, so anyways...
this a.m. i woke with a headache, feeling positively weird in a not-pleasant way, but it's just jetlag, i know: no need to freak out.  james was in a good mood upon awakening, dancing around having a bop-it session (my gift to him for our anniversary; he got me a cajon drum box), then we went for a hamburger, really appreciating like we never have chuck berry's song "living in the u.s.a." when his burger was et, james proclaimed, "now i feel like an american again." we like the music at this particular burger joint (skyliners, dominos, lenny welch, platters) & nostalgic posters of hawaii & agree all the time that chuck berry is a genius & anyone who doesn't agree, i say, or says anything remotely like "oh, i can play all that chuck berry stuff," therein not referring to chuck berry with appropriate deference & respect, is a total bozo.
sorry about my crabbiness; i need a nap. he took off to go visiting & at some point we need to unpack our bags before they petrify and/or putrify, but for now it's time for me to get some rest, & i'm grateful to have time to get some. i was gonna conclude this post w/the tagline from "team america," but i'll leave it for you to recall on your own.
america.... .... ...