"tell me how you keep the love w/in your heart from me..."

- we'll do that song, which i no longer relate to, which chris sprague said one time was his favorite of buddy holly's, as well as two others, at this terrific show, which has no cover... dusk devils will be on at 8:50 pm... it's gonna be great fun! the last "special" barndance we played was packed to the walls... in addition to my best friend, my "old pal" manuel'll be there, as well as other talented artists/fans. i'm so excited! haven't seen "big manny" since i auditioned to play bass for him, then promptly dropped the ball & stopped practicing... am grateful to be getting organized again, involved in a new music project that promises to be quite exciting & fulfilling, the most ever, cause my musical partner & i absolutely are on the same page as far as interests & passions... i've gotten to play w/many, many interesting, often talented folks, but've never experienced total musical connection in a project i've been involved in: it's astonishing, when i think of it. i want to pinch myself. i never thought this could happen. - yes, we're both stone-cold roots purists, tho my partner's much more seasoned in the biz & as a musician than am i. we've discussed how we both feel not just alarmed or angry, but sick when asked to play out of genre (or forced to listen to it); feel a duty to carry forth the american music of the past; can't & won't play anything else. it's a matter of respect... to adulterate what the originals did by "adding to it" (defiling it) w/other more recent (diluted, commercialized, bastardized) forms just won't do. - to focus on the happy, thrilling mission of this latest band, i departed karling & the atomics last week. as w/becky's band, which i quit in  may, part of me knows K&A is fine, probably even happier, w/o me & moreover, that i'm not what they want/need... finally, my musical partner says he will handle the business pt so we'll not just play music we love love love, but will get money fair & square doing it. - all's good, better, & amazing from now on. - here's wishing everyone the best!

calm & grief & renaissance

it's quiet up here right now. i love the morning sounds. and the evening sounds, for that matter... windchimes tinkling, cars swishing by on the road below, wind in trees, bird song, the humorous echoing waves of rooster crowing & goat bleating... the air is fresh & cool, so different from hot, smoggy bakersfield, where i lived til 2.25 yrs ago... am reflecting on change, for life right now's in tremendous flux. unlike this one, which is a bit scary, but mostly exciting & vivifying, the last major upheaval, when i left my husband of 12 yrs, was quite sad & stressful, tho necessary. i've lately been trying to recall the stages of grief, for every one of us goes thru them, whether the loss be of job, loved one, or something else. if i know what to expect, i can foresee an end, & after it, a new life. - happily, i just found a model that adds the recovery stages of grief. i like that, for it reminds me that hard times undergone & walked thru can result in the next stage of improvement, clarity, more personal development... The 7 Stages of Grief - hope if you're undergoing the stress of grief that this link offers you some comfort. we all have to endure grief in life. as i've seen written, "fall down 7 times, stand up 8." things will be better for us all; i just know it. (ps - this is fun: Animal Sound Verbs)

numinosity, sublimity, surfing fun & brain fodder!

sometimes facebook can bear real gems. to wit: the term seems to give name to what i experience a lot in my life, as well as a paragraph in the big book from the chapter "we agnostics" that argues to convince the agnostic he/she all along has been a worshiper... the word led me to a fun new website: www.wordnik.com ... that led to THIS fascinating piece! so packed with ideas! i do not like his casual use of a certain ugly racial epithet, which throws a violent tone into the discussion, but i love the conversational, otherwise friendly tone & all that can be learned & contemplated from this... wow... WOW! Alan Watts: The World as Emptiness... this then got me thinking about one of my profs when i was going to school up in san francisco; a poe scholar, he got on a kick talking about "the uncanny," which thru my memory of his explanation sounded almost the opposite of what's described above. that led me to this link. could further exploration of freud's understanding of "the uncanny" be a good report, project, thesis topic? Freud's Concept of "The Uncanny" maybe for you -- not for me. except for his ideas about how bad civilization effs a soul up, most of freud's ideas that i've read i've thought to be absolutely hideous!!

the woman of 100 faces... sticks & stones

i know the man of 1000 faces. i have about 100, maybe, as you can see here ... yes, mood & makeup certainly can alter one's appearance dramatically... i heard the other day someone who doesn't much like me (can't much blame her) said i'm fat. my texas cousin, who's been big since age 5, was told to tell kids who made fun of her, "i might be fat, but you're ugly, & i can lose weight, but you'll always be ugly." i grew up being called "fatso" & "ugly" & "you're not chicana/you're not white" at school; kids can be so cruel, a sad fact corroborated by the many interventions i had to make to stop verbal bullying when i was teaching... but by my definition, ugly insides are far worse than ugly outsides... yes, i've always thought those who judge big people, overweight people, backward people, the "unbeautiful," the disenfranchised, etc., to be mean, stupid, shallow, even in some cases evil (not that my critic is in that camp). one side of my family is in general obese, but i've had other family members/people i've known who've seemed to think it an affront to be fat, but ok to be greedy & gossipy & materialistic... i don't hang w/these humans... to heck w/that crap. yes, what truly counts is a person's character. - you think i'm fat? well, yes, i've struggled w/weight since i was a little kid. it was the beginning of addictions: stuffing my face to stuff feelings. only time i was thin was when i had bad chemical & ED habits. dad warned me, "men don't like skinny girls, jenny!" despite his warning, i'm certain i'll always struggle w/body image/weight -- but not like i used to, for these days i know i'm decent, loyal, kind, funny, sweet, dependable, even thought to be talented, attractive, & beautiful inside & out by many, etc etc. i was fortunate to be raised by a wonderful family & to be loved by scores & scores & scores, & more importantly, to love them back... on top of that, an incredibly talented, brave, iconoclastic, handsome, one-of-a-kind fellow i know says i'm the most gorgeous thing he's ever seen, built "like a woman should be." more importantly than all of this, tho, i know who i am, & i like me. what others say is a reflection on them & their life-state, not on me. be well, be happy, be helpful, be productive, be grateful, & remember: sticks & stones.

presto! magic, strangeness, alienation, life, ambiguity, mistakes, growth, forgiveness, change

- oh, i feel a blablabla coming on... re this poster, a friend said a better adjective might be "imaginative" or "creative," but i think "strange" is good-enough, the word not holding much negative connotation, in my mind... having grown up thinking i was so different, oddball, whacked -- but basically just your garden-variety neurotic & disaffected egomaniac w/inferiority complex -- i like this poster for its helpful spirit... not all "weirdos" are isolated or disgruntled or, at worst, aberrant... some eccentrics are the best kind of folks, making the world a better place cause, just in being themselves, they stretch constructed limitations & invite others to be themselves, too, perhaps be critical thinkers, be as "strange" (creative, imaginative) as they want w/o fearing they are somehow bad in so doing. there's room for all! i wish i'd learned this when i was young & felt alone & somewhat like a freak & loser & crazy person... my sense of alienation & of being inherently wrong swelled hugely, simply cause i lacked positive, productive, accepting "strange" role models & friends! - anyways, blablablablabla... etc... - and, heck, so much for texas... too far, not enough days... still gonna go, tho, maybe next month! - instead i got to do a bunch of cool things, including go to an awesome magic shop, an historical place where the 80-year old owner created many, many of the tricks, displayed in handwritten boxes on shelves stretching to the ceiling, old general store-style. the elderly magician, quite famous, is healing in the hospital, so another fellow, friendly & burly, demonstrated tricks on a black mat stretched across the store countertop, his hands & voice smooth & patient. the shop was pure nostalgia, rcalling for me so much from my nerd childhood-adolescence: comic books, snapping gum, cockroach gum (heck, i didn't check before buying, but hope the stupid roach gum doesn't read like those below... that would be embarrassing!), black soap, disappearing ink, fake poop & barf, magic kits, hats & masks, ventriloquist dummies, even fortune teller fish!, on up to gigantic tricks like a sturdy box enabling the illusion of knives-thru-head... once you agree to purchase a trick, you get demonstration of the secret solution, each one immediately seeming self-evident the millisecond it's unveiled... doh! ingeniously simple in each case... but solvable beforehand? no way -- my divergent thinking skills apparently have dulled a lot, only two years removed from teaching... - the overall theme of the last many days, i believe, aside from really considering & acting upon the concepts of "loyalty" & "love," is "things are not always what they appear to be"... i know when young, i thought the world was black & white, good & bad, but the older i get, the more shades i see... & the more i know what i think i know is just not the case, must step back & reconsider situations i'm certain i've in-a-snap read.... i'm wrong a lot. i make tons of mistakes. but grow? move forward? accept change? be patient, be less conditional, be more loving, less manipulative, and, especially, forgive? try to see both sides? must do so. must, no matter what. otherwise, got no peace. got no happiness. am back to having an existence rather than life. yecch!! - anyways, at the store i purchased a bagful of magic booty, some to display in the house here, just cause it's fun to look at, some to pull on my little cousins. i know the tricks'll confound & delight them. can't wait. :) - more later, maybe... now to settle down w/"the big book of weirdos," another awesome gift from my awesome friend who seems to always know just what i love!... hope besides adequate food & shelter, you have something good to read & a nice brightly-lit place in which to read it...

we're gonna rocknroll tonight! & lone star bound!

whee! life continues, in spite of us. at bottom're pix from the show the other night; they ran in the SCV paper. tho i look homely in a few, people seemed to like them, so here they are! tonight's show at sue's here on the mtn should be lots of fun. i'm gonna start the show w/a mini-set of originals, then we'll play all night. then bright & early, i'm lone star-bound! whoopee! -- or rather, yeehaw! can't wait to road trip. i've been doing a buttload of commuting, living up here on the mtn w/all friends & loved ones being elsewhere (save my little tues night women's group),

but haven't had a big road trip in a while... gotta get back by next wkend for karling show/music festival over by donna's house, so it'll be an adrenaline-filled week. more later...

duskdevilsduskdevilsduskdevilsduskdevilsduskdevils

we had the best show ever last night! i love this pic from brian p, which well-conveys the friendliness & magical energy of the eve. yes, geez, what happy happy energy abounded... thank you, dusk devils, & karling for the opportunity. :) to watch the babies, kids, teens, & people in general pack the outside dance floor, moved uncontrollably & joyfully by our rhythms, while looking upon beautiful lights & a crowd of 100s... wow! the sound was good, too. i realized, whatever happens w/my band, we need merch! people wanted recordings... & what we do is good, happy, positive, super-rockin... even in this ultra-saturated-w/crap society, another DD recording SHOULD be made. we are good enough to add positively to the effluvia of american culture... DDs should be remembered, at least a bit, by those who appreciate us. and appreciate us fervently, they seem to, the ones who do, so served they should be w/an audio chronicle of what we do. what a lovely deal... thanks to all.

tonight, tonight, it all began tonight, i saw you and the world went away...

i'm so excited about going to stage plays again! i love stage plays! & having adventures! being spontaneous, where schedules allow! being creative again! making stuff rather than sitting around thinking about stuff! being in positive action, in spite of personal & worldly challenges... being a survivor! :) already i've become a "song writing machine," i was told... yesterday i wrote two... what a heavenly feeling it is, to be in the midst of music, to have it pour forth, especially in those moments when it comes out just right. yes, heaven! & what a miracle to take life experiences, lumps, joys, questions, in fact, any emotion, & translate it into music... yesterday i translated a discomfort into a two minute ruth brown-kinda tune that not only helped me reconcile my feelings, but helped my dear friend, too... i've written songs before & had people comment, "that's exactly how i felt. i felt better after listening to your song." i will never be rich & famous w/this, but these small blessings give me amazing wealth, when i contemplate them. :) thank you! right now i want to make a video, but i have to get ready for the show. robbie, DD bass player, who's spent his whole life on the mtn or in sta clarita, where this eve's show is, sez tonight'll be a hopping street fair-car show-music event-farmers market. whee!! it's right in downtown newhall: off the 5, take lyons exit east, all the way to where it deadends. that's downtown. stars on the sidewalk are dedicated to western movie actors... one of the neatest meeting halls around is right there, called the rafters. after we play, i'm looking fwd to hitting the 10 pm mtg... oh, how lucky i am to have this affiliation that keeps me grounded & grateful! yes, tonight i potentially could spin away into ecstasy, silliness, mania, for anything resembling a fair is pure bliss for me! so it'll be nice to end the eve in a centering setting... ) i like tonight's lineup. karling'll do part of the set w/us, since it originally was her gig, & we've played w/hard six before; michael "fuze" henry & wife deedee seem to be fun people, friendly & eccentric: my favorite type! i'm looking fwd to seeing them again... then robbie sez blue collar combo do "a lot of johnny burnette." that's a much much cooler choice for inspiration than many other genre bands i can think of... saturday, young rob sez it'll REALLY be hopping at sue's (flyers below): there'll be two birthdays, & the local word's out on the DDs... we are fun! :) robbie & i were so fortunate to jam the other night w/my favorite musician on earth... we all kept it high-energy & vernacular cause that's what we do. other than that, for me, is like death. yes, i realized last wk again, i can't nor will i play anything else. where music goes, & it goes everyplace w/me, like breath & smell & sight, i raised myself on roots, & without roots, like any green creature, i will die -- therefore, i can never let myself be uprooted if music projects turn away from what i know & live on... i just have to say thank you, & move on! ... & i'll never do any song w/which i can't relate, which doesn't feel truthful or sincere, even if it doesn't make sense to others (for instance, i do "riot in cell block no 9." i've never been in a women's prison. but do i relate to its silliness, energy, & the woman going nuts when the men show up? sure!). no, you'll never see this woman singing chicago blues, nor most any music post-1963, nor most any modern (post-63) ballad, nor most any genre that forgets the venerable 1-4-5! and unless it's a "monster movie" organ patch on a monstery song, no synthesizer -- ever!! yes, looking fwd to so much, including learning & playing more fantastic american music... ok, maybe see you in newhall, friend... we're gonna rocknroll tonight; everything's all right :)

preachy speaks: "let's move on, shall we?" :D .... time to fold...

& leave the table.
the game is over.
- game-playing's not worth it, anyways, i don't think, if all players aren't having a good time. i come from a teacher family, tho, so have that bias. just can't believe life's a battle; if i did, i'd have to jettison that metaphor, for who's got much chance at all of having much joy in this short life w/a siege-or-be-besieged mindframe??? true, much of human history recorded's been fight-based... yet the life force continues in spite of us. life -- & by extension, i think, love, is stronger than us! the games we all have learned, at least those based on control, competition & conquest, just don't work; the life force always victors, altho that i write this at all points to my own relative life of privilege... (argghh; let's move on...)
- brother, sister, most of the world's people don't even have sufficient drinking water, yet here you & i sit online, respectively reading & having written... we have the luxury, due to history, happenstance, geography, & much more folly &/or fortune, to ponder. so do you believe life has purpose? if so, what is it? can we ever know? or do you more believe we were put here randomly? more & more i think there's agency in each atom -- not that i'll ever know fully what i, discrete cluster of electrical impulses in water- & bacteria-based shell, am to be. an agnostic friend announced recently, "i'm one of god's soldiers!" with inspiring conviction... can't say i believe that of me (damned vacillation & self-doubt, marker of one who's read & thought too much, lived too little, perhaps), but i know i live much more peacefully & smoothly when i work, to paraphrase john wesley, to do all the good i can... we should learn & love & evolve. and ENJOY. and not be mired in guilt & shame, but set out to spread good cheer, hope, bravery amongst our fellow humans (tho never w/goal of "telling them how it's done" cause everything's relative...) & in so doing, experience TRUE joy, true happiness, true life. that's that. to not utilize our powers of love & connection is fundamentally wrong, if a soul knows this purpose. to settle for discontent & what-if & if-only-he/she-would-do-what-i-want & i'm-a-failure & this-is-all-we-deserve is no life... i used to stay in situations for years in which my hostage & i suffered & suffered - from arguing all the time to just living in lonely standoffs that felt worse than the worst fight...a soul shrivels in such settings. the human creature craves love & connection. less than that hurts everybody in proximity... there's no way one person can be unhappy in a relationship w/o the other being unhappy, too. no way. i'm not just talking romance, either. as john donne wrote, in a sentiment i totally didn't get when i was a teenager, "no man is an island"...
- anyways, today's been so wonderful already, & it's only afternoon. if you're reading this & yours's been anything less, i hope that you will find bliss in today, maybe making major changes, if needed, to be on the road to growth & good purpose & true happiness...
when it's time to jump, one must jump. that window of opportunity isn't always there! go out, fellow human, and be happy! live! we all gotta blow this pop stand soon enough...
love, preachy
(here's the john wesley quote)
“Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can.”

geez

- i forgot what i was gonna write about... oh well. here's a pic from the other night.

this is a really lovely young gal w/whom i got to hang out... late that night, all kinds of ugliness ensued, all i observed seeming to be due to drunkenness/being high/being young/being old/being stupid. felt really grateful to be sober (& old? spose so)... not better than anyone, just grateful. my life could be that ugly, but instead i get a chance to be better & get better & have love & life & even a modicum of dignity toward self & others... that ain't inherently me; that's grace or whatever: something good & larger than me, i think. for left to my baser ways, i'm a hapless, helpless, impulsive, compulsive, repulsive fool... each moment i'm not, that's cause to give thanks to a not-personified, in my opinion, yet intelligent universe of which you & i are but quarks... - well, i guess that's it for now. been cleaning & clearing stuff out of my overstuffed "watts tower" house, making room... it's been a productive day, & this week'll bring two shows (see flyers below), & even bigger than that, the beginning of changes!... i gotta lotta work to do. am quite excited about being ushered kindly back into the stream of life. even w/music, i've been rather a bum, a wayward balloon, lost w/o rudder these past 2-3 years... talk of many upcoming artistic projects & partnerships is making me realize i'm being revived & am becoming enabled to resume using my creative brain. wow! anyways, i better stop before i start blabbing even more, like i do. this change is inspiring, scary, beautiful, challenging, thrilling, but even if it feels like crap in the moment, change must ultimately be good, being life's only inevitable. i'm grateful... hope you are, too. mucho amor y amistad...

taste with caution... judge like a king & choose the purest

God has given us a dark wine so potent that,
drinking it, we leave the two worlds.
God has put into the form of hashish a power
to deliver the taster from self-consciousness.
God has made sleep so
that it erases every thought.
God made Majnun love Layla so much that
just her dog would cause confusion in him.
There are thousands of wines
that can take over our minds.
Don't think all ecstasies
are the same!
Jesus was lost in his love for God.
His donkey was drunk with barley.
Drink from the presence of saints,
not from those other jars.
Every object, every being,
is a jar full of delight.
Be a connoisseur,
and taste with caution.
Any wine will get you high.
Judge like a king, and choose the purest,
the ones unadulterated with fear,
or some urgency about "what's needed."
Drink the wine that moves you
as a camel moves when it's been untied,
and is just ambling about.
Mathnawi IV, 2683-96
The Essential Rumi, Coleman Barks

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you,

mom and dad...
- how generous are they? how kind? my bd gift from them: a new piano/keyboard... i am bowled over with gratitude & happiness. it's a korg sp-250, not a top-of-the-line model, & kind of homely-looking, compared to some of the sleek, even flashy stage pianos out there, but heck, it's more than enough for me. it replaces my 8-or-9-yr old korg sp-200; i have busted two keys in the left hand register, so w/more sure to perish, i can now retire the old beast before she becomes too, too decrepit.
- thank you, old beast. you've served me well, & we traveled many many miles together.
- i deeply love my new piano/keyboard, maybe more than a person should an object, so caution's in order. the piano, after all, was my first real true friend, so this is a relationship that goes way back. don't know how the korg people with this model so-well electronically mimicked the resonance of a real piano. every electric keyboard has piano patches, of course, but this one is quite outstanding compared to my others; it has a richness, fullness i've not heard in any electric keyboard i've allowed myself to even consider having... what a pleasure! yes, one can really luxuriate in the sp-250's authentic tones... nothing, of course, can compare to a real piano, an instrument of great soul & humanity, but the sound of my new korg is more pleasing than the other keyboards i have. (and all i care about's the piano sounds... other effects are confusing & seem superfluous...)
- this is crazy: at this point, i have four keyboards: two yamahas, two korgs! thank you, thank you, japan. yes, a small family has developed. i shall call them "the 88s"... tho i spose my smaller yamaha only has 61...
- well, better get to bed so i can play some more tomorrow. much beloved & life-giving music to you, dear person reading this, truly truly truly truly truly whoever you may be. :)

vee heff flyers...

this coming weekend, brian p & i'll play with the atomics, backing karling abbeygate, at a really huge event near our friend candye kane's landing pad. here's more info... SoCal Rockabilly Fest ... the other shows displayed here should, too, be a hoot! the thursday event, "the dusk devils featuring karling abbeygate" (she'll start the set with us) is put on by the city of sta clarita & is on the same block as the vu, where we played a very fun rockabilly fest that also featured hard six & inazuma... the latter is our second appearance at sue's tavern right in frazier park, & if it's half the fun the last one was, well, bar the doors, katy!!! it's gonna be such a blast!!!