pic of my higher power; all i want's a pepsi (&apiano)

just kidding. sort of.
here are 2 pix from yesterday. i wanted to get more, but mark & randy were drenched in sweat moving gear & then we launched into a marathon music session, but at least i got these. joe on pedal steel,

randy on drums, my friend philbert, mark, it was a draining but gratifying experience. heck, this guy came up & told me, "you know rod piazza & honey? [of course i know OF them, tho i don't know them] well, i thought she was the best female piano player i'd heard til i heard you." good lord - honey learned to play from otis spann records! otis spann! yes, i was grateful for the compliment, & all the ones i & we got. then shantell & i were talking about putting together a female cramps revue for halloween. good gravy! that would be so cool! yes, we are all so lucky to have song, to be wading in the stream of music, as phil alvin said. to be pumping away at my piano & look back & see the guys smiling w/excitement & happiness as we all rode a tune, well, what could be more exhilarating? (can't think of anything at all at this exact moment. not a one.) we were a team, the band & the audience, sharing in a swell rockin exuberant time. wow.
we played for 4 hrs, then quit & i sort of crumbled in exhaustion, but got to go grab a little down-home grub & get to a mtg w/jani & mark & hear gentle jani speak as well as a woman from the pacific group who was witty but left me feeling curiously empty.
then i came home & went insane, as has been happening, but i didn't drink & didn't have to call 9-1-1, so the day was rode out & put up & i got to live one more time. life's scary lately, but i seem to be a survivor, tho only the universe knows in the end, i guess.
today's been a bit brighter: played music at my higher power (see above) & worked on a different approach to the bigbk & listened to wonderful mix cd from art fein & gene taylor sent me a song via email & i got 2 incredible, supportive emails (plus kindly note from af) from people i didn't even think i was that close to, but i sure feel close to, now, for taking the time to help me feel like it's worth it & encouraging me to not give up, & what the heck have i got to be miserable about?????
enemy between my ears, this is no longer dramatically invigorating or an interesting existential dilemma. you are killing me.
the only thing to fear is fear itself, said one of the roosevelts, & fear's been grabbing me by the head lately, grabbing me & swinging me around like some wild demon, jezebeth, pyro, lilith, verin, vetis, asmodeus, argggh... but then the good of the universe returns the music & the love of others & restores hope, at least for now.
the enemy doesn't listen, so it seems imperative to turn all together away from it in surrender & toward the good stuff. (insert biblical quote about evil.) i can see now how the little richards, elvises, & jerry lees believed so fervently in the lord or the devil. the dichotomy gives a seemingly clear-cut reason for these times of madness & despair, the evil of the world. certitude of the origin of this would sure be nice. selfishness & self-centeredness or beelzebub? the latter would be easier to accept. otherwise, i am my own hell.
do believe (again) that where there's life, there's hope. am not pushing up daisies yet. so there is hope, & may there be for you, too... as usual, i don't know what i'm babbling about, so time to go. amor vincit omnia. i hope.