uncle henry, rest in peace

since am in new orleans, was able to light a candle for him at st louis cathedral & also take the ferry across the mississippi to algiers, LA. uncle henry was raised in the church & also was a life-long sailor with that deep love of the sea in his heart. am normally water-averse, but gliding across the big, scary, looming depths, gazing out on the watery expanse & feeling the cooling spray, let me contemplate him & his love more deeply & wish his soul eternal peace.
we will never, never forget him.

that's why i'm walkin to new orleans...

this is it. the trip of my lifetime starts tomorrow. i will go to the following places: san antonio, lake charles, new orleans, austin, & (near) fort worth. the band will continue on while i'm away. i am happy & nervous, sad & excited. have waited so very long to see the crescent city. it's finally gonna happen.
today's gig was ok, nice weather, ok sound, ok set, but afterwards phil & i walked around the fairgrounds & looked at all the swag & then went & had dewar's & he got ice cream & hot fudge for his family & dropped me off & now i'm gonna say goodbye to my family, & all in all, this has been a good day. am thankful for the opportunities for life experiences. wishing anyone reading this the best...

the latest, not the greatest, not depravest nor the ravest

-rip to al h, who was sponsor & mentor to so many men around here... brian faithfully read to him weekly, & jani cared for al & his wife, too. b & j & everyone like them are very special & great people for their spirit of service; they always show up, always help others. al will be dearly missed by all who knew him.
- we're playing saturday at the thunder run at the fairgrounds. we go on at 1145, but might bump up to 1130. don't know if there's entrance fee. if you ride a murdersickle or just like them, you might go on over & check it out.
- after us is mud wrestling. and there ya go.
-spent wkend w/my dear friend donna, the most resourceful woman in the world, for her lovely kids' graduations. we walked around claremont & i got a count basie cd for $3. she scored me near-free furniture cause she knows how to do that kinda thing. we watched little miss sunshine (levon considers me the movie guru, sez his mom). drove to chino to some breakfast place that had the biggest pancakes i'd ever seen in my whole life. the gargantuan portions made the old friendly cafe in oildale look kinda wimpy. amazing. jogged to a 645 am mtg @ the triangle club. got back & was coming out of the john & there was ruben, all slicked up like for a gig. we played beatles songs w/lovely daughter laurel. more bargains w/donna, then i hit the road. the mountains were beautiful & if this is global warming, well brother, i guess that's that. it's super gorgeous here, & how amazing. it should be 200 degrees.
- art fein says he'd like to produce our next recording. he even said something about the blasters, but i couldn't hear cause my head's too screwed on crooked these days. friends continue to send nice emails; gene taylor & memphis mike even sent songs.
- deke dickerson sez if i show up at fats domino's door, he might sign my record on account of my appearance. not sure what i think of that, but if i get a signature, i gotta get one for deke, too, who says he's waited outside fats's house 10x & never got a john hancock. that would be some score, all right.
- we practice at the mini house & the neighbors still haven't called the cops. something nice happens each time, like yesterday all the cats (aka the little crap machines) came out & laid on the pavement to dig the vibrations. when we were done, the breeze outside refreshed & the cool sky stretched & billowed. we have big skies here; i've never noticed really til a friend from back east pointed it out. all does feel free, in this sad lonely & weird time of my life, but then again, it's not 200 degrees here yet.
- am 60% done w/a dog & pony bunch of classes i'm taking. actually they've been pretty substantial & the teacher's nice & the biggest problem is i never sleep now more than 4-5 hrs, so guess whatever trouble i'm having is my own fault. my library school teacher, who must be an angel, gave me a deadline extension on the unit i'm supposed to be writing. don't know when i'm gonna pack for trip, get renter's insurance, take care of the 100 other little things. am mostly moved, but sure miss tv (as well as other more important things).
- when i get back from my train trip, it's bound to be like the inferno here. for now, must enjoy the balmy days, the cool evenings, cherish every moment. re life, don't wonder why, don't borrow trouble. "don't look back," said donna. "my family never looks back; we just keep moving." i guess that's good advice.
- gonna go visit the canine babies now. i hope i can sneak them over here some night. c'est la vie, and how.

ah, good taste! what a dreadful thing. taste is the enemy of creativity.

(name that artist)
- i received as a gift a handmade raku bowl. the guy who gave it to me & i talked at length about the arts & i recalled how my ex-guitar player used to call me "narrow minded" cause am not one of those who "likes everything." this guy told me such strong reaction can alienate people & tho my 1st thought was, "well, [to heck w/] them," i guess growing up's learning to accept other people's tastes & be respectful of them. i do wanna do that on some level bc i like people in general & don't want to hurt them & after all, here in america, everyone's entitled to their opinions.
- then i recalled being in austin yrs ago w/a boyfriend who insisted we go in this beer bar that had good drink specials. problem was the heavy metal hair band playing inside, & tho i warned him i couldn't stomach the music, he insisted we go in & just listen for a while, & sure enough, yeah, i was bombed, but it was the music that made me sick. it hurt; it was repulsive; it was just flat-out wrong.
- i'm like art fein cause i can't go in stores playing bad music, can't be at parties w/bad music, can't listen to the radio most of the time, can't tune it out at all, & it does make life tough sometimes, for me & those around. so much of the time i keep my mouth shut & then i just start to feel sick... how much is real & how much is middle class privilege? it does feel genuine, oppressive, disheartening. so i'm thinking maybe "narrow-mindedness" or strong reaction to the arts can be a form of self-preservation, like the way early humans were signaled to not eat the poisonous plants bc nature gave warning by making such vegetation unpalatably bitter. why expose oneself to visceral unpleasantness? why puke in an austin doorway when the ears have amply warned that such noise will bring illness? run, wear earplugs, don't go in to begin w/, change the channel immediately... just say no to bad art.
- bad art & prose/poetry are easier to stomach; they don't simper, shout, or scream at you like bad music does; if they suck, you simply can avert your eyes & still be ok. bad movies & plays are trickier cause of setting... but bad music, that just makes life more like death.
- what defines bad? for me, it's a little voice inside, the voice that knows all, that is always right, & says things such as "you must do this tho it is painful because it is your truth" or "just don't drink today" or "go help that person" or "keep your mouth shut" or "just go to work" or "be nice"... my little voice is saying "little richard" & "new orleans" & "go cat go." and, dang it, "go to bed." what does your little voice declare? remember the oracle at delphi...
- in short, the guy who gave me the bowl was just trying to control me.

i've never seen a night so long,
when time goes crawling by.
the moon just went behind a cloud,
to hide its face and cry.
just went thru the saddest experience of my entire life. if anyone speaks one bad word about brian briggs, i am writing him or her off forever. please don't do it; it's not helpful at all. if anyone speaks badly of me, which i guess some are right now, i must handle it & realize it's a reflection on them, anyway. i know who i am & also that brian briggs has been a good & noble man. we will both be happier eventually, tho now feels like living death.

exhilaration & gratitude

so fortunate to be able to feel. music, children & the good humans of this earth, flowers, the outdoors, nighttime & dawn, wit & kindness, exercise bringing immediate endorphin rush: i have a feeling dial, & it's near-always at max. when sadness hits, it's a tsunami that feels like drowning. but when i'm happy, boy am i happy & can feel rapturous life, & wow. :) yesterday the band came over & we hacked away for a few hrs as the neighbors twirled around on their bikes & one came over to say they liked the music, then i drove out to the 1st summer series past hart pk & there were 100s of other folks there! we started out slow as cattle, all packed together, then spread out & it was half uphill, a slow climb, all dirt, warm but w/a refreshing breeze blowing, & kenny walker from my school, who used to run competitively, coached me on my stride. near the top of the grade, endorphins hit in a happy blast & the rest of the evening was gliding bliss; nothing could dampen the perfect feeling i had. i am so grateful for last night. :)
- here are pix from paul a, who used to have andy noise records in bako forever: http://www.andynoise.com/btc-summer-series-09.html i come in on pg 7 or so & have to say tho my legs're all beat up from moving, i've got the coolest shirt of the bunch (gun club fire of love). lou, the paulsens, kenny, all were there & what a beautiful, wonderful experience!
- near-nothing's as lovely as running, i don't think; it's top-5 for me & i can't wait to do it more & get stronger. we finished as dusk descended & noshing on bagel hunks & drinking gatorade & standing around yacking i thought, man, in the midst of sadness, to get to do this stuff certainly seemed blessed. twilight fell in melancholy blush & then evening came cool & clear; took a drive to ethel's for hotdogs & watermelon (all kinds of people from the run were there), then a nighttime drive up round mtn road & found a quiet spot & pulled over & walked down this white, weedy arroyo & crouched in the dirt & listened to the night & the stars & i am lonely but feel lately that wild adventure i had in my youth, tho w/o the aberrance & craziness that most often used to be me... this, too, shall pass.
- may today some or much exhilaration & gratitude be yours... will have a very important mtg today, have no expectations, but do hope it will result in the least pain & most closure & relief for all.