... there is much in the middle, but ppl like me/us tend toward extreme thinking, what can be called "dialectical"... the up side is a dial tuned full-tilt to awareness of, even amplification of life's beauty in things big & small. the down side is a huge bummer... back in my old life in bakersfield, when i lived the solid-citizen yet still pretty eccentric life, i was busy busy busy w/work, volunteering, being a do-gooder, getting regular self-help, exercising, creating various imaginative projects, family & friends. we gotta get there, too, my hubby & i. we are vigorously physical (he more than i, tho he gives me strokes there), creative, & fully alive. we can't just sit around. we explode. we wither! in my old life, too, i lived amongst practical ppl whose motto was "keep it simple." away from that reminder, my mind can complicate a speck of dirt. the sky! my ability to eat, rest, go to the bathroom! but it especially will complicate my interaction w/& understanding of other humans. the intellect & that old self-centered fear get in cahoots. ruinous!!
james asked me why i write. i write cause i must! i just always, always have written & (well, except when i was a drunk) played music, since i was a small child... however, my motives in writing get fogged when i have time on my hands, & i've had a lot lately. maybe a person my age should NOT be semi-retired... neither of us are "old" middle-agers, after all; we're far from infirm. we've talked of volunteering but realize we really don't want to volunteer here in this wealthy beach town. maybe a neighboring community? maybe once we get out of the city, which we will, when we responsibly can?
yes, this "citified sh*t" is just no good for the soul. tho i love visiting them, i don't cotton that humans are supposed to live in cities. freud showed his hand as an ever-unhappy man when in "civilization and its discontents" he admitted he couldn't experience the "oceanic" feeling of bliss & limitlessness, feelings ppl like james & i bathe happily in when engaged in meaningful creative activity. freud wrote that civilization's development, contingent on corralling man's baser impulses, rubs man the wrong way due to its limiting his sexual instincts. doesn't that sound freudian??
personally , i think that's only part of the problem. more spiritually/existentially disturbing is lack of space! lack of natural beauty! when i have space & beauty, the enemy between my ears can breathe & doesn't tell me lies. i think of our kind family in kentucky & in bakersfield: not a mean-spirited, conniving, or "with motives" one amongst them. a quote i read today: "man's heart away from nature becomes hard" (standing bear). too true!
outside i go... we need to clean our vehicles, anyway: the mach 5 is quite dirty after our long honeymoon road trip. but before stepping into the beachy day, i'm deleting the statcounter i've long had. in the beginning i loved having the counter to look on its world map feature & see where readers resided, then puzzling out by comments/times visited/search terms/patterns & interactions between visitors their actual identities. but ferreting out these trivialities has become, for this lately underutilized human, kinda crazy-making... james said we should start a detective agency: he has the muscle & insomnia & interrogation/profiling experience; i have the organization, tenacity & sleuthful mind. unfortunately, when i'm not meaningfully engaged, those qualities result in me digging too deeply/making mountains of molehills: making myself nuts. james & i have amazing lives, we shout from the rooftops! our lives are real, not cyber, tho the latter's a necessary evil of promotion in the music world, & it can be nice to network online w/loved ones... i know better than to get mucked up by dumbnesses like statcounter. yes, this maddening, divisive, crazy-making internet can sure be example of civilization & its discontents. what a waste of time. i'm going outside! :D
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