oh my, oh heck, oh crud, oh rats

have been sick in soul & also body all week. so much confusion, loss, blah.
looking at the dishes & no magic fairies are gonna do them. waiting for repair person to call back to look at the gas wall heater, which is emitting a not-intolerable tho steadily-annoying high c#. i would trouble-shoot it, but been too sick to stand much, never mind do heating repairs. once i lived in a 1910s walk-up in downtown backwardsland that had a lovely hissing steam radiator, the steady shush of which, on cold eves, was calming, but this sound ain't that. hard to get help on the mtn at the last sec like this. halloweeny tomorrow. mebbe all the repair persons are getting their ghosty & zombie & witchy & hobo & superhero & other costumes ready.
so much sad, sad news this week. god rains on the just & unjust alike; the birds outside don't care; life goes on; the low-angled lulling golden sunlight on the dusky green mountains, the wisping burr of pine, don't care. am grateful to be ill here in the soft & quiet mountains rather than in the loud & dirty city, which is good for a dip but not for a life. i'd be even more depressed if there...
remembered to turn to stoicism, its readings imparting advice not unlike that in 12 step programs or christianity or buddhism of various patterns, to my synchretizing mind... so much is out of my control; my duty is to find meaning, keep composure, when it's lost, relocate it.
here are a few worthwhile links. dishes next, dang it.
this is great: adam smith, "loved and lovely"
failing is part of the deal

"you better be right, sinner, you better be right..."

this weird, cautionary song was recorded in the '50s by freddie & the hitchhikers & rediscovered by the cramps. i recorded the audio when we lived in the apartment in oc, ca, back in 2013. it's one of the cuts from our 2013 halloween mini cd, called something like happy f&*$ing spooky halloween (you get the idea). if you wanna hear more, just email me or james or see us on facebook.
that is all for now...

Life goes on for us. We're still alive. We're still here!!!!!

found myself in oildale, ca today saying that to a young guy i used to see at meetings who obviously sitting on the sidewalk dirty & ashamed wasn't in that sober place anymore, & he dipped his head & said beautiful & even wiped a tear. "brian visited me a few times when i was in jail," he said, referring to my 1st husband, & in that moment, i realized today was brian's bd, so i gave the young guy his number cause that'd be quite a nice bd present for brian, to do some 12 step work. then in another huge God shot, i turned around & another member of the fellowship was walking up, someone w lots of good time, & took the guy to his truck & gave him a shirt so he would be able to go into a place & get some food. "tell james hi," he called as i walked back to my vehicle, feeling so effin grateful & useful & happy, & then when i got in the car i learned life took away james's dear friend max. max! the greatest drummer i've ever heard, a smart talented wiry wily wisp of a guy, a trickster & a mensch. he chain smoked most of his life, got an aggressive lung cancer, immediately started a vigorous anti-smoking campaign, fought & fought to hold on! so scrappy, so vital was he, he last much longer than thought possible! but this p.m. he left this life & now the  rollercoaster has gone off the tracks into unbridled cyclone. why why why? there's no satisfying answer & after the happy beautiful trip of last week, i now feel clawed at & gnawed at by old dark inclinations, sad & mad in so many ways i can't even explain cause that box must stay nailed shut... i know after these dark skies, after this storm, the sun is gonna rise & hope when it does, i will be able to feel it. that we can feel it... we... can... good lord, max is gone & thousands mourn! unfettered souls swing from sweet, loving & kind to  suicidal, selfish, dishonest, damaged! i'd quote the big book, but what's the use? sometimes life is just pure sh*t & that's all there is to it.

binge

recently i was in a group of four or five women & it came up that every one of us has had eating disorders at one time or other. cheese & crackers! what kinda crap is that? to quote repo man, "i blame society..."
thought of this just now as i chomped down my (not gonna lie here) fifth piece of rugelach (had to look up the spelling), so tasty nutty-crunchy yet starchy-doughy, like so many foods i binge upon (shuddering while doing so since it's near-impossible to trace these tasties back to their originating farms or critters... or laboratories?) (btw, this is an eye-opening exercise to undertake when considering one's grub intake) (where was i?)  mom & dad got the rugelach & challah bread & other yummies from a jewish food festival that took place here in backwardsfield the other day... so i'm here to say hi to los padres magnificos & tomorrow have two dr appts before going back up the mtn to work... we had swell heart-warming small-town kinda events on the mountain the other day, a haunted library shindig my boss marie put on in spades w/the whole beautiful place decked out in morbid scary silly fun, then right across the street at the park, a community dinner put on by a local church, so i got spelled from patrol at work counting people in attendance to grab a bowl of delicious soup & bread AND see four of my warm happy friends from the drunk club! anyways, whatta life. i am really enjoying my turn lately, i tell you.
however, am frustrated trying to upload pix from james's & my trip; mama's little computador won't read the files, so i'm forced to be sensible & give up til am back home & can do it all in one swoop, rather than being a nut as is my tendency & spending hours here obsessively sending 80 photos one by one (the only way my phone will do it) to email, then creating a folder, dumping photos in one by one, then uploading each to facebook (see, i got it all figured out, like we nuts will do before embarking on some insane task completely counterproductive & time-wasting).
we had a really great great great great trip to the desert to celebrate three years' marriage, enjoying superb food & kind hospitality & very comfortable beds with nice soft sheets of higher thread count than my limbs & toes usually slide upon & wonderful gargantuan skies & lonely highways & neon lights & i could go on & on & on cause i can even binge on words.
instead i'll just post a pic or three or 9 of some highlights & more later, more later... maybe, who knows, who cares! just remember to watch (unless you're a homophobe) the french movie stranger by the lake (the eros & thanatos impulses! such scary twins! so spooky! so sexy! so doomed! been there, but ain't done THAT!) & read john waters' carsick (unless you're a homophobe... or have no sense of humor). chow!

james killed at sammy's original! god-like!

next we vegged at a wonderful spot in DHS

look at that face... can only write OMG!!

great guy commemorated in palm springs

the white shadow & the whiteboy in photogenic amboy

hanging w/shady & kim in bullhead city/laughlin

"help us, obi-wan!" awesome gift from shady guarded by magic glove

nearly the coolest place in vegas: james w/sci-fi center's william

after the trip: makeupless me w/kind, talented marie at haunted library

blablablablablablabla

mind's running a bit too fast to write much... all is swell. cooking, qi gong, friends, travels, "new" car (for a steal!), music, family, practice, library, paychecks, reading, step work, yoga, building projects, cat, funny hahaha, hahahahaha! blablablablabla!! more later, i think...

do wanna write that the oasis is considered to be the toughest bar in taft. i laugh! yeah, there's a fight near-every time we're there (not with our fans/watchers, & not cause of us, but cause of overuse of mind-altering substances by humans staying too long at the helm, i think). patrons & staff are always so friendly & accomodating & enthusiastic & happy & they have absolutely the best food i've ever had in a bar, specializing in sliders. we had fresh cod sliders one time recently! delicious! so fresh! so tender! (ok, the saloon we went with james's band in the netherlands, i just remembered, they served us, right at the bar, super-excellent scrumptious-tasty egg-bacon breakfasts next morn...) the fights happen after the shows, so don't worry, & realistically i think most can figure out that can be just what occurs when folks over-indulge, so please come down & see us for oildorado week at the oasis in taft!

no cover, just bring your dancing shoes & smiles... and tip money for the band, as james would say, "for the kids" (bwahaha; so irreverent is he.)

happy seven months drug-alcohol free to the man whom brother doug waggishly calls "james scarbelli" :D