Life goes on for us. We're still alive. We're still here!!!!!

found myself in oildale, ca today saying that to a young guy i used to see at meetings who obviously sitting on the sidewalk dirty & ashamed wasn't in that sober place anymore, & he dipped his head & said beautiful & even wiped a tear. "brian visited me a few times when i was in jail," he said, referring to my 1st husband, & in that moment, i realized today was brian's bd, so i gave the young guy his number cause that'd be quite a nice bd present for brian, to do some 12 step work. then in another huge God shot, i turned around & another member of the fellowship was walking up, someone w lots of good time, & took the guy to his truck & gave him a shirt so he would be able to go into a place & get some food. "tell james hi," he called as i walked back to my vehicle, feeling so effin grateful & useful & happy, & then when i got in the car i learned life took away james's dear friend max. max! the greatest drummer i've ever heard, a smart talented wiry wily wisp of a guy, a trickster & a mensch. he chain smoked most of his life, got an aggressive lung cancer, immediately started a vigorous anti-smoking campaign, fought & fought to hold on! so scrappy, so vital was he, he last much longer than thought possible! but this p.m. he left this life & now the  rollercoaster has gone off the tracks into unbridled cyclone. why why why? there's no satisfying answer & after the happy beautiful trip of last week, i now feel clawed at & gnawed at by old dark inclinations, sad & mad in so many ways i can't even explain cause that box must stay nailed shut... i know after these dark skies, after this storm, the sun is gonna rise & hope when it does, i will be able to feel it. that we can feel it... we... can... good lord, max is gone & thousands mourn! unfettered souls swing from sweet, loving & kind to  suicidal, selfish, dishonest, damaged! i'd quote the big book, but what's the use? sometimes life is just pure sh*t & that's all there is to it.