it's movie time again. i believe movies helped keep me alive til i started drinking. everything i did til i started drinking reeked of "leave me alone." i was a social inept, & legally blind w/o glasses, to boot. still am pretty backward socially, even after long-ago sobering up. my 1st husband bought me eye surgery in a generous act not-asked-for, so i can see now. i must thank him for that kind gesture cause being able to see really changed my life for the better.
this movie i feature bc not only is it badass & swell & one of the great b-noirs, but ralph meeker is one fine man... that i'd ignore his selfish & mean personality & fixate on his tough boyish manly looks troubles me, but there it is. were young ralph meeker or johnny weismuller alive today, & were i not married, i'd be in hollywood a-looking.
this reminds me of how much i loved the blasters' song "waiting for me" when i was a teenaged girl; desiring the strapping cocky wild-eyed looker who'll surely break your heart each time & you deserve it unfortunately has long been part of my understanding of "love"... all this talk of bad guys & bad habits reminds me that when i fell into a certain circle years back, apparently there were some grumblings i was a cop. me! the biggest chicken in the world! not to mention someone more interested in stopping crime before it starts, w/education & positive attention; not to mention someone w/a past herself... i've been thinking about this today, how my only understanding of the underworld always will be from movies, & i intend to keep it that way. i used to drink, steal, use drugs... but i've long been a citizen, an honorable one, by the way, least nowadays. to use the parlance of '40s noir, i've been a tomato, a dame, a looker, & yes, a boob, sap, & mark, too... but never will i be a con, crumb, rat, snitch, or pigeon. as james would say, "know that."
i don't know to whom exactly i'm writing, but i do know that while i'm still a trembling emotional wreck at times, i'm honest now & will stay that way. in fact, as i get older & stop caring what the world thinks of me but more what i think of the world, i'm only gonna get honester & braver.
hope you love the movie; look closely at the actress in the opening scene & recognize one of the world's greatest comediennes when she was but a young beauty queen neophyte trying to break out in lotusland...
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