day 10 of plague, fun w/dusk devils, the stupid poison of self-doubt, the juanenos & dear grandma mary live on

this is day 10 of my plague. but i know i will get better. so andale.
1st angel said we were "too good for bakersfield" (she is so sweet), then randy flattered the crap out of me the other night after treating the band to dinner @ the crystal palace (where token okies played). we had laughs, a ton of food, mark & i fought over the gigantic desserts (the mud pie was spectacular), then said our goodbyes & it was then that randy proceeded to say i was about the coolest thing since sliced bread. he is excited about the band! his enthusiasm is so neat to see! i felt very grateful! :however, also a bit like a weasel, for i fear i'd prompted his compliments by being too typically self-deprecating (tho, in my view, realistic) in stating that if we DO have professional photographers shoot us (the guys've been talking about this), i would prefer the cameras be ABOVE my head, not below, the latter not being exactly the most favorable angle for a middle-aged gal... randy, what a mensch, disagreed & basically said i had no bad angle.
well, if you go to youtube, you will see the latest video from the elvis show. and i will leave it to you to decide if being filmed beneath the chin really is my best angle. personally i think the shots on the big screen behind me look much better! anyways, thank you, franklin o & art, for posting our video. am thinking of barnum now... no publicity's bad pub...
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suddenly pictured mama smacking me for writing all of this at all. she says my sister & i spend too much time worrying about our looks, & rereading this, well, i guess she's right! body dysmorphia plagues all american women to some degree, tho, says my friend. & lately i've been really thinking about a beautiful & talented woman i know named candye & how proud she is of her plus-sized frame, & how full of self-confidence & sexiness & awesomeness & courage she is & i feel a little foolish for worrying about this dumb sack of bones & skin "i" presently inhabit. so maybe if i live to be 100, i'll be over all this & will see it's what's on the inside that matters, & even if the world might judge me by my outsides at times, why the heck should i do that? how does that insanity help one bit? thanatos or eros: what do i choose? or rather, what SHOULD i choose?? life's just too short to boo-hoo about one's shortcomings. too dang short!!!
today we went to uc irvine, my family & i, to make sure we stay on the juaneno rolls. we went in honor of grandma mary, who always wanted to see the tribe, her tribe, be recognized. this is supposed to be the year it happens! am trying not too be too cynical about the whole thing, wondering why in the world the u.s. gov would give prime so-cal real estate to a group of indians. maybe in grandma's memory; maybe in the name of miracle; maybe in the name of mercy & fairness; maybe it will happen. why not hold the hope? there were 1500 people there today, a huge crush, a far larger swarm than the 100 or so they'd anticipated, of medium-hued & tan people w/long straight black or graying hair who'd traveled from as far as arizona, lots of people who looked kind of like my sister & i, several who touchingly (for us all) resembled grandma mary enough that mama looked so happy, & dad teared up, & i felt comfortable, & maybe these were our people, after all, maybe i DO belong someplace on this earth. the star people, the acjachemen, the juaneno band of mission indians live on, exist, thrive, recognize one another, & maybe in 2010, will be "recognized" by the united states of america. i do hold the hope, mostly in honor of prudencia maria antonia elizabeth ollivares forquera, who ate abalone & mussels & played w/her brothers & sisters & was adored by her father & grew up along the shores of san juan capistrano, then los angeles, then pond, then finally delano, where she became our beloved grandma mary, whose memory we so cherish & hold dear in our hearts. maybe for her & all those like her, the beloved & departed ones, the juanenos will be "recognized."