cheese & crackers.

- what a weekend. was supposed to practice w/manuel down south, & got another music offer, too. flattered, i knew in my heart i must not do the latter. but since i have somewhat eroded boundaries lately, i waffled & worried about what to do. well, last sec manuel called to cancel; his bassist got a fill-in w/cannibal & the headhunters. i felt like the lord was stepping in on my behalf, & stayed in backwardsfield.
- today was mostly relieved from idle hands/mind by girlfriends in the program, w/whom i got to hang out; saw my wonderful sponsor speak; came home to a big bomb dropped. it was a bomb that has needed to drop, however, & tho horrified & sad, i was thankful for it.
- the paxtons picked me a song yrs ago: “my eyes say no, but i push right over.” being in that kinda situation is maybe fun to imagine, but it's scary in real life! i have had sufficient ballast to prevent actual capsize, but i don't sing that song anymore! some might say god beat the devil this time, or “it's LOVE that won, & ol' left hand HATE is down for the count!” (night of the hunter) the problem is, that sucker gets back up.
- three people in the committee of my mind need to be evicted: the little wimp that wants everyone to like her; the nerd that assumes no one ever would; & the egomaniac that loves flattery, caves to it, & insincerely coaxes it on, to everyone’s detriment.
- tonight i wrote a song about it all, but no one’ll ever hear it. in fact, i wonder how some people can bear to sing their very personal songs of heartache, guilt, suffering, & pain. for me, that’s like dying over & over! so i’m sticking to the innocuous, fun, rockin’ songs we do. they’re more soulful than the sad ones, to me, because they bring happiness. (dickens quote in pat’s house: “no one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of it to anyone else.”) i must be useful or i am nothing. that's how i feel at this moment, anyhow.
- did i mention i got the new job i (think i) wanted? found out friday, but haven’t really been able to enjoy the realization. i’m librarian now at a middle school where kids desperately need comfort & books. 13 women (but never no man in town) now come to the house weekly to work steps. bomb dropped, now i’ll get back to my life, back to the person i know i should be. tonight, i'm sad people are hurt, but grateful to get back on the straight & narrow. music is enough wildness for me. the rest just will not be.