Sunday, September 07, 2008

cheese & crackers.

- what a weekend. was supposed to practice w/manuel down south, & got another music offer, too. flattered, i knew in my heart i must not do the latter. but since i have somewhat eroded boundaries lately, i waffled & worried about what to do. well, last sec manuel called to cancel; his bassist got a fill-in w/cannibal & the headhunters. i felt like the lord was stepping in on my behalf, & stayed in backwardsfield.
- today was mostly relieved from idle hands/mind by girlfriends in the program, w/whom i got to hang out; saw my wonderful sponsor speak; came home to a big bomb dropped. it was a bomb that has needed to drop, however, & tho horrified & sad, i was thankful for it.
- the paxtons picked me a song yrs ago: “my eyes say no, but i push right over.” being in that kinda situation is maybe fun to imagine, but it's scary in real life! i have had sufficient ballast to prevent actual capsize, but i don't sing that song anymore! some might say god beat the devil this time, or “it's LOVE that won, & ol' left hand HATE is down for the count!” (night of the hunter) the problem is, that sucker gets back up.
- three people in the committee of my mind need to be evicted: the little wimp that wants everyone to like her; the nerd that assumes no one ever would; & the egomaniac that loves flattery, caves to it, & insincerely coaxes it on, to everyone’s detriment.
- tonight i wrote a song about it all, but no one’ll ever hear it. in fact, i wonder how some people can bear to sing their very personal songs of heartache, guilt, suffering, & pain. for me, that’s like dying over & over! so i’m sticking to the innocuous, fun, rockin’ songs we do. they’re more soulful than the sad ones, to me, because they bring happiness. (dickens quote in pat’s house: “no one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of it to anyone else.”) i must be useful or i am nothing. that's how i feel at this moment, anyhow.
- did i mention i got the new job i (think i) wanted? found out friday, but haven’t really been able to enjoy the realization. i’m librarian now at a middle school where kids desperately need comfort & books. 13 women (but never no man in town) now come to the house weekly to work steps. bomb dropped, now i’ll get back to my life, back to the person i know i should be. tonight, i'm sad people are hurt, but grateful to get back on the straight & narrow. music is enough wildness for me. the rest just will not be.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jenny, It sounds like something pretty bad has happened. You and Brian are in my prayers. EZ duz it. You know where to find us if you need us!
Love, Bill

Lady Hermione said...

Hope all is well. COngrats of the new position!

Anonymous said...

i've always been drawn to brilliant people, and you're that. i've always been attracted to women who are really original and you're that. i also like people who stick on my mind, and you're that.
(Sept. 3)

Anonymous said...

"three people in the committee of my mind need to be evicted: the little wimp that wants everyone to like her; the nerd that assumes no one ever would; & the egomaniac that loves flattery, caves to it, & insincerely coaxes it on, to everyone’s detriment."

I love this part because that's how I feel 99% of the time. I hope you're doing well.

-Jono

Anonymous said...

Time heals all wounds. And wounds all heels.
@

Anonymous said...

No longer a deathrocker, by the way :-)