karma karma karma karma karma reptilian

 i don't know why i wrote that at top. james was talking with me about ufos the other day. maybe that's it.  today, in response to a quick cartoon i drew & posted to half-a**edly help promote an upcoming duo show, someone posted a pic he'd drawn of james that was very unflattering,... so i went digging through boxes under my bed for a similar one i'd done of james yrs back, just to show him, bc the one the dude had done of james was not a good likeness at all, & in fact, was rather hideous... but out of those boxes came explosions of memory: people who died died, loved ones no longer here, mistakes i've made, nasty folks i've known, balls i've dropped & ppl i've let down and pet children no longer mine & a long, lonely, ruined relationship that still haunts me at times, not that i want it back bc my life now is better than it's ever been, but that i shouldn't've gotten into it to begin with. but i was immature. i was the best i could do.... which wasn't much! i hurt people & didn't realize it. i did not want to hurt my 1st husband. and he wasn't the only one: i was an  a**hole, thoughtlessly cruel. and what for? so many loved ones gone... so i blubbered & blubbered & thought, sh*t! this is what you get! karma did this to you since your motive was selfish --  to find your drawing and show someone. that was an a**hole move, a real regression. it's happened a lot, but the difference now is, every time i'm not nice, the universe (or human meaning-making) throws it right back in my face. 

anyways, i've cried my face off so much this eve looking through those dang boxes (never found the drawing, of course) that the human suit is now deflated. so i moved on to vacation photos. yep, i got most of our pix from texas up; one folder would not save, so i will try again tomorrow. we had a nice time in tx, so maybe i''ll write more later, but meantime, know that candler wilkinson iv, the yodeling jazzman who looks like a honky-tonk punk, put on a heck of a show due to his gorgeous vocals & intensely personal setlist & the dude is DEFINITELY worth seeking out, especially if backed by drummer adrian voorhies.

right now i'm comforted by what james said earlier: you are a good person. you don't do those things anymore. and it's true -- i go to texas, or LA, wherever, and unlike before, now i get to be a true-blue wife, sister, daughter, cousin, friend, teacher, musician, human, not let ppl down anymore, chase attention, talk sh*t to build myself up, or drop ppl like objects. thank Goodness, james, & mister and missus gia for any change i now live in.

well, the rest of the pix won't load so i think that's a sign to get off of here.

the austin hotel (not the one on congress, which has gotten far too chi-chi) (there i go again), the one we stayed at was real nice, right next to travis heights, with wallpaper featuring the visages of texas musicians. breakfast was good, & it wasn't far from the lake and its wonderful jogging trail.