texas, life, blablabla

 used to go to tx for family, travel, music, men. now i travel w/my man for family & music. here are some recent pix from tx. we love the lone star state, tho so much of it blares brashly, arrogantly red. i can be deep blue & yet love aspects of redness that aren't really redness: good manners, kindness, work ethic, responsibility, family... those are traits that don't belong to them. i know that so they don't bother me unless they stick their dogma in my face. that didn't happen too much while we were there, & when it did, i shut it down. let's just agree to disagree. it worked.

one torpid afternoon, i jogged along my cousin's beautiful canopied road with lovely wildflowers and trees all about, & some of the wide-stretching ranch homes bore mean red signs for the defeated orange stain... whatever: he lost! he's gone! they might think not... the truth's the truth, & i still can enjoy myself.

i like cities less & less all the time. aspects? yes. music, restaurants, architecture, services free to all such as public spaces, walking/biking/running trails, hiking areas, dog parks, beautiful sites... but cities are compacted & heart-breakingly stratified. i know our country is a big beautiful mess, but i don't want to see the mess part. others in my family are braver: mama, for example, is a true-blue activist, turning 77 this year. angie & doug (sister & bro-in-law) minister to & feed people weekly. but willful ignorance is the only way to be for me. here & there, yeah, i do good works, too, but i don't seek them out. have to stay alive, & too much reality... can't cut it.

anyways, i'm "flat-butting" at the computer, as dad calls it, & later we head to bakingfield for a few days. i don't know if the lil loafer trailer will sell. had mucho response but no one really committing. hope it does so we can get a larger trailer w/bathroom & kitchen. that way mom & dad (and maybe more visitors) can stay here comfortably.

well, that's it for now, i think. except we are playing on july 16. i think there will be a flyer, but maybe not.

karma karma karma karma karma reptilian

 i don't know why i wrote that at top. james was talking with me about ufos the other day. maybe that's it.  today, in response to a quick cartoon i drew & posted to half-a**edly help promote an upcoming duo show, someone posted a pic he'd drawn of james that was very unflattering,... so i went digging through boxes under my bed for a similar one i'd done of james yrs back, just to show him, bc the one the dude had done of james was not a good likeness at all, & in fact, was rather hideous... but out of those boxes came explosions of memory: people who died died, loved ones no longer here, mistakes i've made, nasty folks i've known, balls i've dropped & ppl i've let down and pet children no longer mine & a long, lonely, ruined relationship that still haunts me at times, not that i want it back bc my life now is better than it's ever been, but that i shouldn't've gotten into it to begin with. but i was immature. i was the best i could do.... which wasn't much! i hurt people & didn't realize it. i did not want to hurt my 1st husband. and he wasn't the only one: i was an  a**hole, thoughtlessly cruel. and what for? so many loved ones gone... so i blubbered & blubbered & thought, sh*t! this is what you get! karma did this to you since your motive was selfish --  to find your drawing and show someone. that was an a**hole move, a real regression. it's happened a lot, but the difference now is, every time i'm not nice, the universe (or human meaning-making) throws it right back in my face. 

anyways, i've cried my face off so much this eve looking through those dang boxes (never found the drawing, of course) that the human suit is now deflated. so i moved on to vacation photos. yep, i got most of our pix from texas up; one folder would not save, so i will try again tomorrow. we had a nice time in tx, so maybe i''ll write more later, but meantime, know that candler wilkinson iv, the yodeling jazzman who looks like a honky-tonk punk, put on a heck of a show due to his gorgeous vocals & intensely personal setlist & the dude is DEFINITELY worth seeking out, especially if backed by drummer adrian voorhies.

right now i'm comforted by what james said earlier: you are a good person. you don't do those things anymore. and it's true -- i go to texas, or LA, wherever, and unlike before, now i get to be a true-blue wife, sister, daughter, cousin, friend, teacher, musician, human, not let ppl down anymore, chase attention, talk sh*t to build myself up, or drop ppl like objects. thank Goodness, james, & mister and missus gia for any change i now live in.

well, the rest of the pix won't load so i think that's a sign to get off of here.

the austin hotel (not the one on congress, which has gotten far too chi-chi) (there i go again), the one we stayed at was real nice, right next to travis heights, with wallpaper featuring the visages of texas musicians. breakfast was good, & it wasn't far from the lake and its wonderful jogging trail.