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was sposed to go to bakersfield for momś sister´s 80th bd, but we are having 50mph gusts & i know that means itś likely the grapevine will go down due to chp closure or accident. the grapevine cyn, part of the I-5 artery, creates a massive wind tunnel vulnerable to fire & hazardous driving conditions. if i can´t get back, the animals will be alone since james is heading w/bro doug down to the border for mission tijuana toys. (i was gonna call doug about the wind, but nothing´ll stop him so there´s no point.) every yr doug brings a panel truck of toys to a tijuana church for distribution to local kids. james as co-pilot means they will have a great fun day of eating, bellowing, laughing, crying, caffeine consumption, smoking, & speeding that will lead straight into the late night. they will have a grand time but meantime someone´s gotta make sure penny & peewee pets aren´t left home all alone after hours. so iḿ staying here.

which is fine bc i´ve got plenty to do as well as extra allure of the storm sky show at the picture window here. it really captivates. 

called my aunt to tell her i wouldn´t be there & heard a crazy story. their dad, our grandpa, was a smart, depressed, grouchy, carob-skinned man of south american descent. i mostly remember him sitting glumly in his chair in the living room watching ball games & yelling at us kids as we stole sips from his ice tea glass. i always figured he was how he was bc he longed to be white, but my aunt said this: grandpa had been in the civilian conservation corp in early fdr days & was trapped in a forest fire in the sequoias. she said ¨they had an indian man who was helping them¨ and he told them all the only way they´d survive would be to strip off all clothes, including underwear & shoes, & run like hell through the flames to escape. only the guide, grandpa, & one other guy did it; the others stayed back & perished. all the hair on grandpa´s body was burned off & he spent weeks in a hospital near san francisco. so there might´ve been another reason our grandpa was so somber: trauma.

addendum: woke with a start in the middle of the night: our dear grandma, who put up with grandpa´s bad behavior for over 60 years, also was blunted by a horrifying tragedy. i think iḿ relating all of this because it helps support the idea that ¨if i knew all, i would forgive all.¨ ... or understand all. life is, after all, a path of uncovering, discovering, discarding, trudging, repeat...

there is little to forgive grandma for; we in the family joke that she was a saint to live with grandpa all those years. her family is native american, californianos due to their juaneno blood. as a young, beautiful girl, she & her sisters were outfitted in roaring 20s finery by a loving father. one day (was this in redondo beach? certainly not delano) she & her best sister margaret were out riding around in a truck with a boy when a jealous, spurned suitor of margaret´s, or maybe just a maniac someone who liked her but she didn´t like,  pulled up to the truck & fired into the window, killing margaret with one blast. our grandma was sitting in the truck right beside her sister when she was murdered.

so both of mama´s parents, i now know, were altered by trauma. that side of the family´s tradition of deep depression, anxiety, addictions, suicides now sadly makes a lot of sense. 

i made nyc take-out breakfast for james & i as the wind roared outside: everything bagel topped with cheddar & eggs. it was ultra-savory, a gut bomb, but that´s good bc won´t have to worry for some time about eating again.

well, i wanted to write to share the following recipe, but as usual a bunch of other stuff came out, so here finally is the recipe:

allergy & arthritis relief cocktail (i don´t really know if it works, but the individual ingredients are reported to, so all together should be even better, right?)

cup of cold tea for base (i used our homemade kombucha)

1/3 T turmeric + dash of pepper, which makes the turmeric bio-available

1/3 T ginger

dash of cayenne

dash of lemon

apple cider vinegar

one shot immediately clears my sinuses. i like to think it helps with reducing inflammation tho my neck still hurts like a mudderhumper.

ok, thatś all for now, be grateful, be well, remember to stretch & smile.