the heat, the hip, & the blues

-james grew up in south los angeles: paramount/compton, cerritos, then migrated to lakewood/long beach in adulthood after the army. i, on the other hand, spent the 1st 43 life-years in... wait for it... BAKINGFIELD, CA, one of the hottest places on earth. in summer & part of autumn, temps are normally above 100 fahrenheit, & at nighttime, it only will drop sometimes 5 or 10 degrees. what a grueling ordeal, to walk around at 10 pm in 90 degree heat... so here on the hill, at 85 degrees, it's a real scorcher for many, but for me... pleasantly temperate. also, this "nothing will save it but dynamite" house i got for cash bc it was a dump is situated on a hill with mountains to the north: the breezes blow through the house, unbeatably comfortable at times.
-that graph contained bragging, or humble-bragging, or backward bragging, or whatever: "look how tough i am; i can endure so much crap." james says LA people do it about traffic: the heat (& smog) in  bakersfield's something you just grow up in & must endure as is "free"way traffic to angelenos.
-it's helped, too, spending summer vacations in desert hot springs & texas: hot, hot, hot! i finally understood an advantage of southern humid heat: you sweat your buns off, then the wind comes up & wa-la!: built-in air conditioning!

very tired, but together again, our tears have stopped falling

-next, turns out that independently james & i  both were fixated on leaving this earth earlier in the week, but things are better now. am glad to have a break from the gnawing dulling incessant death-thoughts that sent me to a bat-house in 2011. what combination of gasses or pills would result in a quick & painless end? the trick always is, when this stinking thinking pervades: how to do it w/o hurting  loved ones?
-the answer is: you can't. maybe when quite old, if no loved ones remain, maybe, maybe then. but the healthy part of this brain knows  i likely still will have loved ones then, though they may be entirely different ones than the ones i get to share my life with now.
-we played two gigs this past week. james says i "carried the show" tuesday at shenanigan's: sang a lot & was cheery & well-received by the audience. i could tell i performed sturdily. my instrumentals with steve went well.
-that was balanced by last night with james's band, when i tanked an instrumental, starting in the wrong key &,  doomed from that point, couldn't get back on my feet. damn!!!!
-lesson: never improv an instrumental heard on a CD/radio & think, "hey, i'll try that in front of a live audience!" that works for a lick or two in my case, but i'm not skilled enough to pull an entire song off with no practice, especially when i start in the wrong key.
live & learn.
-anyways, it's been fun playing with everyone, even if someone i know has had a serious case of the blues that came out especially tuesday as a severe & intense nastiness... blessedly, i didn't take it personally bc that would've not helped things one bit, & he bounced back; he always does. we always does.
t-he other day i entered Land of las Viejas, getting a hip x-ray. then the doc took me off blood pressure med, so now i'm getting fat, so she suggested consuming 1800 calories daily. i've probably been doubling that, especially when in texas!! since i was bulimic when young, my long-standing credo's  been "diet, never" since diets could be a slippery slope for me. but it feels good these last few days, reading labels & getting re-educated about food ingredients, getting some control over this. it feels better to eat better. now i just need that x-ray to show no hip fracture so nice doctor jen'll administer that cortisone shot....then i can run again!!!!!! life without music is no life, but life without running has been less than a thrill!!!! power walking w/doggy just ain't the same!!!!
-tomorrow: santa barbara w/james... next week: portland & seattle family trip!! woo-hoo!!!
be coo, foo. and i hope anything written here's been helpful.