texas

sometimes i get that old lonesome thing about being invisible. for yrs in my youth, i thought i was invisible. people didn't seem to see me, & i would hide inside my clothes or just stay away from others. lately i've done TWO races & there hasn't been even ONE pic of me!! then that weird feeling comes up: maybe you're invisible. maybe you don't exist. maybe people don't like you. maybe you're too weird-looking, ugly, deformed, non-white, etc etc etc: the old dysmorphic dysphoric selfish addict mind slides right in, damn that thing!!
so here's sort-of evidence of the last race, which i did in my dear cousin tushi's town, granbury tx, on my 23rd sobriety bd. the bottom right pic shows cousin thomas & me watching the 4th of july parade right after i finished the granbury 5k; i'm in terrible pain in this pic! i've been nursing an iliac crest injury after two crashes onto my hip while with her highness the dog, & i wrenched it terribly having to chase her up the mountain for 15 mins a few wks ago when she ran away... damned princess dog!!!! why do we have to love her so much!!! she can be such a pain in the rear!!!!
i've been reading chi running, which is supposed to reduce injury, & i hadn't been running for a week so i thought i was ok, but at mile 1.5 of the race, i decided to stop & walk a bit because the hip was feeling a little funny & AARGGGGHHHHH!!!! a knife shoved up into it, just excruciating!! so i walked & jogged the rest of the race, which was stupid, i should have stopped. the rest of my trip i mostly spent on the heating pad bc i scarcely could walk... but it was a good time. my cousin & i are so different, but so connected: i'm a week older than her bc i was premature, so she says that was bc "you always have to come first; you've always been such an inpatient b*tch!!" she historically has thought my every interest & utterance to be totally lacking in common sense & also super-weird; meanwhile, i have watched her love of the dukes of hazzard, kiss, dog the bounty hunter, hulk hogan, "smut" romance novels etc w/disgusted amusement.
typical exchange: me, seeing these pix: "wow! my hair's gotten really gray!" tushi (outraged tone): "what was your first clue??? you know they make this thing called hair dye! unless you prefer looking like a little old lady!!"
deep down, we are so proud of each other. tushi is ridiculously extravagant in some ways, & so funny, & has such a big heart, & is both totally impractical & very down-to-earth. she takes great pride in her grooming, wardrobe, & accessories & never apologizes for being her, which is startling, wonderful, & refreshing to an inborn neurotic like me. my cousin has been overweight since she was 5, & she's proudly big, saying she shops at the "heifer store" & to haters, "i'm fat but you're ugly, & i can lose weight"... one of the worst traits of any person, i think, is disdain toward others for their lack of money, their dark skin color, or their nationality/extra bodyweight; i really hate haters, which i know is hypocritical, but i don't care, & i just love the sh*t out of my cousin tushi. :)
her son, my cousin thomas, is a big, wise soul who's been through 2 rounds of brain cancer. he had the same cancer as chubby from our gang, but thomas is in remission now. he has wanted to be a mermaid since a young age & always has marched to his own drummer. i was really pleased to get to spend time with him, creative, imaginative, chatty, bumbling, & kind. thomas has lots of dreams & ideas. we went out into the pasture one day so he could show me his horse, general, as well as all the goats, to visit rosie the donkey, & to show me the trees he has named. we watched his favorite movie, the greatest showman, for which he says he needs "a recovery program."
tushi, thomas, & i watched the parade w/the rest of the family, ate hot dogs & hamburgers, watched tv, laid around and talked, went to san antonio, where we walked around the riverwalk & stayed at a hotel w/a view of san fernando mission as well as a "bachelor pad" for thomas, & ate at crazy, beautiful mi tierra. next day, tushi took thomas to the alamo & i bought records from alamo records inside an antique mall: albert ammons, women of boogie-woogie, & a jimmy yancey 45. we went to babe's fried chicken house, my favorite place to eat when i visit tx now, & i found a "jim yancey" piano book on the granbury square. most all texas towns have a square, & we agreed while driving around that granbury's lovely touristy one makes most all others look like crap. thomas & i went antiquing one day & i got him two independence day-themed beanie babie to commemorate my visit.
then getting home turned into an unexpected but not-terrible (although very long) adventure, & next evening james & i had a gig in long beach, but i'll write about that all later maybe. time to resume cleaning house.