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I am now on the slide into 50! It's okay because Mama says I am getting wiser, and I know even with all the bumps and bruises that have characterized the garden-variety chaos of this short blessed life, I'm fundamentally a good soul surrounded by other good souls. At this moment I look forward with hope and a bit of nervousness, even, cause I mustn't mess up even one day more, the thought of getting older, anticipating closer ties with ever-more loved ones, more honesty, safety, patience, community, closeness, love, warmth. The hard heart of my youth has melted, and this birthday has brought the biggest learning experiences ever... Well, I am dictating this entry into my dad's nook, bringing interesting corrections such as Obama instead of mama and Willie Mays for I don't even know what I'd dictated in that case, but it was not Willie Mays! The era of Dick Tracy and Buck Rogers is upon us - didn't anticipate the unintentionally humorous parts. :-) Let me see... Today we left Frazier Park for Bakersfield after moving a bunch of heavy furniture yesterday with the family back and forth between the towns... James and I both are pretty sore and worn out and tired from it all, for certain, and wiser how to do such things from now on... Mama made my favorite, chicken marbella, and I got from my husband the most beautiful sapphire and topaz dangling earrings as well as expensive makeup I've not bought in a long time and fragrant fruity tea... Then Mom and Dad gave me, wrapped up all fancy, paper towels, toilet paper, and napkins, all that had been missing yesterday in Frazier Park. Everybody got a big kick out of that! Be safe, be happy, be thoughtful, be of grateful heart for bullets dodged literally and figuratively and the every-new-day promise of doing better and still getting to live. I'm am.

"pink lemonade and mustard dogs, bet some money on the jumping frogs, do some huggin' and lovin' at the county fair..." (whiteboy james)

- we had three days of such a blast, nothing but fun & love & excitement & music... it was incredible! as in beyond belief! getting ready for the show last night even was thrilling as we listened to music & put on show clothes & he said, "we get to go play music, baby! we GET to!"
me: i thought you didn't like listening to music before a show...
him: naw, that's in the car, & that'll probably be different now, too. i've never known a girl who listened to cool music! they'd put on the eagles or some other crap!...
him: like rush!
me: oh, i hate rush! and pink floyd!
him: aw, man! "neil peart's the best drummer in the world!" kiss my ass!! people've told me, "yeah, man, they're heavy. i don't blame you if they make you sad." and i say, "no, mothef*cker, it don't make me sad, it makes me wanna kick your ass! this isn't music, it's like taking a beating!" i mean, the wrong music gives me a headache, makes me sick to my stomach...
me: i've started crying before... one time in austin i threw up.
him: i wanna say, "real music? singing about spaceships & all this other bullsh*t? that ain't music! if big joe turner heard that, he'd beat the sh*t out of you! johnny guitar watson'd stab you! jerry lee lewis would beat you to death with a crowbar, then steal your woman AND your mother!" i mean, these are REAL men -- chuck berry, cab calloway, roy brown, fats waller, johnny cash. "i'm gonna sit right here until i die." that is some heavy real-life pain! [hasil adkin's "the hunch" comes on.]
me: hah! the haz! wonder what HE's singing about? haha!
him: whatever it is, it's beautiful! it's spiritual! this cat is real! i mean, if this music doesn't move you, doesn't make you feel alive, there's something fundamentally, spiritually WRONG WITH YOU!
- james dressed in a black suit & satin shirt w/kerchief. he looked bitchin!! feeling especially music-filled, i wore my professor longhair shirt & hoped a little of that fess spirit would shine through my fingers that night... tony snapped this swell pic, which i post here cause, well, we won't always be so photogenic! uncle jimmy quipped, "is that my cousin bettie page?" drummer ron felton wrote, "cesar and cleopatra"... people in their  inventiveness can write & say some pretty cool things!

our sets went great! the soundman gave a terrific vocal mix & scott lambert, especially, burst with happiness all night long. james's suit seemed to give him special magical powers: he was twice as animated, warm, hyper, tough, funny, irreverent, elegant, cool, & athletic... his harmonica solos were especially bright & muscular! yes, i'll remember the three days culminating in harvelle's as magical ones. we've just celebrated 9 months' marriage! james said, "it's like we gave birth to a baby called happiness!" true as the sun rises each morn: a man of more memorable, colorful expression  i've never met!
today we're going to the county fair, me & james, me & my big smart funny man, & i can't wait! we love love love fairs, but this'll be our first together. james helped write phil alvin's/the blasters' "county fair" song, one of my most favorite songs by one of my most favorite bands.... of course. synchronicity, happenstance, meant-to-be, dumb luck, fortune, quien sabe? sólo la sombra sabe... happy eve or day to you who may still be reading...

it's time for another message from my husband, james, aka whiteboy james

aka the long beach pulverizer, aka mayor of misery, aka your daddy (ask your momma)... greetings, blogophiles! i would like to first of all thank my wife jenny for allowing me to plug my solo blog project: www.jamesapage.blogspot.com ...  hopefully i can steal at least half of her readers over to my blog. i'll give them back when i'm done. is anybody still there? ok, good. my blog will most likely not be as legibly written as jenny's unless i have her type for me. she's a better speller than i am, & just a darned good american. i would like to apologize to all of you who i may offend with my blog, including but not limited to rockers, mods, skas, bluesmen that wear stupid little hats, hair bands, goths, hillbillies, rednecks, emos, hipsters, scenesters, rockabillies, all other billies, and especially you, yes, you reading this right now. you oughta be ashamed of yourself. put some clothes on. what are you doing in your underwear in the middle of the night looking at a computer?? why are you on my wife's blog with no clothes on?? what are you, a creep?? do you know that's illegal in five other countries? countries with real punishments, real prisons, real bad guys... and no cops to come and save you. they'd probably find the kiddy porn on your computer, & you'd be hauled away... well, good riddance, i say.
well, now that that fella's gone to put on his boxer shorts, do the rest of you think you're innocent? are you laughing at that guy? would you laugh if he was there in front of you? would you laugh if i was there? not just cause i'm funny... anyways, i digress. let's get back to the subject at hand. who do you think is the best-looking movie star that ever lived? here are your choices:
1. mel blanc
2. charlton heston
3. peter lorre
4. charles laughton
i guess it's safe to say that charlton heston's the best-looking man who ever lived -- not that the other choices weren't good-looking men. they were all quite attractive in an interesting sort of genetic-piece-of-garbage way. i think they all had hyperthyroid, or whatever you call it, where the eyes bug out. you know, like marty feldman. woody allen also had that condition, but he wore big glasses so you could never really see his eyes... ah ha! i heard that! you scoff: "woody allen married his stepdaughter!" oh, like you're perfect! stop judging people!
anyways, my blog. it'll probably be a bunch of disjointed ridiculous dribble, kind of like what you're reading now, if you're still there. hello? are you still there? the following people are forbidden from reading my blog:
1. adolph hitler
2. idi amin
3. the pope, whoever it may be right now
4. john madden
5. anyone related to john wayne
6. right-wing nuts
7. left-wing screwballs
8. middle of the road bozos who can't pick a side
9. that dude who went to put on his boxer shorts. he oughta be ashamed. don't laugh: you're not perfect, either.
i must go. what do you think i do, blog all night? i am going to google myself and see how many times my picture comes up, read about myself, watch videos of myself... with my clothes on, thank you. and i'll also make out with my wife, something you'll never get to do. anyways, i hope that didn't bum you out, have a good end of july, a fine august, see you in september... or sooner, if you go to my new blog. or catch me at www.whiteboyjames.com for a list of my upcoming shows. feel free to come see my band, the blues express, & my wife jenny, who also is backed by the blues express. all are welcome except the people on the prohibited list, & that bozo who was naked earlier. love your mother, if she's still alive, eat a lot of ice cream, smoke menthol cigarettes, & you'll grow up to be like me. i love all of you. but not as much as i love my wife. good day.

as i jogged today...

i thought about this body, this carcass or "human suit," as james has called it, carrying me around all these years, & had the realization: it's some feat to carry such a thing around for this long, heck, passing 4 1/2 decades now, especially saddled w/the brain it has! this smallish container, one i've lifelong thought to be so flawed, really is a venerable thing, as are all human bodies that endure, even thrive, in this realm called living. heck, the human body itself, no matter its longevity: what a marvel!  yes, mine has maintained & sometimes overflowed w/life & has persevered, in spite of its rather cracked coconut... this morn before jogging at the wetlands i went to a yoga class taught by a woman looking typically "orange county," to my provincial eye: taut, blonde, bleached smile -- but this one didn't mention "working on" her tan even once (a topic sadly common around these parts! don't these females have anything deeper to consider than intentionally baking their flesh? and that such a vapid self-centered topic is acceptable to blather loudly about in public? arrghh!!!) this teacher was of cheerful, husky voice & helpful instruction; she was quiet wonderful! what a delight to find this lovely person in the oc gym-sea of airheads! :D .... ok, now it's many days later! we had the swellest visit to the mtn home & gig there at sue's tavern & hosted friends & finally watched "the yakuza," a flick i knew james'd love w/its emphasis on honor & its plot twists & sincerity. a summer storm hit the mtn & we learned that we each love the smell of rain! we slumbered to its patter on the roof, its musty-fresh fragrance heady... he announced we should surprise mama for her bd, so we did!, driving to smoggy, blast-furnace bakersfield w/chocolate fudge cake & restaurant gift certificate & she & dad were so happy when we showed up! then back to the mtn for a day of yard work, junk & antique stores, chinese food enjoyed w/chopsticks to the poignant tinkle of gentle music &  green of peaceful trees... today was sad for a bit, w/scary news from one of my dearest friends, but her brave attitude touched me & reminded me to be strong & cheerful for her, my dear kind sweet friend whom i don't see much these days... i tutored & my boy was, as usual, bright-eyed & eager to learn, then james swung by & swooped me up & we got haircuts & visited a gorgeous music studio helmed by kind very successful couple & got to hear outtakes of mel blanc spitting out profanities in his inimitably famous cartoon voices! quite hilarious! we ate big sandwiches & came home where i was so happy to ace a few online tests & order goodies to be sent to loved ones for various occasions this wk, then we exercised in the garage before playing music for quite some time. james has such a powerful singing voice, he's never sung w/others, but he's highly interested in ME teaching him how to sing harmonies, so we worked for a while on a song i turned him on to which i thought was hank ballard, but turns out is the clovers. jamesjr came in our rm to visit & decribe a sci-fi short story he wrote & now they're making a fast food run while i type... and life today is good... we're not pushing up daisies.

"even crazy, i'm as nice as a chocolate bar" - anne sexton

here's another one: the maniac

Those eyes that beam so beauteous bright, And all the heaven within declare, May set ere long in starless night Or kindle with demoniac glare. The thrilling voice, oft heard to bless, Whose accents memory would prolong, May tell the story of distress, Or warble sorrow's broken song. That heart where feeling holds its throne, Which fondly beats to love and me, Cold as the unsunned marble stone, May lie in frigid apathy.
Read more at http://www.blackcatpoems.com/t/the_maniac.html#pXm8GuigedPWZi5h.99

Those eyes that beam so beauteous bright, And all the heaven within declare, May set ere long in starless night Or kindle with demoniac glare. The thrilling voice, oft heard to bless, Whose accents memory would prolong, May tell the story of distress, Or warble sorrow's broken song. That heart where feeling holds its throne, Which fondly beats to love and me, Cold as the unsunned marble stone, May lie in frigid apathy.
Read more at http://www.blackcatpoems.com/t/the_maniac.html#h0W06ZRD6Xe3bMxl.99

Those eyes that beam so beauteous bright, And all the heaven within declare, May set ere long in starless night Or kindle with demoniac glare. The thrilling voice, oft heard to bless, Whose accents memory would prolong, May tell the story of distress, Or warble sorrow's broken song. That heart where feeling holds its throne, Which fondly beats to love and me, Cold as the unsunned marble stone, May lie in frigid apathy.
Read more at http://www.blackcatpoems.com/t/the_maniac.html#h0W06ZRD6Xe3bMxl.99

 thank you, billy, for the great pictures...

Those eyes that beam so beauteous bright, And all the heaven within declare, May set ere long in starless night Or kindle with demoniac glare. The thrilling voice, oft heard to bless, Whose accents memory would prolong, May tell the story of distress, Or warble sorrow's broken song. That heart where feeling holds its throne, Which fondly beats to love and me, Cold as the unsunned marble stone, May lie in frigid apathy.
Read more at http://www.blackcatpoems.com/t/the_maniac.html#pXm8GuigedPWZi5h.99

Those eyes that beam so beauteous bright, And all the heaven within declare, May set ere long in starless night Or kindle with demoniac glare. The thrilling voice, oft heard to bless, Whose accents memory would prolong, May tell the story of distress, Or warble sorrow's broken song. That heart where feeling holds its throne, Which fondly beats to love and me, Cold as the unsunned marble stone, May lie in frigid apathy.
Read more at http://www.blackcatpoems.com/t/the_maniac.html#pXm8GuigedPWZi5h.99

Those eyes that beam so beauteous bright, And all the heaven within declare, May set ere long in starless night Or kindle with demoniac glare. The thrilling voice, oft heard to bless, Whose accents memory would prolong, May tell the story of distress, Or warble sorrow's broken song. That heart where feeling holds its throne, Which fondly beats to love and me, Cold as the unsunned marble stone, May lie in frigid apathy.
Read more at http://www.blackcatpoems.com/t/the_maniac.html#h0W06ZRD6Xe3bMxl.99

all is well...

no worries!
come to the show tonight at harvelle's. bring a family member & get a free whiteboy james & the blues express sticker, hot off the press! he's sleeping & i am making this offer because... i drew the sticker! show up on time (9 pm) or you'll miss my set... unless that's your intention! :D mom & dad are visiting & they loved the library. we've eaten well & had much nice conversation. they have been so nice to james & james; it makes me proud & grateful. before we head to harvelle's, we hope to show them around long beach & san pedro to contrast w/the town where we now live. they have a very nice room around the corner -- makes me realize we've not stayed in a motel since the honeymoon! i spose we will when we go to his show in sturgis in a few wks... that will be an exciting & very hurried road trip! well, right now i'm doing a "bucket list" assignment for my class, so i'm researching the burial site of marcus aurelius. that led to this swell succinct description of a philosophy i'd be most calmed & pleased eventually to be able to live within. i know our dad's character  was deeply influenced by m. aurelius's "meditations," & i've studied it a lot. just hope someday i actually absorb it: overview of stoicism

sssshhhhhhhhhhhwoooooooooooooooooossssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........sssssssssssssssssssssssss...............

sometimes when i can't take it, i pop a little bitty pill i was prescribed years back. perhaps it's no longer fully effective, but it helps me still! half the size of an altoid, an hr w/it down my gullet i start hearing the ocean swooshing in my head. my face melts placid as a rubber doll's & the steel bands around my forehead, neck & chest release. i get chinese eyes & forget to breathe, or maybe my respiration just slows way down to pro-athlete level, i'd like to think. most of the time after little pill i then will sleep very calmly & deeply for a long time, but today i decided to clean house. it's been slow going, but peaceful... one time i thought i was too panicked to make it even one more day in this realm, so i took two of the little things as emergency preventative  & then couldn't get up for three days. the life of the lightweight nutcase, i think...
don's cancelled at the last second, so we went over to a place at the long beach pier to see gino matteo for a few minutes. james just loves young, plus-sized gino, a pale rumpled guitar player/singer w/kindly worried face. their set seemed of the r&b-soul-feel-good variety to my untrained ear; people danced happily & bunches came out to greet james, & me, too! gino's wife jade at one pt sang an ike & tina song we've been toying w/for our duet & realized probably wouldn't work after all... but it's not like there are too few songs from which to choose! we gabbed & mingled for a bit, then had a very expensive & delicious meal nearby, one of those we'll-always-remember romantic occasions of sweet kind gazes, conversation, view of sunset over the ocean, & fantastically tasty lamb, linguini clams, & fresh bread w/butter. yumyumyum. that part of that day was pure golden!
our challenge is this rollercoaster. neither of us even like rollercoasters, so it's ironic we frequently are on this helluva one... he says we can do it, & i do, too. we are fiercely emotional, but also fiercely devoted. everyone who walked up to james yesterday complimented him on how happy he looked. he laughed, smiled, joked, held me in his arms. his eyes were bright: "it wasn't like this at all last year, or since i got out, any time people saw me, for that matter." friends & fans are glad for him, not just still kicking but doing better all the time, & seem to be happy i'm there, too. yes, his life is getting better, better, better. but it's not been easy: lots of water, sheets & sheets of dirty sludge, in fact, must slough away to run under the bridge & be gone forever. we keep scrubbing, even when it's a discouraging & overwhelming job, cause there's both of us working together on this & the payoff is amazing, we both know. rather than "no quarter," maybe, we now say "nunca te rindas!"
well, time to finish cleaning this cute little place & work more on europe stuff for james before he gets home so we can nap. ...wow! it's monday! if you worked, let it have been pleasant or at least not denying you your dignity...

"i don't sleep, cause i don't need to / i like smoke, i like 'em kool / i'm ferocious, a supernova / baby, i'm nobody's fool..."

yesterday turned out to be fun! we took sister sherri out for birthday breakfast & i snapped the nicest pic of bro & sis! james told me he's never had a pix of him with just his sister. imagine! well, husband, now you do! i am always happy to realize i'm getting to see james grow in family love... he is a man w/more true friends than anyone i've ever met, which i really admire! his circle of sincere support & love is ever-growing, & i know as a people person he really appreciates that. it is good for him & for me!
when we got back here, i went thru all the songbooks of tunes & ideas i've written over the last four or so years & found the above, which i'd sent james in email back in 2010 but he doesn't remember ever seeing. i finished my fourth song of that 24-hr period, sparked by the musical ideas scribbled on the pages. am so grateful my mind writes songs, that the bug hits me in waves & hasn't dried up completely, as i sometimes worry.... i don't fret now if songs're "good" or "bad," just get them down on paper or recorder in case a piece of a "bad" one later can be turned into something cool... the inner critic can be the biggest roadblock to creativity; mustn't give it any ear in the gestation stage! james said he does the same, just lets it flow & then corrects, tho i've seen his song "rough drafts," bearing no apparent editing marks: he will think & think on a song w/o writing down even one word or note, then, remembering its every lyric & melodic part, birth it whole! that kind of memory i find to be awe-inspiring. i don't have it, for sure! ... anyways, the best of my songs of the last day is called "21 days," but that's all i'm gonna say right now cause i believe it could turn into a real crowd-pleaser for james!

happy husband w/nice-guy sidemen tony lopez & blake watson

we got home about 4:30 am, so it was a long stint , but quite memorably fun drive over & back from bakersfield, my smoggy hot friendly hometown. on yesterday's trip we remembered we are both adventurers & a few more actions that bond us like glue! at the show, james was so, so happy that the family showed up. their comments: angie: "i am so impressed!" (swinging her fist in an arc like spanky); dad: "he is quite professional!" mama: "your father has a t-shirt. tell james i want a t-shirt!" doug: "i'm gettin on this. i'm gonna learn all the moves before next time!" so nice to see my former work colleague carla, kaykay, the taft oasis contingent (such enthusiastic fans! they say they'll show up en masse to our show next week in the mountains! ), birthday lady kim, soundman scott, & so many more! today's don the beachcomber show on PCH in sunset beach, so i'd better get caught up on archaeology class before then... happy sunday!

happy fifth of july!!

yesterday, i celebrated 18th yrs without booze. wow! a whole lifetime without booze, nearly. james kept asking me what kind of cake i wanted & i couldn't tell him, so he got me a beautiful tres leches cake. one time after practice at tony l's, we stopped in a mexican market cause james loves markets & there we purchased a warm, juicy, moist, creamy hunk of tres leches, which james'd never had... yesterday's cake was as delicious bc it was from him...

"aliens over LBC" - line9blues

i don't like fireworks time in southern california, i realized. spent most of my life in a place much quieter (tho the air would kill you especially on that day, i now recall)... even still, it was gratifying to observe jamesjr & his young friend set off fireworks & make cynical jokes w/his father... this likely will be the last yr son is w/father on this date or many others, for that matter, so it was important to complete the ritual. their relationship is only about me as far as how i can support it. "what can i do to be useful?" as a human, i'm always best off when that's the  focus... fireworks are the proper use of explosives, in my view as a person who's never been in combat & therefore never has had to know the vital necessity of having firepower... it's heartbreaking & confusing to me to consider how explosives have to great degree allowed me (and you?) to sit where i am, relatively free, the gandhis & mandelas & other pacifist activists of the world notwithstanding... anyway, i'm going off on a weird tangent, as usual. here also are pix from line nine blues review of their 4th of july sights at long beach harbor. now THESE are the kind i can love, mostly cause the explosions are far away, allowing time to cover one's ears. plus the sight of flowers (& UFOs) unfolding across the night sky: now THAT is something wondrous... one time i was in a convent in rome & pulled back the curtains to see fireworks framed perfectly in the window as if just for me, tho i knew they weren't... blablablablablab... i have many other firework show memories, but that's the best one, i think... so anyways, today we got to san pedro & we can't wait. san pedro+the greatest living blues showman=what a great day for which to be grateful...go to whiteboyjamesdotcom to see show details...