the root of all evil

... in a civilization, anyways... pre-civilization peoples no doubt found ways to wrong one another, tho i hope not calculatedly. i cling to the idea that humans are inherently good. very anti-christian, but that's how i was raised. however, i think the introduction of abstract commodity couldn't've been a good "progression." humans began to lie to, cheat, steal from, even kill each other for say, a scratched rock or inscribed tablet, or, as i saw at the sta ana museum recently, a length of colorful fabric from a wooden spool... am still groggy from a sleeping pill, so will write now about money. it's been on my mind. i worry about the crap all the time. it has driven me so crazy, i had to take a sleeping pill. this'll help.
growing up, we didn't have it much at all, but we had the library & we had a home & we had love & we ate a lot of spam & mama learned to be a good cook who could make a nice meal from not a lot (now they have money & throw lavish, generous parties bursting with food, but that's the reward to two generous people who did w/o for decades). in our household, there were no drugs, no alcoholism, no serious mental illness, no violence, no infidelity: it was a blessed home, i now know, tho we had little money. dad was really tight w/the dough, too, having been raised by his beloved depression-era grandfather, & we have many family stories, now told as jokes, about the things he'd do to save it, like put a timer on the shower, turn down the water heater when visiting teenagers showered (he still does this, actually), put a block of wood on the heater thermostat, no vacations ever. mama made our clothes or we got them 2nd-hand. we ate out once a month: i remember sizzler & mcdonald's. he parceled his cash into different envelopes & desk drawers: each drawer was a separate bill. he doesn't recall this, but i sure do: it had a huge effect on me. our allowances started at 25c a wk, which would buy a comic book or a candy bar but not both, so i'd steal, being a kid who was part rat. we topped out at $5 a week by end of high school, getting allowance rain or shine (it wasn't based on chores, but to teach us financial responsibility). by that time, i carried a small notebook; dad had taught me to write in it whatever i spent money on, from a coke & a twinkie to a pack of gum or mad magazine.
over the years i became, along w/dad, a family joke, the skinflint, the cheapskate, the eccentric,  but out the gate, i saved & saved. i do NOT buy new clothes. i drive an old, very unglamorous car down here in generic orange county rich & vacuous land (at least this town seems to be that way; it's as irritating as was teaching 5 yrs at a privileged school; i wasn't raised to be in a place like this, but it's not forever.). i've always been a bargain shopper, & not much of a shopper at all, really. consumption culture is evil, i really think, creating zombies w/no imagination (i know that's redundant), tied to purchasing the latest soon-to-be obsolescent object destined for the landfill. the more new things i buy, the less free will i have, i believe, tho the corporate promise & consumption ideology say otherwise. very orwellian, really...
in adulthood, i worked 3 minimum wage jobs & saved money to get to europe then, once i got sober, taught for a long time & amassed a small fortune (to me) from work. i was married for many yrs to a hard-working wealthy guy; we kept our finances separate cause his ex was greedy & wanted to attach my wages. nice try, greedy: she got not one penny from me. i saved & saved & saved & lived (for me) a wealthy lifestyle, even w/in my self-imposed financial limitations. it was incredible, but it ended; my ex & i were friends, but didn't consort like husband & wife. it gets too lonely that way & could no longer be... we cut ties & i bought a mountain house cash &'ve gone on many trips national & international & had anything i wanted, w/in my cheapskate boundaries, & now of course i'm remarried living in this unhumble town of, i must say, nice breezes & library: it's not awful at all, but i'd rather not be here. still, it's a necessity for now, & married to james, i have daily opportunities for emotional growth, much in common, friendship, PLUS very strong devotion & love. that's better, way better than a pile of dough in the bank, no matter how high. but the financial worry... oh, what i do to myself is so ridiculous. so to simplify & make happier this new life, i decided in the next few days i'll relieve myself of a whole bunch of it & it's the best decision i've ever made, nearly, besides getting sober & marrying james. i can't wait to shed all this what is for me evil but what for others could be empowerment & security & a chance finally to exhale & drop the rock. yes, financial insecurity's always been near the top of my fear inventory when i work the steps: worry of losing it, worry of being without it. screw this. the more i have of it, the more fearful i become. once i do this, life will be so much better for me, for him, for this family.
these have been my ramblings on the topic of the root of all evil.