the drunk club, the 13th step

in the drunk club, they say women stick with women, men with men. in my 30 plus yrs, only once did a man asked me to sponsor him -- a man who liked men, so i thought, well, we'll see what happens, maybe i can help him til we get to the 5th step. he disappeared before we did any work at all, so i hope he is ok today, wherever he is!

since i've been sober so long, of course i've had male friends, & certainly i've admired the program of many, looked up to many, but whatever love existed there was philic, not erotic. on the other hand, over those same many yrs, some males (never the ones who were my friends) expressed carnal interest in me, likely because i was young & good-looking... & new! but in the context of "the rooms," their lust seemed gross & scary -- the program saved my life & was/is sacred. not to mention that sex is especially troublesome for People Like Us -- helpless, hopeless, certainly sick in body & mind, to paraphrase the book... what about my very life? what about theirs? yecch, horndogs, go away!!!

never have i ever contacted a man to "talk about the program." because it's never that. that's a baldfaced lie. yes, i've sure made mistakes with the opposite sex, but never under the sleazy pretense of trying to help someone stay sober. alcoholics die all the time from this disease. to purport to help someone while trying to get in their drawers... evil. in my 1.5 decades with james, a few females have tried this. of course they have! he's james! apparently long ago when the announcement was made at a huge music show that we had eloped, there was screaming, wailing, clawing at the eyeballs & breasts, & likely plots to do me in! after that, a few really tried to get between us. nice try! didn't work!

but to try to get to him through the program? again, that is selfishness bordering on evil. do they even consider james's sobriety? of course not!! as angie happily said the other day, "those cows will get theirs. karma has a way of catching up with people like that." so next time a woman tries to sponsor james, or a man tries to sponsor me (i mean, it could happen still, right?), we'll raise the sign of the cross, i likely will quote the big book since it's part of my working mind now, but james, being new, might quote father karras, something from the exorcist, something like be gone, demon!!! be gone!!

nov 18-dec 18 are finito.

nov 18 our dear little louie, so sick, so darling, our sweet old boy, had to go over the rainbow bridge. on pearl harbor day, james tried to torpedo his sobriety, but from "the most horrible mistake of my life," as he called it, better days are on the horizon... i drove to 6500 elevation & got a lovely haircut & dye from our friend gabi, a wonderful mother of two & bettie page look-alike who told stories of bear break-ins & blizzards as if they were commonplace.

. i'm so glad we're in the relative lowlands @ only 5000 elevation! then Life struck again on dec 18, when at dawn i rushed to the e.r. the good news is, i know my heart's ok. the bad news is, i'm noiviss, so jittereh, so went back on pranayama. i've got some imbalances from not eating animals for 1.5 yrs, too, so veganism must now be caput. am still off cow, pig, octopus - any animal smarter than a toddler just should not be food, least in this society, altho where places of deprivation be, all bets & i.q. tests are off. and of course there is "grandma's rule," which i'll abide... looked up the names of cheeses that are non-cow & a puerile beach boys melody arose: "romano, manchego, rocquefort, peccorino, a-and vegan, and feta, buf'lo mozzarella!" (did you hear it, too?) well, it's almost meeting time for us, so chow for nyow.

funny, how strong

james is such a comedian so often. I mean, he could be one of the greats , if he chose to do so. i'd never heard mama laugh so loud until he came along. we sat at the dr this eve waiting and waiting and took hand pix. his goofy cracks about his hand's appearance hit in such a swift volley, i was lost in laughing and can't tell you even one now... since nov 18, some sad and truly crappy events have occurred, but cracked ceramic, when glued back together, gets that much stronger. i am tired, so forgive this loose and lazy writing.

happy 59th anniversary, mom and dad. we took them to italian for a festive meal, then drove back up to the mountain in the dark night. "that was a very special time," said my spouse, who took over driving duties because i was on a 14 hr day by that time. i am grateful.

" As monsters grow more human, humans look more monstrous."

How Monsters Went from Menacing to Misunderstood | The New Yorker https://share.google/R5h530RWOIEdoK9V4 Read this through to the end for its fascinating conclusion.