oh brother, where art thou?

- today was easter. passover. springtime. sunday. how are you? i can't sleep. horrid headache. monstrous. monstress. sister & niece may've spread to me today their germs. blast. might be, tho, that the squirrel residing in brain for past month, now gone, left behind serious cranial pain. been having bad headaches... yes, i miss that stupid squirrel, who couldn't focus, but who felt so on fire, & tho frequently worn out, didn't care about much & was creative & felt wily & like she was a barrel of monkeys. i thought the scholar'd taken her place, but scholar was only here for two days & looks like sadsack's in residence, instead. hope sadsack doesn't stay long. no fun. no creativity. lots of moping & defensiveness. gets fat. at worst, has suicidal ideation, outbursts, goes to hospitals.
- i argued today w/person who says i am like two separate people & don't remember things i say/do when i'm "that other person." could be true, perhaps. i mean, sometimes what comes out of my mouth is like pea soup from linda blair in the exorcist. and it's true, i don't remember the crap that spews forth; it's all kinda fuzzy. when i was younger, i'd see red & everything'd be bad before i could stop it. it happens less now, but i spose is still kinda scary, if i think about it, so i won't.
- w/another friend am sposed to discuss this kinda stuff which i spose is related to dissociation, etc. i hope it'll be helpful for us both. this friend, troubled & brilliant, operates on a different time frame, tho, so i can't hold my breath. but do hope to get some feedback eventually... (still can't help wondering, even if it's kinda scary @ times, if it's real or merely overreaction from certain people i know/have known... hmmm...)
- anyways, easter generally was solid: ex-hubby blb brought the dogs (our sons) up to the mtns yesterday so we could visit, b, me, & the mcgraws, our sweet friends. b went home after friendly meal & hike; this a.m., bill & i read rumi & earth poems & we all gazed @ the mtns out my windows & were clam-happy. they headed home to SD & i took doggies to bako to feast hosted, as always, by generous, loving mom & dad w/family & extended- & super-extended family (ex: all in one rm, hanging out, are sister; sister's ex-hubby & his girlfriend; daughter's friend, who is living w/sis's ex-hubby & sis; daughter; sis's spouse-to-be; sis's childhood best friend). in eve, went to movies w/ex-bf & saw chronicle, not at all a bad flick. had ok time, tho as usual interaction was kinda odd & sad for both, i think...
- home now at my folks', waiting for tomorrow's practice w/karling & co, gig saturday, & sunday hopping on plane w/becky for france. blowing this pop stand. should be thrilled... will be, i just know it... took train to hanford the other day & met becky & L; we lunched on sandwiches, chips, & immense ice cream scoops at superior dairy, then ultra-fashion-wise becky took me & L to forever 21, a store i've never shopped in, & i found clothes for paris & she helped me start to see how fun the whole trip is gonna be, just us four "girls" in gay paree, footloose & fancy-free... we saw a very cool wall sculpture of a yugo car frame, opened up & splayed flat like a gigantic rusted beetle; then i caught the train home & met the nicest young man, a hiphop singer, & made other friends, as well... this was in the squirrel's last day; it felt like i was one of the "ambassadors of the human race" i'd read about one time in the NYer. it's lovely to feel so warm & happy & inviting toward all people. sadsack just doesn't.
- wisest words read lately: "praise allah, but be sure to tie up your camel." also: "may all the voices you hear be helpful ones." that will be swell, when it happens again. come back, little squirrely. i miss you already.