"hello!" and "i'm sorry!"

...here's the "hello!!" :) :)
margie evans "29 ways" .. thank you, gene taylor, for the link! :)
...here's the "i'm sorry!!" this is a picture from one of my porches, looking toward bakersfield last evening... check out the brown yuck!! so sad to think of all the friends & loved ones -- people, period!! -- living in that garbage!!

seester!!!!! i love you, seester!!!! :) :) :)

happy birthday!!!!! :) angie is such a devoted teacher and friend, as well as kind, bright, sunny, helpful, talented person... i so love my little seester!!! :) :) :) she actually is at via arte, an annual chalk art festival at bakersfield's marketplace, today with her students... she does it every year. she is so committed to art & to her students! i'm so proud of my sister! she makes good choices today. she is a really good woman! she loves, & is loved. :)
road trip!! today will be trip to blues jam in bako w/brian paxton, then fresno to hang out w/cattie ness & co... tomorrow, we record! only four songs, but should be super-fun, tho usually i DESPISE multi-track recording. i hope we do it live!! hope hope hope!! but if not, i know my friends & i will have a nice time. :)
out of the low spot of yesterday, i got a new song... & it's a good one! people who write songs know (i guess unless you're leiber & stoller, or chopin, or some fantastic, god-kissed composer) the ratio is 75% crap songs to 25% keepers. or maybe 90-10. the important thing is, when the fire's lit, nurse that thing! add to it! make it roar! after all, who knows when a dud will turn into a nugget of gold? :) in songwriting, just like all other writing, initially there can be no critic -- the flow is what's key. scrutiny comes later. anyways, i've written two keepers this past week!! one's a slinky rockabilly dance number, the other's a "goodbye" broken-heart kinda tune i hope will turn out like a blasters-like thingy. i do wish j the best. i hope he reads this & knows that.
- last night i dreamed i went to a party at phil alvin's house w/my friend the blues musician, & another musician -- who resembles a rail-thin charlie sheen -- was showing off & dominating the conversation. he then called me a filthy name & my friend, who used to be a boxer, turned, &, still smoking his cigarette, punched the other guy's lights out. i woke smiling a bit, realizing i feel safe these days, not just in the universe's flow (which doesn't guarantee good will happen to me, but which has purpose & beauty i can find reassurance in), but with my friends...
that's all for now. gotta get ready to hit the road. xo & happy weekend to all!

sick

- must stop drinking out of glasses after others. and shaking hands. and hugging! and kissing! and gallivanting! must stop driving 800 miles in 5 days, hanging out with friends who've been sick as well as sleep-deprived party animals, eating junk food, exercising on little sleep, staying up over 24 hours at a time.
- no - wait; that all was fun fun fun. but i need a 2nd body to withstand the pounding!!!
- dizzy when stand. fever. throat killing me. entire body freezing cold, all stoved up all day. then the weather changed. it's 40 degrees all of a sudden!! that does not tend to help this human barometer's health...
- only the leftover butt of a kool, discovered under a pile of papers, helped, many hrs ago. know this is some sign of dying, that a smoke would help the pain & sickness. i mean, i'm not even a smoker, by trade!!!
- what happened to this house? cigarette butts in the sink. towels and rugs everyplace. dirty dishes and clothes. the fridge left open. remnants of fried meals. empty booze bottles. in MY trash!! (no, i didn't drink them... also, i haven't emptied the recycling in weeks, & there've been lots of musicians visiting.) electric piano left on for 11 hours. well, at least the instruments got played a bit!
- just got "in a relationship" with my sister's stunning friend kristin. long have wanted to be "in a relationship" w/someone on facebook. facebook would not allow me to be "in a relationship" with the ghost of boris karloff, new orleans louisiana, doug, the cute little dog from the animated movie "up," or even grottu orloff, the cyber monster. apparently, a person's got to be "in a relationship" with a real human being on facebook. i mean, how discriminatory is that?
- kristin has "bride of frankenstein" all over her house. she can really cook up a mean bellywarmer of a meal. and she is gorgeous. maybe it'll go someplace. problem is, i like men and so does kristin. we're both rather super-hetero, in fact. so i guess how especially nice of her to fill my facebook need. this monster must find her mate. or at least have some bs one acknowledged... i think kristin felt the same way. :)
- fb flirting indiscriminately with others male & female. seeing boundaries not just eroding, but a gullywasher of inappropriateness imminent. danger, danger! pried self off facebook, but not after embarrassing exchange w/kristin about eating tuna.
- raining like heck outside all day. i think i forgot to close my truck. my keyboard's in there as well as left-over gear the inebriated musicians decided to keep with me. this tho i won't even see them maybe for weeks or months. there's also fog. rain all up and down california. people have called asking if there's snow. fishing for a visit. come on up! i'll be the pile laying in the corner, listening to 5 royales radio on pandora. apparently pandora is stupid. they have 5 royales listed as "5 royals." just in case you want to add that station.
- so... cold... ohhhhhhh... goodbye...

i had one drink, two drinks, maybe 3 or 4, when i was through, it wouldn't let me go

- that is a ronnie dawson song i just really relate to... was sitting @ the doll hut in anaheim yesterday post-afternoon set w/cattie ness & revenge w/an enormous, friendly boy-man named goat, best pal of johnny rage. sweetly inebriated, he touched my triangle ring & mouthed the name of my secret society of non-drinkers (i couldn't hear him cause of the slamming psychobilly trio onstage)... i nodded yes & he suddenly looked a little... i don't know... comforted? recalcitrant? respectful? sometimes when i've met fellows & then they find out i don't drink, & even more, my affiliation & its implications (rode hard, hung up wet, still living, maybe wiser), the dynamic changes & suddenly i'm the teacher or someone to be protected from king alcohol, which i wouldn't touch if it were handed to me, anyway... but i always feel relieved when that change occurs, which it often does in my experience of bars w/men, who tend to offer drinks as icebreakers to conversation, especially if a gal's in "the band." i'd rather be the teacher -- someone from a world of safety & sobriety, not necessarily someone who can impart knowledge, but just that reliable figure that casts a guy's memory back to childhood innocence -- than a piece of meat. plus i always hold the hope for someone, cause there sure are a lot of folks in the music world who are suffering due to the bottle, the smoke, & the line... not to mention the needle, but then, i have no experience w/that. not yet, anyhow. (i have so many "yets".)
- what a wonderful trip i had to visit donna & family... ruben, her ex, my long-time friend, too, showed up & we all went to guitar center & donna the amazing somehow got 3 guitar cases for $1 each & a danelectro for 50 bucks! she is, after all, queen of scores... we went to the fair, our yearly tradition, & had the most lovely time, agreeing that the evening, the weather, the lights, the dramatic skies, the laughing crowds, the exhibits, the aromas, were magical (also, we saw beautiful farm animals & whimsical artwork! i held a scorpion! donna enthused near- orgasmically about her 1st elote w/parmesan cheese & lemon!)... then donna had a family reunion &, so happy for her, i too was honored to be the only non-family member there as we sat in the backyard @ her sis's house someplace off the 10 & ate beef stew w/carrots & potatoes, beans & cornbread & smelled, alternately, the pungent aromas of guava tree or marijuana bush, depending on how the wind changed. :)
- next day was lunch w/stepson cody &, over eggs & toast, i was delighted to learn he is in love. :) then i headed to gig at doll hut, stuffed into rockabilly jeans i've not worn for 7-8 yrs. becky fixed my hair in a swinging ponytail (as in, "i got my hair fixed in a ponytail, so when we dance, it can really sail") & we got onstage & had a rollicking fun set! it was super-loud & fast, which i love! afterward, we all hung out w/the goat & fabi's friends & adam kept joking about the smoke i had saved in my cleavage (i actually had some -- cleavage, that is -- for this show, wearing the dia de los muertos shirt walter -- who didn't show up -- had given me). becky rode w/me & delighted me w/ribald & frank stories as we caravanned back to flying j & then she hopped back in to ride home w/hubby john & adam, but while still @ the hut, i waited a bit for my friend to show up... he did not bc he'd gotten lost after playing a central cali show: wanting to get away from fans & demands + too much hair of the dog caused him to miss his ride, so now looks like i'll chauffeur him & another musician, who also got lost, home. i should get gas money from it, maybe a meal, some smokes (i don't smoke really, but will if they're greens!), some laughs, some cool music... and dusk devils, i hope, will get a gig or two out of it all. not to mention that i always hold the hope for ppl i know, whether i dislike, like or love them, that they will, if needed, put down the bottle, smoke, or line & pick up the proffered keys to the kingdom. you never know who'll find this thing, tho it certainly is only for those who realize THEY need it. it's not for me to decide for them, most definitely... i hope the trip will be an adventure!
- another upshot is, since i'll be in the southland, i can go to the barndance tonight, mebbe! perhaps manuel will show up if i call him... hope you who read this have a good & safe week. it's beautiful up here on the mountain, & i hope it is there, too, wherever you may be... :)

doll hut rockabilly invasion

good picture of becky (cattie ness), don't you think? :) cattie ness & the revenge, w/whom i'll play, are on at 3 pm sunday at the doll hut in anaheim... last wkend, they all visited for a "band sleepover," as becky called it, & we practiced for 2 days, til i was so exhausted, i was playing w/my head on the yamaha electric piano... we stopped for a sec while johnny rage gave me an energy drink w/the incredible name of "monster rehab," & by the next song, i was playing while not just standing, but jumping up & down! i could hear & see the notes before i hit them! it was a bit like my old days w/stimulants, when, to paraphrase friends of bill, i'd get so up, my eyeballs would enter the room before i did... adam laughed, "you kicked your stool like jerry lee lewis!" apparently, monster rehabs do the job... it wasn't long, tho, before i felt like i might die, & shortly thereafter, our 2-day rehearsal & recording (johnny runs sound at a few LA clubs, so brought his recording gear) adjourned & all headed home to points north & south... to begin @ the beginning, when the band arrived, cars pulled in & stuff started flying into my house: johnny unloaded 100s of lbs of gear & fabi, adam, & john brought in suitcases & backpacks & sleeping bags & becky platters & platters of food (all contributed, but she was the guiding force behind our awesome dinner & breakfast). this place has never been so filled w/bodies, music gear, & things to eat! in the morn, becky made double espressos for all -- yes, cattie ness comes off like a tough, glamorous chick, but really, when it gets down to it, she's a mother hen. :) my culinary contribution was pancakes, which i dished out dollar-size (becky insisted, & i wasn't gonna argue). i made adam a mickey mouse cake @ his request, but drew the line when one of the male band wags requested a phallus. i have standards!!!!
hope dusk devils will come for a mountain retreat weekend, too, but dusk devils fan #1, john k, was probably correct when he wrote, "i don't think the dusk devils are a real sleep-over kind of band"... actually, it's funny to ponder rick, scotty, & brian p sitting around in their pjs w/stuffed animals... :) i leave this here for their rebuttal. :)

aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

i'm playing a set w/cattie ness & the revenge this sunday at 3 pm as part of a rockabilly fest... arrrrrgggghhh!!!! blogger won't upload the flyer! you can easily find it on facebook, i know -- will try later. :) dusk devils will play sun oct 23 3 pm at the desert empire fair during their rockabilly day (tho we're not really rockabilly... ssssshhhh!!) -- hope to get a flyer for that one soon, but i wouldn't be able to upload if i had it, anyhow! ok, headed for bakersfield now, then back for breakfast w/art fein, whom i haven't seen forever, & after that, i hope, the LA fair, which is sorta en route to the doll hut, which is in anaheim...

back on the rollercoaster again?

- "no, you're just having feelings, being human." that's what my wise sponsor said kindly when i called her, blubbering & choking & feeling traumatized. after the last many days of high times & extreme fun & affection & laughs w/musician friends, i went to the yard to calm down, pull budding tumbleweeds, smell the fresh air, unwind. i went to throw away a box on my side of the arroyo, a box i'd noticed last wk & kept meaning to throw in the trash, & found... my kitty. she has been dead for over a month, killed by a coyote. i saw it happen. she was a gorgeous cat... she now is far from that. i can only guess someone hiking found her & recognized her as my kitty & brought her back to me... dear sister angie, known by her daughter as the "cat jesus," comforted me via phone; then her kind friend doug said a prayer for me that i have peace. his prayer actually helped me wash the horrible image of what remains of poor skittles from my mind.
- i'm grateful to my friend jp, former boxer, who, when i was in my last depression, reminded me to always roll w/the punches, that the ups & downs are just life & i absolutely MUST not let it get to me cause it'll all pass. i don't have to feel lost, pathological, abandoned, on the road to ruin, or guilty, as if i'm being punished for having had good times of late, simply for feeling sad & even shocked, revolted, scared by the cat's dessicated corpse...
- i will get help burying her remains properly tomorrow, along w/her kitty toys. w/all the good lately, i have to expect some bad here & there. that's life, & into each life, some rain must fall, & ad nauseum; to quote thoreau: "the price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it" - swift, "may you live all the days of your life" - and finally, "all men die. but not all men really live." (william wallace)
- may we all live fully today. may you be safe, comforted, & suffused with life.

distracting self from needing to vacuum up dog hair!

oh boy oh boy oh boy! spun, won, fecund, done, sun, & myriad happy rhymes! i was reminded recently that the man of 1001 faces is not lon chaney! we all killed arcade zombies to jukebox howlin wolf, smoked green cigarettes & watched tom & jerry, rolled & rocked, tho no socks came off... god of heaven & earth & all in-between, you expand my circle of friends & goodness all the time, & tho life continues to contain speed bumps, if i pay attention, i am rewarded more than ever can i repay...
it's autumn now, but life's in the air & the billowing painted sky last night cracked & flashed & boomed & rained rhythmic fragrant tears & as the storm sailed across desert & valley & headed out to coast, its earthy aroma delighted all i heard from. following the storm's progress by way of phone & facebook -- i liked it! :)
life life life: going deep, keeping it light... how you? my mind-state's fractured-by-happiness & fun... a light rain falls... must go clean... must go clean... so easy to procrastinate, play music... will post gigs soon; hope you enjoy this video. if not, go to another site, for pete's sake!
"we're so stupid. you're a dumb girl. you smell," said my friend, but it was funny, not mean. i know many monsters, often being one myself, & prefer the happy ones, as would any sane person, which i happen to be right now. so i hung out w/this monster & his friends the other night; like all the coolest monsters, he's misunderstood, but still the most comforting presence in the room; weird & rough & profane, but also kind & fun & attentive, w/ultimately -- i think -- a nobility that comes from being busted-up yet surviving, coming out stronger, mended by the strong glue of love & experience bringing wisdom... gotta go clean now for cattie ness & the revenge's arrival: it's a band slumber party! dusk devils, you are next! pack your bags!! :) "friend(s)... good..." have a nice one, friends. :)

got that fully alive, fully alive feeling...

zing! now you got it, too!
we alive!
carpe diem!

life! life! life!

still near-dead from the NM-CA drive, i was wakened by a knock on the door yesterday, beginning a day of seven visitors!! food, laughs, bawdiness, smoking, griping, loving, camaraderie... the eve ended w/a movie marathon: "jesus christ superstar" followed by "orgazmo." i was grateful this morning when i woke & realize the house hadn't been struck by lightning. :) at NM we hiked to a mtn top w/a woman who turned out to be a healer possessing much historical knowledge & alternative medicine wisdom -- she led us to a gigantic medicine wheel made entirely of quartz!, perched atop a sheer, red cliff! my travel bud kim, a strong & potty-mouthed & kind southern beauty, took me on many steep & treacherous hikes on said trip, for the higher we went, the more exotic rocks we could find -- so i came home w/a number of gorgeous pieces.
this morn beneath a lovely, breezy, cool sky & to the melody of birds, wind, & chimes, i worked on my shrine, adding bits of treasure i'd found in a few abandoned areas along old rt 66: broken cookery & tile, an old coke bottle, a vintage tail light, even some carnival glass & an old toy horse! then i used my quartz specimens to fashion a mini medicine wheel on the stump of an old oak the former resident of this place inexplicably had torn out... stood back to examine my work (it sparkles! like my labyrinth, it radiates ancientness, calm, if pondered...), looked over, & saw a tiny lizard -- but what a lizard! just one inch long, it looked like a fat mini-dinosaur! i never catch the little guys, but this i did, & after taking a few shots of what looked to be a liliputian triceratops & posting it on facebook, adam from cattie ness shot back that it was a horny toad! looking it up further, i discovered it was the california variety (natch); they're endangered in many places; they're loners & so are best left to survive on their own; can be a federal crime to take, even! (ex-hubby b commented, "good thing you didn't pick it up in the oilfield! they'd fine ya a million dollars!"); & eat red ants!... i knew just where to release him -- the beautiful exotic baby went right to a rock in the backyard, near the steps, on which is a red ant highway. i sat for a few minutes &, w/some satisfaction, watched him feast. now it's time to prepare to go practice w/becky & her band, then get the dog boys & visit loved ones.
"love attracts love," wrote st therese, the little flower, as well as, "i would like to fly as the eagle does, but i can only flutter my wings" -- i am, you are, we are the horny toad, the ant, the lonely climber, the red rock: let me be complete in the tininess & weakness of my ephemeral living form, be more compassionate & patient w/earth's creatures -- we are all so delicately small! -- & find comfort in the vastness, amazing beauty, & temporality of this. pay attention! do not take for granted one single thing!
yes, life! life! life! what a blessing! what a constant surprise! what a fragile gift! may you feel blessed & happy today...
ps - here's one more pic, just cause i love it so...

1840 miles, 7 days

dang! can't believe i'm home! when i left, it was still summer -- have come home to crystal-clear & crisply-cool, fragrant early-morning mountain autumn!
too strung out to sleep -- still vibrating from the road. left abq nm yesterday, slept 4 hrs in the backseat of my good old truck... wow! so grateful to have had such a wonderful road trip, so grateful to be home. more later... carino to anyone reading this... :)

blablablablablablabla

here is a little video to celebrate great music, friends, & a bee-yoo-tee-ful day... huge, huge birds are in the trees out the window! they must be a foot in height each! wow!

labor day weekend...

check out these flyers for two great shows! james also will play a 3rd, sat night @ taft's oasis (i'm crossing fingers roscoe'll offer again to give me dough to stay & play piano after hrs!!). then there's a special barndance-tribute to hank williams. can my constitution handle seeing both james & phil alvin in one weekend? this calls for an "OMG," i believe!! click here to read electric earl's ad for this 4th, sure-to-be-fun show: tribute to hank williams

"two pees [sic] in a pod," wrote my cousin... & "unto such a torment the... malefactors were condemned, who reason subjugate to appetite."

what a nice tx trip i had, w/its sultry heat, fecund country roads, flat flat land, fried feasts, scrapping & funny & kind & ribald family interactions, endless air-conditioned drives, & farmland filled w/animals, most lovely for me the jerusalem donkeys jazzy & rosie & the old dog max. yes, we've so much family love out there in tx. i left for the kids a pair of my platform shoes so they can play runway model. in this pic, thomas had given me a tattoo. after that, he, bebe  & i had a wii dance contest (i lost). then my friend, the amazing fireball whiteboy james, invited us to open for his band this wkend. but bass player scotty says he'll be out out of town. then "love" again was agony, agony, agony. the rollercoaster soars, then plunges plunges plunges. i've gone as low as the 5th circle but usually when in h*ll am stuck in the 2nd, blowing around in its violent storm w/no hope of rest or ballast & no virgil to lead the way out... am so grateful to have my folks, for w/o them, i'd never remember the love, the wonderful moments, this precious, fleeting life... all bets would be off.

my heartaches and troubles are just up and gone, the moment you come into view, with your hand in mine, dear, i could dance on & on

and waltz across texas with you... bye, all yall...
Be crumbled.
So wild flowers will come up
Where you are.
You have been stony for too many years.
Try something different. Surrender.
Rumi ♥

i'm a triflin woman, i trifle all the time...

that's how becky adapted the lyrics to an old hillbilly song... always thought she was singing "traveling woman," so'd sing along like that, off mike... to be a trifling woman, not caring, what freedom, maybe!- tho realistically, to be a traveling woman would be the better, soul-wise... i like playing that song best in her band, along w/"knock knock rattle" & a few more. on some songs, i'm just not sure what kind of parts to play (she already has 3 guitars in the line-up!), so i hope to figure out more interesting fills & leads as i go... it's easy enough to hack along w/the music; to add TO it, tho, is the real magic!
so here is a link to a little tv show cattie ness & the revenge did a few wks ago in LA. the experience that day was a real music-rescue for me... music can overcome any sadness, again; life w/o music would be no life, to paraphrase vonnegut... can't help commenting on the film's low lighting, which brings out everyone's ancestors, like adam's romanesque-arabic face, fabi's aztec queenage, my craggy mayan profile (not attractive, i don't think, but interesting, like one time a guy told me i had "something ancient going on" in my face...) it's a nice bunch of friends i get to play w/these days, between dusk devils & cattie ness; i certainly feel grateful for all! cattie ness & the revenge on flashrock tv
- yesterday was eddie's alano club benefit, sparsely but generously attended -- that is, few folks, but the ones there donated lots of dough! brian p & rick were both sick but managed to hold up, scotty was spiffied up &, back to long-distance running, bouncing on the balls of his feet in high health, & i was down, down, down cause of kitty's death... but the kind & appreciative audience brightened everyone up & we had a fun little set! i've never seen brian p smile so much, for instance... it sure felt nice to look over & there was bsp, grinning sort of gently. (maybe he had a fever, come to think of it!) but no, the warm-heartedness of the drunk club's members, i think, is just contagious that way. :)
- then a woman named deedrus [sp] got up on the little stage & absolutely blew the roof off singing koko taylor's "ernestine" -- good heavens, she rocked the joint! it was huge fun trying out some memphis slim-manquee right hand noodlings on that one. i never play 12 bar blues like that, so what fun!!
- sturdy dan, my dear friend, walked in & it brightened me up, just seeing him; sister angie was there, too, w/her earnest & kindly (boy?)friend doug, & to see her smiling & laughing & so filled w/life also helped add to the memory... back at mom's & dad's (they just returned from santa fe), we visited & cried & told stories, then fell into hard sleep. when i woke this morning, sister had gone to church, mama was cooking bacon & tortillas, & i've stalled long enough -- time to see about getting my truck running, which our dependable dad should be able to make happen.
- kind wishes to all who read for a restful & blessed, or wild & happy, or somewhere in-between kind of sunday...

R.I.P.

my beautiful little kitty... at 4am, i woke to the sounds of her being killed by a coyote & ran outside just in time to see the whole thing. she was fighting hard, but the coyote, of course, had her overpowered... i hope she didn't suffer long, tho i know & saw that she did. poor little creature. i can't wait til i stop blaming myself & seeing the whole thing over & over in my mind. there are such far worse tragedies in this world routinely, & i knew the risk of having her up here, but still this is a sad occasion, to lose a pet so violently. bless my sister angie for being there to help me when i called her, distraught. :(

"you shoulda got a winnebago instead of a house!"

...sed memphis mike... heck, might be true! anyways, my truck broke down in bakersfield & so i hitched a ride home after the benefit at trout's & hope to hitch a ride back w/sis today or tomorrow (& see her new tattoo, which covers her back, yakuza-style, & she got to celebrate her black belt!) & get the truck back up & running...
- what have you learned today? i learned i don't have to say everything that comes in my head; of some new (to me) music on pandora (new orleans nightcrawlers, woggles, hasil adkins' "the hunch"); that people hiking up or down the hill right opposite me, we all in plain sight of one another, somehow can't see me tho i see them & therefore feel a little indecent, like a voyeur, tho i don't really want them looking in my house @ me, sitting here like a lump; that hummingbirds love this picture window lately & so will fly right up to it, in my face, seemingly, as i type; & that when working on the house, i should never stop for more than 10 mins or rigor mortis sets in & that's all she wrote... oh well. guess the house is clean enough at this pt, so will settle down w/PB&J sandwich to go watch the lovely outdoors for a bit. :)
- penultimately, dusk devils will play around 5-530 at alano club sat (2nd benefit for eddie's eye surgery), open to public, $10 donation, 34th st in bksfld. finally, saw this pic from bsp's friend sharron h from sunday's benefit -- i liked it, so post it here & thank sharron for it. :)

"where there is ruin, there is hope for a treasure." (rumi)

ok, the last post was kinda depressing, so above's a nice quote to make chicken out of chickensh*t, which aunt rita says is impossible, but i think she mean's a loser's always gonna be a loser, while the above suggests there's always hope. another great cheerer-upper was a comment from a gal on the dusk devils' facebook pg: "i love this band! they're like the collins kids if they were allowed to stay out all night!" for pete's sake, how wonderful it was to read THAT! :)
today was mostly fun, but what a long, long, long deal... i was a doofus to start it w/a scamper up to the water tower near my home (to get a little exercise); that is one steep, steep climb, & to try to jog it? exhilarating, exhausting, but pure dumbness... then the truck battery was dead... got it jumped by lifesaver neighbor... then it was dead again... jumped again by nice old man in bksfld... quick run-thru at bsp's, couldn't find raffle tickets, found out when arrived at trout's i was the show m.c. (thank goodness brian p had influenced me to dress up a little!), tried to sell raffle tickets & mc & keep head on straight in midst of personal strife (curse at&t cell phones!! curse them!!!) & interacting w/friends ( julie & sarah, all kinds of friendly local musicians who played nimbly & chatted & laughed easily), got thru our set in what felt to me like workman-like fashion, few surprises except when eddie came up & laid in a genre-perfect improv instru on one bad stud... everyone there for eddie... everyone happy for eddie... everyone hopeful for eddie... next benefit will be sat, 3-7 pm at the alano club, donation $10 -- no drinking, just music & fellowship to help eddie get more eye surgery. thanks to all who were there tonight. when in a bag of sh*t, remember - the zipper's on the inside, as stacy used to say. and remember -- rumi.

"corruptio optimi est pessima" & cry, cry, cry

the quote refers to the fall of lucifer, who, you might know, was the most beloved angel. warned 2 yrs ago by the above message given to me in an art-egg by a bright but emotionally damaged person to whom i was drawn, gypsy-moth-like, i ignored wise mind & plowed ahead selfishly. after my disrespectful visit before marie laveau's shrine in NOLA, the curse was on... yes, it sounds melodramatic, superstitious, etc, but must resort to magic, drama, fantasy to make it thru this latest blackness.
this, too, shall pass.
below is the way i almost always am when not wrapped up with "love": happy, joyful, connected, creative, grateful. wish i could erase my memory & stand here, free & new & clean... again, as it did when i went thru the hell of divorce from my kind ex, the poem looms: "the unknown god... is breaking me down to his own oblivion to send me forth on a new morning, a new [wo]man." (d.h. lawrence) ironic - the brilliant person mentioned above gave me the quote, to reassure me.

thank the good, good universe for the love & gift of music, which has the charms to soothe the "bestiam feram," the beast within that wants a soul dead. now i'm thinking of that throw rag song "the beast in me"... may you avoid the beast today & all days & be wiser than am i in matters of le cœur... theme for tonight: the stooges' "your pretty face is going to h*ll"...

bah! bloop! whee! click! aah. dig? dig. &dig. &dig. :)

(lazy writing alert:) it's warm & beautiful & breezy outside & wish for you a happy, healthy day... am taking a break from working on my shrine outside (removing weeds, laying down mesh, then rock garden) cause like i said, it's warm! sure is good to be outside & get some vitamin d w/the birds & the bees & the flowers & the trees... the above event's coming up sun as well as another for same purpose the following sat, aug 20, at the alano club on 34th st (start time i think will be around noon), open to public, jam session for musicians & those who don't drink or, like bsp, won't mind taking a break for the afternoon out of respect for the venue... suggested donation for the alano club also will be $10 so that eddie can get his peepers fixed once & for all.
earlier in the wk was the barndance, a memorable night @ which i got to play w/cattie ness & the revenge, meet amazing pianists jason eoff & dona oxford (skip edwards was there, too!), play a slam-bang mini-set, dance the night away, & see all kinds of people from the smell(swell)ay roots scene like russell scott, james intveldt, etc & best of all art fein, whom i haven't seen in a chimp's age, cracking art up w/my phil alvin impersonation (i didn't know i had one til art -- a seeming cynic who has genuine generosity of spirit when he finds something appealing -- started laughing out loud, which got me going good). then my friend walter brought me a bd cake (i'd already had a spectacular bd w/my dear family) & handed it to ronnie mack himself, who held it while the whole joint sang me happy bd!! my goodness... what a life i got, for which i am so, so grateful.
then got to record a little net tv show last night w/cattie ness & revenge. night before was dusk devils show at packed-out mr t's bowl, a cool venue & yes, old bowling alley, @ which brian p debuted the biggest pomp you'd ever seen & we didn't go on til 1am & devil doll (to me) inexplicably sang pat benatar & the animals (the latter i thought even a bit blasphemous, but what the crap do i know...), but people stayed for us, too, & everyone got to dance w/walter, who generously gave me an angel necklace & then rooted & rutted his face into our pretty cousin's ample bosom as both cackled drunkenly, fun-loving heathens that they were that nite. :) in the mid of all this was trip to coast w/dear dad, sis, aunt to visit grandma & said cousin, who celebrated her big 4-0 in raucously guzzling fashion, then suffered mightily, emptying it all out & whimpering (poor baby), "thank you for taking care of me" while i patted & comforted her & sister wiped her mouth, but i've sure been there, so it felt sort of nurturing & correct & like the cycle of life & important bonding. then we attempted to sleep at cousin's/grandma's w/barky-damn-yappy dogs, so on no rest, i had volcanic meltdown next afternoon on drive to smell(swell)ay & sometimes i wish i had no mouth cause then i wouldn't say the things i sometimes do (nor make ugly faces while singing). anger, self-pity, remorse, babbling, driving, crying -- sh*t, i thought i was over it, but nossir, still a fallible, messy humanoid. oh well: a productive very late-nite powwow came of it, so maybe next time i'll be able to pause before exploding like a ranting, wailing demon... met up w/ CN&R pals & becky did quick miracle makeup on my blubbery face so i looked nice & we performed a rockin little tv show & then fabi left the country w/her family (on vacation, not the lam), johnny & goat went to san pedro for shrimp feast & beers, & the rest of us caravaned to lebec for late-nite supper at denny's (mine, 4 bucks, was pretty swell) & becky rode w/me, her steady, friendly, supportive chatting a delight. (like many folks i know, her life would make one fascinating read.) the studio, www.flashrock.com, had fun acoustics & we were styling, too, cause becky's the boss & tells us what to wear, so i cautiously say it likely not just sounded, but looked good. :) my writing here's lazy, but the few marbles i got today in my bag upstairs are rolling slowly, so this'll have to do for now. :)

duskdevils, karling, devildoll, lacholita sat @ mr t's

see flyer below.. meanwhile, here's some more pix of the barndance from paul oeser III... thanks, paul! :)

ronnie mack's barndance

click on the pic to read the caption. photos are courtesy of rebecca caraveo & walter van buskirk (+ my ipod). it was a real fun time!

upcoming shows & moonlighting dusk devils :)

at monday's show, i'll play a short set w/cattie ness & the revenge... the other should be a hoot w/lots of pretty girls... as for the last shot, rick, brian p, & eddie all met up @ trout's recently & "jammed"... i just like the pic. benefits for eddie's eye surgery will be aug 14 at trout's & aug 20 at the alano club -- flyers to come.

we gotta big blues train coming to your town

pix from rip cat records/whiteboy james and the 44s show at narducci's... a good time was had by all. :) :) :)

new posts... literally :) ....

- ouch! overdid it again today (tho didn't sustain too many bruises & didn't smash my hands) &, exhausted, my thoughts are jello, sweet & shallow & mooshy-swooshy... behold my nascent career in carpentry (not!) -- the bedframe porch railings (thought it looked a little new orleansy) & doorknob fencepost (our dear dad was delighted by the latter & proudly told friends, "that's why i admire my girls so much: they're geniuses!")
- oh! the joys of having a funky house & (many will relate) bargain-hunting eye. it's like going on an easter egg hunt each time the bargain-hunter "shops" -- so much more fun than going in stores where generally overstocked, overpriced & uniform items are RIGHT THERE, no hunting involved at all, not to mention imagination! too, bargain-hunting, being a form of recycling (this was a nice realization por moi), is environmentally kinder. :) ... oh crap; where was i? there's one synapse pinging in my head like a game of pong: bloop!... bloop!... the downside of dressing up my funky house on the cheap (my sister, bless her, crowed, "oh, how i love your watts tower house! everytime i come visit, there's something new to look at!") is i get way too involved in its decoration/repair & work like a demon til i can't move or breathe or think cogently... so here i is, & you is there, & ain't that a peach?
- the internet's dangerous @ these moments of giddy over-fatigue. consumption! i want to find a subaru brat! & tow it back home! a pair of snow boots (this would seem to be the time of yr to buy some)! whiteboy james! he plays all wkend in kern county. wow!
- the stupid part: we aren't opening for him this time bc of our recent guitarist problemo... little do james & co know, tho, how well brian paxton's been filling the bill while eddie has been out of action waiting for his 2nd eye surgery. (btw! two benefits for eddie will take place @ 1. trout's, aug 14, 3-11 pm [thank you, rockwell & lynda!]; & 2. alano club, aug. 20, 3 pm, -- flyers to come!)... yes, we've all been having fun playing together! bsp's learned everything mucho-quickly (he's a smart feller, yknow), pulled some awesome instrumentals out that are genre-spot-on, & even requested a vocal rehearsal so that 5-6 songs now have cool harmonies (not ever sounding "happy days," either, which is my fear)... now if we can figure out how to get rid of his mullet, we'll all be styling at our next shows!
- oh yes, add to this a perfect little pizza cooling on the counter. i'm reading about 80 books (god bless the public library!), the most delightful being life in paris by julia child, whose spirit can only infuse the reader w/joy. so when i just opened the oven to a steam-furnace blast & was able to use my peewee-herman-huge spatula to perfectly remove the perfect, bubbling pizza, it was a julia moment. oh! i wanted to crow in her distinctive voice, oh! how i LOVE to cook! ... however, that would've been a lie, coming from me; i merely loved the moment of pleasure i got to experience, now informed by & desiring julia's indomitable, lovable way. what a fascinating, unique character she was. and oh how i do love characters!
time for pizza... & tomorrow, yard sale up here on the hill, then dusk devils will meet to see the one & only whiteboy james!... sunday, our dear mama will have her birthday. her ex-son-in-law & nephew-in-law will be cooking for her & my ex-husband will be among the well-wishers. mama is so well-loved!
eat well! go to the library! sing a song! hug someone! use your mind! do some pushups! be a little weird! smile! wishing you a beautiful weekend.
bloop... bloop...

she's hackin' & wackin' & smackin... the killer awoke before dawn...

...she licked her paw.
- this gorgeous creature is my houseguest right now. i don't think she'll last here since 1) her owner wants her to settle in a house w/kids; 2) the jury's out on how she'll get along w/my doggy boys; & 3) we have coyotes here. she arrived in shock, as cats do when moved, so i coddled & cooed over her stricken, pretty furriness, hoping she wouldn't croak (she looked like she might). then last night as i was reading, insistent, inflected, burbling, even conversational little mews came from beside the bed. i looked down to see that kitty, looking once again like her old, healthy self, had a mouse. she looked at me w/blankly beautiful eyes, then began batting the tiny glassy-eyed corpse thru the air like a kid w/a volleyball. only felines & humans torture prey -- horrified, i whispered "good kitty" thru my rictus, wanting the animal to know i approved, tho as she set to devouring the mouse, her enthusiastic crunches & slurps sent chills down my spine. it was like that twilight zone episode where the little boy sends everyone to the cornfield: "it's GOOD you ate the mouse, kitty. that's a GOOD thing you did..."
- her stomach full, kitty walked neatly away, leaving a grand guignol scene from a romero flick: all that remained of mousey was jellied spinal cord & rear end, along w/ ghostly hind legs & tail.
- cute little field mice, eaters of amp cords, stealers of pet food, droppers of droppings, squeakers & scratchers in the night, beware: skittles is in town, & your numbers are up.

happy independence day!

here in laverne, ca, which is a kind of mayberry of east LA county, 4th of july is celebrated big time!! it will be great to celebrate the country's (&, on so-much tinier scale, my own) independence w/my dear friend, in the place where 16 yrs ago to the day i was forced to end my drinking "career." today when the air finally, mercifully cooled enough to do so, we rode bikes along long, wide, flat roads to a large camping & boating area heavy w/trees & smelling of barbecue & flowers & wind & roasting marshmellows, even, packed w/happy holiday revelers & families, & then past a huge swimming area in the beautiful sprawling lake, filled w/squealing, splashing figures, then, legs churning, up & down windy mtn roads over a dam & lastly sailing back down into verdant town w/streets lined w/towering pines & immaculate arts & crafts homes & chairs already set up for tomorrow's parade & flags.
yesterday we all celebrated big manny, such a well-loved soul... we showed up @ taste of texas in nearby covina to find the big barbecue joint-dancehall PACKED w/probably 500 people, over the course of the night... here are some pix from the happy, love- & music-filled evening... the highlight for me was seeing faces i haven't for 20 yrs, playing w/manuel (altho we didn't get to do any chuck berry, & i couldn't hear my amp), especially when he reached over & tinkled the keys w/me, in his gentle silly way, as well as dancing the night away w/santa monica walter, a super-fun & funny friend of jackie gleason girth & grace... what a dance partner! he swung & twirled girls around the dance floor all night long, & when it was my turn, i felt like i, too, could dance! walter's that good a lead.
happy independence day to all! may you be a bit more free...

don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?

in santa monica, i took a quick vid of elviss simmons & the memphis strutters singing "blue suede shoes" into "goody-two shoes" (heretics!!) for art fein (lover of the king of rocknroll, as are all who have heart) & my sister (long-time lover of adam ant) -- it was crazy fun (tho blasphemous, maybe) stuff, "the ultimate party band," quipped memphis mike: a plus-sized, hairy, hammy elvis impersonator w/gene simmons facepaint; a hepcat doghouse bassist; FOUR horn players -- two slender women playing saxes bigger than their own selves, even! -- in fedoras, shades, & gold lame; a hessian-hard rock guitarist; & three femme backup singers in rockabilly pinup-dia de los muertos getup... anyways, the vid won't upload here, so look for the band elsewheres... :) this wkend i found out 1) the beach ain't bad (that could maybe sound weird, but i've had a fear of the mighty, mighty ocean for some time); 2) i could get used to it, mebbe (new idea: the ocean's power is awe-inspiring, not terrifying, perhaps), & it sure is great to be able to be outside at any time, under blue or cloudy skies, w/perfect ocean breezes cooling the body & soul; 3) i LOVE, LOVE BOOGIE-BOARDING, which works the body & feels like flying!!!; 4) what fun it is to be outdoors, meander, adventure, not plan, walk forever, explore; 5) how lucky it is to be in mid-age & still physically mobile, even agile; 6) i must always, w/o fail, take my "happy pills" (actually, pill) cause when i do, life's light, happy, so swell, but w/o it, i'm the titanic, a timebomb, a highway pile-up, pompeii... & so are all around me.
the perfect, crowded, suntanned, privileged, beautiful sta monica beach, & its funky messy colorful 420-heavy venice counterpart, are cool, balmy memories affixed now to my head. places i'm grateful to've settled for the week... now it's time to get ready for bakersfield, & this wkend, for big manny's benefit (read below). he's back to playing the guitar, so things're looking up for the  gentle rockin' giant... & today's news is that guitarman eddie's eyes are on the heal (benefit TBA), so there's much to be thankful for, yes indeed. if you're in bakersfield, or someplace else hot, stay cool, brother... the cool within can cool the without, so use it, don't lose it, & may all be copacetic for you & yours. semper ad meliora, friends. :)

let's help big manny. + "i've been waitin a long long time, just realized it's true, that my heart will always be in love with you."

this eve at practice scotty mentioned this video... what a delight to see it! this was the song where i really felt the music soar... to be in the middle of such a thing is quite a feeling!
al, dear man, threw us a curve ball toward end of song, as in his happy enthusiasm he tends to do, but laraine, his wife, shut the video player off right after that. :) i remember we caught the ball & brought it all home just a moment later... w/no video evidence, you'll just have to believe me. :)
time for bed, for tomorrow the gias bring chorizo & egg breakfast to the scores at SVDP & then i will get to hold peoples' sacred trust again, reading & writing & chatting w/them, as i got to do last wk.
life, o life, where will you take us all next?

upcoming: sat jul 9, noon-4 pm, al hendrix backed by canadian band six gun romeo at ethel's old corral... also, please spread word about the below event, taking place to help my dear friend, gentle man, & monster of powerful, melodious rocknroll american-roots guitar:

i know we'll meet again some sunny day

a friend of mine, i think, is suffering. i hope my friend, whom i no longer see, will be better sooner rather than later. let's both & all remember, if possible, that this, too (& all, & everything), shall pass.

dads, dusk devils, prayers

angie & i are blessed to have the greatest dad, a father we could never have dreamed up. he is gentle, intelligent, humble, hard-working, a life-long servant of society (like mama, like angie), an iconoclast disguised as an astronaut, movie-star handsome in his youth & a head-turner still at age 70, & has ruined us both: we assume all handsome men are as good as gold, that is, good as dad.
they're not... tho i'm coming to realize in general they're not as bad as i've tended to think. if i live to be 100, i'll still not have much figured out, in other words...
today we celebrate our dad, as well as our wonderful, generous, voraciously bright mama, & it's a pleasant, balmy day in bakingfield, somehow not yet blazingly hot, &  this morning i sat in a meeting rm w/warm-hearted, brave drunks, one being my kind & dependable ex, & dusk devils somehow have shows upcoming tho tragedy befell our latest member several wks ago...
next, please send out kind thoughts of good health to eddie, candye, manuel, chet, terri, karen, as well as any whom you know are suffering or just needing support. there are so many! when i consider how things could be instead of how they are... well, again, wow... mustn't take any thing for granted, not anymore.
upcoming shows, dusk devils:
july 8 - big's fullerton w/karling abbeygate & other rockabillies
july 16 - mr t's bowl los angeles w/devil doll & other rockabillies & burlesquies
please surf the net for more details... happy pop's day to all. :)

happy.

you happy? it's very american (specifically, i think, united statesian) to consider "happiness" to be so important. what about love, usefulness, duty, power, freedom, filial piety, or, for pete's sake, dough?
i just feel happy. so here is my up-to-minute gratitude list.
please make yours.
sobriety- peanut brittle ice cream- birds flying, chirping, singing- 88 blacks & whites- reading (most recently, NYers, the week, runner's world, books first families, wicked plants, & off the grid)- restoration to sanity- wind chimes- family- dallas mavericks' win- talking with cousin jerry in tex about it - sweatshirt & flipflops- cold water- most amazingly, chuck berry & big joe turner on the restaurant radio- sunlight- friends - roscoe & gusgus- kind & noble ex- skittles the beautiful cat- fresh trout - good physical & mental health- refreshing breezes- sleeping- hiking home from the bus- quiet & calm- juicy burger- yucca, oaks, sage, & pine- dexter on netflix- visitors- amazing sister getting black belt- dad the cheery workhorse, mama the reading/cooking couch-cat- frazier park transit bus- my lovely home- safety- dusk devils- cattie ness & revenge- prayers for sick & injured friends & loved ones- st vincent de paul's gorgeous new facility & strong, good-hearted volunteers- nice bakersfield weather- crisp, clean frazier park weather- riding the 2-speed foldable peugeot all over bakersfield- kind, flirty emails from my piano teacher gene - my truck, ugly as sin, that runs like a clock- moolah in the bank- ability to have choices- contemplating road trips

wave at the bus, son!

this is the best ever. dad waves daily to teenage son
to get the full effect, scroll down & look at each & every picture of Dad: wave to the bus

"and my heart soars"

this is how i feel today.
no foolin. it's foreign, therefore slightly scary, tho calmly so... the top or at least heretofore most active layer of my mind, where the craziness, mania, jumpiness, hahaha, go go go, cry cry cry, fight fight fight, & – i fear – creativity resides, is gone for now. i am placid as a lake, a soft-boiled egg, a sleeping cat, my soft soft bed, the billowing, ever-drifting, sighing sea of clouds that fill the sky before me as i type at this amazing picture window, this green, expansive setting of trees & mountains & birds & nature & respite &, 5 miles away tho visible by way of a happy combination of elevation & view, trucks & cars traveling & twinkling along i-5... detached, not worrying, breathing deeply... is this serenity? how long will it last? for now, it's here – may you have it, too. a poem:
“the beauty of the trees, the softness of the air, the fragrance of the grass speaks to me.
"the summit of the mountain, the thunder of the sky, the rhythm of the sea, speaks to me.
"the faintness of the stars, the freshness of the morning, the dewdrop on the flower, speaks to me.
"the strength of the fire, the taste of salmon, the trail of the sun, and the life that never goes away, they speak to me
"and my heart soars.” (chief dan george)
if you were happy to read that, i highly recommend this: earth prayers from around the world ps - just realized this sense of peace might be due to having weed-eated (weed-ate?) the yard for 2 1/2 hrs (i have a big yard)... might just be too pooped right now to be a squirrel.
whatever the cause, i'll take it! :) feliz dia, queridos! :)

Feelin' Good - Nina Simone

"hello" to jp + bang bang: great song, bad idea

hello.
thank you for continued interest in life. and i suppose me.
it's good to maintain a constant interest in life - one's own, others', the life process. good but elusive.
i bashed my noggin pretty badly yesterday, so we'll see where this writing goes -- here're some pix from this past wkend. cattie ness & the revenge: nice, fun-loving full of life, generous, laid-back comrades. becky, strong & beautiful, has created for herself a full artist's life which she kindly shares w/people like me. as you can see, the band pic came out well -- atractive folks, photogenic. however, from now on, i will groom myself for shows, & for life, for that matter, since when i don't, i feel like i'm in drag, an impostor, a midget. becky'd asked the band for an elegant look -- you can see that she (& fabi) are gorgeously coiffed -- mentioning "audrey hepburn." sighing w/doom, i realized i can't even see "audrey hepburn" from here... but "lon chaney"? yes, that look's possible, as you can see from hotel photo of my texting marathon w/fellow monster... ah! society breeding discontent & desperation (damned freud!)... ah! unstructured life condemning soul to sloth & madness (i pray temporarily)... this reminds me, tho, that i glimpsed another kindred spirit in dex romweber when skimming his CD dedication to both st cecilia & chaney & wonder if he's better-reconciled the monstrous & ecstatic impulses, a life of fun & bliss blackened by the hole of heartache & oblivion. thought my fellow monster had it made, but he, too, confessed to sadness & brokenness. arrrgggh.
will there be fun & fulfillment again before this pop stand blows? can we write out a syllogism? what would the fringe physicists say? certainly someplace there are different versions of you & me & everyone we know, & some of them gotta be consistently happy. quantum mechanics thusly alleviates, @ least for this parsec, bleakness & self-pity... w/that, let's toss the gloom & wish happy rapture-that-never-came to all. we're all still breathing, for pete's sake! lastly i must thank a person i know for ratting the demon out so that he didn't have to try to contain her all alone & so she could live another day & maybe get a dang exorcism once & for all. as for mr & mrs gia, there are seats in heaven for them both, & no words can tell how much i love them. bravery to do what the soul calls -- i've had it; i've been there; i seek it again. may your path today be clearly-guided, gentle & brave.

road trip, friendship, a little tip

- glamorous becky & co came up to the mtns yesterday to practice for her bd show, bringing boxes of food: becky's smoky tri-tip & potato salad, fabi's rice, guacamole from johnny's grandparents' avocado ranch, & more. my main contribution was dogzilla, the most gigantic hotdog i'd ever seen, from flying j at I-5. john bruce hipped me to a garage punk site run by ratboy69 & played a fast, fast town hall party-style instrumental i hope they will record. fabi sat on her prettily-painted doghouse bass, pulled up karaoke from youtube on her i-phone, & sweetly sang "volver volver" & "la bamba" on breaks & becky & i harmonized buck & don & i found out our voices blend well! b & f went thru my show wardrobe & found me a dress to fit the "cocktail" theme, assuring me i won't look like a dumpy old lady & that they'll make me look "classy & beautiful." i don't know what to say except i hope they can & will. :)
- cover for the show'll be $10. we're starting our set w/fats domino & closing w/some late-50s psychobilly, a crampsian freak-out to lead-in the psycho- bands to follow. should be a fun time, showing up early for sound-check & so the girls can glam me out as they do themselves, staying at dude boy ranch (aka brad's house), then back to meet dusk devils for mtn practice. woohoo!
- the birds at the window, in the tree, soaring around, on the lines, on the ground are singing that it's a joyful day. my tip for today, read this a.m.: "every day is a god, each day is a god, and holiness holds forth in time" (annie dillard).